About a Boy (2014) s01e06 Episode Script
About a Buble
Oh-ho! Who's that guy with the spring in his step? It's me, Will.
Probably don't recognize me with my key, my own key.
So the mom is finally loosening the old noose, huh? Her new job has forced the issue.
- She has to stay late.
- Oh, cool.
What are you gonna do with your newfound independence? You gonna rock and roll all night? Kiss? No? Yeah, probably beyond your frame of reference.
I am not taking this responsibility lightly, Will.
Freedom can not be bestowed.
It must be achieved.
Elbert Hubbard? Writer, philosopher? It's probably beyond your frame of reference.
Well, could elbert Hubbard do this? Ahh Ow.
Yes! Ha ha! Wake up, a brand-new day Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh I walk in the sunshine - [Dog barks on television.]
- Cartoons.
Mwah! - Just watch me now - [Phone line ringing.]
Just watch me now, just watch me now [Telephone ringing.]
Morganics Toy company, where nature meets nurture.
Hello, mother.
I have arrived home safely.
Oh, thank God.
You didn't have any trouble getting in, did you? - Nope.
- You gonna make yourself a nice, healthy snack now, are you? Um, I was just grabbing a vitamin C packed orange.
I know how you struggle getting the peel started.
- Do you want me to come home? - No, you just focus on work.
I'll just I'll I'll clean up when I'm done, and I'll fold the laundry in the basket.
You're such a dear, sweetheart.
[Grunts.]
How about there? [Glass shatters.]
Is that better? - Works for me.
- [Chuckles angrily.]
If you weren't my wife, I'd fire you.
Oh, if it weren't for prison, I would kill you.
Ha! Darling, something's happening here.
It isn't very nurturing or very natural.
I'm gonna have to go.
I just want to say one thing to you, darling.
Leaving you by yourself every day, it's not that easy for me.
It just it means a lot that I can focus on my work without worrying that it's causing you any lasting psychological trauma.
I'm so proud of you.
You're such a sweet, self-reliant, lovely little man, and I love you.
Go rock that office manager's job.
Bye.
Will! [Siren wailing.]
Knife in the foot! Knife in the foot! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Valid form of I.
D.
And insurance.
- Do you not see? - Yes, I do.
Valid form of I.
D.
and insurance.
He's losing feeling! He's losing feeling! We got a runner.
- [Squeals.]
- Oh, no! I need a doctor! Help! Help! I need a doctor! Oh, good.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Uh-oh.
What do we have here? - I'm Will.
- [Chuckles.]
How you doing, buddy? - Any numbness? - A little.
[Clears throat.]
- Little bit.
- [Chuckles.]
Here we go.
[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog).]
Well, maybe it's the common curse Maybe things get bad before they get worse I don't want to become someone Who can't live up to what I already done, don't Here comes a comeback The kid is back, is back on track And there goes my hero He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and [Cheers and applause.]
You know, it's a good thing that your dad was home when this happened.
Oh, no, no, no, not a dad.
I'm just a concerned neighbor concerned single neighbor.
Then it's a good thing that your neighbor was home.
Well, Will's always home.
Gives us plenty of time to bro down and hang and see what kind of justice judge Judy's gonna hammer out.
Good kid.
So what is it exactly you do, Will, that allows you all this time to "bro down"? Well, he's a songwriter, a really popular one.
Oh, Marcus, take it easy, all right? Beautiful women don't like to hear about how popular guys are or the fact that they have 12% body fat.
You're really a songwriter? Oh, you're just gonna blow over the whole body-fat thing.
Have you written anything that I know? You totally would.
Have you ever heard of Shh, shh, Marcus, Marcus.
You're losing blood, man, when you talk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dr.
Lake? They need you for a minute in room four.
Be right back.
Whoop.
Marcus, we never talk about Runaway Sleigh.
Was it a hit song? Yes.
Did it make me a lot of money? A ton.
But it's not really how I want to be seen as a songwriter.
- Why not? - It's not cool, man.
And I really want Dr.
Smoke Show to, uh to think of me as cool.
- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.
No.
[Clears throat.]
So, uh, who have you written for? Only some of today's coolest artists.
- Marcus.
- Like who? Have you ever heard of Michael Bublé? Seriously? Michael Bublé? - I have Bublé'd.
- Never really been a fan.
[Door opens.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Doctor, is he going to walk again? - Yes.
- Does he need a blood transfusion? Because I have the same blood type as him.
- Mom.
- Mummy has the blood.
- The nurse will be right in.
- Shh, darling, hold me.
- Let me heal you.
Shh.
- Mo-mom! We're gonna pick up some herbs on the way home, and we're gonna burn that shoe in a sacred ceremony of healing.
