Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

The Precious Fragmentation

Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff? Well, it's very simple.
In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose I'm the smart one.
Wolowitz is the funny one.
Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails.
That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
One more floor and I'd be the pulled muscle.
Oh, it's about time.
I'm starving.
Uh, well, we didn't actually get Chinese food.
-Why not? -Don't panic.
This is better.
Oh, no.
You didn't trade the food for magic beans, did you? Of course not.
And, technically, magic beans would be food.
Eating them would be a waste, since you could plant them and have a giant beanstalk which would provide roughage for a small city.
Yeah, sometimes I don't listen.
Sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down.
We were on our way to the restaurant.
We saw Adam West, so we followed him.
-Who's Adam West? -Who's Adam West? What do the two of you talk about after the coitus? My guess is, "Hey, four minutes.
New record.
" [HOWARD CHUCKLES] That's why I'm the funny one.
Anyway, we followed the guy to this garage sale.
They had the coolest stuff.
They were closing up.
We got this whole box for 60 bucks.
We didn't go through it.
There could be anything.
There a new girlfriend in there? You might need one.
No, but there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY] Oh, you're right, it's Ghostbusters ll.
Never mind.
Oh, my God.
An ALF doll.
When I was 11, my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left.
I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac and ALF was gonna bring him back to me.
But he never did.
[IN STRAINED VOICE] Where's my daddy, puppet? Where is he? That is so sad.
No, what's sad is that you don't know that Adam West was TV's Batman.
Here's Spock's head with no body.
Here's Mr.
T's body with no head.
Oh, yeah, here's Spock's body with Mr.
T's head.
[LEONARD CHUCKLING] [AS MR.
T] "I pity the fool who's illogical.
" [LEONARD, HOWARD & RAJESH LAUGHING] I'm just gonna go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony.
-[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, bye.
-Okay.
Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots.
And an Aquaman action figure.
Looks like someone drew a penis on him.
Eh.
That'll come off.
You see what you're doing? Stop that.
-Fascinating.
-What? -It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.
LEONARD: Oh.
It's even got the Elvish engraving on it.
It's not Elvish.
It's the language of Mordor written in Elvish script.
"One ring to rule them all.
" "One ring to find them.
" "One ring to bring them all.
" "And in the darkness, bind them.
" Holy crap, are we nerdy.
So I was doing some checking on the ring.
Hold on.
Sheldon, is there ketchup on that table? Yes, there is.
Oh, here's a fun fact.
Ketchup started out as a general term for sauce typically made of mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices.
Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy oyster, kidney bean and grape.
No, that's okay, I'll get it.
Listen, I was looking at the ring and it seemed a little weird.
No copyright notice on it.
So I took it down to this buddy of mine who deals with shall we say, the seedy underbelly of the collectibles world.
Seedy underbelly? Uh, your black-market phasers your screen-worn Lieutenant Uhura panties, that kind of stuff.
[HOWARD CLEARS THROAT] Who's this mysterious buddy you suddenly have? Just a guy.
I know a guy.
-Is it Eddie Crispo? -No, I can't tell you who it is.
-Who else could it be? It has to be.
-I know lots of dangerous people.
-Name one.
-Eddie Crispo.
Anyway, he said this isn't a replica.
It's the real deal.
If you're suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever-so-slight amusement.
[SCOFFS] He's not saying it's a magic ring.
You're not, are you? No, but it's close.
Look at the markings inside.
Those are production markings.
Nine rings were made for use in the movies.
Three were given to members of the cast.
The rest were destroyed.
Except one.
One was stolen.
Gentlemen, this is the One Ring.
Mine.
No, it is not yours.
We all went in on the box together.
Yes, but I found it in the box.
And the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner.
How is this maritime salvage? Other than the lack of water, how is it not? Wait, Sheldon.
Stop being crazy for a second.
How much is something like this worth? Well, it's tough to say, since it's hot.
On the underground market, my guy figures-- -Your guy Eddie Crispo? -Yes.
-He figures 10-, maybe 15,000.
-Okay, that's a lot of money.
The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical.
Like a Jet Ski.
Why do you want a Jet Ski? All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis.
-That can't just be a coincidence.
HOWARD: Ugh.
We can't sell it.
We have to keep it and love it and polish it.
Take it out occasionally when we go to the park and reenact our favorite scenes from the movies.
It's sad how great that sounds.
[HOWARD CHUCKLES] Guys, it's stolen.
It should go back to Peter Jackson.
-He made the movies.
It belongs to him.
HOWARD: Fine.
He can have it back.
As long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.
But there are no Jewish hobbits.
Clearly, you've never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.
We are not blackmailing Peter-- -All right, where's the ring? -You mean my ring? -What are you doing? -The ring was unguarded.
It was sitting on the table.
Anyone could've taken it.
Proof? I did.
Give me that.
Be reasonable.
We want to do different things with the ring.
But your ideas are stupid and I want a Jet Ski.
I found it.
The ring is mine.
I don't understand why in this group I never get my way.
You always get your way.
I'll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.
Hey.
Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food but bringing you a box of random crap? Yeah, it's delicious.
The sarcasm's a little stale, though.
[HOWARD LAUGHS] How about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds it.
-What ring? -This ring.
Looking for something? -Will you hold this for a couple of days? -Why? It's a prop from a movie and we're kind of fighting over it.
The first piece of jewelry my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie and I don't even get to keep it? If you had gone out with me years ago you'd have my Aunt Ida's brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
How am I looking now? [SHELDON BUZZING] [PENNY GRUNTS] [SCREAMS] [SHELDON YELLING] SHELDON: You hit me! [SOBBING] I'm bleeding! What was that? Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
That's my girl.
