Batman s01e49 Episode Script

Oh, no.
Let me in, please.
I have to see Mr.
Thorne.
A Sidney Debris to see you, sir.
Send him in.
Mr.
Thorne, I'm so grateful you're willing to see me on such short Nonsense, Sidney.
Come in.
Join me for a demitasse? No, thank you, sir.
Oh, sorry about the leather.
I hear you've made quite a name for yourself on the streets.
What is it they're calling you? Oh, yes "The Man Who Killed Batman.
" Well, yes, no That is, I didn't Oh, Mr.
Thorne, I'm in big trouble.
Now, now, just relax, man.
And tell me what's on your mind.
Well, for a while now, I've been trying to move my way up in the rackets.
A few nights ago, my pal Eddie G.
Told me about a big drug shipment he was picking up for some Mob hotshot.
Sounded like an opportunity and I wanted in.
Hey, hey.
- You want to blow this whole deal? - Sorry, Eddie.
Why did you bring along that loser? He's useless.
Not as bait for Batman.
He'll be too busy kicking the crud out of Sid to notice us.
Yo, Sid.
This is your big chance, bud.
You do this job right, you might even score yourself a cool Mob name.
Like what? We'll call you Sid the Squid.
Sid the Squid.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, get your keister up there and holler if you see anything.
Like a hungry sea predator Sid the Squid stretched his tentacles through the Gotham underworld.
Yeah, boy, I'm on my way.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
That's weird, wonder where that Help! The Batman.
Hey, this isn't what it looks like.
Looks like a drug run to me.
Someone's flooding the streets with that trash.
- I want his name.
- I don't know.
I'm just the lookout, honest.
Sid's taking on the Batman.
Little weasel's got guts.
No brains, but guts.
Split.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident, really.
- You okay? - Back off.
Yes, sir.
Don't let me fall, please.
Stop struggling.
Let go! - What? - What was that? I didn't mean it.
He came at me.
I was trying to get away and he went over the side.
Boom, whoosh, fire! I'm sorry.
No one could live through that.
You know what this means? Sid the Squid just offed the Batman.
You should be happy, Sidney.
Through a one-in-a-million mishap you've realized the dream of every criminal in Gotham.
The utter demise of Batman.
You know, Mr.
Thorne, my whole life I've dreamed of being a big shot.
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney.
And that night, for one minute, all my dreams came true.
To Sid the Squid, the man who burned the bat.
Squid! Squid! Squid! The toughest guy in Gotham.
Suddenly I'm thinking, if I take down the guy who took down Batman then I'll be the toughest guy in town.
Hey, you got my vote, chief.
Come on, Squid, give him what for.
- Come on, let's get it going here.
- Get up.
Come on.
It was nuts, I tell you.
Every creep and lowlife trying to get a little piece of the guy who got Batman.
I was actually relieved when the cops showed up.
Well, sort of.
- Can't keep me here.
- I got rights.
Lousy bulls.
Simmer down, party boys.
You'll be out tomorrow morning.
Montoya, word is coming in from the streets on a homicide victim.
- They have an ID? - Yeah, it's It's Batman.
What? How? That explosion at the customs house.
They said it's the work of some mastermind called the Squid.
Hey, look, Renee, the commish is taking it pretty hard.
- Could you? - Sure, sure.
How about it, losers? You see anything tonight? What's the word on this Squid guy? What about you, skinny? You got anything to say? Just one minute, please.
I'm Harlene Quinzelle, legal counsel to Mr.
Debris.
I paid his bail.
He doesn't have to answer questions until he's formally arraigned.
Don't I know you from someplace? I think I served you a subpoena once.
It was a small subpoena.
Gee, who would care enough to bail me out of the jug? My mom doesn't even speak to me.
And my parole officer's still in jail.
Wow, lady, you sure pile on the makeup.
My boss likes me to wear a smile to work.
Hey, I've seen you.
