90210 s05e17 Episode Script
Dude, Where's My Husband?
Previously on 90210 You have to be so incredibly brave to trust somebody you just met to carry your baby.
I'd really like the chance to be that person.
It's official.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant.
The whole time that Naomi was pushing me to flirt with Mark, I thought he liked you.
Look, after what almost went down with Dixon, I am not about to lose another friend.
Okay, well then let's make a pact.
All right? Mark is off limits.
Okay, Mark is off limits.
Deal.
Divorce sucks, but it's the right thing.
Yeah, no, it is.
We're too young.
I'm gonna miss you, Naomi.
Dude, what's your problem? My problem is everyone asking me what my problem is.
That kid that I hit yesterday decided not to press charges, so I'm off the hook.
Hey, that's that's fantastic.
Our physics final's coming up.
Once you figure out the answers, just text them to the rest of the guys.
You need me to go.
Yeah, it's just that my stepson's gonna be home soon and Got it.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
They're withholding the semester grades because they know we were cheating.
It's gonna come out.
Everyone at Cronus is gonna be okay.
I've set Navid Shirazi up to take the fall for the whole thing.
Hey.
Thanks for stopping by.
Of course.
Hey, you mind if I use your shower while I'm here? Did you get sweaty on the way over or something? Our water heater at home is broken.
Instead of calling a professional repairman, Liam and Mark see it as a great opportunity to compare the size of their prowess at fixing things.
Anyway, what's up? I'm worried about Naomi.
She's been a little off the last couple of days.
And I think I figured out why.
I found this in the drawer.
Oh, man.
Her divorce papers? Yeah.
She hasn't said anything? No, she's just been moping around and watching TV.
Hasn't returned any calls for work.
Am I interrupting something? You know, we're here if you need to talk or if you're feeling depressed.
Why would you think I'm depressed? Um, well, why have you been ignoring your business calls? I was gonna get around to them.
Fine if you got a bee in your bonnet.
Wedding, wedding, engagement party another wedding.
Media company looking for a planner for unspecified events.
I will call Jordan Welland back right now.
Happy? If you are.
I couldn't be better.
I have work to do.
Biggest red flag? She hasn't even been plucking her eyebrows.
I know.
That means she's coming.
This is it.
Hey, guys, Michaela's flash mob video is, like, 750,000 After 14 hours of grueling labor views.
Oh, wow, that's great.
The baby's head begins to fully emerge.
Whoa, guys, are you actually watching this on purpose? Dixon, please! This is beautiful.
Do you want to feel the top of her head? Keep it going, that's great.
Okay, see, I'm not the only one who thinks this is disgusting.
She has morning sickness, you idiot.
Okay, well, this this can't be helping.
The morning sickness just started today.
Well, shouldn't it be ending soon? It's about to be noon.
I actually read that, uh, it doesn't always confine itself to the mornings.
- Awesome.
- I know.
It sucks, I'm sorry.
But, hey, I'm gonna be here for you.
Whatever you need.
I can't believe it's actually happening! I mean, we have a due date.
In eight months, I'm gonna be a mom.
A healthy baby boy, slick with Savannah's nurturing birth fluid.
Oh, okay, eight months.
Wow, well, um I got to go somewhere where this isn't happening.
Hey, what's up? Isn't this a little weird now? Living in the back of some guy's restaurant? No, I kind of like it.
It's cozy.
Oh, plus Mark and I made a deal.
I sign for all the shipments when he's not around and, uh, in exchange, I get all the free tacos I can eat.
Ah, but what he doesn't know is that, uh, I can eat a lot of tacos.
So, listen.
I heard Campbell saying some pretty messed up stuff the other day about how, uh, he and his friends have been doing some big cheating thing, and they're gonna pin the whole thing on you.
What? I guess those Cronus jerks really think they can get away with anything.
But I mean, but come on, making you the fall guy? You've never cheated a day in your life.
Who's gonna believe them? Yeah, yeah, that's the thing, Liam, um I did cheat.
- What are you talking about? - Well, I had a reason, - but - Well, what's the reason? I mean, you're, like, the smartest guy in school.
I I texted the Cronus guys the answers to the physics final.
It was the only way Simon agreed not to press charges against you.
What? N Navid, you you could take the fall for this as the ringleader.
I wish you would've told me.
It was my choice, but besides you have nothing to worry about.
I'm gonna go talk to the dean right now.
I'm gonna tell him exactly who's orchestrating the cheating.
What do you think he's gonna say? I I think he'll appreciate the honesty.
Hey, believe me everything's gonna be fine, okay? I'm gonna beat Campbell to the punch.
Yo, Annie, there's something wrong with the doorknob in your bathroom.
Shh, I know.
I I don't want Mark or Liam trying to fix it.
Uh, why not? I thought they were good at that kind of thing.
Well, they both have minor strengths as well as delusions of grandeur.
It's a bad combination, so I'm gonna call a repairmen.
Shh.
Hey, what brings you over here so early? Honestly, man, I just had to get out of the house.
Between Silver and Michaela, man, I feel like the whole house is pregnant.
You need a little estrogen break I get it.
These girls, they're great, but they can be a little overwhelming.
Tell me about it, man.
And you had that whole Annie, Naomi sister thing going on.
Exactly.
You and I have that in common, I guess.
At least the Annie part.
Does that kind of make us related? Yeah, yeah, I guess it does.
I mean, so so what are we? Like, uh, brothers twice removed or something? We're in a brotherly zone.
Yeah.
Let's call it faux bros.
Faux bros I like that.
So what do you say we make this faux bro-hood official, huh? Let's go out tonight, let's get some drinks.
Meet some girls.
You mean ones who aren't our sisters or their friends or their friend's pregnant surrogates? Yeah.
I'm liking the sound of this.
Yes.
I'm glad you called me back, Naomi.
I started my media company two years ago, and we are finally starting to get some real traction.
And we're looking to throw some events.
Uh, launches, premieres, that kind of thing.
Well, Jordan, I can assure you those type of high-end corporate events are right up my alley.
I can give you some references if you like.
Well, I don't need any references, I just want to make sure our parties are cool.
You know, not all stodgy and establishment.
That's why I came to you.
You know, we're both getting started the same time.
You're young, you're fun.
Single, huh? Not to make this all about your personal life, but who we are affects how we work.
Don't you think? - Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
So take a look at some of our projects and if you think it'll be a good fit, please give me a call.
Oh, I'm sure it's a perfect fit, but I will certainly look over this and get back to you with some of my super cool ideas that come so naturally to me.
Thank you for coming.
All right.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey.
You okay? No.
I don't think I am.
I'm not young and fun and single.
I'm divorced.
I'm a sad old divorcée.
Stop, okay? Can I make you some tea? I think Ivy left it behind it's nice, it's calming.
No, no tea.
I don't, I don't need that.
I'm not some pathetic hippy-dippy failure.
I just told you that I drank some.
If I'm gonna be able to plan the kind of party that Jordan wants, I'm gonna have to snap out of this.
So I'm going to go out.
I'm gonna do shots.