Excuse me, Dr.
Lake? Do you have a quick sec? I have the first wave of a multi-casualty incident arriving in three minutes.
I would say that we got a nice little time crunch here.
Wow.
You're an incredibly fast Walker.
High-school track, all-state.
Oh, really? I played baseball all-county.
But it was a very big county.
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
- Uh, w-what? - I'm sorry.
I get incredibly blunt when I'm tired.
I'm just coming off a double, and the coffee here tastes like roasted goat hoof.
I made that coffee you just insulted.
Sorry, Bev.
You know I have that "inappropriately blunt when tired" thing.
I love you.
Not the coffee, but you.
- Where were we? - Sex with me.
Oh, yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Look, you're incredibly tall, and you have an unusually fluffy head of hair, which, I'm not gonna lie, turns me on.
And your man pecs are like Greek art.
You really are blunt when you're tired.
I kind of want to keep you awake for 12 hours to see how deep, you know, this rabbit hole goes.
- I'm an emergency-room doctor.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I don't have time right now for man pecs unless they're impaled with some sort of blunt-force instrument.
Yeah, it was nice meeting you, Will.
- Hey, Will? - Yes? Please make sure that Marcus keeps his stitches clean and dry.
Right.
Clean and dry.
Who's Marcus? She says the hospital coffee tastes like goat hooves.
Hoof, goat hoof.
Like the singular of goat hooves.
I mean, it was the cutest thing ever.
What's cute about "goat hoof"? Nothing the way you say it.
[Sighs.]
You and an E.
R.
doctor.
What is wrong with me and an E.
R.
doctor? This woman has brains.
She has a PhD in seeing through your bullcrap.
There was a definite spark, okay? She's just too busy for a relationship right now.
She blew you off.
Total blow-off.
Andy? - Well, it might be - Women like her don't date guys who lay around playing video games all day and lie about writing songs for Michael Bublé.
I didn't lie.
Marcus did.
I just confirmed it.
Why don't you just go back to the hospital and tell her the truth? The truth? That I wrote a Christmas song eight years ago and haven't written anything since? Honestly, Andy, you'd have a better chance with her.
Andy's taken.
I will kill you if you stray.
- I will kill you.
- Women crave honesty, Will.
We do.
God, I'm so proud of how you're starting to evolve.
- Thanks.
- Truth.
The truth.
Wow, man.
I'm really blowing my mind right now.
I'm on the gravel.
I'm on the walkway Walking down the walkway, going up the stairs.
All right, mother, I'm safely on our property.
Can I sign off now? [Sighs.]
It's getting better You look tired, darling.
Is everything okay? Hello! Surprise.
It's your mummy.
[Chuckles.]
I figured out a way for us to be together all the time.
- Isn't that great? - It's It's just great.
And I left you some precut orange wedges right there.
You don't have to cut anything.
I hid all the knives anyway.
[Laughs.]
Don't look for them.
[Sighs.]
I told him he couldn't stay here, but then he said he loved my coffee.
You are too easy.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
What are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you about the Michael Bublé thing.
- I, um - Yeah.
Look, I apologize.
I was rude.
Um But the fact that you write for somebody who connects with that many people, it's really impressive.
Okay, but here's the thing.
I mean, maybe, you know, Bublé isn't exactly my taste, but, I mean, you're a professional songwriter.
It's not like you're writing jingles for dog-food ads or some one-hit wonder or something.
You know, you're a working professional The real deal.
It's very cool.
So did you come here to play me something? You know, it can wait.
I just I'm not really feeling the acoustics of this room.
It feels flat to me.
Ah Yeah, it's it's very flat.
- Come on, play me something.
- It's late.
There are people sleeping.
I don't know.
There's only room 6, and she's knocked out, so Something that you've written, maybe not Bublé.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Let's see here.
Um - No Bublé.
- No.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, little girl with the crooked smile You got a love so warm, make my heart so wild Oh-oh, yeah And I will follow you To the end of the world Jump off the edge - I love that song.
- You know that song? I totally know that song.
It's Rivvers.
You know Rivvers? Nobody knows Rivvers.
I love Rivvers.
They used to be River Shiver.
That's like knowing Beck before - Beck was Beck.
- It's the work of genius.
You mean the work of your genius.
Right.
I mean, I think the thing is, like, I give them the words, and they kind of, you know, do their thing with it, so it's Oh, I feel like we just had [Clears throat.]
[Chuckles.]
God, I need to work on this blunt thing.
Do you want to grab a bite with me, Dr.
Lake? I definitely want to grab a bite with you.
- And it's Sam.
- Okay, Sam.
Oh, and I'm a huge sports fan Niners, not Raiders, "A"s, not Giants, which, by the way, are total deal breakers.
