8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s16e02 Episode Script

Sean Lock, Katherine Ryan, Jon Richardson, Joe Wilkinson

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson.
Sean Lock.
Katherine Ryan.
Joe Wilkinson.
Dr John Cooper Clarke.
Susie Dent.
Rachel Riley.
And your host, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
We're the late-night anarchic version of Countdown.
And we're not afraid to break the rules.
LAUGHTER I'll get that in a minute.
I'll get it.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon once performed in a hospital.
They wanted to see if laughter really is the best medicine.
And they needed a placebo for the control group.
LAUGHTER And Jon's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson! APPLAUSE Joe is a comedian, actor and the location for the next series of Springwatch.
APPLAUSE Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Lovable Sean Lock is probably most famous for his catchphrases.
Catchphrases such as "another whisky, please", "shut up", and "I'll tell you when it's last orders".
LAUGHTER And joining him tonight is Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE The name Katherine means pure, so I can only assume the name Ryan means filth.
LAUGHTER Katherine, take a look at your opponents.
Do you think you can take them down? Absolutely.
I really love Joe and Jon.
They're like opposites.
Sean and I, though, we're on the same level.
We're very much alike, we enjoy the same things.
Pints on a train.
Don't we, Sean? Mm.
- I love that film.
- Yeah.
- LAUGHTER That's our favourite film.
We enjoy darts.
Reality television.
- The entire Kardashian genre family.
- Mm.
LAUGHTER Who's your favourite, Sean? Of the Kardashians? The little one.
LAUGHTER With the moustache and the sombrero that runs in with crisps, keeps coming in with crisps.
LAUGHTER Sean, have you ever considered another career path? Yes, I did think about becoming an air traffic controller.
But I've got a verbal tic.
You know, some people say, "you know", "like", "mmm", "ah".
I always say, "I think.
" So if I said, "Flight 664.
You are cleared for takeoff.
I think" LAUGHTER .
.
there'd be panic.
Likewise, as a barrister "I am convinced that my client is completely innocent.
I think.
" I'm not even sure I'm married.
LAUGHTER OK.
Jon, how would you describe your sense of style? LAUGHTER That was a man openly laughing at you.
- That's really a question for other people to answer.
- Ooh.
LAUGHTER - Go on.
- I was going to say shite.
LAUGHTER And that's from Joe.
Can I ask, Joe, have you got a mascot this evening? Yes, I've been working on a book about the show.
It's about what goes on behind the scenes on the show.
And it is called Countdown Behind The Scenes: A Living Hell.
LAUGHTER On the front they've got a picture of the clock burning.
On the back I've just put a picture of the back of my legs.
I've also done an audio book of it on cassette.
So I thought I could play a little bit, see if you like it.
I'll just randomly TAPE RUNS 'I'll tell you who is a proper bellend - that Jimmy Carr.
' Hold on.
TAPE RUNS Keep on.
'Rachel Riley does a frightening amount of poppers.
' Nah.
TAPE RUNS 'Countdown was the first programme to be aired' That's nicer.
'And 73 series have been broadcast since 1982.
' KNOCK AT DOOR ON TAPE SUSIE: 'All right, Joe?' 'Oh, God Hello, Susie.
What do you want?' 'Can I leave all these toilet rolls I've nicked in your dressing room?' 'No.
The cleaner will report you to security.
' - 'Oi, listen here you - BLEEP - little - BLEEP.
- 'If you - BLEEP - tell anyone that I've nicked all these - BLEEP - toilet rolls, - 'I'll - BLEEP - rip your - BLEEP - you a - BLEEP BLEEP.
- 'If you - BLEEP - any - BLEEP, - you little - BLEEP.
- 'Now - BLEEP - off.
' LAUGHTER - Katherine, have you got a mascot? - I do.
So any time I ask my male co-workers if they want to come round to mine and make slime they think I'm trying to sleep with them.
LAUGHTER - But I mean actual slime.