I'm gonna get crazy and you're gonna do it with me.
Naomi, are you sure this is what you need? No, I've never needed anything more in my life.
You have to call Annie and Silver, tell them to meet us.
Because tonight the real Naomi is back.
All right, thank you.
Well, what a coincidence.
What did you just tell the dean? Nothing much I just heard about this big cheating scandal and I wanted to make sure he knew Cronus had nothing to do with it.
What what are you talking about? You organized the whole thing.
You were texting out answers like crazy.
Okay, if that were true, why would I have just given the dean all of our phone records? He's already got proof that nobody in Cronus was involved.
You covered it up.
What, you used dummy phones? Wow, you should write spy novels, Shirazi, with all these crazy stories you're spinning.
All I know is my dad is on the board of trustees and has a whole building named after him.
So you really think the dean is gonna believe your story over mine? Anyway, I got to get going.
I got a big Cronus party tonight.
I would invite you, but you didn't want to be part of Cronus, remember? Which is too bad because we really would've had your back.
So it's cool for you to take a night off? - One of the benefits of running the place.
- Mm, yeah.
That and the free drinks.
So, after we finish this, you want to head out? Or we could stick around here for a bit longer.
Oh-ho.
That's my faux bro.
Getting it started early.
Okay, let's go.
Excuse me, ladies, uh Good evening.
Do you guys like, um uh origami? I'm not opposed to it.
Origami? Come on, man.
Oh, hey, you're a Nirvana fan? Who's Nirvana? Are are you serious? You know, I was supposed to make you a boat, but I changed my mind late in the game, and I decided to make you a mini coaster.
I'm clearly in the presence of a master.
And this master will buy you a drink.
I'm all for supporting Naomi, but it makes me really nervous, leaving Michaela at home after she's been so sick.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
Well, looks like people are rediscovering Nirvana.
Yeah, the smart ones are.
You two look nice.
Thank you.
But we are on a girls' night, so, we are going to go meet up with the girls.
Yep.
Oh my God, he is so cute.
We have to stay strong.
You know.
- And remember our pact not to get involved with him.
- Yes.
No guy is cute enough to come in between our friendship.
Again.
Absolutely.
Hey, is something bothering you? Besides the sex splinters? Yeah.
Actually, when I was sneaking out of your house the other day, I almost ran into your stepson.
Oh, crap, did he see you? No, but I did hear him talking on the phone about how he and his all friends have been cheating on their finals.
Really? That sounds like it could get them in some major trouble.
Yeah, except he's planning on framing my friend for it.
I I just feel like I should say something, you, know, help Navid out.
No, you can't do that.
If Campbell finds out you overheard him, then he would know that you were in the house.
What if he told my husband? Then maybe it would help you get that divorce you wanted.
No, it's not that simple.
My husband is incredibly jealous.
If he finds out about us, I don't know what he might do.
And, besides, it's your word against Campbell's.
Well, I feel like a jerk letting my friend take the fall for this.
Then don't.
Maybe you can't tell what you heard, but you can't let Campbell get away with this.
You have to figure out some other way to prove that Campbell was cheating.
I cannot believe you brought that homeopathic tea with you.
It's so stupid.
It's kind of addictive.
And I'm the designated driver.
I would not complain if I were you.
Whatever, as long as you don't let it hold you back.
Tonight is very special.
It's all about us getting back to the way we used to be.
- So, no talking about babies.
- Who, me? Or how hard it is to live with your ex-boyfriend who is incredibly hot.
Or divorce.
Are you sure you don't want to talk about the divorce at all? I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about it.
Instead, I propose a toast.
To dropping our hideous baggage and returning to our young, fun, single selves.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Ade? Ade? Ade.
Ade, wake up, wake up.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? Where ? What happened? I don't know.
Why are you wearing a veil? What? What veil? What, what, no, no No.
No.
No.
Oh, my God, no.
What the hell happened last night? Annie, please call me as soon as you get this.
I have a very big problem.
What? Did you find the rando guy I married? No, I just saw my hair.
Who would do this to me? And why would I have let them? The whole night is a blur.
But you weren't even drinking.
I know, I guess that tea I was sipping on was a little bit more than calming.
I wonder if I can get an appointment with my colorist.
No, no, Ade, listen, you can deal with your skunk hair later.
I have an emergency.
If I got married, I have to get it annulled, like, now.
Otherwise, I have to get divorced, again.
I mean, it's bad enough being defined as a divorcée, but a two-time divorcée, I can't handle that.
Okay, well, we'll find out if you actually got married.
And if so, to who.
Okay, well, I already checked my phone and Facebook and there are no leads at all, so, please tell me you remember something, anything.
Okay uh, we were at the Offshore, you guys took some shots Yeah.
We went to a male strip club.
Oh, fantastic.
Which one? Uh, it had a name like Buttocks, or No Thighs? Ham Hocks.
Ham Hocks? - Haunches! - Yes, yes, Haunches, Haunches.
All right, round up Annie and Silver.
Have them meet us there, okay, let's go.
Adrianna, emergency.
Okay.
Okay.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I had a really good time last night.
Yeah, me, too.
And thanks for being so cool about us not hooking up.
I just, I have this rule about not sleeping with guys the same night that I meet them.
I get it.
You would much rather know someone first.
Exactly.
Mm-hmm.
But since, technically, it's not the same night that we met anymore Mmm.
Man, I love a good technicality.
Is someone throwing up in your living room? Yep.
Stay right there.
Don't don't move.
Hey, buddy.
Look, I'm actually not alone right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's it's cool.
God, morning sickness sucks.
I'm either nauseous or I'm craving foods I thought I hated.
Wait, morning sickness? She's pregnant? Uh, yeah, yeah she is.
But but it's it's, it's not mine.
It's it's not even hers.
I don't even know her that well.
It's a long, complicated, boring story.
We shouldn't even talk about it.
- Maybe we should go get some breakfast.
- No way.
But, it's not my baby.
No, I mean, I'm not going to leave her here like this.
My sister just had a baby, and she had really bad morning sickness for, like, two months.
She basically lived on crackers.
Crackers sound really gross right now.
It's fine, really, I'm okay.
Please don't change your plans because of me.
I'm just going to sit here with my bucket.
See, she's fine.
Maybe we should just Oh, no.
No, no, no, you're not getting rid of me that easily.
Dixon, we're going to need a cool, damp washcloth and a box of saltines.
I don't think we have any.
Then you're going to have to run out and get some.
Then I'm going to have to run out and get some.
Holy mackerel.
You back already? You remember me? How could I forget you? I had to forcibly remove you from the stage, like, three times.
Sorry about that.
So, listen, did you happen to see me leave here with anyone last night? Leave? I thought you'd never leave.
I mean, you were all over the dancers and said you were tired of going home alone.
But no, I didn't see you leave.
Oh, my God, I might have married one of those? Funny, you didn't strike me as the marrying kind.
I wouldn't think so, either, but apparently I am.
I need every single one of these beefcakes' phone numbers, pronto.
Oh, my God.
Listen, man, uh, I I think I am going to need your help after all.
