'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s08e02 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU MAY WONDER
WHAT I AM DOING
DRIVING ALONG
IN A VAN
DRESSED AS A FEMALE
FLAMENCO DANCER
WITH BOOT POLISH
ALL OVER MY FACE,
THERE IS, OF COURSE,
A PERFECTLY SIMPLE
EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
THE RESISTANCE HAVE
DECIDED TO SET UP
A SECRET RADIO STATION
TO UNDERMINE THE GERMANS
USING WAX CYLINDERS TO
PRERECORD THE PROGRAMS.
THE WAX CYLINDERS WERE
DROPPED BY PARACHUTE
BY THE BRITISH,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY
LANDED DOWN THE CHIMNEY
OF THE CHATEAU.
WE HAD TO TAKE
THE PLACE OF A TOURING
SPANISH FLAMENCO TROUPE,
WHO WERE DUE TO
PERFORM AT THE CHATEAU,
TO GET IN AND TO
RECOVER THE CYLINDERS.
OH, EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
AHEM OH.
I HAVE HERE
ONE OF THE CYLINDERS.
WHERE ELSE
COULD I HIDE IT? HMM?
WELL DONE, RENE.
THE GERMANS DID
NOT SUSPECT FOR A MOMENT
WE WERE NOT REAL
FLAMENCO DANCERS.
DO YOU HAVE
THE WAX CYLINDERS?
YES, HERE IT IS.
I HAD IT DOWN
MY CLEAVAGE.
IT IS STILL WARM.
WHERE IS THE OTHER CYLINDER?
MIMI HAS IT DOWN
THE FRONT OF HER DRESS.
MIMI?
YES, RENE.
GIVE MICHELLE
YOUR CYLINDER
BEFORE IT MELTS.
IT IS LUCKY
IT DID NOT CATCH FIRE.
AH.
OH, WHAT A NIGHT.
DID WE NOT PERFORM
WELL, MICHELLE?
YOU WERE A REGULAR TROUPER,
MADAME EDITH.
I SHALL NEVER FORGET
THE WAY YOU SANG AND DANCED.
I DO NOT THINK
THE GERMANS WILL EITHER.
IN THE CHATEAU,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
GAVE ME THIS PHOTOGRAPH
- AND A SMALL
PIECE OF CANVAS
- OH?
I THINK UNDER
THE MISAPPREHENSION
THAT I WAS
THE REAL JUAN GARCIA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT IS
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HOLDING THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP.
- NO!
- YES!
BUT THAT HAS BEEN
MISSING FOR TWO YEARS.
WHAT IS LIEUTENANT
GRUBER DOING WITH IT?
IT CANNOT BE
THE SAME PAINTING.
BUT IT IS, RENE.
HERE, HAVE A LOOK!
MONSIEUR, WATCH OUT
FOR THE MAILMAN!
OH!
( car crashes )
OH, THANK GOD, RENE.
HE MISSED YOU.
OH, I DO
NOT THINK THE--
THE LAMPPOST HAD
THE SAME LUCK.
- GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.
- GOOD MORNING, HELGA.
DID YOU ENJOY
THE FLAMENCO EVENING?
PERSONALLY, I THOUGHT
THE SINGING WAS APPALLING,
AS WAS THE DANCING.
I THOUGHT SOME OF THE SPANISH
WERE RATHER PRETTY.
ALTHOUGH, WITH THE VEILS,
ONE COULD ONLY SEE THEIR EYES.
FORTUNATELY, I WAS ABLE
TO GIVE THE PHOTOGRAPH
OF THE PAINTING
TO JUAN GARCIA,
AND HE WILL TAKE
IT TO THE ART EXPERT
IN SEVILLE TO VALUE IT.
THAT IS WHEN
YOU WILL HAVE TO
GIVE US BACK THE BOOBY
YOU CUT OUT OF
THE PAINTING, HELGA.
I CANNOT SELL IT
WITH A HOLE
IN SUCH A, WELL,
PROMINENT PLACE.
YOU WILL GET
YOUR HAND ON MY BOOBY
WHEN I AM ASSURED OF GETTING
A CUT OF THE PROCEEDS,
AND NOT BEFORE.
HELGA, I WISH YOU
WOULD NOT MEDDLE.
