'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s08e01 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU SEE BEFORE YOU A MAN
MORE WORRIED THAN USUAL.
MY YOUNG WAITRESS YVETTE
HAS ANNOUNCED
THAT SHE IS PREGNANT.
AND WORSE STILL, IT APPEARS
THAT I AM THE FATHER.
APPARENTLY, IT CAME
AND WAS DUE TO
AN ENCOUNTER
THAT WE HAD
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD
DURING AN AIR RAID.
I DO NOT REMEMBER
THE EXACT NIGHT,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT,
BUT YVETTE ASSURES ME
IT WAS THE NIGHT
WHEN THE BANGS WERE
AT THEIR BIGGEST.
FORTUNATELY,
MY WIFE EDITH
DOES NOT KNOW
WHO THE FATHER IS,
OR SHE WOULD
HIT THE ROOF,
NOT TO MENTION ME.
IF I COULD ESCAPE,
I WOULD
BEFORE, AS THE OLD
FRENCH SAYING GOES,
THE BUN IN THE OVEN
HITS THE FAN.
IN THE MEANTIME,
MY HAIR IS LIABLE
TO FALL OUT OVERNIGHT
WITH WORRY,
IF MOST OF IT HAS NOT
DROPPED OUT ALREADY.
- OHH-HH, RENE.
- OHH.
OH, RENE, I HAVE
AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE
THAT IS
DRIVING ME WILD.
NOT THE BROOM CUPBOARD
AGAIN.
NO, PICKLES.
PICKLES?
OH, IT IS A DESPERATE
CRAVING.
I CANNOT GET ENOUGH.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
COME HERE, GIVE ME THAT.
THESE ARE
FOR THE CUSTOMERS.
IF YOU WANT ANY MORE,
THERE IS A BIG BARREL
IN THE KITCHEN.
I'VE ALREADY EATEN THEM.
YOU WHAT?
- OH, RENE.
- OHH.
HOLD ME. HUG ME.
KISS ME.
( coughs )
PERHAPS LATER OUTSIDE,
IF THERE IS A FAVORABLE
WIND BLOWING.
OH, I AM SORRY, RENE.
IT IS BEING PREGNANT
THAT GIVES ME THESE CRAVINGS.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
AND HUG ME.
OHH.
( both inhale )
OHH!
- OH, RENE.
- RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
THAT THIS POOR INNOCENT
CHILD IS PREGNANT?
- OHH.
- SHE WAS OVERPICKLED.
IF I HAD NOT CAUGHT HER,
SHE WOULD HAVE FALLEN.
GO INTO THE KITCHEN.
EAT SOME DRY BREAD.
IT WILL SOAK UP
THE VINEGAR.
OOH. AND OPEN
THE WINDOWS.
YES, MADAME EDITH.
OH, RENE, I AM SORRY.
I DID NOT REALIZE
SHE WAS FEELING
UNDER THE WEATHER.
YES, WELL, IT WILL PASS.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME
I THINK YOU SHOULD BE
AS SUPPORTIVE AS POSSIBLE.
YES, YOU ARE RIGHT.
OH, RENE,
DO YOU NOT THINK
HER PREGNANCY
HAS BROUGHT TWO PEOPLE
CLOSER TOGETHER?
IT HAD OCCURRED
TO ME, YES.
IS IT NOT TIME YOU DID
THE HONORABLE THING?
WHAT?
AFTER ALL,
WE HAVE BEEN LIVING
UNDER THE SAME ROOF
WITH THE WHOLE VILLAGE THINKING
YOU ARE MY DEAD HUSBAND'S
TWIN BROTHER.
SHOULD YOU NOT DO
WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTS?
WELL, HOW DO THEY KNOW
THAT WE ARE NOT?
I MEAN, GET MARRIED.
WE COULD HAVE
A SECOND HONEYMOON
EVEN MORE MEMORABLE
THAN THE FIRST.
