Axe Cop (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

Boy: One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
Axe Cop: I will chop your heads off! Radio: This is Rockin' Robin on your 8-0 dial, music for parking in the dark while in rock creek park.
Seriously, we're out of gas.
So, uh, what do you want to do now? - ( Leaves rustle ) - Wait, what the-- - ( screams ) - ( Horn honking ) You just chopped my girlfriend's head off! She was on my list of all bad guys.
- See? - Okay, wait wait wait.
Her real name was Poison Poison? And her power was Poison Punches? - ( Honking continues ) - Wow.
Thanks, Axe Cop.
That's why I spy on people.
Axe Cop, this is Flute Cop, do you read me? Come in.
Over.
What do you want, Flute Cop? I'm on a night mission.
I'm sorry to bother you, but, uh, do you know how I've been saving my money to get $100? Well, guess what? I did it! Yeah.
So I was thinking of taking Anita on a little romantic getaway for our anniversary.
So Could you possibly babysit Uni-Baby for us? How much are you going to pay me? Uh, I can pay you $15.
I'll be right there.
( Shouts ) ( Dog barks ) Anita: Flute Cop's taking me to Hawaii.
- Isn't he romantic? - How would I know? I mean, can you think of a better place to go on vacation? - Yes.
- Uh, so the baby food is in the fridge and the fresh diapers are in the dresser.
Oh, and don't mess with Uni-Baby's horn, - um, as it holds great power.
- ( Uni-Baby giggles ) - Okay, see you in a couple days.
- Okay, see you later.
Bye-bye, little Uni-Baby.
Mommy wuv you.
And don't mess with Uni-Baby's horn.
It holds great power.
( Sniffs ) Gross! - She already pooped.
- ( Coos ) I'm not feeding you any more food.
You poop too much.
From now on you just get one small meal a day.
( Chimes ) - ( High-pitched voice ) What the heck?! - ( Baby laughs ) - ( Chimes ) - You know what? I don't like you.
I'm gonna hide this - until your parents come home.
- ( Crying ) Babies are so dumb.
( Groans ) - ( Beeps, line rings ) - Sockarang on the telephone! Sockarang, I'm at Flute Cop's house babysitting.
Oooh, I love babies! I'll be right there.
Aw, man.
Flute Cop has the best snacks.
So, ugh, where's the, uh, where's the baby? I locked her in the closet because she poops and cries too much.
- Oop, smart.
- Now let's look around the house and see if there's anything cool to play with.
( Rustling ) Hey, Sockarang, look what I drew.
I call it Magic World.
- We should go there! - I know.
- But how? - With this! Great! Let's go to Magic World! - Oh wait, what about Uni-Baby? - She won't die.
- She ate a small meal.
- We can't just leave her here alone.
No, but we can create cyborg versions of ourselves - to watch over her.
- ( Chimes ) ( Stomps ) I programmed the cyborgs to watch Uni-Baby - and to punch her if she cries.
- ( Crying ) - ( Smacking ) - See? When I have a baby, you're babysitting.
Not unless you have $15, I'm not.
- Axe Cop Magic World! - ( Chimes ) ( Dramatic music playing ) Magic World is so magical, I could cry.
Not me, I never cry.
Intruders! Freeze, Magic Police! Run! - ( Gunshot ) - ( Howls ) - ( Grunts ) - ( Gunshots ) ( Cocks ) ( Panting ) We lost 'em.
Of course we did.
The Magic Police are the slowest police.
Oh my gosh.
- Look! - The big magic show is about to start.
- Let's go watch! - I've got a better idea.
- Ah! - ( Chimes ) - ( Applause, cheers ) - Sockarang: Cool! Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed at our amazing magic show! This is ridiculous.
Where are their wands? And now for our first trick - ( Rips ) - ( Audience gasps ) Boo-ooo.
They tore our historic tent! Maza lapapell babalel laba lell sabba sell! - ( Chiming ) - Make that hole filly well! - ( Cheers ) - Oh, see, now that's what I expect - the unexpected.
- And now for our final trick! ( Squeaks ) Baba-shalell, make $100 - appear in every hand.
- ( Poofs ) - ( Gasps ) - How did they do that? I'm saying that rhetorically.
I don't want to know.
- I love magic.
- Now for our other final trick: A thousand-pousand- papa-pa-pa-pow! ( Poofs ) - This is an outrage.
