'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s03e04 Episode Script

It is possible that the more curious among you are wondering what I am fiddling with under the bedclothes.
I will not keep you in suspense.
It is a sausage.
In fact, it is the sausage containing the famous portrait of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp.
I bravely rescued it last night from under the very nose of General von Klinkerhoffen.
All I have to do now is give it to Lieutenant Gruber, who is the one who is a bit this way and that - mostly that - to copy the painting.
I can then give the original to the Colonel and the copy to Herr Flick, who will have another copy made for Hitler.
What could be simpler? Now you will understand why Van Clomp is not one of my favourite artists.
René? Is it that you intend to stay in bed all the day? Michelle is 'ere.
- I will come down.
- No, she is here.
I will ask her to come in.
Is nowhere sacred in this 'ouse? Are we alone? Yes, I think so.
Listen very carefully.
I shall say this only once.
We have a problem.
Ze escape aeroplane is at ze back of the transport museum.
What is the problem? In front are many antique vehicles.
Good.
Then we can abandon this harebrained plan.
No! She has another harebrained plan.
The Germans will be asked to give permission to hold an antique vehicle rally.
This will allow the removal of ze aeroplane, which is your responsibility.
My responsibility? Why me?! Because of your brave exploits, the Resistance have honoured you by selecting you.
Oh, what luck.
I hear a step on the stair.
It is a German soldier.
He is looking for the bathroom! Quick, Michelle.
Hide.
Sorry, I was looking for the khazi.
It's downstairs! Second door on the left.
It is my day off.
Lucky you.
Thank you.
Why do you sleep with a sausage in your bed? My wife sometimes likes a little nibble in the night.
Where is it, Hans? Just down the corridor, where it always has been.
The knife! The knife to open the sausage.
- Oh, yes.
I have it here.
- Good.
Give it to me.
Now, we must very delicately remove the painting from the sausage.
Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
I have brought for you zis bunch of vild flowers.
Herr Flick, how kind! Have you a vase or other receptacle? Yes, it contains roses, but I will throw them away in favour of these beautiful dandelions and belladonna, ragwort and vill-o'- the-visp and other things I do not recognise.
It sets them off vell.
I like vild things.
I know this to be true.
Do you wish me to announce you? In time.
First, you may kiss me.
Oh, thank you, Herr Flick.
Stop! Release your hair.
I wish it to cascade down your shoulders.
It is cascading! Then go to it! - I enjoyed that, Herr Flick.
- I knew you would.
Remove all traces of your lipstick from my face.
Now I will give you the bad news.
The sausage I obtained from von Klinkerhoffen's wardrobe did not contain the painting.
Some smart aleck must have got there first.
Oh, no, Herr Flick.
- Say nothing to the Colonel.
- No.
What about the good news? The good news is there is no more bad news.
- Announce me.
- Wait.
There is a speck remaining.
Hans there is no painting.
Just sticky garlic sausage! Somebody beat us to it.
Yes? - Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
- Herr Flick of the Gestapo! Calm yourself, Hans! Don't let him in! Keep him waiting.
- Hide the sausage.
- Hide the sausage, he says! Where do I hide the sausage?! Quick.
Anywhere! Go on, let him in.
Let him in! Herr Flick of the Gestapo! Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler! - Tler.
We were just reading the newspaper.
Yes, yes, we were just reading the newspaper.
Isn't the war going vonderfully? We should have them more often, you know.
We do them so well.
It has come to my ears that you have given permission for a display of old tractors.
We thought it would cheer up the peasants.
Yes, as well as making us look like jolly good eggs.
I do not trust the French.
There is always a purpose behind their requests.
Very well.
We will cancel it, Herr Flick.
And put the organisers in the nick.
You will do no such thing.
You will observe them closely.
You will find a way to mingle among them undetected.
With your experience, wouldn't you be better for the role? Yes, I hear you are a very good mingler.
Practically undetectable.
