ALF s03e23 Episode Script

Once again, kate, excellent meat loaf.
Once again, kate, meat loaf.
For your information, that was salisbury steak.
Great.
Meat loaf with an attitude.
Jake: knock, knock! [Knocks on door.]
Door's open, jake.
Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, jake! You're just in time For brandy and cigars.
We haven't seen you around here for quite a while.
Yeah, well, uh, Someone's been staying in our house For a couple of days.
A relative? Mmm, sort of.
Uh-- She's my mother.
M-- You have a mother? I'm a mammal, aren't i? What alf is trying to say is that You've never mentioned your mother before.
Yeah, we figured she was dead.
What brian is trying to say is that Since you live with your aunt and uncle, We thought your mother might perhaps be Well, you know.
Dead.
lions gate home entertainment Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother.
We're best friends.
Blood brothers.
double stuf oreo.
I think, in some cultures, we'd be considered engaged.
Perhaps with you around, He found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Har-Dee-Har.
For your information, jake tells me everything-- About how his father's in jail, About how he flunked his last math test, About how trevor and raquel like to sometimes dress up like norwegian-- Never mind.
[Doorbell rings.]
Yoo-Hoo! It's raquel! Yoo-Hoo.
Tell her we're not home.
Bye, alf.
Let her in.
I'll pretend i'm a fuzzy lamp.
You can pretend that in the kitchen.
Fine.
Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp? Well, hi, raquel.
Willie, kate.
Hello, raquel.
I'd like you to meet my sister-In-Law, Elaine ochmonek.
She's jake's mother.
Elaine, this is willie tanner And his wife kate.
She's pregnant.
I see that.
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
Please, come in, come in.
We are so fond of jake.
Oh, well, He talks about his friends the tanners All the time.
Although, sometimes he does stop Rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Well, don't we all just-- Don't we all just do that now and again? No.
I really appreciate everything you've done for jake.
It's been hard on him, being away From all his friends in new york.
Oh, he's become like one of the family.
Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
What a lovely idea.
Say, here for dinner tomorrow, 7:30? Uh, well-- Please, don't go to any trouble.
Oh, pish.
Kate doesn't mind.
Do you, kate? Pish? Good.
Besides, they owe us a dinner-- Not that i'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
will be fine.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
Bye-Bye.
Toodles! Both: fuzzy lamp.
Here's the rest of the zucchini, trevor.
Oh, thanks, kate.
Why did you say kate was a bad cook? Don't talk with your mouth full, trevor.
In fact, don't talk at all.
Everything is just delicious.
Thank you.
Well, i'm full.
Shall we go? Jake, where are your manners? We just sat down.
Don't you want dessert? Mom defrosted sara lee.
Swell.
I brought your supper, alf.
I had to sneak it past the ochmoneks.
How's it going down there? Fine.
Jake's mother seems very nice.
How's jake? He's still acting weird.
Weird? How weird? A little weird? Medium weird? Big weird? Or ochmonek weird? Uncomfortable weird.
I knew it.
She's an impostor.
Who? Jake's mother.
She's really not his mother.
She's his father.
I feel another theory coming on.
Look, if jake really has a mother, Why is he living with his aunt and uncle? I don't know, but i'm sure there's a logical explanation.
Well, i'm not.
To quote a famous deli owner on melmac, "Something is awry.
" Enjoy your dinner, alf.
If i find out anything more about jake's mother, I'll let you know.
Don't be afraid to ask questions.
Probe.
Go through his purse.
Thicken.
I'm sorry.
I was detained.
Everything all right? Fine.
No problem in the attic.
None.
You got problems with your attic? Yes--No--I mean, i was, but now i'm not.
Pass the potatoes, please? I had pigeons in my attic once.
What a mess.
Trevor, please.
The place looked like it was stuccoed.
Trevor, we're eating.
What? It's not like i'm makin' it up.
So, elaine, how long will you be staying in california? Not long.