I will not exchange bodily fluids with a Raiders fan under any condition whatsoever.
- Wow.
- What? You are incredible.
Hey, you got a little Mustard.
What about now? [Laughs.]
Nope.
Yeah.
What about you? I like to ambush women at their place of work Mm-hmm.
Buy them fast-food burgers at late-night drive-throughs, and then bring them to dimly lit city parks and endanger their safety.
[Laughs.]
You think any of those paddleboats are unlocked? [Both laughing.]
Uh, um, 2% whole milk.
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- So good.
- Okay, okay.
I got another one.
All right.
Here we go.
Favorite John Hughes movie? - No brainer.
Breakfast Club.
- Yes.
Seriously, the first time I saw that movie, I practiced the whole "Molly Ringwald lipstick between the boobs" thing for, like, a week.
I really like thinking about that.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
My friend Andy told me that's the hill that if you climb, that's the best view of the city.
Want to go up? I kind of like the view right here.
[Acoustic indie rock.]
You in the red boat, put your hands in the air and your feet off the pedals, now.
- It's the paddleboat police.
- What do we do? What do we do? Take your feet off the pedals.
I'm not going to paddleboat jail.
Paddle! Paddle, paddle, paddle.
Get your feet off the pedals.
- Go! He's gaining! - He's gaining! Whoo! Eat our wake! [Laughs.]
"Will's perfect girl.
" I can't believe you've had this since you were ten.
- I'm making a point here.
Read.
- "Number one no braces.
" - I assume that's a gimme.
- Check.
"Number two looks like Christie Brinkley "or Kelly Lebrock or a combination of their best parts.
" - What, no Elle MacPherson? - Oh, turn the page.
Mm? - Oh.
- Ah.
Okay.
"Number three has boobs.
" Check, but let's move down the list.
"Loves the "A"s, not the Giants"? Check, and likes the Niners, not the Raiders, check.
- Really? - Honestly, man.
If you look at the whole thing, she checks off every single thing on the list.
- She's perfect.
- Wow.
Okay, you really like this girl.
I mean, she's amazing.
Really, she's amazing.
That's fantastic.
Honestly, it's terrifying, dude.
My life is perfect as it is, right? I have freedom.
I have fun.
I have money.
And, yes, like, eventually, I want to settle down and have someone that, you know, I care about, but, like, why would I want to complicate my life with with - Love.
- Do not use that word.
- It's love.
- It's so early.
What are you talking about? Come on, then what is it, then, if it's not love? She's just different.
Will, we need to talk.
Where did you come from? - The wall.
Get over it.
- Not now, Marcus.
I'm in the middle of an existential crisis here.
I'm having an existential crisis of my own.
Wait.
Do you even know what "existential" means? Does Will? I am a captive in my own house, Will.
I went from limited freedom to complete lockdown, all because of one self-stabbing.
Marcus, if you want your mother to think that you're mature, you got to tell her how you feel.
You got to say, like, you know, that that she's in that she's incredible, I mean, that you never felt this way about anyone before, ever.
He's not talking about your mom anymore.
Thank you, captain obvious.
So how's my favorite patient doing? - I'm - He's a bit constipated.
Probably unrelated, but you're the doctor.
- [Cell phone ringing.]
- Hold on.
Morganic Toys, where nature meets nurture.
Um, hold on.
I'm afraid my injury has sent her into a working-mother guilt spiral that has manifested itself into a state of overprotectiveness.
Sounds rough.
So, um, how is Will doing? Just as amazing as every other day.
He is pretty great, isn't he? Wait, wait.
Who's great? Who's great? Will.
It's like when we were dreaming who we would live next to, we didn't know to dream this big.
Yeah, I hear you.
You know, you're really lucky that he was home.
Must have been pretty scary being home alone with a knife in your foot.
[Sarcastically.]
Oh, yeah, we're really lucky that Will lives next door to us doing nothing all day long while some of us have to work for a living.
I would think he'd be pretty busy writing songs for Michael Bublé and Rivvers.
Is Will writing music again? Oh, my God.
Blimey.
He hasn't had a job for years.
I just thought he was lazy.
[Bruno Mars' Treasure.]
Hi holy smoke, you look good.
- Come on in.
- Hi.
- It's good to see you.
- [Exhales deeply.]
Cheers.
When you're mine, all mine Mine, all mine, treasure I can't believe that this sheet music is something that Rivvers might be singing one day.
- It's pretty unbelievable.
- Will you play me something? This Chinese, uh, gets cold real quickly.
It's not like other Chinese foods.
Listen, today I removed a screwdriver from a 300-pound man.
- I'm not saying from where.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm just saying I deserve a little joy in my life.