- What is this slime? It's very popular on the internet - you know, the kids make slime, they watch people making slime.
I'm trying to get my YouTube subscriptions up.
I've got some for Jon and Joe's team.
If you'll get your ingredients - I thought I could smell glue.
I thought it was just Joe.
- OK.
LAUGHTER So you start with glue, just PVA glue, just put as much as you can in there.
So glue, just some glue.
And then I like to add baking soda, fluff it up.
- Oh, me too.
- Right? And then you want to put in some shaving foam and then you fold all that in together so then you can do the fun stuff.
You can put some food colouring So I'll make mine this Oh, no, childproof.
It's childproof, so you have to push a bit.
Can you do it, then, Jon? LAUGHTER He knows he's not allowed.
- Then you might want to - That's taramasalata you've made.
- You can put some glitter in.
- Yes, please.
- And then the final ingredient.
- Go on, fuck it all in there.
- Yeah! LAUGHTER Is that what they say when making children's slime? The "fuck it all in there"? It's not really in the spirit of the slime.
Once you're all mixed in, you just put this, contact lens solution, and then it will turn to slime in about 20 seconds.
- Can we have that? - If you wouldn't mind, Sean, just giving the boys some.
And then You will see how quickly it becomes slime.
Do you want to do it with your hands, Sean, or shall I? - No.
- No! I think you should go to your room.
LAUGHTER Look, it's slime now.
- Oh! - So it's going to get harder and harder as we go.
LAUGHTER Jon, can we see your slime, please? I look like I've just wanked off a unicorn.
LAUGHTER - He does.
- Look, Sean's has worked out really well.
Isn't that fun and satisfying to play with? Yes, it is.
This reminds me of my nana's neck.
LAUGHTER Sean, what's your mascot? We're all concerned these days about the environment.
- Yes, we are, Sean.
- In particular, the current trend for takeaway cups.
People are a bit concerned about that.
- Is there anything we can do, Sean? - Yes.
Sean has put his brilliant mind to solving this problem, the same way that I was the first person to extract pepper from sea water.
LAUGHTER That was my idea, yes.
You know they just used to get the salt out, and I said, "Let's do the pepper as well.
" LAUGHTER I came up with a process to get the pepper out.
And now all the top restaurants use Sean's sea pepper.
Obviously, the dream is to get the vinegar out as well.
But .
.
we are decades away from that.
But I've come up with a solution to the throwaway cups.
And I thought, "How can we have takeaway coffee "in a portable container "that you don't have to carry around with you?" People said you can have your own cup.
I thought, "I don't want to carry a cup around.
" So I was at the fair.
What did I see? A young lad who'd just won a prize, and he had won one of these.
Whoa! There we go.
So I thought - little ping! And you have this Same thing, full of coffee.
Sorry, that one's got a goldfish in it.
LAUGHTER Not real.
All right? So, basically, this is the idea - you have a coffee in a bag.
You drink the coffee and you just put the bag in your pocket.
It's genius.
That looks delicious.
- Oh, shit.
- Don't worry.
- Thank you.
- There we go, look.
- Oh, no So, you know, you fancy a coffee, you're on the go, you're a busy guy, or a lady.
It is unisex.
LAUGHTER If you just want to have a quick coffee Yeah, yeah, I will be with you in five.
LAUGHTER You know.
What's not to like? I mean, this isn't Dragons' Den, but it is good.
Jimmy, I've got something for you, because you like a big coffee.
- I do like a coffee.
- You like a venti, don't you? I got you that.
LAUGHTER That should keep you going.
That is lovely.
Thank you.
How heavy is that! Jesus! Sean Lock's coffee bags, available at all good retailers.
APPLAUSE That's really horrible.
Jon, do you have a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I'm a big fan of the smash hit Channel 4 show Naked Attraction.
Its working title is, of course, The Low Point Of Human Evolution, but Yeah.
