8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s16e09 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 This programme contains strong language from the outset and adult humour APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on the Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special Sean Lock! Jon Richardson! Kathy Burke! David Mitchell! James Acaster! Susie Dent! Rachel Riley! And your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to the Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special, a show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I'm not saying Jon is an unwelcome Christmas guest, but every time he opens one of the doors on his advent calendar, the chocolates pretend to be out.
And Jon's team-mate, David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Christmas is David's favourite time of year, because, well, you just try and imagine him in summer clothes.
You can't, can you? Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING When I look at Sean, I think of Christmas, because he has a face like a boiled ham.
And joining Sean tonight is Kathy Burke.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Kathy loves being on her own and doesn't see anyone on Christmas Day.
Same as my nan - although my nan doesn't like being on her own.
Sean, who would you most like to spend Christmas with? That's a tough, tough question, because it's obviously a choice between Jesus, Santa, or Pele, isn't it? You know, Jesus, it's his birthday, he doesn't want to be at my house.
Nobody wants to be at my house on their birthday, not even my kids.
Santa, he's knackered, he just wants to watch Moonraker with a can.
So You've got to spend it with Pele, which is great in one way, but he's taken so much Viagra now, he'll just be knocking all the furniture over.
I wish you hadn't asked me.
It's just a bloody nightmare.
I apologise.
Jon, just quickly, talk me through, what are you wearing? Er, this? I like to pick a horrific, horrific Christmas outfit each year.
I think I really wear this well.
Nice.
What's your Christmas morning routine? It's similar to everyone else's, really.
I don't eat meat.
People always assume we have, like, a joyless Christmas, but I get up early and put the vegan pigs in blankets on, which is like carrot but not peeled, stuff like that.
Luckily marzipan is vegan.
It tastes vegan.
By which I mean it tastes disgusting.
The recipe is the same as the way I make love.
It's roughly equal quantities of nuts and sugar.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE David, what do you do to get into the spirit of Christmas? Well, I'm a fan of advent calendars that don't have chocolates in.
Because I think that's a perversion.
I like advent calendars to have a picture, each day, you can imagine, what's it going to be in advance? Maybe it will be a little child looking hopeful, maybe it will be Santa.
That's a big day, if there's an actual picture of Santa.
And you just like opening the window and having a look.
Yeah, it's a great build-up, isn't it? It's a brilliant build-up.
24 doors, and then, hurray, tomorrow we'll have a row.
I think what you're saying is people no longer get sufficient excitement from opening a door and seeing a picture.
- Yeah.
- And that's kids these days.
- Yeah.
They have too much time on iPads and screens, and opening a little cardboard door and seeing something as simple as a shepherd's crook - Yeah.
- .
.
and a star It's amazing that it's stayed at chocolate, that it hasn't moved on to crack cocaine.
OK.
Kathy, if tomorrow was your last day on earth, what you do? Smoke.
No, what I would do, I'd go to those places you're not allowed.
You know like when you're in a caff or a restaurant and you go to the toilet, there's always a door, "staff only".
Fuck that, I'd go in it.
Yeah! Have a little poop in there, why not? So, what's on your Christmas list this year? Nothing.
I don't like Christmas, you know that.
- So - Why are you? So I don't make lists, why would I make a list? About something I don't like? I just find it abhorrent, I just think it's I think it's appalling.
You think Christmas is appalling.
I do, I just hate the whole caboodle, I hate all this shit, I hate that tree.
How many trees does a studio need? You've even got a little one there.
There's one, two, three Four, five Five fucking trees.
It's ridiculous.
I think it's in the 12 Days of Christmas, I think Five fucking trees The only thing I do like, funny enough, is Jon's jumper.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I do, yeah.
- You know like Iceland does their party food range? - Oh, lovely, yeah.
So I brought out a range of my party food.
And I'd like to start off with this one, button mushrooms Button mushrooms wrapped in anchovies.
And that's called prisoners in blankets.
I thought Jon would like this.
I'd love to, but I don't eatshit.
- Honestly, they are an absolute sensation.
- Don't do it.
Oh, no! Rachel, you're usually game for these things.
I usually am, but I've gone vegan.
- Have you? - In the last five minutes? - Sorry! This is one of my favourites.
This is? Liver with candyfloss.
And that's "pervert in playground".
And that Oh, you know when you've had a treat! Here we go, there's another one here.
This is a mussel on a little cocktail sausage.
And that's called pigeons on benches.
What is that one again? So it's It's a mussel with a little cocktail sausage.
You should try some of these, Jimmy, I'm going to do you a little plate.
I've got some other ones here.
We've got widows on bikes.
That's a Brussels sprout with pork scratching in between.
Nothing vegetarian, then, so far.
Well, that is.
Oh, it's pork scratching, come on! And I think, Jimmy, you'll appreciate this one most of all.
This is A chip marinated in whisky for two days, then lightly roasted in the oven and sprinkled with icing sugar.
This is called Jocks on smack.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, could you not make eye contact with me when you're sucking a Brussels sprout? Because it's difficult for me to work aroused.
Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
Is that Are you enjoying a widow on a bike there? The combination of textures It's all very funny now, Sean, but you've just had liver, candyfloss, mussel, a cocktail sausage, some chips drenched in whisky, two Brussels sprouts and a pork scratching.
I think you might be sick, mate.
You haven't seen what I've been drinking! OK, Kathy, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
I've got a food-based mascot as well.
You know, it's a very health-conscious world at the moment, isn't it? It's all about exercise and being slim.
And I've always been dead against that.
And some, my mascot is, erm, carbs.
Andanyone want some carbs? It's very nice bread.
I'll just do myself a slice.
What did you say it's called? Carbs.
- Carbs! - I've not seen this food before! And it's just lovely.
It's quite a thick slice you've done for yourself there.
Well, it's a comedy show.
APPLAUSE OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I thought I'd take you on a Christmas Carol journey through Christmas past, present and future.
What with it being Christmas and all.
This is Christmas past, so I thought I'd show the youth of today, what they call the on-demand generation, a slice of Christmas they'll never get to taste, and that was the joy of getting a Christmas TV Guide and having to look forward to something that you were going to watch.
You couldn't just press a button and have it, you had to wait for these things.
And if you were me, you'd record it.
So, this is one of my videos from my collection.
I still have hundreds of these at home.
It's got the film Legend on it, which I think everyone should own.
And then an episode of a show called FAQ U, which was hosted byyou! Yeah, that's true, yeah.
Are you saying that when you were still taping things, you were a child and I was already on television? - Well - Is that what you're saying? You're making me feel like Barry Cryer.
I thought you might like this because I don't think there's any record of this anywhere.
Oh, no, it was all destroyed.
Thank you very much.
And I do obviously, being from the past, I do still have a working VHS player.
The ghost of Christmas present.
Now this is Christmas presents that I've given to people that have been returned me.
At Christmas, you know you get the thing where, like, if you like beer, someone will buy you one small beer but then like a glass to drink the beer out of, all the paraphernalia and shit you don't actually want.
