'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s03e01 Episode Script

Can it be the breeze that fills the trees With rare and magic perfume? Oh, no, it is Are you by any chance thinking that I am singing in the bath because I am happy? No.
You are wrong.
I am singing in the bath because there is no lock on the door.
Happy? I most certainly am not.
The British, who scarpered like scalded cats at Dunkirk, are obviously not coming to rescue us.
They should have been here by now.
All they do is send messages on the wireless to the Resistance telling them to shoot the Germans.
This makes the Germans very cross.
So they, in their turn, shoot the Resistance and a few hostages for good measure.
By the time the British get here there will be nobody left.
Who is it? Oh It is I, your wife's mother.
Go away! I- I wish to use the little girl's room Oh! You are a big girl now.
Use the one outside in the yard.
The one outside is frozen! Well, have a hot cup of cocoa and run.
Will they give me no peace? As I was saying The Brit What is it now? Psst! It is I, Leclerc.
- Er May I use the erm - No, you may not.
Get out.
As I was saying, the British What is it? It is I, Yvette.
Are you ready for two big jugs? Er, yes, come in.
- Ah.
- Shall I let you 'ave it? By my feet, yes.
Ohhh! Oh! Oh, the old boiler is in a terrible state.
I do not know why I married her in the first place.
Oh, René, when we are married, will it always be like this? Possibly.
Oh, just the sight of your body covered in bubbles drives me wild.
I will scrrrub your back! Now, where is the soap? Oh! I will get it.
Ah! There.
There.
Be careful with it, that is all that I 'ave.
Ah.
Tonight I will get a bigger one from the Colonel.
I should not be surprised.
René! René! How much longer are you going to be in the bathroom? My mother wishes to avail herself of the facility.
I told her to use the one in the yard.
The British airmen are hiding in it.
You'll have to put her in the wheelchair and take her to the one in the town square.
The Germans have padlocked it ever since someone wrote on the wall that poem about Hitler and his shortcomings.
She'll have to contain 'erself, I'll be out in a minute.
One day you will get what you deserve.
Not with people coming in and out of the bathroom all day.
- What is Yvette doing in here? - Yes, what are you doing here? Er, I brought in the jugs.
Then you have no reason to stay.
Go about your business.
Hurry! - Yes, René.
- Oh, René always the disciplinarian.
Would you kindly leave now? I am about to remove the plug.
I'll fetch you a nice, hot towel.
Oh, Edith, those stairs - they are too much for you, my dear.
Er, send up Maria.
Oh, René, always so thoughtful.
Psst.
Are we alone? Not for very much longer, I suspect.
Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
Why is it that you say things only once? I shall say this only once because I am clinging to a rusty drainpipe.
I 'ave a plan to get rid of the British airmen who are 'iding in your outside bog.
Well, that will be a great relief to my wife's mother.
Now, pay careful attention, this is the plan.
The brackets 'ave cracked and are coming away from ze wall.
What does that mean? It means you are going to need a new drainpipe.
I would go to her assistance but you will understand the position I am in.
Love is where you find it You'd be blinded, it's all around you Everywhere Eve-ry-where! Oh, I will have to stop putting cheese in my ears.
Why is this, Hans? I woke up this morning, there was a mouse on my pillow.
Mme Edith has an unusual voice.
Was it trained? Oh, yes but it escaped and returned to the wild.
- Your usual, Lieutenant? - Thank you.
Thank you.
You are looking very pink and fresh today.
I saved up my water ration and my soap ration to have a bath.
I have a very big bath at the chateau if ever you want to luxuriate.
How the conquering heroes live! If it was not for those meddlesome Resistance people, it would be quite a peaceful life.
And, er talking of Resistance There are rumours about you, René.
It is said that you are something that you don't appear to be at first sight.
I have heard the same about you.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I hope you are never interrupting anything.
The Colonel vishes you to sit at his table.
I was just going to ask you to sit at mine.
Vell, ve asked first! First come, first served, I'm afraid.
Maria, take over the bar.
Make sure the Lieutenant gets what he wants.
Oh, can't I just take over the bar? - René! - Yes, Colonel.
- Sit down.
- How are you today? How is the war going? Do you have the half-time score? That is what I want to talk to you about, René.
I know you have helped some British airmen to escape.
- Well, I - But I'm prepared to vipe the slate clean.
Ah, thank you, Colonel.
But you must promise to stop helping the Resistance.
- Of course, Colonel.
- Promise me on your honour? Colonel, you must understand, I am in business, some of the Resistance could be my customers.