You work for the Joker.
Welcome, Sidney.
Please, allow me the honor of shaking hands with the man who did the impossible.
The man who killed Batman.
Sorry, force of habit.
You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sid.
No body, no batus delecti, so to speak.
We need to pull a job tonight just to make sure.
Make sure of what, boss? Why, that old Batsy's bought the cave, of course.
And one more thing, Murphy.
Don't ask stupid questions.
What? I'll get the mop.
Righty-o! Harley, you loot the safe while the boys and I set up.
Right away, Mr.
J.
When the cops show, stall them for a while.
Nothing too fancy.
Just keep them busy until Bats gets here.
Got it? Sure, boss.
- Any questions, Murph? - No, sir.
Good man.
And if Batman hasn't really gone to his final reward we'll see that he gets there.
From pinching pennies to rubbing elbows with the Joker.
Not bad, Sidney.
Please, connections like him I can do without.
Naturally, it didn't take the cops long to seal off the building.
Not that it mattered to Mr.
Happy.
Where is he? He's never been this late before.
There's a certain rhythm to these things.
I cause trouble, he shows up.
We have some laughs, and the game starts all over again.
Only, now, thanks to you I have this terrible feeling he's really not coming.
Look at all the pretties.
Put them back, Harley.
Mr.
J.
, you're such a kidder.
You never could I said, put them back! Sure, boss, I can do that.
This is me putting them back.
No problemo.
Without Batman, crime has no punch line.
A laughing gas bomb kept the cops busy while we slipped out the back.
Later, the Joker held a little memorial at the Ace Chemical plant.
You know what's great about you, pudding? You really put the "fun" in funeral.
Dear friends, today is the day the clown cried.
And he cries not for the passing of one man but for the death of a dream.
The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy.
For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today.
How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that.
Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face.
Or an exploding Whoopee Cushion, playfully planted in the Batmobile.
But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst.
The cowardly, insignificant ganef who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him.
This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats! But I digress.
The time for sorrow has passed.
It's time to look ahead to a future filled with smiles.
And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man there and slap him in that box there and roll it into that vat of acid there.
No, no.
I never meant to do it.
Help.
This isn't funny anymore.
Would it help if I said I'm sorry? I'm really, really, really, really, really sorry.
Well, that was fun.
Who's for Chinese? I thought I was a goner for sure.
Then, just as the acid started to eat its way in I was saved.
The box must have been sucked down a drainpipe and smacked open on the bank.
I knew I had to get out of town.
So I called Eddie G.
And begged him to set me up with the big man behind the drug ring.
He sent me to you.
Please, Mr.
Thorne.
You're rich and powerful.
I'll do anything you say if you can get me out of Gotham.
So the famous Sid the Squid is nothing but a pathetic victim of circumstance.
Just how stupid do you think I am? - Excuse me? - You think I didn't hear the rumors of the third-rate stumblebum who rubbed out the Batman? And now you say you accidentally made a fool of the Joker.
No one's that lucky or stupid.
- Yes, I am.
Honest.
- Admit it.
You're trying to muscle in on my drug racket.
You've been playing dumb so you can get a shot at me.
No, really.
Sure, I'll get you out of Gotham, Sidney.
In a pine box.
You.
That's for pulling a gun.
And that's for the drugs.
And that one's for any I missed.
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Wait a minute, how come you're alive? I swung away before the gas tank exploded.
I thought since you believed I was dead, I'd tail you and see who was calling the shots.
So you were the one who saved me from the Joker? That's right.
Well, glad to be of service.
See you.
You're still an accomplice to Thorne's gang.
Guess I can't win for losing, huh? I don't know.
In the right environment, a man of your dangerous reputation could still get a lot of respect.
- Here he comes.
- It's the Squid.
Toughest man in Gotham, nearly offed the Bat.
Set Thorne up, he made a fool out of the Joker too.
- Don't mess with him, man.
- A big shot at last.