8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s16e01 Episode Script
Roisin Conaty, Jessica Hynes, Sara Pascoe, Lolly Adefope
This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Roisin Conaty, Sara Pascoe, Jessica Hynes, Lolly Adefope, Natalie Cassidy, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Katherine Ryan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to a very special all-female edition of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
Tonight we're celebrating 100 years of women's suffrage.
It's an all-female, cisgendered, mostly white women line-up.
One step at a time.
LAUGHTER 100 years ago women in Britain won the right to vote as long as they were over 30, and married, and property owners, and educated, and white, and breast-fed, and right-handed and had never been directly rained on.
What a victory for women everywhere.
LAUGHTER I'd like to reassure any men watching that this is a one-off.
No, it is so not a one-off.
Within five years we'll be wearing your balls like earrings.
LAUGHTER Thanks to all the support from male feminists, by the way.
It makes us want to sit on your face.
Cos it's one way of stopping you from continually telling us that you are male feminists.
When the actions of some men are criticised there are guys on the Internet who will say, "Not all men.
" There are guys watching right now, like, "Not all men say, 'Not all men.
'" I didn't say all men, did I, you thirsty little bitch? LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's team captain Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In 38 years of the Edinburgh Comedy Award Roisin is one of only nine women to have won.
The prize? Vouchers to Spearmint Rhino.
Joining Roisin tonight it's Jessica Hynes.
APPLAUSE Jessica Hynes once played the part of a suffragette which is what a lot of women do until the bill comes, right, lads? Ey! Up against them this evening it's team captain Sara Pascoe.
Sara is an animal lover.
She's not a big fan of animals but she is AMAZING in bed.
LAUGHTER It's true! Sara's team-mate, Lolly Adefope.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lolly shortened her real name because people were too stupid and lazy to learn how to say it properly.
And whatever it is I'm sure it's real nice.
Lolly, you recently filmed a sitcom in the US with Daniel Radcliffe.
- Yes.
- Are you a Harry Potter fan? - I love Harry Potter, yes.
I actually spent quite a lot of money on doing a full psychological test to find out which house I'd be in.
And the results came in and they said that I should grow up.
LAUGHTER One of the funniest things I ever saw was a woman on drugs LAUGHTER It was a lady on a tube reading a new Harry Potter book and she was obviously out of her mind on drugs and it was very funny.
She was going, "No, no, no, not yet" Was it JK Rowling? LAUGHTER It was the best tube journey of my life because she kept putting the book to her chest and going, like, "No, no," and then going, like It was incredible.
Sara, you've written a book.
Do you ever just sit while someone's talking thinking, "Screw you, I've written a book"? I'm thinking it now.
LAUGHTER - But you're working on another book - Yeah.
- .
.
called Sex Power Money and it's about men.
- Yeah.
What have you found out? What I've found out is only one part of the research is fun.
LAUGHTER I should have called it something like Sex Dogs Doughnuts or Sex Shopping Afternoon Drinking.
OK, Roisin, you star in GameFace and you're in Man Down.
How would you bring a man down? I don't think you can make a man go down.
LAUGHTER You can sort of push their heads a bit, but that's as much force as you can Maybe some crumbs.
That's good.
Like Hansel and Gretel.
Yeah, but with, you know, a different sort of house at the end.
I was about to say something so crude and I know it'll make it in.
- A hairy house.
- I was about to say meat house - and I really upset myself.
- GROANING AND LAUGHTER But I don't want that to go in even though it's funny.
I've upset myself.
Your meat house is going in.
As for what goes in your meat house, I can't promise.
Would you have made a good suffragette? I think I would have.
I like to think I think we all like to think we're as brave You know, you look back and go, "I would have been like that.
" Rather than I'm worried that if I went back in time, I'd be a real "Oh, God, I'm scared, though.
We'll get in trouble!" - You know? - I'll meet you down there.
- Yeah.
- I'm coming.
- Don't smash the windows! - I'm definitely coming, I'm going to just do that and then I'll be there, I'll meet you there.
- I'll come, I'll be there.
- Yes.
In my head, I'm at the front going, "We've got to do this," but in reality, I'm a little bit scared of things sometimes.
So that was a suffragist.
They were peaceful and then the suffragettes were the violent ones.
- Yeah, but I'd want to do the violence.
- Yeah.
I don't want to do the fucking admin.
When they first started throwing rocks through the Parliament window, they wanted to smash the windows but they didn't want to hurt anyone inside, so they use to tie ropes to them.
So they'd smash the window and then jerk the rocks back.
But that does undo pain, doesn't it? Like, if the weapon disappears.
You'd have people not believing you.
"I got hit by a rock.
" "What rock?" - OK, Jessica, have you got a mascot? - I do.
Something very exciting has happened at home.
A new family member has arrived in our house.
And And he's called Bud.
- Aw! - He is a little baby chick .
.
that has just hatched out of my daughter's little incubator.
- He's beautiful.
- Isn't he? - Yeah! Well, I'm assuming it's a man, but listen to me.
If it was female, it would have a bow in its hair.
LAUGHTER That's how you know.
But he's a little He's a little, little chick.
When are you going to eat him? Roisin, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot.
So, you know, I've done this show quite a lot, Katherine.
- Mm-hm.
- And let's just say, I don't do particularly well on it.
Erm And I get a lot of tweets.
Things like, "Why is that fucking idiot on the show again?" Can I just say, I don't think that's going to change with me sitting next to you.
I'm really sorry.
- No, but maybe you'll get some of the tweets.
That's the plan.
- OK.
So what I've done is, to make me feel less pressured, I've decided to try and make it feel like it's my own home.
I have brought in my own window.
OK, right, so this is my house.
OK, so I'm going to put my dressing gown on like I'm indoors.
So you know you live next door to Jessica Hynes? - Do you want me to pass you anything behind you? - Yes, please.
- I'm going to be like your lifter.
- Thank you, Sara.
Like, I'll be the props guy.
- Right, got my nightgown on.
- Do you want these things? Close the curtains because I'm taking my bra off.
Let some blood to my head.
- Need these cushions? - Yes, please.
Thank you.
- And some cushions.
- I feel like I'm watching a play, Roisin.
I know, like a musical's going to start.
GRAVELLY VOICE: I tell you what he said He ain't coming back here no more.
He can do all he likes.
I won't let him in.
Close the curtains, the old Bill are there.
I love it! This is actually - Lolly, have you got a mascot? - I have.
I've brought in something because I think we should celebrate the fact that it's an all-female line-up, which is some champagne.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Yes.
Where'd you get that booze? So That's that.
- Wow! - Congratulations, everyone.
- So Countdown's now a drinking game? It is a drinking game, yeah, yeah.
- What would the drinking game be? - I think we should It'd be like you celebrate when you do well - and you commiserate when you do badly.
- Yeah.
- That's a good game.
- Are you passing them along? - Oh, thank you! - Is this real? - I think so.
Thank you, I'll just have the one.
Keep yours.
Lolly, I know you're a big Countdown fan.
- You watch at home.
- Yes, I love it so much.
- I'm going to win.
Thank you.
- Are you? LAUGHTER Do you watch it with champagne at home? Yes.
Every morning.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheersies.
Roisin, thanks for having us all round yours.
Sorry it's a bit of a mess.