You know that thing you heard Campbell say? Turns out it's, uh, the only evidence I got.
Yeah, man, I'm I'm really sorry but I I can't tell anyone about that.
Why not? Because of how I overheard him.
I was in his house, with his stepmom.
Sydney.
Wait, our our investor uh, who you're having an affair with, is is also Campbell's stepmom? Yeah.
You're literally sleeping with the enemy.
Whoa, hey, she's not the enemy; Campbell is.
She thinks we should find some other evidence to show that he's guilty.
Okay, wow, uh, well, I guess it's possible that one of the Cronus guys still has one of the dummy cell phones they used for the cheating.
That's what we'll look for.
But how? Those guys won't even let me near them.
They might still be willing to hang out with me.
Hey.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Annie's not answering her phone, which is weird, and Naomi needs us at a strip club right away.
I'm sorry, what? Yeah, she thinks she got married and she doesn't remember.
- Your hair - Mm, don't.
Okay, um, I'm going to get my stuff.
So, I'm assuming you don't know anything either? Hey, where did you go? You disappeared last night after the Offshore.
Yeah, no, I, um, I checked on Michaela and she was craving cheese puffs, so I ran out to bring her some.
When I came back you guys were already gone.
I called your cell phones.
Nobody was picking up, so I just came home and went to bed.
Really? Alone? What, this is mine.
I just rarely wear it, because it's so ugly.
Silver, I woke up with Bride of Frankenstein hair.
At least let me vicariously live through your hook up.
Come on, tell me who it is.
Doesn't Naomi need our help? Fine, don't tell me.
Oh, is it that beer delivery guy with the awesome arms? So, you're sure you and I didn't get married last night? Um, yeah.
I mean, you're good looking and all, but why would I tie myself down like that? You're so right.
The world is your oyster, here at Haunches.
Oh, man, your hair looks awesome.
Mauricio nailed it.
I always have him do my frosted tips.
Who's Mauricio? He's one of the dancers here.
You don't remember him? You two went back to your place together so he could do your hair.
Wait, wait, did I marry Mauricio? Oh, no, he's already married.
His husband is the bomb.
Makes a great guacamole.
Great, so I didn't marry any of the strippers.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Wow, you guys really went for it last night.
Oh, and like you didn't, little miss hook up with mysterious jacket guy.
Yeah, whatever.
How about this? Flashing of the boobs.
Nice shot.
Nice work, you guys.
Can I see that for a second? These are not my boobs.
- Then whose are they? - Oh, that's those other two girls.
You know, your friends, the ones from TV.
I don't have friends from TV.
From that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
You left here with them.
- What? - I can't believe you don't remember.
You were seriously bonding with them.
You kept calling yourselves the three divorcées.
Kind of like the three amigos, I guess, but sadder.
Adrianna, get me a list of the housewives.
We're gonna find those bitches.
Based on which Beverly Hills housewives were actually in town last night, and which ones are also divorced, it has to be Brandi and Camille.
Their publicists said they come here every day.
Though I'm not quite sure what this place is.
It's Bolates.
You get Botox and Pilates all in one.
Clearly the stripper blew our so-called bonding out of proportion.
I mean, if I left with the housewives, I was probably just helping them get home like a Girl Scout.
Otherwise, what do I possibly have in common with them? Oh, my God.
Our sister from another mister.
Court! I didn't know you were still interested Cronus.
You kind of dropped off the face of the earth.
I've been busy with some stuff lately, but yeah, I'm definitely interested.
Even though your buddy, Shirazi, told us to suck it? Man, that guy's an idiot.
I don't care what he thinks.
Oh, so you're like, not friends with Shirazi anymore? Never really was.
Well, in that case, have a seat.
You have great timing.
Tonight is initiation night - for Cronus.
- What's up? All right.
Yo, yo.
Hey.
I basically bought the store out of saltines.
So I hope they do the trick.
Where's Helen? Oh, I sent her out to get me some soup I was craving.
Why didn't you text me? I could've got it.
No, you couldn't have.
It's this special soup, Peruvian soup, made from llama's milk.
You can only get it at this one place in Simi Valley that I completely made up.
- Oh, okay, why? - I'm sorry, Dixon, I know you guys were hitting it off, but if I had to listen to one more story about her pregnant sister's delicate esophagus, I was gonna punch her in the face.
Ew.
Nobody seems to believe this, but I don't actually want to think about pregnancy 24-7.
You don't? No.
Especially when it's not even my own baby.
I mean, like, don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy to be doing this, but it's taking over my entire life.
Taking over? It's taking over my entire life.
I really am sorry.
It's not your fault.
But really? The birthing videos? Oh, freaking disgusting.
I know, right? Look, I I get it.
Babies are supposed to be beautiful, and the whole nine yards, but seeing a baby come out it's it's like that scene in Alien.
Exactly.
Oh, I love Alien.
Me, too.
You want to watch it? I got it on Blu-ray.
Hell yeah.
But you know what I want to do first? Throw up? No, get a giant plate of nachos.
I'm in a craving phase.
You're a genius.
Let's go.
So what happened was we were watching a movie on my phone.
And one of the strippers kept bragging about this porno he was in.
Yeah.
And we thought, what the heck, let's check it out.
And it was a complete rip-off of my favorite movie.
Corporate Invaders.
I'm a huge Liam Court fan.
- Aren't we all? - And that's what I was saying to Cam, I was like, "Oh, my God, yeah, the stripper's like, well-endowed and whatnot, but Liam is so much hotter.
" And your friend, the little one, was like, "I live with Liam.
" Party time.
So we all jumped into my Bentley and went to Liam's house.
But he wasn't home, so I was really sad.
- You were sad.
- I was sad.
So we decided to watch The First Wives Club.
That always makes her feel better.
But it seemed like the movie was getting you upset.
You said that you didn't want to be a divorcée because you didn't want it to define you.
Yeah, we told you it won't entirely.
I mean, it definitely changes the way people see you.
Because you're not yourself anymore, and your not somebody's wife.
You're somebody's ex-wife.
Exactly.
Well, thank you for all of this incredible support, but we actually want to know if at some point last night I, um, married someone? I have no idea.
I went to the bathroom, and when I came out again, you were gone.
She was in the one bathroom, and that little, tiny girl was in the other bathroom, and I had to go so bad, I just couldn't hold it any longer, so I popped a squat in the backyard.
Oh, my God.
No, don't worry.
No one saw me.
I know why Annie's not returning our calls.
I think she's trapped.
Thank you both.
We have to go.
What a hot mess those three are.
Yeah.
What about the other new members? Don't they have to be initiated, too? They did this weeks ago, when you'd gone AWOL.
Well, it looks like I have some catching up to do.
Whoa, easy.
- Dude, slow down.
- Wow.
Not bad.
Well, I do own a bar.
So if this is one big drinking contest So you're not feeling challenged enough.
Well, you will be happy to know that this is just part one.
What's part two? Nothing much.
Just a refreshing little stroll up here.
Annie? Oh, my God, we're terrible friends.
She could be dead in there.