I've got a friend who is a big fan of pickled onions, so I got him the pickled onion lover's set, which is one onion there, a nice jar of vinegar, and In A Pickle, the history of preservation in Britain.
I think that's a lovely gift for the pickled onion lover in your life.
That was brought back.
And the final, the glimpse into Christmas future, what happens every year on the Christmas special is that I dress up like a Christmas tit and come all happy and you two are always together and you say that Christmas is shit.
So I've capitalised on that and I now have for sale these, which I call Sadvent calendars.
Is that an abattoir? It's a lovely abattoir scene there on the front.
Jesus, Jon! Anyway, David, you will be pleased to know, no chocolate in here, just behind each window is a lovely fact about Christmas that you can enjoy.
For example on the 17th you would open your little window and you'd read "People are more likely to die at Christmas "than at any other time of the year.
" Four "Someone chokes on turkey every year at Christmas.
" I think this is a gift for you two, would you like to? That's perfect.
Can I keep it, Jon? You can keep it, there's a fact behind every window, - if you want to have a look at a few bonus ones.
- That's brilliant.
Number six "About 350 people a year are hurt by Christmas tree lights.
" Did you know more people are killed falling down stairs than are killed by terrorists? Let me write that one down for next year.
Terrorists find it very hard to get staircases through customs.
- David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do.
It's Well, it looks like just some nice Christmas decorations.
But actually, this is robot wisteria.
- You know the plant wisteria? - Yes.
It's a dangling purple plant and this is the wisteria that grows on the robot planet.
And it's a growing trend in Christmas decorations, because obviously the aesthetics of Christmas and the aesthetics of robots have a lot of crossover - a lot of silver, a lot of gold, a lot of twinkly lights.
The robot planet, they have that all year round.
And a great way of getting our Christmas decorations and helping the economy of the robot planet is to harvest them from the robot planet.
Have you had a breakdown? I don't understand why you're confused! Where is this robot planet? It's in outer space, Jimmy! Wisteria tinsel, then.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's James Acaster! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING What's the best Christmas gift you've ever received? Dog.
Got a dog for Christmas.
I know you're thinking, "Oh, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas, James.
" But I mean, this dog was just for Christmas, to be fair, but in my defence, it was 15 when we got it.
The vet had only given it until New Years anyway.
And I was just there hanging out with it, I took really good care of it.
Probably the happiest month of that dog's life.
Really looked after that dog.
And then, I mean, he just went in the garden with all the other dogs I've had for Christmas.
My garden is really What's the top of your Christmas list this year? Dog! OK, and with James, of course, it's Susie Dent! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING This Christmas, thousands of people will be waking up on Christmas morning and finding Susie Dent's new book among their presents.
So if you're watching, charity shop owners, you might want to clear a shelf.
Susie, are there any Christmas words that you particularly like? Yeah.
After all this food, it's got to be your yule-hole.
What's a yule-hole? Yule-hole is the furthest hole on your belt - sometimes you have to make it - that's reserved just for Christmas.
- It's lovely, isn't it? - I thought it was what I dig in the garden for the dog.
Oh, and there's one for you, Jimmy - toe-cover, which is a completely inexpensive but worthless present, like one of your DVDs.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Rachel has a PhD in maths, physics and quantum theory.
Using her to do the numbers on Countdown is like using Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to pull a shopping trolley round Lidl.
Rachel, what's Christmas like in the Riley household? - Any Russian traditions? - Yeah.
They do have different traditions.
Instead of Father Christmas, they have a guy called Ded Moroz, which is Grandfather frost.
And instead of Mrs Claus, he travels around the world with his granddaughter.
It's a little bit weird.
But even weirder than that, we went to Iceland last year around Christmas, have you heard of the Yule Lads? - Oh, yeah.
- From Iceland.
They're so creepy.
They've got hundreds, I think, of these Father Christmases.
And one of them is called the window peeper.
One called the sausage swiper.
And my favourite one is called the doorway sniffer.
So, these are manifestations of Father Christmas or? Yeah, they're called the Yule Lads.
- Instead of a nice guy that gives presents, a bunch of perverts? - Yeah.
Well, it's better than the Russian version with just a creepy old dude with a young lady wandering around the world.
That sounds like Doctor Who.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Christmas turkey.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # It's the most wonderful time of the year # There'll be much mistletoeing And hearts will be glowing When loved ones are near OK, let's countdown, everyone, for the first time today.
Sean and Kathy, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Consonant, please, Rachel, lovely Rachel.
- Thank you, Kathy.
- D.
- Er, consonant.
N.
- Consonant.
- Ooh.
P.
Vowel.
O.
Vowel.
I.
Consonant.
T.
Vowel.
A.
Vowel.
- E.
- Oh! Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Would you like another one? Oh, sorry! And a consonant, please.
- Sorry, Rachel.
- And the last oneN.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
BELL CHIMING # Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh # O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way # Bells on bobtail ring Making spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight # Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride On a one-horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Arseholes.
- Kathy, how many? - Seven.
- OK, Sean, how many? - Five.
Five, OK.
Er, David? I've got a risky seven.
Playing dangerously, OK, Jon? - I think I've got a seven.
- OK.
Sean, what is your five? - POINT.
- Kathy, your seven? - POINTED.
- Yeah.
I mean Sean, any thoughts on that? You got POINT, you just thought, feet up? OK, your risky seven, David? PATIOED.
- PATIOED - P-A-T-I-O-E-D.
It's when someone has been murdered and then buried under a patio.
"That hitchhiker very sadly got PATIOED.
" - And yet it's not in.
- It's not in?! - No.
Is that the most recent dictionary? Jon, your seven? I think I might have spelt this one, it might be two Es, but I got PENDANT.
- PENDANT is very good.
- Seven points for both teams.
APPLAUSE - We got seven each, yeah? - Acaster, Dent, could they have done any better? ANOINTED.
That's eight.
ANOINTED.
Did you get that, James, or did Susie get that? I got that! Right, onto our first numbers round, Jon, David, you get the pick of the numbers.
What do you think we should say? I think because it's Christmas, I'll say one big one and then you say five small ones, but like five gold rings.
Oh, right OK.
We can do that, yeah.
Sorry, just, yeah, let's just pick something at random, we haven't thought about it.
One big one - And then I say it like five gold rings? - Yes.
People won't think I'm a dick? OK, I'll do it, I'm up for it.
One big one and Fivelittleones.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I've done it in the shape of a ring just for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- For Christmas.
- A yule-hole! - A yule-hole! Right, we have 2, 8, 10, 8, 3, and 50.
- KATHY: - See? Fucking useless.
And the target - 785.
OK, and your time starts now.
BAND PLAYING "DECK THE HALLS" SUSTAINED TUNELESS NOTE APPLAUSE Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did.
- OK, David? - No.
- Sean, did you get it? Erm, no, sadly I didn't.
- OK, Kathy? - No, I was enjoying the brass band.
I don't want to suggest, Kathy, that yours is a problem of confidence.
