8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s19e03 Episode Script
Richard Ayoade, Katherine Ryan, David O'Doherty
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Jon Richardson.
Sean Lock.
Katherine Ryan.
Richard Ayoade.
David O'Doherty.
Susie Dent.
Rachel Riley.
And your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
If you're a regular viewer of normal Countdown then this won't be for you.
Ring the nurse's bell and ask her to change the channel! OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Jon Richardson! - Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon says his favourite smell is the inside of an empty Tic Tac box and, luckily for him, he can just about fit inside.
And on Jon's team this evening, Katherine Ryan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Katherine recently appeared on Who Do You Think You Are? where she found out her nose, lips and chin date back to 2017.
I discovered that my grandparents are cousins.
LAUGHTER - They were cousins? - They were cousins and not only were they cousins, one cousin was placed in the other cousin's home to live with her parents when she was a baby, and then when she turned 18 they got married.
- So your grandparents were sort of - Like, brother-sister cousins.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I just look at you and think the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE People are well advised not to get on the wrong side of Sean but which side is the wrong side? It's both sides.
Joining Sean tonight, Richard Ayoade! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard Ayoade, he's as socially awkward as that time Jon found out that we all have a secret Countdown WhatsApp group where we slag him off.
- The last person I WhatsApp'd was my mother.
- Aw.
My mother is watching tonight, Jimmy, if you wanna dial down some of the vaginal references.
- Does she take offence? - Well, I mean, I believe she has one.
- I used to live there.
- You'd know better than anyone.
You used to live there? - Well - You were out too far.
- It was the front gate.
You needed to get back a little bit.
Cos that's an uncomfortable pregnancy - nine months right in the vagina.
That's a Channel 5 documentary.
Do you look alike, Jon? SEAN: Uncannily.
- No, I don't think so.
- I've met her.
She looks just like you.
- You have met her, in the theatre.
- Yeah, yeah, we had a great time.
So cute.
- At the theatre? - She approached me.
She asked me if I could do a favour for her - have a chat with her son about the birds and the bees.
I'm made of questions right now.
You were at the theatre No, I was walking past the theatre and I thought to myself, "They'll have a toilet.
" And then I went into the theatre - and, I mean - My mum said, "Off for a shit?" And then I thought, "Oh, there's some shows on at the theatre.
" - And I was sort of hanging about.
Dunno why.
- More than just toilets.
And then she came up to me.
She said, "Hello, I'm Jon's mum.
"What should I do about him?" JIMMY LAUGHS - Richard, what have you been up to since we last saw you? - Thank you.
Ihave been writing a book and it's called Ayoade On Top.
It's about the Gwyneth Paltrow film View From The Top.
- It's, erm, the first full-length study of that film.
- Wow! - I know.
- No-one's done it before.
- Sorry, have you genuinely written a book about a Gwyneth Paltrow film? It is a cabin crew dramedy in which Gwyneth Paltrow plays a blue-collar person who dreams of being a stewardess.
And we follow her highs and lows.
Richard, is there a necessity to have seen the film before you read your analysis of the film in a book? There is no need to have seen this film.
I recommend that you buy it and then make up your mind - whether you want to read it.
- OK.
LAUGHTER Once it's in your home, purchased, then decide, "Is it for me?" "It's not for me.
" I don't care.
Richard, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot.
Now, many celebrities - let's use the term - have signature scents now.
- Right.
- Aftershaves, perfumes.
But I've decided the time has come - for me to have my own scent.
- Wow.
- And here it is.
- I'm very excited about it.
- Wow! - Ambivalence.
Yeah.
But here it is.
Ambivalence? - Does it smell of anything? - It does smell a bit of something.
- You got a little dimple.
I never noticed that before.
- I'm right here.
- But you're facing that way.
- This is a record of this face.
- You're always facing that way.
- I'm not always facing that way.
It doesn't take away from the fact I didn't notice that before.
OK, well, if you weren't so scared of intimacy you might have noticed before.
Cos I'm always resisting your intimate overtures.
Do you like the smell? Is it good? - We don't hate it.
- I've had a quick whiff.
- Thank you.
I don't use these any more.
I had asthma in London and I stopped using these and deodorants.
- I just wanna slide it to you - You had asthma in London? - When I lived in London.
- It's not the 1930s, Jon.
- "I had asthma when I lived in London.
" - I moved to West Yorkshire and I haven't used my inhaler since.
And apparently Did it cure your rickets as well? - There is a little - Do you want me to slide it? - I believe in you.
- I want to feel like a man.
Ooh! APPLAUSE - Eh.
- Thank you.
You could have called it Meh.
I mean, that's generally the thing that people say to me most.
- You're really drinking this dimple now, aren't you? - Yeah.
Looking to see if there's anything else I missed.
Yeah, now you know the good stuff's right here, - you can't even turn round.
- Yeah.
- Jon, have you got a mascot? I know there are some people who think I take this show a little bit too seriously.
And that set me thinking, maybe I do take life a bit too seriously.
So I'm going to channel, for my money, the coolest character of all time in any I know, Richard, you're a film buff.
- Thank you.
- The coolest film character of all time.
Donna Jensen in View From The Top, played by Gwyneth Paltrow.
By coincidence, I had the same answer and I didn't know what you were gonna say earlier.
It's Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski playing The Dude.
- Right.
- And that was my nickname for a while.
He wears a cardigan a bit like this in the film so I've got myself a cardigan.
So to be cooler you've gonedouble cardigan? He drinks white Russians.
So I've got myself a little white Russian here.
I didn't wanna drink on the show and I'm vegan, so this is actually just coconut cream with some fair trade coffee in the bottom.
We all know the big thing that character does - he loves the old reefer, doesn't he? Loves a doob.
So what I've done is, I've actually, tonight, live on TV, I'm gonna double dropermherbal tea.
I don't smoke weed.
If that's what you do with it.
These have actually got the full RDA of valerian root in.
And I've got two in there! I think that I come across most as a prick, having watched some of the shows back, is the bit at the end when I say what I've got.
So I'm going to say it tonight in what I think is the least threatening and most likeable accent in the UK, which is - the Georgie accent.
- Yeah.
- The work of Ant and Dec, their entire career is based around that accent.
And they've got a voice that says, "I'm watching you eat a bollock "but it's all right, we're all having a good time.
" So at the end of a round, I shall be giving my answer in a Geordie accent.
So, cheers to that.
Jon Richardson, The Dude, everyone.
APPLAUSE - Sean, have you got a mascot? - So, Jimmy, recently I was approached.
There's been a problem - far too many people are being called national treasures.
So I've been asked by the media to become, like, the head of the national treasures committee to decide who's in and who's out.
- I see you put the "no" box on my side.
- Yes.
I'm gonna go through them one by one and see whether they make it in.
- This is fun.
- We start off with this fella.
- Surely in, Ed Sheeran.
- No.
- National treasure, surely.
- No.
The reason he's not in is he dyes his hair.
He's actually got black hair.
No, I've seen the run-off from his bath.
It's unbelievable.
So There we go.
No.
Next up is this cheeky chappy.
A lot of people say to me, "Sean, what's a sensible amount to drink?" LAUGHTER Now, I always say, imagine you're Ant McPartlin and you'll be driving your mum home after lunch.
Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
But don't go mental.
It's your mum.
