American Dad s14e07 Episode Script

1 Okay, we have 90 seconds before Demetrius Pertz walks into this park with a briefcase of weapons-grade uranium.
- Whoa.
- Yes.
Smith, the rendezvous point is there, by that fountain.
You have the untraceable South African Krugerrands to make the exchange? Where will the support team be, sir? We'll be in the last place he expects that bush.
Holding the last thing he expects this net I bought at True Value hardware.
Now, this could be our only chance.
Pertz can smell a rat through a lead wall.
Is that a real expression? Great question, Smith! Bush squad, mount up! - Hey! - Sorry, señor.
This is my spot.
Well, not today.
Just go over there.
This is always my spot.
It was my grandfather's spot, my father's spot.
I hope, one day, to be my son's spot.
Well, your son is gonna be selling fruit to mutants if I don't stop this uranium dealer.
My son? No! Go on, get out of here! Go on, get out of here! Whoa.
That was weird.
I said, "Get out of here"! I said, "Get out of here"! What the hell is happening? Smith, I have eyes on Pertz.
Are you in position? No.
But let me explain why.
Damn it, Smith, get out of here! Get out of here! I know this doesn't make any sense, but suddenly I don't want to be alone.
I can't be alone.
You're blowing it, Smith.
You're blowing the whole mission.
He has a jet pack! Get the net! Get the net! Smith, you idiot.
You let Pertz get away.
You, however, captured 30 guava, my favorite fruit.
I may have another mission for you.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Honestly, sir, I don't know what made me feel so clingy before, but I'll be fine.
No, no.
I am fine.
Are you, Smith? Because you're taking a shit with me.
Ha! Yes, I am.
You made my net look like a fool.
Get out of here! Get out of here! I don't want to go.
You need to sort this out.
I can't have you blowing another mission.
Now, hand me that stack of paper.
What are these? These are tweets from my haters.
I use them for toilet paper to remind myself they can't get to me.
Take that at Domino's Pizza.
You did this to yourself.
Oh ho! Epic fail! Should we be following him? Are we are we sure we want to make that our thing? I mean, sometimes it feels like we only get to do one fun thing a week.
True.
Do we really want to put all of our energy and creativity into whatever the hell Klaus has going on? It will probably be funny.
Oh, Gwen Stefani, Gwen Stefani.
No doubt, no doubt.
See? Like that.
Do we want to pour that kind of magic into Klaus' shit soup? "F" it, I'll do it.
- Yeah, me too.
- What the hell.
I'm not gonna commit quite yet.
I've been planting a lot of seeds, socially, and I just know that as soon as I'm unavailable, everybody's gonna want a piece of me.
Social butterfly, that's who I'll be.
Spreading his wings.
Should probably eat something while I have time, before it gets crazy.
I'd like to know a little bit more about these flashbacks you've been having.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Ray.
It's just, dude, I saw you die.
Right, right.
You say we had both been miniaturized, was it? And my head was bitten off by a giant ant? The ant wasn't giant, it was normal sized.
We were very small.
What are you writing? Oh, I just drew a little picture of a nut.
Your separation anxiety has severely compromised your ability to do your job.
So no more talk about a wild C.
I.
A.
shrink ray or some fantastical clone technology that could bring a dead man back to life.
Let's be in the real world, where I hook you up to a mental visualizer, that will print a photo of your thoughts.
It won't I I can't I don't see him.
Then forget it.
You're wasting my time.
Go away! Go away! Here's your man.
Oh, my God! It's Curly Neal, sir, the legendary Harlem Globetrotter.
Somehow, he's responsible for my separation anxiety.
Listen, Smith, I'm still upset about Demetrius Pertz.
He made it to U.
S.
soil, where the C.
I.
A.
can't operate because of craven judicial overreach.
- You mean laws? - You mean laws? Okay, you're in a mood.
I'm gonna go deal with this.
All right.
Klaus, what's going on? Yeah, dazzle us, fish.
I have a website.
Klaustastrophe.
tv.
It's where I document all the epic fails around me.
See? Forgot my keys.
- [Sneezes.]
- Gesundheit.
- Actually, that was a cough.
- Oh.
[Crying.]
Klaus, do you even know what an epic fail is? Yeah, Klaus, I was just crying about my life.
It's not that big a deal.
Steve was right to hold out for something better.