But I worried for you just when the 50 went up and you said, "This is just fucking pointless.
" OK, Jon, how did you do it, how did you get 785? I said 50 x 2 x 8 50 x 2 x 8 = 800.
And then 10 + 8 - 3 = 15.
- Yep.
- And take it away.
- Well done, 785.
- Ten points to Jon! APPLAUSE OK, so, Sean and Kathy have seven, Jon and David have 17.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are "giant log".
The clue is It's nothing to show off about.
That's giant log - it's nothing to show off about.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GIANT LOG.
The clue was, it's nothing to show off about.
It was, of course, GLOATING.
So Jon and David are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Sean.
So, David, your turn to choose.
Oh, right.
Um - Can I just say something? - Yeah.
Since Kathy doesn't enjoy the numbers, shouldn't she do this? That's a much better idea.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Kathy.
What?! LAUGHTER I knew it was going to happen, but I'm trying to make it LAUGHTER Right, yeah.
You mean you wouldn't normally react like that, would you? No, you're right.
Can we go again? Sure, sure.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Kathy.
Ooh! LAUGHTER OK, David's choosing the letters.
- Consonant, please.
- Thank you, David.
R A vowel.
A Consonant.
Vowel.
E Consonant.
L Oh, it's no longer a word.
This is going to get tricky.
LAUGHTER - Sorry! - Another consonant.
D Another vowel.
O And two more consonants, please.
And T, and D.
OK, and your time starts now.
MUSIC: Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ah Tell you what, though - that hamstring.
Er, yeah, no, it's all right, you're getting better.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Should I be on a biscuit tin? OK, how many did you get, David? Er, six.
Kathy, how did you do? - Seven.
- Seven? OK, well, David, let's hear your six.
- DOTTED.
- DOTTED? Excellent, Kathy, your seven? RELATED - Er - No? There's only one E.
What do you mean? LAUGHTER Oh! Sorry.
You were looking - you didn't say there's not two Es.
No, I wasn't playing.
But you were Six points to David.
APPLAUSE Gutted.
Could they have done any better, Acaster, Dent? There's a lot of sevens, we found a lot of sevens.
A lot of sevens? Er, RATTLED, TODDLER .
.
ROTATED.
We had a great time, and in between everyone just saying - how much we like each other.
- Yeah.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Kathy have 7, Jon and David have 23.
Oh! APPLAUSE Right, time now for Sean and Jon to go head-to-head.
Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'll have my usual, please - Your usual.
- .
.
Rachel.
Thank you, Sean - two large, four little, I know by now.
And they are 2, 9, 5, 1, 75, and 50, and the target? 238.
OK, your time starts now.
STEEL DRUMS PLAY "LET IT SNOW" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! OK, the target was 238.
Jon, did you get it? Yes, I hope so, cos I spent half of that dancing.
I'm going to look like a right dickhead if I didn't.
It was pretty good, though.
Sean, did you get it? Yeah.
LAUGHTER Well, Jon, I think you'd better go first.
Yeah, I'll go first, and then Sean can say the same.
Yeah, let's do it like that, shall we? No, no, no.
Cos Sean, a lot of the time I notice when people get it, they put their pen down.
LAUGHTER Yes, 5 x 50 Yeah? .
.
is 250.
Minus - you can take a 9 off that.
- You've got another number, haven't you, Rachel? - Yeah.
You take 2 away, you've got 239.
- We're quite close.
- One away.
I can feel it, what do we do? Do we take the 75 away? LAUGHTER - Or the 1? - Just whatever feels right for you, Sean.
I think we'll go for the 1.
- Ah.
- Ooh Correct decision.
Well done, quite nicely done.
- You did it in the same way? - Did it in the same way.
Could you pass the paper over, like they do on proper Countdown, - cos I think that's a lovely moment.
- Yeah, there you go.
- And then, Sean - I don't understand it.
LAUGHTER OK, so it's ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
James, what have you got for us? Jimmy, Christmas would not be Christmas without a little bit of celebrity gossip.
So fresh off the griddle, first name Handy, second name, Andy.
Make noise, some of the Handy Andy fans in the room.
- Yeah - Yeah! LAUGHTER Don't tell no-one this, this doesn't leave this room.
His real name .
.
is Handrew Andrew.
LAUGHTER This is hot goss, Jimmy.
Well, what else have you got, baby? Dish! OK, we all know the saying, "I scream, you scream, "we all scream for ice cream.
" Little Ken Hom LAUGHTER .
.
he's trying to launch a new saying - "I cakes, you cakes, we all cakes for cupcakes.
" LAUGHTER Fucking doesn't even understand what the first saying works, the moron! Plus LAUGHTER .
.
when he goes into Sainsbury's, he likes to shout out, "I'm in Sainsbury's, in the Menbrainsburys.
" LAUGHTER Ken Hom shouts that.
And that's gossip, is it? Er, yeah, and so's this.
LAUGHTER Nasty Nick From the first Big Brother? Yeah! Also - side goss - real name Nick.
LAUGHTER He started vaping.
But you might not think that's even gossip, get your head around this - he didn't even smoke in the first place.
LAUGHTER One last bit of celebrity gossip for you in this section.
Here's some Christmas goss.
Noddy Holder, right, on that song, Merry Christmas Everybody LAUGHTER .
.
you know when he shouts out, "It's Christmas!" like that? He used to do that on every Slade song.
It was just that this was the first time it was appropriate.
LAUGHTER They had to edit it out all the time.
James Acaster, everyone! APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Sean and Kathy are on 17, and Jon and David are on 33.
Oh! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ELF ROAST.
The clue is, didn't go down well.
That's ELF ROAST, didn't go down well.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ELF ROAST, the clue was - didn't go down well.
It was of course, FLOATERS.
What's going on? Oh It's a card from Joe Wilkinson.
Erm, I'm pretty sure it's from Joe.
"Dear Jimmy, I have a new job now, so you can stick Countdown "up your arse.
"NASA have sent me to a new planet "as part of an intergalactic exchange programme.
"And in return, they have sent an alien in my place, "so he's going to be on the show instead of me.
"If you have a problem with that, tough shit.
" Joe Wilkinson.
Right, so I guess, please welcome the alien we've swapped for Joe Wilkinson.
Hold on, let me turn it round, hold on.
All right? So you're an alien from another planet, are you? Yeah, you got a problem with that? No, no, just you look a lot like Joe Wilkinson.
Yeah, I've heard, I've heard that, um Yeah, I've heard we look pretty similar.
Erm, main difference is, on our planet, we wear berets.
Oh, and, uh, yeah, we've got boobs.
What are you looking at, you prick? Nothing, sorry.
Do you, do you have Countdown on your planet? Uh, yeah, it's not as shite as this, though.
It's actually quite good.
You don't even have a Christmas bonus round, do you? No, we haven't.
Maybe you could show us your Christmas bonus round.
All right, well, it's usually played by the smallest contestant with the most annoying voice.
I think you might be talking about Jon Richardson.
Not me, surely.
Pop yourself up here, sweetheart, come on.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
He's the smallest person with the most annoying voice.