Joy.
Yeah.
Sure thing.
You know, I don't normally like to show people anything until it's done, you know, so I promise not to judge Unless, of course, it's really bad.
[Chuckles.]
All right.
[Plays piano key.]
A little intro action.
- [Mid-tempo beat playing.]
- And this stays like this.
You kind of got to imagine it right at - [Rapid beat playing.]
- This point.
You know, you're gonna get a urban v-v-v.
That part, I-I'll still working on that.
But here we go.
[Playing mellow tune.]
There's a fire in my head There's a candle in my soul There's two little boys Playing ping-pong with All this rock and roll A little motorboat Next to play-doh on the shelf A tiny sailboat With silver balls Next to the little boys playing ping-pong late at night Seriously? - Are you even a songwriter? - [Chuckles.]
Have you been lying to me, Will? Great.
[Plays off-key chord.]
Sam, wait.
I've never written for Rivvers or Bublé, okay? But I really am a songwriter.
I'm not currently writing anything, per se, now, but Goodbye, Will.
[Door slams.]
[Exhales.]
Oh, hey, Will, are you grilling? If you are, I wouldn't say no to a burger.
I'm not grilling, Marcus.
I'm metaphorically burning my hopes and dreams.
Is there room for a burger? I can't be outside of my Skype radius for more than three minutes, though, so make it quick.
Marcus, you know you can't live like this, man.
Neither can you.
Don't give up on trying to find the perfect girl.
I'm not giving up on finding the perfect girl.
I found her.
It's just I'm not the perfect guy.
Do you get it? You're perfect to me.
Thank you, Marcus.
That means Well, nothing, really, but it was really nice of you to say.
Will, hang on.
Part of what makes you perfect to me is that you've let me see the real you.
You're totally flawed kind of a mess, really but we all are one way or another.
If this is really the perfect girl, she'll love you, flaws and all.
You know, Marcus, I think you're more of an adult than you or your mom realize.
Oh, good boy.
Good boy, doing your homework.
[Gasps.]
It's on a loop! - Fiona? - We need you to park these.
It's on a loop.
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm gonna have to step out for a minute.
Another emergency? Like when your son "stabbed" himself? Fiona, this is becoming untenable.
We need you.
No, my little boy needs me more.
No, he does not.
You took him out of the house unauthorized.
And this whole computer stunt that was all you as well, wasn't it? Let's just dial back the crazy a little bit.
- I'm just his ride.
- Listen, mom We need to talk.
- Okay.
- [Sighs.]
I wish we could spend every single second of every single day together, but it's just not realistic.
Or normal.
Since you started working more hours, I've been having a lot of guilt.
I know your head is home with me when it should be here at work.
No, no, darling, that's not true.
- It's totally true.
- It is, very much so.
Well, maybe it's a bit true.
So, I mean, is it a crime to want to spend all my time with my little baby? I'm not your little baby anymore.
I'm your prepubescent tween.
I know you are.
I just I love you so much.
And I'm sorry that I hold on so tight.
[Straining.]
I love you, mom Flaws and all.
- There you go.
- Oh, lover boy is here.
And I don't think he's here for my coffee.
You are correct, Bev.
I have something I need to say to Sam.
I am a songwriter, okay? I wrote a famous Christmas song.
Ooh, I'm gonna Google that.
I wrote it eight years ago, and I haven't written anything since.
There's a million excuses why, but the real reason I haven't written anything is that I'm just I'm scared that, um that I'll fail and that I'm not good.
Hi.
How you doing? I'll be with you in one minute.
- Hmm.
- Anyway I just wanted you to know that, 'cause I really haven't told anyone that before except you and all these drunk, sickly, and injured people.
Um, Sam, I like you.
I like you a lot, and I hope you'll give me another chance.
Oh, and you wanted me to sing you a song that I wrote.
After school one winter day I came across a big red sleigh Broken down on highway 63 Cursing it with all his might A man whose face I knew on sight He wrote this song.
And smile at me I'm guessing you are nine or ten And I can fly my sleigh again If you find it in your heart to believe All: won't you ride In my runaway sleigh? The reindeer might be biting But they still know the way And we can fly these presents To the good girls and the boys And we'll all have A merry Christmas [Pa system beeps.]
Blue team to I.
C.
U.
Please.
Blue team, I.
C.
U.
That's for you.
You have an emergency.
Okay.
But even so It gave me pause Something in this picture seemed so wrong His suit was wrinkled, full of holes His shoes untied, his cheeks had moles And I swear I saw him sipping something strong All: won't you ride In my runaway sleigh? We're missing a few seat belts But hold on, we're on our way And we can fly these presents To the good girls and the boys And we'll all have a merry Christmas Yeah! [Cheers and applause.]