She brought you up.
Don't have any tequilas.
So that when you do crash, you're not driving so fast.
And nobody gets killed.
JIMMY LAUGHS - There we go.
- He's in.
- Yeah, he's in.
He makes it in cos he could have killed someone but he didn't cos he didn't get too pissed.
Quite right.
Good on him.
Good on him.
He's all right.
Here's this fella.
A lot of people think he should be in.
Some people do make it in, Jimmy, but no this fella because he's too mild, he's like a curry for toddlers.
Now, this guy, Gregg Wallace.
Gregg came close cos I like him cos he wears a hair net.
Even though he's bald.
He goes to a crisp factoryputs on a hair net.
Is he worried some baldness will get in the crisps? No, I like him cos he's got no sense of irony or humour.
He was very close to getting through butI've met him.
No, Gregg.
He tried to put his spoon in my pudding.
You think she'd be a shoo-in, wouldn't you? - She's the very definition.
- No.
- Why? Why on Earth? Pay some tax, love.
Next year you got a chance.
- Katherine, have you got a mascot? - Yes, my mascot is my ex-boyfriend.
- Your ex-boyfriend.
Is he here? - They're all here, Jimmy.
May I present to you my favourite one - Bobby.
So, I brought a picture of Bobby and me when we were little.
- Cute, right? - This is genuinely you two aged? - We were 15 or 16 in that photo? - Yeah.
So this is classic Countdown, - you've brought in a trophy you won at high school.
- Yeah.
Well, we were split up for 20 years, then we got back together and everybody thinks it's a cute story, it gives them a lot of hope, and we thought we'd read our break-up letter.
- Let's hear the break-up letter.
- OK.
- Monday Am I hurting you? - No, you're good.
- OK.
- I'm slightly uncomfortable.
LAUGHTER Look how cute we were, Jon.
This feels like every house party I was at OK, Monday June 19th 2000.
OK.
"Bobby, I'm gonna get right to the point "(about prom).
I know you saw me with the security guard, sad face.
"Alana said you stormed off into the woods and kicked Vince's tent.
"I'm sorry that you were hurt but put yourself in my shoes, please, "and imagine how deeply I was hurting after being dumped "by the love of my life at prom.
"Why? I've been a good girlfriend to you and you know I'm getting "my braces off in August.
" LAUGHTER "Maybe sooner if they have a cancellation.
"So what the fuck? "Love Kath.
" - And then I passed it to him and he wrote back.
- OK.
"Kat, really? The prom party bouncer? He's 31 years old "and 285lbs.
"But now I realise for sure that we aren't supposed to be together.
"It's funny you mention the future - we're 17! "I want my guitar back.
Have fun with the bouncer.
" LAUGHTER Why are you clapping him? I mean, cos he's in the right? You made out with a school security guard? So I wrote back.
"Bobby, I was so wounded.
My world was ending.
I thought we were "definitely finished otherwise I wouldn't have done what I did.
"We can move forward even stronger but please think carefully "cos this opportunity will not be on the table for long.
"I love you.
I will give you your guitar whatever happens.
" I responded.
"I don't know why I wanted to break up with you.
"I just felt it was right.
There was no specific reason at all.
"But I'm a man of my word and I have to stick with my feelings.
" - What? - "I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted" "I don't know why I broke up with you but I said I will, so I will.
" And then I wrote, "Can we still have sex at parties?" And I said, "No.
" - And that's the letter.
- Katherine and Bobby.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for coming on.
A genuinely true story.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner it's David O'Doherty! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, he's a bit like Marmite.
I don't like him.
Do you ever get nervous before the show? No, I just approach it with, I'd say, the misplaced confidence of a waiter with no pad.
That's my vibe.
Is there a more terrifying sight in restauranting, especially when there's four of you AND you're having starters, and he doesn't even go straight over to the machine to input it, he just, like, keeps making small You're never gonna remember this, you psychopath.
- I've got a chilled-out vibe.
- OK, and with David O'Doherty, of course, Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent says her least favourite phrase is "Get a room!" Cos she prefers doing it outside.
Susie, have you been researching any new words recently? Ermno, not new ones.
Old ones that sound really filthy - but they're not.
- Oh, go on.
- Like cockapert.
- Cockapert? You are actually a cockapert.
- He is, you're right.
That was a lucky guess but, yeah.
It means a dandy or a dandified fellow.
- A dandified fellow? - Yeah, that's you.
- I'll take that all day.
- Cockapert.
- You're a cockapert.
OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley! CHEERING - You recently got married.
- I did.
Congratulations, and tell us all about the wedding.
Well, we've been together, like, five years.
We were going to Vegas anyway so we thought we might as well get married while we were there.
But we only decided the week before so at the airport my mum said, "Have a lovely trip.
If you get married in Vegas without us "I'll come back and haunt you.
" So that was a good start! Did he do the whole getting-down-on-one-knee thing? No, we were just kind of, erm, by the bins in Salford, along Market Street, and we were like, "Shall we get married?" "Yeah, why not?" It was really romantic.
OK, the prize teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown ironing board! CHEERING Fucking useless.
In fairness, he doesn't own clothes.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon, Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
I might take one of these cardigans off, if nobody minds.
There's a sweat issue.
Please.
- Consonant.
- Thank you, Katherine.
D Three more consonants, please.
N R B And a vowel.
I And another vowel.
A - Another consonant and then a vowel? - Another consonant, another vowel.
S O Dealer's choice.
Dealer's choice.
AndU OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ALL SHOU The Greeks! Do you wanna smash a plate, Jon? Strikes me as the kind of thing you'd be good at.
I'm more of a tidying up guy.
Got a broom? Smash a plate? - On the head? - Well, wherever you want.
- You can smash it on your head, sure.
- Can I? - Yeah.
- Can I? - Yeah, I don't care.
I'm scared now.
I'm gonna fucking do it HE YELLS - Fun.
- You can really hear it hitting the bald spot, can't you? Excuse me, hang on.
- This could be good.
- OK.
- I'll volley it.
- You're gonna volley it? - Yeah, with my head.
This is gonna end in tears.
CHEERING Come on! I'm fine.
Don't try that at home, obviously, becauseplates.
I've got some Greek meze for everyone.
- I thought maybe chips and dips, that sort of thing.
- Yes.
Just because we're sort of having a games' night, aren't we? - You've really splashed out on the olives.
- Mm! - How many letters? GEORDIE ACCENT: Oh, mate, I couldn't believe it, man! I looked down and there's a bloody six! - Katherine, how many? - Eight.
- Eight? - Yeah.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
- Mr Ayoade? - Also six.
Oh, my God, I'm the smartest person here.
- Richard, what's your six? - DRAINS.
- Seems strangely appropriate.
- Thank you.
That is what I do to energy.
DRAINS.
Mine's strangely appropriate as well.
BRAINS.
Jon, your six? GEORDIE ACCENT: RADIOS.
Katherine, your eight-letter word, for the win? - UNBRAIDS.
- UNBRAIDS.
Susie's saying it's an eight-letter word.
Katherine Ryan - David, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
- Whoo! - Dinosaur is the sweetest eight.
- Oh! - You're really tucking into the meze.
- Yeah.
You wanna be careful what you eat cos I've had gastritis for four days because I kissed my dog on the mouth and he definitely was eating fox poo.