- Without my knowing - Don't be devious! Promise me.
On your honour.
- Well - On your honour as a Frenchman.
Oh, well, that is different.
You have my word.
Good, you may buy us a drink.
Rrrené! Rrrené, the most drrreadful thing has happened! There's a rrrow of sausages in the kitchen.
- Why is that so dreadful? - Somebody has rrremoved one, the one with the little swastika on it.
- What? - The one with the swastika? That is the personal sausage of Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
It contains the painting of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies.
Rolled up.
Don't get confused, Hans, it contains only the forgery.
The real one is still safe in my cellar.
There you are, nothing to worry about.
I do have something to worry about, what if Herr Flick asks for it back? - Tell him it's been nicked.
- He'll have me shot! No, he won't.
I'm the commandant here.
Herr Flick has no authority to have you shot.
He will have to ask the Colonel.
And he will have you shot.
- That makes me feel better.
- René! René! René? You wife is trying to attract your attention.
Take no notice.
It won't be anything important.
It may be very important.
She may wish to sing another song.
- René! Go at once! - Yes.
What is it? The grandfather clock in the back room needs winding.
Edith, we have no grandfather clock! It is code! Do you never read your code book? It means the Resistance is in the back room.
Oh, 'eck! Zat English idiot who thinks he can speak French is outside.
Good moaning.
It is not "moaning", it is evening.
- What do you want? - Michelle of the Resistance washes to tick to you.
She has had a nursty occident by failing off a drainpoop.
All right, you know the code book, what is he saying? Carry her this wee.
And do not let her drip.
She has strooned her back and has also a compost fricture of the left log.
Listen very carefully, I shall whisper this only once because I am in great pain.
Her log is in Plister of Poris.
My God, what did she land in? I have a plan to get rid of the British airmen by air.
Oh, no, not that balloon again! In the museum is an exact replica of the plane used by Pierre Laconte to cross the Channel in 1910.
Pierre Laconte? I 'ave never heard of him.
Think back, you must have done.
It was not in the paper.
He tried to cross the Channel before Blériot.
He crashed but the plane is still airworthy.
Except that there is no engine.
What good is it without an engine? The engine of a lawn mower would give sufficient power.
So? What do you want me to do about it? Steal the plane, find a motor and contact me in bed three, ward seven, Nouvion General Hospital.
She has pissed out.
- What bravery.
- What fartitude.
You had better get her out of here before anything worse happens.
And do not drip her Drop her.
She is ready for your inspection, Herr Flick.
Good.
It's very generous to buy me a suit out of Party funds.
I had no alternative.
I could not take you to the Gestapo club looking any old how.
Now, let me see.
Hm.
The shoulders are good.
But the lapels are not good.
Hmm.
The vaist is good.
But the sleeves are not good.
I think the skirt is excellent.
I do not agree.
- How about the hat? - Approved.
Herr tailor? You will do better.
Or something nasty vill happen.
Yes, Herr Flick! I am sorry to interrupt if you are in the midst of an interrogation.
Avert your eyes, von Smallhausen! I have important news.
Helga, retire behind the screen and reclothe yourself.
Yes, Herr Flick.
The Resistance have kidnapped your Knockwurst sausage and are demanding a ransom for its return.
Why should I pay a ransom for a Knockwurst sausage? It appears that the sausage contains a valuable painting which you, no doubt, were keeping safe for Hitler? That is correct.
When did you learn of this? I received the information at 11 o'clock this morning.
That was four hours ago.
Why did you take so long to inform me? The message was wrapped around a brick and thrown at my head - I have just regained consciousness.
- This is very serious.
- It's not as bad as it looks.
The theft of my sausage is serious.
They are demanding 800,000 francs.
If you do not pay up they will deliver it to you two inches at a time.
- Helga! - Yes, Herr Flick? Your Colonel is in charge of security.
Tell him that if the painting is not recovered he is to burn down the town.
Except for this building.
- Yes, Herr Flick.
- Herr Flick I have a small but comfortable apartment over the bakery.
Could you perhaps make some special recommendation about it? Yes.
Sell the toaster and do not pay ze rent.
Edith! Yvette! Maria! Ohhh why does nobody pay attention to an old woman when she is banging? What is the matter? We are busy downstairs running a business.
Oh, Edith, I am going mad.
Why do I keep seeing strangers in my bed? Do not worry, Mama, there are strangers in your bed.
Hello! Do not be afraid, it is the British airmen.
