Bizaardvark (2016) s03e16 Episode Script

1 - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Amelia.
- What's all that? - My latest pile of fan mail.
I gotta be honest, I really feel like I'm changing people's lives.
(scoffs) Changing lives? That's a little grandiose, don't you think? "Dear Amelia, you have changed my life.
" I mean, I don't have to tell you guys.
You probably feel the same way about your channel.
- (both scoff nervously) - Uh yeah totally.
Yeah, we're big life-changers.
Our videos change so many lives.
Cool.
So what're you workin' on right now? - Puke Plane 2.
- This Time It's Pukier.
Oh cute.
Cute? No, no, no, no.
Puke Plane 1 was cute.
Puke Plane 2 is totally different.
It's about us saving a whole plane full of people.
So we, like you, are changing lives.
- Great.
Let's see it.
- FRANKIE/PAIGE: No, no, no Agh.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the Puke Plane, bound for the National Upset Stomach Convention.
We know you have many travel options.
We thank you for choosing Puke Plane.
- (rumbling) - Uh-oh.
Turbulence.
I hope that doesn't affect anyone's digestive system.
Maybe we shouldn't have served under-cooked shrimp and goat's milk.
Ah, ha-ha.
I think we can stop it there.
You get the idea.
No way, you guys finally made Puke Plane 2?! Yes, please! - No, no, no! - No, no! - (throwing up, splatter) - (screaming) Oh, no! It's turned into a puke plane! - And this time, it truly is pukier! - (throwing up continues) - (clicks computer key) - So that was Puke Plane.
You two are artists.
- You know, there are other scenes.
- Without projectile vomiting? No Guys, you don't have to be embarrassed.
Not everyone was put on this earth to make a difference.
The world needs clowns, too.
Are we are we clowns? I don't wanna be a clown! Nobody wants to be a clown, Paige.
One day you just wake up, realize you have no other skills and bam! You're a clown! Are we just wasting our time here at the Vuuugle House? Amelia changed her channel, and is actually doing good in the world.
And what have we done that's meaningful? Nothing! We need to do something.
We need to prove to the world that Bizaardvark is more than just hilarious videos.
We can change lives.
Aaaaaaah! It's a pukelear attack! Ahhh Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Hey guys.
I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
And today, we're doing our first "Ask Biz Anything" segment.
Where you, our fans, can ask us anything.
And if some lives get changed along the way, so be it.
All right, our first question comes from Isabella, 13.
She asks: "What do you guys like to eat for breakfast?" Mmm.
I see we're getting real right off the bat.
Isabella, have you ever tried steel cut oatmeal? Neither have we, it's gross.
That's why we eat frozen waffles.
They are a breakfast miracle.
They're frozen.
Then 30 seconds later, they're not.
Try 'em, it'll change your life.
- (smacks button) - PAIGE/FRANKIE: Life changed! Aww, you went to the button early.
Eh, I feel like we earned it.
All right.
Next up, Tim, age 14, asks: "Do you guys recommend a separate shampoo and conditioner, or shampoo with conditioner in it?" You came to the right people, Timbo.
You're gonna wanna go all-in-one.
You sound like a busy guy.
Keep it simple.
Trust this girl on hair.
Her new 'do is amazing.
Aww, you noticed! Of course I noticed, Paige.
It's like 400 inches of hair.
- (smacks button) - PAIGE/FRANKIE: Life changed! Ooh, we got a live chat request.
Ready to change lives live? Hey Bizaardvark, I'm Jackson.
Hey, hit us with your probs, Jacko.
So there's this girl at my school named Sasha, and I have a huge crush on her.
I want to ask her to the school dance but I'm really shy, and I've never asked out a girl before.
I mean, if she says no, it would be, like, the worst thing ever.
I'd be so embarrassed I'd have to switch schools, and I'd be lost forever.
Like, as a human being.
So, can you guys help me? BOTH: Uhhhh Jackson, can you give us a second? - (clicks computer key) - (mute button beeps) Frankie, we are completely unqualified to help him.
Okay, I admit, we don't exactly have a ton of dating experience.
But we're on a roll here! We've helped a lot of people! Remember Tim, and his hair? Yes! And Isabella with whatever she asked.
We killed that.
Destroyed! And now we have a chance to do some real good for Jackson.
