Big Bang Theory s02e14 Episode Script

The Financial Permeability

Hmm.
The problem appears to be unsolvable.
Maybe we could run some computer simulations.
There are many variables.
It would take forever.
We've gotta be missing something.
Okay.
Let's start again.
The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40 here at 8:10, and here at 8:45.
All right.
These theaters have to be eliminated.
Why? They're state of the art: digital projection, surround sound.
Yes, but they have no Icee machines.
Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.
They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines.
No lumbar support can compensate for that.
It's gonna take an hour to eat and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.
-We could eat after the movie.
-Unacceptable.
The delay would result in tomorrow morning's bowel movement at work.
Hang on, hang on.
There's a 7-Eleven here.
We smuggle Slurpees, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.
Wow.
-I don't see how we missed that.
SHELDON: Excuse me? In what universe are Slurpees Icees? That's how we missed it.
Would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis to create an emergency ad hoc Slurpee-lcee equivalency? Oh, Leonard, you know I can't do that.
Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Yup, I don't see any way around it.
-Bye, Sheldon.
-See you.
Later, dude.
They're right.
It was the only option.
-Oh.
Oh.
Shut the door, Shut the door.
-Why? Just do it.
-Get inside and shut the door.
-Well, you didn't specify.
-Is Leonard around? -He went to the movies without me.
It was the only option.
I'm sorry, I don't know understand which social situation this is.
Could you give me some guidance how to proceed? [SIGHS] The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs -and I haven't paid my rent.
-Oh, I see.
I'm not comfortable harboring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
It's no big deal.
I'm just a little behind on my bills.
They cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
If you recall I pointed out the "check engine" light to you several months ago.
No, the "check engine" light is fine.
It's still blinking away.
It's the stupid engine that stopped working.
It cost me, like, $ 1200 to fix it.
You know, it occurs to me.
You could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Yes, it occurs to me too.
Hang on a moment.
[PENNY GASPS] Here.
Take some.
Pay me back when you can.
Wow, you got a lot of money in there.
That's why it's guarded by snakes.
-Take some.
-Don't be silly.
I'm never silly.
-Here.
-No, I can't.
-Don't you need money? -Well, yeah, but-- This is money I'm not using.
But what if you need it? My expenses account for 46.
9 percent of my after-tax income.
The rest is divvied up between a small savings account this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection.
Or her own protection.
-Take some.
-Really? I mean, are you sure? I see no large upcoming expenditures.
Unless they develop technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Are they working on that? I sincerely hope so.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Ah, hmm.
Oh, God, no, I can't.
Look, Sheldon, honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water? I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Of course you will.
It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can.
Assuming you've subscribed to a linear understanding of time and causality.
I'm regretting this already.
You know, I've given the matter some thought and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Interesting.
Ask me why.
Do I have to? Of course.
That's how you move a conversation forward.
Why? The learning opportunities would be abundant.
Additionally I like having my belly scratched.
-Hey, Penny.
How was work? -Great.
I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.
Was that sarcasm? No.
Was that sarcasm? Yes.
-Was that sarcasm? -Stop it.
Penny? -You appear to have a package here.
-Oh, thanks.
It must be the beret I ordered.
A couple of months ago.
It was back-ordered.
Did you know the beret is an example of a piece of women's fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.
He's not lying.
He does find that fascinating.
Okay, look, whatever.
It's not like I'm running up and down the streets buying berets.
I bought one a month ago when it was back-ordered.
It finally arrived.
-All right? -All right.
Oh, my God, would you just get off my case? -Weird.
-Oh, good.
That was an unusual interaction.
I wasn't sure.
-You guys have an argument? -No.
You clearly did something to aggravate her.
SHELDON: I'm at a loss.
If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there's a blunder I overlooked.
Here you go.
Oh, you owe me another $2.
The price of moo shu pork went up.
[SIGHS] It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.
Here you go, Penny.
Shrimp with lobster sauce.
Thank you.
What's my share? -Uh, don't worry about it.
It's my treat.
-No, really.
How much? It's whatever.
Ten, $ 11.
Well, which is it? Ten or 11 ? Fourteen-fifty.
But it's no biggie.
You'll get the next one.
[BOTH LAUGH] What? He was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a tank top if he'd get his shrimp lo mein for free.
What are you saying? That I'm using my body to get dinner? That I'm some sort of Chinese food prostitute? Yeah, Raj, what are you saying? Let me tell you something, I pay my own way in this world.
I don't rely on anybody.
-What was that about? -He has a nervous bladder when he's stressed out.
Kind of like a puppy.
Here, Leonard.
Ten, 11, uh, 12-- $ 14.
It's 14.
50, but it's okay.
Oh, good.
Dinner's here.
Yes, dinner's here.
And I'm having takeout food.
-Okay.
-You're damn right it's okay.
I've been having leftovers for four days and I wanted something different.
So sue me.
Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.
I will pay you back as soon as I can.
You just have to give me time.
-Oh, wait.
You lent her money? -She needed money.
You seem under pressure.
Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? I can give you more.
Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn't you? Yeah.
You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can't pay her bills.
[SIGHS] -Where are you going? -Going home.
Where I won't be interrogated like a criminal.
I forgot my fortune cookie.
In case either of you have larceny in your heart you should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.
But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of 50's in Green Lantern's ass.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Hey.
-Hey.
A little mood lighting, huh? Yeah.
When I didn't pay my bill, the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.
Yeah, they're very considerate that way.
I used Sheldon's money to pay my rent.
Then I had, like, $ 14 left over.
Fourteen dollars, huh? Put it back in your pocket or I'll find another place to put it.
Back in the pocket it goes.
Look, you do understand that Sheldon doesn't care when he gets the money back.