- ( Booing ) Now they're richer than we are.
- We win! - You lose.
Ha ha! ( Panting ) Ladies and gentlemen, these are fake magicians! Let's kill them! - And good night.
- ( Chimes ) Ha ha ha ha! What should we do with all this money? Buy something that makes something invisible.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
I know a guy-- ( stammers ) Wa-wa-wait, I see something I want.
Awesome! I chubby wubby you! Ha ha ha ha! Chubby Doll is the best.
- Yes, he is.
- Flute Cop: Come in, Axe Cop.
Axe Cop, I just wanted to check in on Uni-Baby.
( Whispers ) I'm trying, just give me a second.
No, I hear because you're judging me.
You don't have to say anything.
It's that look.
- ( Growls ) - Axe Cop-- ( Beeps ) Hey, I think we should go back home and check on Uni-Baby.
No.
Send Chubby Doll back.
That way we can stay here in Magic World and have even more fun.
( Uni-Baby crying ) I'm going to blow this baby's head off! - Do it! - What the heck?! Axe Cop, the computer brains of those cyborgs have turned evil! They're gonna kill the baby! Come on, let's go save the baby.
No, I don't want to! We're not done having fun yet.
( Pants ) You are under arrest.
Abra-ca-handcuffs.
Fine, we'll go check on Uni-Baby.
( Chimes ) Ahh, isn't this great? So-ooo great.
Yeah.
It's amazing what $100 can buy you, or $100 minus $15.
So $85.
Oh look, coconuts! - Watch this.
- ( Playing tune ) - It's so beautiful.
- Oh man, I love you.
Uh, honey, can't we just try Axe Cop again? See how Uni-Baby is doing? I'm sure ( Kissing ) She's fine.
She's with Axe Cop.
What could possibly happen? ( Explosion, gunfire ) - ( Phone ringing ) - Hyah! - ( Ringing ) - Hyah! ( Sobs ) Ahhh, Stockarang! ( Yelps ) ( Groans ) What do you want, Flute Cop?! I'm babysitting.
( Whispers ) It's Flute Cop.
Yes, she's fine.
Okay, we will.
Bye.
Flute Cop said we should take Uni-Baby to the park.
- ( Coos ) - I hate babysitting.
- ( Door opens, closes ) - ( Electricity zaps ) Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - We should rob a bank? - Yes.
- ( Uni-Baby crying ) - ( Axe Cop growls ) Why won't Uni-Baby stop crying? It's so annoying.
Well, she's probably hungry.
We haven't fed her all day.
Too bad.
I don't want her pooping.
- Oh ho ho, I hear that.
- Man: Axe Cop, Axe Cop, come in.
This is the chief of the normal police.
( Whispering ) It's the chief of the normal police.
What do you want? Why are you and Sockarang robbing a bank? - Hmmmm? - What are you talking about? We're not robbing a bank.
- But I think I know who is.
- ( Alarm ringing ) - ( Crashing ) - We are rich now! Let's go buy more guns to rob more banks.
Yes! C'mon, Axe Cop, let's go get em'! I'll chop your head-- oh no.
- I left my axe at the house.
- What-- what are we gonna do? - ( Wailing ) - Quiet, baby! This is no time for eating or pooping! Shhh, she's trying to tell us something.
This hole in the stroller, it's a cannon.
But there's no trigger.
There's no trigger! Because it's a poop cannon.
It's controlled by pooping.
- Oh, we gotta feed her! Aha ha! - Ugh, fine.
Eat, Uni-Baby, eat! ( Whirring ) - ( Dings ) - Hey, cyborgs! Look at this present we got you! I love presents.
The baby saved the day! - I chubby wubby you! - ( Coos ) So, Axe Cop, do you still think babies are dumb? Of course I do.
Flute Cop: Aloha! We're back.
Oh my gosh, we had such an amazing time.
This volcano was about to erupt and everyone was like "we're going to die," but Flute Cop used his flute to charm the volcano.
- ( Cooing ) - Let's just say it'll never erupt again.
Did you miss daddy? Did you miss daddy? Yes, you did.
Say da-ddy! - Can you say da-ddy? - Axe Cop.
Yeah, she said daddy! We all heard it.
I heard it-- daddy.
The sound in here is weird.
That'll be $15.
- ( Theme music playing ) - ( Flash popping )