WELL, IT WILL TAKE
A LONG TIME
TO FORGET THE FIRST.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE A MASSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.
SHE HAS GOT A BOG,
POWERFUL BOTTERY.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING US THIS?
IT IS FOR THE ROODIO.
THE OLD ONE IS VERY WICK.
WHERE DID SHE GET
THIS BOTTERY?
FROM LIEUTENANT GREEBER'S
LITTLE TONK.
OH MY GOD,
WE WILL ALL GET SHOT.
WELL, SHE IS NOT
BRINGING IT HERE.
DO NOT WEARY, RONNIE.
IT WILL BE DISGEESED
IN A MINNER
THAT WILL NOT
AROOSE SUSPOTION.
WELL, I MUST BE
ABOUT MY BOSSNESS.
I HAVE A CREAM
TO SOLVE.
WHAT CREAM IS THIS?
WHO STOLE THE BOTTERY
FROM LIEUTENANT GREEBER'S
LITTLE TONK.
COLONEL, SOMETHING
TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.
SOMEBODY HAS STOLEN
THE BATTERY
FROM MY LITTLE TANK.
IS THAT ALL?
I THOUGHT IT WAS
SOMETHING SERIOUS,
LIKE THE INVASION
OR SOMETHING.
IT IS SERIOUS.
I THOUGHT THE FRENCH
LIKED US.
DON'T BE SILLY.
WE'RE GERMANS.
BY THE WAY, THE GENERAL
HAS GIVEN PERMISSION
FOR OFFICERS OF MY RANK
TO MAKE ONE CALL TO
THEIR FAMILIES.
I'VE PUT A CALL THROUGH
TO MY WIFE ROSA.
I HAVEN'T HEARD HER VOICE
FOR THREE YEARS.
HOW I MISS HER!
YOU TOLD ME
SHE WAS BORING.
IN FACT
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD
WHY YOU MARRIED HER.
TWO REASONS:
I WAS YOUNG AND HANDSOME
AND THE SECOND?
SHE WAS
THE LOCAL CRUMPET.
( phone ringing )
HOW LONELY SHE MUST BE
WITHOUT ME.
HELLO--
WHO'S THAT?
LEOPOLD?
LEOPOLD WHO?
AH, THE GARDENER
FROM NEXT DOOR.
I WISH TO SPEAK
TO ROSA.
SHE'S WHAT?
THEN WAKE HER UP.
SHE'S STILL IN BED.
HELLO?
GUESS WHO THIS IS.
NO. NO.
( giggles )
NO.
IT'S ME, ERICH.
ERICH, YOUR HUSBAND.
BY THE WAY,
WHAT'S THE GARDENER
DOING IN OUR HOUSE?
OH, THE WINDOW BOXES.
FOR A MOMENT
HE'S PUTTING
GROWMORE ON WHAT?
WELL, IF THE KETTLE'S
BOILING,
I SUPPOSE
YOU HAVE TO GO.
YES, DEAREST.
GOODBYE.
EVERYTHING NORMAL
AT HOME?
I'M AFRAID SO.
( yells )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
THIS IS JUST
AN INFORMAL VISIT.
I HAVE A LITTLE
TASK FOR YOU.
NEUTRAL SPAIN IS SENDING
HALF A DOZEN OR SO
FLAMENCO DANCERS
ON A GOODWILL TOUR.
THEY WILL ARRIVE
IN NOUVION TODAY.
SEE THAT THEY ARE
BILLETED IN THE TOWN.
TONIGHT THEY WILL
ENTERTAIN AT MY CHATEAU.
YOU ARE BOTH INVITED.
WE DESERVE A LITTLE
DIVERTISSEMENT,
DON'T YOU AGREE?
YES, GENERAL.
- IT WILL BE VERY WELCOME.
- EXCELLENT.
OH, BY THE WAY,
INTELLIGENCE REPORTS
MANEUVERS
ON A MASSIVE SCALE
INVASION COULD BE
IMMINENT.