Let's do this.
- (unmute button beeps) - All right, Jackson, when you woke up this morning, did you know that all your problems were gonna be solved by the greatest problem solvers in the history of problem solving? Well buckle up, Jack Attack.
Because it's all aboard the Solution Train! We're gassed up, wheels up, and headed to Life Change City! BOTH: Choo-choo! Ugh, nope, I don't think we're gonna learn how to play just by staring at the board.
(phone chimes) Oh shoot, I'm supposed to take my college prep test today! I thought it was next week! I'm so bad at rememberin' stuff.
Me too.
Last week, I couldn't remember which I loved more, butterflies or flowers.
Then I remembered, I love them both equally! Willow, I'm so sorry.
But this test really is important.
And, I know I was supposed to watch you today, but I have to find someone else.
(yelling out) Can anyone here watch Willow? - I can watch her.
- (yelling out) Anyone? Again, I'm completely free.
Oh, you know who'd be great?! Crazy-Eyed Phil, from under the bridge! He screams a lot, but he always has fish.
Amelia, I can watch Willow.
I'm great with kids.
And I'm very responsible.
I've been taking care of this ant farm for two days.
(ant farm shatters) Oh, boy Ugh, fine.
Guess I have no other choice.
Bernie, you're in charge.
If there's an emergency, call Crazy-Eyed Phil.
He'll know what to do.
All right, Lil Will.
Let's get this party started! Maybe over here.
Ya know, 'cause of the, uh ants.
So, wanna go look for shells on the beach? Why get all sandy when you can find some of nature's greatest mysteries right here in the couch? I do like mysteries.
And couches! Yep, now, here, let's put on some sunscreen.
But we're staying inside.
Duh, it's to help your arms glide between the cushions.
Bernie, I don't just throw this phrase around, but you're fun! All right, Jackson.
Here's how you're gonna ask Sasha to the dance.
You're gonna walk straight up to her and tell her all your feelings.
- Okay - But not all your feelings.
- O-okay - (scribbles notes) You don't want to seem desperate.
Act like you'd be fine if she didn't go to the dance with you.
Yes! Also show her your sensitive side.
But also, your tough side.
O-okay.
Sensitive and tough And, I can't reiterate this enough: - share something personal about yourself.
- But remain mysterious.
Ooh, also use one of those sticks that ninjas use.
You mean a bowstaff? I don't know what it's called.
I just know ninjas use it, and ninjas are cool.
You want to be cool like a ninja, don't you, Jackson? I-I guess? Exactly.
No need to thank us.
We just do what we do, when we do what we do.
Ah, we've earned this.
Thanks to our advice, Jackson is going to overcome his fears and get the girl of his dreams.
Or not.
(gasps) Jackson? What are you doing here? And what happened to your face? I asked Sasha to the dance exactly how you told me to.
And she said no.
Now she hates me, and it's all your fault.
Hey, uh, not sure if this is a good time, but has anyone seen an angry colony of fire ants? Or Willow? How could this have happened? Are you okay? No, I'm not okay.
I just embarrassed myself in front of the girl of my dreams.
I thought you guys knew what you were talking about.
BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Tell us what happened.
Okay.
You told me to tell Sasha I was interested in her Sasha, you are a beautiful flower in the meadow that is middle school.
Would you go to the dance with me? But you also told me not to seem desperate.
Or, go with someone else, I don't care.
Uh You said that out loud? To a girl? Oh yeah.
And there's more.
You told me to show Sasha my sensitive side My feelings for you are as deep as the ocean.
But also my tough side.
I will give you five dollars to punch me in the face as hard as you can.
What? BOTH: What?! Then you told me to share something personal.
My favorite dog is the beagle.
But you also told me to be mysterious.
(loud whisper) You will never know me.
Okay, that's super weird.
Ohh, that's how you got a black eye, because she punched you.
She didn't punch me! I got this because someone told me to bring a bowstaff.
If I hadn't been swinging that bowstaff, I would've seen the ball.
Okay, to be fair, I specifically said "ninja stick.
" It's the same thing! It is the same thing.
The advice you gave me was terrible.
I made a fool out of myself, and now I have to go to the dance alone.
Thanks a lot.
Well, we tried.
Guess we're just not cut out to change lives.