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! [Retching.]
Orderly?
Probably don't recognize me with my key, my own key.
So the mom is finally loosening the old noose, huh? Her new job has forced the issue.
- She has to stay late.
- Oh, cool.
What are you gonna do with your newfound independence? You gonna rock and roll all night? Kiss? No? Yeah, probably beyond your frame of reference.
I am not taking this responsibility lightly, Will.
Freedom can not be bestowed.
It must be achieved.
Elbert Hubbard? Writer, philosopher? It's probably beyond your frame of reference.
Well, could elbert Hubbard do this? Ahh Ow.
Yes! Ha ha! Wake up, a brand-new day Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh I walk in the sunshine - [Dog barks on television.]
- Cartoons.
Mwah! - Just watch me now - [Phone line ringing.]
Just watch me now, just watch me now [Telephone ringing.]
Morganics Toy company, where nature meets nurture.
Hello, mother.
I have arrived home safely.
Oh, thank God.
You didn't have any trouble getting in, did you? - Nope.
- You gonna make yourself a nice, healthy snack now, are you? Um, I was just grabbing a vitamin C packed orange.
I know how you struggle getting the peel started.
- Do you want me to come home? - No, you just focus on work.
I'll just I'll I'll clean up when I'm done, and I'll fold the laundry in the basket.
You're such a dear, sweetheart.
[Grunts.]
How about there? [Glass shatters.]
Is that better? - Works for me.
- [Chuckles angrily.]
If you weren't my wife, I'd fire you.
Oh, if it weren't for prison, I would kill you.
Ha! Darling, something's happening here.
It isn't very nurturing or very natural.
I'm gonna have to go.
I just want to say one thing to you, darling.
Leaving you by yourself every day, it's not that easy for me.
It just it means a lot that I can focus on my work without worrying that it's causing you any lasting psychological trauma.
I'm so proud of you.
You're such a sweet, self-reliant, lovely little man, and I love you.
Go rock that office manager's job.
Bye.
Will! [Siren wailing.]
Knife in the foot! Knife in the foot! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Valid form of I.
D.
And insurance.
- Do you not see? - Yes, I do.
Valid form of I.
D.
and insurance.
He's losing feeling! He's losing feeling! We got a runner.
- [Squeals.]
- Oh, no! I need a doctor! Help! Help! I need a doctor! Oh, good.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Uh-oh.
What do we have here? - I'm Will.
- [Chuckles.]
How you doing, buddy? - Any numbness? - A little.
[Clears throat.]
- Little bit.
- [Chuckles.]
Here we go.
[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog).]
Well, maybe it's the common curse Maybe things get bad before they get worse I don't want to become someone Who can't live up to what I already done, don't Here comes a comeback The kid is back, is back on track And there goes my hero He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and [Cheers and applause.]
You know, it's a good thing that your dad was home when this happened.
Oh, no, no, no, not a dad.
I'm just a concerned neighbor concerned single neighbor.
Then it's a good thing that your neighbor was home.
Well, Will's always home.
Gives us plenty of time to bro down and hang and see what kind of justice judge Judy's gonna hammer out.
Good kid.
So what is it exactly you do, Will, that allows you all this time to "bro down"? Well, he's a songwriter, a really popular one.
Oh, Marcus, take it easy, all right? Beautiful women don't like to hear about how popular guys are or the fact that they have 12% body fat.
You're really a songwriter? Oh, you're just gonna blow over the whole body-fat thing.
Have you written anything that I know? You totally would.
Have you ever heard of Shh, shh, Marcus, Marcus.
You're losing blood, man, when you talk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dr.
Lake? They need you for a minute in room four.
Be right back.
Whoop.
Marcus, we never talk about Runaway Sleigh.
Was it a hit song? Yes.
Did it make me a lot of money? A ton.
But it's not really how I want to be seen as a songwriter.
- Why not? - It's not cool, man.
And I really want Dr.
Smoke Show to, uh to think of me as cool.
- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.
No.
[Clears throat.]
So, uh, who have you written for? Only some of today's coolest artists.
- Marcus.
- Like who? Have you ever heard of Michael Bublé? Seriously? Michael Bublé? - I have Bublé'd.
- Never really been a fan.
[Door opens.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Doctor, is he going to walk again? - Yes.
- Does he need a blood transfusion? Because I have the same blood type as him.
- Mom.
- Mummy has the blood.
- The nurse will be right in.
- Shh, darling, hold me.
- Let me heal you.
Shh.
- Mo-mom! We're gonna pick up some herbs on the way home, and we're gonna burn that shoe in a sacred ceremony of healing.
Excuse me, Dr.