YOU SHOULD LEAVE THINGS
LIKE THIS TO THE MEN.
( knock at door )
WHO THE DEVIL IS THIS?
- I AM JUAN.
- "ONE" WHAT?
JUAN GARCIA,
THE MOST FAMOUS FLAMENCO
GUITARIST IN ALL OF SPAIN.
I HAVE COME FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH
TO TAKE TO SEVILLE.
BUT I GAVE IT TO YOU
LAST NIGHT AT THE CHATEAU.
I WAS NOT THERE.
MY FLAMENCO TROUPE AND I
HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
WE HAVE ONLY JUST
WOKEN UP.
THEN WHO WERE THE DANCERS
AT THE CHATEAU?
ARE YOU SURE
IT WASN'T YOU?
OF COURSE I'M SURE.
DID THEY DANCE
LIKE THIS?
( vocalizes )
I'M SURE I WOULD HAVE
REMEMBERED IF THEY HAD.
NOW THAT I LOOK
MORE CLOSELY, COLONEL,
THIS IS DEFINITELY
NOT THE MAN I GAVE
THE PHOTOGRAPH TO.
GRUBER, YOU IDIOT.
WELL, HOW WAS I
TO KNOW HE WAS NOT
THE REAL JUAN-- ONE?
IF IT FALLS
INTO THE WRONG HANDS,
WE WILL BE
IN DEEP TROUBLE.
THIS IS WHAT COMES OF
LEAVING THINGS TO THE MEN.
( groans )
RENE.
Rene: EH?
I MUST TALK WITH YOU
URGENTLY.
WHAT IS IT NOW,
MICHELLE?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
I WILL BRING THE EDISON
RECORDING MACHINE HERE
THIS AFTERNOON,
AND WE WILL
PRERECORD THE BROADCAST
FOR THE SECRET RADIO STATION.
I AM STILL WORRIED
ABOUT THAT, MICHELLE.
THE GERMANS ARE BOUND
TO TRACK IT DOWN.
I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
WE WILL MOVE IT AROUND
THE COUNTRYSIDE.
- HOW?
- THE MACHINE WILL
BE HIDDEN
IN MONSIEUR ALFONSE'S
HEARSE.
HE WILL DRIVE AROUND
TRANSMITTING OUR PROGRAMS
AND THE GERMANS WILL
SUSPECT NOTHING.
THAT IS VERY INGENIOUS,
MICHELLE.
OH, I WISH I HAD
YOUR BRAINS.
NOT TO MENTION
THE REST OF HER.
THIS PHOTOGRAPH
CLEARLY SHOWS
THAT THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT
HAVE SOMEHOW OBTAINED
THE PAINTING OF
THE FALLEN MADONNA.
BUT WHY GIVE THE PHOTOGRAPH
TO MONSIEUR ALFONSE?
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
HE WAS JUAN GARCIA.
WE WILL SEND A RANSOM NOTE
TO THE GERMANS
SAYING WE WILL POST
THIS PHOTOGRAPH TO THE GENERAL
UNLESS THEY PAY US
10 MILLION FRANCS.
HOW RUTHLESS WE ARE!
AND NOW I MUST
GO AND PREPARE FOR
THE RADIO RECORDING.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, THESE ARE FOR GARGLING.
I NEED TO LUBRICATE MY TONSILS
FOR THE BROADCAST.
- ( doorbell dings )
- SHE MUST HAVE VERY
BIG TONSILS.
DOCTOR LECONTE SAID
SHE HAD THE BIGGEST PAIR
HE HAD EVER SEEN.
SO MUCH FOR
THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH.
THE BURNING QUESTION IS,
WHO HAS
THE INCRIMINATING PHOTO?
IT CAN ONLY HAVE BEEN
THE RESISTANCE, COLONEL.
NO DOUBT WE SHALL HEAR
FROM THEM SOON
IN SOME SECRET,
SUBTLE WAY.
SOONER THAN YOU
EXPECTED.
AND NOT SO SUBTLE.
A RANSOM NOTE
FROM THE RESISTANCE.
THEY DEMAND
10 MILLION FRANCS
OR THEY WILL SEND
THE PHOTOGRAPH TO
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.
DON'T THEY KNOW WE NEVER
GIVE IN TO BLACKMAIL?
