'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s03e02 Episode Script

Madame Peyet is in the family way.
She is pleased.
Her husband is not.
He has been in the nick for two years.
Rumour has it that the father is Maurice Gazier, whose mistress is Madame Coisette, the milliner, whose brother was ADC to General Claude Cavillon, the hero of Ypres, which is where he obtained his wooden leg, which he keeps on the mantelpiece.
You have not met any of these people and nor are you likely to but I thought I'd fill you in on a little local gossip because my affairs are so complicated, I would not know where to begin.
Rrrené, I have a message from the Rrresistance.
- The communists or our lot? - Our Rrresistance.
The Alsatian has rrreturned to Lieutenant Grrruber with the sausage which he rrretrrrieved.
Thank you, Maria.
Thank God he was not a Rottweiler.
The sausage is the one containing the forged painting of the Fallen Madonna With The Big, erm which the communists stole from my kitchen and then demanded a ransom of 800,000 francs.
René.
I just met M Alfonse, the undertaker, in the square.
He is wanting the return of his money.
I told him you were dealing with it.
So is has gone home quite happy.
Thank you, Edith.
This is the money that he lent us to pay the ransom on the understanding that the German colonel would organise an ambush to snatch it back.
This he failed to do so the communists still have the money.
How do you tell an ageing old undertaker with a weak heart that his entire life savings have gone, hm? By telephone.
Nouvion 302, please.
Oh.
Ah, you are on duty again, Antoinette.
Are you still listening in on everybody's phone calls? Madame who? What, the milliner? Another one? Well, how does she find time to make the hats? This is where I get it all from.
'Allo, M Alfonse, how are you? It's René from the c No N- now, are you sitting down? Oh, you are laying out.
Embalming? Oh.
Can you do that with one hand? Is it, er, anybody we know? Oh, yes.
Well, he was not looking well.
I have some news for you, the sausage has been returned.
It went like clockwork.
The money? Well, it is safe.
Well, no, not exactly here, no.
You will have to wait a few days before you can have it back.
No, M Alfonse, the Resistance do not pay interest.
Herr Flick, I have something to report.
Helga, how did you get in here? I used the key that you personally gave to me.
You do not use that key during working hours.
That is only for emergencies and for secret assignments previously made and approved for private canoodles.
Sorry, Herr Flick.
Conceal it upon your person.
That is not easy, Herr Flick.
You will think of something.
What is your report? I have to report that Lieutenant Gruber has returned and has been apprehended by your agent, von Smallhausen, who is here now.
Tell him to come in here.
Come in here! - Report.
- Following your instructions, I apprehended Lieutenant Gruber.
He was in the act of doing his exercises by performing press-ups on the carpet.
- Did he put up a struggle? - No, we took him by surprise.
- He is outside.
- Bring him in here.
Bring him in here! You sent for me? Your dog stole a very important Gestapo sausage.
- Where is it? - Well, er thinking that the doggie might fancy a sausage a bit later for his dinner, - I put it in my refrigerator.
- And zat is where we found it.
- You have it? - Yes, it is outside.
Then bring it in here.
Bring it in here! Open it.
There is nothing there but a plate of minced meat.
Gruber, have you been mincing? The little doggie is very particular, he will not touch chunky food.
But that was a valuable painting in the sausage.
I know.
I removed it.
It's in the ice compartment.
You have ruined one of the world's greatest masterpieces.
If I may say so, that was not the masterpiece, - that was the forgery.
- The forgery? - The forgery? - The forgery? So, somebody substituted the forged painting in the Gestapo sausage for the real painting in the Gestapo sausage when the sausage was in the café.
Or the Resistance substituted the forged painting for the real painting in the Gestapo sausage when they stole the sausage.
Or you, Herr Gruber, with your well-known leaning towards art, have substituted the forged painting for the real painting and your dog returned the sausage to your quarters, cleverly mincing the sausage to remove all traces of my little svastika, which I had placed on the side of it.