You have such a forgettable face.
I will be there in the vicinity.
If anything suspicious occurs, I will be on hand and I will take action.
That is all.
Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler.
- Tler.
Good day, sir.
Herr Flick of the Ge Oh, she knows.
René, how much longer do I have to remain behind the curtains disguised as a small boy? Maria, what are you doing dressed like that? Your wife made me do it.
General von Klinkerhoffen is still searching for me.
Until the search dies down, I must disguise myself by pushing my hair under my cap, taking off all my make-up and flattening my bosom.
Well, you have made a good job of the hair and the make-up.
Oh, Rrrené! Embrrrace me.
Crrrush your lips to my lips.
Make my knees trrremble.
Thrill me.
Send rrripples down my spine! - Very well.
Get the chair.
- Oh! René! Do I still make the little hairs stand out on the back of your neck? Something like that, yes.
René, what are you doing with your arms around Maria? I am flattening her bosom.
- Flattening her bosom? - Yes, you stupid woman.
Little boys do not have sticky-out bosoms! Oh, René Such an eye for detail.
Get behind the bar and try not to be noticed.
Go.
René, Lieutenant Gruber is in the bar.
He is asking for you.
Oh, Edith.
You deal with him.
He fancies me.
It is very embarrassing.
He is after the painting.
He wants to make a copy.
Oh, 'eck.
Tell him to come in 'ere.
I do not like to be seen talking with him.
Lieutenant Gruber, René invites you into the back room.
Oh! A rare honour.
Hello! Good day to you, René.
Oh, how cosy.
Zis is the first time that I have seen your rear quarters.
Amen to that.
This is a delicate matter, René.
I have just heard from the Colonel.
He is hopping mad that he obtained only an empty sausage.
Ah, do not worry, Lieutenant.
I got the one with the painting for you to copy.
Marvellous! You have a brave streak, René.
You must have taken it from under the very nose of the General.
Under his very knees.
I was hiding under the bed.
It is now safe under the bed of my wife's mother.
Follow me.
What are you doing with that sausage? Oh! I prayed to God and he left it under my bed.
You prayed to God for a sausage? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, but obviously, this was as near as he could get.
No, no! No, don't eat that, you stupid old bat! But it is canvas! It is the name of Dutch butcher, Van Clomp.
Oh, my God! Do not worry.
We can invisibly mend it.
Why are you bringing into my bedroom Germans? If there is any more canvas, spit it out.
Germans! Germans! They rape defenceless women.
Oh, this one does not.
He is my friend.
Collaborator! Collaborator! In-laws are so much trouble! Yes, this is why I do not get married.
Flashing bed knobs? René, what does this mean? Er, it means that she wants to go the bathroom.
We must leave, quickly.
Quickly, Lieutenant.
I say, Carstairs.
I think we better answer the wireless.
My God, what a wretched morning! Arrrgh! Leave it alone! No, no, no, you do not understand 'ow to make it work.
Leave it alo-one! - What's she saying? - It's all in French.
- So how will we use this? - Well, I know a little bit.
Well, go ahead, then.
'Allo-o-eu? - Was that it? - Yes.
'Allo, Nighthawk.
We 'ave 'ere the commanding officer, 'who has asked for the British airmen, Fairfax and Carstairs.
Over.
' I recognise our names! HELLO-O-O-OO? WE ARE HERE! 'Hello? Wing Commander Hargreaves here.
' Ha! It's Randy Hargreaves again! 'Are you still coming over in that antique kite?' - As far as we know, yes.
- 'I see.
'Well, aim for Eastbourne, keep over to the right 'and we'll have a big net ready for you.
' Roger! 'Oh, and there's a fast train to Victoria at 5:30.
'You buy the tickets and we'll refund the money.
' - Oh, good show.
- Bang on.
'Oh, by the way, your girlfriend sends her best regards.
' - Who? Deirdre? - 'Yeah, that's right.