How come you never got to host it? LAUGHTER My only issue with the show is I don't think you need to see someone's cock and balls to understand the person.
I think you can just see someone in their socks and know everything you need to know about that person.
So, as a result, I've devised a new show.
This is called Socksual Attraction.
So let's have a quick game of Socksual Attraction.
Wow, this looks fantastic.
So I've got three gentlemen in here.
So here you can see what I would call the wacky sock.
This is someone with such a lack of personality that they have to wear it on their clothes.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER That's probably enough of him.
Um, this is I mean, you can see instantly there.
Odd socks.
Huge hole and dirty feet.
This would be just the lowest point of the human race, really, the sort of person you would dread your daughter bringing home, you know, if you were a father.
LAUGHTER Pop that away.
And there you can see that's just a classic.
Looks like quite a cotton-rich black sock there.
Pulled up.
The guy's got respect for himself.
He doesn't want cold ankles.
I think we're expecting to see here just a sort of average, just normal guy.
LAUGHTER - Jon, did? - That was a lovely cardigan he had on, wasn't it? Jon, did the last guy not have his cock and balls out? I think I would have noticed if he had his cock out, Jimmy.
And that'll be on our screens? Some time in the next never.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's legendary performance poet Dr John Cooper Clarke.
APPLAUSE John says he only gets four hours of sleep a night.
No fucking shit, John! LAUGHTER John, I hear exercise isn't really your thing.
Is that true? Hold it.
I get plenty of exercise, Jim.
I am forever jumping to conclusions, skipping breakfast and I've even been known to run a bath.
I love it when you're on the show.
And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE All Susie's 14 books are now available in a box set, which make it much more convenient when you are dropping them off at the charity shop.
LAUGHTER Susie, you recently looked into the history of swearing.
What did you learn? Well, first of all, all the swear words that we use today, well, most of them were pretty innocent.
Or at least not as rude - Really? - .
.
as they are now.
Yeah.
And a lot of them cropped up in surnames as well.
There was unfortunately someone who appears in court records in the 12th century called Roger Fuckebythenavele.
LAUGHTER And that is one of the first records In fact, it may be the first record of fuck that we have.
- All one word? - All one word.
And he was called Roger as well! Yes.
Oh, Roger is the funny bit of that name! LAUGHTER OK, in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel has been on Countdown for almost ten years and is now in her 30s.
On a completely unrelated note, if you're young, hot and good at maths, Channel 4 would like to hear from you.
LAUGHTER I shall send in my application.
LAUGHTER OK, Rachel, you're pretty smart, but who is the smartest person you've ever met? That's hard to say, because I've met two astronauts and, through you, the late great Stephen Hawking.
But we did have a contestant on once that offered shitface for eight and didn't offer shit-faced for nine because he knew it was hyphenated.
And that, I think, is a level of intelligence justabove anyone.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
The Countdown basketball net! CHEERING Come on! Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to you but that guy is a fucking idiot.
LAUGHTER I didn't think he'd be able to hold the ball.
That's the most he's ever worn as well.
It's the first time I haven't been able to see HIS hoop.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown.
Time for our first game.
Jon, Joe, you get the first pick of the letters.
Could I have a consonant, please? Thanks, Joe.
R And a vowel.
I And then a consonant.
A vowel.
O A consonant.
N Consonant.
L Vowel.
U No, going to have to start again.
LAUGHTER Consonant.
N And a vowel.
Too many Ns.
And the last one.
A.
For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
AUDIENCE: Aw! What have you got? Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER Prick.
Joe, how many? Yeah, I've got six, I think.
- OK.
Jon, how many? - A risky seven.
- I love that about you.
- Katherine? - Seven.
- Sean, how many? - Five.
- OK, what's your five? - TRIAL.
- Joe, your six? - NATION.
NATION.
- Very good.
- Whoa.
Yeah, it's really good, actually! Katherine, your seven? UNTRAIN Oh, shit.