- Your little dog.
- Yes.
- You kiss it fully on the mouth.
I kiss him right on the mouth.
Can't help it.
- Right.
- And then I did it the other day and I was like, "Whoa.
" It was foxy.
I knew there was a problem and then I just, you know, went about my business but I have been violently ill until pretty much noon today.
And that's four days.
LAUGHTER AND SOME APPLAUSE - Why would you kiss a dog? - I kiss him everyday.
Fuck is the matter with you? If you saw him Do you kiss your dogs? - No.
- Really? - Might as well rim it! I mean, really Once you've started kissing it you're only a hop, skip and a jump - and you're up the other end.
- At the end of that, Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 8 points.
DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sean, Richard, your pick of the numbers.
- I'll have the usual, please.
- The Sean Special.
- Two large and four little.
- Yep.
- And they are 5, 8, 2, 10, 75 and 100.
And the target - 843.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
The target was 843.
Jon, did you get it? GEORDIE ACCENT: Did I fuck.
I got 842.
- Katherine, did you get it? - No.
854.
- Sean, did you get it? - No.
Nowhere near.
- OK.
Richard? - 845.
OK, well, you were the closest, Jon.
- GEORDIE ACCENT: 100 + 5.
- 105.
And then I times that by the 8.
I just put the 2 on the 840 and that's I don't wanna blind you with difficult maths but if you put a 2 on 840 it's 84-fuckin'-2, mate.
OK, 7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE NORMAL ACCENT: I would like to apologise to the people of Newcastle.
I'd like to apologise live at Newcastle's Tyne Theatre on December the 12th LAUGHTER Rachel, could this be done? If you say 10 / 5 = 2.
2 X 2 = 4.
100 - 4 = 96.
96 X 8 = 768 + 75.
Here is your teaser.
The words are DRAGNADS.
The clue is "Mine are all wrinkled.
" That's DRAGNADS.
"Mine are all wrinkled.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were DRAG NADS.
The clue was "mine are all wrinkled".
It was, of course, GRANDADS.
So, Jon and Katherine are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Katherine.
So, Katherine, your turn to choose.
OK.
- Rachel, could I have three consonants - Yes.
.
.
and two vowels, please? And then a consonant.
And a vowel.
And then a What do you think? Everyone in this room wants a U.
A consonant and a vowel, please.
Your time starts now.
MACHINE BEEPS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS Audience: Aww! Hairy Jon! Come here.
Come here, you little rascal.
Audience: Aww! RICHARD: Don't kiss it, Jimmy! Hello.
KATHERINE SQUEALS What do you think, Jon? We've made little versions of you.
Yeah.
I'm going to give that to Sexy.
There you go, Sexy.
Give the little Jon to Jon.
Do you want to come to me, little sausage? - Hello, sausage.
- Give it a little kiss, Jon.
- Aw I think, of all of the Jons, this one has eaten the least fox shit.
Do you know the Face App thing? I put myself as an older me .
.
and that is bang on.
- It really is.
- So good to see you again.
This is getting freaky now.
So Jon's clones, everyone.
Thanks, everyone.
APPLAUSE OK.
Katherine, how many? - Six.
- Six.
Sean, how many? - Six.
- OK.
Katherine, what is your six? Well, my six is INTAKE.
And, Sean, your word? RECANT.
KATHERINE: Ooh! Well, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH David O'Doherty, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Yes.
- CARINATE for eight.
- Mmm-hmm.
And that is tomake something look like a carrot? No.
It describes a bird that's got a kind of ridge on its breastbone for the flight muscles to be attached.
It's hard to make words when you don't know what they are - .
.
already.
- Yes.
But it does look like it should be a word - CARINATE.
RICHARD: It looks like a car's pissing.
OK.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Richard have six, Jon and Katherine have 21.
APPLAUSE Now time for Jon and Richard to go head-to-head.
Richard, your turn to pick the numbers.
A Sean.
Could I have a Sean, please? Two big ones, four little ones.
Coming up, Richard.
If you come back a few more times, you can have your own special.
Thank you very much.
I don't think I'll get booked again.
You have .
.
and this time the target OK.
And your time starts now.
OK.
So, the target was 676.
Did you get it, Richard? - Yes.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did.
- Richard, how did you do it? First thing is to times 75 by 9.
- 675.
- Yes.
Then subtract from the eight, the five and the two - For one.
- .
.
leaving one.
KATHERINE: Ooh - You're bang on.
- Jon, did you do it the same way? I did it exactly the same way.
10 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? I think it was I think it was Keating that said "life is a roller-coaster, "you just have to ride it.
" And I don't think Keating has ever been to a theme park, cos it's mostly queueing, to be honest, Keating.
But we all have our ups and downs, Susie.
This is a song about one of my downs.
# I did a gig in Milton Keynes # And after the show went for a sit-down wee-wee # And there was no loo paper # But what's that? A thing of wet wipes # And I've never used wet wipes before # Cos I know they're bad for the environment # But this is an emergency # Wha I use my Whaaa # I use my second ever wet wipe # Whaaa 'Allo! 'Allo vera! My third wet wi Yow! Ah-ha-ha! Wha-ha-ha! Aargh! Argh I look down.
# They're Domestos toilet-cleaning bleach wipes # They're like the industrial ones They have backstage in rat-infested theatres.
And now I'm in more pain than I've ever been in before.
All we have is a sink and a push-down tap, so I climb up over the sink and try to splash And now we'd better dry the region It's the only time in my life ever I've been, # "I hope there isn't a Dyson Airblade" # There's a Dyson Airblade # Have you ever tried to dry your arsehole in a Dyson Airblade? # You have to physically enter the Dyson Air You have to scissor the Dyson Airblade.
OK.
I'll carry out a visual inspection.
Now, the problem with a visual inspection in this area is # I don't know what it usually looks like # It's the one part of my body I don't think I've ever seen # Like someone holding up a picture of Paraguay and being like, # "Does Paraguay look normal?" I don't know what Paraguay usually looks like.
So I try to do it just in a mirror, but I'm insufficiently yogic to get around that far.
So I end up getting out my own phone and just try And as I'm taking the photo, all I'm thinking is, "Do you remember last year loads of iClouds were hacked? "What if today is the day? "Cos this is the weir" # I've peroxided my own arsehole bright white It looks like a volcano that's been covered in snow.
So now I have to go to the hospital.
And luckily it's just round the corner.
And I go in, and I explain what's happened to the doctor, and she looks up as I enter the room, and she starts to laugh.
Nightmare of nightmares! # "I was at your gig last night.
" "No!" So she's like, "Well, I'd better take a look.
" "Yeah, you'd better take a look, to be honest.
" And I get in position, and there's the awful 10 seconds when I hear the thwack of gloves going on.
And then she opens the dreadful doors and looks inside And she starts to laugh again.
And I'm like, "Am I going to die?" And she says You've basically just deep-cleaned it.
You know the line that stays with me? She said You could eat your dinner off that.
Why did she say that?! That's never occurred to Oh, yeah - maybe I'll get a Tinder date tonight! "Do you want to eat in an out-of-the-way place in my pants?" # And I survived, and I'm here to tell the tale But there are dangers to stand-up comedy.
APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
To come at this from a different angle No, please don't do that.
I mean, it's actually medically fine.
