'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s03e03 Episode Script

Ooar! Ooh! Are you by any chance curious to know why I am looking through this keyhole? In that room is Mme Lénard, of the Brides Parisienne Boutique, which is a very grand name for one room above the ironmonger.
My wife Edith is still determined to marry me, so Madame Lénard is showing her lingerie for our wedding night.
I was looking through the keyhole because Mme Lénard herself is modelling a transparent nightgown.
And she is very well arranged.
The day of the wedding has not yet been fixed, so I am a free man, unless I'm arrested by the Colonel for stealing the sausage containing the priceless painting, the title of which you know full well but I will just remind myself of it.
Oh, my God.
Van Clomp would have run out of paint.
The priceless painting itself is on its way to the chateau with Maria for Lieutenant Gruber to copy it, because he has artistic leanings.
Lieutenant Gruber is a very long way from the perpendicular.
René! I have been selecting for our wedding night some lovely surprises.
Mme Lénard has some beautiful things under the counter.
She had some pretty good things above the counter as well.
Ooh, René.
Something terrible has happened! I followed Maria.
She has been arrested by the personal guard of General von Klinkerhoffen! Oh, my God! What will happen to her? She has nothing to be afraid of.
She is just a slip of a girl.
Not such a slip! Concealed among her bosom is the knockwurst belonging to the Colonel, containing the real painting.
If they torture her, she may reveal all our secrets! My God! My hat! My coat! Oh, my brave René! He is going to rescue her! Are you mad? I am going to stay with my cousin in Bordeaux.
He has a loft.
I can 'ide in it until the end of the war.
Stay where you are, you coward! How dare you think of leaving! Is this how you want to be remembered? I do not wish to be remembered at all.
- Tell them you've never heard of me.
- Stay where you are! Until you come to your senses.
René! What's going on? Er my wife was just proposing to me.
- Cognac.
- Cognac.
René.
Here.
We have had news from Helga that Herr Flick is looking for his sausage.
- Gruber has been sent to get it.
- You did not tell him where it was? He threatened to take away my livelihood by driving a tank through my café! Drive a tank through your café? The German swine! - But you held out.
- He said he'd shoot my wife.
- That was when I cracked.
- Oh, René! - So you gave it to him? - Not exactly.
I sent it to Gruber so he could copy it and give it to you.
The copy will go to Herr Flick and then we are all in the clear.
Gruber will want some of the action.
There is one snag, Colonel.
The sausage was sent with Maria, who has been captured by General von Klinkerhoffen.
She had the sausage strapped across her bosom.
Any minute now, he may get his hands on it! If Maria cracks under the interrogation, the General will arrest René.
And if he cracks, he'll say you gave him the painting and you will be on the carpet.
- Dead.
- You're right.
We'll shoot René now and stop the rot.
Thank you, Edith.
If you shoot René, then also you will have to shoot me.
Could you shoot her first? She's causing trouble.
Enter.
Ze French girl is outside.
Are you ready to interview her? Yes.
Does she give any explanation for her presence? She said she came to see Lieutenant Gruber, your ADC.
- Bring her in and send for Gruber.
- Yes, General.
In here.
You may go.
You are trembling.
Do not be afraid of me.
I am not a monster.
- What is your name? - Marrria Rrrecamier.
You were found snooping around my headquarters.
Why? I had a rrrendezvous with Lieutenant Grrruber.
A most unlikely story.
But we should be able to verify this.
I have sent for him.
You have very small feet.
Yes, General.
Hardly big enough to support the rest of you.
Take off your coat and your hat.
I am cold.
I would rather remain as I am.
Do not defy me, girl! - I am reluctant.
- Get them off, do you hear me? Gruber! - I could come back later.
- Come in and shut the door.
This girl tells me that she came to see you.
- Did you order a girl? - No, I don't think so.
Do not be afraid to own up.
It is wartime and we are the conquerors.
- We all have our needs.
- He ordered this! I see.
There really is nothing straightforward about you.