God, he is small, are you sure he's not a child? Give me a hand up this step, would you? Come on.
Oh, there you go.
- Oh! - There you go.
There you go.
They look very real.
They look very real? Have a squeeze.
Eee I mean, I've never touched a real one, so I don't know I don't know if that's normal or not.
So So as I'm sure you're aware, Jon, on my planet, it's a Christmas tradition to shoot Brussels sprouts out your arsehole.
So for the round, I'm going to need my half-brother Fabio to come on.
Come on, Fabs, come on.
Oh, yeah, I should point out If you're thick as pig shit, your boobs grow on your back.
So basically, the round is quite simple.
We're going to shoot Brussels sprouts from here and Jon has to catch as many as he can.
So let's play Catching Brussels sprouts As They Fire Out Of Fabio's Bumhole! OK, Jon.
All you have to do is catch as many Brussels sprouts fired out of Fabio's arse in that hat that you've got on.
OK, and your time starts .
.
now.
In your head.
Get lower, get lower.
Much lower, head forward, head forward.
Head How'd he get on? AUDIENCE GROANS It's not great news.
Jon, Jon, you You get a bonus card there, you get a bonus card.
You can play that any time of the game you feel you want to, you want to play.
But we don't have a bonus cards on this version of Well, that was a complete waste of time, then, wasn't it? Let's play Countdown! Yeah, I mean - Can I touch them? - Yeah, if you like.
They do look really real, don't they? This does feel really weird! - Don't feel weird about it.
- I've never done this! Oh! - That's quite - That's the noise I make.
Do you know? The noise of this is really loud.
It's like grinding, I can't hear anything.
If I could just stop it fucking spinning.
OK, let's go on with the game, everyone.
Sean, Kathy, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please.
- Consonant Are you going to help? - Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
- Do you want to There you go.
- Oh - I'll just pass them.
- And another consonant.
And another one, please.
C And a vowel, please.
That's an A.
And a consonant.
- And a vowel.
- Oh.
Argh! And a consonant.
H JON CHUCKLES And a vowel.
- He can't get it off, his fingers are too little.
- A.
And another vowel.
Small L.
And your time starts .
.
now.
Argh! David, how many? Er, four.
OK, Sean, how many? - Four.
- OK, it's going to be a high scorer.
Kathy, how many? - Five.
- So Jon, how many did you get? Er, seven.
OK, David, what's your four? Er, I got THIS.
What? I got THIS.
- Well, tell us what it is.
- I only got THIS.
THIS is what I got.
- If you could just read out what you got.
- THIS is all that I got.
I only got THIS.
Erm, Sean? GASI How are you spelling gassy? G-A-S-I As in, "Oh, this beer's a bit gassy.
" Not with that spelling.
Kathy, your five.
COATS COATS - Yeah, very good.
- Inarguable, COATS.
Very Christmassy as well.
COATS? Well, a bit Christmassy.
What, "Go and get your COATS"? "I want you to fuck off.
" No! Jon, your seven.
GOATISH - Yeah.
- If something's like a goat.
Yeah, you can be GOATISH.
- Yeah.
- GOATISH.
Brilliant.
Seven points to Jon and David.
Could they have done any better in Dictionary Corner? What do you think? Just another seven, we had GOTCHAS for seven as well.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and David are in the lead with 40 points.
OK, time to go across again to Dictionary Corner.
- James, what have you got for us? - Oh Reaching into my stocking Ah, it's another hot griddle! Some celebrity gossip.
Now, now a lot of you have heard the rumours there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Here's the thing, celebrity goss, there's actually no such thing as Ricky Tomlinson.
Not a real guy.
every time you see him it's just someone else with a fake beard on.
Yank it off if you ever see Ricky Tomlinson.
Well, if you like that, open wide for some more.
Fiona Beynon Brown Who?! She was She was the voice of Why Bird on Playdays.
This is the hot off the griddle celebrity section of the show? HE HISSES Fiona Beynon Brown She's a rebel.
When she has mouthwash, she doesn't measure it out in the cap, she swigs it out the bottle.
And I'll tell you what, before we go into this gossip, I'll tell you this, I hope Mr Motivator isn't watching.
Cos he's about to hear some gossip about himself.
Mr Motivator, this won't surprise you actually, he invented Movember.
He did.
Mo stands for Motivator, it's supposed to be a month of being motivated, but everyone just copied his tash instead of his moves.
And he got angry about it, and then him and his son, little Mo from EastEnders, they Right They started a campaign telling everyone, "No, no, no, "you're getting Movember wrong, no, no, no," and then they renamed it NO-vember in order to, like, you know, get across like, "No, you're doing Movember wrong," and that is why, to this day, we still call it November.
James Acaster, everyone.
Very good.
And here's your final teaser, the words are ELVES ROD, The clue is - get it all straightened out.
That's ELVES ROD - get it all straightened out.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were "elves rod" and the clue was, "get it straightened out".
It was of course "resolved".
OK, time for our final letters game.
John, David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Er, could I have, er, shall we start with a consonant? - Yeah.
- Consonant, please.
- M.
- Shall we have a vowel now? - Yes.
Can we have a vowel, please? Yes.
- Shall we have a consonant now? - No.
OK, a vowel, please.
I just wanted to see if you'd listen to me.
I've never been listened to before.
I respect the chain of command.
- Consonant now? - Yeah.
- Consonant, please.
- S.
Oh, Rachel, I got you a present by the way.
It's a tea tray.
LAUGHTER Lovely! It's just me draped over a Harley-Davidson.
Your boobs look a little bit Have you had a boob job since All right, love, leave it.
I've had a bit of work done, yeah.
You've just taken my Christmas present away? Yeah, your attitude stunk.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
- K.
- Consonant, please.
- F.
- Vowel, please.
- E.
- What shall we have now? No, you finish this yourself.
All right, consonant, please.
- N.
- Vowel, please.
- And O.
- Oh! OK, well, your time starts now.
HOWLING WIND Oh, it's going down my neck.
LAUGHTER That was really unpleasant.
John, how many? Er five.
OK, David, how many? Five.
Sean? I couldn't see.
I'd like to play John's bonus card and have 20 points, please.
- And Kathy? - Five.
All right, let's hear, John, your five? Well, you know like feck has become a thing? Well, in the north we say fook.
I thought I'd have fooks.
It's not in, sorry.
OK, David, your word? Means.
Kathy, what's your word? Monks.
Very Christmassy.
Unless they're Buddhist monks.
Which case, very unChristmassy.
Or chipmunks.
Five points for both teams! James, Susie James, Susie, could they have done any better? We have a really Christmassy word, we have Nosema.
N-O-S-E-M-A, which is a parasite that causes dysentery.
- Good fit.
- Here's a surprise.
We filled that thing with them.
OK, so Sean and Kathy have 22, John and David have 45.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's pointless Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
- I know it.
- RINGS BELL Oh! Yeah, go on.
- Astronaut.
- Yeah.
It is! Very well done.