So, Sheldon, how's it feel to get beaten up by a girl? It's not the first time.
I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero.
If only I'd had the presence of mind to reabsorb her.
I'd have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
Have you come to the realization that the only reasonable action is to sell the ring and divide the money? -No.
-I was afraid of that.
[RAJESH CLEARS THROAT] Go ahead.
Greetings from Mumbai.
I'm Raj's attorney, Venkatesh Koothrappali.
Also my cousin.
-You brought a lawyer? -Don't answer that.
I'll get straight to the point.
My client's prepared to surrender any interest in the ring in exchange for two Kawasaki Jet Skis.
We're not giving him two Jet Skis.
Look, we're big boys.
Why don't we just cut to the chase and meet in the middle? One Kawasaki Jet Ski.
Done and done.
No Jet Skis.
All right, forget the Jet Skis.
Forget the Jet Skis? What happened to "tear them a new one"? What can I say? They played hardball.
We lost.
-You're useless.
-I told you that when you hired me.
RAJESH: I'm signing off now.
-Call your mother.
She worries.
So you know, if we're bringing in cousins who are lawyers prepare for shock and awe.
You know, I am ending this.
Penny didn't wanna hold the ring.
She gave it to me.
I have it.
I'm sending it back.
-Where's the ring? -You mean this ring? Be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men's room.
-Give me that.
-No, it's mine.
It's all of ours.
[ALL GRUNTING] Okay, this is ridiculous.
-Then let go! -I'm not.
You let go.
I say this ring belongs to the last person who can hold on.
Fine.
Can't we go home and start? Sure.
Let go of the ring.
All right.
It starts now.
You do realize there's a giant-bug movie marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel.
Wait, my laptop.
[HOWARD SIGHS] Yeah, there's a point when this becomes idiotic.
And it wasn't when we were driving like this? I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile.
I have endless patience.
I spent two and a half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
LEONARD: You wanna talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
RAJESH: There's six seasons, dude.
LEONARD: Oh, crap.
No, no, no, the sixth season is great.
We go to Paris with Carrie and get our heart broken and then Mr.
Big shows up.
We don't know if we can trust him again.
It's a wild ride.
Door.
[KEYS JINGLE AND LEONARD SIGHS] Okay, everybody, and plié.
And relevé.
What are you doing? Last one holding the ring decides its fate.
I know it sounds silly.
No, no, no.
You are my boyfriend.
Nothing you do is silly to me.
Thank you.
FYI, this is a bag from Victoria's Secret.
I'm out.
I'm sorry, Ma, I have to stay late at the office.
No, he doesn't.
He's lying to you.
Will you be quiet? Well, if you want privacy, let go of the ring.
I'm so glad we came to this gentile strip club.
Howard, here's more bacon to tuck into the shiksa's G-string.
[LAUGHS] I'll call you back.
It's lovely you call your mommy and let her know you're going to be late.
From what I know, if a woman doesn't breast-feed on time it's very uncomfortable for her boobies.
Don't you talk about my mother's boobies.
If you're offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother's boobies.
[RAJESH CHUCKLING] Excellent.
Tire each other out.
The ring will be mine.
Howard, why don't you go after Raj's mother? Why don't we go after your mother? Go ahead.
I have no illusions about my mother.
She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr Pepper addiction.
Anything you'd like to add? That's not gonna get you anywhere.
Better pull out the big gun.
You're right.
Let's talk about your grandmother.
No.
I call no meemaws.
Think about this.
The only way your mother was born was your meemaw had sex.
[RAJESH & HOWARD CHUCKLING] -I don't wanna hear this.
-Then let go of the ring and walk away.
-Never.
-All right.
I'll bet your meemaw didn't just have sex to have your mother I bet she had sex [IN SULTRY VOICE] because she liked it.
[RAJESH & HOWARD CHUCKLING] -Stop it.
-Yeah.
Meemaw did the nasty.
-I said stop it! RAJESH & HOWARD: Ha-ha-ha.
-[IN NORMAL VOICE] We're getting to him.
-Waterfalls.
-What? -Waterfalls.
Crashing waves, babbling brooks.
-What are you doing? -Subliminal messaging.
I'm going to make you want to pee.
Dripping faucets.
Leaky gutter.
Peeing.
It's not working, dude.
Oh-ho-ho.
It's working, all right.
I have to pee.
-Then let go of the ring and go.
-Actually, I wouldn't mind going too.
Heh.
Fine, um, on the count of three.
One, two-- Wait, just to clarify, when you get to three do we stand up or do we pee? We stand up.
Excellent choice.
Three.
Oh.
Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
[RAJESH GRUNTS] I've done it.
I've won.
The ring is mine.
It's mine! We're going to clean it up and make it pretty.
My own, my love [SCREAMS] [SCREAMS] Where's the ring? It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
The fires of Mount Doom? Peter Jackson's office in New Zealand.
It wasn't ours.
You quit the game.
You had no right to take it.
You guys were sleeping.
The ring was on the floor.
No one was touching it.
So we start the game over until there's a winner.
There wasn't ever going to be a winner.
There was going to be a selfish person and three people who used to be his friend.
Is that what you guys want? If it is, fine.
I don't want anything to do with you.
I don't know what happened in that bathroom, but I'm not cleaning it.
My precious.
I knew it.
-Give us the precious.
-Never! Never.
-Give it to me.
-Get off of me.
-Give me the ring.
-It's mine.
[PENNY GROANS] I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
-Give it back.
-Give it to me.
Give me the ring! -I said give it to me.
-It's mine!