At least she has water.
Seriously? It took you guys 18 hours to realize I was missing? Ugh.
I really hope that is the closest I ever get to 127 Hours.
Stupid doorknob.
Why didn't I just let Liam and Mark fix it? Or if you were stuck in there all night, why didn't you just yell? I tried, but my voice was a little bit shot from yelling all night at strippers to show me the goods.
I got a little carried away.
- We all did.
- Eventually, it got quiet, so I thought you guys had left, and Liam and Mark never came home last night.
So basically, you have no idea where I went.
I assumed you went home to put on sweatpants and cry.
You seemed pretty shaken up by that ridiculous movie.
So, breaking you out of the bathroom was completely pointless.
All right, I'll just go back in there, but this time, I'm definitely taking my phone.
Annie, I'm sorry, I just I'm never gonna find that idiot that I married, and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life as a pathetic, bitter double-divorcée.
I might as well give up now.
I wish I could help you.
And maybe I can, because at 4:17 a.
m.
, I got an e-nnouncement from Lala's All-Night Wedding Chapel.
Let me see that! You married your brother? Wow.
Are you happy now? Me? I'm great, but you're still not getting into Cronus.
What the hell, man? I just put my life on the line.
And you did a decent job, but you walking on some ledge, while extremely entertaining, doesn't prove that you're not friends with Shirazi.
With Navid since he leaked a sex tape of mine and he ruined a relationship.
He's a dick.
So I don't know what your plans with him are, but personally, I would be thrilled to see him get what he deserves.
What do I have to do to make you believe me? Give me your phone.
Mmm.
Mmm.
These nachos are beautifully balanced.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
With the layering and everything.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm telling you, my faux bro knows how to do it.
I'm actually about to get something to drink.
- You want something? - Ginger ale, please and thank you.
Gotcha.
Hey, uh, two ginger ales.
Hey, man.
I didn't even notice - you were here.
- Hey, what's going on? Not much, uh, getting some nachos with Michaela, then going back to the house and watching Alien.
Sounds like a pretty good date.
What? No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
This is this is not a date, dude.
We're just hanging out.
She's just a really cool girl.
So dinner and a movie with a really cool girl is not a date? Look, man, you don't have to worry about anything.
Michaela and I were a one-time thing.
I'm happy for you, man.
Oh, it's Liam.
Looks like he came through.
I got to go.
Okay.
And here you go.
Thanks, man.
Hey.
Thanks.
What, are there no free refills? Uh, no.
No, seriously, what? Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nachos.
Yes! Okay, obviously I didn't marry you, so please tell me what the hell happened last night.
I'm not surprised you don't remember.
You were fairly obliterated when you called.
I called you? From a convenience store.
You were crying into a pint of butter pecan, so I drove over, and we talked, and then you got married to yourself.
I married myself? Well, I guess it makes a sad kind of sense.
I must have realized no one else would want to be with a failure like me.
Like I told you last night, you are blowing this whole divorcée thing way out of proportion.
Thank you, Mark, but you don't know what it's like.
I do.
I felt the exact same way after my divorce.
Wait.
You're divorced? I didn't know that.
It's not like we have to wear a big red "D" on all our clothes.
I know.
Well, I feel like I am.
I tried to go out last night, be the old Naomi, young, carefree, fun.
But instead, I ended up drunk, bitter, watching First Wives Club with a bunch of other divorcées.
And I might as well tattoo the big "D" right here on my forehead.
First of all, you have been divorced for, like, ten minutes, and you need to stop beating the crap out of yourself.
You are young and strong and beautiful and smart.
And you've got your whole life ahead of you.
Your divorce is just a, a tiny piece of it.
You really believe that? Yes.
You just need to give it some time.
At least, that's what worked for me.
And as cheesy as it sounds, I had to learn to love myself a little before I could even think about getting back out there.
But that should be easy for you.
You're pretty lovable.
I suppose you told me all this last night? I did.
And then you spotted the wedding chapel and had the great idea to marry yourself.
It wasn't out of self-pity.
It was out of something more like hope.
Thank you for being there for me last night.
And right now.
That's what brothers are for.
Hey, I got your text.
Hey! What's going on?! You've been trying to prove all night that you're not loyal to Shirazi.
Here's your chance.
You want me to hit him? That is your strong suit, isn't it? Plus he deserves it.
Come on, Fight Club, you can do a little better than that.
Unless there's something holding you back.
Liam, please don't do this.
Hey, I've known you since high school.
Come on, man.
Wow.
I'm just glad you're feeling better.
Ugh! Talking to Mark last night really helped.
It's nice to have a brother you can count on.
And one who helped us solve your mystery.
Though we still haven't identified Silver's mystery hook up.
It's my jacket, Adrianna.
How many times do I have to tell you? M'kay.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
I gotta run.
I'm heading to my hair appointment.
In spite of all the fiascoes, we should do girls' night more often.
See you.
Oh.
There's still one thing I can't figure out.
Mark said I called him that night, and the last call I had on my phone history was you.
Oh, that's weird.
Yeah, and I probably just deleted it.
But I am going to call Jordan back.
I figure best way to start getting over my divorce, secure a hot new client.
Hello, Jordan? Naomi Clark.
Yeah, I was just calling because I have a few ideas I think you're gonna go crazy for.
Hi.
Thanks.
I didn't think to grab it.
When you left my place to go meet Naomi? And here I've been thinking that was just your M.
O.
: slipping away in the middle of the night while your conquest lay sleeping.
I really didn't want to leave.
Sorry I answered your phone, by the way.
It was 3:00 in the morning.
I wasn't thinking.
It's okay.
I don't think Naomi knows.
If you don't want her to know, I won't tell her.
Thanks.
But actually, there is someone who I do have to tell.
Ugh! I never thought living with two guys would be the thing that forced me to learn home repair skills.
Anyway, how did your big night out with Mark go? Did you meet someone special? Yeah, yeah, kind of.
Really? That's awesome! Yeah, I guess it is.
It's, um but it's complicated.
Yeah.
How's it feel? Not great.
So I checked some of the Cronus guys' phones last night.
I couldn't find anything.
I really appreciate it, man.
All of it.
Because if this doesn't work, I'll be expelled.
And my whole future will be over.
Hey, I'll find something.
I will.
No, you have to be careful, man.
If the Cronus guys find out you're lying to them, they'll do something way worse to you than you did to me.
- Hey, Ade.
- Hey.
You know, it's weird, now that my hair's back to normal, I kind of miss the skunk stripes.
Okay, look, I need to talk to you about something that happened the other night.
When I went back to the Offshore and you guys were already gone, I ended up talking to Mark for, like, a really long time.
And we just we really connected.
And he ended up coming home with me.
And if that bothers you, then I will never see him again.
'Cause we made a pact I broke the pact, and I'm really sorry.
Ade.
I am.
I'm really sorry, and I hope that you can forgive me.
It's fine.
Really? Silver, you've forgiven me for a whole lot worse.
Besides, I think it was actually really brave of you to tell the truth.
So, we're good? Yeah.