She said you could eat your dinner off there, - which I don't think you'd be happy with, Jon, if I'm absolutely honest.
- No.
Definitely not soup.
RICHARD: Maybe - Maybe a boiled egg.
- Oh, no OK.
Sean and Richard have 16.
Jon and Katherine are on 31.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GLUM NIPS.
The clue is "they're hanging low".
That's GLUM NIPS - "they're hanging low".
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GLUM LIPS.
The clue was "They are hanging low".
It was, of course, SLUMPING.
Before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
I have a selection of items, all of which are spelt with seven letters.
All they have to do is give them a feel and tell me what they are.
Whoever guesses the most objects correctly gets the bonus points.
Sean and Jon, you're playing for your teams.
Please come and join me at the Feeling Station.
- Please.
- I'm looking forward to this.
I haven't felt anything for years.
LAUGHTER Oh, the glasses are off.
Before you even start, I'm very aware that bumhole is a seven-letter word and if you even fucking think about it That is it.
I'm just going to guess "bumhole" before every one.
Tell you what, Jimmy, if you put in front of me, I'll lick it.
- So it had better not be a bumhole.
- OK, your time starts now.
Bring on our first seven-letter word.
OK, so just reach into where I was standing and have a feel.
Reach in, there you go.
Get in there.
- Oh, muscle.
- It's a big, muscly man.
- You can use both hands, Sean.
- Spandex? - Spandex, yes, that's the right answer.
- Yeah! You've got to be gentle with the next one.
I'd like you to reach down.
- Hamster.
- Punch down? No! - Kittens? - Down, Jon, down.
Dog.
That's a three-letter word.
A dachshund.
You think it might be a dachshund? Have a feel.
Do you think it's a dachshund? JON GIGGLES Terrier? It's a fucking dog.
How you would want to kiss this, I don't know.
- Labrador.
Bulldog.
- Yeah! There you go, bulldog, we'll get rid of him.
OK, you've got to stick your tongues out a bit for this.
- You are shitting me.
- No, you'll be OK.
Just stick your tongue out a little bit.
There you go.
Sherbet.
Sherbet! I said sherbet! Popping candy.
Popping candy is exactly right, popping.
Next one.
OK.
What?! - Cymbals.
- Cymbals, there you go.
There's something in a bowl here.
You've got to put your hands into the middle.
Yeah.
Ugh! For fuck's sake.
- Custard? - Yes, custard! - Yeah! OK, your time's up.
OK, the points go to Sean! No! Good, I think.
- Very good touching and feeling, well done.
- Well played.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I feel like Katherine after prom.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn.
- Choose the letters.
- Consonant, please.
- Thanks, Jon.
- P.
- Vowel, please.
- O.
- Consonant.
- T.
- Consonant, please.
- W.
- A vowel, please.
- I.
- And another consonant, please.
- R.
- And another consonant, please.
- S.
- A vowel, please.
- E.
- And a consonant, please.
- And an F.
OK, and your time starts now.
- OK, Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Katherine? - Six.
- Sean? - Seven.
- Richard? - Six.
- What is your six? - TOWERS.
- Katherine, your six? - SWIPER.
- SWIPER? - Mmm.
- Sean? - RIPOSTE.
- Oh, yeah.
Shut the fridge, Sean.
- Jon, your seven? - FORTIES.
FORTIES.
Seven points to both teams.
David, could they have done any better? Sevens is as good as this gets.
- PROFITS, ROPIEST, but RIPOSTE, there we go, banging.
- OK.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
David, what have you got for us? Well, I thought some people might like to dance, so let's throw on some fab beats and see where it takes us.
I love doing Countdown.
I love hanging out backstage.
A lot of celebrities are backstage tonight.
Cher, the singer, is back there.
You know, she's married to Ross Noble, the comedian, and that's why she just uses her first name.
LAUGHTER It would be too bleak otherwise.
Here we go.
So my washing machine was broken and I was going off on tour next day so I'm in the laundry place at midnight, when I get a call from my friend Ray.
He says, "Everyone's out and you're going away, "so you have to come too".
I say, "Ray, I'm doing my laundry".
He said, "There's only one thing to do.
"You bring your laundry to the club.
Take it out of the machine.
"Bring your laundry to the club.
It's probably clean".
And now I'm in the club, and it's really going off.
There are people to talk to, there are drinks to quaff but in the back of my mind are my wet clothes and now my flight departure is getting close.
You see, it's warm in the club, and there's a few spare chairs.
So I take out a shirt and just hang it over there.
I did my laundry in the club.
T-shirts on a booth.
I did my laundry in the club, because I like to party and my laundry does too.
Hey, DJ, keep playing those slow jams.
Let's raise the temperature up a little more, let's raise the temperature up a little more, I've got undies on the speaker and trousers on the door.
But it makes me think of so many other things that I hate to do but could be fun if I did them while I was partying.
Renew your car insurance at the club! Online shopping at the club! Colonoscopy at the club! You may not meet the special one, but you'll get shit done.
Thank you.
It's a hit.
David O'Doherty, everyone! And here's your final teaser.
The words are SNIFF TUG.
The clue is "smells like onions".
That's SNIFF TUG, "smells like onions".
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SNIFF TUG, the clue was - smells like onions.
It was, of course, STUFFING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Richard, your turn to choose.
Richard, you have fun.
Enjoy yourself.
Relax.
- Have you met me? - Yeah.
Four vowels.
U A A E O Two consonants.
R L Another vowel.
I - Too many vowels.
- I know it's too many vowels.
I'm having fun, Sean, for the first time in my life.
Um And another consonant, please.
G And Have fun, enjoy yourself, you know? - Another consonant.
- Another consonant.
Consonant.
Yeah, why not? OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
MUSIC: Baa, Baa, Black Sheep APPLAUSE I What? Susie, I was I was reading that, and I drifted off.
Richard, how many? - Five.
- Five.
Sean, how many? - Er, six.
- Six, OK.
Jon? Aye, six.
Aye, six.
Katherine? I only have five.
What is your wife, Katherine? GALED.
GALED.
Richard, your five? - LODGE.
- LODGE.
- LODGE.
- LODGE.
There is an R there.
It could be a lodger.
I hadn't even written down an R.
I've got to sharpen up.
I've really got to sharpen up here.
Sean, your six? - DERAIL.
- DERAIL.
Jon, your six? - UGLIER.
- Ooh! Six points to both teams.
Right, OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? Huge news from DC! Susie Dent, nine.
- Yes.
- Wow! - Nine?! Anyone mocking my vowel selection, prepare to eat this slice of humble pie.
- Yeah, thanks, Richard.
- Thank you.
DIALOGUE is there for eight, and you can put the R on, at the end.
- Yes! - DIALOGUER.
Susie Dent, everyone.
DIALOGUER.
APPLAUSE So, Sean and Richard have 34, Jon and Katherine have 44.
Whoo, whoo, whoo! That means That means it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Sean, Richard, you need this to save face.
Your time starts now.
BELL Richard.
ONGRITAPE.
BELL - OPERATING.
- Fuck! - OPERATING.
- OPERATING.
- OPERATING.
Final answer, Jimmy, OPERATING.
Thank you, Sean.
Let's have a look.
So, the final scores are, Sean and Richard have 44, Jon and Katherine have 44.
It's a draw.
