Archer s09e01 Episode Script

He looks so peaceful, doesn't he? Sometimes I wonder if he's dreaming.
But then I remember I don't give a shit.
What the? Who the hell are you? Shut the f God Hey! Goddamn it! What is your problem? - Patch.
Patch.
Eye patch.
- What Son of a Oh, thanks, lady.
Hang on.
Okay, there.
Sorry.
Shut up, bird.
Why are you in here, dummy? What? Because the frickin' fuel pump's still hinky and we got that charter.
- That's tomorrow.
- It is tomorrow.
- I just said that.
- No, you - You've been drunk two days! - Oh, right.
So I guess that explains why you're here, naked lady stranger.
But why the hell are you crying? Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh-cause it's my ho ho ho honeymo-oooon! We got married?! Jesus Christ.
No, you idiot! I got married to my husband.
- This is my honeymoon! - Oh, thank God.
- For a minute there, I - I remember drinking champagne in the bar, and then Whitney went off to play roulette in the back room He just ditched you? What a jerk.
- Yeah.
Plus, Whitney.
- But then it all goes a bit fuzzy.
I think that patch is sexy and I kinda want to put my tongue in there.
Oh, okay.
Oh, my God! What have I done?! Well, hopefully not that.
Charlotte?! That's him! - Who's him? - My husband! - Duh.
- Right? Answer me this instant! - You have to hide me! - Uh, actually, I do not.
- Wh? Are you? - Ooh! Here! Hide in here! What the hell are you doing? - Charlotte! - Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
- What? - Yes, I'm looking for my wife, Mrs.
Charlotte Stratton? Nee Vandertunt? Redhead? Kind of flibbertigibbity? Oh, why, yes, as a matter of fact.
Closet.
- What?! - Archer! - C'mon, man - Charlotte! What are you doing? You're ruining everything! Why the hell'd you do that? What'd you think, we're going to run away and live happily ever after? I mean How could I ever trust her? You know, plus she obviously - makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.
- You'll say what? - What.
- Goddamn it, Manu.
If - Sterling! Mama wants you.
Don't call her that! Oh, I would just murder that.
- Me too.
- I meant sexually.
- I meant murder-ly.
- Sterling! What, Mother? Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you? Me? He's the one calling you Mama.
What? No, not Manu, you ass.
- Shooting off a gun in my hotel! - Oh.
Oh, right, that.
- Oh.
No, there was a rat.
- Snake.
- Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it.
- Are you finished? - Yes.
- Well, then, we are finished.
And apparently so are the Strattons.
But then I don't suppose you'd know anything about that.
No, I was pretty busy with the - rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it! - What?! - Right? - I swear to God, if you can't learn to keep - that thing in your pants - It was actually in a drawer.
then you're going to have to find a new place to live.
Wha? Where else can I live for free? Oh, what, is that your point? My point is, as the majority stakeholder in Archer Airways, I'd like to see a return on my investment.
Ah, well, yeah, we all would.
- Sterling! - And we got a charter.
- A what? - A boat, you fool.
- I want a boat.
- Why, Mr.
Stratton, you're down early.
- Would you care for some breakfast? - Porridge.
- Uh, I'm sorry? - Save your breath for cooling yours.
I want a boat to take me out to the Clipper, and I mean this instant.
- But I don't understand.
Are you? - And you! I have half a mind to give you the worst beating of your life.
All right, now.
You're obviously upset.
Yeah, you're talking crazy.
'Cause he's literally had the shit beat out of him.
- 'Member? - You know Well, then maybe I'll just sue him for alienation of affection and prosecute you for - pandering.
- What?! Yeah, I don't think any money changed hands.
- But if it did, it would be mine.
- Well Do you people think this is some sort of joke? - I will ruin you! - Oh, all right.
- Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.
And quit calling her that! - Why does it bother you so much? - Seriously?! Now, while you're waiting, perhaps you'd like to settle your account? I really do not get your sense of humor.
If you think I'm paying for that so-called honeymoon suite No no, I was referring to your marker from last night at the roulette table.
Oh, all right, now that it is funny.
You want me to pay you for what I lost in your illegal gambling den? Everyone out! Zis hotel is closed until furzer notice! How can you close me? Upon what grounds? I am shocked, shocked to find - that gambling is going on in here! - Oh, for Ha ha! Not to mention adultery.