I mean, why wouldn't we be? All right, awesome.
Thank you.
I like you hair like this.
I'd really like the chance to be that person.
It's official.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant.
The whole time that Naomi was pushing me to flirt with Mark, I thought he liked you.
Look, after what almost went down with Dixon, I am not about to lose another friend.
Okay, well then let's make a pact.
All right? Mark is off limits.
Okay, Mark is off limits.
Deal.
Divorce sucks, but it's the right thing.
Yeah, no, it is.
We're too young.
I'm gonna miss you, Naomi.
Dude, what's your problem? My problem is everyone asking me what my problem is.
That kid that I hit yesterday decided not to press charges, so I'm off the hook.
Hey, that's that's fantastic.
Our physics final's coming up.
Once you figure out the answers, just text them to the rest of the guys.
You need me to go.
Yeah, it's just that my stepson's gonna be home soon and Got it.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
They're withholding the semester grades because they know we were cheating.
It's gonna come out.
Everyone at Cronus is gonna be okay.
I've set Navid Shirazi up to take the fall for the whole thing.
Hey.
Thanks for stopping by.
Of course.
Hey, you mind if I use your shower while I'm here? Did you get sweaty on the way over or something? Our water heater at home is broken.
Instead of calling a professional repairman, Liam and Mark see it as a great opportunity to compare the size of their prowess at fixing things.
Anyway, what's up? I'm worried about Naomi.
She's been a little off the last couple of days.
And I think I figured out why.
I found this in the drawer.
Oh, man.
Her divorce papers? Yeah.
She hasn't said anything? No, she's just been moping around and watching TV.
Hasn't returned any calls for work.
Am I interrupting something? You know, we're here if you need to talk or if you're feeling depressed.
Why would you think I'm depressed? Um, well, why have you been ignoring your business calls? I was gonna get around to them.
Fine if you got a bee in your bonnet.
Wedding, wedding, engagement party another wedding.
Media company looking for a planner for unspecified events.
I will call Jordan Welland back right now.
Happy? If you are.
I couldn't be better.
I have work to do.
Biggest red flag? She hasn't even been plucking her eyebrows.
I know.
That means she's coming.
This is it.
Hey, guys, Michaela's flash mob video is, like, 750,000 After 14 hours of grueling labor views.
Oh, wow, that's great.
The baby's head begins to fully emerge.
Whoa, guys, are you actually watching this on purpose? Dixon, please! This is beautiful.
Do you want to feel the top of her head? Keep it going, that's great.
Okay, see, I'm not the only one who thinks this is disgusting.
She has morning sickness, you idiot.
Okay, well, this this can't be helping.
The morning sickness just started today.
Well, shouldn't it be ending soon? It's about to be noon.
I actually read that, uh, it doesn't always confine itself to the mornings.
- Awesome.
- I know.
It sucks, I'm sorry.
But, hey, I'm gonna be here for you.
Whatever you need.
I can't believe it's actually happening! I mean, we have a due date.
In eight months, I'm gonna be a mom.
A healthy baby boy, slick with Savannah's nurturing birth fluid.
Oh, okay, eight months.
Wow, well, um I got to go somewhere where this isn't happening.
Hey, what's up? Isn't this a little weird now? Living in the back of some guy's restaurant? No, I kind of like it.
It's cozy.
Oh, plus Mark and I made a deal.
I sign for all the shipments when he's not around and, uh, in exchange, I get all the free tacos I can eat.
Ah, but what he doesn't know is that, uh, I can eat a lot of tacos.
So, listen.
I heard Campbell saying some pretty messed up stuff the other day about how, uh, he and his friends have been doing some big cheating thing, and they're gonna pin the whole thing on you.
What? I guess those Cronus jerks really think they can get away with anything.
But I mean, but come on, making you the fall guy? You've never cheated a day in your life.
Who's gonna believe them? Yeah, yeah, that's the thing, Liam, um I did cheat.
- What are you talking about? - Well, I had a reason, - but - Well, what's the reason? I mean, you're, like, the smartest guy in school.
I I texted the Cronus guys the answers to the physics final.
It was the only way Simon agreed not to press charges against you.
What? N Navid, you you could take the fall for this as the ringleader.
I wish you would've told me.
It was my choice, but besides you have nothing to worry about.
I'm gonna go talk to the dean right now.
I'm gonna tell him exactly who's orchestrating the cheating.
What do you think he's gonna say? I I think he'll appreciate the honesty.
Hey, believe me everything's gonna be fine, okay? I'm gonna beat Campbell to the punch.
Yo, Annie, there's something wrong with the doorknob in your bathroom.
Shh, I know.
I I don't want Mark or Liam trying to fix it.
Uh, why not? I thought they were good at that kind of thing.
Well, they both have minor strengths as well as delusions of grandeur.
It's a bad combination, so I'm gonna call a repairmen.
Shh.
Hey, what brings you over here so early? Honestly, man, I just had to get out of the house.
Between Silver and Michaela, man, I feel like the whole house is pregnant.
You need a little estrogen break I get it.
These girls, they're great, but they can be a little overwhelming.
Tell me about it, man.
And you had that whole Annie, Naomi sister thing going on.
Exactly.
You and I have that in common, I guess.
At least the Annie part.
Does that kind of make us related? Yeah, yeah, I guess it does.
I mean, so so what are we? Like, uh, brothers twice removed or something? We're in a brotherly zone.
Yeah.
Let's call it faux bros.
Faux bros I like that.
So what do you say we make this faux bro-hood official, huh? Let's go out tonight, let's get some drinks.
Meet some girls.
You mean ones who aren't our sisters or their friends or their friend's pregnant surrogates? Yeah.
I'm liking the sound of this.
Yes.
I'm glad you called me back, Naomi.
I started my media company two years ago, and we are finally starting to get some real traction.
And we're looking to throw some events.
Uh, launches, premieres, that kind of thing.
Well, Jordan, I can assure you those type of high-end corporate events are right up my alley.
I can give you some references if you like.
Well, I don't need any references, I just want to make sure our parties are cool.
You know, not all stodgy and establishment.
That's why I came to you.
You know, we're both getting started the same time.
You're young, you're fun.
Single, huh? Not to make this all about your personal life, but who we are affects how we work.
Don't you think? - Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
So take a look at some of our projects and if you think it'll be a good fit, please give me a call.
Oh, I'm sure it's a perfect fit, but I will certainly look over this and get back to you with some of my super cool ideas that come so naturally to me.
Thank you for coming.
All right.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey.
You okay? No.
I don't think I am.
I'm not young and fun and single.
I'm divorced.
I'm a sad old divorcée.
Stop, okay? Can I make you some tea? I think Ivy left it behind it's nice, it's calming.
No, no tea.
I don't, I don't need that.
I'm not some pathetic hippy-dippy failure.
I just told you that I drank some.
If I'm gonna be able to plan the kind of party that Jordan wants, I'm gonna have to snap out of this.
So I'm going to go out.
I'm gonna do shots.
I'm gonna get crazy and you're gonna do it with me.