APPLAUSE Congratulations, everyone is now the proud owner of this, the Countdown ironing board! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
Sean Lock.
Katherine Ryan.
Richard Ayoade.
David O'Doherty.
Susie Dent.
Rachel Riley.
And your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
If you're a regular viewer of normal Countdown then this won't be for you.
Ring the nurse's bell and ask her to change the channel! OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Jon Richardson! - Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon says his favourite smell is the inside of an empty Tic Tac box and, luckily for him, he can just about fit inside.
And on Jon's team this evening, Katherine Ryan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Katherine recently appeared on Who Do You Think You Are? where she found out her nose, lips and chin date back to 2017.
I discovered that my grandparents are cousins.
LAUGHTER - They were cousins? - They were cousins and not only were they cousins, one cousin was placed in the other cousin's home to live with her parents when she was a baby, and then when she turned 18 they got married.
- So your grandparents were sort of - Like, brother-sister cousins.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I just look at you and think the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE People are well advised not to get on the wrong side of Sean but which side is the wrong side? It's both sides.
Joining Sean tonight, Richard Ayoade! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard Ayoade, he's as socially awkward as that time Jon found out that we all have a secret Countdown WhatsApp group where we slag him off.
- The last person I WhatsApp'd was my mother.
- Aw.
My mother is watching tonight, Jimmy, if you wanna dial down some of the vaginal references.
- Does she take offence? - Well, I mean, I believe she has one.
- I used to live there.
- You'd know better than anyone.
You used to live there? - Well - You were out too far.
- It was the front gate.
You needed to get back a little bit.
Cos that's an uncomfortable pregnancy - nine months right in the vagina.
That's a Channel 5 documentary.
Do you look alike, Jon? SEAN: Uncannily.
- No, I don't think so.
- I've met her.
She looks just like you.
- You have met her, in the theatre.
- Yeah, yeah, we had a great time.
So cute.
- At the theatre? - She approached me.
She asked me if I could do a favour for her - have a chat with her son about the birds and the bees.
I'm made of questions right now.
You were at the theatre No, I was walking past the theatre and I thought to myself, "They'll have a toilet.
" And then I went into the theatre - and, I mean - My mum said, "Off for a shit?" And then I thought, "Oh, there's some shows on at the theatre.
" - And I was sort of hanging about.
Dunno why.
- More than just toilets.
And then she came up to me.
She said, "Hello, I'm Jon's mum.
"What should I do about him?" JIMMY LAUGHS - Richard, what have you been up to since we last saw you? - Thank you.
Ihave been writing a book and it's called Ayoade On Top.
It's about the Gwyneth Paltrow film View From The Top.
- It's, erm, the first full-length study of that film.
- Wow! - I know.
- No-one's done it before.
- Sorry, have you genuinely written a book about a Gwyneth Paltrow film? It is a cabin crew dramedy in which Gwyneth Paltrow plays a blue-collar person who dreams of being a stewardess.
And we follow her highs and lows.
Richard, is there a necessity to have seen the film before you read your analysis of the film in a book? There is no need to have seen this film.
I recommend that you buy it and then make up your mind - whether you want to read it.
- OK.
LAUGHTER Once it's in your home, purchased, then decide, "Is it for me?" "It's not for me.
" I don't care.
Richard, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot.
Now, many celebrities - let's use the term - have signature scents now.
- Right.
- Aftershaves, perfumes.
But I've decided the time has come - for me to have my own scent.
- Wow.
- And here it is.
- I'm very excited about it.
- Wow! - Ambivalence.
Yeah.
But here it is.
Ambivalence? - Does it smell of anything? - It does smell a bit of something.
- You got a little dimple.
I never noticed that before.
- I'm right here.
- But you're facing that way.
- This is a record of this face.
- You're always facing that way.
- I'm not always facing that way.
It doesn't take away from the fact I didn't notice that before.
OK, well, if you weren't so scared of intimacy you might have noticed before.
Cos I'm always resisting your intimate overtures.
Do you like the smell? Is it good? - We don't hate it.
- I've had a quick whiff.
- Thank you.
I don't use these any more.
I had asthma in London and I stopped using these and deodorants.
- I just wanna slide it to you - You had asthma in London? - When I lived in London.
- It's not the 1930s, Jon.
- "I had asthma when I lived in London.
" - I moved to West Yorkshire and I haven't used my inhaler since.
And apparently Did it cure your rickets as well? - There is a little - Do you want me to slide it? - I believe in you.
- I want to feel like a man.
Ooh! APPLAUSE - Eh.
- Thank you.
You could have called it Meh.
I mean, that's generally the thing that people say to me most.
- You're really drinking this dimple now, aren't you? - Yeah.
Looking to see if there's anything else I missed.
Yeah, now you know the good stuff's right here, - you can't even turn round.
- Yeah.
- Jon, have you got a mascot? I know there are some people who think I take this show a little bit too seriously.
And that set me thinking, maybe I do take life a bit too seriously.
So I'm going to channel, for my money, the coolest character of all time in any I know, Richard, you're a film buff.
- Thank you.
- The coolest film character of all time.
Donna Jensen in View From The Top, played by Gwyneth Paltrow.
By coincidence, I had the same answer and I didn't know what you were gonna say earlier.
It's Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski playing The Dude.
- Right.
- And that was my nickname for a while.
He wears a cardigan a bit like this in the film so I've got myself a cardigan.
So to be cooler you've gonedouble cardigan? He drinks white Russians.
So I've got myself a little white Russian here.
I didn't wanna drink on the show and I'm vegan, so this is actually just coconut cream with some fair trade coffee in the bottom.
We all know the big thing that character does - he loves the old reefer, doesn't he? Loves a doob.
So what I've done is, I've actually, tonight, live on TV, I'm gonna double dropermherbal tea.
I don't smoke weed.
If that's what you do with it.
These have actually got the full RDA of valerian root in.
And I've got two in there! I think that I come across most as a prick, having watched some of the shows back, is the bit at the end when I say what I've got.
So I'm going to say it tonight in what I think is the least threatening and most likeable accent in the UK, which is - the Georgie accent.
- Yeah.
- The work of Ant and Dec, their entire career is based around that accent.
And they've got a voice that says, "I'm watching you eat a bollock "but it's all right, we're all having a good time.
" So at the end of a round, I shall be giving my answer in a Geordie accent.
So, cheers to that.
Jon Richardson, The Dude, everyone.
APPLAUSE - Sean, have you got a mascot? - So, Jimmy, recently I was approached.
There's been a problem - far too many people are being called national treasures.
So I've been asked by the media to become, like, the head of the national treasures committee to decide who's in and who's out.
- I see you put the "no" box on my side.
- Yes.
I'm gonna go through them one by one and see whether they make it in.
- This is fun.
- We start off with this fella.
- Surely in, Ed Sheeran.
- No.
- National treasure, surely.
- No.
The reason he's not in is he dyes his hair.
He's actually got black hair.
No, I've seen the run-off from his bath.
It's unbelievable.
So There we go.
No.
Next up is this cheeky chappy.
A lot of people say to me, "Sean, what's a sensible amount to drink?" LAUGHTER Now, I always say, imagine you're Ant McPartlin and you'll be driving your mum home after lunch.
Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
But don't go mental.
It's your mum.
She brought you up.
Don't have any tequilas.
So that when you do crash, you're not driving so fast.