- Sara, what's your mascot? - Well, I was thinking about Sometimes people complain that there aren't enough role models for young girls growing up and that some of the toys can be a bit misleading in terms of what society expects of women.
And so I've got some merch.
Because, actually, there are two very, very brilliant women here.
Only two.
And, erm, one of them is clever, beautiful and kind.
Aw! And so this is the Rachel Riley doll.
She comes with all of her favourite sums.
Yeah, and then, oh, she's a bit lonely, needs a friend.
Here she is.
- Ah! - Susie Dent.
- Love it.
And so, Susie, she comes with a dictionary and a little mug.
You can take them out and kind of, like, do little skits and plays like, exactly what would happen with Rachel and Susie.
You could be like, "Oh, shall we go to the cocktail bar?" "Oh, I love Manchester United.
" "Oh, my God, I'm so drunk.
" - Erm And then - That's exactly what happens.
"One plus one equals two.
" "Two" "Me and you.
" LAUGHTER "I love you.
" "I love you too.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Natalie Cassidy.
APPLAUSE - Hi, Natalie.
So great to have you on the show.
- Thank you.
How was your journey up to Manchester? It was lovely, thank you.
I love to step out the window and, like, look at everyone's back gardens and switch off and think about all of me achievements.
What's your favourite achievement so far? Oh, it's probably a toss-up between lesbian Sonia and coming fifth on Strictly.
Yeah, I smashed the foxtrot with my Magic Moments, but I came unstuck on week 11 with my Long Tall Sally.
Well, what are you working on at the moment? Anything exciting? Well, actually, I'm working on a screenplay with Dean Gaffney.
Ooh! Amazing.
What's it about? It's about a solicitor in LA what gets mixed up in a murder case cos he fancies a sexy lady who's done the murder.
Or No, MIGHT have done the murder.
And do you LAUGHTER Do you see much of Dean Gaffney? Oh, yeah, he's just done me guttering.
And with Natalie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie's attitude to the word game is like many women's attitude to dicks.
She's happy enough with a six, but really looking for an eight or nine.
True.
Susie, how do men and women use language differently? Well, do you remember there were loads of words coined last year? You know, we've got manspreading and mansplaining and things.
But also, in Old English, we used to have all these gendered nouns so every noun was masculine, feminine or neuter.
- Oh, like French? - Like French.
- And - LAUGHTER Exactly, like French.
Except it kind of went wrong in French because in French, vagina is masculine and - Are you joking? - And breasts - Yeah, that's because you kind of - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH It's true.
- Anyway, so I think - Tres vrai.
.
.
we should try and bring that back.
- Sorry.
- No, no, it's fine.
- I was just trying to use all of my GCSE French.
- Yeah.
I think that's about it.
What is penis in French? Er Le baguette.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Avec le jambon.
I love that bit, see? Susie, what word should every woman have in their vocabulary? I think we've said quite a lot of them tonight.
I liked meat box.
Meat house! It's nice to know what you're into, meat box.
Erm I think we ought to try and reclaim You know all the words that are only used about women? - Frumpy - Yeah.
- Air head.
Hysterical.
Crazy bitch.
Exactly.
- Singleton.
All women, they get called singletons.
- Singleton.
Hung like a doughnut.
Can you tell me what that means? There you go.
You know, I like that one.
"Hung like a doughnut.
" OK, I'm borrowing that one.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE People might expect me to hate Rachel because of the way she looks.
And I do.
Rachel, if you could be any famous woman from history, who would you be? Well, there are so many good ones to choose, but I'd probably go for Eva Braun, Hitler's wife.
Eurgh.
I think, you know, I should take one for the team - and you could just bump him off.
- Yeah.
Or if you didn't want something so political, then I'd go for, erm, - Ariel, the little mermaid.
- Mm-hm.
- She's one of the only women left that can wear exactly what she wants.
She can swim around in her shell bra and not worry about anyone grabbing her by the pussy.
Because, obviously So it's a toss-up.
OK, let's get rid of the house before we Countdown.
Yeah, I'm going to get rid of the house.
OK, tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown motorbike.
APPLAUSE MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Roisin and Jessica, you get first pick of the letters.
Just pick some consonants and vowels.
It's basically what Roisin's parents did to pick her name.
- A vowel, please.
- Thank you, Jessica.
A Consonant, please.
A vowel, please.
O A consonant, please.
G A vowel, please.
E Consonant, please.
P Consonant, please.
R Consonant, please.
- And another consonant, please.
- And the last one R And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Come on, up.
Lift, you fucker! OK, one last try.
Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry, Rachel.
Sorry, I'll get you down safely.
Ooh! You'll be fine.
Walk it off, Rachel, well done.
Roisin, how many letters did you get? - I got five, Katherine.
- Five? That's good.
- Jessica, how many letters did you get? - I got five.
- Five as well.
- Yeah, five.
Sara and Lolly, could you do any better? I got six, which is one better than five, not to show off before the maths round.
- Lolly? - I also got six.
- Six.
OK, Roisin, what's your five? GREAT.
The irony! LAUGHTER - OK, Jessica, your five? - I got GRAPE.
- Sara, what was your six? - Er, ROTTER.
- Lolly, what was your six? - I got PARROT.
- Ooh! - That's a good one.
- That's clever.
Six points to Lolly and Sara.
Well done.
Yes! We're winning.
Susie and Natalie, could they have done any better? Well, yeah, I liked PREGO or TROG.
There was POTAGER for seven and there was an eight there - GARROTTE.
OK.
Onto our first numbers around.
Sara and Lolly, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have two big ones and four small ones? You can.
Two from the top, four little.
And they are 3, 2, 1, 9, 100 and 75.
And the target - 339.
OK, your time starts now.
The target was 339.
Lolly, did you get it? It depends on how you look at numbers.
- Did you get close? - I got - It kind of depends what you mean by close.
I got 344, which is quite close.
Roisin, did you get it? If I said yes, would you believe me? - Yeah.
- And leave it there for once? LAUGHTER How about you, Jessica? - I'm not sure.
No.
- OK.
Sara, you're going to win seven points if you really have 344 and you're the closest.
I've actually got it down to 341 now.
- OK, I'll take 341.
- OK.
3 x 2 = 5.
- 3 x - LOLLY: Plus two! Plus two! Hold on, hold on Plus two! 3 + 2 = 5 Yes.
5 x 75 5 x 75 = 375 375 - Ah - Is that what it's supposed to equal? Er, nooo LAUGHTER - I think I've got it.
- Jessica, you have 339? So, 3 x 75 3 x 75 - How many times? - .
.
is - .
.
225.
- Yes.
225 + 100 = 325 Yes.
325 + 9 .
.
is - 334.
- 334 + 1 = 335 - Yeah.
- 335 + 2 - Two away.
- 337.
- Wow.
- So, yeah.
337.
LAUGHTER I cannot give points to anyone.
What?! No-one got what they said they had and there was very little clarity .
.
you stupid bitches.
- Rachel, was it possible? - It was.
100 + 75 - 1 = 174 174 x 2 = 348 348 - 9 = 339 Whoo! Well done, Rachel.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - It's so great when she does it.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Natalie, what have you got for us? - Well .
.
I've been working on an idea for a new international Netflix series box thing.
- Yeah? - The idea is about my character, Natalia Cassini.
She's a, erm She's an Italian fashionista living the high life and then she gets kidnapped by this Swedish geezer.