No, you misunderstand, General.
No, it was necessary for her to conceal the knockwurst in this way in case the hungry French peasants fell upon her and devoured it.
You were, of course, going to present it to me, hoping to ingratiate yourself with me.
You have got it in one.
Give it to me, girl.
- Shall I hang it for you? - No, you will not.
My, my.
It is a whopper! Ah, it has a little swastika.
What a thoughtful touch.
What are you going to do with it? The kitchen staff eat everything.
I shall hang it in my wardrobe to mature.
You may go, Gruber.
- What about the girl? - Do you have a use for her? Nothing I can think of, no.
Hm.
It occurs to me that some French peasants have stolen ze motor of my mower.
Let it be known when the motor is returned, I will release the girl.
Go into the bedroom.
You may lie down there.
No, not on the bed! On the mat! Long live France! Do not push your luck.
Edith! Yvette! Ma Oh Anyone! How much longer must I wait here? I am here, Mama.
I am here.
I have been selecting lovely things for my wedding night.
Oh! For your wedding to M Alfonse.
No, Mama.
I'm going to marry René.
René? No, no, no.
No, Edith.
No, no.
Come here.
Come here.
Sit down.
Now, do not do this thing.
He is a no-good bum.
But Mama, I love him.
And he is hiding we know not where.
Herr Flick of the Gestapo is looking for him.
Gestapo! Pah! It's the knobs! It's the knobs! The flashing knobs! What is this old bat doing in my bed? This old bat is hiding from the Gestapo! Gestapo! Pah! René! It's the wireless.
Tell them Nighthawk has migrated.
You have the liver of a lily.
I will get the British airmen to help.
Hello! - The wireless! - Ooh! It's going! - Grab the other end, Carstairs.
- Roger! "Allo, Nighthawk.
'Allo, Nighthawk.
'Are the airmen with you? Over.
' Yes, they are both here beside me.
Over.
'I have here their commanding officer.
'Put them on the line.
Over.
' - Here.
- Hell! Hello! Fairfax here.
'Hello, Fairfax.
Wing Commander Hargreaves here.
' It's Randy Hargreaves! Hello, sir! - Hello! - 'Hello.
'Is there any chance of you getting back? We're getting a bit short of pilots.
' The Resistance are planning to find an old crate from the museum.
They're going to put a motor-mower engine in it.
'A motor-mower engine? Is it reliable?' It drove a Bath chair to the hat shop yesterday.
- 'How far?' - A couple of hundred yards.
'We won't count on you, then.
Good luck.
Over and out.
' Oh! Edith, the police are here.
The police?! Police! Police! Back in there.
No, Edith.
It is not the real police.
It is that English idiot who thinks he can speak French.
Good moaning.
I have come to arrost your mither.
Arrest her mother? Why? What has she done? She has been pissing fudged banknotes in the hit shop.
What does Crabtree say, Yvette? I think he means she has been passing forged banknotes in the hat shop.
- Precoseley.
- Edith.
Remind him he is supposed to be on our side.
Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mither? I have been asking the same question.
It is I, René! My Gid, that was a god disgueese.
I was completely deceived by the wog.
Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off.
There is no need to be rode.
Ah, yes.
This was taken last year at the Gestapo holiday camp.
See, they all wear black leather bathing shorts.
Some of them fit very well.
Here we are doing the leapfrog.
Oh dear.
How amusing.
We have all fallen over into a great big heap.
Now we are struggling to untangle ourselves.
Now we are jumping in the icy waters of the lake.
It's just as well.
Here we are doing the exercises.
Why are some of you wearing skirts? The ones wearing skirts are girls.
I didn't know you had girls in the Gestapo! Who do you think types the threatening letters? Why is my phone ringing? Answer it! Why is this phone ringing? Why do you not read instructions? Herr Flick has his calls held till five o'clock.
You thought it said what? It most certainly did not.
Someone has written it down incorrectly.
He thought it said four o'clock.
- It's very urgent.
- Flick.
