'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s03e05 Episode Script

Oh.
Do you by any chance wish to know how I, René Artois, hero of the Resistance, escaped in a gypsy caravan pulled by a piebald pony from a German colonel and captain driving a steamroller fuelled by nutty slack? Not an everyday occurrence, you will admit.
But I will tell you - I outpaced them.
But only after the airmen and the waitresses, my wife, my wife's mother and M Leclerc disguised as a didicoy got out to push when we became stuck in a rut.
I galloped off, apparently out of control.
I am now hiding the priceless portrait of The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies in the back of this worthless painting of some childish flowers given to my wife's mother by a penniless artist in return for her favours.
Which evidently were not all that valuable, even all those years ago.
René, it is time we opened the café.
Have you hidden the painting? There it is, it is behind your mother's floral tribute.
Where can we hang such a great big frame? In the most obvious place - on the wall of the café.
- Oh - Thank you.
But will it not be in danger of being hidden by the curtain? With any luck, yes.
René I have just come from ze town square, it is full of tanks and soldiers.
General von Klinkerhoffen has found ze engine of his mower in ze remains of that aeroplane.
They are going to search for British airmen.
Anyone found hiding them will be shot! Oh, my God.
Where are they? They must give themselves up.
They cannot, they have no uniforms.
Without uniforms they will be shot as spies.
Well, they have had a good run for their money.
And they have still got their British underwear.
We will vouch for them.
I will phone the Colonel.
Coward! Oh, collaborator! Would you betray these fearless 'eroes to our sworn enemies? What do you mean, "fearless heroes"? All they do is hide! We are the fearless heroes.
And another thing - the Germans are our customers, they spend good money in here.
You get your priorities right! René! Edith! I have solved the prrroblem of the Brrritish airmen.
I used the rrrazor from your bathrrroom.
Oh, Maria.
How little I know you.
What have you done with the bodies? All I did was shave off their moustaches.
Oh, fantastic.
That will fool the Germans completely.
Can we come down now? Come! Oh, my God.
Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.
Nobody will suspect them, they look like the staff.
Edith, the Germans take the staff upstairs from time to time.
If they took these two upstairs wouldn't their suspicions become aroused? We are much more attractive - they would take us! And suppose there is a rush? - What are they saying? - I haven't the faintest, it's all in French.
If the Germans want to take them upstairs they must not go.
Um Ah.
- Uh.
- Ah! What's all that about? I think he said if Hitler pops in and asks us to go upstairs, we're not to go.
- Is Hitler like that, then? - Oh, yes.
And do not speak.
Er Shh! - Ahh.
- What was that about? If we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anybody.
It's not something you'd boast about it, is it? We understand! Who is that? The Colonel and the Captain! Oh, my God.
We must open the café! Maria, get these two into the kitchen.
Go, go.
- Welcome, Colonel.
- Welcome, our best customers! Over here.
Drinks for the Colonel and the Captain! - Sit down, René.
- Oh, er, yes, Colonel.
Now, what is going on? The motor mower engine was fixed to an antique aeroplane.
- How do you explain this? - I expect it was an 'oax.
A sort of practical joke.
We French are like that, you know - anything for a laugh.
- I have put two and two together.
- The Colonel is good at that.
Aeroplanes are flown by airmen.
You see? Do you promise that you are not helping British airmen to escape? Oh, Colonel, would I risk all this for that? Whoever is responsible has stirred up a 'ornet's nest.
General von Klinkerhoffen is doing his pieces.
While searching for the airmen he may discover the painting.
Is it safe? It is under your very nose.
- In here?! - Mm.
- Behind the bar? - No.
- Under the table? - You are getting warmer.
Where can it be? I spy with my little eye something beginning vith P.
Piano! - No.
- This is a silly game.
Where is it? It is in that picture.
That is what I spied with my little eye! I von! - What a good place! I'd never look there.
- No.
Colonel, the news is serious.
General von Klinkerhoffen is looking for you.
- He demanded to know where you were.
- What did you say? I said you'd knocked off for an hour to have a quick one at the boozer - before resuming your search.
- Why not say I was searching? He's such a dominating man.
His powerful stare makes me vilt and go veak.
I cannot say no to a man like that.
Oh, I wish I had that kind of stare.
We must drink up and get going, or we're for the high jump.
- Well, I'm only obeying your orders.