'I'd put her on the line but, er she's in the shower at the moment.
' - In the shower? - 'Over and out.
' They don't call him Randy for nothing, do they?! Foreigners! 'Allo, soldier 'Allo, you naughty boy, you.
Have you got a light? - Thank you.
- Can I do for you anything else? Oh, I do not think so.
Yvette, what are you doing? You will give my café a bad name.
It is my afternoon off.
I am trying to save enough money so that you and I can take a train to Paris and disappear.
Oh How are you doing? I have enough money for ze bus to ze station.
Perhaps you should have a spring sale.
Ooooh, René.
'Old me and kiss me, just for a moment.
Yvette, I am a respectable café owner.
I cannot be seen with a woman of the streets.
'Allo, soldier If you do not mauve along, I shall knock you for solociting for immoral porpoises.
You English twit.
I am Yvette, the waitress.
I do not care.
You are on my potch.
I have my dirty to do.
Go and take your puddle with you.
I say, you chaps.
What are you up to? Just having a breath of fresh air.
Well, don't get caught.
It is I, Leclerc.
I am disguisèd as a clown.
The disguise was not necessary.
And I have a message from Michelle.
She will arrive to collect the motor from the mower that is in the Bath chair, which is to go into the aeroplane that is in the museum ready for the take-off.
She is off her rocker.
Also you are to collect 200 feet of elastic to make a catapult to assist it into the air.
200 feet of Where will I find 200 feet of elastic?! Every man in the village will give up his braces.
I have already given up mine.
Vive la France! Look out.
There are Germans coming.
Get them on - quick.
Get them on, get them on! And now, ladies and gentlemen, with your permission - never before seen in Nouvion - seven clubs in the air at one time.
Never before seen! Music, maestro, please.
Ha-ha! Seven! Hey! I did not say I could catch them.
Where is René? We wish to speak to him.
Oh, he is just clearing a table.
He will be here in a minute.
Ah, Captain, Colonel, I am sorry if I have kept you waiting.
I was just dealing with a strolling idiot.
René, there are going on things ve do not understand.
Really, Colonel? - A drink on the house, perhaps? - Thank you.
For instance, where is the motor of the General's lawn mower? - Search me.
- We did.
We didn't find it.
Second, this vehicle rally.
What is behind it? Oh, nothing, Colonel.
It is just us simple peasants enjoying ourselves with old steam engines and tractors and things.
We are, after all, all little boys at 'eart, are we not? This is true, yes.
I still sleep with Herman, my teddy bear.
I warn you, René.
Herr Flick will be there and we shall also be there.
Mingling.
Truthfully, Colonel, there is nothing unusual going on in the village.
My braces.
Why did this man give you his braces? It is a secret society, Colonel.
Yes, it is the Grand Order of the of the - Of the Night Owls.
- Of the Night Owls.
Yes.
The Grand Order of the Night Owls.
I am the Grand Master.
He is the Big Hoot.
That man has just been initiated.
Yes.
For three weeks, he must go around with no braces.
What have braces to do with night owls? Night owls do not wear braces.
That is why he has taken them off.
It's all quite logical when you think about it.
Do they have girls? I varn you, René.
We will be keeping our eye upon you.
I am no fool.
And I am no fool either.
Er, Captain Your 'at.
Oh, yes.
'Allo, Captain Your doggie looks tired.
Edith, you heard what he said.
This is far too dangerous.
We must tell Michelle to call the whole thing off.
You have the guts of a jellyfish.
Yvette.
Maria.
Now, listen carefully.
Michelle said this only once.
Tomorrow morning at 9:30, we must be in position on the museum road.
Edith, are you mad? We will stick out like a carrot in an omelette.
Do not interrupt.
We will be disguised as road workers.
When they draw the vehicles out, we run in.
What do we do then? Michelle knows the rest of the plan.
For what rrreason can she not rrreveal the rrrest now? That is all she has told me.