Are you saying we should give up? Did Kevin Durant give up before he reached the National Baseball Championship? That sounds wrong.
Did I give up when I realized Kevin Durant doesn't play baseball? That's happening right now, so no? Frankie, this kid needs our help.
This could be our chance to change a life.
Jackson chose us.
(whispers) Will we choose him? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you 'cause you whispered for some reason.
I-I said, "Will we choose him?" Oh, ha! - I thought you said, "Will a moose swim? - (laughs) Either way, my answer is yes.
(electronic music) Uh Willow? What are you doing? I'm gettin' yoked! Hang on, we're almost done with this set.
Remember, finish strong.
Prin-cess Pup-pyyyy! She's got Puppy Power! - Yeah! - Woo! BOTH: Rahh! What's the deals, Meels on Heels? You're working out, and you're talking like Bernie? The Bern-man's been teaching me lots of things.
Did you know cargo pockets can hold an entire quesadilla? It took me six years to learn that.
Coo-coo.
Did-did you just say "coo-coo"? Yeah, like Bernie does! He's my new best friend.
Willow, a word? Young lady, I do not approve of you being best friends with Bernie Schotz.
Would this change your mind? Ew! Flexing to make an irrelevant point? That's exactly what Bernie would do! He is not someone to model your life after.
Why not? He's fun! Look, a lift sesh and a couple "coo-coo" s can be fun, but before you know it, you'll be having delusional fantasies.
I'm worried about your future, Willow.
Future Willow! She has future things on her arms! Something, something, also she skips! Yeah (gasps) You just had a fantasy! Willow, I'm sorry, but I forbid you from hanging out with Bernie Schotz.
- What?! - As long as you live under my roof, you'll follow my rules, young lady! Not-coo, not-coo.
I heard that, missy.
I am this close to taking away skipping.
All right.
There he is.
Let's walk up on that stage, and act like we're both Jackson's dates.
Sasha will be so jealous she'll reconsider, and wanna be his date.
Amen, sister.
Right after we hit the snack table Oh, we're doing this now? (microphone feedback) Whaddup, Jackson's middle school? Now, you might think this fine young gentleman doesn't have a date, and you're right.
He has two.
Us, we, we're the us, the dates.
- What are you guys doing?! - We're helping! Sasha? Sasha, if you're out there, you might want to reconsider your opinion of this fine, young man because his two dates are in high school.
We can watch PG-13 movies, and babysit, and almost get our driver's license - Permit.
- Permit! That's right, we're almost, kind of drivers! Which makes us cool, which makes our date, Jackson, by association, very cool.
So go, dance, and know that Jackson is cool, and full of dates.
Not the fruit.
(microphone feedback) Guys, are you kidding me?! No need to thank us.
We just see lives, and change them.
PAIGE & FRANKIE: Life changed! I didn't know you brought the button! Hey, I can be fun sometimes, too.
These two are also your dates? How many girls did you ask to this dance? - I no that's not - Save it.
My mom warned me about boys like you with your older lady girlfriends, and your ninja sticks.
Just don't talk to me ever again.
- Who was that? - Sasha! Wait, you got Sasha to go with you to the dance? Yes.
I managed to fix everything with her by myself.
But now, thanks to you two, she thinks I'm a jerk.
- Jackson, we're so sorry.
- We just wanted to help.
Well, you aren't helping.
You keep making things worse.
I never want to see either of you ever again.
You ruined my life! PAIGE & FRANKIE: Life changed! Nobody asked you, button! Well, we're officially failures.
PAIGE & FRANKIE: Failures! Why'd we even make that button? Because deep down, Paige we knew.
Hey guys, you got some fan mail.
- No way! All those are for us? - Maybe we're not failures! Huh? No.
These are all mine.
You got this coupon from Fran's Fan Store.
"Never give up on savings.
" - Hmm.
- Thanks a lot, Fran's Fan Store.
Wait, Paige.
It's a sign! It says, "never give up.
" Yeah, "on savings.
" No, on saving Jackson.
That's a bit of a stretch.
Is it, Paige? Then why would it be specifically addressed to us "Resident.
" Uh The reason we got into this mishegoss is we wanted to be taken seriously.
Do you want to be a clown, Paige? No.
I don't even like to be in small cars with two other people.
Then we can't give up.