And nobody gets killed.
JIMMY LAUGHS - There we go.
- He's in.
- Yeah, he's in.
He makes it in cos he could have killed someone but he didn't cos he didn't get too pissed.
Quite right.
Good on him.
Good on him.
He's all right.
Here's this fella.
A lot of people think he should be in.
Some people do make it in, Jimmy, but no this fella because he's too mild, he's like a curry for toddlers.
Now, this guy, Gregg Wallace.
Gregg came close cos I like him cos he wears a hair net.
Even though he's bald.
He goes to a crisp factoryputs on a hair net.
Is he worried some baldness will get in the crisps? No, I like him cos he's got no sense of irony or humour.
He was very close to getting through butI've met him.
No, Gregg.
He tried to put his spoon in my pudding.
You think she'd be a shoo-in, wouldn't you? - She's the very definition.
- No.
- Why? Why on Earth? Pay some tax, love.
Next year you got a chance.
- Katherine, have you got a mascot? - Yes, my mascot is my ex-boyfriend.
- Your ex-boyfriend.
Is he here? - They're all here, Jimmy.
May I present to you my favourite one - Bobby.
So, I brought a picture of Bobby and me when we were little.
- Cute, right? - This is genuinely you two aged? - We were 15 or 16 in that photo? - Yeah.
So this is classic Countdown, - you've brought in a trophy you won at high school.
- Yeah.
Well, we were split up for 20 years, then we got back together and everybody thinks it's a cute story, it gives them a lot of hope, and we thought we'd read our break-up letter.
- Let's hear the break-up letter.
- OK.
- Monday Am I hurting you? - No, you're good.
- OK.
- I'm slightly uncomfortable.
LAUGHTER Look how cute we were, Jon.
This feels like every house party I was at OK, Monday June 19th 2000.
OK.
"Bobby, I'm gonna get right to the point "(about prom).
I know you saw me with the security guard, sad face.
"Alana said you stormed off into the woods and kicked Vince's tent.
"I'm sorry that you were hurt but put yourself in my shoes, please, "and imagine how deeply I was hurting after being dumped "by the love of my life at prom.
"Why? I've been a good girlfriend to you and you know I'm getting "my braces off in August.
" LAUGHTER "Maybe sooner if they have a cancellation.
"So what the fuck? "Love Kath.
" - And then I passed it to him and he wrote back.
- OK.
"Kat, really? The prom party bouncer? He's 31 years old "and 285lbs.
"But now I realise for sure that we aren't supposed to be together.
"It's funny you mention the future - we're 17! "I want my guitar back.
Have fun with the bouncer.
" LAUGHTER Why are you clapping him? I mean, cos he's in the right? You made out with a school security guard? So I wrote back.
"Bobby, I was so wounded.
My world was ending.
I thought we were "definitely finished otherwise I wouldn't have done what I did.
"We can move forward even stronger but please think carefully "cos this opportunity will not be on the table for long.
"I love you.
I will give you your guitar whatever happens.
" I responded.
"I don't know why I wanted to break up with you.
"I just felt it was right.
There was no specific reason at all.
"But I'm a man of my word and I have to stick with my feelings.
" - What? - "I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted" "I don't know why I broke up with you but I said I will, so I will.
" And then I wrote, "Can we still have sex at parties?" And I said, "No.
" - And that's the letter.
- Katherine and Bobby.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for coming on.
A genuinely true story.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner it's David O'Doherty! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, he's a bit like Marmite.
I don't like him.
Do you ever get nervous before the show? No, I just approach it with, I'd say, the misplaced confidence of a waiter with no pad.
That's my vibe.
Is there a more terrifying sight in restauranting, especially when there's four of you AND you're having starters, and he doesn't even go straight over to the machine to input it, he just, like, keeps making small You're never gonna remember this, you psychopath.
- I've got a chilled-out vibe.
- OK, and with David O'Doherty, of course, Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent says her least favourite phrase is "Get a room!" Cos she prefers doing it outside.
Susie, have you been researching any new words recently? Ermno, not new ones.
Old ones that sound really filthy - but they're not.
- Oh, go on.
- Like cockapert.
- Cockapert? You are actually a cockapert.
- He is, you're right.
That was a lucky guess but, yeah.
It means a dandy or a dandified fellow.
- A dandified fellow? - Yeah, that's you.
- I'll take that all day.
- Cockapert.
- You're a cockapert.
OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley! CHEERING - You recently got married.
- I did.
Congratulations, and tell us all about the wedding.
Well, we've been together, like, five years.
We were going to Vegas anyway so we thought we might as well get married while we were there.
But we only decided the week before so at the airport my mum said, "Have a lovely trip.
If you get married in Vegas without us "I'll come back and haunt you.
" So that was a good start! Did he do the whole getting-down-on-one-knee thing? No, we were just kind of, erm, by the bins in Salford, along Market Street, and we were like, "Shall we get married?" "Yeah, why not?" It was really romantic.
OK, the prize teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown ironing board! CHEERING Fucking useless.
In fairness, he doesn't own clothes.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon, Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
I might take one of these cardigans off, if nobody minds.
There's a sweat issue.
Please.
- Consonant.
- Thank you, Katherine.
D Three more consonants, please.
N R B And a vowel.
I And another vowel.
A - Another consonant and then a vowel? - Another consonant, another vowel.
S O Dealer's choice.
Dealer's choice.
AndU OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ALL SHOU The Greeks! Do you wanna smash a plate, Jon? Strikes me as the kind of thing you'd be good at.
I'm more of a tidying up guy.
Got a broom? Smash a plate? - On the head? - Well, wherever you want.
- You can smash it on your head, sure.
- Can I? - Yeah.
- Can I? - Yeah, I don't care.
I'm scared now.
I'm gonna fucking do it HE YELLS - Fun.
- You can really hear it hitting the bald spot, can't you? Excuse me, hang on.
- This could be good.
- OK.
- I'll volley it.
- You're gonna volley it? - Yeah, with my head.
This is gonna end in tears.
CHEERING Come on! I'm fine.
Don't try that at home, obviously, becauseplates.
I've got some Greek meze for everyone.
- I thought maybe chips and dips, that sort of thing.
- Yes.
Just because we're sort of having a games' night, aren't we? - You've really splashed out on the olives.
- Mm! - How many letters? GEORDIE ACCENT: Oh, mate, I couldn't believe it, man! I looked down and there's a bloody six! - Katherine, how many? - Eight.
- Eight? - Yeah.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
- Mr Ayoade? - Also six.
Oh, my God, I'm the smartest person here.
- Richard, what's your six? - DRAINS.
- Seems strangely appropriate.
- Thank you.
That is what I do to energy.
DRAINS.
Mine's strangely appropriate as well.
BRAINS.
Jon, your six? GEORDIE ACCENT: RADIOS.
Katherine, your eight-letter word, for the win? - UNBRAIDS.
- UNBRAIDS.
Susie's saying it's an eight-letter word.
Katherine Ryan - David, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
- Whoo! - Dinosaur is the sweetest eight.
- Oh! - You're really tucking into the meze.
- Yeah.
You wanna be careful what you eat cos I've had gastritis for four days because I kissed my dog on the mouth and he definitely was eating fox poo.
- Your little dog.
- Yes.
- You kiss it fully on the mouth.