So that now, I will never know whether it was the original sausage or just any old sausage.
Absolutely correct, Herr Flick.
So, Gruber, the finger points at you.
But why would I tell you that this was a forgery, knowing full well that it would make you cross? I could have told you my doggie had eaten it.
I think this man is innocent.
What sort of a Gestapo officer are you, saying a man is innocent? But if what he said is true and this is a frozen facsimile, then the real painting must still exist.
Which means that it can be found by skilful Gestapo investigations.
Hm.
That sounds more like the Gestapo.
So, the last place at which we know for certain the painting existed was at René's café.
You, Gruber, are friendly with this man.
Well, we get on quite well.
See what you can wheedle out of him.
If he will not squeal, offer to run a tank through his café.
Oh! Oh! Oh, ze flashing knobs.
Roger.
Roger! I think we are getting the message.
Oh.
What do we do now? It is so long ago, you have taken me by surprise.
- Oh! - I say, is someone going to answer that damn thing? - I was fast asleep.
- It could be London.
It may be for us.
Come on, take the other end.
Oh.
Oh.
Aah! Leave it alone.
Leave it alone.
I have not touched anything.
- How does the damn thing work? - Loudspeaker's in the jerry.
"Allo Nighthawk.
'Allo Nighthawk.
'Are you receiving me? Are you receiving me? Over.
' - What's he saying? - I've no idea.
It's all in French.
Let me get hold of it.
I know how to make it work.
I'm glad one of us does.
'Allo, 'allo.
This is Nighthawk's mother-in-law.
Pass your message.
Over.
"Allo, 'allo.
'Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan in Never-Never Land.
'Over.
' I think we have the children's programme.
No, no, Fanny.
It is in code.
- Code? - I shall decipher.
Er, it, er The print is so small, I cannot read.
- "Allo Nighthawk's mother-in-law.
' - 'Allo.
"Allo, nighthawk's mother-in-law.
'Are you reading me? Over.
' Er, no, no, the print is too small.
Please send a bigger book.
Over and out.
- René.
- Huh? These mussels, they're not good.
Is your wife using a new spice? Such as hair tonic? They come from the usual harbour, dear Colonel.
I think one of your submarines is leaking a little diesel oil.
Due to the fact that the RAF blew it up.
All the RAF has been shot down.
Goebbels said so on the wireless.
So it must be true.
Mind you, he said Eva Braun was 29.
If you believe that, you believe anything.
- Somebody may be listening.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Colonel, Colonel, I have a slight problem.
The money you promised to ambush, the owner wants it back.
Well, hard chicken.
That was the bargain.
I was to get the money for the painting, give the painting to you and you were to ambush the communists and get the money.
We did not get the painting.
Gruber's dog got the painting.
It could be in any number of places.
Especially if the doggie ate it.
Anyway, the matter is closed, so far as we're concerned.
Which brings us to the main reason for our visit.
- Girls.
- Ah, yes.
The girls.
We have for you, René, 12 litres of paraffin, four kilos of sugar and one kilo of butter.
Oh, thank you, Colonel.
That should cover the flying helmet and the wet celery.
Whoo-hoo-ho.
What if we chuck in 500 cigarettes? For 500 cigarettes, I would throw in a fully-wound cuckoo clock.
That does not sound much fun.
You wait until it strikes 12.
- Done.
- I will arrange it.
- René.
- What? Are they going to give us the money for M Alfonse? No, not an 'ope.
- Then Yvette has a plan.
- Good.
In the back room.
Yvette, in the back room.
Maria, tell M Leclerc to join us in the back room - as soon as he has finished his solo.
- Right.
Yvette, sit down.
Now, tell René of your plan.
M Leclerc, the forger, has been secretly slipping away to the cellar.
I have spied on 'im.
He is forging money.
We could give to M Alfonse forged money.
Edith, Leclerc is not a good forger.
But I know M Alfonse.
He will not even look at the money.
He will put it straight back in his mattress.
- He is dead stingy.
- It is deceitful and underhand.