Why, what's he got going on? He's going to Rhode Island with Stan to see the Harlem Globetrotters.
Goddamn Klaus.
Best day ever.
First we got to fly Southwest Airlines in boarding group "C" for cool.
That's what it stands for.
Now we're gonna watch some former junior college ball hogs light it up in the same building that, just 24 hours from now, will host "Sesame Street on Ice.
" Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the world-famous Harlem Globetrotters.
The road to Curly starts here.
Here they come! To answer for their sins.
They're amazing, Steve! At keeping secrets.
I'll kill them if I have to.
Low voice.
["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing.]
[Laughter.]
[Laughs.]
Hey, guys, how about joining us for a magic circle? Not the first time I've gotten that invitation from a gentleman.
["Sweet Georgia Brown" continues.]
Whew.
Your turn, pops.
No, wait, I don't know how to [Crowd gasps.]
[Applause.]
Aah! Don't get me wet! It's not water.
It's a miracle! Go on, Stan, we don't want you anymore.
[Thunder crashes.]
That's it.
When I was 9 years old, I went to Globetrotters camp.
I had the best month of my life.
And then, for no reason, they kicked me out.
Wow, that's rough.
But are you too upset to take a half-court shot for a lifetime supply of Little Debbie products? Give me the rock.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Grunts.]
Swish.
All I do is win, win, win No matter what Got money on my mind I can never get enough I need some answers.
You missed the shot.
You don't get the food.
No.
Why did Curly and the Globetrotters kick me out of camp? How long ago was this? 34 years.
I'm 24.
I would have been minus 10 years old.
That's a small number.
That's a small integer.
Junior college is still college.
All right.
Time to hit the showers.
And don't just sprinkle water on your hair, I'll be able to tell.
These kids don't know where to find Curly, but I do.
It's just a little further.
Couldn't you have just written these directions down? Ooh! Am I such bad company? Well, good luck finding him yourself.
Damn it! Have your epic fails not been epic enough? Try giving your smoothie a kick with an M-80 berry.
If it can clean a golf club, imagine what it can do for teeth.
[Screams.]
Roger is about to learn, when you snooze, you lose.
[Snoring.]
Aah! - Wait.
Is that - It can't be - Is it? - Stan Smith.
Curly? I thought I'd never see you again.
Curly, I traveled a long way to see you.
Traveling is a violation.
Curly's ball on the porch.
So they got you all the way out here, huh? Yeah, we stay isolated in case another "Space Jam" happens and they need us to defeat the Monstars.
So I hear you remember those dribbling tricks I taught you.
Well, my dazzle catch was slow to Hold on.
We can't just sit here like friends.
You guys abandoned me.
You kicked me out of your camp.
Oh, Stan, there's no such thing - as Globetrotter camp.
- What?! We had just played a show.
And as we were leaving, we saw you waiting for your dad.
An usher told us he had pounded a Sprite, burped the words "Time for some strange," and jogged off into the night.
We offered to take you home, but you didn't know where you lived.
My dad said it was important I never know our address in case I was ever captured and tortured by people looking for him.
Well, that didn't sound like a great scene to us, so we took you on the road and told you it was camp.
And you trotted around the globe with us on a bus up and down I-70.
But 4 weeks later, your dad showed up, and we had to give you back.
Except you didn't like that idea.
No, I'm staying with you guys.
Well, you can't, because We don't want you around, okay?! Go on, get out of here! I said, "Get out of here"! So you just said that stuff to make me go back to my dad.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
We all missed you so much.
We even tried to adopt you, but 12 black men asking for custody of a young white boy wasn't a slam dunk back then.
Or even now, probably.
You don't know how helpful you've been to me, Curly.
Come back anytime, Stan.
That won't be necessary.
Guess I can say goodbye to my separation anxiety because the Globetrotters didn't abandon me.
My dad did, which is way worse because that ain't never going away.
[Laughs nervously.]
[Crying.]
Oh, God, not that guy again.
You almost killed us.
I was taking your notes.
The fails are so epic now.
Traffic is up, so is ad revenue.
People are actually watching this? Hundreds.
And you can make money from it? Thousands.
It will take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.
Millions.
Well, you called my bluff, I'm in.
Hi.
I've realized that, due to my crippling, father-induced separation anxiety, I can no longer be a reliable member of the team.