- You always say - General von Klinkerhoffen! - Oh! Stand up, you peasants! Up against the wall! Hands on heads! Stand still! Heil Hitler! What are you doing? I'm sorry, General.
Your powerful stare makes me vilt and go veak.
I cannot say no to a man like you.
Who is this idiot? He's my second-in-command.
Why are you here? You should be searching.
- We were looking for suspicious things.
- In the bottom of a glass?! - You're incompetent.
- Yes, General.
I agree! - We should have you court-martialled.
- Yes, General.
General, I should say I was only acting under the Colonel's orders, - stupid though they were.
- Silence! General, I can vouch for the fact that they have searched this place and while doing so they beat several peasants and kicked the proprietor in a brutal fashion.
Good.
This will go in their favour.
Now, let us see what we have caught in our little net.
It is I, Leclerc.
The pianist, General.
Oh, the pianist.
Can you play In Ze Mood? Out! We have found these two lurking in the kitchen.
I see.
- What are these? - Well, er The staff, Herr General.
Yes, this is Fifi and Gigi.
I've not seen these two before.
And it is hard to miss the one on the left with the big charlies.
They are from out of town, Herr General.
We are so busy we had to take on extra staff.
Are these the girls of easy virtue I've heard about? Well, fairly easy.
Hm.
There is much vork to do in my chateau.
They are requisitioned.
They start in ze morning.
General, I will be short-handed! They may return here each evening.
You are most kind, General.
That is all.
Come, Gruber! - The painting - A worthless piece of rubbish! - Is that not so, Colonel? - Terrible, isn't it? Is that so? Are you thinking what I am thinking, Gruber? - Van Gogh? - Mm.
Most assuredly in his style.
You know of these matters - have it authenticated.
- We are taking the picture.
- But that is stealing! Yes, that is stealing.
Oh, that stare again.
All vorks of art are ze property of ze Führer.
You may come to the chateau and we will give you a receipt.
Take it.
We will continue our search.
Colonel, Captain, follow me.
Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Oh, shut up! What are we going to do with these two? We must tell Michelle at once.
Michelle knows already.
How did you get there? In the Resistance we are trained to appear like phantoms.
I used ze trap door to ze cellar behind ze bar.
Listen, chaps, there's a real flap on.
Chances are you'll be spotted.
But without our uniforms we'll be shot as spies.
Without them, we can't give ourselves up.
- Exactly.
- Will somebody please explain? We must get them into uniform or zey will be shot.
But they have no uniforms.
Quick, we must get on ze wireless to London.
Hang on while I lock the till.
What are you going to do about the Fallen Madonna? Absolutely nothing.
The General has solved my problem for me.
- It is now up to the Colonel.
- Quick, we are wasting time.
Edith.
Edith! Come quickly to my assistance! What is the matter now, Mama? Why is my bed full of white-haired old ladies? Take no notice, she is hallucinating.
Hallucinating? How many pairs of feet do you think your poor old mother-in-law possesses? We were hiding from the Germans! We would not be arrrested drrressed as old crrrones.
Give me ze towel, please.
They are calling us! My God, the things you see when you haven't got your gun.
'.
.
Nighthawk.
'Allo Nighthawk.
'The airmen 'ave not arrived.
'We must assume they have crashed in the Channel.
'There will now be a two-minute silence.
Over.
' No, no, 'allo 'allo, they are still 'ere! They are disguised as French maids but they could be penetrated at any moment.
Over.
'Obviously an emergency.
What can we do? Over.
' Send British uniforms tonight.
Without them they will be shot.
Over.
'Sorry, no planes available for one week.
'All being used to make film called F For Freddy.
- 'Over and out.
' - No, 'allo - Was that good news? - I'm afraid not.
We need a new plan.
We'll have to get our thinking caps on.
If we don't get you into uniform I'm afraid you've had it.
Girls, please take off those ridiculous wigs.
Von Smallhausen, can you hear anything? They have ceased transmitting, Herr Flick.
It is fortunate we discovered the wavelength they were employing.
Ve have also discovered that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids.
Do you vish me to search all the French maids in ze town? What makes you think you would gain entry into any house with your hat covered in bird droppings? Herr Flick, I have brought you your cup of Gestapo Instant Beef Tea.
You are late.
And where are the croutons? Sorry, Herr Flick.
Was there anything good on the vireless? We have evidence that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids.