It is a good plan.
How do we persuade M Leclerc to reveal to us where he has hidden his secret hoard? M Leclerc's here.
Leave this to me.
Ah, you wish to see me.
M Leclerc, I do not wish to spread panic but the café is on fire.
Oh, well, I shall go and Fire! Fire! My God, my savings.
My life's savings.
Eh, h-huh, my money! Eh! My money.
My money.
Ah, Officer Crabtree.
Can I get you a Cognac? No, I am not alood to drunk when I am on dirty.
I am amazed that no one has penetrated your disguise.
I have been licky but I have had some narrow squawks.
I wish to spook with René.
Kill him and get me a ciffee.
René.
- Good moaning.
- Ah, Officer.
How kind of you to patronise my humble café.
What are you doing here, you nit? You'll get us all nicked.
Michelle has a massage for you.
Sat here and she will jin you at this toble.
Ah, I must be aboot my bossness.
A poloceman's lit is not a hippy win.
And he is supposed to be on our side.
Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan in Never-Never Land.
There would be very little point in your saying that twice.
I've no idea what it means.
How will you ever help us if you do not learn your code book? It means the plan of escape for the British airmen has been approved by London.
Good.
What plan? To escape in ze aeroplane from ze museum.
Surely you are not going ahead with that harebrained scheme? It hasn't even got an engine.
We have stolen from General von Klinkerhoffen ze engine of his motor mower.
Michelle, he will do his nut.
You are going to hide it for us.
Where is it? Switch it off! We will leave it 'ere.
No one will suspect.
It is your mother-in-law's Bath chair.
More of ze cursed enemy approach.
Come, Lisette, we will melt away.
Good morning, René.
I, erm, I was just out for a little spin and I thought I would drop by.
Oh, good.
How pretty your tank is looking today.
I just gave it a polish.
Now, I have a little fancy for something from ze bar.
Ah, Maria or Yvette? - A Cognac.
- Of course.
Will you come this way? Maria, a Cognac for Lieutenant Gruber.
Of course.
Good morning, Lieutenant Gruber.
Good morning.
Shoo! Shoo! Now, René I wish to speak to you man to man.
Is this good news or bad news? - I have a problem.
- I can imagine.
I am in hot water with the Gestapo.
That can be very uncomfortable.
Herr Flick believes that you know the whereabouts of the sausage with the real painting of the Fallen Madonna.
- With The Big - Correct.
He has given me the task of trying to wring this information out of you.
If you do not cooperate, I have been ordered I have been ordered to I cannot say it.
Go on, Lieutenant, say it.
What have you been ordered to do? Drive my little tank from where it is parked into your garden at the back.
Well, what is so terrible about that? In a straight line.
- Through your café.
- I see.
Lieutenant, what I am about to say to you is in the strictest confidence.
Just between you and me.
René, I am your friend.
Yes, well, erm There is another sausage containing the original painting, the real one.
It is bricked up in my cellar.
It belongs to the Colonel and the Captain.
Then all you have to do is unbrick it and give it to me.
But that would drop me right in it.
The Colonel will have me shot.
I will take you to my quarters and hide you.
Yes, that that is a good plan for starters.
Let us see if we can think of another one.
- I have it.
- I thought you might.
How about substituting another forgery in another sausage? But we have not got another forgery.
These days, it is hard enough to get the sausage.
I think I could provide a copy, if I could see the original.
Are you an artist? Well, I have leanings, you know.
And not a little talent.
Before I was a window dresser, I was employed in an art gallery.
Occasionally I was allowed to touch up old masters.
Well, one has to start somewhere.
Let us go down to your cellar and examine it.
No, no, I will retrieve the painting and have it delivered.
Bring it yourself.
Come at the dead of night to the side door.
Knock four times.
A little trap will open in the door.
Ask for Véronique.
This is your code name? No, it is a maid who works at the chateau.
She will show you to my quarters.
Sorry.
Why do you sigh, Maria? It is the life we lead, Yvette.