Yes, von Smallhausen.
I see.
You have done vell.
I vill deal with the matter.
Von Smallhausen has discovered that the sausage containing the painting is hanging in the wardrobe of General von Klinkerhoffen.
Oh dear.
What do we do? What if he has it for breakfast? We must substitute a real knockwurst for the knockwurst containing the painting.
But how do we gain access to the General's quarters without arousing suspicion? There are in the chateau many secret passages.
If the attention of the General is diverted by a woman of the opposite sex in whom he has already expressed an interest, I would have time to affect the switch.
And where would we find such a woman? The General has already indicated to me that he considers you a great piece of crackling.
Do you think I could pull it off? You have read my thoughts.
You will enter his quarters, you will take the gramophone.
You will wind it up and do a teasing dance, pulling off various outer garments.
This will distract his attention for two and a half minutes.
Will it work? It always worked with me.
It's a long, long way to Tipperary But my heart's right there Colonel, a little bit of cheese has dropped inside my ear hole.
- What shall I do? - Try banging your head on the table.
The dear Captain.
How he loves my singing.
Oh, 'eck.
Psst! It is I, Leclerc.
Man of a thousand faces every one the same.
I am an old Italiano organ-a grinder Keep your voice down! You're embarrassing the monkey.
I have-a da bad-a news.
Maria is-a de hostage.
They will not give her back till we return-a the motor.
- We must rescue her.
- And the sausage! The knockwurst that was round her knockers is in the wardrobe of the General.
Could we not train the monkey to go in and steal the sausage? He's been on the organ-a ten years, he can't even turn-a the handle.
Go about your business.
Keep your ear to the ground.
René, Michelle wishes to see you in the back room.
Ah.
Look after the bar.
- Where is she? - I am here.
Oh.
Listen very carefully.
I shall say this only once.
Good.
This position is killing me.
Tonight there is no moon.
Here are the details of ze plan to enable you to steal the aeroplane from the museum.
- What?! - We cannot! Maria is in the hands of General von Klinkerhoffen! General von Klinkerhoffen? That ruthless fiend? He wants his motor returned in exchange for her freedom.
But without the motor, the plane cannot fly.
So we are up the creek without a paddle.
- René and I will rescue her.
- You speak for yourself! - I have a plan! - Oh I know all the secret passages at the chateau.
I worked as a serving maid there when I was a girl.
That was so long ago they could all have collapsed by now.
This is very serious news, Lieutenant Gruber.
Very serious.
Hans, you have been to staff college.
How do you get a sausage out of a wardrobe in a general's dressing room? Hmm, I think I must have been away that day.
Colonel, the marquis who constructed the chateau built into it many secret passages in which runaway priests used to hide.
- Who was chasing them? - Mostly the marquis.
I read about it in the chateau library.
There is also a map.
One such passage leads to the General's dressing room.
Ah.
Now we are getting there.
You, Hans, can creep down this passage and grab the sausage.
- But he will see it has gone.
- Good point.
Yes, I thought so, too.
I have a very clear, analytical mind.
It's still there.
You will put another sausage in its place! But what if the General comes out of his bedroom? I have it.
Lieutenant Gruber can occupy the General's attention.
I do not quite see how I could do this.
You'll find it easy.
You have an engaging, sparkling personality, a roguish smile.
What German general could resist you at 1am with a bottle of whisky in your pyjamas? I learned that at the staff college.
- Very well.
I will do it.
- Good! So, while I am leading René through the secret passages to switch the sausages in the dressing room, you, Yvette, will enter the chateau disguised as a serving maid.
You will go to the General's bedroom with an hot-water bottle.
Give Maria this note, telling her of a secret entrance inside the wardrobe in the bedroom.
Then distract him for two minutes.
She can escape and René can get the sausage.
A more harebrained scheme I have never in my life heard.
But how do I distract the General? Shall I take the flying helmet and the wet celery? No! You are a serving maid.
Make do with a feather duster.
Are you listening? I wish a snack.