It's actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn't make you wanna, you know, kill him.
Yeah, well, that's not really my big problem.
You're a little behind on your bills.
Everybody gets behind on bills.
Yeah, I know, it's just-- This wasn't the plan.
It wasn't supposed to go this way.
Hey, well, what was the plan? Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
Uh-huh.
Was there a Plan B? TV star.
Well, it's probably not as bad as you think.
Let's take a look.
Maybe we can find some corners to cut.
Oh, here's something.
If you don't have electricity, then you probably don't need cable.
Just a suggestion.
A hundred and seventy dollars for acting classes? Oh, no, I can't give up my acting classes.
I'm a professional actress.
Oh.
You had an acting job where you got paid? [SCOFFS] That is not the definition of professional.
Actually, it kind of is.
Let's keep looking.
Whoa.
What's $ 1800 to the Los Angeles County Superior Court? Oh, that's nothing.
Nothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4000-miles an hour.
Well, remember Kurt? Your ex-boyfriend? Yeah, he got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
-What? -He was drunk.
I would hope so.
He had a bunch of outstanding tickets and a bench warrant, so l-- You know, I paid his fines.
Did he pay you back? No, but he will.
And that's based on the inherent credit-worthiness of people who get drunk and urinate on police vehicles? Leonard, I'm not gonna call up Kurt and ask him for money.
Oh? What are you gonna do? I don't know but I might have to find a cheaper place to live.
Oh, no.
No, you don't wanna do that.
Why not? Uh, moving is a big deal.
Uh, you-- You have to go to the supermarket and get boxes and if they're not clean then your books smell like melons and it's-- Why don't you just get a roommate and stay here? Well, do you know anybody? Well, I'm sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn't mind moving in with you.
Oh, Leonard, honey, if we started living together I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
Really? And you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money.
Ugh.
This moo shu pork's burning a hole through my duodenum.
Tsk, tsk.
Leviticus 11:3.
That which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye eat.
Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper? -Hey, what's going on? -We're on a quest to the Valley of Fire.
You want the Valley of Fire? It's right here.
Hey, you guys wanna go on a real live quest? Outside? I just made cocoa.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
What is it? Do you guys remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt? Yeah, that's him.
Uh, it turns out he owes Penny a lot of money and I'm gonna go get it from him.
Who's with me? Ooh, double sixes.
Really? You're just gonna let me go by myself? Oh, cool, I got a sword.
I could use some help.
Here.
You guys are unbelievable.
You play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's adventure in the real world you just wimp out.
Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman? We returned home without pants.
-I do.
-Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.
I'm not afraid of him.
All right.
Leonard fairly calls the question: Who is in favor of abandoning our game and confronting Penny's steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.
Excuse me.
When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor didn't Samwise, Pippin and Merry go? -They did.
-Well? They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.
Plus, no one stole their pants.
Fine.
Enjoy your little game.
I'll make this quest on my own.
Leonard, wait.
Take a jacket, it's shpritzing a little.
You guys suck.
Come on, please.
He's so big.
-Okay, is everyone clear on the plan? -Yes.
Koothrappali's going to wet himself l'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away, and you're going to die.
Shall we synchronize our watches? Guys, there are four of us and one of him.
Which means his triumph will be even larger.
Minstrels will write songs about him.
Okay, how about this? I'll do the talking, you stand behind me and try to look formidable.
I should've peed before we left.
Yeah? -Hi, Kurt.
-Lenny, right? I don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay.
Um.
You remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.
No.
-What do you want? -You don't remember me? -How could he not remember? -Sheldon, not now.
I remember him.
Okay, here it is.
Penny's in kind of a financial jam and the money you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
-And she sent you to get it from me? -No, she's too proud to ask for the money.
I, on the other hand, feel you should honor your debt.
You do? "Feel" is kind of a-- It's a strong word.
Uh.
But I just-- I think it'd be a nice gesture on your part.
She'll get it when she gets it.
Well, there you go.
Problem solved.
A successful quest.
Now let's find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
No, the problem isn't solved.
He just blew us off.
I've got it.
He didn't remember me, because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.
-Come on, Leonard, let's go.
-No.
You can leave if you want to.
-I'm gonna see this through.
-Okay.
I guess technically that was my fault.
I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
What happened to your backup? I don't need backup.
I have right on my side.
And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Congratulations.
You may not have succeeded in getting cash but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt.
Maybe we should have your head notarized.
If anybody cares, I still have to pee.
Hey.
-Is Sheldon here? -Yeah, hang on.
Sheldon.
-Nice hat.
-You know? It's kind of a fashionable look these days.
Maybe if you're working on a tuna boat.
-Hello, Penny.
-Sheldon, here is your money.
Thank you very much, it helped a lot.
Sarcasm? -No.
-Darn.
I can't seem to get the hang of that.
Hey, I know it's none of my business, but where did the money come from? Well, I cut back my expenses like you said and picked up more hours at the restaurant.
The biggest thing was, out of the blue, Kurt shows up and gives me the money he owes me.
[PENNY CHUCKLES] Really? Did he say why? Yes.
He said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right.
[PENNY CHUCKLES] That's it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany? Nope.
I just think he's really changed.
We're having dinner tomorrow night.
And I get to wear my new beret.
Ha, ha.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
Well done, Leonard.
The true hero doesn't seek adulation.
He fights for right and justice simply because it's his nature.
Penny's hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead.
That's your badge of honor.
They're your, uh, warrior's wound, if you will.
I was wrong.
Minstrels will write songs about you.
Great.
[SINGING] There once was a brave lad named Leonard With a fi-fi-fiddle dee-dee He faced a fearsome giant While Raj just wanted to pee