Is there a process for becoming a lone-wolf agent? I'd like to stop Demetrius Pertz all by myself, without my daddy or anyone.
You'll have to sign these lone-wolf forms.
Doing what you're told? You're no lone wolf.
Lone wolves are rebels, playing by their own rules.
Look at the name I signed.
Butts McButts.
All I do is win, win, win No matter what Got money on my mind I can never get enough Demetrius Pertz.
And this time, I'm ready.
The only person I can get killed is myself.
Well, you're halfway there.
See, Klaus? This is what you get when you work with us on the epic fails.
They're just as epic, but none of us are bleeding on either the outside or the inside.
Time to go downstairs to do the laundry.
Can't think of anything safer.
Whoa! [Thud!.]
I'm gonna dunk this basketball, for reals.
Movie time! I hope it's not a scary one.
[Gulps.]
Ugh! I got a burnt one.
It's so bad I don't even want to listen to my catchphrase.
What was bad about it? Everything.
All those clumsy camera cuts to hide how fake it was.
Klaustastrophe.
tv is over.
Thanks a lot, idiots.
I don't understand.
I did eat that spider.
Why did we cut away from that? Actually tasted okay, like a hairy croissant full of blood.
I apologize for the scratchy ropes.
I bought them on scratchyropes.
com.
I thought it was a joke.
I was like, "No one is gonna pay full price for scratchy ropes," but here we are.
They got my money, and you got scratchy ropes.
Anyway, I got a sidewinder missile sale to finish.
So you're going to abandon me, too? Don't worry, I'll be back in a minute to kill you.
Whatever.
Go do your thing that's so important.
This is the worst.
If this rope was any scratchier, it would be overseen by the state lottery commission.
If I had a team with me, someone would have laughed at that.
Curly: You do have a team with you, Stan.
That just wasn't very funny.
Curly! How did you guys find me? With a little help from the tracking chip I implanted in your neck while I was putting the visualizer on you.
We may not have caused your problems, Stan, but we can help fix it.
Then come with me, old men and Dr.
Ray.
We've got an arms deal to stop.
Any chance any of you are armed? Just with athletic ability and a passion for entertainment.
Right! Right.
Grenade! Magic circle! ["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing.]
Wait, guys, get rid of it.
["Sweet Georgia Brown" continues.]
Okay, that's nice.
Goose, you still got it, man.
Okay, big finish now.
Now, now, now, now, now! Both: Again, do it again.
Okay, so we make a circle.
[Laughter.]
- No! - Boo! Sorry, Stan, turns out we're not much of a rescue party.
How about one last magic circle? Goodbye, guys.
Thanks for being there for me.
[Gunfire.]
- Is anybody hit? - No.
The circle really is magic! Bullock: Yes, it magically took credit for me shooting all these bad guys.
Sir! How did you find me? I had you chipped.
You're remarkably easy to chip.
There are, like, seven in you.
But why? I quit the team.
Don't be a dumbass, Stan.
You'll always be part of the team.
Pertz: Then you'll die together! Thanks, coach! Don't thank me, thank rolling.
Look, guys, I'm I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
I mean, the website isn't that important.
So, I scraped together a few bucks for a little apology party if you're interested.
Grab a seat.
Dig in.
[All scream.]
Epic fail! What the hell, Klaus? Your junk was so lame.
This is the primo stuff that goes right into the public's veins.
Yes! Whoa! Nein! Oh, no.
My cup.
I need water, or I'll die.
What are we supposed to do? Spit on me.
[All spitting.]
It's not enough.
I need more liquid.
You'll have to Whoa, that's where your pee comes out? - Sometimes.
- Wait, is the camera still on? Turn it off.
Don't film this! Francine: My turn.
So I guess what I'm saying is, even though I discovered yet another way my dad really screwed me up, I realized I don't have to worry about being abandoned.
There are people in my life who love and care about me and will always be there for me the Harlem Globetrotters and my friends from work.
The pattern of abandonment has been broken.
Where is Steve? [Sighs.]
Look, Steve, there's no such thing as Sesame Street on Ice camp.
Your dad just abandoned you at the arena.
No, I want to stay with you guys.
Well, you can't.
Because we don't want you around, okay?! Go on, get out of here! I said, "Get out of here"! [Thunder crashes.]
[Crying.]
It's okay, Marcus.
It's okay.
We've got four other kids in the van that nobody is coming for.