That interesting, cos that was my risky seven.
I think it might be untrained, not UNTRAIN.
Look, if I can unlearn something, I can UNTRAIN it.
You can unlearn something but you can't UNTRAIN it.
- Watch me! - Just untrained.
LAUGHTER OK, 6 points to Joe.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, Jon, Susie, could they have done any better? There is an eight there.
It's another term for the lunar month, and it's LUNATION.
- Oh, so you can make up words? - LAUGHTER So, at the end of that, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 6 points.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
Sean, Katherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
You know what to do.
I'm already embarrassed.
Me usual, please, Rachel.
LAUGHTER Two large, four little.
Never deviates.
Right, four little.
We have 5, 8, 6, 4.
And the large, 75 and 50.
And the target OK.
Your time starts now.
So, the target was 151.
Sean, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Katherine, did you get it? - Even I got it.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Joe, did you get it? LAUGHTER You've written 50 to the power of 3 there.
LAUGHTER I did start down a route I shouldn't have taken, if I'm honest.
OK, Katherine, how did you do it? 8 - 6 = 2 2 x 75 5 - 4 =1 Hooray! Well done.
APPLAUSE Jon, did you do it the same way? I made the 2 with 8 ÷ 4.
And then I made the 1 with 6 - 5.
Can I say? Because you put brackets around it So that makes you an utter prick.
LAUGHTER - Yeah.
- Look, what a turd.
OK, so time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
John, have you got any poems for us? I'm glad you asked.
Yes, of course I do.
Anyone who writes lyrics for a living, this is an occupational hazard.
Sooner or later somebody is going to come along, change one word of the title and have a worldwide mega-smash with it.
This is a few of the times where that happened to me.
So this one is called I Wrote The Songs.
I wrote the songs that nearly made the bottom line of the hit parade.
Almost anthems, should-have-been hits.
Songs like Putting Off The Ritz.
Some Enchanted Afternoon.
24 hours From Levenshulme - in Manchester.
Dancing In The Daylight.
Singing In The Smog.
You Ain't Nothing But A Hedgehog.
Ain't No Blag.
Mama's Got A Brand-new Jag.
She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister.
Not to mention Twist And Whisper.
Brand-new Leopard-skin Pill-box Glove.
Baby, You And Me Got A Greasy Kind Of Love.
But correct me if I'm incorrect, but you seemed to latch on to You Ain't Nothing But A Hedgehog there.
Just to show you that there are tunes to go with these titles .
.
here is a little clip from You Ain't Nothing But A Hedgehog.
# You ain't nothing but a hedgehog # Foraging all the time # You ain't nothing but a hedgehog # Foraging all the time.
# You ain't never pricked a predator You ain't no porcupine.
LAUGHTER John Cooper Clarke, everyone! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are FREE SHAT.
The clue is - ooh, that tickles.
That's FREE SHAT.
Ooh, that tickles.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were FREE SHAT, the clue was - ooh, that tickles.
It was, of course, FEATHERS.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Joe and Sean.
Sean, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a, erm selection, please? S I Ooh Q Get rid of that.
LAUGHTER U S O - JOE: This is going really fast.
- Slow down.
V JOE: I feel sick.
E R OK, and you time starts now.
It's all right, isn't it? I've done them for everyone.
I've done a Katherine Ryan.
- SHE GASPS - Oh, my gosh! I love that.
- I've done a Sean Lock.
Quite a lot of work on the forehead, there.
- Aww.
- I've done a Joe.
- Oh, hold on And I've done one of Jon as well.
Rachel, I've done one for you as well.
- SHE GASPS - Wow! And for Dictionary Corner, that's John and Susie, there.
What on earth is that?! A really fat top lip.
Jon, are you happy with yours? Well, it's a piss-take, isn't it? Look at the love handles.
Sean, are you happy with yours? Yeah.
Just as eager as me.
They got my three testicles right.
This is difficult for me, because in college - and by college, I mean Hooters - I was LAUGHTER .