He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.
Monsieur, this is French territory.
Of course adultery is not illegal.
What about consensual buggery? Uh, asking for a buddy.
All right, Reynaud, cut the merde.
What do you want? Well, we can start with my winnings from last night.
- Fair enough.
- I beg your - Now, just a damn minute! - Merci.
What?! - The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand that - you arrest her! - You demand it? - I most certainly - Doudou? Aide monsieur a bord.
What? No, I Ow! You people haven't heard the last of Whitney Stratton IV! Oh, I bet we have - Pastis? - Mmm, un petit.
And then you can explain to me why I hear gunshots coming from your hotel.
- Sterling? - Yeah, sorry.
- There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Pam! - What?! Whatever the reason.
Idiots! I can assure you, that was the last time you're ever going to hear Alors.
What is wrong with you? - Me? - She's crazy.
I'm just trying to calm her down, you know, doing my thing, and then out of nowhere, the crazy broad grabs the gun and tries to shoot me.
- Me, Crackers! - Because why are you talking?! How can a bird be talking?! He is parrot.
Actually, technically, I'm a macaw, which is actually a type of parrot, so I-I'm technically a parrot, actually.
- But I mean, technically, I'm, you know - Rambling? I almost died, woman! I know.
Here, get some of this down ya.
- I mean - But But how? - How can he do that? - He's a parrot! - Well - Shut up, bird.
He talks.
That's just how it is.
Don't make a big thing out of it.
- Don't make a big thing out of it?! - See! She just flips! - You destroyed my marriage.
- Hey, it takes two to tango.
And obviously, you guys already had some problems, so You want to talk problems?! Zut alors My marriage is ruined.
When my family finds out why, they will disown me.
As will all of New York society.
I have no money, no job, no skills, and no prospects, and it's all your fault! And so right now, the only thing I want in this world, besides for you to die of some heretofore unknown form of eyehole cancer, is to get off this godforsaken island! - And when does it come back? - Ahem.
Two weeks? - And Whitney's on it? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, come on now, it's not that bad - He has my passport! - What do you mean?! - I mean just that, it is impossible.
To get a passport, you have to go to the consulate in Papeete, on Tahiti.
- Well, how far is that? - As the crow flies? Ugh, crows.
On the supply ship, it takes about a week.
- A week?! - It makes other stops.
And it will be here in one month.
Of course, it's only three hours by plane.
Well, news flash, lady, the plane just left! Yeah, so, air travel's not really an option here, Mother.
Well, now, wait a minute - Mother - Sterling, dear, couldn't you just take her in your plane? - Your what? - Hey, yeah! - No, actually, Mother, I can't.
- Well, why ever not? - Because! Uh, because - Presumably because you can't tell time.
Her royal highness, Princess Lanaluakalani.
- Latou te iloa.
- Votre Altesse.
Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.
Et pourquoi me parles-tu en français? Parce que la langue officielle de Mitimotu est français.
Oui, en ce moment.
Now, can someone please explain to me why Mr.
Fuchs and I aren't sipping champagne in the plane I chartered? - Uh, well - For one thing, we don't do that.
- And secondly, Fuchs? - Yeah? Well, we could, and we're happy to, Your Highness.
Or even I bet we could even mix you up some Bellinis.
- We have fresh peaches? - No.
Then shut up! The point is, Your Highness, - my plane is your plane.
- Well, then What?! I don't care who you are, lady, I've got dibs on that plane.
Reynaud? I'm very sorry, madame, but we have strict law against vagrancy, and you have no money.
Alors, for your dinner, one turnip.
You must be kidding.
Are you sure this thing can fly? Oh, don't worry about ol' Lucy Goosey.
She may not look like much, but that's - mainly cosmetic.
Flaps! - Well, except for the fue - I just - Flaps, goddamn it, flaps! Okay, Your Highness, as you requested, we'll be making a big loop around the island, so just sit back and relax.
That is physically impossible.
Uh.
Ja, zis is not a good airplane.
I hope it at least has parachutes.
- There's actually only three, so - Gott im Himmel! Oh, yes, I talk.
Get over it.
No, Your Highness, I just meant - it's kinda weird though, right? - I think he's just reacting to the music.
- Thanks, you just defined dancing.