Airmen? B-But w-why are they dressed like two decrepit old bats? Because, if the Germans search the place, they will not suspect two old ladies in your bed.
Oh, it seems very strange to me.
It is strange even to me and I am a Frenchman.
Shut up! Go to sleep.
This is a very serious situation, René.
If we do not recover the sausage I vill be compelled to burn down the town.
He vill obeying orders.
Ve all have to obey orders.
Colonel, it is very simple.
Just give Herr Flick your sausage containing the real painting.
Tell him you got it from the Resistance.
René, it is my pension! - Our pensions.
- All our pensions.
You know these Resistance people, you must explain to them and get it back.
Otherwise their lovely town will be burned down.
I have news for you.
The rumour is this is not just any old Resistance.
- It's the Communist Resistance.
- Communist Resistance? Their funds are low, they need the money to buy explosives to blow up your tanks and trains.
- It is all in a good cause.
- Shut up.
Colonel, I have a plan.
Helga has a plan.
Why do we not give them the money and then ambush them and take it back? It sounds rather risky, Helga.
But you have at your disposal a whole regiment of troops.
But if he turned to hand over the money with a whole regiment wouldn't the Resistance become suspicious? Of course they would.
That was a stupid suggestion, Hans! Every time I make a suggestion you shoot me down.
You are destroying my confidence.
I feel this big.
I am like a vorm! Useless, worthless.
Have you finished? Yes.
But I'm very hurt.
Helga, forgive me for asking but where are you going to get the money? We can use dummy money! If you do that they will shoot you on the spot.
Yes! I'm not the only one who makes stupid suggestions! That one was a real stinker.
Colonel In the safe in your office you have the money.
- The troops' wages.
- We have to pay them on Friday.
- What if we don't get it back? - We could give them IOUs.
Two-one.
It is your town they're going to burn.
You find the money.
Where am I supposed to find 800,000 francs? - Have a collection.
- I could sing at all the cafés.
They would pay you hush money.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Shhh.
It is I, Leclerc.
I have received a message from the Resistance.
Er This here.
Hang on, there may be a reply.
Not bloody likely.
"Pay the money tomorrow, midday, or sausage will be sliced.
"Arrangements to follow " Oh, my God.
If they cut it, Herr Flick will make you burn the town.
And everything for which I have worked and slaved all these years will be gone.
What? Colonel, I am desperate.
What is to stop me giving Herr Flick the painting in my cellar? - A bullet from this.
- Be reasonable, Colonel, where am I going to get 800,000 francs by midday tomorrow? - Rob a bank.
- How can I? Everybody knows me.
You could wear one of my stockings over your face.
And how am I supposed to see through 30-denier lock-knit lisle thread? You can see through Helga's stockings.
I expect.
But the banks have guards.
I will be shot and finish up in the mortuary.
The mortuary, of course! Monsieur Alfonse, the rich undertaker.
- What about 'im? - He has money.
Lots of money.
It is hidden in his mattress.
Our problem is solved.
Your wife will borrow the money, we will pay for the sausage, the Colonel will lay an ambush to arrest the communists and we will recover the ransom.
There is always a simple solution, is there not? Inform us as soon as you know the meeting place.
Come on.
Oh You have to hand it to these Germans.
They are wonderful at organisation.
What is so wonderful? We have to get the money.
René! I have a message from Michelle.
If you steal the motor mower on Thursday, the aeroplane on Friday, then the airmen can leave on Saturday.
I think Michelle has concussion.
Have you seen my wife? She's upstairs preparing herself in all her finery for a dinner with M Alfonse.
Oh, René.
Why don't you persuade her to marry M Alfonse? Then I could be with you forever.
Loving you, kissing you 'olding you.
Oh, I am so wild about you, I find it 'ard to control myself.
So I see.
You can have a quick cuddle before she comes down.
Ohhhh! Right, time's up.
Get the napkins.
Ohhh, you You animal, you! Rrrené! In a moment your wife will be down.
Lift me in your strong arms, embrrrace me! Prrress your body to my body.
Crrrush your lips to my lips.
Bury your face in my neck! Rrruffle my hair! Oh! You have just failed to beat the clock.
René, M Alfonse is 'ere.
Maria, get the soup, you put the napkins down and come with me.
Ah, M Alfonse, welcome to my humble restaurant.
René, I was burying the widow Blanquette when I received the invitation - I dropped everything.
- Ah, M Alfonse.
- Mme Edith.
I feel like a man 20 years younger.
So does she but we need his money.
I have arranged for us a little dinner for two in the private room in the back.