Naomi, are you sure this is what you need? No, I've never needed anything more in my life.
You have to call Annie and Silver, tell them to meet us.
Because tonight the real Naomi is back.
All right, thank you.
Well, what a coincidence.
What did you just tell the dean? Nothing much I just heard about this big cheating scandal and I wanted to make sure he knew Cronus had nothing to do with it.
What what are you talking about? You organized the whole thing.
You were texting out answers like crazy.
Okay, if that were true, why would I have just given the dean all of our phone records? He's already got proof that nobody in Cronus was involved.
You covered it up.
What, you used dummy phones? Wow, you should write spy novels, Shirazi, with all these crazy stories you're spinning.
All I know is my dad is on the board of trustees and has a whole building named after him.
So you really think the dean is gonna believe your story over mine? Anyway, I got to get going.
I got a big Cronus party tonight.
I would invite you, but you didn't want to be part of Cronus, remember? Which is too bad because we really would've had your back.
So it's cool for you to take a night off? - One of the benefits of running the place.
- Mm, yeah.
That and the free drinks.
So, after we finish this, you want to head out? Or we could stick around here for a bit longer.
Oh-ho.
That's my faux bro.
Getting it started early.
Okay, let's go.
Excuse me, ladies, uh Good evening.
Do you guys like, um uh origami? I'm not opposed to it.
Origami? Come on, man.
Oh, hey, you're a Nirvana fan? Who's Nirvana? Are are you serious? You know, I was supposed to make you a boat, but I changed my mind late in the game, and I decided to make you a mini coaster.
I'm clearly in the presence of a master.
And this master will buy you a drink.
I'm all for supporting Naomi, but it makes me really nervous, leaving Michaela at home after she's been so sick.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
Well, looks like people are rediscovering Nirvana.
Yeah, the smart ones are.
You two look nice.
Thank you.
But we are on a girls' night, so, we are going to go meet up with the girls.
Yep.
Oh my God, he is so cute.
We have to stay strong.
You know.
- And remember our pact not to get involved with him.
- Yes.
No guy is cute enough to come in between our friendship.
Again.
Absolutely.
Hey, is something bothering you? Besides the sex splinters? Yeah.
Actually, when I was sneaking out of your house the other day, I almost ran into your stepson.
Oh, crap, did he see you? No, but I did hear him talking on the phone about how he and his all friends have been cheating on their finals.
Really? That sounds like it could get them in some major trouble.
Yeah, except he's planning on framing my friend for it.
I I just feel like I should say something, you, know, help Navid out.
No, you can't do that.
If Campbell finds out you overheard him, then he would know that you were in the house.
What if he told my husband? Then maybe it would help you get that divorce you wanted.
No, it's not that simple.
My husband is incredibly jealous.
If he finds out about us, I don't know what he might do.
And, besides, it's your word against Campbell's.
Well, I feel like a jerk letting my friend take the fall for this.
Then don't.
Maybe you can't tell what you heard, but you can't let Campbell get away with this.
You have to figure out some other way to prove that Campbell was cheating.
I cannot believe you brought that homeopathic tea with you.
It's so stupid.
It's kind of addictive.
And I'm the designated driver.
I would not complain if I were you.
Whatever, as long as you don't let it hold you back.
Tonight is very special.
It's all about us getting back to the way we used to be.
- So, no talking about babies.
- Who, me? Or how hard it is to live with your ex-boyfriend who is incredibly hot.
Or divorce.
Are you sure you don't want to talk about the divorce at all? I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about it.
Instead, I propose a toast.
To dropping our hideous baggage and returning to our young, fun, single selves.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Ade? Ade? Ade.
Ade, wake up, wake up.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? Where ? What happened? I don't know.
Why are you wearing a veil? What? What veil? What, what, no, no No.
No.
No.
Oh, my God, no.
What the hell happened last night? Annie, please call me as soon as you get this.
I have a very big problem.
What? Did you find the rando guy I married? No, I just saw my hair.
Who would do this to me? And why would I have let them? The whole night is a blur.
But you weren't even drinking.
I know, I guess that tea I was sipping on was a little bit more than calming.
I wonder if I can get an appointment with my colorist.
No, no, Ade, listen, you can deal with your skunk hair later.
I have an emergency.
If I got married, I have to get it annulled, like, now.
Otherwise, I have to get divorced, again.
I mean, it's bad enough being defined as a divorcée, but a two-time divorcée, I can't handle that.
Okay, well, we'll find out if you actually got married.
And if so, to who.
Okay, well, I already checked my phone and Facebook and there are no leads at all, so, please tell me you remember something, anything.
Okay uh, we were at the Offshore, you guys took some shots Yeah.
We went to a male strip club.
Oh, fantastic.
Which one? Uh, it had a name like Buttocks, or No Thighs? Ham Hocks.
Ham Hocks? - Haunches! - Yes, yes, Haunches, Haunches.
All right, round up Annie and Silver.
Have them meet us there, okay, let's go.
Adrianna, emergency.
Okay.
Okay.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I had a really good time last night.
Yeah, me, too.
And thanks for being so cool about us not hooking up.
I just, I have this rule about not sleeping with guys the same night that I meet them.
I get it.
You would much rather know someone first.
Exactly.
Mm-hmm.
But since, technically, it's not the same night that we met anymore Mmm.
Man, I love a good technicality.
Is someone throwing up in your living room? Yep.
Stay right there.
Don't don't move.
Hey, buddy.
Look, I'm actually not alone right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's it's cool.
God, morning sickness sucks.
I'm either nauseous or I'm craving foods I thought I hated.
Wait, morning sickness? She's pregnant? Uh, yeah, yeah she is.
But but it's it's, it's not mine.
It's it's not even hers.
I don't even know her that well.
It's a long, complicated, boring story.
We shouldn't even talk about it.
- Maybe we should go get some breakfast.
- No way.
But, it's not my baby.
No, I mean, I'm not going to leave her here like this.
My sister just had a baby, and she had really bad morning sickness for, like, two months.
She basically lived on crackers.
Crackers sound really gross right now.
It's fine, really, I'm okay.
Please don't change your plans because of me.
I'm just going to sit here with my bucket.
See, she's fine.
Maybe we should just Oh, no.
No, no, no, you're not getting rid of me that easily.
Dixon, we're going to need a cool, damp washcloth and a box of saltines.
I don't think we have any.
Then you're going to have to run out and get some.
Then I'm going to have to run out and get some.
Holy mackerel.
You back already? You remember me? How could I forget you? I had to forcibly remove you from the stage, like, three times.
Sorry about that.
So, listen, did you happen to see me leave here with anyone last night? Leave? I thought you'd never leave.
I mean, you were all over the dancers and said you were tired of going home alone.
But no, I didn't see you leave.
Oh, my God, I might have married one of those? Funny, you didn't strike me as the marrying kind.
I wouldn't think so, either, but apparently I am.
I need every single one of these beefcakes' phone numbers, pronto.
Oh, my God.
Listen, man, uh, I I think I am going to need your help after all.
You know that thing you heard Campbell say? Turns out it's, uh, the only evidence I got.