It is terrible.
Climbing those stairs time after time to entertain men.
- It is not right.
- Oh, I agree with you.
We should have a room on the ground floor.
- Hello.
- Oh, Captain.
I have with me the goodies.
The paraffin is outside.
Oh, that is the Colonel.
He is in a bad mood.
We tossed to see who should bring these to you and I won.
Now, who is to get this little bottle of perfume? - Oh, me, me, me.
- Ah, toot, toot, toot, toot.
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a French girl by her toe.
If she hollers, who's to know? Out goes you.
- It is yours.
- Thank you.
Oh, Maria.
We will share.
We will both wear it tonight.
Coming, Colonel.
Now, how about a little cuddle on account? - Oh.
- Mm.
Eh-heh! Oh! I hope you're not being nice to me just because I'm a conquering hero? Oh, what are you making? The speciality of the day - frog's leg soup.
Ooh.
It looks delicious.
Save a portion for me for tonight.
All those legs, they remind me of the Folies Bergère.
Tonight, we will remind you of the Folies Bergère.
Woh-ho! - Coming, Colonel! - Captain Geering? Did you remember the battery for my cycle lamp? - Oh, yes, yes.
I have it here.
- Oh! - There we are.
- You beautiful man.
Oh, don't tickle.
No, no, no, you mustn't tickle.
- You sent for me, Herr Flick? - Yes, Helga.
You are three minutes late.
My duties with the Colonel end at 5:30.
I have to tidy the office and then have a schnapps with him.
I hope that you did not enjoy it.
Not at all.
Good.
You may kiss me.
Stop! Also, you had a cheese biscuit.
The Colonel always insists that with my drink, I also have a little nibble.
Now pay attention.
I will shortly be inviting you to the Gestapo club.
- Are you pleased? - Of course.
To be in the club with the Gestapo will be a great honour.
I know.
You will be my partner at the annual Gestapo dance in Berlin.
First, there is a banquet with the traditional boar's head, baron of beef, frankfurters, strudel, sauerkraut and oodles of beer.
And the place will be full of big noises, including Goering and Himmler.
I can't wait.
At midnight, you will be expected to dance the traditional Gestapo dance.
- How does it go, Herr Flick? - I will demonstrate.
You put your left boot in You take your left boot out You do a lot of shouting And you shake your fists about You light a little smokey And you burn down ze town Zat's what it's all about Heil Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler Switch that off.
Yes, Gruber.
Yes.
Carry on, Gruber.
Gruber has a good lead and hopes to track down the painting.
This is good news.
What do you want, von Smallhausen? I have to report a serious case of sabotage to the lawn mower of General von Klinkerhoffen.
Ze engine has disappeared.
This is very mysterious.
Who would require the engine of a lawn mower? Possibly, Herr Flick, someone who possesses a lawn mower without an engine.
You will not be a smartarse with me, von Smallhausen.
What shall we do about General von Klinkerhoffen's lawn? It will be untidy.
Get some peasants to eat the grass.
Of course, Herr Flick.
At once.
Now, you are quite clear what you must do? Yes, Rrrené, I go to the side door of the chateau, I rrrap four times on the door, a trap will open and I request to be taken into the presence of Véronique.
No.
Véronique will take you to Lieutenant Gruber.
- Then what do you do? - Give him the sausage.
- Good.
Where is it? - Here.
Good, nobody will suspect.
Go now.
- Rrrené.
- What? - Embrrrace me.
- Of course.
Mm.
- Hold me tighter.
- No, no, I must not.
I might crush your knockwurst.
Off you go.
Rrrené, after we are married, we will look back on all this and laugh, will we not? Oh, Maria, we will have hysterics.
Now be off with you.
- René.
- Hm? Your wife wishes to see you in the back room.
She is alone.
René, are you going to tell her zat you are going to marry me? Yvette, not at a time like this.
We are just about to open.
But René, she keeps giving me funny looks.
Perhaps she suspects there is something up between us.