So, the final scores are Sean and Kathy have 27, but tonight's winners, with 45, John and David! Well done.
Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Christmas turkey.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
Hello and welcome to the Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special, a show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I'm not saying Jon is an unwelcome Christmas guest, but every time he opens one of the doors on his advent calendar, the chocolates pretend to be out.
And Jon's team-mate, David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Christmas is David's favourite time of year, because, well, you just try and imagine him in summer clothes.
You can't, can you? Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING When I look at Sean, I think of Christmas, because he has a face like a boiled ham.
And joining Sean tonight is Kathy Burke.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Kathy loves being on her own and doesn't see anyone on Christmas Day.
Same as my nan - although my nan doesn't like being on her own.
Sean, who would you most like to spend Christmas with? That's a tough, tough question, because it's obviously a choice between Jesus, Santa, or Pele, isn't it? You know, Jesus, it's his birthday, he doesn't want to be at my house.
Nobody wants to be at my house on their birthday, not even my kids.
Santa, he's knackered, he just wants to watch Moonraker with a can.
So You've got to spend it with Pele, which is great in one way, but he's taken so much Viagra now, he'll just be knocking all the furniture over.
I wish you hadn't asked me.
It's just a bloody nightmare.
I apologise.
Jon, just quickly, talk me through, what are you wearing? Er, this? I like to pick a horrific, horrific Christmas outfit each year.
I think I really wear this well.
Nice.
What's your Christmas morning routine? It's similar to everyone else's, really.
I don't eat meat.
People always assume we have, like, a joyless Christmas, but I get up early and put the vegan pigs in blankets on, which is like carrot but not peeled, stuff like that.
Luckily marzipan is vegan.
It tastes vegan.
By which I mean it tastes disgusting.
The recipe is the same as the way I make love.
It's roughly equal quantities of nuts and sugar.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE David, what do you do to get into the spirit of Christmas? Well, I'm a fan of advent calendars that don't have chocolates in.
Because I think that's a perversion.
I like advent calendars to have a picture, each day, you can imagine, what's it going to be in advance? Maybe it will be a little child looking hopeful, maybe it will be Santa.
That's a big day, if there's an actual picture of Santa.
And you just like opening the window and having a look.
Yeah, it's a great build-up, isn't it? It's a brilliant build-up.
24 doors, and then, hurray, tomorrow we'll have a row.
I think what you're saying is people no longer get sufficient excitement from opening a door and seeing a picture.
- Yeah.
- And that's kids these days.
- Yeah.
They have too much time on iPads and screens, and opening a little cardboard door and seeing something as simple as a shepherd's crook - Yeah.
- .
.
and a star It's amazing that it's stayed at chocolate, that it hasn't moved on to crack cocaine.
OK.
Kathy, if tomorrow was your last day on earth, what you do? Smoke.
No, what I would do, I'd go to those places you're not allowed.
You know like when you're in a caff or a restaurant and you go to the toilet, there's always a door, "staff only".
Fuck that, I'd go in it.
Yeah! Have a little poop in there, why not? So, what's on your Christmas list this year? Nothing.
I don't like Christmas, you know that.
- So - Why are you? So I don't make lists, why would I make a list? About something I don't like? I just find it abhorrent, I just think it's I think it's appalling.
You think Christmas is appalling.
I do, I just hate the whole caboodle, I hate all this shit, I hate that tree.
How many trees does a studio need? You've even got a little one there.
There's one, two, three Four, five Five fucking trees.
It's ridiculous.
I think it's in the 12 Days of Christmas, I think Five fucking trees The only thing I do like, funny enough, is Jon's jumper.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I do, yeah.
- You know like Iceland does their party food range? - Oh, lovely, yeah.
So I brought out a range of my party food.
And I'd like to start off with this one, button mushrooms Button mushrooms wrapped in anchovies.
And that's called prisoners in blankets.
I thought Jon would like this.
I'd love to, but I don't eatshit.
- Honestly, they are an absolute sensation.
- Don't do it.
Oh, no! Rachel, you're usually game for these things.
I usually am, but I've gone vegan.
- Have you? - In the last five minutes? - Sorry! This is one of my favourites.
This is? Liver with candyfloss.
And that's "pervert in playground".
And that Oh, you know when you've had a treat! Here we go, there's another one here.
This is a mussel on a little cocktail sausage.
And that's called pigeons on benches.
What is that one again? So it's It's a mussel with a little cocktail sausage.
You should try some of these, Jimmy, I'm going to do you a little plate.
I've got some other ones here.
We've got widows on bikes.
That's a Brussels sprout with pork scratching in between.
Nothing vegetarian, then, so far.
Well, that is.
Oh, it's pork scratching, come on! And I think, Jimmy, you'll appreciate this one most of all.
This is A chip marinated in whisky for two days, then lightly roasted in the oven and sprinkled with icing sugar.
This is called Jocks on smack.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, could you not make eye contact with me when you're sucking a Brussels sprout? Because it's difficult for me to work aroused.
Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
Is that Are you enjoying a widow on a bike there? The combination of textures It's all very funny now, Sean, but you've just had liver, candyfloss, mussel, a cocktail sausage, some chips drenched in whisky, two Brussels sprouts and a pork scratching.
I think you might be sick, mate.
You haven't seen what I've been drinking! OK, Kathy, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
I've got a food-based mascot as well.
You know, it's a very health-conscious world at the moment, isn't it? It's all about exercise and being slim.
And I've always been dead against that.
And some, my mascot is, erm, carbs.
Andanyone want some carbs? It's very nice bread.
I'll just do myself a slice.
What did you say it's called? Carbs.
- Carbs! - I've not seen this food before! And it's just lovely.
It's quite a thick slice you've done for yourself there.
Well, it's a comedy show.
APPLAUSE OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I thought I'd take you on a Christmas Carol journey through Christmas past, present and future.
What with it being Christmas and all.
This is Christmas past, so I thought I'd show the youth of today, what they call the on-demand generation, a slice of Christmas they'll never get to taste, and that was the joy of getting a Christmas TV Guide and having to look forward to something that you were going to watch.
You couldn't just press a button and have it, you had to wait for these things.
And if you were me, you'd record it.
So, this is one of my videos from my collection.
I still have hundreds of these at home.
It's got the film Legend on it, which I think everyone should own.
And then an episode of a show called FAQ U, which was hosted byyou! Yeah, that's true, yeah.
Are you saying that when you were still taping things, you were a child and I was already on television? - Well - Is that what you're saying? You're making me feel like Barry Cryer.
I thought you might like this because I don't think there's any record of this anywhere.
Oh, no, it was all destroyed.
Thank you very much.
And I do obviously, being from the past, I do still have a working VHS player.
The ghost of Christmas present.
Now this is Christmas presents that I've given to people that have been returned me.
At Christmas, you know you get the thing where, like, if you like beer, someone will buy you one small beer but then like a glass to drink the beer out of, all the paraphernalia and shit you don't actually want.
I've got a friend who is a big fan of pickled onions, so I got him the pickled onion lover's set, which is one onion there, a nice jar of vinegar, and In A Pickle, the history of preservation in Britain.