Yeah, man, I'm I'm really sorry but I I can't tell anyone about that.
Why not? Because of how I overheard him.
I was in his house, with his stepmom.
Sydney.
Wait, our our investor uh, who you're having an affair with, is is also Campbell's stepmom? Yeah.
You're literally sleeping with the enemy.
Whoa, hey, she's not the enemy; Campbell is.
She thinks we should find some other evidence to show that he's guilty.
Okay, wow, uh, well, I guess it's possible that one of the Cronus guys still has one of the dummy cell phones they used for the cheating.
That's what we'll look for.
But how? Those guys won't even let me near them.
They might still be willing to hang out with me.
Hey.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Annie's not answering her phone, which is weird, and Naomi needs us at a strip club right away.
I'm sorry, what? Yeah, she thinks she got married and she doesn't remember.
- Your hair - Mm, don't.
Okay, um, I'm going to get my stuff.
So, I'm assuming you don't know anything either? Hey, where did you go? You disappeared last night after the Offshore.
Yeah, no, I, um, I checked on Michaela and she was craving cheese puffs, so I ran out to bring her some.
When I came back you guys were already gone.
I called your cell phones.
Nobody was picking up, so I just came home and went to bed.
Really? Alone? What, this is mine.
I just rarely wear it, because it's so ugly.
Silver, I woke up with Bride of Frankenstein hair.
At least let me vicariously live through your hook up.
Come on, tell me who it is.
Doesn't Naomi need our help? Fine, don't tell me.
Oh, is it that beer delivery guy with the awesome arms? So, you're sure you and I didn't get married last night? Um, yeah.
I mean, you're good looking and all, but why would I tie myself down like that? You're so right.
The world is your oyster, here at Haunches.
Oh, man, your hair looks awesome.
Mauricio nailed it.
I always have him do my frosted tips.
Who's Mauricio? He's one of the dancers here.
You don't remember him? You two went back to your place together so he could do your hair.
Wait, wait, did I marry Mauricio? Oh, no, he's already married.
His husband is the bomb.
Makes a great guacamole.
Great, so I didn't marry any of the strippers.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Wow, you guys really went for it last night.
Oh, and like you didn't, little miss hook up with mysterious jacket guy.
Yeah, whatever.
How about this? Flashing of the boobs.
Nice shot.
Nice work, you guys.
Can I see that for a second? These are not my boobs.
- Then whose are they? - Oh, that's those other two girls.
You know, your friends, the ones from TV.
I don't have friends from TV.
From that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
You left here with them.
- What? - I can't believe you don't remember.
You were seriously bonding with them.
You kept calling yourselves the three divorcées.
Kind of like the three amigos, I guess, but sadder.
Adrianna, get me a list of the housewives.
We're gonna find those bitches.
Based on which Beverly Hills housewives were actually in town last night, and which ones are also divorced, it has to be Brandi and Camille.
Their publicists said they come here every day.
Though I'm not quite sure what this place is.
It's Bolates.
You get Botox and Pilates all in one.
Clearly the stripper blew our so-called bonding out of proportion.
I mean, if I left with the housewives, I was probably just helping them get home like a Girl Scout.
Otherwise, what do I possibly have in common with them? Oh, my God.
Our sister from another mister.
Court! I didn't know you were still interested Cronus.
You kind of dropped off the face of the earth.
I've been busy with some stuff lately, but yeah, I'm definitely interested.
Even though your buddy, Shirazi, told us to suck it? Man, that guy's an idiot.
I don't care what he thinks.
Oh, so you're like, not friends with Shirazi anymore? Never really was.
Well, in that case, have a seat.
You have great timing.
Tonight is initiation night - for Cronus.
- What's up? All right.
Yo, yo.
Hey.
I basically bought the store out of saltines.
So I hope they do the trick.
Where's Helen? Oh, I sent her out to get me some soup I was craving.
Why didn't you text me? I could've got it.
No, you couldn't have.
It's this special soup, Peruvian soup, made from llama's milk.
You can only get it at this one place in Simi Valley that I completely made up.
- Oh, okay, why? - I'm sorry, Dixon, I know you guys were hitting it off, but if I had to listen to one more story about her pregnant sister's delicate esophagus, I was gonna punch her in the face.
Ew.
Nobody seems to believe this, but I don't actually want to think about pregnancy 24-7.
You don't? No.
Especially when it's not even my own baby.
I mean, like, don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy to be doing this, but it's taking over my entire life.
Taking over? It's taking over my entire life.
I really am sorry.
It's not your fault.
But really? The birthing videos? Oh, freaking disgusting.
I know, right? Look, I I get it.
Babies are supposed to be beautiful, and the whole nine yards, but seeing a baby come out it's it's like that scene in Alien.
Exactly.
Oh, I love Alien.
Me, too.
You want to watch it? I got it on Blu-ray.
Hell yeah.
But you know what I want to do first? Throw up? No, get a giant plate of nachos.
I'm in a craving phase.
You're a genius.
Let's go.
So what happened was we were watching a movie on my phone.
And one of the strippers kept bragging about this porno he was in.
Yeah.
And we thought, what the heck, let's check it out.
And it was a complete rip-off of my favorite movie.
Corporate Invaders.
I'm a huge Liam Court fan.
- Aren't we all? - And that's what I was saying to Cam, I was like, "Oh, my God, yeah, the stripper's like, well-endowed and whatnot, but Liam is so much hotter.
" And your friend, the little one, was like, "I live with Liam.
" Party time.
So we all jumped into my Bentley and went to Liam's house.
But he wasn't home, so I was really sad.
- You were sad.
- I was sad.
So we decided to watch The First Wives Club.
That always makes her feel better.
But it seemed like the movie was getting you upset.
You said that you didn't want to be a divorcée because you didn't want it to define you.
Yeah, we told you it won't entirely.
I mean, it definitely changes the way people see you.
Because you're not yourself anymore, and your not somebody's wife.
You're somebody's ex-wife.
Exactly.
Well, thank you for all of this incredible support, but we actually want to know if at some point last night I, um, married someone? I have no idea.
I went to the bathroom, and when I came out again, you were gone.
She was in the one bathroom, and that little, tiny girl was in the other bathroom, and I had to go so bad, I just couldn't hold it any longer, so I popped a squat in the backyard.
Oh, my God.
No, don't worry.
No one saw me.
I know why Annie's not returning our calls.
I think she's trapped.
Thank you both.
We have to go.
What a hot mess those three are.
Yeah.
What about the other new members? Don't they have to be initiated, too? They did this weeks ago, when you'd gone AWOL.
Well, it looks like I have some catching up to do.
Whoa, easy.
- Dude, slow down.
- Wow.
Not bad.
Well, I do own a bar.
So if this is one big drinking contest So you're not feeling challenged enough.
Well, you will be happy to know that this is just part one.
What's part two? Nothing much.
Just a refreshing little stroll up here.
Annie? Oh, my God, we're terrible friends.
She could be dead in there.
At least she has water.
Seriously? It took you guys 18 hours to realize I was missing? Ugh.