- Yvette.
- Where is What are you doing? The poor child, have you not heard? Her grandmother has died.
She died three years ago.
The shock has just hit her.
Take ten minutes off, dear girl.
Compose yourself.
- Light a candle.
- Thank you, René.
- Yes.
- Oh, René, always so compassionate.
I thought you were waiting for me.
I was.
I was looking at the photograph of our wedding and it brought it all back to me.
You were tall and handsome.
I was young and beautiful.
Yes, it is amazing what those photographers can do.
René, we should have a wedding without delay.
The village expect one.
The Germans expect one.
You are not expecting one, are you? Madame, M Alfonse, the undertaker, is coming down the road in his horse-drawn hearse.
He is having trouble with his brakes again.
He will be coming for his money.
Attend to him at once.
René, you will get my money back from him and give it to me, like you promised? Of course.
My wife will go into his rooms and do what is necessary with the mattress.
Long live France.
Indeed.
As you say, M Leclerc, long live France.
Ah, what a tale we shall have to tell our children.
Children? Oh, Madame Edith.
She has not got one of these in there, has she? Shut up.
You are combing your hair very nicely, Hans.
Thank you, Colonel.
I see you have polished your head.
We have to look our best for the girls.
Ooh, Colonel I know what they are going to do with the cuckoo clock.
- What? - Charge for an extra bird.
Ah, good evening, Colonel.
Good evening, Captain.
- Hello.
- How handsome you both look.
I must welcome M Alfonse.
Maybe next time round the horses will grow tired.
Meanwhile, I will take this opportunity to sing for you a song entitled I Looked Everywhere For Love And Found It - Under The Table.
- .
.
In My Heart.
M Leclerc, the introduction, if you please.
- Cheese, Hans.
- Yes.
M Alfonse! I hope you will excuse the delay, Madame.
It is my new horse, he is not used to the hearse.
- I was about to sing a song.
- Oh, well I am just in time.
Sit down, please.
Oh, you look enchanting, Madame.
The glint in your hair, the dancing lights in your eyes, the inviting gloss on your sensuous lips, your heady perfume.
Where is the money? René.
The little parcel for M Alfonse.
Ah, yes, yes.
Here it is.
Here we are, monsieur.
The small amount of money that you left with me for safekeeping.
Merci, monsieur, thank you.
You'll want to take it home straightaway and put it in a secret hiding place known only to you and me.
Of course.
But first, I wish to say how relieved I am at having recovered my nest egg.
It puts me in a generous and expensive mood.
I would like to invite you all, each one of you, to take wine, champagne, Cognac, anything you desire.
Monsieur Alfonse, undertaker, swiftly and with style, will pay ze bill.
- With that money? - Of course.
Monsieur, you are far too generous.
You must not spend all this money.
Not in here, anyway.
Come along, René, don't be a wet blanket.
If he wants to buy us all free drinks, let's have a party! - Free drinks! - You don't under No, no, please, please Do not go mad.
Small measures, small measures.
For Madame Fanny, the beautiful mother of Madame Edith, 5,000 francs to buy a new bonnet.
- Oh.
- A new bonnet for Mama? - No, monsieur is too generous.
- No, no, Roger! Quickly to the milliners before they close.
- Monsieur René.
- What? This is for your front door which I slightly damaged by being thrown through it by my horse.
And this is for your chickens which I ran over with my hearse.
Thank you, monsieur.
The ringing of your till must be music to your ears.
Music, yes.
I could strangle the composer.
- René.
- What? If my mother spends that forged note in the hat shop, our cover will be blown.
Well, then, stop her.
Where is she? M Leclerc's taking her there in the wheelchair.
The wheelchair? Oh, no, not the wheelchair! What is it? Have you got the brake on? - No, Fanny.
- Well, push harder.
The shop will close soon.
M- Monsieur Leclerc, come back here! C Fanny, my love, what shall I do, what shall I do? Turn right at the traffic lights, take the second on the left.
Oh-oh-oh!