It's called Stockholm Syndrome.
And basically, yeah, I was wondering if you would run a scene with me.
- I would be honoured to work with an actress like you.
- Fantastic.
- You can be Sven.
- Sure.
We'll go from the top, all right? - OK, I'm ready.
Thank you.
- OK.
We're in a proper cool apartment in Stockholm, which is in Sweden.
Natalia, who is in bed with a bit of side boob showing Sven is watching her like the pervert he is.
Hey, Natalia, my darling.
Want an open top sandwich? No, thanks.
I'm not hungry, Sven.
And anyway, I still ain't talking to ya.
In fact, I've got the raging hump with ya.
But why? I thought we were friends now.
Stockholm syndrome.
For kidnapping me from the fashion show, babe! You were well out of order there.
I'm sorry, you just looked so pretty.
Girls like you are never interested in me.
That don't mean you have to go bundling them into the back of your Volvo.
Women deserve respect, you silly sod.
I do respect you.
I love you.
I don't know.
I hate you for what you've done, Sven.
But also, I've got feelings for you now.
I can see you're both a kidnapper and a human being.
Stockholm feels like home now.
LAUGHTER Good, and that's exactly what I wanted you to think.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! EASTENDERS DRUMS Great! Natalie Cassidy, everyone.
And here's your teaser.
The words are LITE SEX and the clue is - I've got a lot of material.
That's LITE SEXT - I've got a lot of material.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were LITE SEXT, the clue was, I've got a lot of material.
It was, of course, TEXTILES.
OK, we've been playing in teams so far, but now it's time for team captains Sara and Roisin to go head-to-head.
Me and you.
Look how pleased you are, cos you know you're going to win.
But wouldn't you be pleased if you were winning and going to win again? - Sara, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- Thank you.
And before we start, can I just say, whatever comes out is what - I'm naming my next child, so pick very well, Rachel.
- Got it.
OK, vowel, please.
I Consonant.
M Consonant.
Y - IMY's all right as a name.
- It is all right as a name.
IMY? IMYsorry I let that guy finish inside me.
Consonant.
L Vowel.
U Consonant.
R Consonant.
You've lost your mind.
S We've got one vowel! Two vowels.
Roisin wants a vowel.
A And another vowel, please.
And O.
OK, your time starts now.
GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF MUSIC PLAYS POTS AND PANS CLATTER - How are you getting on, Katherine? - Fuck off, Sandi.
Go fuck yourself.
GLASS SHATTERS OK, time's up.
Please bring out your Showstopper.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Domestic goddess pulling through.
Easy.
I did the school run when I was in there as well.
- Anyone wanting cake? - Yes, please.
Would you like to eat some of the head, the ass? You can't cut into that beautiful thing.
- Well, it's a cake, it's meant to be eaten.
- Can I have the horn? I think we should all agree not to eat the cake.
- We should agree not to eat the cake at all? - Yeah.
- No.
Number one, it looks too like an animal.
Number two, they told me backstage it's not vegan.
Number three, we're women, should we be eating sugar? But, Sara, I'm a good hostess, so I would never leave you out.
- I know you're vegan.
- Yeah.
- I brought you this to eat.
Can you pass that along to Sara? - Thank you.
What herb is this, basil? - Yeah.
- Delicious.
- Enjoy.
I'm going to cut it because it's so beautiful inside.
I can't watch this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I bet that's what happens if you cut Kim Kardashian's arse off as well.
Do you want me to help you? - Yes, would you like to dish this cake out? - Where's it going? - I made a cake.
Whoever would like some cake.
- Lovely, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Sara, what have you got? - Six.
- A six.
- And Roisin? - I've got one, two, three, four, five, seven.
Oh! Sara, what's your six? - It's SOURLY.
- Roisin, what's your seven? Well, I think I should get extra points here cos I took your notes, I heard what you were looking for - I got MARY-LOU.
Whoa! - Susie, is MARY-LOU a word? - Erm, sadly not.
- OK, that's six points to Sara.
Well done.
- Damnit to hell.
APPLAUSE Natalie, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes.
ROYALISM is there for eight, and SOLARIUM is there for eight as well.
OK, so at the end of that round, Jessica and Roisin have no points and Sara and Lolly have 12.
APPLAUSE OK, it's now time for Jessica and Lolly to go head-to-head in the numbers round.
I feel like I need to remind myself that I'm indoors, so I'm going to put some more things on to try and make myself I'm doing really badly.
- Do you have a basil plant at home? - Maybe I should.
I don't live well.
- That is so nice.
- Ladies, head in the game.
- Jessica, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK.
- I'll have three small ones.
- Yep.
Two middle-sized ones, please.
- I mean, I've only got big or little.
- OK, I'll have another little one.
- Another little one.
- And then two big ones.
- Four little, two large.
- How about that? - Love it.
Right, your little ones are 5, 9, 4, and 8.
And the large ones 100 and 25.
- Wonderful, thank you.
- And this target for you OK, your time starts now.
Roisin, what's going on in the mead house? Just trying to get something out of tonight myself.
Just trying to get my confidence back up.
OK, the target was 364.
Jessica, did you get it? - I got 366, I think.
- 366.
- Lolly, did you get it? - Yes.
- You got 364? - Yes.
This is my daughter.
How did you do it? I think that's a personal question.
9 x 4 = 36 - Is 36.
- Yes.
And then 25.
- Yeah.
- And if you take the 5 away from that then you're left with 2.
Right, scrub that one.
Yeah, 8 squared is 64.
- 8 to the power 2.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, 64.
And then if you mash those numbers together.
So, yeah.
Plus 36, you get 100.
Wait, no, I meant if you take 36 and 64 and you smash them together, that's 364.
- Ah, so like 3664 - Yeah.
- And then, like a little smiley face kind of thing.
- Yeah, exactly.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
So, Jessica, for the points, how did you get 366? 4 x 100 = 400 - 25 = 375 - 9 - That's it.
- Congratulations.
Seven points to Jessica.
APPLAUSE Rachel, how could they have gotten 364? Well, if you say 100 - 9 = 91 x 4 That's it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Scores at the moment - Roisin and Jessica are on 7 and Sara and Lolly are on 12.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are I CAN'T PEE, and the clue is - have another go.
That's I CAN'T PEE, have another go.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were I CAN'T PEE.
And the clue was, have another go.
It was, of course, PATIENCE.
OK, now we get on with the game.
A chance for our teams to win some extra points.
This year we're celebrating 100 years of women's suffrage but how much do our teams know about sexism and suffragettes? Let's test their knowledge in our bonus quiz! Oh, yeah! Here's the first question.
Which of the following things were women depicted as on anti-suffrage propaganda postcards? Was it Sara and Lolly, what's your answer? Sexy witches is complimentary, absolutely.
- Hungry monkeys - Complimentary, as well, I think.
- Yeah.
- You hungry little monkey.
In evolution, they're very close to us.
Angry cats.
I think that's everyone's enemy.
- We're going to go angry cats.
- OK.
- Roisin and Jessica, what's your answer? - It's the cats.
It's the cats.
Angry cats.
I can tell you the answer is angry cats, as you can see from this genuine postcard from the 1900s.
- To be fair, you'd give him that vote.
- It worked against them.
Anti-voting propaganda.