Send up some smoked salmon, caviar, cold chicken, strudel and a bottle of champagne on ice.
Is that clear? Let it be done.
General.
Please, may I return to my home now? Certainly not.
You're my hostage.
You will remain here.
But I am a civilised person.
I will allow you to share in my snack.
I will not eat with an enemy of France! The night is young.
We shall see.
Get back on the mat.
You must stay close.
These passages are very complicated.
For the sake of heaven, Edith, I Edith? René? René, where are you? If you do not stay close behind me, you will get lost.
- Where are we now? - This is the Great Hall.
When I was a serving girl I used to polish it.
We are supposed to be in the bedroom! It is a short cut.
Who ever heard of a short cut in a secret passage? Somebody's coming! They have gone.
We are going to get caught.
We are going to get caught! Pansy! Listen.
At the end of the stairs is the entrance to a secret passage which leads to the General's dressing room.
Follow me.
Shh! Mind my polish! Hans, where are we? - In the cellars.
- I know that! Whereabouts in the cellars? Look at Gruber's plan of the chateau.
It um It all depends on whether that is the north or that is the north.
- Have you got a compass? - Yes, on my Swiss Army knife.
Hang on.
Here we are.
That is the north.
In that case, we are going the wrong way.
Quick! There's somebody coming.
Who are you? What are you doing? Hans, you fool! What are you doing? You're knocking out our own people! It was a good shot, wasn't it? - What are you looking for? - There was concealed here a knob.
Hurry up.
Yvette will be doing her piece in three minutes.
Shh! Someone approaches! Quickly! Hide! Leave me alone! Go somewhere else! Edith, you did not tell me this place was haunted! A suit of armour with a limp has just walked past.
Look out! Someone else is coming! - Who is there? - Your refreshments.
A moment! Come here.
A German general should not be seen with a French peasant girl.
Get in the cupboard and stay there.
Enter.
I'm afraid there was no caviar, Herr General.
I'm sorry.
Instead I have obtained some cod's roe.
Hm.
Unfortunately I can tell the difference.
Oh, well.
So be it.
- Shall I bring it in? - Of course.
The coast is clear.
Come out.
Will you join me in a glass of champagne? Only if you promise to release me.
We will discuss this after dinner.
- Who is there? - It is the maid! A moment! Quick, back in the cupboard! What kind of relationship can we have if you throw me in the cupboard every time we're interrupted? When the maid is gone, we will be alone.
Enter! - I've come to warm your bed.
- That is not necessary.
My bed will be warmed by more interesting methods.
- You may turn it down.
- Yes, Herr General.
René! What are you doing under the bed? What are you doing in the commode? I have come up the wrong passage.
- How do we get in? - I am looking for the knob! Ow! How is it I have not seen you before? Normally, I am peeling potatoes in the kitchen.
But I can also peel other things.
How dare you assume that I would compromise myself with you? Who is there? - It is I, Helga! - What do you want? I have for you a present from Herr Flick.
- A moment! - I will hide in the wardrobe.
No, no! It's full! Under the bed! Do not ask.
Enter.
The present.
Am I to understand that Herr Flick has sent me at 1am a present of a gramophone? Not only this, General.
He has sent me.
Ha! The wardrobe! - What's going on? - Helga is doing a striptease.
We haven't got time for that Helga?! Oh, Colonel.
I'm all steamed up.
- Get the sausage.
- Oh, the sausage! - We've got to go.
Come on.
- Oh, Colonel! My God, if he finds me under here, I am a dead duck! Rrrené! My brave René! Press your lips to my lips so we can die in one grand embrace! René! What are you doing in the wardrobe with Maria?! You stupid woman! What do you think I am doing in here? She has fainted with cold fear.
I am reviving her with the 'eat from my body.
Just you wait till I get you 'ome.
Someday I'll find you Leap up behind you Oh, dear.
Is there anything I can do? Yes, wind the gramophone.
And if you don't fancy that one, there's a spare in the wardrobe!