Lake? Do you have a quick sec? I have the first wave of a multi-casualty incident arriving in three minutes.
I would say that we got a nice little time crunch here.
Wow.
You're an incredibly fast Walker.
High-school track, all-state.
Oh, really? I played baseball all-county.
But it was a very big county.
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
- Uh, w-what? - I'm sorry.
I get incredibly blunt when I'm tired.
I'm just coming off a double, and the coffee here tastes like roasted goat hoof.
I made that coffee you just insulted.
Sorry, Bev.
You know I have that "inappropriately blunt when tired" thing.
I love you.
Not the coffee, but you.
- Where were we? - Sex with me.
Oh, yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Look, you're incredibly tall, and you have an unusually fluffy head of hair, which, I'm not gonna lie, turns me on.
And your man pecs are like Greek art.
You really are blunt when you're tired.
I kind of want to keep you awake for 12 hours to see how deep, you know, this rabbit hole goes.
- I'm an emergency-room doctor.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I don't have time right now for man pecs unless they're impaled with some sort of blunt-force instrument.
Yeah, it was nice meeting you, Will.
- Hey, Will? - Yes? Please make sure that Marcus keeps his stitches clean and dry.
Right.
Clean and dry.
Who's Marcus? She says the hospital coffee tastes like goat hooves.
Hoof, goat hoof.
Like the singular of goat hooves.
I mean, it was the cutest thing ever.
What's cute about "goat hoof"? Nothing the way you say it.
[Sighs.]
You and an E.
R.
doctor.
What is wrong with me and an E.
R.
doctor? This woman has brains.
She has a PhD in seeing through your bullcrap.
There was a definite spark, okay? She's just too busy for a relationship right now.
She blew you off.
Total blow-off.
Andy? - Well, it might be - Women like her don't date guys who lay around playing video games all day and lie about writing songs for Michael Bublé.
I didn't lie.
Marcus did.
I just confirmed it.
Why don't you just go back to the hospital and tell her the truth? The truth? That I wrote a Christmas song eight years ago and haven't written anything since? Honestly, Andy, you'd have a better chance with her.
Andy's taken.
I will kill you if you stray.
- I will kill you.
- Women crave honesty, Will.
We do.
God, I'm so proud of how you're starting to evolve.
- Thanks.
- Truth.
The truth.
Wow, man.
I'm really blowing my mind right now.
I'm on the gravel.
I'm on the walkway Walking down the walkway, going up the stairs.
All right, mother, I'm safely on our property.
Can I sign off now? [Sighs.]
It's getting better You look tired, darling.
Is everything okay? Hello! Surprise.
It's your mummy.
[Chuckles.]
I figured out a way for us to be together all the time.
- Isn't that great? - It's It's just great.
And I left you some precut orange wedges right there.
You don't have to cut anything.
I hid all the knives anyway.
[Laughs.]
Don't look for them.
[Sighs.]
I told him he couldn't stay here, but then he said he loved my coffee.
You are too easy.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
What are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you about the Michael Bublé thing.
- I, um - Yeah.
Look, I apologize.
I was rude.
Um But the fact that you write for somebody who connects with that many people, it's really impressive.
Okay, but here's the thing.
I mean, maybe, you know, Bublé isn't exactly my taste, but, I mean, you're a professional songwriter.
It's not like you're writing jingles for dog-food ads or some one-hit wonder or something.
You know, you're a working professional The real deal.
It's very cool.
So did you come here to play me something? You know, it can wait.
I just I'm not really feeling the acoustics of this room.
It feels flat to me.
Ah Yeah, it's it's very flat.
- Come on, play me something.
- It's late.
There are people sleeping.
I don't know.
There's only room 6, and she's knocked out, so Something that you've written, maybe not Bublé.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Let's see here.
Um - No Bublé.
- No.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, little girl with the crooked smile You got a love so warm, make my heart so wild Oh-oh, yeah And I will follow you To the end of the world Jump off the edge - I love that song.
- You know that song? I totally know that song.
It's Rivvers.
You know Rivvers? Nobody knows Rivvers.
I love Rivvers.
They used to be River Shiver.
That's like knowing Beck before - Beck was Beck.
- It's the work of genius.
You mean the work of your genius.
Right.
I mean, I think the thing is, like, I give them the words, and they kind of, you know, do their thing with it, so it's Oh, I feel like we just had [Clears throat.]
[Chuckles.]
God, I need to work on this blunt thing.
Do you want to grab a bite with me, Dr.
Lake? I definitely want to grab a bite with you.
- And it's Sam.
- Okay, Sam.
Oh, and I'm a huge sports fan Niners, not Raiders, "A"s, not Giants, which, by the way, are total deal breakers.
I will not exchange bodily fluids with a Raiders fan under any condition whatsoever.