I kiss him right on the mouth.
Can't help it.
- Right.
- And then I did it the other day and I was like, "Whoa.
" It was foxy.
I knew there was a problem and then I just, you know, went about my business but I have been violently ill until pretty much noon today.
And that's four days.
LAUGHTER AND SOME APPLAUSE - Why would you kiss a dog? - I kiss him everyday.
Fuck is the matter with you? If you saw him Do you kiss your dogs? - No.
- Really? - Might as well rim it! I mean, really Once you've started kissing it you're only a hop, skip and a jump - and you're up the other end.
- At the end of that, Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 8 points.
DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sean, Richard, your pick of the numbers.
- I'll have the usual, please.
- The Sean Special.
- Two large and four little.
- Yep.
- And they are 5, 8, 2, 10, 75 and 100.
And the target - 843.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
The target was 843.
Jon, did you get it? GEORDIE ACCENT: Did I fuck.
I got 842.
- Katherine, did you get it? - No.
854.
- Sean, did you get it? - No.
Nowhere near.
- OK.
Richard? - 845.
OK, well, you were the closest, Jon.
- GEORDIE ACCENT: 100 + 5.
- 105.
And then I times that by the 8.
I just put the 2 on the 840 and that's I don't wanna blind you with difficult maths but if you put a 2 on 840 it's 84-fuckin'-2, mate.
OK, 7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE NORMAL ACCENT: I would like to apologise to the people of Newcastle.
I'd like to apologise live at Newcastle's Tyne Theatre on December the 12th LAUGHTER Rachel, could this be done? If you say 10 / 5 = 2.
2 X 2 = 4.
100 - 4 = 96.
96 X 8 = 768 + 75.
Here is your teaser.
The words are DRAGNADS.
The clue is "Mine are all wrinkled.
" That's DRAGNADS.
"Mine are all wrinkled.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were DRAG NADS.
The clue was "mine are all wrinkled".
It was, of course, GRANDADS.
So, Jon and Katherine are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Katherine.
So, Katherine, your turn to choose.
OK.
- Rachel, could I have three consonants - Yes.
.
.
and two vowels, please? And then a consonant.
And a vowel.
And then a What do you think? Everyone in this room wants a U.
A consonant and a vowel, please.
Your time starts now.
MACHINE BEEPS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS MACHINE PINGS Audience: Aww! Hairy Jon! Come here.
Come here, you little rascal.
Audience: Aww! RICHARD: Don't kiss it, Jimmy! Hello.
KATHERINE SQUEALS What do you think, Jon? We've made little versions of you.
Yeah.
I'm going to give that to Sexy.
There you go, Sexy.
Give the little Jon to Jon.
Do you want to come to me, little sausage? - Hello, sausage.
- Give it a little kiss, Jon.
- Aw I think, of all of the Jons, this one has eaten the least fox shit.
Do you know the Face App thing? I put myself as an older me .
.
and that is bang on.
- It really is.
- So good to see you again.
This is getting freaky now.
So Jon's clones, everyone.
Thanks, everyone.
APPLAUSE OK.
Katherine, how many? - Six.
- Six.
Sean, how many? - Six.
- OK.
Katherine, what is your six? Well, my six is INTAKE.
And, Sean, your word? RECANT.
KATHERINE: Ooh! Well, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH David O'Doherty, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Yes.
- CARINATE for eight.
- Mmm-hmm.
And that is tomake something look like a carrot? No.
It describes a bird that's got a kind of ridge on its breastbone for the flight muscles to be attached.
It's hard to make words when you don't know what they are - .
.
already.
- Yes.
But it does look like it should be a word - CARINATE.
RICHARD: It looks like a car's pissing.
OK.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Richard have six, Jon and Katherine have 21.
APPLAUSE Now time for Jon and Richard to go head-to-head.
Richard, your turn to pick the numbers.
A Sean.
Could I have a Sean, please? Two big ones, four little ones.
Coming up, Richard.
If you come back a few more times, you can have your own special.
Thank you very much.
I don't think I'll get booked again.
You have .
.
and this time the target OK.
And your time starts now.
OK.
So, the target was 676.
Did you get it, Richard? - Yes.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did.
- Richard, how did you do it? First thing is to times 75 by 9.
- 675.
- Yes.
Then subtract from the eight, the five and the two - For one.
- .
.
leaving one.
KATHERINE: Ooh - You're bang on.
- Jon, did you do it the same way? I did it exactly the same way.
10 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? I think it was I think it was Keating that said "life is a roller-coaster, "you just have to ride it.
" And I don't think Keating has ever been to a theme park, cos it's mostly queueing, to be honest, Keating.
But we all have our ups and downs, Susie.
This is a song about one of my downs.
# I did a gig in Milton Keynes # And after the show went for a sit-down wee-wee # And there was no loo paper # But what's that? A thing of wet wipes # And I've never used wet wipes before # Cos I know they're bad for the environment # But this is an emergency # Wha I use my Whaaa # I use my second ever wet wipe # Whaaa 'Allo! 'Allo vera! My third wet wi Yow! Ah-ha-ha! Wha-ha-ha! Aargh! Argh I look down.
# They're Domestos toilet-cleaning bleach wipes # They're like the industrial ones They have backstage in rat-infested theatres.
And now I'm in more pain than I've ever been in before.
All we have is a sink and a push-down tap, so I climb up over the sink and try to splash And now we'd better dry the region It's the only time in my life ever I've been, # "I hope there isn't a Dyson Airblade" # There's a Dyson Airblade # Have you ever tried to dry your arsehole in a Dyson Airblade? # You have to physically enter the Dyson Air You have to scissor the Dyson Airblade.
OK.
I'll carry out a visual inspection.
Now, the problem with a visual inspection in this area is # I don't know what it usually looks like # It's the one part of my body I don't think I've ever seen # Like someone holding up a picture of Paraguay and being like, # "Does Paraguay look normal?" I don't know what Paraguay usually looks like.
So I try to do it just in a mirror, but I'm insufficiently yogic to get around that far.
So I end up getting out my own phone and just try And as I'm taking the photo, all I'm thinking is, "Do you remember last year loads of iClouds were hacked? "What if today is the day? "Cos this is the weir" # I've peroxided my own arsehole bright white It looks like a volcano that's been covered in snow.
So now I have to go to the hospital.
And luckily it's just round the corner.
And I go in, and I explain what's happened to the doctor, and she looks up as I enter the room, and she starts to laugh.
Nightmare of nightmares! # "I was at your gig last night.
" "No!" So she's like, "Well, I'd better take a look.
" "Yeah, you'd better take a look, to be honest.
" And I get in position, and there's the awful 10 seconds when I hear the thwack of gloves going on.
And then she opens the dreadful doors and looks inside And she starts to laugh again.
And I'm like, "Am I going to die?" And she says You've basically just deep-cleaned it.
You know the line that stays with me? She said You could eat your dinner off that.
Why did she say that?! That's never occurred to Oh, yeah - maybe I'll get a Tinder date tonight! "Do you want to eat in an out-of-the-way place in my pants?" # And I survived, and I'm here to tell the tale But there are dangers to stand-up comedy.
APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
To come at this from a different angle No, please don't do that.
I mean, it's actually medically fine.
She said you could eat your dinner off there, - which I don't think you'd be happy with, Jon, if I'm absolutely honest.