PERSONALLY,
IT WILL BE A RELIEF
TO SEE SOME ACTION.
WE CAN'T WAIT TO GET
INTO THE THICK OF IT.
- AT 8:00.
- AT 8:00.
THE SOONER WE GET TO SPAIN,
THE BETTER.
I'M SORRY,
I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THIS.
IT ARRIVED THIS MORNING.
OH, THIS WILL BE
THE MESSAGE
FROM MY FRIEND
IN MADRID
WHO WAS GOING TO FIND
THE ART EXPERT
TO VALUE THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"HAVING A LOVELY TIME.
WISH YOU WERE HERE.
PEDRO."
OF COURSE, THE REAL
MESSAGE WILL APPEAR
WHEN I HOLD THE POSTCARD
OVER THE FLAME.
I'M RELIEVED TO HEAR IT.
"THE MAN YOU CAN TRUST
IS VISITING NOUVION.
HE WILL BE WITH
THE TOURING FLAMENCO TROUPE.
HIS NAME IS
JUAN GARCIA."
OH!
"GIVE HIM A PHOTOGRAPH
OF THE PAINTING
AND A PIECE OF CANVAS
TO BE TESTED.
IF GENUINE, WE WILL FIND
A BUYER IN SPAIN."
THEN WE CAN ESCAPE
AND BE RICH.
CALL HELGA IN.
CAN YOU SPARE A MOMENT?
HELGA, YOU MUST PRODUCE
YOUR BOOBY.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WE NEED TO
PHOTOGRAPH THE PAINTING
WITH TWO BOOBIES
FOR AN ART EXPERT
TO ASSESS.
WELL, I'M NOT PARTING
WITH MY BOOBY.
IT IS THE ONLY SECURITY
I HAVE TO ENSURE
I GET A CUT
OF THE PAINTING
WHEN IT IS SOLD.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
I AM WILLING TO HAVE
MY BOOBY PHOTOGRAPHED.
BUT THE ORIGINAL
WILL NOT LEAVE
MY POSSESSION.
- WHAT?
- NEVER MIND.
WE CAN ALWAYS EXPLAIN
THAT WE COULD REJOIN IT
SHOULD A DEAL BE STRUCK.
MEANWHILE, WE CAN
PHOTOGRAPH THE PAINTING
WITH MY HAND
OVER THE MISSING BIT.
OH, VERY WELL.
YOU'RE DISMISSED!
THANK YOU, COLONEL.
HERE,
HOLD THE PAINTING.
I'VE GOT A CAMERA
HERE SOMEWHERE.
HOW WILL WE DEVELOP IT?
WE WILL COMMANDEER
THE CHEMIST, OF COURSE.
AH.
WELL, SMILE.
( banging )
WHAT IS ALL THAT
BANGING, EDITH?
MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE
IS REMOVING THE OLD
FLAT BATTERY
FROM UNDER THE FLOOR
IN THE ATTIC.
ITS TERMINALS
ARE RUSTY.
MY GOD, THE WHOLE TOWN
WILL HEAR.
YOU MISSED A BIT.
COME ON.
( sighs )
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL WHEEZE THIS
ONLY ONCE.
THIS IS THE FLAT BATTERY.
THE NEW ONE WILL
ARRIVE SHORTLY
AND THIS WILL BE
COLLECTED.
I CANNOT HAVE PEOPLE
WALKING IN AND OUT OF HERE
WITH BATTERIES.
SOMEBODY WILL REPORT IT.
WELL, THE NEW ONE
IS BEING DELIVERED
BY MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
THE UNDERTAKER.
HE IS TAKING THE RISK,
NOT YOU.
AND NOW I CAN REVEAL
A DARING PLAN
DEVISED BY GENERAL DE GAULLE
HIMSELF.
THE ONE
WITH THE BIG?
THE SAME.
HE HAS DECIDED
THAT WE SHOULD SET UP
A RESISTANCE RADIO STATION
HERE IN NOUVION.