- Shut up, bird! No, I mean, it's not a big island, so the fact that we've never run into each other, kinda weird, right? No.
And should you be drinking? - Yes.
- I So what's your story, Fuchs? What brings you out here to Mitimotu? - Er, uh, well, er - Breadfruit.
Oh, ja! I will make a plantation.
- A plantation? Where? - Down there.
On the island.
Creating many jobs for our people.
As what, artisanal coffin builders? - Was? - Nothing.
Nothing but danger.
That jungle's stuffed to the tits with quicksand, ferocious baboons, poisonous snakes - Poisonous frogs.
- The frogs are poisonous? - Mildly.
- Insanely.
I mean, you get hit by a dart slathered with frog poison? - Will you? - A dart? From where? - The cannibals.
- Please! - What cannibals?! - The - The Mua Mua! Man, they are - Simply a small native tribe that has had very limited experience with people from the outside world.
- Except as food.
- If you - Although compared to the dragons - What dragons?! Oh.
They're just extremely big lizards.
- You told me none of these dangers! - Because the dangers aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister - Archer! - Thank you.
If Mister No, Archer, come here! Like now! - What's happening? - Is there a problem? No.
- What is your problem? - It's not my problem, it's Lucy's! - Her fuel pressure's dropping! - Son of a Why do you always do this? I mean, I finally meet someone I might like, we're having fun, getting to know each other, I'm being super charming, but no, I'm not allowed to be happy because you're a big, jealous baby! Oh.
You're talking to me? - Who else is there?! - The fuel pump.
Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.
I'm all ears.
- What is wrong? - Was ist los?! Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.
Feather props! Feather one! Feather two! Nein! Let me go! Okay, now let me see if we - We are going to die up here! - No, we're not! Yeah, it's the ground that kills ya.
- Thanks.
- Eh.
- But how can we fly with no engines?! - The same way a bird does - Flapping around with hollow bones? - Shut up, bird! We're gonna glide right into a smooth landing.
Where?! The island has no runway! - The ocean is the runway.
- But Wh? No, no, no, no, no, no! - Well, it was.
- Goddamn it, Fuchs! Ach! Why would someone put the landing gear control there?! Because they didn't know you're an asshole? - Get 'em up! - Love to - But - Goddamn it! - What?! - We can't land on the water - if the frickin' wheels are down! - And if there is no runway Oof! What are you doing? Parachutes! Where are the parachutes?! - Oh, for the You pussy! - No, he's right! - What? - Ah-ha! - You all gotta bail out! - Oka atua! Go on! I'll get us over land, you get the princess in a chute, get her down safe, and get her home safe! - What about you?! - I'll try to bring Lucy down easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine! - No you won't! - Just go, you big dumb ox! Wow.
Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
Vater Unser im Himmel, geheiligt werde dein Name Better pray I don't kick your ass - What do we do? What do we do? - Well, the first thing you want to do, is take some deep breaths.
While you help her put that on! You help her! I'm getting owwww! Your fists are like Dosenschinken! Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hey! We don't have all day here! Once we get below a thousand feet, those chutes are basically just laundry! Hang on, we're almost ready! - Will you hurry up?! - Will you shut up?! - There! Happy? - Not really! Okay, you two! Jesus! You can bitch on the way down.
- What is all that for?! - Protection.
We weren't kidding about that jungle.
Come on, Pam, it's now or never! Let's go, people! Move! Move! Move! Ow, my twat! Good luck.
Except for you, Fuchs.
I hope you wind up as an entree.
Hey, Crackers? Crackers, come here, buddy! - Okay, so listen - Yeah, not great, huh? No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can, but we're gonna hit the water - pretty hard, probably even flip over.
- Mm-hmm.
But there's a bunch of life jackets in the storage locker, so I want you to get in there and hunker down, okay, buddy? Hopefully that'll cushion the impact.
Oh.
You're talking to me.
Wh? Who else would I be? - Oh.
- Yeah.
- You can fly.
- Yeah.
So you're outta here.
- Is that weird? - I mean Well, yeah, obviously it's weird if you make it weird.
Okay, you know what?! Aaaassshoooole! Yeah, I'm the asshole.
Okay, Lucy! Here we go! Next time on Archer: Danger Island: Fuel pump piece of shit! Oh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Now who's the asshole? Stupid bird.