.
I was targeted by an inflatophiliac who tricked me into putting, like, clear bags down my, likedifferent I can't even talk about it.
He challenged me to put LAUGHTER He said, "If you put clear bags down your pantyhose ".
.
and then, like, inflate them somehow, "if you can figure that out, how to do it, "and take photos and e-mail them to me, then I'll give you ?300.
" And I thought I was smart cos I had these, like, clear plastic bags.
I went down to the petrol station, I used, like, a big pump to pump them up so I had these huge legs and then I just did it for, like, weeks because he kept challenging me, like SHE LAUGHS And then those pictures were on a website .
.
for people who get off on balloons, and he still follows my, like, career and he still reaches out every once in a while and this is going to be bad.
And if anyone's interested, ?300.
- Did you get the money? - No.
OK, back to the game.
Sean, what have you got? - I think I've got an eight.
- Joe, what have you got? - Six.
- What is your six? TOSSER - TOSSER.
Susie? - Can I have TOSSER? SUSIE: Erm Yes.
"British vulgar slang - "a person who masturbates (used as a general term of abuse.
)" Sean, your eight.
VITREOUS SUSIE GASPS - VITREOUS for eight? - Amazing.
- Come on, round of applause for VITREOUS.
Tremendous.
CHEERING Eight points to Sean! VITREOUS - Do we get to punch our balloons to the floor? - Yes.
Nice of you to ask.
John, Susie, could they have done any better? Not than VITREOUS, that was our eight as well.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Joe have 16, Sean and Katherine have 18.
CHEERING Time now for Katherine and Jon to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
Let's have one big one and five small ones, please.
One big, five little, and they are 6, 7, 2, 1, 9 and 100.
And the target, 478.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 478.
Jon, did you get it? - I got 477.
- Well, that's pretty close.
Katherine, did you get it? - No.
437.
- OK.
Jon, take us through this.
How did you do it? 6 - 1 = 5 6 - 1 = 5 5 x 100 5 x 100 = 500 7 x 2 = 14 14 + 9 = 23 500 - 23 - Yep.
- OK.
- One away.
- Seven points to John.
Now, Rachel, it's definitely not an easy one, but can it be done? - Yes.
If you say 100 - OK, yeah.
.
.
plus 6 = 106 106 ? 2 = 53 Oh, well, why would you go that way? - 53 x 9 - Right - .
.
is 477.
- Really? 477 + 1 - KATHERINE: Whoa.
- JOE: Jesus Christ.
I tell you what, VITREOUS and then that, that's some of our best Countdown ever.
- And my six.
- And your six.
OK, so Sean and Katherine have 18, Jon and Joe have 23.
CHEERING Time now to go across once again to the wonderful John Cooper Clarke in Dictionary Corner.
- Have you got any more poems for us, John? - Yes, I do, yeah.
My marital career until now has been long and largely pointless.
In fact, somebody once said that a wedding is a funeral where you can smell your own flowers.
Well, that's a harsh judgment in my book.
I prefer to see it as a sexual relationship that is recognised by the police.
And with that in mind, this one's called, - I've Fallen In Love With My Wife.
- Aww.
The doorbell used to say ding-dong But now it bursts out into song If I'm forlorn, it ain't for long Could I be wrong or have I fallen in love with my wife? Fare thee well, my fairy fay We cared so slightly anyway Call me krazy with a capital K I've fallen in love with my wife I've fallen in love with my wife She populates my days It's keeping me awake at night My head stuck in this fun-kissed maze Every time I talk, I mumble Every time I walk, I stumble I'm dancing like a drunken uncle I've fallen in love with my wife I've fallen in love with my wife She populates my days She's not that far from a carving knife I have to keep her in my gaze I don't swear, but what the hey I'm all right and she's OK Get out of our fucking way I've fallen in love with my wife I'm her fella, she's my mate She steals the chips right off my plate No wonder I'm losing weight I've fallen in love with my wife I steal a kiss, she takes the piss We lived a life of ignorant bliss All that and now this Sorry, mate.