Right, mom? I'm leavin' on wednesday.
Oh, what a shame you can't stay longer.
Well, i-- She can't.
She'd love to, but she can't.
She's gonna go back to new york.
She lives there.
Jake.
What? I'm sure your mother can speak for herself.
I know, it's just that it's rude To speak with a mouth full of food, And my mouth was empty at the time.
So i thought that maybe-- Cork it, eh, jake? Kate, you got anymore of that chicken in there? I'll check.
If not, i'll take a burger.
Excuse me, can i use your powder room? Oh, certainly.
Use the one off the bedroom, The other sink is stopped up.
Uh, it's just at the end of the hall On the left.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, let me show you where it is.
I'm sure i can find it myself.
Excuse me.
What? Uh-Oh, nature's calling and the phones are all downstairs.
Ok, alf, just concentrate.
Mind over bladder.
Mind over bladder.
Bladder over mind.
No wonder jake didn't want to talk about his mother.
She's a crook.
Great dessert, kate.
Thank you for a lovely dinner.
Well, you're very welcome.
Let's go.
Wait a second, jake.
Let's go, come on.
Cool your jets, We're coming, all right? Well, i guess we should be going.
Bye, kate.
Good-Bye.
Bye.
Bye-Bye.
Mmm Ah.
What in the world is wrong with jake? I'm glad you've asked that question.
Alf, what are you doing downstairs? Uh, willie, you're probably wondering Why i've gathered you all here.
That's it.
From now on when we have guests You will stay in the garage.
Aha, but if i was in the garage, I wouldn't have found out what i found out.
What did you find out? I'll give you a hint.
It's what i did to your hearts The day i came here.
Umbreak.
I said hearts, not house.
Stop trying to change the subject, alf, You know that you were supposed to stay In the attic.
I'm not trying to change the subject.
Ok, i am, but this is really, really good.
You wanna hear it? No.
But it'll clear up "A," why is jake acting so weird? And "b," where is kate's big, red pin? You mean my garnet brooch? The one that belonged to my grandmother? The one that looked like a bunch of lumpy grapes.
It's in my jewelry box.
Ehh, wrong.
It used to be in your jewelry box.
Now it's in jake's mother's pocket.
Oh, alf, Why would you say something like that? Because it's true.
I happened to be strolling past your boudoir door, While she was doing the old five-Finger fandango In your jewelry box.
I'll go check.
You're not kidding, are you? Trust me, the woman's a felon.
Do you think jake knows about this? Sure, why else do you think He's been acting like norman bates On mother's day? Is jake's mom a crook, dad? Oh, i don't think so, b.
After all, she's only an ochmonek by marriage.
Alf's right.
My brooch is gone.
You doubted my veracity? That pains me.
Willie, what are we gonna do? That brooch has been in my family for so long.
Well, the situation has to be handled delicately.
I'll speak to trevor--What am i saying? Hey, hey, let me straighten it out with jake.
I can handle it.
Well, all right, Alf, you can speak to jake, But remember, be tactful.
Explain to him that we don't Want to cause him any problems, We just want that brooch back.
Don't worry, i know just how to handle this.
Where do we keep the hot light and the bull horn? [Stomping.]
Brian said you wanted to talk to me.
Oh, yeah, i did.
I do.
I did and i do.
Both.
Sotalk.
You start.
You're the one who wanted to talk to me, remember? Ah, yes.
Yes Ahh Well? Well What i have to talk about is difficult.
I don't know how to Broach the subject.
You can trust me.
I know.
And i appreciate that, jake.
I'm glad you could steal some time to talk with me.
What are you trying to say, alf? Nothing.
If i had something to say About your mother, i'd say it.
What about my mother? Well, she seems very nice.
I mean, we haven't met or anything, But she certainly doesn't look like a thief.
She's not a thief.
Ok, she's a sleepwalker who's into accessories.
She's neither of those, either.
Well, i saw her take a brooch From kate's jewelry box.