I think that's a lovely gift for the pickled onion lover in your life.
That was brought back.
And the final, the glimpse into Christmas future, what happens every year on the Christmas special is that I dress up like a Christmas tit and come all happy and you two are always together and you say that Christmas is shit.
So I've capitalised on that and I now have for sale these, which I call Sadvent calendars.
Is that an abattoir? It's a lovely abattoir scene there on the front.
Jesus, Jon! Anyway, David, you will be pleased to know, no chocolate in here, just behind each window is a lovely fact about Christmas that you can enjoy.
For example on the 17th you would open your little window and you'd read "People are more likely to die at Christmas "than at any other time of the year.
" Four "Someone chokes on turkey every year at Christmas.
" I think this is a gift for you two, would you like to? That's perfect.
Can I keep it, Jon? You can keep it, there's a fact behind every window, - if you want to have a look at a few bonus ones.
- That's brilliant.
Number six "About 350 people a year are hurt by Christmas tree lights.
" Did you know more people are killed falling down stairs than are killed by terrorists? Let me write that one down for next year.
Terrorists find it very hard to get staircases through customs.
- David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do.
It's Well, it looks like just some nice Christmas decorations.
But actually, this is robot wisteria.
- You know the plant wisteria? - Yes.
It's a dangling purple plant and this is the wisteria that grows on the robot planet.
And it's a growing trend in Christmas decorations, because obviously the aesthetics of Christmas and the aesthetics of robots have a lot of crossover - a lot of silver, a lot of gold, a lot of twinkly lights.
The robot planet, they have that all year round.
And a great way of getting our Christmas decorations and helping the economy of the robot planet is to harvest them from the robot planet.
Have you had a breakdown? I don't understand why you're confused! Where is this robot planet? It's in outer space, Jimmy! Wisteria tinsel, then.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's James Acaster! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING What's the best Christmas gift you've ever received? Dog.
Got a dog for Christmas.
I know you're thinking, "Oh, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas, James.
" But I mean, this dog was just for Christmas, to be fair, but in my defence, it was 15 when we got it.
The vet had only given it until New Years anyway.
And I was just there hanging out with it, I took really good care of it.
Probably the happiest month of that dog's life.
Really looked after that dog.
And then, I mean, he just went in the garden with all the other dogs I've had for Christmas.
My garden is really What's the top of your Christmas list this year? Dog! OK, and with James, of course, it's Susie Dent! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING This Christmas, thousands of people will be waking up on Christmas morning and finding Susie Dent's new book among their presents.
So if you're watching, charity shop owners, you might want to clear a shelf.
Susie, are there any Christmas words that you particularly like? Yeah.
After all this food, it's got to be your yule-hole.
What's a yule-hole? Yule-hole is the furthest hole on your belt - sometimes you have to make it - that's reserved just for Christmas.
- It's lovely, isn't it? - I thought it was what I dig in the garden for the dog.
Oh, and there's one for you, Jimmy - toe-cover, which is a completely inexpensive but worthless present, like one of your DVDs.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Rachel has a PhD in maths, physics and quantum theory.
Using her to do the numbers on Countdown is like using Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to pull a shopping trolley round Lidl.
Rachel, what's Christmas like in the Riley household? - Any Russian traditions? - Yeah.
They do have different traditions.
Instead of Father Christmas, they have a guy called Ded Moroz, which is Grandfather frost.
And instead of Mrs Claus, he travels around the world with his granddaughter.
It's a little bit weird.
But even weirder than that, we went to Iceland last year around Christmas, have you heard of the Yule Lads? - Oh, yeah.
- From Iceland.
They're so creepy.
They've got hundreds, I think, of these Father Christmases.
And one of them is called the window peeper.
One called the sausage swiper.
And my favourite one is called the doorway sniffer.
So, these are manifestations of Father Christmas or? Yeah, they're called the Yule Lads.
- Instead of a nice guy that gives presents, a bunch of perverts? - Yeah.
Well, it's better than the Russian version with just a creepy old dude with a young lady wandering around the world.
That sounds like Doctor Who.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Christmas turkey.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # It's the most wonderful time of the year # There'll be much mistletoeing And hearts will be glowing When loved ones are near OK, let's countdown, everyone, for the first time today.
Sean and Kathy, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Consonant, please, Rachel, lovely Rachel.
- Thank you, Kathy.
- D.
- Er, consonant.
N.
- Consonant.
- Ooh.
P.
Vowel.
O.
Vowel.
I.
Consonant.
T.
Vowel.
A.
Vowel.
- E.
- Oh! Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Would you like another one? Oh, sorry! And a consonant, please.
- Sorry, Rachel.
- And the last oneN.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
BELL CHIMING # Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh # O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way # Bells on bobtail ring Making spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight # Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride On a one-horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Arseholes.
- Kathy, how many? - Seven.
- OK, Sean, how many? - Five.
Five, OK.
Er, David? I've got a risky seven.
Playing dangerously, OK, Jon? - I think I've got a seven.
- OK.
Sean, what is your five? - POINT.
- Kathy, your seven? - POINTED.
- Yeah.
I mean Sean, any thoughts on that? You got POINT, you just thought, feet up? OK, your risky seven, David? PATIOED.
- PATIOED - P-A-T-I-O-E-D.
It's when someone has been murdered and then buried under a patio.
"That hitchhiker very sadly got PATIOED.
" - And yet it's not in.
- It's not in?! - No.
Is that the most recent dictionary? Jon, your seven? I think I might have spelt this one, it might be two Es, but I got PENDANT.
- PENDANT is very good.
- Seven points for both teams.
APPLAUSE - We got seven each, yeah? - Acaster, Dent, could they have done any better? ANOINTED.
That's eight.
ANOINTED.
Did you get that, James, or did Susie get that? I got that! Right, onto our first numbers round, Jon, David, you get the pick of the numbers.
What do you think we should say? I think because it's Christmas, I'll say one big one and then you say five small ones, but like five gold rings.
Oh, right OK.
We can do that, yeah.
Sorry, just, yeah, let's just pick something at random, we haven't thought about it.
One big one - And then I say it like five gold rings? - Yes.
People won't think I'm a dick? OK, I'll do it, I'm up for it.
One big one and Fivelittleones.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I've done it in the shape of a ring just for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- For Christmas.
- A yule-hole! - A yule-hole! Right, we have 2, 8, 10, 8, 3, and 50.
- KATHY: - See? Fucking useless.
And the target - 785.
OK, and your time starts now.
BAND PLAYING "DECK THE HALLS" SUSTAINED TUNELESS NOTE APPLAUSE Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did.
- OK, David? - No.
- Sean, did you get it? Erm, no, sadly I didn't.
- OK, Kathy? - No, I was enjoying the brass band.
I don't want to suggest, Kathy, that yours is a problem of confidence.
But I worried for you just when the 50 went up and you said, "This is just fucking pointless.