WE WILL BROADCAST
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE WAR,
UNDERMINING GERMAN MORALE
AND ROUSING THE BRAVE
FRENCH PEOPLE TO ARMS
IN PREPARATION
FOR THE INVASION.
BUT SURELY
THE GERMANS WILL TRACK DOWN
THE RADIO STATION.
WE WILL MOVE THE EQUIPMENT
AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE.
OUR BROADCASTS WILL BE MADE
FROM DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.
AND IF SOMEBODY
SEES US BROADCASTING?
IMPOSSIBLE.
WE WILL PRERECORD
OUR BROADCASTS
ON WAX CYLINDERS
AND THEN PLAY THEM
WHEN WE ARE NOT THERE.
OF COURSE.
BUT WHERE DO WE GET
THESE WAX CYLINDERS?
THE BRITISH WILL DROP
THE CYLINDERS
AND THE EDISON
RECORDING MACHINE
BY PARACHUTE.
THE NEXT RADIO MESSAGE
WILL TELL US WHEN AND WHERE.
- I WANT NO PART OF THIS.
- IT'S TOO LATE.
- YOU ARE ALREADY
IN THE SCHEDULE.
- WHAT?
YOU, NIGHTHAWK,
WILL BROADCAST WEDNESDAYS
AFTER "BREAKFAST TIME
WITH NANOU."
WHAT IS THAT?
IT IS THE PROVISIONAL
TITLE
FOR MY DAILY CHAT SHOW.
NANOU IS MY CODE NAME.
PEOPLE CANNOT LISTEN
TO PROPAGANDA ALL THE TIME.
THEY NEED SOME
LIGHT RELIEF.
PERHAPS I COULD
SING A SONG
TO BOOST MORALE.
UH, UNFORTUNATELY,
MADAME EDITH,
YOU HAVE A VERY
DISTINCTIVE VOICE
WHICH WOULD GIVE
THE GAME AWAY.
OH, MY TALENT IS
A BLESSING AND A CURSE.
BUT MORE ONE
THAN THE OTHER.
YOU ARE VERY QUIET,
HERR FLICK.
IS SOMETHING
BOTHERING YOU?
I AM THINKING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
IT IS VITAL
THAT WE RECOVER
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WHICH HELGA CRAFTILY
STOLE FROM US.
THAT WILL NOT BE EASY,
HERR FLICK.
WE DO NOT KNOW
WHERE IT IS.
MY HIGHLY-TRAINED
INTELLECT TELLS ME
THAT IT IS PROBABLY
HIDDEN IN HER QUARTERS.
I THINK WE SHOULD
GO THERE
AND SNIFF AROUND.
THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE,
HERR FLICK.
HELGA LIVES
IN A FEMALE-ONLY HOSTEL.
I AM AWARE OF THIS.
OPEN THE SPECIAL
GESTAPO DISGUISE CUPBOARD
AND YOU WILL FIND INSIDE
FULL UNIFORMS
FOR FEMALE PRIVATES
OF THE GERMAN ARMY.
WE WILL PUT ON
THE UNIFORMS,
GAIN ACCESS TO THE HOSTEL
AND SEARCH HELGA'S ROOM.
THAT IS A FIENDISHLY
CLEVER PLAN, HERR FLICK.
AS ALWAYS.
NOW, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
YOU WILL NOTICE ON MY DESK
A BASKET OF FRUIT
WHICH UNCLE HEINY
HAS SENT FROM BERLIN.
THE CONNECTION
ESCAPES ME.
BUT THEN,
MOST THINGS DO.
THEN PAY ATTENTION.
TO COMPLETE OUR DISGUISES
WE MUST SELECT
THE APPROPRIATE FRUIT
FOR OUR FALSE BOSOMS.
HMM, THE GRAPEFRUITS
ARE NOT QUITE RIPE YET.
PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE
THE LEMONS.
I AM ONLY SMALL.
YOU FORGET,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
WE ARE POSING
AS GERMAN WOMEN.