"Meow! I want my vote!" "You've got it, pussycat!" Yes, these postcards were meant to portray the suffragettes as silly, incompetent, domestic creatures, not suited to politics.
Next question, in 1906, the Anti-Suffrage Society produced a postcard called A Woman's Mind Magnified.
There is a blank version under your desks.
Please take that out.
On the poster, the woman's mind was filled with all the trivial things that prevented her from voting sensibly.
All you have to do is draw what you think they were.
You're up against the clock.
Everybody draw, start now.
In here.
Thinking about things.
Time is running out.
OK your timeisup.
Lolly, what have you got? I think that they are thinking about cleaning .
.
Martini drinking, and babies or children.
A lot of good ones there.
I'll give you one point for babies.
- Sara, talk us through your picture.
- First up, bumblebee.
Because all women are scared of bees.
She's thinking about a hat because she's very bald.
She's wondering should she get a hat? Then she's thinking, "Am I pregnant?" All women above nine and under 70 think about this 95% of the time.
Then, she realised that a question mark, upside down looks like a pregnant woman.
So, then she's like, "Ooh, is that a clue?" And then she thinks, am I pregnant with a bee? After it has stung me.
- What a nightmare that would be.
- Yeah.
Well, Sara, I'll give you two points.
One for pregnancy, one for a hat.
- Jessica, what about you? - Mainly doughnuts.
Then destroying the patriarchy, obviously.
Then wondering how do you actually spelt "patriarchy"? Because I don't think she knows.
What about you, Roisin? I've got just "Why is my head so massive?" - I'm sorry, no points there.
- What? If your head was that big, you wouldn't be thinking about that all the time? Hold your picture up again.
Do you think she looks weird? Weird? OK, let's have a look at the answers.
We've got a dress and a hat, some men and a wedding ring, a baby, a puppy, a box of chocolate and, of course, some correspondence because women are always thinking about correspondence.
Right, last question.
Women eventually got the vote but, surprisingly, sexism didn't end there.
This extraordinary advert from 1953 is for a postage machine to be used in offices.
Which of these was the tag line for the advert? Was it Oh, my God! Sara and Lolly, what do you think? - This hurts me.
- They're all great.
And they'd all work.
I do like "for postage easier than she is.
" It kind of looks like she's answering back, though.
He looks more like he's exasperated, less like he's trying to seduce her.
- Yeah, yeah.
- "For God's sake!" I think he's doing that pose, like, "It doesn't always happen! "Give me five minutes.
" "It's very cold in here! That's why it is so small.
" - Is that your final answer? - I think we should go with B.
- You think, "finally, a colleague who won't answer back"? - Yeah.
- OK.
We'll go with B.
- Roisin and Jessica, where's your head at? - I think it's "for postage easier than she is.
" - I don't.
You need a colleague who doesn't answer back! - What do you think it is? - I think it's the last one.
- "Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" - Yeah, I think it's that one.
- Go with that then, I reckon.
- OK.
The correct answer is - No! Is it really? - Boom! - Yes! He wants to kill her because she refuses to use the postage machine, only to change her mind when she realises that it gives her more time to gossip.
Well done, Sara and Lolly, you've won the quiz.
That's five points to your team.
OK, on with the game.
- Roisin and Jessica, your turn to choose the letters.
- You go.
You go.
- May I have a consonant, please, Rachel.
- You may.
D Another consonant, please.
F A vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
N A vowel.
A Another vowel.
E And the rest consonants, please.
And B.
And M.
And You sure? One more vowel.
Thanks, Rach.
I OK.
Time starts now.
Jessica, what have you got? - One, two, three, four, five.
- Roisin.
How about you? I've got nothing.
- Sara, what about you? - Five.
Lolly, what have you got? Six? Ooh! My back's hurting a bit here.
I'm going to sit down.
- That's great, by the way.
- Thank you.
I love sports.
- Jessica, what's your five? - FINED.
- FINED.
Yes.
Sara, your five? - MINED.
M-I-N-E-D.
- Lolly, what is your possible six? For the points.
- MAINED.
What might it mean, Lolly? Like, "remained" but less than that.
Susie, is it a word? Well, you can have the horsey "maned" but without the I.
But, otherwise, no.
OK, it's five points to both teams.
Your face is coming off, Rois.
- Poor Roisin! Take it off now! - Like there's a ghost on your face.
- You do look lovely and fresh.
- Really? I do feel replenished.
Natalie, Susie, what could they have had? - DIAMINE.
- What? She's written it down, I don't know what it means.
It's a compound whose molecule contains two amino groups.
Do you want me to go on? Nah.
OK, so, at the end of that round, Roisin and Jessica have 12 and Sara and Lolly are in the lead with 22.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
OK, so, basically, me and Susie are going out on the town.
Going to go to the green room after this and have some vodka and Slimlines.
She said, she is up for me giving her a contour lesson.
So, I'm going to show you, babe, how to look, keep it gorgey.
And it's only going to take about an hour.
So OK, first thing, you start with your concealer.
I've got this colour in bukkake.
You start off with cheeky little triangles underneath the eyes, like that.
Like that.
- I've seen a lot of these on YouTube.
- Yeah, exactly.
Just bukkake that up.
- A little line down there.
- Yeah.
Remember you've always got to get the nasal-labial - .
.
flaps.
What are they called? - Nasal-labial folds.
Is it labial? Just a little bit over the thing, yeah.
That's it.
Then you just pop this You do like a three.
This is what I've been taught.
Right.
So you just do round here.
Around a bit.
All the way.
And the other side.
- How's it looking? - Fish face.
Like that.
- It does look like contouring.
- Yeah! I'm contouring.
What do you think I'm doing? Not cooking dinner, am I? Now, to offset it, you've got to stickle Oh, I didn't put that thing on you.
Always pop one of these on.
And then you've got to bake it.
This will set it.
Like that.
And that's pretty much We are ready to rock.
- There you go.
- Beautiful.
Susie Dent and Natalie Cassidy.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are HE CREAMS and the clue is - so soft on my skin.
That's HE CREAMS - so soft on my skin.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser: the words were HE CREAMS, and the clue was - so soft on my skin.
It was of course CASHMERE.
OK, it's time for our final letters game.
- Sara and Lolly, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- One at a time? - Yes.
- A consonant.
R A consonant.
S A vowel.
A A consonant.
N A vowel.
U - A consonant.
- ANUS! - R - Another R - URANUS - URANUS! Looks like SOMEONE'S going to get a word! A consonant.
L A consonant.
P - A vowel.
- And the last one .
.
O.
30 seconds starts now.
MUSIC: Proud Mary by Tina Turner CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, my gosh! Oh! Sara, how many? - Five.
- Five! Lolly, how many? Five.
Roisin, what did you get? Hmmm Erm I think I've got, er .
.
none again.
None! Jessica, what have you got? - Five.
- What was your five? POLAR POLAR! Lolly, what was yours? I also got POLAR.
Sara, what have you got? - SLURP - SLURP! OK, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Now then, Susie, could they do any better? Yes! PARLOURS OK, so Roisin and Jessica have 17 and Sara and Lolly have 27.
APPLAUSE As ever, Countdown ends with a conundrum.
Should we ever have this many women on ever again? Fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Time starts now.
BELL Lolly and Sara? BOTH: QUICKENED Let's have a look! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Well, the final scores are Roisin - and Jessica have 17 points - Yes! .