Ahh I was afraid of that.
So you do know something about this.
Yeah.
See, my mom's a kleptomaniac.
Aha.
A what? She doesn't mean to take things that don't belong to her.
The doctor says she just can't help herself.
I think the problem is she does help herself.
It's a sickness of the mind, kind of.
I thought she was comin' out here To tell me she was better.
Well, it's a small brooch, Maybe she's trying to cut down.
Look, i'll get it back, don't worry.
What are you gonna say to her? I don't know, i-- I guess i'll wait till she's asleep And lift it off her.
Who are you people, the capones? You've gotta talk to her about this.
It won't do any good.
Besides, She's going back to new york tomorrow.
Oh, good, she'll take manhattan, the bronx, and staten island, too.
Look, alf, i've had this fight with my mother a million times.
I give up on her.
Well, how could you give up on your own mother? I mean, it's not like she's the cubs.
Look, i said i'd get your stupid pin, Didn't i? Now why don't you just leave me alone? Well, if you're gonna be that way about it, I suggest you leave.
Uhhi, mom.
Hi, honey.
Come on in.
Uh, nice suitcase.
Thanks.
Those aren't your initials.
Ah, i won it.
You know, um, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Hmm, me, too.
, But, uh, you go first.
Well Since school's almost out for the summer anyway, I thought you might want to come home with me now.
Oh, i thought maybe you wanted to talk about Dinner at the tanners' last night.
What do you mean? I had a very nice time.
About what happened there.
We ate roast chicken.
After that.
We had coffee.
Before that.
Look, as much as i'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, Would you like to tell me what you're getting at? Look I know you took a pin out of mrs.
Tanner's Jewelry box last night.
That's impossible.
Impossible you coulda taken it, Or impossible i could know about it? I didn't, and even if i did, Everybody was at dinner.
Nobody could have possibly have seen-- Nothin's changed, has it, ma? Yeah, something's changed, you got a mouth.
How could you? How could you steal from the tanners? They're my friends, ma.
I was gonna give it back.
Actually, it's pretty tacky.
[Nervous laughter.]
I can't believe you.
You come out here hopin' i'll go back with you, And then you pull somethin' like this.
Honey, you know i never planned to do this.
It just happens.
The problem is that it's still happenin'.
Are you seein' your shrink? I give up.
If you won't help yourself, there's nothin' i can do.
Yes, there is.
You could come home with me.
We made a deal, remember? I would come home when you were better.
I am better Well, i'm almost better.
I'm not what you need right now.
Jake-- I want things To work out, But you have to want it, too.
I do.
Then how about goin' next door And givin' this pin back to mrs.
Tanner? I can't.
I'm--I'm sorry, jake.
I'd like to, I just I just can't.
Not yet.
Yo, jake.
Alf, how long have you been out there? Long enough.
But for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.
Yeah, so how come i feel so crummy? You ate kate's cooking last night, Remember? Anyway, i'm glad you're not going back to new york.
Yeah, kinda wish i was.
Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom.
You know, there's nothing like the love between a mother and child.
Except maybe the love between 2 florists.
Give this back to mrs.
Tanner, would you? And, uh, tell her i'm--We're sorry.
So what happens to your mother now? I guess she'll go back to her doctor.
Well, i hope he's an eye doctor.
This is the ugliest pin i've ever seen.
Looks like a blood clot.
Ha--Blood clot.
Ha--Oh, i kill me.
I still don't get it.
How come jake's mother takes stuff, but she's not a crook? Well, jake's mother suffers From a psychological disorder that motivates her to steal impulsively Without being prompted by any apparent need or desire.
Thanks for clearing that up, dad.
How's jake taking all of this? Poor boy's been through an awful lot.
Well, he's doing much better, His mom went back to new york Early this morning.
Did they resolve anything before they left? Only that he won't go back to live with her Until she gets help.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe that's exactly the motivation that she needed.
Maybe, maybe not.
She took trevor's coin collection with her.
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