Alone? But what about M René, the hero of the Resistance? Er, I am going to be heroic behind the bar.
But our meeting concerns the Resistance.
We feel it is time you joined our ranks.
To kill and to die for France is the dearest wish of any Frenchman.
Then you should be easily satisfied.
Step this way, please.
Maria? The soup.
Would you care for a rrroll with your rrrepas? Thank you.
That will do, girl.
You may leave us.
Allow me, Madame to fill your bowl as I would wish to fill your life.
Oh, M Alfonse, you are such a gentleman.
I endeavour always to be refined, Madame, in my thoughts, my words and my deeds.
Delicious.
- Have you seen the pepeer? - Yes, the news is terrible.
I was referring to the pepper for the soup.
- It is on the side table.
- Of course.
One twist or two? Two.
It is old but it still grinds.
And now, Madame to what do I owe the honour of this delightful dinner? My fiancé René lives a life of constant danger.
Any moment he may fall off his perch.
Perish the thought, Madame.
There must be someone who will do what he has been doing.
Madame I tremble with excitement and anticipation.
- In the Resistance.
- Oh.
This also I will do.
- Just call me when I'm needed.
- You are needed now.
- In the Resistance? - Shhh! Just tell me, Madame, how a weak, short-sighted, slightly crippled old man with a dicky ticker can help you and you will receive my fullest cooperation.
We need funds.
Money.
Oh, of course.
The Resistance do not take cheques.
Pardon my stupidity, Madame, of course.
I 'ave my wallet.
- Just name the figure.
- It is a lot.
No sacrifice will be too great.
800,000 francs.
M Alfonse! Keep breathing, keep breathing! Keep breathing, keep breathing.
Do you think she's going to get the money? She is certainly earning it.
Hans, are you sure this is the right bridge? Yes, Colonel, this is definitely the place.
René should be here vith the money at midday.
Is the secret camera operating correctly? I vill demonstrate, Colonel.
Do you think anyone will suspect an owl vith a three-second exposure? Only another owl, Colonel.
Keep still, Hans.
Trees don't wriggle up and down.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I am having a problem vith a squirrel.
I think he's looking for some nuts.
My ambush troops should be taking up position by now.
I cannot see them, Colonel.
Of course you can't, Hans.
They're disguised in a manner that will not arouse suspicion.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right It is all right, Herr Flick, the coast is clear.
Do you think we are safe from detection? Definitely.
No one vould suspect us dressed in the manner of girls of the Resistance.
Can you see the rendezvous, Herr Flick? I am observing through my powerful binoculars.
Have you anything to report? An owl has just raised its feathers to reveal a 35mm Leica between its legs.
Perhaps it is the mating season.
Put it away, Hans.
I can see the ambush.
They're in position.
Where is René with the money? He's late.
Maybe he was arrested by the troops at the roadblock.
You underestimate me, Hans.
I have equipped him with a disguise that will enable him to pass freely though the countryside.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, right, left Shut up! Can you never underplay anything? - There is the bridge.
- Eh? Where we are to meet the girls of the Communist Resistance.
There is the bridge where we are to meet René's party.
They will be disguised as Germans.
Germans? Halt.
Zere is ze bridge.
To the left you will be observing the girls of the Communist Resistance.
Zay will be in possession of the sausage.
Beyond the bridge you will see the café owner and his party disguised as German soldiers.
Zay will be in possession of the ransom money.
Everything is proceeding according to plan.
I'm not much to look at Not much to see Just glad I'm living and lucky to be But I've got a someone who's crazy for me I'm funny that way Halt zere.
- Do you have the money? - Yes, we have the money.
- Do you have the sausage? - It is here.
Bring ze money forward.
Place it on the ground.
Retire ten paces.
When we have checked the money, then you will get the sausage.
Halt! What is going on here? This is very suspicious.
Erich, Kurt, sit! These communists, they trust nobody.
It is all there! We'll get it all back again when the Colonel's troops arrive.
Where are they? In a moment they will arrive at the rrrendezvous, rrrecover the money and rrreturn it to us! It is correct.
Er Check it again if you like.
Where have they got to? Here is your sausage.
Hey! Come here, you naughty boy.
Come here! Come here with that sausage! Drop! Drop! Allez! Stupid It is a trap.
Quick, into the woods.
Oh! A dog has just apprehended the Gestapo sausage! Arrest him! Three Resistance girls are escaping.
Ve vill pursue them! Hans! Our pensions! Quick! Come back, dog! Come back, you stupid dog!