BUT IF WE DO NOT, COLONEL,
WE WILL ALL BE IN IT
UP TO OUR NECKS.
YOU WILL, YOU MEAN.
I'M NOT IN THE PHOTO.
BUT IF I WERE
UNDER PRESSURE
YOU WOULDN'T.
WELL, I WOULD
HOLD OUT
UNTIL SOMEONE
LIT A CIGARETTE,
BUT IF THEY BLEW
THE SMOKE IN MY FACE
AND GAVE A SINISTER LAUGH,
I COULD GO TO PIECES.
WE CANNOT POSSIBLY RAISE
10 MILLION FRANCS.
THERE IS ONE POSSIBILITY,
COLONEL.
THE GARRISON
PAY TRUCK IS MAKING
ITS MONTHLY RUN
THIS AFTERNOON.
WE COULD AMBUSH IT
AND STEAL THE MONEY.
WE COULD DISGUISE
OURSELVES AS MEMBERS
OF THE RESISTANCE
TO AVOID BEING RECOGNIZED
AND HOLD THE DRIVER UP
AT GUNPOINT.
WE CAN'T HOLD UP A TRUCK,
JUST THE THREE OF US.
WE HAVE A STOREROOM
FULL OF RUBBER DUMMIES
WE WERE GOING TO DROP
TO CONFUSE THE BRITISH
WHEN WE INVADED.
WE COULD DRESS THEM UP
AS RESISTANCE MEMBERS
TO CREATE THE IMPRESSION
OF A LARGE AMBUSH.
- I DON'T LIKE IT.
- WOULD YOU PREFER
A FIRING SQUAD?
I'M WEAKENING.
WE WILL DO IT.
GRUBER, YOU GE
THE DUMMIES,
AND YOU, HELGA,
GET THE COSTUMES.
WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING,
COLONEL?
STAYING HERE AND WRITING OU
MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT.
THE PREPARATIONS FOR
MY INTIMATE LUNCH WITH HELGA
ARE ALMOST COMPLETE.
WHEN SHE ARRIVES,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
YOU WILL GIVE HER
THIS GLASS OF WINE,
WITH CONTAINS A SPECIAL
GESTAPO TRUTH SERUM
EXTRACTED FROM
THE FEMALE PERUVIAN
INFLATING MARSH FROG,
WHICH BLOWS ITSELF UP
AT THE HEIGHT OF
THE MATING SEASON
TO ATTRACT A PARTNER.
YES, HERR FLICK.
UNDER ITS INFLUENCE,
HELGA WILL REVEAL
TO US THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WHICH SHE STOLE FROM US.
THE OMELET IS COMING ALONG
VERY WELL, HERR FLICK.
RISING. RISING VERY QUICKLY,
HERR FLICK.
HERR FLICK, HERR FLICK,
IT'S GOING OUT--
IT'S GOING OUT OF CONTROL!
HERR FLICK!
YOU WILL REVERSE THE PROCESS
IF YOU BEAT IT WITH A SPOON.
OH.
YOU KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH
EVERY EMERGENCY, HERR FLICK.
OF COURSE.
COOIE!
- I HOPE I'M NOT LATE.
- PERFECT TIMING.
VON SMALLHAUSEN, A GLASS
OF WINE FOR HELGA.
PLEASE SIT.
DRINK DEEPLY,
MY DEAR.
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO SEE
ANOTHER PETER LORRE
FILM FOR ONE MONTH.
NOW PERHAPS
YOU MIGHT TELL ME
WHY YOU INVITED ME HERE,
HERR FLICK.
CERTAINLY.
YOU HAVE JUST DRUNK
A VERY POWERFUL TRUTH SERUM
WHICH WILL TAKE EFFECT
IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.
YOU WILL GO
INTO A TRANCE
AND TELL ME ANYTHING
I WISH TO KNOW.
DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS,
HERR FLICK, THERE IS NO SUCH--
EXCELLENT.
ARE YOU RECEIVING ME?
I AM YOURS
TO COMMAND.
GIVE US A KISS.
SILENCE, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOU WILL TAKE NOTES.
NOW, HELGA, WHERE
IS THE PAINTING OF
THE FALLEN MADONNA?