- No.
Definitely not soup.
RICHARD: Maybe - Maybe a boiled egg.
- Oh, no OK.
Sean and Richard have 16.
Jon and Katherine are on 31.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GLUM NIPS.
The clue is "they're hanging low".
That's GLUM NIPS - "they're hanging low".
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GLUM LIPS.
The clue was "They are hanging low".
It was, of course, SLUMPING.
Before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
I have a selection of items, all of which are spelt with seven letters.
All they have to do is give them a feel and tell me what they are.
Whoever guesses the most objects correctly gets the bonus points.
Sean and Jon, you're playing for your teams.
Please come and join me at the Feeling Station.
- Please.
- I'm looking forward to this.
I haven't felt anything for years.
LAUGHTER Oh, the glasses are off.
Before you even start, I'm very aware that bumhole is a seven-letter word and if you even fucking think about it That is it.
I'm just going to guess "bumhole" before every one.
Tell you what, Jimmy, if you put in front of me, I'll lick it.
- So it had better not be a bumhole.
- OK, your time starts now.
Bring on our first seven-letter word.
OK, so just reach into where I was standing and have a feel.
Reach in, there you go.
Get in there.
- Oh, muscle.
- It's a big, muscly man.
- You can use both hands, Sean.
- Spandex? - Spandex, yes, that's the right answer.
- Yeah! You've got to be gentle with the next one.
I'd like you to reach down.
- Hamster.
- Punch down? No! - Kittens? - Down, Jon, down.
Dog.
That's a three-letter word.
A dachshund.
You think it might be a dachshund? Have a feel.
Do you think it's a dachshund? JON GIGGLES Terrier? It's a fucking dog.
How you would want to kiss this, I don't know.
- Labrador.
Bulldog.
- Yeah! There you go, bulldog, we'll get rid of him.
OK, you've got to stick your tongues out a bit for this.
- You are shitting me.
- No, you'll be OK.
Just stick your tongue out a little bit.
There you go.
Sherbet.
Sherbet! I said sherbet! Popping candy.
Popping candy is exactly right, popping.
Next one.
OK.
What?! - Cymbals.
- Cymbals, there you go.
There's something in a bowl here.
You've got to put your hands into the middle.
Yeah.
Ugh! For fuck's sake.
- Custard? - Yes, custard! - Yeah! OK, your time's up.
OK, the points go to Sean! No! Good, I think.
- Very good touching and feeling, well done.
- Well played.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I feel like Katherine after prom.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn.
- Choose the letters.
- Consonant, please.
- Thanks, Jon.
- P.
- Vowel, please.
- O.
- Consonant.
- T.
- Consonant, please.
- W.
- A vowel, please.
- I.
- And another consonant, please.
- R.
- And another consonant, please.
- S.
- A vowel, please.
- E.
- And a consonant, please.
- And an F.
OK, and your time starts now.
- OK, Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Katherine? - Six.
- Sean? - Seven.
- Richard? - Six.
- What is your six? - TOWERS.
- Katherine, your six? - SWIPER.
- SWIPER? - Mmm.
- Sean? - RIPOSTE.
- Oh, yeah.
Shut the fridge, Sean.
- Jon, your seven? - FORTIES.
FORTIES.
Seven points to both teams.
David, could they have done any better? Sevens is as good as this gets.
- PROFITS, ROPIEST, but RIPOSTE, there we go, banging.
- OK.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
David, what have you got for us? Well, I thought some people might like to dance, so let's throw on some fab beats and see where it takes us.
I love doing Countdown.
I love hanging out backstage.
A lot of celebrities are backstage tonight.
Cher, the singer, is back there.
You know, she's married to Ross Noble, the comedian, and that's why she just uses her first name.
LAUGHTER It would be too bleak otherwise.
Here we go.
So my washing machine was broken and I was going off on tour next day so I'm in the laundry place at midnight, when I get a call from my friend Ray.
He says, "Everyone's out and you're going away, "so you have to come too".
I say, "Ray, I'm doing my laundry".
He said, "There's only one thing to do.
"You bring your laundry to the club.
Take it out of the machine.
"Bring your laundry to the club.
It's probably clean".
And now I'm in the club, and it's really going off.
There are people to talk to, there are drinks to quaff but in the back of my mind are my wet clothes and now my flight departure is getting close.
You see, it's warm in the club, and there's a few spare chairs.
So I take out a shirt and just hang it over there.
I did my laundry in the club.
T-shirts on a booth.
I did my laundry in the club, because I like to party and my laundry does too.
Hey, DJ, keep playing those slow jams.
Let's raise the temperature up a little more, let's raise the temperature up a little more, I've got undies on the speaker and trousers on the door.
But it makes me think of so many other things that I hate to do but could be fun if I did them while I was partying.
Renew your car insurance at the club! Online shopping at the club! Colonoscopy at the club! You may not meet the special one, but you'll get shit done.
Thank you.
It's a hit.
David O'Doherty, everyone! And here's your final teaser.
The words are SNIFF TUG.
The clue is "smells like onions".
That's SNIFF TUG, "smells like onions".
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SNIFF TUG, the clue was - smells like onions.
It was, of course, STUFFING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Richard, your turn to choose.
Richard, you have fun.
Enjoy yourself.
Relax.
- Have you met me? - Yeah.
Four vowels.
U A A E O Two consonants.
R L Another vowel.
I - Too many vowels.
- I know it's too many vowels.
I'm having fun, Sean, for the first time in my life.
Um And another consonant, please.
G And Have fun, enjoy yourself, you know? - Another consonant.
- Another consonant.
Consonant.
Yeah, why not? OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
MUSIC: Baa, Baa, Black Sheep APPLAUSE I What? Susie, I was I was reading that, and I drifted off.
Richard, how many? - Five.
- Five.
Sean, how many? - Er, six.
- Six, OK.
Jon? Aye, six.
Aye, six.
Katherine? I only have five.
What is your wife, Katherine? GALED.
GALED.
Richard, your five? - LODGE.
- LODGE.
- LODGE.
- LODGE.
There is an R there.
It could be a lodger.
I hadn't even written down an R.
I've got to sharpen up.
I've really got to sharpen up here.
Sean, your six? - DERAIL.
- DERAIL.
Jon, your six? - UGLIER.
- Ooh! Six points to both teams.
Right, OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? Huge news from DC! Susie Dent, nine.
- Yes.
- Wow! - Nine?! Anyone mocking my vowel selection, prepare to eat this slice of humble pie.
- Yeah, thanks, Richard.
- Thank you.
DIALOGUE is there for eight, and you can put the R on, at the end.
- Yes! - DIALOGUER.
Susie Dent, everyone.
DIALOGUER.
APPLAUSE So, Sean and Richard have 34, Jon and Katherine have 44.
Whoo, whoo, whoo! That means That means it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Sean, Richard, you need this to save face.
Your time starts now.
BELL Richard.
ONGRITAPE.
BELL - OPERATING.
- Fuck! - OPERATING.
- OPERATING.
- OPERATING.
Final answer, Jimmy, OPERATING.
Thank you, Sean.
Let's have a look.
So, the final scores are, Sean and Richard have 44, Jon and Katherine have 44.
It's a draw.
APPLAUSE Congratulations, everyone is now the proud owner of this, the Countdown ironing board! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!