If we are captured, the less we know, the better.
I would be quite 'appy to know nothing at all.
Oh, that poor old lady.
Help her.
Thank you, my child.
I was just gathering a few sticks as kindling for my fire.
You can share mine.
I have some in ze back.
You will be rewarded, child.
Give me a seat at ze bar.
Listen very carefully.
I shall say this only once.
Oh, my God! I have come for ze Bath chair.
Why are you disguised as the grandmother of my wife's mother? Well, no one will suspect an old lady in a Bath chair.
They will if you do not cover up your legs.
The Bath chair is outside.
Yvette, Maria, my lad, help this exceedingly ancient old lady to the Bath chair before she kicks the bucket in my bar.
Thank you, my children.
You will be rewarded for your kindness.
Who is the piece of crumpet? Oh, Rrrené! Ze sight of your white body is driving me frantic! The yearning, I am finding it 'ard to control it.
Hold me to you with your strong white arms.
Yvette! Rough road menders do not 'ug each other.
Drat it! My stockings have laddered under my trousers.
Stop complaining.
Empty your barrow.
Edith, do you have to behave in that disgusting manner? It is part of my character.
Why all this digging? I thought we were going to fly out.
It's all part of a clever wheeze by that dishy Resistance girl.
Have you got a bit of a pash on her? I have, actually.
KV! Here comes a tank! Stop! Stop! Excuse me, madame, vich vay do I have to go to get to ze Museum of Ancient Vehicles? Mind your own business.
I shall take no notice of this rude peasant.
Drive on, Clarence.
Hmph! Halt! You! Digging peasant, where is the museum? I am speaking to you! Turn and face me or I will shoot you with my big gun.
It It is that way.
René! You! Why are you digging the road? We are repairing it for the glorious German tanks.
But your beautiful artistic hands will be ruined.
It is a terrible war.
Here, take my driving gloves.
I normally only wear them when I am firing my gun but I will not be shooting today - it's a pleasure trip.
Off we go, Clarence.
Bye! I am forcing ze rubber pipe over ze nipple.
How fortunate that you are here.
I have no experience of this sort of thing.
It would be beyond your capabilities.
It is stiff and hard.
It is done.
Now, I will watch the gauge.
You will pump.
Place your feet in ze stirrups.
Bend over.
It is more effective if you grip it firmly with both hands.
Now - pull! Thrust! Pull! Thrust! Pull! Thrust! Faster! Faster! Pull! Thrust! Pull! Thrust! Thrust! Thrust! Thrust! It is building up! Thrust! Thrust! Thrust! Thrust! We are nearly there! Pull! Thrust! Pull! Thrust! I cannot keep it up much longer! You must! Thrust! Thrust! Pull! Thrust! I am pulling and thrusting, Herr Flick! Stop! Stop! Was that all right? For me, excellent.
How about you? Exhausting.
But very exciting.
- Was this your first time? - Yes.
Never before has one gone flat on me.
More coal, Hans! More coal! More coal, he says! All the time more coal.
When do I get a go with the wheel? Ten minutes you've had it.
Who commandeered the steamroller? - Who put the drivers in jail? - You did, Colonel.
That's why I'm at the veel and you're at the coal.
Can I work the whistle? Just one toot.
That is more fun than driving it.
Is it? I can see smoke.
Quick - my powerful binoculars.
Keep still.
I can see smoke and smell lily of ze valley.
That was the perfume you gave me.
You're not supposed to bath in it.
Hmm.
We need to be closer.
Very well, Herr Flick.
Get your nose out of my ear.
Put these away.
Hey, whoa.
Psst! It is I, Leclerc! Where have you been? People stop me and I have to tell for them their fortunes.
What is happening? I have a message from Michelle.
The tractors are leaving the shed.
Come, get in quick, I will take you there.
In the back, everybody.
Hey, hey, hey, be careful of the Crown Derby.