AFTER I STOLE IT
FROM YOU, HERR FLICK,
I GAVE IT TO THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
WHO ARE SENDING
A PHOTOGRAPH OF IT TO SPAIN
TO BE VALUED
BY AN ART EXPERT
WITH A VIEW TO SELLING IT.
SHE'S GOING TOO FAST
FOR ME, HERR FLICK.
SHUT UP
AND KEEP WRITING.
HOWEVER, THE PHOTOGRAPH
HAS FALLEN INTO THE HANDS
OF THE RESISTANCE
WHO ARE BLACKMAILING
THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT
GRUBER FOR 10 MILLION FRANCS.
THEY CANNOT RAISE
THE MONEY SO THEY INTEND
TO DISGUISE THEMSELVES
AS RESISTANCE GIRLS
AND ROB THE GARRISON PAY
TRUCK THIS AFTERNOON.
DID YOU GET ALL THAT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
I HAVE NO MORE LEAD
IN MY PENCIL.
I AM RELIEVED TO
HEAR IT AS YOU HAVE
BEEN PURSUING ME
FOR SOME TIME
AGAINST MY WISHES.
AS A RESULT
OF THIS INFORMATION,
WE WILL ALSO
DISGUISE OURSELVES
AS RESISTANCE MEMBERS
AND CATCH THEM
RED-HANDED.
THAT IS BRILLIANT,
HERR FLICK!
AS ALWAYS.
NOW, HELGA, YOU WILL
COME OUT OF YOUR TRANCE
AND REMEMBER NOTHING
OF THIS CONVERSATION.
YES, HERR FLICK.
THERE MAY, HOWEVER,
BE SIDE EFFECTS.
THE SERUM OF
THE INFLATING MARSH FROG
IS NOT ABSOLUTELY
FOOLPROOF.
WHEN WILL THESE
SIDE EFFECTS BEGIN?
QUICK, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
THE SPOON.
PLEASE PLUG IN THE EDISON
RECORDING MACHINE.
( bell dings )
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
I HOPE I AM IN TUNE FOR
THE SECRET RECOODING SOSHON.
WE ARE JUST ABOUT
TO BEGIN.
BUT FIRST, A SPECIAL MESSAGE
FROM GENERAL DE GAULLE
FOR YOU, RENE.
Man on recorder:
René Artois,
your brave deeds
for the Resistance
will be remembered
by all France.
You deserve a medal,
and as soon
as I am able,
I will personally
kiss your cheek
and give you a--
and give you a--
and give you a--
- and give you a--
- OH, THE NEEDLE HAS STUCK.
NEVER MIND, I GOT
THE GENERAL IDEA.
DO YOU THINK HE WILL
GIVE ME ONE TOO?
I AM SURE IF HE IS BUSY,
ONE OF THE OTHER GENERALS WILL.
EDITH!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
Leclerc:
WHY HAVE WE BEEN DRAGGED
OUT OF BED LIKE THIS?
MICHELLE ASKED US
TO BRING YOU BOTH DOWN.
EVERYONE HAS A PART
TO PLAY IN THE RECORDING.
- WHAT ARE THESE?
- THESE ARE THE SCRIPTS
FOR THE RECORDING.
WE WILL REHEARSE
THEM FIRST.
I WILL GET OUT
MY TEELS OF THE TRODE.
WHAT IS
ALL THAT FOR?
I AM BEING THE SIND EFFOX
FOR THE RODEO BROADKIST.
WE WILL TAKE IT
FROM THE TOP.
"THIS IS RADIO FREE FRANCE,
CALLING ON ALL FRENCHMEN
AND WOMEN
TO REVOLT AGAINST
THE NAZI OPPRESSORS."
"I AM A FIGHTER
FOR THE RESISTANCE,
FEARLESS AND STRO"--
( coughing )
"AND STRONG.
I AM GALLOPING AROUND
THE COUNTRYSIDE
TO GATHER SUPPORT."
( hoofbeats )
"HOW SWIFTLY HE RIDES."
"I STOP OUTSIDE
THE HOUSE OF A PEASANT."
( neighs )
"I KNOCK THEM UP."
OH, IS THIS MY TURN?
NOT YET, NO NO NO.
( knocks )
( creaks )
"THE DOOR OPENS."
( creaks )
TWICE.
"HELLO, I AM
A PEASANT."