There are two new maids at the Café René.
Did you notice anything strange about them? Nothing I could put my finger on.
We will investigate.
Vot is so funny? Tommy Handley - "Can I do you now, sir?" Good moaning.
Good moaning.
Outside the front of your coffee, under the limp post are a couple of tits.
He means tarts.
We know about them.
They are the British airmen in disguise, there is a big search going on for them.
Get out there, make sure nobody picks them up, hm? Leave it to moo.
These heels are killing me.
You're the one who insisted on wearing them.
Well I've got jolly good ankles.
What are you going to do if someone tries to pick you up? Oh, what a good wheeze.
You look revolting.
KV! A punter! Mauve along, you rindy little man.
Rrrené, Edith.
You are wanted in the back rrroom.
It is Michelle.
Oh, 'eck.
M Leclerc, supervise the café.
And keep your fingers out of the till.
I have plans to hide the airmen where they will never be found.
For this operation I have recruited the bravest man in France.
I thought I was the bravest man in France? Not since you galloped off in that gypsy caravan.
Pay attention.
M Alfonse, undertaker - swiftly and with style.
Gracious, beautiful madame, I kiss your hand.
Every night before I go to sleep I think about you for ten minutes.
Sometimes longer.
Forgive me, monsieur, but you will be aware that to this gorgeous lady I have forever lost my heart.
And apparently your marbles.
Mademoiselle.
Mademoiselle.
Listen very carefully.
I shall say this only once.
I have heard it all before so for me it is twice.
M Alfonse has every night in his mortuary been digging a tunnel.
Vive la France.
You are asking, "Where does it lead?" I am not, actually.
It leads to the other side of the road.
Good.
On the other side of the road is the transit camp for British prisoners of war.
These are airmen who await transport to Germany.
In this camp the prisoners are also digging a tunnel.
The tunnels are about to connect.
The prisoners will escape when we have made the arrangements.
If you are thinking of bringing any more British airmen here you can forget it - we have not got rid of our present stock.
You do not understand, we will hide your airmen in the camp where they can obtain uniforms.
Oh, I think that is a wonderful idea! Yes, this is definitely the first time in history that British airmen have tunnelled into a prison camp! But how can we trrransport the airmen to the mortuarrry without arrrousing suspicion? There are Germans everywhere, there is a curfew.
M Alfonse and we of the Resistance have done our part.
The rest is up to you.
- Hang on a minute! - I must go now into the night.
When you have a plan, phone M Alfonse.
- But a-a-a - My card.
24-hour service.
Just a minute, how long have we got? They must be gone from here before morning.
Is that not typical? She gives us half a plan and then she disappears into the night! And she forgets her flashlight.
My brain is fermenting with an idea.
Bottle it and serve it up later.
I am going to lie down.
This is very humiliating, Hans.
Is a general allowed to commandeer your office? Is it in the rules? A general can do anything he likes.
I shall be the laughing stock of the army.
I von't laugh at you, Colonel.
You've always been very kind to me, in your bluff, overbearing way.
He's very quiet in there.
- He is checking your drawers.
- He won't find anything.
- Your Health & Efficiency magazine? - I told you to throw that away! The General will see you now.
Stomach in, chest out! Don't be ridiculous! - Heil Hitler.
- Tler.
Shh.
- Heil Hitler! - Tler! Stop whispering.
- Stop whispering, Hans.
- Come here.
I have read your reports on the occupation of the town.
Handwriting good, effort ineffectual.
I want results and I want them now.
If there are British airmen here I want them captured.
Every lead you have so far obtained points to this café, Café René.
It is highly suspicious.
For instance, why would a small provincial café - have a genuine Van Gogh? - A genuine Van Gogh? - A genuine Van Gogh?! - It will be sent to Hitler.
Would you like us to post it? No, you will concentrate on the café.
Ve vill close it down tonight, arrest everybody and shoot hostages.
We will show them who is boss.
Typical! Have you never heard the expression "softly softly catchee monkey"? Was that from the film King Kong? Every British airman who is shot down disappears.
They must be going somewhere.
Our best clue is this café.
Watch it as a cat watches a mouse.
But make no move without my permission.
That is all.
You may go.
- Heil Hitler.
- Tler.
- Heil Hitler! - Tler! Get out! Gruber! General? Zis, er, Van Gogh, it will be worth a great deal of money after the war, no? Yes indeed, General.
