ALF s03e25 Episode Script

The great orange hunter Stalks his prey.
Ah, he sees it-- The elusive loin of pork-- The most prized catch in the fridgidari jungle.
What's this? "Alf, don't eat this.
" Why would i eat this? Ever so deftly The great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon.
Once in position, He strikes! What, ho! Has the hunter angered the gods? Whoa! Uhh! Ok, i won't eat pork! lions gate home entertainment Willie: is everybody all right? Lynn? Brian? Lynn: i'm fine, dad.
Brian: me too, but i can't find alf! Alf? Alf? Are you in here? He's not in the attic.
Look at this mess.
Alf! Alf! This was his first quake.
Poor little fella, he must be terrified.
I found him! Alf, are you ok? He doesn't look good.
It looks like he's in shock.
Alf, say something! Anything! Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination Alf! Apocalypsenow! Now-- Thanks, willie.
Now i'm blind.
Your eyes are closed.
Oh.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, But i had nothing to do with this mess.
We know, alf.
We know.
You do? We had an earthquake.
I see.
And it was a good one.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it? Well, let me see if i can explain it, alf.
You see, the crust of our planet Is made of plates of layered rock That are in continual movement.
Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, It's released through-- Thank you, mr.
Wizard.
Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when godzilla destroyed tokyo? Well, that's a rather extreme example, kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, And we are all fine.
We just have to remember to be prepared And follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules! Raqual: kate? Willie? Anybody home? Kate: alf, get in the kitchen.
Uh, that is, stay in the kitchen.
Oh, hi, raquel.
Willie, kate, we had an earthquake! So did we.
How's lynn? Lynn's fine.
Does she need comforting? She's fine.
'Cause if she does, i could-- She's fine! Glad to hear it.
So where's trevor? On the porch.
Trevor, come on in.
Is this structural? Trevor, i've never seen you like this.
Oh, oh, oh, trevor, It's gonna be all right.
It's--It's gonna be all right.
Trevor, this is making me very uncomfortable.
I'm sorry.
I'm just traumatized.
Well, we'll be on our way.
We just wanted to make sure that you were ok.
Say hi to lynn and everybody for me.
Trevor, you'll be fine.
You think so? Of course With the proper professional assistance.
Is this thing structural? You know, in a way, that jolt we had last night Was probably a very good thing.
If you enjoyed it that much, Why not just strap a lightning rod on your head And wander around in the rain? No, i think what willie means is that It's reminded us to come out and check our supplies.
It says here that we should have A half gallon of water a day for each of us, So for 2 weeks, that makes Well, hey--Yeah Uh Hey! Ahem.
Wait, i have questions.
Why do we need so much bottled water? Well that's in case our water supply Becomes contaminated.
What about food? We have a 2-Week supply of food.
We have peanut butter, we have granola bars, Evaporated milk, Canned meat, fish.
We had a 2-Week supply of peanut butter, Granola bars, evaporated milk, Canned meat, and fish.
It was nowhere near a 2-Week supply.
I ate it in 37 minutes.
Alf, those were our survival rations.
And i survived.
Now you know they work.
Restock food stuffs.
Padlock food stuffs.
I, uh, saw the truck outside.
I guess the extra water we ordered came.
Oh, yes, water came.
Last load.
$476.
I'm afraid we didn't order this much water.
You got a gordon shumway at this address? Just once-- I was hoping that just once, It might be a legitimate mistake.
Say, i don't suppose there's a chance You could take a couple dozen of these back? That's pickup.
I'm delivery.
Well, good-Bye, or as we like to say, Au reservoir.
What'll it be? Cup of soup? Cocoa with teeny marshmallows? Or maybe just the straight stuff straight up.
I know that look.
I find it unsettling.
Alf? Oh, hi, willie.
What are you doing? Hammering.
Could you be a little more specific? Hammering nails.
Why are you nailing your bed to the floor? Well, it wouldn't make much sense to scotch tape it, Now would it? Alf, nailing your bed down Isn't gonna help you during an earthquake.
It'll keep me from sliding down the stairs.
Then i'm running a bumper around the bed For shock absorption.
And underneath, In case of a tidal wave, pontoons.
I'm telling you, willie, this bed is gonna be The safest place in the house.
Alf, i really don't-- I know what you're gonna say, And i could put you in one of these babies For 99.
95, yes? That's 99.
95.
Aah! Aah! It's ok, alf.
It's an aftershock.
Come into the doorway! I'll be safer in here! Ohh.
And i would have had the weight of the world Where my head used to be.
No, alf, that-- That's only a globe.
That wouldn't have hurt you.
Don't you see, willie? It's a sign.
No matter what you do, No matter how many precautions you take, Sooner or later, This planet is gonna get ya.
Oh, take it easy, alf.
You'll be fine.
Yeah, but for how long? Face it, willie-- Earth is hazardous to your health.
I know this is hard for you to understand, bri.
It's hard for me to understand, too.
Sometimes it's bert convy.
Sometimes it's vicki lawrence.
Sometimes it's sally struthers.
But no matter who hosts, It's always win, lose, or draw.
That's a load off my mind.
[Knock on door.]
It's me! Jake! It's open! Hey, guys! Morning, jake! Hi.
Hi.
Hi, jake.
So, how did your uncle trevor Handle that aftershock last night? Not too well.
He started sleeping in the doorway.
Well, that's just silly.
I know, but at least he wakes up With the morning paper handy.
Willie Just let me look at ya.
Kate! Funny, special kate.
Lynn, why-- What, you're a woman now.