.
.
I've fallen in love with my wife.
John Cooper Clarke! CHEERING And here is your teaser.
The words are BUM COSTS, the clue is - it's going to blow.
That's BUM COSTS - it's going to blow.
See you after the break.
CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were BUM COSTS, the clue was - it's going to blow.
It was, of course, COMBUSTS.
Before we go on, it's time to give our teams the chance to win some bonus points.
Of course, as is tradition when we've got John Cooper Clarke on the show, we have a poetry competition.
So I've asked all the players to write a poem.
Okay, John, you're going to be judging these poems.
Well, Katherine, you want to go first? Take it away.
- My poem is about being single.
- Okay.
I really love the lonely life, my house is always spotless.
I do know married women, though, I would describe most as a hot mess.
Will I stay this way forever? The trouble with men is, they're dicks.
I won't deny there's one thing about them that I can't resist.
Their dicks.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, John, you are the expert and our resident poetry critic.
- What do you think? - Yeah, I think that's terrific.
- Yeah, I think that was dead clever, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you, John! Sean, you're next.
What's your poem about? It's about the looming pensions crisis LAUGHTER .
.
that this country's facing.
So.
Here we go.
Something I think I should mention, you're buggered if you don't have a pension.
A child born in Blighty must work till he's 90.
And if he's a pilot, this may cause some tension.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Okay, Jon, you are next.
Take it away.
This is called My Daughter's Laugh.
My daughter's laugh is a wonderful sound.
It pricks the ears of all round.
It's the sound that kickstarts my everyday.
My music, my birdsong, my firework display.
Stay young, stay happy, just giggle and titter.
But just at the moment, Daddy's trying to watch the darts and it is the final, to be fair, so could you fucking tone it down a bit, please? LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - John Cooper Clarke, what you make of that poem? - Fabulous.
They're all really, really quite alarmingly and worryingly good.
Well.
Let's have a change of gears now, Joe.
LAUGHTER Joe, what is your poem about? My poem's about something very important to me, it's about how come it's okay - to name your willy - SNORT OF LAUGHTER but it's not okay to name the fella's willy next to you at the urinals.
So my poem's called Hanging About in a Train Station Toilet Naming People's Penises.
LAUGHTER Hello, commuters, on your way to work.
LAUGHTER I'm going to call yours Captain Birds Eye.
Because it looks like it's wearing a polo neck and winking at me.
LAUGHTER You're welcome, I just named your penis.
SEAN BANGS DESK JOE WHEEZES LAUGHING JOE GROANS, LAUGHS Hello, t- LAUGHTER Hello, train driver who's just nipped in for a piss.
I'm going to call yours Mrs Fernsby.
My old My old geography teacher, because you're small and wrinkly and have a birth mark down the side of your shaft.
Why?! You're welcome, I just named your penis.
Hello, p- - Hello - Please stop.
- Hello - HE WHEEZES Hello, police officer LAUGHTER Oh, God! Hello, police officer who's just been sent to the toilets because they've had reports of someone naming people's Sean Sean You can't arrest me for naming strangers' cocks! Oh, you can, I didn't know that.
Oh, great, now I'm electronically tagged again.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE JOE SIGHS LAUGHTER CONTINUES I think I just came fourth.
Oh, that has brightened my soul.
John, what is the winning poem? Joe.
Oh, it was great, it ramped up the suspense and it led to And it led to a catastrophic denouement I can't argue with that.
Well, that is five points to Joe! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Okay, on with the game.
Jon and Joe, you turn to choose the letters.
I'm still reeling from the revelation that you have a soul.
Consonant, please.
P Vowel, please.
A Another consonant, please.
M Another consonant, please.
T.
Oh! LAUGHTER Joe's out.
Unless there's an S.
Let's have a look.