In the words of Fran from Fran's Fan Store, "Act Now.
" All right, that one worked.
But what are we gonna do? When the principal kicked us out of the dance, he said we weren't allowed in the school ever again.
Yeah.
Inside.
He never said anything about outside.
I have an idea.
Is it gonna get us out of the mishegoss? Paige, please.
Leave the Yiddish to me.
(door closes) Hey, Meels! Hey, Willow.
Look, before we go to bed, I just want to say I'm sorry about before.
- WILLOW: You're fun! - Yeah, usually I am fun.
But, I'm also your big sister, - and that means - WILLOW: Hey, Meels! Hey, Willow.
Wait we already exchanged pleasantries.
(gasps) Bernie (music playing from TV) MOVIE NARRATOR: There was only one way for Princess Puppy to rescue the Unicorn Queen.
Go through The Big Wolf Forest (wolf howls) I cover Mr.
Bear Bear's eyes during the scary parts.
(creepy howling) Now I'm scared! I got you, brah.
Willow! What're you doing?! Uh, watching a movie with Bernie.
I mean, eating pocket food.
I mean, disobeying you.
I mean, you're sleeping right now, and this is a dream.
Saved it.
You didn't save anything.
I specifically told you not to hang out with Bernie.
BERNIE: Did they just say my name? I should probably respond.
But I wanna see how this movie ends.
I know! I'll make it seem like I'm listening by saying random smart things.
You don't wanna be like Bernie! He says random dumb things, and then compliments himself on them! You know, a puppy is actually a younger version of a dog.
Nice.
You can't pick who my friends are gonna be.
That includes Bernie.
Uh, they said your name again.
Quick, say something so they don't know you're watching Princess Puppy.
Uhhh, you know, a princess is actually a lady version of a prince.
Nice.
Look, Willow, do you really want to spend your childhood lifting weights and eatin' food out of your pockets? Well, why not? Exercising and not wasting food are both good things.
Huh Well, I guess when you put it that way You know what I think? I think someone is scared to find out that if they hang out with Bernie, they just might have fun, too.
Whoa.
So, take a seat.
Enjoy the movie with us.
Okay.
Is that cool with you, Bernie? Uh-oh, I heard Bernie.
Better say something not related to this movie.
This movie is awesome.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
This was a mistake.
Yeah, this movie's garbage.
Okay, we are technically not inside Jackson's school.
It's drone time.
Frankie, are you sure this is gonna work? We don't even know how to fly a drone.
No, the guy at the store said it's super easy to fly.
He had a name tag and everything.
- I dunno, Frankie - Oh, no, no, he did, it said "Oswaldo.
" This tablet and the screen on the controller will let us talk to Jackson.
So please, put your seats in their full and upright positi oopsie! It's already flying! (cheering) - FRANKIE: Hey, Jackson! - PAIGE: Remember us? Are you kidding? I said I never wanted to see you again! Just leave me alone.
We would never leave you alone in your time of need! So, if you give us one more chance, we know we'll rise to the occasion.
Ooh, when you said "rise," you should've made the drone rise.
Oh darn, that would've been good.
I'll try to work it in casually.
Jackson, we're here for you, and rise.
- PAIGE: What's happening?! - FRANKIE: It's out of control! (drone blades whirring) What-what are you doing? This thing is harder to fly than it looks.
You're a liar, Oswaldo! (students shriek) - Ahh! Okay! - Whoa! (students yell) (dramatic music) Whoaa, ohh! (electronic beeps) (screams) Oww! Uh-oh My ankle.
I think it's sprained.
I'm up for a soccer scholarship, and the tryouts are tomorrow! My life is over! BOTH: Uhhh - This is bad.
- So bad.
Hey, how long do you think I need to wait before I go in and get my drone back? Oh, no, Frankie, look, is that Sasha? Oh, my gosh, Jackson, are you okay? Those crazy Bizaardvark girls attacked me with a drone.
Ugh, those two are the worst.
Wait you can't stand them either? Huh, I guess we have something in common.
Um, here, let me help you up.
Wow.
That was an unexpected twist.
I guess we did know what we were doing! Hey, Jackson? Can I tell you something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time? I have a huge crush on - (thud) - (Sasha screams) - Forgot to turn the drone off! - We should run.
Puke Plane 3, here we come!