- Wow.
- What? You are incredible.
Hey, you got a little Mustard.
What about now? [Laughs.]
Nope.
Yeah.
What about you? I like to ambush women at their place of work Mm-hmm.
Buy them fast-food burgers at late-night drive-throughs, and then bring them to dimly lit city parks and endanger their safety.
[Laughs.]
You think any of those paddleboats are unlocked? [Both laughing.]
Uh, um, 2% whole milk.
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- So good.
- Okay, okay.
I got another one.
All right.
Here we go.
Favorite John Hughes movie? - No brainer.
Breakfast Club.
- Yes.
Seriously, the first time I saw that movie, I practiced the whole "Molly Ringwald lipstick between the boobs" thing for, like, a week.
I really like thinking about that.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
My friend Andy told me that's the hill that if you climb, that's the best view of the city.
Want to go up? I kind of like the view right here.
[Acoustic indie rock.]
You in the red boat, put your hands in the air and your feet off the pedals, now.
- It's the paddleboat police.
- What do we do? What do we do? Take your feet off the pedals.
I'm not going to paddleboat jail.
Paddle! Paddle, paddle, paddle.
Get your feet off the pedals.
- Go! He's gaining! - He's gaining! Whoo! Eat our wake! [Laughs.]
"Will's perfect girl.
" I can't believe you've had this since you were ten.
- I'm making a point here.
Read.
- "Number one no braces.
" - I assume that's a gimme.
- Check.
"Number two looks like Christie Brinkley "or Kelly Lebrock or a combination of their best parts.
" - What, no Elle MacPherson? - Oh, turn the page.
Mm? - Oh.
- Ah.
Okay.
"Number three has boobs.
" Check, but let's move down the list.
"Loves the "A"s, not the Giants"? Check, and likes the Niners, not the Raiders, check.
- Really? - Honestly, man.
If you look at the whole thing, she checks off every single thing on the list.
- She's perfect.
- Wow.
Okay, you really like this girl.
I mean, she's amazing.
Really, she's amazing.
That's fantastic.
Honestly, it's terrifying, dude.
My life is perfect as it is, right? I have freedom.
I have fun.
I have money.
And, yes, like, eventually, I want to settle down and have someone that, you know, I care about, but, like, why would I want to complicate my life with with - Love.
- Do not use that word.
- It's love.
- It's so early.
What are you talking about? Come on, then what is it, then, if it's not love? She's just different.
Will, we need to talk.
Where did you come from? - The wall.
Get over it.
- Not now, Marcus.
I'm in the middle of an existential crisis here.
I'm having an existential crisis of my own.
Wait.
Do you even know what "existential" means? Does Will? I am a captive in my own house, Will.
I went from limited freedom to complete lockdown, all because of one self-stabbing.
Marcus, if you want your mother to think that you're mature, you got to tell her how you feel.
You got to say, like, you know, that that she's in that she's incredible, I mean, that you never felt this way about anyone before, ever.
He's not talking about your mom anymore.
Thank you, captain obvious.
So how's my favorite patient doing? - I'm - He's a bit constipated.
Probably unrelated, but you're the doctor.
- [Cell phone ringing.]
- Hold on.
Morganic Toys, where nature meets nurture.
Um, hold on.
I'm afraid my injury has sent her into a working-mother guilt spiral that has manifested itself into a state of overprotectiveness.
Sounds rough.
So, um, how is Will doing? Just as amazing as every other day.
He is pretty great, isn't he? Wait, wait.
Who's great? Who's great? Will.
It's like when we were dreaming who we would live next to, we didn't know to dream this big.
Yeah, I hear you.
You know, you're really lucky that he was home.
Must have been pretty scary being home alone with a knife in your foot.
[Sarcastically.]
Oh, yeah, we're really lucky that Will lives next door to us doing nothing all day long while some of us have to work for a living.
I would think he'd be pretty busy writing songs for Michael Bublé and Rivvers.
Is Will writing music again? Oh, my God.
Blimey.
He hasn't had a job for years.
I just thought he was lazy.
[Bruno Mars' Treasure.]
Hi holy smoke, you look good.
- Come on in.
- Hi.
- It's good to see you.
- [Exhales deeply.]
Cheers.
When you're mine, all mine Mine, all mine, treasure I can't believe that this sheet music is something that Rivvers might be singing one day.
- It's pretty unbelievable.
- Will you play me something? This Chinese, uh, gets cold real quickly.
It's not like other Chinese foods.
Listen, today I removed a screwdriver from a 300-pound man.
- I'm not saying from where.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm just saying I deserve a little joy in my life.
Joy.
Yeah.
Sure thing.