WE WILL TAKE THE MELONS.
THE NEW BOTTERY
IS IN THE BOTTOM
OF THE SMELL KIFFEN.
PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
AND HOW IS THIS METHOD
OF TRANSPORTING THE BATTERY
SUPPOSED TO FULL
THE GERMANS?
BECAUSE ON TOP
IS YOUR
FAVORITE PARROT,
THE LATE ROGER.
BUT I DO NOT HAVE ONE.
AND IF I HAD,
I WOULD NOT CALL IT
ROGER.
IF I AM QUESTIONED,
I WILL SAY WE ARE TAKING IT
TO THE PET CEMETERY
FOR THE INTERNMENT.
( sighs )
WELL, GET THE BATTERY OUT.
COME ON.
WHA-- WHAT--?
AH.
I DO NOT WANT
TO WEARY YOU,
BUT TWO GERMAN IFFICERS
ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE KIFFE.
- YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
- WHAT?
I SHALL DISAPPEAR
UP THE BACK PASSAGE.
OH MY GOD,
WE ARE DONE FOR.
QUICK, PUT THE BATTERY
ON A CHAIR.
HIDE IT. HIDE IT,
QUICKLY. QUICKLY.
COME ALONG.
COME ALONG.
AH, RENE,
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
WE WERE WORRIED
TO SEE A HEARSE OUTSIDE.
HE'S JUST COME TO COLLECT
RENE'S FAVORITE PARROT.
ROGER.
REALLY?
I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD ONE.
( crying )
I KEPT IT IN THE BACKROOM.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN GONE
QUITE A WHILE.
NO, HE POPPED OFF TODAY.
I AM TAKING IT
TO THE PET CEMETERY.
OF COURSE.
GRUBER, PULL UP A CHAIR.
LET'S HAVE A DRINK.
UH
OH, FOR SOME REASON
THERE APPEARS TO BE
A 24-VOLT BATTERY
ON MY CHAIR.
UH, I CAN EXPLAIN THAT,
OF COURSE.
WELL, EXPLAIN.
WELL, IT WAS LIKE THIS,
YOU SEE--
- IF I MAY INTERJECT
- YES, PLEASE.
MONSIEUR, IT IS A CUSTOM
TO MAKE SURE
THE DEPARTED
HAVE INDEED DEPARTED.
MONSIEUR RENE
WAS TRYING
A LAST-MOMENT ATTEMPT
AT REVITALIZATION
USING THE ELECTRIC
TERMINALS.
YES, THIS IS TRUE.
I HAD ALREADY TRIED
BLOWING DOWN ITS BEAK.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE WIND JUST CAME OUT
THE OTHER END.
I WAS GOING TO HAVE
ONE LAST GO
WITH THE BATTERY
TERMINALS.
LET US ALL PRAY
FOR ROGER.
DEAR GID,
DO NOT LET THIS PORROT
SLOP AWAY
IF THERE IS STILL
A FLICKER OF LOOF.
SO
ONE FINAL GO
AT GIVING A JUMP-START
TO DEAR OLD ROGER.
( all scream, coughing )
WELL, IF IT WASN'T
DEAD BEFORE,
IT'S DEAD NOW.
- RENE
- YES?
THIS BATTERY HAS
MILITARY MARKINGS.
THIS IS
FROM MY LITTLE TANK.
- NO!
- YES.
I SAID THAT MAN
WITH WELLINGTON BOOTS,
THE BEARD,
THE DARK GLASSES
AND THE GREEN BICYCLE
WHO SOLD IT TO YOU
ONLY 10 MINUTES AGO
WAS A SHIFTY-LOOKING
CHARACTER.
WITH SUCH A CLEAR
DESCRUPTION,
HE WILL NOT ESCOOP
THE LONG ARM OF THE LOO.
DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
WE HAVE THE BATTERY,
COLONEL.
WELL, IT'S YOUR DECISION.