.
but tonight's winners, with 37 points, are Sara and Lolly.
Congratulations! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You are now the proud owners of the Countdown motorbike.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
Now welcome your host, Katherine Ryan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to a very special all-female edition of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
Tonight we're celebrating 100 years of women's suffrage.
It's an all-female, cisgendered, mostly white women line-up.
One step at a time.
LAUGHTER 100 years ago women in Britain won the right to vote as long as they were over 30, and married, and property owners, and educated, and white, and breast-fed, and right-handed and had never been directly rained on.
What a victory for women everywhere.
LAUGHTER I'd like to reassure any men watching that this is a one-off.
No, it is so not a one-off.
Within five years we'll be wearing your balls like earrings.
LAUGHTER Thanks to all the support from male feminists, by the way.
It makes us want to sit on your face.
Cos it's one way of stopping you from continually telling us that you are male feminists.
When the actions of some men are criticised there are guys on the Internet who will say, "Not all men.
" There are guys watching right now, like, "Not all men say, 'Not all men.
'" I didn't say all men, did I, you thirsty little bitch? LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's team captain Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In 38 years of the Edinburgh Comedy Award Roisin is one of only nine women to have won.
The prize? Vouchers to Spearmint Rhino.
Joining Roisin tonight it's Jessica Hynes.
APPLAUSE Jessica Hynes once played the part of a suffragette which is what a lot of women do until the bill comes, right, lads? Ey! Up against them this evening it's team captain Sara Pascoe.
Sara is an animal lover.
She's not a big fan of animals but she is AMAZING in bed.
LAUGHTER It's true! Sara's team-mate, Lolly Adefope.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lolly shortened her real name because people were too stupid and lazy to learn how to say it properly.
And whatever it is I'm sure it's real nice.
Lolly, you recently filmed a sitcom in the US with Daniel Radcliffe.
- Yes.
- Are you a Harry Potter fan? - I love Harry Potter, yes.
I actually spent quite a lot of money on doing a full psychological test to find out which house I'd be in.
And the results came in and they said that I should grow up.
LAUGHTER One of the funniest things I ever saw was a woman on drugs LAUGHTER It was a lady on a tube reading a new Harry Potter book and she was obviously out of her mind on drugs and it was very funny.
She was going, "No, no, no, not yet" Was it JK Rowling? LAUGHTER It was the best tube journey of my life because she kept putting the book to her chest and going, like, "No, no," and then going, like It was incredible.
Sara, you've written a book.
Do you ever just sit while someone's talking thinking, "Screw you, I've written a book"? I'm thinking it now.
LAUGHTER - But you're working on another book - Yeah.
- .
.
called Sex Power Money and it's about men.
- Yeah.
What have you found out? What I've found out is only one part of the research is fun.
LAUGHTER I should have called it something like Sex Dogs Doughnuts or Sex Shopping Afternoon Drinking.
OK, Roisin, you star in GameFace and you're in Man Down.
How would you bring a man down? I don't think you can make a man go down.
LAUGHTER You can sort of push their heads a bit, but that's as much force as you can Maybe some crumbs.
That's good.
Like Hansel and Gretel.
Yeah, but with, you know, a different sort of house at the end.
I was about to say something so crude and I know it'll make it in.
- A hairy house.
- I was about to say meat house - and I really upset myself.
- GROANING AND LAUGHTER But I don't want that to go in even though it's funny.
I've upset myself.
Your meat house is going in.
As for what goes in your meat house, I can't promise.
Would you have made a good suffragette? I think I would have.
I like to think I think we all like to think we're as brave You know, you look back and go, "I would have been like that.
" Rather than I'm worried that if I went back in time, I'd be a real "Oh, God, I'm scared, though.
We'll get in trouble!" - You know? - I'll meet you down there.
- Yeah.
- I'm coming.
- Don't smash the windows! - I'm definitely coming, I'm going to just do that and then I'll be there, I'll meet you there.
- I'll come, I'll be there.
- Yes.
In my head, I'm at the front going, "We've got to do this," but in reality, I'm a little bit scared of things sometimes.
So that was a suffragist.
They were peaceful and then the suffragettes were the violent ones.
- Yeah, but I'd want to do the violence.
- Yeah.
I don't want to do the fucking admin.
When they first started throwing rocks through the Parliament window, they wanted to smash the windows but they didn't want to hurt anyone inside, so they use to tie ropes to them.
So they'd smash the window and then jerk the rocks back.
But that does undo pain, doesn't it? Like, if the weapon disappears.
You'd have people not believing you.
"I got hit by a rock.
" "What rock?" - OK, Jessica, have you got a mascot? - I do.
Something very exciting has happened at home.
A new family member has arrived in our house.
And And he's called Bud.
- Aw! - He is a little baby chick .
.
that has just hatched out of my daughter's little incubator.
- He's beautiful.
- Isn't he? - Yeah! Well, I'm assuming it's a man, but listen to me.
If it was female, it would have a bow in its hair.
LAUGHTER That's how you know.
But he's a little He's a little, little chick.
When are you going to eat him? Roisin, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot.
So, you know, I've done this show quite a lot, Katherine.
- Mm-hm.
- And let's just say, I don't do particularly well on it.
Erm And I get a lot of tweets.
Things like, "Why is that fucking idiot on the show again?" Can I just say, I don't think that's going to change with me sitting next to you.
I'm really sorry.
- No, but maybe you'll get some of the tweets.
That's the plan.
- OK.
So what I've done is, to make me feel less pressured, I've decided to try and make it feel like it's my own home.
I have brought in my own window.
OK, right, so this is my house.
OK, so I'm going to put my dressing gown on like I'm indoors.
So you know you live next door to Jessica Hynes? - Do you want me to pass you anything behind you? - Yes, please.
- I'm going to be like your lifter.
- Thank you, Sara.
Like, I'll be the props guy.
- Right, got my nightgown on.
- Do you want these things? Close the curtains because I'm taking my bra off.
Let some blood to my head.
- Need these cushions? - Yes, please.
Thank you.
- And some cushions.
- I feel like I'm watching a play, Roisin.
I know, like a musical's going to start.
GRAVELLY VOICE: I tell you what he said He ain't coming back here no more.
He can do all he likes.
I won't let him in.
Close the curtains, the old Bill are there.
I love it! This is actually - Lolly, have you got a mascot? - I have.
I've brought in something because I think we should celebrate the fact that it's an all-female line-up, which is some champagne.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Yes.
Where'd you get that booze? So That's that.
- Wow! - Congratulations, everyone.
- So Countdown's now a drinking game? It is a drinking game, yeah, yeah.
- What would the drinking game be? - I think we should It'd be like you celebrate when you do well - and you commiserate when you do badly.
- Yeah.
- That's a good game.
- Are you passing them along? - Oh, thank you! - Is this real? - I think so.
Thank you, I'll just have the one.
Keep yours.
Lolly, I know you're a big Countdown fan.
- You watch at home.
- Yes, I love it so much.
- I'm going to win.
Thank you.
- Are you? LAUGHTER Do you watch it with champagne at home? Yes.
Every morning.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheersies.
Roisin, thanks for having us all round yours.
Sorry it's a bit of a mess.
- Sara, what's your mascot? - Well, I was thinking about Sometimes people complain that there aren't enough role models for young girls growing up and that some of the toys can be a bit misleading in terms of what society expects of women.