- NOW IT IS YOUR TURN,
MADAME FANNY.
- WHAT?
IT IS YOUR LINE NEXT
IN THE SCRIPT.
- OH, WHERE?
- HERE.
OH.
NO NO NO,
I CANNOT READ
WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
COULD WE NOT JUST WATER
THE HORSE WHILE WE WAIT?
THIS IS ONLY
A REHEARSAL.
WE WILL GO ON
TO THE SECOND PAGE.
THIS IS YOU, RENE.
OH. OH THERE
AHEM.
"I AM NIGHTHAWK, THE HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE.
I AM HERE IN
MY SECRET HEADQUARTERS,
PLANNING TO OVERTHROW
THE GERMANS.
I CALL UPON ALL
TRUE FRENCHMEN
TO RISE UP BEHIND ME."
"I AM MRS. NIGHTHAWK,
AND I SECOND THAT."
"I POUR TWO GLASSES OF WINE
WITH A STEADY HAND."
I SAID A GLASS,
NOT A PINT JUG.
WE ARE NOT
ALCOHOLICS, YOU KNOW.
SIRRY, RONNIE,
I GOT CARRIED AWOO.
CONTINUE.
"GUESS WHAT MRS. NIGHTHAWK
AND I ARE DOING NOW."
( pouring continues )
NOT YET, YOU IDIOT.
"WE ARE POURING MORE GLASSES
FOR THE BRAVE TEAM
OF RESISTANCE FIGHTERS,
WHOSE FACES, STRONG AND EAGER,
STRETCH AWAY INTO THE DARKNESS
BEYOND THE CANDLELIGHT."
I'VE RUN OUT OF WEEN.
OH, NEVER MIND,
CONTINUE.
"WE ARE LOYAL
PEASANT GIRLS.
- BRIGITTE."
- "CHARLOTTE."
- "COLLETE."
- "NORMA."
"AND NADINE."
"AND WE OFFER
OUR SERVICES FREELY
TO OUR LEADER, NIGHTHAWK."
"WE WILL DO
ANYTHING HE ASKS.
ISN'T THAT SO, BRIGITTE,
CHARLOTTE, COLLETE,
NORMA, NADINE, JACQUELINE,
GENEVIEVE, ANGELLE?"
All:
"YES YES YES!"
AND NOW WE WILL SING
THE SONG.
MONSIEUR ALFONSE, WE WILL
ATTEMPT A TRIAL RECORDING
FOR VOLUME.
AS YOU WISH.
IT IS READY.
THE SONG IS
ON THE LAST PAGE.
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
THE MUSIC.
- AH.
- ( clears throat )
- EVERYONE READY?
- All: MM-HMM.
WE ARE
RESISTANCE FIGHTERS
HAPPY GIRLS AND BOYS
WE WILL FIGHT
THE GERMAN SOLDIERS
THROWING STONES
AND GREAT BIG BOULDERS
WE ARE RESISTANCE
FIGHTERS
SIGN UP WITH US SOON
AND HEAR US
ON THE RADIO
EACH WEDNESDAY
AFTERNOON.
YES, WELL,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
NOW PLAY IT BACK,
MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
SO WE CAN SEE
IF IT WORKS.
MICHELLE, DO YOU NOT
THINK SOMEBODY IS BOUND
TO RECOGNIZE OUR VOICES?
DO NOT WORRY.
THE EDISON RECORDING MACHINE
IS DESIGNED FOR A.C./D.C.
ELECTRIC CURRENT.
OVER HERE, THE PLAYBACK
WILL BE DISTORTED
BY OUR D.C. CURRENT.
( music playing )
( high-pitched )
We are resistance fighters,
happy girls and boys
We will fight
the German soldiers
Throwing stones
and great big boulders
We are resistance fighters,
sign up with us soon
WELL, WE CERTAINLY SOUND
MORE "A.C." THAN "D.C."
PUT IT UP
ON THERE.
AH. THAT'S BETTER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT SHOULD
DO THE TRICK.
HMM. NOW
THE PAY TRUCK
WILL TURN OFF HERE
AND DRIVE DOWN
THIS DEAD END
WHERE WE WILL AMBUSH IT.
YOU'VE THOUGHT
OF EVERYTHING.
YES, I HAVE,
HAVEN'T I?