Brian Is this the little boy i carried? And, jake What is a friend? A friend is jake.
Let's all just be.
[All talking at once.]
Ah, the complex parade that is life.
Alf, is this something We should be asking you about? It's simple, oh, my willie.
Last night's narrowlyaverted tragedy Gave me pause.
I thought you already had paws.
Ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
Witty, urbane lynn.
Ha, ha.
What i meant was It gave me pause to think.
I've been trying to escape my fate, But there is no escape! If an earthquake doesn't get me, A monsoon might, Or an avalanche, Or a firestorm, Or food poisoning.
What is your point? My point is Any breath i draw could be my last, So i'm going to savor every moment i have left.
There goes one now.
What's wrong with alf? Nothing's wrong with me.
I've simply adopted a new philosophy.
Eat, drink, and be merry, For tomorrow we croak.
Tomorrow? It's just an expression, brian, Albeit a mangled one.
Are you sure you're all right, alf? I'm fine.
In fact, i'm perfect.
Come on, everyone, let's all join hands For a chorus of kumbaya.
Ok [Speaking french.]
I should have stuck with latin.
Ah, lynnocence, My lovely flower of spring, Seeing you brings a lump to my throat.
Not unlike a goiter.
Alf, that's gross.
All right, a bunion.
I really don't have time for this.
I've got to learn this french, Plus i've got a history final tomorrow.
History is history! What's important is today, Now, this moment.
Savor, lynn.
Look, alf, if i don't study today, I'll be savoring failure About 9:45 tomorrow morning.
How many tumblers will it take for you to see the light? We've only had 2.
Well, perhaps i'm more Introspective than you.
Lynn, take a tip.
Be Here Now.
You take a tip.
Be Gone now.
I take my leave.
If you need me, i'll be out with god Watching brian grow.
Right.
Oh, and lynn? I love you.
What if talk dad into moving someplace where it's safe? Like where? I don't know, kansas? You could be blown away by a tornado.
How about hawaii? The volcanoes will get ya.
Canada? Blizzards! Florida? Old age! So live, brian, live! Because, sooner or later Alf! Hey, alf, brian.
Hey, jake.
Jake, less than a brother, More than a friend, Have you been sav-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, i've been savoring life left and right.
That's good.
Because life is like death row.
And every day you live Is a stay of execution, Until the one day when the big governor in the sky Doesn't make that phone call.
I think i'll go inside for a while.
Ok, b.
Hey, savor your parents for me.
Oh, and brian! What? I love you.
Don't you think you might be scaring the kid? Scaring him? I'm teaching him how to enjoy life.
Have it your way.
Oh, jake In case this is the last time we see each other-- Will you cut out all this "last time" stuff? I'm just going home! What's gonna happen to me there? Well, you could slip in the tub, Choke on your dinner, Fall down the stairs, Trip over the dog, Accidentally flush yourself-- I'll come back when you're in a better mood.
Oh, hey, jake! I love you! And i mean that Truly.
Brian? Hi, dad.
Brian? I'm under here.
We--We've been looking all over for you.
What are you doing under the bed? This is where i live now.
What? This way, if anything happens, I'll be safe.
Safe from what? Oh, everything.
It's no good keeping things like this inside.
If something's bothering you, It's important to tell somebody about it.
I agree, honey.
Hi, kate.
But why are you talking to brian's bed? Hi, mom.
Bri? Bri, what are you doing under there? It's the only place he feels safe.
Brian Why--Why are you so frightened? Because tomorrow we croak.
Why does that sound familiar? Listen, brian, None of us is going to croak For a long, long time.
You can't be sure.
No, but i can be almost sure And i'll tell you something i am sure of.
If you spend you're whole life Worrying about all the bad things that could happen, You're gonna miss all the good things that will happen.
Oh, there you guys are! I want to savor you.
Oh, good, good.
You can start with brian.
He's under the bed.
What's he doing under there? Have you ever heard of catastrophic expectations? Of course.
It's a melmacjian dating service.
No, alf.
Catastrophic expectations Means you live your life fearing the worst.
So? So, that's exactly what you've been doing! Hey, if you've got a good thing going, I say stick with it.
We don't care if you stick with it, But you're scaring brian.
Or he's savoring dust bunnies.
Come on out, b.
I'm not coming out! I'm never coming out! Whoa! Extreme! There's nothing wrong with living cautiously, But if you spend each day focusing on mortality, Each day a little piece of you Is going to experience that mortality.
Do you understand me, alf? No.
I do.
You mean don't be scared of stuff Until it happens.
Gee, willie, why didn't you say that? I thought i did.
All i want to know is Does this leave room for savoring? Of course it does, alf.
Just savor life out of joy, Not out of fear.
But what you're saying is We should eat, drink, and be merry, For tomorrow we eat, drink, and be merry again.
Let's try eat, drink, And clean up anything you spill.
Why don't you come out from under the bed, bri? Feeling better? A little.
Hey, sorry if i scared you, b.
No problem.
Uh, you wouldn't want to-- The helmet stays.
Uh, i thought you were delivery, Not pickup.
I got a promotion.
Just my luck, huh? Well, uh, i guess this covers the delivery And the 35 gallons we are keeping And--And the pickup.
You throw a little something in here for my chiropractor? No.
Yeah.
Well, thanks for everything.
Hey, is all my water gone? Yes, thankfully.
Well that's too bad.
I had a great idea.
Want to hear about it? Not especially.
Fine.
But without the water slide, I don't think tannerland is gonna catch on.
lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- [Laughing.]