I really hope that is the closest I ever get to 127 Hours.
Stupid doorknob.
Why didn't I just let Liam and Mark fix it? Or if you were stuck in there all night, why didn't you just yell? I tried, but my voice was a little bit shot from yelling all night at strippers to show me the goods.
I got a little carried away.
- We all did.
- Eventually, it got quiet, so I thought you guys had left, and Liam and Mark never came home last night.
So basically, you have no idea where I went.
I assumed you went home to put on sweatpants and cry.
You seemed pretty shaken up by that ridiculous movie.
So, breaking you out of the bathroom was completely pointless.
All right, I'll just go back in there, but this time, I'm definitely taking my phone.
Annie, I'm sorry, I just I'm never gonna find that idiot that I married, and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life as a pathetic, bitter double-divorcée.
I might as well give up now.
I wish I could help you.
And maybe I can, because at 4:17 a.
m.
, I got an e-nnouncement from Lala's All-Night Wedding Chapel.
Let me see that! You married your brother? Wow.
Are you happy now? Me? I'm great, but you're still not getting into Cronus.
What the hell, man? I just put my life on the line.
And you did a decent job, but you walking on some ledge, while extremely entertaining, doesn't prove that you're not friends with Shirazi.
With Navid since he leaked a sex tape of mine and he ruined a relationship.
He's a dick.
So I don't know what your plans with him are, but personally, I would be thrilled to see him get what he deserves.
What do I have to do to make you believe me? Give me your phone.
Mmm.
Mmm.
These nachos are beautifully balanced.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
With the layering and everything.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm telling you, my faux bro knows how to do it.
I'm actually about to get something to drink.
- You want something? - Ginger ale, please and thank you.
Gotcha.
Hey, uh, two ginger ales.
Hey, man.
I didn't even notice - you were here.
- Hey, what's going on? Not much, uh, getting some nachos with Michaela, then going back to the house and watching Alien.
Sounds like a pretty good date.
What? No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
This is this is not a date, dude.
We're just hanging out.
She's just a really cool girl.
So dinner and a movie with a really cool girl is not a date? Look, man, you don't have to worry about anything.
Michaela and I were a one-time thing.
I'm happy for you, man.
Oh, it's Liam.
Looks like he came through.
I got to go.
Okay.
And here you go.
Thanks, man.
Hey.
Thanks.
What, are there no free refills? Uh, no.
No, seriously, what? Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nachos.
Yes! Okay, obviously I didn't marry you, so please tell me what the hell happened last night.
I'm not surprised you don't remember.
You were fairly obliterated when you called.
I called you? From a convenience store.
You were crying into a pint of butter pecan, so I drove over, and we talked, and then you got married to yourself.
I married myself? Well, I guess it makes a sad kind of sense.
I must have realized no one else would want to be with a failure like me.
Like I told you last night, you are blowing this whole divorcée thing way out of proportion.
Thank you, Mark, but you don't know what it's like.
I do.
I felt the exact same way after my divorce.
Wait.
You're divorced? I didn't know that.
It's not like we have to wear a big red "D" on all our clothes.
I know.
Well, I feel like I am.
I tried to go out last night, be the old Naomi, young, carefree, fun.
But instead, I ended up drunk, bitter, watching First Wives Club with a bunch of other divorcées.
And I might as well tattoo the big "D" right here on my forehead.
First of all, you have been divorced for, like, ten minutes, and you need to stop beating the crap out of yourself.
You are young and strong and beautiful and smart.
And you've got your whole life ahead of you.
Your divorce is just a, a tiny piece of it.
You really believe that? Yes.
You just need to give it some time.
At least, that's what worked for me.
And as cheesy as it sounds, I had to learn to love myself a little before I could even think about getting back out there.
But that should be easy for you.
You're pretty lovable.
I suppose you told me all this last night? I did.
And then you spotted the wedding chapel and had the great idea to marry yourself.
It wasn't out of self-pity.
It was out of something more like hope.
Thank you for being there for me last night.
And right now.
That's what brothers are for.
Hey, I got your text.
Hey! What's going on?! You've been trying to prove all night that you're not loyal to Shirazi.
Here's your chance.
You want me to hit him? That is your strong suit, isn't it? Plus he deserves it.
Come on, Fight Club, you can do a little better than that.
Unless there's something holding you back.
Liam, please don't do this.
Hey, I've known you since high school.
Come on, man.
Wow.
I'm just glad you're feeling better.
Ugh! Talking to Mark last night really helped.
It's nice to have a brother you can count on.
And one who helped us solve your mystery.
Though we still haven't identified Silver's mystery hook up.
It's my jacket, Adrianna.
How many times do I have to tell you? M'kay.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
I gotta run.
I'm heading to my hair appointment.
In spite of all the fiascoes, we should do girls' night more often.
See you.
Oh.
There's still one thing I can't figure out.
Mark said I called him that night, and the last call I had on my phone history was you.
Oh, that's weird.
Yeah, and I probably just deleted it.
But I am going to call Jordan back.
I figure best way to start getting over my divorce, secure a hot new client.
Hello, Jordan? Naomi Clark.
Yeah, I was just calling because I have a few ideas I think you're gonna go crazy for.
Hi.
Thanks.
I didn't think to grab it.
When you left my place to go meet Naomi? And here I've been thinking that was just your M.
O.
: slipping away in the middle of the night while your conquest lay sleeping.
I really didn't want to leave.
Sorry I answered your phone, by the way.
It was 3:00 in the morning.
I wasn't thinking.
It's okay.
I don't think Naomi knows.
If you don't want her to know, I won't tell her.
Thanks.
But actually, there is someone who I do have to tell.
Ugh! I never thought living with two guys would be the thing that forced me to learn home repair skills.
Anyway, how did your big night out with Mark go? Did you meet someone special? Yeah, yeah, kind of.
Really? That's awesome! Yeah, I guess it is.
It's, um but it's complicated.
Yeah.
How's it feel? Not great.
So I checked some of the Cronus guys' phones last night.
I couldn't find anything.
I really appreciate it, man.
All of it.
Because if this doesn't work, I'll be expelled.
And my whole future will be over.
Hey, I'll find something.
I will.
No, you have to be careful, man.
If the Cronus guys find out you're lying to them, they'll do something way worse to you than you did to me.
- Hey, Ade.
- Hey.
You know, it's weird, now that my hair's back to normal, I kind of miss the skunk stripes.
Okay, look, I need to talk to you about something that happened the other night.
When I went back to the Offshore and you guys were already gone, I ended up talking to Mark for, like, a really long time.
And we just we really connected.
And he ended up coming home with me.
And if that bothers you, then I will never see him again.
'Cause we made a pact I broke the pact, and I'm really sorry.
Ade.
I am.
I'm really sorry, and I hope that you can forgive me.
It's fine.
Really? Silver, you've forgiven me for a whole lot worse.
Besides, I think it was actually really brave of you to tell the truth.
So, we're good? Yeah.
I mean, why wouldn't we be? All right, awesome.
Thank you.
I like you hair like this.