And watch out for his crystal ball.
You can sit beside me, you 'ave a lucky face.
What an honour.
Michelle! Michelle, an armoured car is approaching.
Have ready your guns.
If necessary, we will shoot.
But ze bullets will bounce off.
Do not be a defeatist.
Pay attention! Ah.
Hello.
Pay attention! I will lead ze procession to ze town square.
You will keep to the main road.
You will stay very close behind me and there will be no deviation.
Toot your tooters if you understand.
The museum's the other side of the hedge.
We will leave this thing here and creep closer on foot to see what is happening.
Hans, leave the tooter alone.
You'll use up all the steam.
Tote that barge, lift that bale.
Put on some more coal in case we have to make a quick getaway.
Ve vill stop here, creep forward of the hedge and observe what is going on.
Yes, Herr Flick.
Bring my powerful binoculars and ze rug.
The rug? I do not vish to get little bits of straw all over your uniform.
You think of everything, Herr Flick.
One must take precautions.
Ho, whoa boy.
Whoa.
We will wait 'ere till the rally moves off.
Pay attention! I will fire my gun as a signal to start.
Don't worry, it's only a blank.
Fingers in ears, Clarence.
Forward! Clarence, drive on! They are moving off.
In we go.
René, bring the elastic.
Oh, but should I not stay 'ere and look after the 'orse? Keep it ticking over.
It is, after all, our getaway caravan.
Leclerc will look after the 'orse.
What a fine sight.
Hans, we must slip in amongst them unobserved.
Unobserved? In a steamroller? Don't argue.
Can I drive? Oh, very well.
They are so big and heavy.
Did you feel the earth tremble? Yes, indeed, Herr Flick.
It was a memorable experience.
What happens now? Come! We will follow in my staff car.
More coal! Here we go.
You fool, you're going the wrong vay! Oh, dear! Fore! - Where's the brake? - Reverse the lever! It is stuck! If there is anybody in the car, please get out of it very quickly! - How do you stop it? - Reduce the pressure! How do you reduce the pressure? Let off steam, you fool! Colonel! Oh! Oh, dear.
That was Herr Flick's car, Hans.
Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
Is there a panel beater in the town? Who has sqvashed my Gestapo staff car? It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick.
Heil Hitler.
This is very serious.
The Gestapo is only insured third party.
The convoy is disappearing, Herr Flick.
We will have to travel on this.
Quick! Follow those engines! Full speed ahead.
OK, chaps, over here.
- In you go.
- Jolly good! - Are you going to drive, Carstairs? - All right, I'll have a go! - Is there a handbook? - It's quite simple.
The elastic is tied to that car and round the undercarriage.
We start you up, the car is driven off.
When the braces are stretched we pull away the chocks and off you go.
- Ha! Piece of cake! - Where's England? When you're in the air, turn right and keep straight on.
You start it, I will drive it.
Do not talk to me with a pipe in your mouth.
Maria, when I give ze signal, you and Yvette will pull away ze chocks.
- Rrroger.
- Lisette, stand by on ze propeller.
Standing by.
Switch on! Contact! Put your back into it! They have started theirs already.
I am killing myself 'ere.
Sissy! You have to feel for the compression.
Hold the choke.
How do you know so much about it anyway? I used to drive one of these when I was a young girl.
You got it from the 1904 motor show, I suppose.
I am the 'ero of the Resistance.
I am driving! - We are ready! - All is clear! - Good luck, chaps.
- Tickety-boo! Bang on! Go! As fast as you can! - Put your foot down! - It is flat on the floor! Stand by! Stand by! Here goes! Why are we slowing down? It is the elastic.
It is at full stretch.
Release the chocks! It is jammed! I cannot shift it! I cannot hold it! You will 'ave to get out and push.
I think there has been a right nose-up.
Quick, back to ze café.
Good.
I will use the supercharger.
We will disappear like phantoms into the woods.
Wait for me!