Can you keep a secret? Well, I've done pretty well up to now.
Have it copied - but say nothing to anyone.
Yes, General.
Herrs Otto Flick and Engelbert von Smallhausen of the Gestapo are here in accordance with your instructions.
Send in the Herrs.
You may go, Gruber.
Come in here! - Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler.
What arrangements have you made to keep the Café René under observation? We intend to infiltrate the café in disguise.
What sort of disguise? Not approved.
But you can stay and have a drink, if you like.
I'm not much to look at Not much to see Just glad I'm living And lucky to be But I've got a someone Crazy for me He's funny zat vay I can't save a dollar Ain't worth a cent He doesn't holler He'd live in a tent He must be in the tank corps.
You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself, you're supposed to be vatching.
The Colonel and the Captain are well away.
As newts.
Yvette should have no problem getting the gun.
Edith, if this plan of yours goes wrong there will not be a wall big enough to shoot us all against.
How else can we get the bodies to the mortuary? .
.
better off if I vent away But why should I leave him? Why should I go? He'd be much better off without me, I know I have a someone Crazy for me He's funny zat vay! - Mm - Oh, Captain! Oh, if you will take your naughty hand off my knee I will get you some more wine.
Sorry, I was just warming it.
I won't be a moment.
'Ere, I 'ave ze Captain's gun.
Quick, René, the blanks.
Oh, yes.
Quick, Gruber is coming across.
Put it back in his 'olster.
You have not lost your touch, I see, Lieutenant.
Just one of my little talents.
For a while I was a comic singer.
Your wife has asked me to play for her next appearance.
- Here is the music.
- Ah.
Spanish Flamenco Fandango.
Hm.
- What key? - Oh, she does not mind, she plays the castanets.
Where is M Leclerc? In the kitchen, tuning his violin.
- Where are the airmen? - Outside with the policeman.
Maria? Tell them outside to stand by.
Here is the tomato sauce.
- Tell them not to overdo it.
- Rrroger.
Here is your wine, Captain.
Oh, thank you.
Come along.
Oh, you bad, bad little German, you.
Olé! How do I look? It is you, Leclerc.
Are the blank cartridges in the revolver? You just do your bit.
- Do you know your words? - Of course.
They are here.
Stand by, I will give you the signal.
I will then send in the two tits.
I will myself enter after two shats from the revilver.
Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight is carnival night at the Café René! Mme Edith presents for you, by popular request, a Spanish extravaganza! It cannot be vorse than her singing.
Don't bet on it.
Ladies and gentlemen - Flamenco Fandango! One, two, three four! Olé! This is the hardest part.
Stop the music! How dare you! You faithless deceiver! Pleasuring yourself with women of the streets while I am working off my butt! Perhaps I prefer the women of the streets to an old clacker of castanets! Oh! Captain! Are you prepared to see me insulted in my own café in this manner? Well, I hadn't thought about it.
Dance on, strumpet, I am taking these two upstairs.
Oh! Y-Yes.
Mme Edith, how can you allow this insult to go unavenged? Allow me to strike him.
Stand aside! Die, like a dog! Oh, my God! I have missed 'im and shot the women of the streets! That was my gun! Colonel, that was my gun! She shot them with my gun! I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats.
You are holding in your hand a smoking goon.
You are clearly the guilty potty.
I did not do it! Tell him! I was not looking.
Officer, you have no authority over the glorious German army! This was just an ordinary crime of passion that happens in France on any Saturday night.
But if it comes to the ears of General von Klinkerhoffen General von Klinkerhoffen! .
.
that an officer allowed his gun to be taken from him, then he and his superior would be in very hot water.
You see, you are in it too.
For the usual bribe of 50,000 francs I trust you will overlook this incident? - Did I make those? - Shut up! Is there an undertaker in the house? M Alfonse, undertaker.
Swiftly and with style.
Oh, what luck! I will turn to this a blonde eye.
Remove the biddies.
Colonel, Captain, leave quickly out the back with your troops.
I will see that the General does not hear of this.
Take the Lieutenant with you.
Quick, Hans.
- Gruber! - I didn't do it! I did not do it! Shut up! Oh, René! They have swallowed it! They have swallowed it! I will tell you one thing, Edith - these Germans, they are so stupid.
There is no way they are going to win this war! One, two!