RENE, YOU WILL ACCOMMODATE
HALF A DOZEN SPANISH
DANCERS TONIGHT.
COULD I NOT
JUST GO TO JAIL?
THEY ARE A TOURING
FLAMENCO TROUPE
WHO ARE ENTERTAINING
TONIGHT AT THE CHATEAU.
SEND THE GENERAL
THE BILL.
MEANWHILE,
WE WILL TAKE THE BATTERY.
GIRLS, DO NOT ADJUS
YOUR SUSPENDERS
IN FRONT OF OFFICERS!
Gruber:
OH, IT'S QUITE
ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
WE ARE NOT OFFENDED
IN THE SLIGHTEST.
I AM OFF
TO THE PET CEMETERY.
IT SEEMS
A VERY HEAVY PARROT.
WELL, HE HAD JUST
HAD HIS BREAKFAST.
GOOD.
HELGA IS NOT HERE.
WE WILL SEARCH
EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY
OF HER ROOM
FOR THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
YES, HERR FLICK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
MY MELONS ARE SLIPPING,
HERR FLICK.
I TOLD YOU YOUR CHOICE
OF BRASSIERE SIZE
WAS TOO SMALL.
THESE CANTALOUPE MELONS
ARE AT LEAST A 42B.
SORRY, HERR FLICK.
BEGIN THE SEARCH.
UNDER THE BED.
WHAT THE--?
OH, IT'S YOU,
HERR FLICK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN MY QUARTERS
AND WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
IN THIS MANNER?
WE ARE LOOKING
FOR THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WHICH YOU STOLE
FROM MY QUARTERS
BY CRUELLY MAKING
VON SMALLHAUSEN BELIEVE
THAT YOU LOVED HIM.
I DID BELIEVE IT.
IN MY SLEEP, I STILL
CRY OUT YOUR NAME.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
IF YOU ARE ASLEEP?
BECAUSE IT WAKES ME UP.
IF YOU HAND IT OVER,
I WILL REWARD YOU
GENEROUSLY.
HOW GENEROUSLY?
YOU WILL PARTICIPATE
IN THE PROFIT
FROM THE SALE
AND I WILL TAKE YOU BACK
INTO MY MANLY AFFECTIONS.
THAT IS A TEMPTING OFFER,
HERR FLICK.
YOU ARE A TANTALIZINGLY
ATTRACTIVE MAN,
EVEN WEARING A SKIR
AND STOCKINGS WITH
CROOKED SEAMS.
I KNOW.
YOU MAY KISS ME.
I'M ALREADY LATE
FOR MY GYM CLASS,
BUT I CANNOT RESIST YOU.
PULL UP YOUR MELONS
OVER YOUR EYES,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I DO NOT WISH YOU
TO GET EXCITED.
KISSING IS STRICTLY
FORBIDDEN BETWEEN PRIVATES!
I'M SORRY, MAJOR.
I SOMETIMES GET CARRIED AWAY
BY MY AFFECTIONATE NATURE.
DO YOU NOW?
REPORT TO MY QUARTERS
THIS EVENING AFTER SUPPER!
YES, MAJOR.
DISMISSED!
WHO ARE YOU TWO?
WE ARE NEW GIRLS, MAJOR.
WE HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED
FROM ANOTHER DIVISION.
WHY ARE YOU NOT
IN YOUR GYM KIT?
THE EXERCISE CLASS
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.
OUR KIT BAGS
HAVE NOT YET ARRIVED.
WE WILL HAVE TO
MISS THE CLASS,
I AM AFRAID.
CERTAINLY NOT!
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
SUCH PUNY-LOOKING GIRLS.
I WILL SOON
GET YOU INTO SHAPE.
YOU WILL DO THE CLASS
IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!
STRIP!
LET THE EXERCISE BEGIN.
READY? GO!
HIGHER!
THIS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
LEMONS WOULD HAVE BEEN
BETTER, HERR FLICK.
WHERE IS A GOOD EARTH
FOR THIS BATTERY?