And so I've got some merch.
Because, actually, there are two very, very brilliant women here.
Only two.
And, erm, one of them is clever, beautiful and kind.
Aw! And so this is the Rachel Riley doll.
She comes with all of her favourite sums.
Yeah, and then, oh, she's a bit lonely, needs a friend.
Here she is.
- Ah! - Susie Dent.
- Love it.
And so, Susie, she comes with a dictionary and a little mug.
You can take them out and kind of, like, do little skits and plays like, exactly what would happen with Rachel and Susie.
You could be like, "Oh, shall we go to the cocktail bar?" "Oh, I love Manchester United.
" "Oh, my God, I'm so drunk.
" - Erm And then - That's exactly what happens.
"One plus one equals two.
" "Two" "Me and you.
" LAUGHTER "I love you.
" "I love you too.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Natalie Cassidy.
APPLAUSE - Hi, Natalie.
So great to have you on the show.
- Thank you.
How was your journey up to Manchester? It was lovely, thank you.
I love to step out the window and, like, look at everyone's back gardens and switch off and think about all of me achievements.
What's your favourite achievement so far? Oh, it's probably a toss-up between lesbian Sonia and coming fifth on Strictly.
Yeah, I smashed the foxtrot with my Magic Moments, but I came unstuck on week 11 with my Long Tall Sally.
Well, what are you working on at the moment? Anything exciting? Well, actually, I'm working on a screenplay with Dean Gaffney.
Ooh! Amazing.
What's it about? It's about a solicitor in LA what gets mixed up in a murder case cos he fancies a sexy lady who's done the murder.
Or No, MIGHT have done the murder.
And do you LAUGHTER Do you see much of Dean Gaffney? Oh, yeah, he's just done me guttering.
And with Natalie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie's attitude to the word game is like many women's attitude to dicks.
She's happy enough with a six, but really looking for an eight or nine.
True.
Susie, how do men and women use language differently? Well, do you remember there were loads of words coined last year? You know, we've got manspreading and mansplaining and things.
But also, in Old English, we used to have all these gendered nouns so every noun was masculine, feminine or neuter.
- Oh, like French? - Like French.
- And - LAUGHTER Exactly, like French.
Except it kind of went wrong in French because in French, vagina is masculine and - Are you joking? - And breasts - Yeah, that's because you kind of - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH It's true.
- Anyway, so I think - Tres vrai.
.
.
we should try and bring that back.
- Sorry.
- No, no, it's fine.
- I was just trying to use all of my GCSE French.
- Yeah.
I think that's about it.
What is penis in French? Er Le baguette.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Avec le jambon.
I love that bit, see? Susie, what word should every woman have in their vocabulary? I think we've said quite a lot of them tonight.
I liked meat box.
Meat house! It's nice to know what you're into, meat box.
Erm I think we ought to try and reclaim You know all the words that are only used about women? - Frumpy - Yeah.
- Air head.
Hysterical.
Crazy bitch.
Exactly.
- Singleton.
All women, they get called singletons.
- Singleton.
Hung like a doughnut.
Can you tell me what that means? There you go.
You know, I like that one.
"Hung like a doughnut.
" OK, I'm borrowing that one.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE People might expect me to hate Rachel because of the way she looks.
And I do.
Rachel, if you could be any famous woman from history, who would you be? Well, there are so many good ones to choose, but I'd probably go for Eva Braun, Hitler's wife.
Eurgh.
I think, you know, I should take one for the team - and you could just bump him off.
- Yeah.
Or if you didn't want something so political, then I'd go for, erm, - Ariel, the little mermaid.
- Mm-hm.
- She's one of the only women left that can wear exactly what she wants.
She can swim around in her shell bra and not worry about anyone grabbing her by the pussy.
Because, obviously So it's a toss-up.
OK, let's get rid of the house before we Countdown.
Yeah, I'm going to get rid of the house.
OK, tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown motorbike.
APPLAUSE MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Roisin and Jessica, you get first pick of the letters.
Just pick some consonants and vowels.
It's basically what Roisin's parents did to pick her name.
- A vowel, please.
- Thank you, Jessica.
A Consonant, please.
A vowel, please.
O A consonant, please.
G A vowel, please.
E Consonant, please.
P Consonant, please.
R Consonant, please.
- And another consonant, please.
- And the last one R And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Come on, up.
Lift, you fucker! OK, one last try.
Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry, Rachel.
Sorry, I'll get you down safely.
Ooh! You'll be fine.
Walk it off, Rachel, well done.
Roisin, how many letters did you get? - I got five, Katherine.
- Five? That's good.
- Jessica, how many letters did you get? - I got five.
- Five as well.
- Yeah, five.
Sara and Lolly, could you do any better? I got six, which is one better than five, not to show off before the maths round.
- Lolly? - I also got six.
- Six.
OK, Roisin, what's your five? GREAT.
The irony! LAUGHTER - OK, Jessica, your five? - I got GRAPE.
- Sara, what was your six? - Er, ROTTER.
- Lolly, what was your six? - I got PARROT.
- Ooh! - That's a good one.
- That's clever.
Six points to Lolly and Sara.
Well done.
Yes! We're winning.
Susie and Natalie, could they have done any better? Well, yeah, I liked PREGO or TROG.
There was POTAGER for seven and there was an eight there - GARROTTE.
OK.
Onto our first numbers around.
Sara and Lolly, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have two big ones and four small ones? You can.
Two from the top, four little.
And they are 3, 2, 1, 9, 100 and 75.
And the target - 339.
OK, your time starts now.
The target was 339.
Lolly, did you get it? It depends on how you look at numbers.
- Did you get close? - I got - It kind of depends what you mean by close.
I got 344, which is quite close.
Roisin, did you get it? If I said yes, would you believe me? - Yeah.
- And leave it there for once? LAUGHTER How about you, Jessica? - I'm not sure.
No.
- OK.
Sara, you're going to win seven points if you really have 344 and you're the closest.
I've actually got it down to 341 now.
- OK, I'll take 341.
- OK.
3 x 2 = 5.
- 3 x - LOLLY: Plus two! Plus two! Hold on, hold on Plus two! 3 + 2 = 5 Yes.
5 x 75 5 x 75 = 375 375 - Ah - Is that what it's supposed to equal? Er, nooo LAUGHTER - I think I've got it.
- Jessica, you have 339? So, 3 x 75 3 x 75 - How many times? - .
.
is - .
.
225.
- Yes.
225 + 100 = 325 Yes.
325 + 9 .
.
is - 334.
- 334 + 1 = 335 - Yeah.
- 335 + 2 - Two away.
- 337.
- Wow.
- So, yeah.
337.
LAUGHTER I cannot give points to anyone.
What?! No-one got what they said they had and there was very little clarity .
.
you stupid bitches.
- Rachel, was it possible? - It was.
100 + 75 - 1 = 174 174 x 2 = 348 348 - 9 = 339 Whoo! Well done, Rachel.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - It's so great when she does it.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Natalie, what have you got for us? - Well .
.
I've been working on an idea for a new international Netflix series box thing.
- Yeah? - The idea is about my character, Natalia Cassini.
She's a, erm She's an Italian fashionista living the high life and then she gets kidnapped by this Swedish geezer.
It's called Stockholm Syndrome.
And basically, yeah, I was wondering if you would run a scene with me.