You know, I don't normally like to show people anything until it's done, you know, so I promise not to judge Unless, of course, it's really bad.
[Chuckles.]
All right.
[Plays piano key.]
A little intro action.
- [Mid-tempo beat playing.]
- And this stays like this.
You kind of got to imagine it right at - [Rapid beat playing.]
- This point.
You know, you're gonna get a urban v-v-v.
That part, I-I'll still working on that.
But here we go.
[Playing mellow tune.]
There's a fire in my head There's a candle in my soul There's two little boys Playing ping-pong with All this rock and roll A little motorboat Next to play-doh on the shelf A tiny sailboat With silver balls Next to the little boys playing ping-pong late at night Seriously? - Are you even a songwriter? - [Chuckles.]
Have you been lying to me, Will? Great.
[Plays off-key chord.]
Sam, wait.
I've never written for Rivvers or Bublé, okay? But I really am a songwriter.
I'm not currently writing anything, per se, now, but Goodbye, Will.
[Door slams.]
[Exhales.]
Oh, hey, Will, are you grilling? If you are, I wouldn't say no to a burger.
I'm not grilling, Marcus.
I'm metaphorically burning my hopes and dreams.
Is there room for a burger? I can't be outside of my Skype radius for more than three minutes, though, so make it quick.
Marcus, you know you can't live like this, man.
Neither can you.
Don't give up on trying to find the perfect girl.
I'm not giving up on finding the perfect girl.
I found her.
It's just I'm not the perfect guy.
Do you get it? You're perfect to me.
Thank you, Marcus.
That means Well, nothing, really, but it was really nice of you to say.
Will, hang on.
Part of what makes you perfect to me is that you've let me see the real you.
You're totally flawed kind of a mess, really but we all are one way or another.
If this is really the perfect girl, she'll love you, flaws and all.
You know, Marcus, I think you're more of an adult than you or your mom realize.
Oh, good boy.
Good boy, doing your homework.
[Gasps.]
It's on a loop! - Fiona? - We need you to park these.
It's on a loop.
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm gonna have to step out for a minute.
Another emergency? Like when your son "stabbed" himself? Fiona, this is becoming untenable.
We need you.
No, my little boy needs me more.
No, he does not.
You took him out of the house unauthorized.
And this whole computer stunt that was all you as well, wasn't it? Let's just dial back the crazy a little bit.
- I'm just his ride.
- Listen, mom We need to talk.
- Okay.
- [Sighs.]
I wish we could spend every single second of every single day together, but it's just not realistic.
Or normal.
Since you started working more hours, I've been having a lot of guilt.
I know your head is home with me when it should be here at work.
No, no, darling, that's not true.
- It's totally true.
- It is, very much so.
Well, maybe it's a bit true.
So, I mean, is it a crime to want to spend all my time with my little baby? I'm not your little baby anymore.
I'm your prepubescent tween.
I know you are.
I just I love you so much.
And I'm sorry that I hold on so tight.
[Straining.]
I love you, mom Flaws and all.
- There you go.
- Oh, lover boy is here.
And I don't think he's here for my coffee.
You are correct, Bev.
I have something I need to say to Sam.
I am a songwriter, okay? I wrote a famous Christmas song.
Ooh, I'm gonna Google that.
I wrote it eight years ago, and I haven't written anything since.
There's a million excuses why, but the real reason I haven't written anything is that I'm just I'm scared that, um that I'll fail and that I'm not good.
Hi.
How you doing? I'll be with you in one minute.
- Hmm.
- Anyway I just wanted you to know that, 'cause I really haven't told anyone that before except you and all these drunk, sickly, and injured people.
Um, Sam, I like you.
I like you a lot, and I hope you'll give me another chance.
Oh, and you wanted me to sing you a song that I wrote.
After school one winter day I came across a big red sleigh Broken down on highway 63 Cursing it with all his might A man whose face I knew on sight He wrote this song.
And smile at me I'm guessing you are nine or ten And I can fly my sleigh again If you find it in your heart to believe All: won't you ride In my runaway sleigh? The reindeer might be biting But they still know the way And we can fly these presents To the good girls and the boys And we'll all have A merry Christmas [Pa system beeps.]
Blue team to I.
C.
U.
Please.
Blue team, I.
C.
U.
That's for you.
You have an emergency.
Okay.
But even so It gave me pause Something in this picture seemed so wrong His suit was wrinkled, full of holes His shoes untied, his cheeks had moles And I swear I saw him sipping something strong All: won't you ride In my runaway sleigh? We're missing a few seat belts But hold on, we're on our way And we can fly these presents To the good girls and the boys And we'll all have a merry Christmas Yeah! [Cheers and applause.]
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! [Retching.]
Orderly?