TRY THE WATER PIPES.
THEY ARE UNDER THE
FLOORBOARDS.
IT IS TOO FAR TO REACH.
THIS WILL HAVE TO DO.
OH, EDITH,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
I WANT TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
HOLD ON, MAMA.
WE ARE ABOUT TO TALK
TO LONDON.
Man:
Hello, Nighthawk.
This is London calling.
Are you receiving?
Over.
'ALLO, LONDON.
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK.
RECEIVING YOU
LOUD AND CLEAR.
PASS YOUR MESSAGE.
OVER.
RENE, THE FLAMENCO
DANCERS HAVE ARRIVED.
AND I WANT TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
HOLD ON, LONDON,
A MOMENT.
GIVE THE DANCERS
SOME DRINKS.
- AND KEEP THEM DOWNSTAIRS.
- YES, RENE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, LONDON.
I WAS JUST DEALING
WITH SOME FLAMENCO DANCERS
AND MY MOTHER-IN-LAW WANTS
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
Man:
Look up that code.
NO, IT IS NOT CODE.
IT IS A NORMAL DAY
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.
NOW PASS YOUR MESSAGE.
OVER.
Man:
The equipment
you asked for
will be dropped
this evening
at the usual place
at the usual time.
Over.
WHAT USUAL PLACE?
THIS IS BLUE TIT.
MESSAGE RECEIVED
AND UNDERSTOOD.
OVER AND OUT.
EVERYTHING IS
UNDER CONTROL.
NOW THAT YOU'RE
FINISHED,
I MUST GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
( crackling )
RENE, DO SOMETHING.
WHAT--?
YOU IDIOT, MICHELLE.
YOU HAVE EARTHED
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.
THAT WAS GOOD
FOR ME, FANNY.
HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?
( spits )
RENE, I HAVE FOUND
THE SPANISH FLAMENCO
DANCERS IN THE CELLAR.
- WELL, GET THEM OUT.
- I CANNOT.
THEY HAVE DRUNK
SIX CASES OF WINE
AND ARE ALL
FLAT OUT ON THEIR BACKS.
OH MY GOD.
I MUST GO AND TALK
TO THE COLONEL.
RENE, SOMETHING AWFUL
HAS HAPPENED.
- NOT NOW, MICHELLE.
- YES, NOW.
THE BRITISH AIRPLANE
HAS DROPPED THE EQUIPMENT.
WE HAVE THE RECORDING MACHINE,
BUT THE PARACHUTE
BEARING THE WAX CYLINDERS
WAS BLOWN OFF COURSE
AND HAS LANDED
DOWN THE CHIMNEY
OF THE GENERAL'S QUARTERS
AT THE CHATEAU.
WE CAN SEE THE PARACHUTE
STICKING OUT OF THE TOP.
ANOTHER COCK-UP?
NEVER MIND.
WE CAN SEND
YOUR SMALL WAITRESS, MIMI,
INTO THE CHATEAU.
SHE CAN CLIMB UP THE CHIMNEY
AND RETRIEVE THE CYLINDERS.
BUT THE CHATEAU
IS HEAVILY GUARDED.
HOW WILL SHE GET IN?
WE WILL DRESS HER AS ONE
OF THE FLAMENCO DANCERS.
THEY ARE DUE
TO PERFORM THERE TONIGHT.
SHE CAN TAG ALONG.
MICHELLE, THE DANCERS
ARE ALL DRUNK.
THEY WILL BE GOING
NOWHERE TONIGHT.
WE WILL TAKE THE PLACE
OF THE SPANISH DANCERS
AND GET MIMI
INTO THE CHATEAU.
I AM HAVING NOTHING
TO DO WITH THIS, MICHELLE,
- AND THAT IS FINAL.
- ON ONE OF THOSE CYLINDERS
WAS A PERSONAL MESSAGE TO YOU
FROM GENERAL DE GAULLE.
IT EVEN MENTIONS
YOUR NAME.