- I would be honoured to work with an actress like you.
- Fantastic.
- You can be Sven.
- Sure.
We'll go from the top, all right? - OK, I'm ready.
Thank you.
- OK.
We're in a proper cool apartment in Stockholm, which is in Sweden.
Natalia, who is in bed with a bit of side boob showing Sven is watching her like the pervert he is.
Hey, Natalia, my darling.
Want an open top sandwich? No, thanks.
I'm not hungry, Sven.
And anyway, I still ain't talking to ya.
In fact, I've got the raging hump with ya.
But why? I thought we were friends now.
Stockholm syndrome.
For kidnapping me from the fashion show, babe! You were well out of order there.
I'm sorry, you just looked so pretty.
Girls like you are never interested in me.
That don't mean you have to go bundling them into the back of your Volvo.
Women deserve respect, you silly sod.
I do respect you.
I love you.
I don't know.
I hate you for what you've done, Sven.
But also, I've got feelings for you now.
I can see you're both a kidnapper and a human being.
Stockholm feels like home now.
LAUGHTER Good, and that's exactly what I wanted you to think.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! EASTENDERS DRUMS Great! Natalie Cassidy, everyone.
And here's your teaser.
The words are LITE SEX and the clue is - I've got a lot of material.
That's LITE SEXT - I've got a lot of material.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were LITE SEXT, the clue was, I've got a lot of material.
It was, of course, TEXTILES.
OK, we've been playing in teams so far, but now it's time for team captains Sara and Roisin to go head-to-head.
Me and you.
Look how pleased you are, cos you know you're going to win.
But wouldn't you be pleased if you were winning and going to win again? - Sara, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- Thank you.
And before we start, can I just say, whatever comes out is what - I'm naming my next child, so pick very well, Rachel.
- Got it.
OK, vowel, please.
I Consonant.
M Consonant.
Y - IMY's all right as a name.
- It is all right as a name.
IMY? IMYsorry I let that guy finish inside me.
Consonant.
L Vowel.
U Consonant.
R Consonant.
You've lost your mind.
S We've got one vowel! Two vowels.
Roisin wants a vowel.
A And another vowel, please.
And O.
OK, your time starts now.
GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF MUSIC PLAYS POTS AND PANS CLATTER - How are you getting on, Katherine? - Fuck off, Sandi.
Go fuck yourself.
GLASS SHATTERS OK, time's up.
Please bring out your Showstopper.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Domestic goddess pulling through.
Easy.
I did the school run when I was in there as well.
- Anyone wanting cake? - Yes, please.
Would you like to eat some of the head, the ass? You can't cut into that beautiful thing.
- Well, it's a cake, it's meant to be eaten.
- Can I have the horn? I think we should all agree not to eat the cake.
- We should agree not to eat the cake at all? - Yeah.
- No.
Number one, it looks too like an animal.
Number two, they told me backstage it's not vegan.
Number three, we're women, should we be eating sugar? But, Sara, I'm a good hostess, so I would never leave you out.
- I know you're vegan.
- Yeah.
- I brought you this to eat.
Can you pass that along to Sara? - Thank you.
What herb is this, basil? - Yeah.
- Delicious.
- Enjoy.
I'm going to cut it because it's so beautiful inside.
I can't watch this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I bet that's what happens if you cut Kim Kardashian's arse off as well.
Do you want me to help you? - Yes, would you like to dish this cake out? - Where's it going? - I made a cake.
Whoever would like some cake.
- Lovely, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Sara, what have you got? - Six.
- A six.
- And Roisin? - I've got one, two, three, four, five, seven.
Oh! Sara, what's your six? - It's SOURLY.
- Roisin, what's your seven? Well, I think I should get extra points here cos I took your notes, I heard what you were looking for - I got MARY-LOU.
Whoa! - Susie, is MARY-LOU a word? - Erm, sadly not.
- OK, that's six points to Sara.
Well done.
- Damnit to hell.
APPLAUSE Natalie, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes.
ROYALISM is there for eight, and SOLARIUM is there for eight as well.
OK, so at the end of that round, Jessica and Roisin have no points and Sara and Lolly have 12.
APPLAUSE OK, it's now time for Jessica and Lolly to go head-to-head in the numbers round.
I feel like I need to remind myself that I'm indoors, so I'm going to put some more things on to try and make myself I'm doing really badly.
- Do you have a basil plant at home? - Maybe I should.
I don't live well.
- That is so nice.
- Ladies, head in the game.
- Jessica, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK.
- I'll have three small ones.
- Yep.
Two middle-sized ones, please.
- I mean, I've only got big or little.
- OK, I'll have another little one.
- Another little one.
- And then two big ones.
- Four little, two large.
- How about that? - Love it.
Right, your little ones are 5, 9, 4, and 8.
And the large ones 100 and 25.
- Wonderful, thank you.
- And this target for you OK, your time starts now.
Roisin, what's going on in the mead house? Just trying to get something out of tonight myself.
Just trying to get my confidence back up.
OK, the target was 364.
Jessica, did you get it? - I got 366, I think.
- 366.
- Lolly, did you get it? - Yes.
- You got 364? - Yes.
This is my daughter.
How did you do it? I think that's a personal question.
9 x 4 = 36 - Is 36.
- Yes.
And then 25.
- Yeah.
- And if you take the 5 away from that then you're left with 2.
Right, scrub that one.
Yeah, 8 squared is 64.
- 8 to the power 2.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, 64.
And then if you mash those numbers together.
So, yeah.
Plus 36, you get 100.
Wait, no, I meant if you take 36 and 64 and you smash them together, that's 364.
- Ah, so like 3664 - Yeah.
- And then, like a little smiley face kind of thing.
- Yeah, exactly.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
So, Jessica, for the points, how did you get 366? 4 x 100 = 400 - 25 = 375 - 9 - That's it.
- Congratulations.
Seven points to Jessica.
APPLAUSE Rachel, how could they have gotten 364? Well, if you say 100 - 9 = 91 x 4 That's it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Scores at the moment - Roisin and Jessica are on 7 and Sara and Lolly are on 12.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are I CAN'T PEE, and the clue is - have another go.
That's I CAN'T PEE, have another go.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were I CAN'T PEE.
And the clue was, have another go.
It was, of course, PATIENCE.
OK, now we get on with the game.
A chance for our teams to win some extra points.
This year we're celebrating 100 years of women's suffrage but how much do our teams know about sexism and suffragettes? Let's test their knowledge in our bonus quiz! Oh, yeah! Here's the first question.
Which of the following things were women depicted as on anti-suffrage propaganda postcards? Was it Sara and Lolly, what's your answer? Sexy witches is complimentary, absolutely.
- Hungry monkeys - Complimentary, as well, I think.
- Yeah.
- You hungry little monkey.
In evolution, they're very close to us.
Angry cats.
I think that's everyone's enemy.
- We're going to go angry cats.
- OK.
- Roisin and Jessica, what's your answer? - It's the cats.
It's the cats.
Angry cats.
I can tell you the answer is angry cats, as you can see from this genuine postcard from the 1900s.
- To be fair, you'd give him that vote.
- It worked against them.
Anti-voting propaganda.
"Meow! I want my vote!" "You've got it, pussycat!" Yes, these postcards were meant to portray the suffragettes as silly, incompetent, domestic creatures, not suited to politics.