" OK, Jon, how did you do it, how did you get 785? I said 50 x 2 x 8 50 x 2 x 8 = 800.
And then 10 + 8 - 3 = 15.
- Yep.
- And take it away.
- Well done, 785.
- Ten points to Jon! APPLAUSE OK, so, Sean and Kathy have seven, Jon and David have 17.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are "giant log".
The clue is It's nothing to show off about.
That's giant log - it's nothing to show off about.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GIANT LOG.
The clue was, it's nothing to show off about.
It was, of course, GLOATING.
So Jon and David are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Sean.
So, David, your turn to choose.
Oh, right.
Um - Can I just say something? - Yeah.
Since Kathy doesn't enjoy the numbers, shouldn't she do this? That's a much better idea.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Kathy.
What?! LAUGHTER I knew it was going to happen, but I'm trying to make it LAUGHTER Right, yeah.
You mean you wouldn't normally react like that, would you? No, you're right.
Can we go again? Sure, sure.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Kathy.
Ooh! LAUGHTER OK, David's choosing the letters.
- Consonant, please.
- Thank you, David.
R A vowel.
A Consonant.
Vowel.
E Consonant.
L Oh, it's no longer a word.
This is going to get tricky.
LAUGHTER - Sorry! - Another consonant.
D Another vowel.
O And two more consonants, please.
And T, and D.
OK, and your time starts now.
MUSIC: Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ah Tell you what, though - that hamstring.
Er, yeah, no, it's all right, you're getting better.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Should I be on a biscuit tin? OK, how many did you get, David? Er, six.
Kathy, how did you do? - Seven.
- Seven? OK, well, David, let's hear your six.
- DOTTED.
- DOTTED? Excellent, Kathy, your seven? RELATED - Er - No? There's only one E.
What do you mean? LAUGHTER Oh! Sorry.
You were looking - you didn't say there's not two Es.
No, I wasn't playing.
But you were Six points to David.
APPLAUSE Gutted.
Could they have done any better, Acaster, Dent? There's a lot of sevens, we found a lot of sevens.
A lot of sevens? Er, RATTLED, TODDLER .
.
ROTATED.
We had a great time, and in between everyone just saying - how much we like each other.
- Yeah.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Kathy have 7, Jon and David have 23.
Oh! APPLAUSE Right, time now for Sean and Jon to go head-to-head.
Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'll have my usual, please - Your usual.
- .
.
Rachel.
Thank you, Sean - two large, four little, I know by now.
And they are 2, 9, 5, 1, 75, and 50, and the target? 238.
OK, your time starts now.
STEEL DRUMS PLAY "LET IT SNOW" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! OK, the target was 238.
Jon, did you get it? Yes, I hope so, cos I spent half of that dancing.
I'm going to look like a right dickhead if I didn't.
It was pretty good, though.
Sean, did you get it? Yeah.
LAUGHTER Well, Jon, I think you'd better go first.
Yeah, I'll go first, and then Sean can say the same.
Yeah, let's do it like that, shall we? No, no, no.
Cos Sean, a lot of the time I notice when people get it, they put their pen down.
LAUGHTER Yes, 5 x 50 Yeah? .
.
is 250.
Minus - you can take a 9 off that.
- You've got another number, haven't you, Rachel? - Yeah.
You take 2 away, you've got 239.
- We're quite close.
- One away.
I can feel it, what do we do? Do we take the 75 away? LAUGHTER - Or the 1? - Just whatever feels right for you, Sean.
I think we'll go for the 1.
- Ah.
- Ooh Correct decision.
Well done, quite nicely done.
- You did it in the same way? - Did it in the same way.
Could you pass the paper over, like they do on proper Countdown, - cos I think that's a lovely moment.
- Yeah, there you go.
- And then, Sean - I don't understand it.
LAUGHTER OK, so it's ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
James, what have you got for us? Jimmy, Christmas would not be Christmas without a little bit of celebrity gossip.
So fresh off the griddle, first name Handy, second name, Andy.
Make noise, some of the Handy Andy fans in the room.
- Yeah - Yeah! LAUGHTER Don't tell no-one this, this doesn't leave this room.
His real name .
.
is Handrew Andrew.
LAUGHTER This is hot goss, Jimmy.
Well, what else have you got, baby? Dish! OK, we all know the saying, "I scream, you scream, "we all scream for ice cream.
" Little Ken Hom LAUGHTER .
.
he's trying to launch a new saying - "I cakes, you cakes, we all cakes for cupcakes.
" LAUGHTER Fucking doesn't even understand what the first saying works, the moron! Plus LAUGHTER .
.
when he goes into Sainsbury's, he likes to shout out, "I'm in Sainsbury's, in the Menbrainsburys.
" LAUGHTER Ken Hom shouts that.
And that's gossip, is it? Er, yeah, and so's this.
LAUGHTER Nasty Nick From the first Big Brother? Yeah! Also - side goss - real name Nick.
LAUGHTER He started vaping.
But you might not think that's even gossip, get your head around this - he didn't even smoke in the first place.
LAUGHTER One last bit of celebrity gossip for you in this section.
Here's some Christmas goss.
Noddy Holder, right, on that song, Merry Christmas Everybody LAUGHTER .
.
you know when he shouts out, "It's Christmas!" like that? He used to do that on every Slade song.
It was just that this was the first time it was appropriate.
LAUGHTER They had to edit it out all the time.
James Acaster, everyone! APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Sean and Kathy are on 17, and Jon and David are on 33.
Oh! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ELF ROAST.
The clue is, didn't go down well.
That's ELF ROAST, didn't go down well.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ELF ROAST, the clue was - didn't go down well.
It was of course, FLOATERS.
What's going on? Oh It's a card from Joe Wilkinson.
Erm, I'm pretty sure it's from Joe.
"Dear Jimmy, I have a new job now, so you can stick Countdown "up your arse.
"NASA have sent me to a new planet "as part of an intergalactic exchange programme.
"And in return, they have sent an alien in my place, "so he's going to be on the show instead of me.
"If you have a problem with that, tough shit.
" Joe Wilkinson.
Right, so I guess, please welcome the alien we've swapped for Joe Wilkinson.
Hold on, let me turn it round, hold on.
All right? So you're an alien from another planet, are you? Yeah, you got a problem with that? No, no, just you look a lot like Joe Wilkinson.
Yeah, I've heard, I've heard that, um Yeah, I've heard we look pretty similar.
Erm, main difference is, on our planet, we wear berets.
Oh, and, uh, yeah, we've got boobs.
What are you looking at, you prick? Nothing, sorry.
Do you, do you have Countdown on your planet? Uh, yeah, it's not as shite as this, though.
It's actually quite good.
You don't even have a Christmas bonus round, do you? No, we haven't.
Maybe you could show us your Christmas bonus round.
All right, well, it's usually played by the smallest contestant with the most annoying voice.
I think you might be talking about Jon Richardson.
Not me, surely.
Pop yourself up here, sweetheart, come on.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
He's the smallest person with the most annoying voice.
God, he is small, are you sure he's not a child? Give me a hand up this step, would you? Come on.