Consonant, please.
- G.
- Oh I and an N, I and an N.
Vowel, please.
I Ooh-hoo-hoo! LAUGHTER - Consonant, please.
- Go on, go on, go on, go on! Ahhh! And a vowel, please.
U And another If you don't get a consonant I'm going to punch you in the back of the neck.
LAUGHTER I feel like I should get a consonant.
- Oh! - Y.
JOE: Oh, yeah, still in with a five LAUGHTER Okay, your time starts now.
- Joe, how many? - Five.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, how many? Five? LAUGHTER - Sean, how many? - Five.
LAUGHTER - Katherine? - Six.
Oooh.
Yeah.
So, Joe, can I ask, what's your five? PANTY.
LAUGHTER Jon, your five? PITHY.
Sean, your five? - I went with Joe's PANTY.
- LAUGHTER Susie, is PANTY in there? No! - What do you mean? - No, it's not.
Well, PANTIES are only there in the plural.
But no PANTY.
Okay, well, Katherine, for the win THINGY.
LAUGHTER What?! - THINGY? - THINGY.
- Gotta be in there.
- Yes.
It's in.
- KATHERINE: Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE THINGY, for six points! John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Two sevens, NAUGHTY - Oh! - .
.
and PATHING.
Okay, so at the end of that, Sean and Katherine have 24 points and John and Joe are in the lead with 28! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser - the words are GIMP SKIN.
The clue is - its value for money, that's GIMP SKIN, it's value for money.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were, GIMP SKIN.
The clue was - it's value for money.
It was of course SKIMPING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
OK, can we please have a consonant.
Thank you, Katherine.
P And a vowel.
I Another consonant and then another consonant.
T, S I got a four, Jimmy! Can we have a vowel, please.
E Vowel.
O And a consonant, please.
And another consonant, please.
D And then ladies' choice.
Go for a vowel.
A OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
# What a feeling # Being's believing # I can have it all # Now I'm dancing for my life # Take your passion # And make it happen # Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life What a feeling.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, do I look coquettish? Murder on the hamstrings.
Let's go.
APPLAUSE - Joe? - Seven.
- OK.
Jon? - Seven.
- Sean? - Five.
- Katherine.
- Seven.
- OK.
- Sean, what is your five? - SITED.
- All right.
Katherine, what is your seven? - SPOTTED.
- Very good.
- SPOTTED.
Full disclosure, I tried SPITTED and SPATTED first.
I wish you hadn't said that.
Joe, what is your seven? - I really want to say - What is your word? - SPITTED It should've That's not a word, it's SPAT isn't it? - It's probably worth looking up.
- SUSIE: Yeah.
It's there, to put a spit through meat in order to roast it over an open fire.
- Thank you.
- That is what he meant.
- Jon what's your seven? - POTTIES.
- POTTIES? Yep, they're in.
Seven points to both teams.
Jon Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? What's that eight there, kid? - Erm, DIOPTASE.
- DIOPTASE.
- Yep.
It's a rare mineral, occurs as emerald green or blue-green crystals.
OK, so Sean and Katherine have 31.
Jon and Joe have 35.
This is going to be a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Fingers on buzzers.
Your time starts now.
- BUZZER - Aw! TRIUMPHED.
I mean yes, you have.
What the fuck! CHEERING Jon, talk us through where you are right now in terms of smugness? I will not be able to watch the show back.
Because I will have to invent a time machine to go back and punch my own face.
We're about there.
I'm slightly annoyed it was two.
What a team effort.
I think it's unfair, because they are nearer it, they see it before us.
LAUGHTER Those nano microseconds, make all the difference.
JON: But if that was the theory you would win every letter and number game.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So the final scores are, Sean and Katherine have 31, but tonight's winners with 35 points, Jon and Joe.
Congratulations.
You are now the proud owner of this, the Countdown basketball net.
Do you guys want to play? How about it? Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
LAUGHTER CHEERING