Next question, in 1906, the Anti-Suffrage Society produced a postcard called A Woman's Mind Magnified.
There is a blank version under your desks.
Please take that out.
On the poster, the woman's mind was filled with all the trivial things that prevented her from voting sensibly.
All you have to do is draw what you think they were.
You're up against the clock.
Everybody draw, start now.
In here.
Thinking about things.
Time is running out.
OK your timeisup.
Lolly, what have you got? I think that they are thinking about cleaning .
.
Martini drinking, and babies or children.
A lot of good ones there.
I'll give you one point for babies.
- Sara, talk us through your picture.
- First up, bumblebee.
Because all women are scared of bees.
She's thinking about a hat because she's very bald.
She's wondering should she get a hat? Then she's thinking, "Am I pregnant?" All women above nine and under 70 think about this 95% of the time.
Then, she realised that a question mark, upside down looks like a pregnant woman.
So, then she's like, "Ooh, is that a clue?" And then she thinks, am I pregnant with a bee? After it has stung me.
- What a nightmare that would be.
- Yeah.
Well, Sara, I'll give you two points.
One for pregnancy, one for a hat.
- Jessica, what about you? - Mainly doughnuts.
Then destroying the patriarchy, obviously.
Then wondering how do you actually spelt "patriarchy"? Because I don't think she knows.
What about you, Roisin? I've got just "Why is my head so massive?" - I'm sorry, no points there.
- What? If your head was that big, you wouldn't be thinking about that all the time? Hold your picture up again.
Do you think she looks weird? Weird? OK, let's have a look at the answers.
We've got a dress and a hat, some men and a wedding ring, a baby, a puppy, a box of chocolate and, of course, some correspondence because women are always thinking about correspondence.
Right, last question.
Women eventually got the vote but, surprisingly, sexism didn't end there.
This extraordinary advert from 1953 is for a postage machine to be used in offices.
Which of these was the tag line for the advert? Was it Oh, my God! Sara and Lolly, what do you think? - This hurts me.
- They're all great.
And they'd all work.
I do like "for postage easier than she is.
" It kind of looks like she's answering back, though.
He looks more like he's exasperated, less like he's trying to seduce her.
- Yeah, yeah.
- "For God's sake!" I think he's doing that pose, like, "It doesn't always happen! "Give me five minutes.
" "It's very cold in here! That's why it is so small.
" - Is that your final answer? - I think we should go with B.
- You think, "finally, a colleague who won't answer back"? - Yeah.
- OK.
We'll go with B.
- Roisin and Jessica, where's your head at? - I think it's "for postage easier than she is.
" - I don't.
You need a colleague who doesn't answer back! - What do you think it is? - I think it's the last one.
- "Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" - Yeah, I think it's that one.
- Go with that then, I reckon.
- OK.
The correct answer is - No! Is it really? - Boom! - Yes! He wants to kill her because she refuses to use the postage machine, only to change her mind when she realises that it gives her more time to gossip.
Well done, Sara and Lolly, you've won the quiz.
That's five points to your team.
OK, on with the game.
- Roisin and Jessica, your turn to choose the letters.
- You go.
You go.
- May I have a consonant, please, Rachel.
- You may.
D Another consonant, please.
F A vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
N A vowel.
A Another vowel.
E And the rest consonants, please.
And B.
And M.
And You sure? One more vowel.
Thanks, Rach.
I OK.
Time starts now.
Jessica, what have you got? - One, two, three, four, five.
- Roisin.
How about you? I've got nothing.
- Sara, what about you? - Five.
Lolly, what have you got? Six? Ooh! My back's hurting a bit here.
I'm going to sit down.
- That's great, by the way.
- Thank you.
I love sports.
- Jessica, what's your five? - FINED.
- FINED.
Yes.
Sara, your five? - MINED.
M-I-N-E-D.
- Lolly, what is your possible six? For the points.
- MAINED.
What might it mean, Lolly? Like, "remained" but less than that.
Susie, is it a word? Well, you can have the horsey "maned" but without the I.
But, otherwise, no.
OK, it's five points to both teams.
Your face is coming off, Rois.
- Poor Roisin! Take it off now! - Like there's a ghost on your face.
- You do look lovely and fresh.
- Really? I do feel replenished.
Natalie, Susie, what could they have had? - DIAMINE.
- What? She's written it down, I don't know what it means.
It's a compound whose molecule contains two amino groups.
Do you want me to go on? Nah.
OK, so, at the end of that round, Roisin and Jessica have 12 and Sara and Lolly are in the lead with 22.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
OK, so, basically, me and Susie are going out on the town.
Going to go to the green room after this and have some vodka and Slimlines.
She said, she is up for me giving her a contour lesson.
So, I'm going to show you, babe, how to look, keep it gorgey.
And it's only going to take about an hour.
So OK, first thing, you start with your concealer.
I've got this colour in bukkake.
You start off with cheeky little triangles underneath the eyes, like that.
Like that.
- I've seen a lot of these on YouTube.
- Yeah, exactly.
Just bukkake that up.
- A little line down there.
- Yeah.
Remember you've always got to get the nasal-labial - .
.
flaps.
What are they called? - Nasal-labial folds.
Is it labial? Just a little bit over the thing, yeah.
That's it.
Then you just pop this You do like a three.
This is what I've been taught.
Right.
So you just do round here.
Around a bit.
All the way.
And the other side.
- How's it looking? - Fish face.
Like that.
- It does look like contouring.
- Yeah! I'm contouring.
What do you think I'm doing? Not cooking dinner, am I? Now, to offset it, you've got to stickle Oh, I didn't put that thing on you.
Always pop one of these on.
And then you've got to bake it.
This will set it.
Like that.
And that's pretty much We are ready to rock.
- There you go.
- Beautiful.
Susie Dent and Natalie Cassidy.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are HE CREAMS and the clue is - so soft on my skin.
That's HE CREAMS - so soft on my skin.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser: the words were HE CREAMS, and the clue was - so soft on my skin.
It was of course CASHMERE.
OK, it's time for our final letters game.
- Sara and Lolly, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- One at a time? - Yes.
- A consonant.
R A consonant.
S A vowel.
A A consonant.
N A vowel.
U - A consonant.
- ANUS! - R - Another R - URANUS - URANUS! Looks like SOMEONE'S going to get a word! A consonant.
L A consonant.
P - A vowel.
- And the last one .
.
O.
30 seconds starts now.
MUSIC: Proud Mary by Tina Turner CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, my gosh! Oh! Sara, how many? - Five.
- Five! Lolly, how many? Five.
Roisin, what did you get? Hmmm Erm I think I've got, er .
.
none again.
None! Jessica, what have you got? - Five.
- What was your five? POLAR POLAR! Lolly, what was yours? I also got POLAR.
Sara, what have you got? - SLURP - SLURP! OK, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Now then, Susie, could they do any better? Yes! PARLOURS OK, so Roisin and Jessica have 17 and Sara and Lolly have 27.
APPLAUSE As ever, Countdown ends with a conundrum.
Should we ever have this many women on ever again? Fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Time starts now.
BELL Lolly and Sara? BOTH: QUICKENED Let's have a look! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Well, the final scores are Roisin - and Jessica have 17 points - Yes! .
.
but tonight's winners, with 37 points, are Sara and Lolly.
Congratulations! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You are now the proud owners of the Countdown motorbike.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.