NOW LET'S GO AND HELP GRUBER
WITH THE BLOW-UP DUMMIES.
( engine approaches )
WHAT ON EARTH
IS GRUBER DOING?
I CANNOT THINK,
COLONEL.
GRUBER?
AH. COLONEL,
THE DUMMIES ARE
ALL IN PLACE.
I THINK ONE OF THEM
HAS A SLOW LEAK.
I WAS JUST
TOPPING IT UP.
THEY ARE NOT
VERY GOOD QUALITY.
THE RUBBER MUST HAVE
PERISHED IN THE STOREROOM.
IS THE DIVERSION SIGN
IN PLACE, COLONEL?
Von Strohm:
JUST AS PLANNED.
THE PAY TRUCK WILL
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
COME ON, HELGA, WE MUST
CONCEAL THE MOTORCYCLE
BEHIND THE TREES.
( deflates )
LET US HOPE
THE PAY TRUCK ARRIVES
BEFORE WE RUN OUT
OF DUMMIES.
I DO NOT SEE ANY
"DIVERSION" SIGN,
HERR FLICK.
IT MUST BE THAT FORK
AT THE NEXT JUNCTION.
LIMP RAPIDLY AFTER ME,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
( brakes squeal )
I HEAR SOMETHING--
AN ENGINE.
IT MUST BE
THE PAY TRUCK.
NOW REMEMBER, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THE RESISTANCE.
WE MUST ACT LIKE
RUTHLESS DESPERADOS.
I WILL DO MY BEST.
DON'T FORGET--
THE FRENCH ACCENT.
( truck approaching )
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WE ARE SORRY
TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT WOULD YOU MIND
STEPPING OUT FOR A MOMENT?
WE ARE
AMBUSHING THEM,
NOT INVITING
THEM TO TEA.
( mutters )
THIS IS AN ORDER!
OUT OF THE TRUCK!
STEP ON IT!
YOU ARE COMPLETELY
SURROUNDED BY THE FINEST
MARKSWOMEN IN THE RESISTANCE.
MOVE!
GIVE US YOUR GUNS
AND OPEN THE DOORS.
GET THE BOX
WITH THE MONEY.
YOU TWO GET
IN THE BACK.
ONE SQUEAK
OUT OF YOU
AND WE WILL SPRAY YOU
WITH THE BULLETS.
- COME ALONG, GRUBER.
- FASTER.
COME ON, QUICK.
I HOPE THEY
WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
TO THE MOTORCYCLE.
- OOH!
- HURRY!
I COULD GET QUITE A TASTE
FOR A LIFE OF CRIME.
HOPEFULLY I'M NOT GOING
TO MAKE A HABIT OF IT.
THIS SUSPENDER BELT
IS KILLING ME.
THIS IS IT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
THE AMBUSH PLACE
MUST BE JUST DOWN HERE.
WE WILL CREEP UP
ON THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AND ARREST THEM AS THEY
ATTEMPT TO ROB THE TRUCK.
( groans )
- I'M SQUASHED.
- DON'T BE SUCH
A SISSY, GRUBER.
WHAT ABOUT
THE BLOW-UP DUMMIES?
WE WILL HAVE TO
LEAVE THEM BEHIND.
( groans )
NOW
DRIVE CAREFULLY, HELGA.
I DON'T WISH
TO FALL OFF.
AH. THERE IS THE PAY TRUCK,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WE ARE NOT TOO LATE
AFTER ALL.
THE ROAD IS BLOCKED,
GENERAL.
THEN FOLLOW
THE DIVERSION THEN.
THERE IS NO ONE IN IT,
HERR FLICK.
JUST AN AMBUSH
WITH DUMMIES.
AND THE DOORS
ARE STILL LOCKED.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN,
HERR FLICK?
I SEE IT ALL.
CLEARLY THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
ATTEMPTED TO HOLD UP
THE TRUCK,
THE GUARDS REPELLED THEM
AND CHASED THEM AWAY
- THROUGH THE WOODS.
- SO THE MONEY IS STILL
IN THE TRUCK?
OF COURSE.
WE WILL DRIVE IT BACK
TO OUR HEADQUARTERS,
BREAK OPEN THE DOORS
AND APPROPRIATE THE MONEY
FOR OUR OWN USES.