IT WAS TO BE A SURPRISE.
WELL, THAT IS
A SURPRISE.
WHERE DID YOU SAY
THOSE COSTUMES WERE?
IN THE CELLAR
WITH THE DANCERS.
QUICK, THERE IS NO
A MOMENT TO LOSE.
FOLLOW ME.
THIS IS
THE ROOM WE WANT.
WE HAVE NOT
A MOMENT TO LOSE.
MIMI, ARE YOU READY
TO CLIMB UP THE CHIMNEY?
I AM READY.
THIS IS VERY
DANGEROUS, MICHELLE.
WHAT IF THE GERMANS CAME IN
AND CAUGHT US
WHILE WE ARE AT IT?
I WILL WEET BY THE DEER
AND KEEP A LICKOUT.
I WILL NOT FAIL.
GIVE ME A LEG UP,
SOMEONE.
COME ON, COME ON.
I AM LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS.
I THOUGHT WE COULD ALL DO
WITH A LITTLE
LIGHT RELIEF.
IT'S JUAN GARTHIA
AND HIS TROUPE.
I UNDERSTAND THEY'RE
QUITE AMUSING.
EXCELLENT CHOICE,
GENERAL.
HAVE YOU GOT
THE PHOTOGRAPH
AND A SAMPLE
OF CANVAS?
THEY MUST SURELY
BE READY BY NOW.
- GO AND SEE WHAT'S
KEEPING THEM, GRUBER.
- YES, GENERAL.
LIEUTENANT GREEBER
IS HEEDING THIS WOO.
MY GOD.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, MIMI.
VEILS ON, EVERYONE.
THE GENERAL IS READY
FOR YOU NOW.
ARE YOU JUAN?
IF IT'S ANYTHING URGENT.
I HAVE WHAT YOU WANT.
( thin voice )
YOU HAVE
( normal voice )
HAVE YOU?
IS EVERYBODY READY?
THEN LET'S NOT KEEP
THE GENERAL WAITING.
RENE, YOU STAY HERE
AND HELP MIMI
DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
ARE YOU READY?
WELL, IT'S A LONG TIME
SINCE I LAST HAD A TWANG,
BUT I'LL DO MY BEST.
- READY?
- ( clicks castanets )
THEN FOLLOW ME.
( playing guitar )
DID YOU TELL THEM?
THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY.
( wailing )
IT WILL BE HARD TO KNOW
AFTER THIS
WHETHER TO APPLAUD THAT ONE
OR GIVE HER FIRST AID.
( grunting )
I GOT THE CYLINDERS.
WE WILL HIDE THEM
DOWN OUR BOSOMS.
GOOD. NOW,
LET US GET
TO THE FIRE ESCAPE.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
ENTERTAINING THE OFFICERS?
WE ARE JUST ABOUT TO,
SEÑOR.
FOLLOW ME.
I AM COVERED IN SOOT.
WELL, WE WILL SAY YOU ARE
FROM SOUTHERN SPAIN.
AH, THIS IS
MORE LIKE IT.
WHAT DARK SKIN
SOME OF THEM HAVE.
THE LITTLE ONE'S
QUITE THE TURN-ON.
WHAT ABOUT ROSA?
ROSA WHO?
GRANOODA
I'M FILLING
UNDER YOUR SPILL
( wailing )
AND IF YOU COULD SPOOK
WHAT A FASCINATING TOOL
YOU WOULD TILL
OF AN URGE
THE WORLD HAS
LING FORGITTEN
I'M NOT SURE FLAMENCO
WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA
AFTER ALL.
OF AN URGE
THAT WOVES
A SEELENT MIGIC
IN GRANOODA
TODEE.
( dancers yelling )
ON THE NEXT TWIRL,
ENTER THE DOOR
AND LEG IT
DOWN THE STAIRS.
MY CYLINDER IS MELTING.
- AHH!
- AHH!
( all wailing )
( theme music playing )