Oh, there you go.
- Oh! - There you go.
There you go.
They look very real.
They look very real? Have a squeeze.
Eee I mean, I've never touched a real one, so I don't know I don't know if that's normal or not.
So So as I'm sure you're aware, Jon, on my planet, it's a Christmas tradition to shoot Brussels sprouts out your arsehole.
So for the round, I'm going to need my half-brother Fabio to come on.
Come on, Fabs, come on.
Oh, yeah, I should point out If you're thick as pig shit, your boobs grow on your back.
So basically, the round is quite simple.
We're going to shoot Brussels sprouts from here and Jon has to catch as many as he can.
So let's play Catching Brussels sprouts As They Fire Out Of Fabio's Bumhole! OK, Jon.
All you have to do is catch as many Brussels sprouts fired out of Fabio's arse in that hat that you've got on.
OK, and your time starts .
.
now.
In your head.
Get lower, get lower.
Much lower, head forward, head forward.
Head How'd he get on? AUDIENCE GROANS It's not great news.
Jon, Jon, you You get a bonus card there, you get a bonus card.
You can play that any time of the game you feel you want to, you want to play.
But we don't have a bonus cards on this version of Well, that was a complete waste of time, then, wasn't it? Let's play Countdown! Yeah, I mean - Can I touch them? - Yeah, if you like.
They do look really real, don't they? This does feel really weird! - Don't feel weird about it.
- I've never done this! Oh! - That's quite - That's the noise I make.
Do you know? The noise of this is really loud.
It's like grinding, I can't hear anything.
If I could just stop it fucking spinning.
OK, let's go on with the game, everyone.
Sean, Kathy, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please.
- Consonant Are you going to help? - Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
- Do you want to There you go.
- Oh - I'll just pass them.
- And another consonant.
And another one, please.
C And a vowel, please.
That's an A.
And a consonant.
- And a vowel.
- Oh.
Argh! And a consonant.
H JON CHUCKLES And a vowel.
- He can't get it off, his fingers are too little.
- A.
And another vowel.
Small L.
And your time starts .
.
now.
Argh! David, how many? Er, four.
OK, Sean, how many? - Four.
- OK, it's going to be a high scorer.
Kathy, how many? - Five.
- So Jon, how many did you get? Er, seven.
OK, David, what's your four? Er, I got THIS.
What? I got THIS.
- Well, tell us what it is.
- I only got THIS.
THIS is what I got.
- If you could just read out what you got.
- THIS is all that I got.
I only got THIS.
Erm, Sean? GASI How are you spelling gassy? G-A-S-I As in, "Oh, this beer's a bit gassy.
" Not with that spelling.
Kathy, your five.
COATS COATS - Yeah, very good.
- Inarguable, COATS.
Very Christmassy as well.
COATS? Well, a bit Christmassy.
What, "Go and get your COATS"? "I want you to fuck off.
" No! Jon, your seven.
GOATISH - Yeah.
- If something's like a goat.
Yeah, you can be GOATISH.
- Yeah.
- GOATISH.
Brilliant.
Seven points to Jon and David.
Could they have done any better in Dictionary Corner? What do you think? Just another seven, we had GOTCHAS for seven as well.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and David are in the lead with 40 points.
OK, time to go across again to Dictionary Corner.
- James, what have you got for us? - Oh Reaching into my stocking Ah, it's another hot griddle! Some celebrity gossip.
Now, now a lot of you have heard the rumours there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Here's the thing, celebrity goss, there's actually no such thing as Ricky Tomlinson.
Not a real guy.
every time you see him it's just someone else with a fake beard on.
Yank it off if you ever see Ricky Tomlinson.
Well, if you like that, open wide for some more.
Fiona Beynon Brown Who?! She was She was the voice of Why Bird on Playdays.
This is the hot off the griddle celebrity section of the show? HE HISSES Fiona Beynon Brown She's a rebel.
When she has mouthwash, she doesn't measure it out in the cap, she swigs it out the bottle.
And I'll tell you what, before we go into this gossip, I'll tell you this, I hope Mr Motivator isn't watching.
Cos he's about to hear some gossip about himself.
Mr Motivator, this won't surprise you actually, he invented Movember.
He did.
Mo stands for Motivator, it's supposed to be a month of being motivated, but everyone just copied his tash instead of his moves.
And he got angry about it, and then him and his son, little Mo from EastEnders, they Right They started a campaign telling everyone, "No, no, no, "you're getting Movember wrong, no, no, no," and then they renamed it NO-vember in order to, like, you know, get across like, "No, you're doing Movember wrong," and that is why, to this day, we still call it November.
James Acaster, everyone.
Very good.
And here's your final teaser, the words are ELVES ROD, The clue is - get it all straightened out.
That's ELVES ROD - get it all straightened out.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were "elves rod" and the clue was, "get it straightened out".
It was of course "resolved".
OK, time for our final letters game.
John, David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Er, could I have, er, shall we start with a consonant? - Yeah.
- Consonant, please.
- M.
- Shall we have a vowel now? - Yes.
Can we have a vowel, please? Yes.
- Shall we have a consonant now? - No.
OK, a vowel, please.
I just wanted to see if you'd listen to me.
I've never been listened to before.
I respect the chain of command.
- Consonant now? - Yeah.
- Consonant, please.
- S.
Oh, Rachel, I got you a present by the way.
It's a tea tray.
LAUGHTER Lovely! It's just me draped over a Harley-Davidson.
Your boobs look a little bit Have you had a boob job since All right, love, leave it.
I've had a bit of work done, yeah.
You've just taken my Christmas present away? Yeah, your attitude stunk.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
- K.
- Consonant, please.
- F.
- Vowel, please.
- E.
- What shall we have now? No, you finish this yourself.
All right, consonant, please.
- N.
- Vowel, please.
- And O.
- Oh! OK, well, your time starts now.
HOWLING WIND Oh, it's going down my neck.
LAUGHTER That was really unpleasant.
John, how many? Er five.
OK, David, how many? Five.
Sean? I couldn't see.
I'd like to play John's bonus card and have 20 points, please.
- And Kathy? - Five.
All right, let's hear, John, your five? Well, you know like feck has become a thing? Well, in the north we say fook.
I thought I'd have fooks.
It's not in, sorry.
OK, David, your word? Means.
Kathy, what's your word? Monks.
Very Christmassy.
Unless they're Buddhist monks.
Which case, very unChristmassy.
Or chipmunks.
Five points for both teams! James, Susie James, Susie, could they have done any better? We have a really Christmassy word, we have Nosema.
N-O-S-E-M-A, which is a parasite that causes dysentery.
- Good fit.
- Here's a surprise.
We filled that thing with them.
OK, so Sean and Kathy have 22, John and David have 45.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's pointless Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
- I know it.
- RINGS BELL Oh! Yeah, go on.
- Astronaut.
- Yeah.
It is! Very well done.
So, the final scores are Sean and Kathy have 27, but tonight's winners, with 45, John and David! Well done.
Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Christmas turkey.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!