OH, WHAT A GENIUS YOU ARE,
HERR FLICK.
THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING.
I WILL DRIVE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOU CANNOT REACH
THE PEDALS.
( engine sputtering )
WHAT IS
GOING ON HERE?
IT LOOKS LIKE
THE GARRISON PAY TRUCK.
( engine sputters )
HERR FLICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE IN THIS PAY TRUCK?
AND WHY ARE RUBBER INVASION
DUMMIES DRESSED IN THOSE
RIDICULOUS CLOTHES?
ALL PART OF AN ARMED ROBBERY
WHICH WE FOILED.
WE ARE DRIVING THIS TRUCK
BACK TO OUR HEADQUARTERS
TO FINGERPRINT IT
AND LOOK FOR CLUES.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS MEMBERS
OF THE RESISTANCE?
AND WHERE ARE
THE SECURITY GUARDS
FROM THIS PAY TRUCK?
THEY'RE OFF CHASING
THE ROBBERS, HERR GENERAL.
( banging )
WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
IT IS COMING FROM INSIDE
THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.
( banging continues )
STAND BACK!
WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE?
WHERE IS THE STRONGBOX?
WE WERE HELD UP BY
THE RESISTANCE, GENERAL!
THEY WERE DRESSED JUST LIKE
THOSE TWO BESIDE YOU.
- WE ARE INNOCENT.
- ESPECIALLY ME.
I AM ONLY A VERY JUNIOR
GESTAPO OFFICER.
YOU EXPECT ME
TO BELIEVE THIS NONSENSE
ABOUT FOILING A ROBBERY?
IT IS TOO MUCH
OF A COINCIDENCE--
YOU DRESSED AS
RESISTANCE TERRORISTS,
THE GUARDS LOCKED IN,
THE MONEY GONE.
ARREST THEM, AND TAKE THEM
TO THE CHATEAU FOR QUESTIONING.
YOU ARE MAKING
A BIG MISTAKE, GENERAL.
NOT AS BIG AS THE ONE
YOU'VE JUST MADE, HERR FLICK.
( dummy deflates )
ARREST THAT DUMMY AS WELL
FOR INSUBORDINATION.
EDITH! EDITH!
OH, I NEED FOOD.
( gasping )
OH, WILL NO ONE HEAR
THE CRIES
OF AN OLD WOMAN?
SEE IF THERE IS SOME CHEESE
LEFT IN THE TRAP.
NO CHEESE,
JUST A MOUSE.
EDITH! EDITH!
( moaning )
IT IS ALL SET UP.
THE EDISON RECORDING MACHINE
IS HIDDEN IN THE COFFIN.
IT IS POWERED BY
THE BATTERY FROM YOUR OLD
ICE CREAM VAN, MONSIEUR.
MY WHIP AT THE FRONT
FORMS AN AERIAL TO
TRANSMIT THE BROADCAST.
LET US HOPE
THE GERMANS DO NOT DECIDE
TO SEARCH THE HEARSE.
IT IS A RISK
WE MUST TAKE.
WELL, THE RADIO WILL
BE TRANSMITTING
WHILE I GO ABOUT
MY BUSINESS.
IT IS ON.
GO SLOWLY, IT IS
DELICATE EQUIPMENT.
I ALWAYS GO SLOWLY.
I AM AN UNDERTAKER.
OH, THEY ARE ALL OU
IN THE SQUARE.
OH, NO WONDER
THEY CANNOT HEAR US.
AH
PASS ME MY EAR TRUMPET.
I WILL TRY TO ATTRACT
THEIR ATTENTION.
( groaning )
I WILL GO NOW.
REMEMBER,
MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
DO NOTHING UNUSUAL
AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE YOU.
- ( Fanny's voice,
distorted ) EDITH!
- ( horses neigh )
SOMEBODY MIGHT HAVE
NOTICED THAT.
RENE, YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG CYLINDER.
WHAT?
SO WHAT IS ON THE CYLINDER
IN MONSIEUR ALFONSE'S HEARSE?
IT IS THE ONE WITH
THE MESSAGE ON IT FOR RENE
FROM GENERAL DE GAULLE.
OH, YOU STUPID
WOMAN.
QUICK, FOLLOW
THAT HEARSE.
( theme music playing )