Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - For Winona

1 [ Hip hop playing ] MAN: This summer "Jabber Honkey.
" [ Woman screams ] An HBO miniseries event.
[ Electronic music plays ] [ Woman laughs ] Come gather 'round the TV But first you better bleep Because this shit is freakin' out of control We got a show with naked people A show that's barely legal And a show about a magical hole Whoo And down in Calabasas The girls have got the asses And don't let me catch you being a troll Just keep your eye upon the Kendall Kylie, Khloe, Kourtney, Kim All of them girls are like some beef in the bowl C-C-C-C-Come and watch the TV It's ancient aliens Come and watch the TV Episcopalians Come and watch the TV How 'bout Australians Come and watch the TV C-c-c-c-ca, c-c-c-c-ca, c-c-c-c-ca, c-c-c-c-ca Come on [ Laughs ] This is my self-portrait.
See, I'm really big and I'm up above the city.
And I got all this money.
And all the people are scared and love me.
And all the women are up there on me.
And the sky got flames, and my teeth are gold like a villain.
And my chain is crystal.
I think I got a pretty good likeness across of how my face is.
Thank you.
[ Applause ] [ Soft music plays ] Papa? I'm in love with a ground boy.
Get thee down from me! [ Sobbing ] MAN: Nerf Dad! Wrestle with it! Swim with it! Play football with it! Nerf Dad can beat up the other dads.
He can do your homework with you, tuck you in at night, teach you how to shave, how to deal with shame.
He'll be there when you build your tree house.
If mom forgets to pick you up from school, he'll be there to walk you home.
He's Nerf Dad! I'm getting brunch! We're getting benedicts.
[ Laughs ] Do you like it? [ Beat playing ] Boom Stripper with a booger Boom Stripper with a booger Boom I just kind of want to go home now.
Stripper with a booger Boom Oh, my God, there she is! Stripper with a booger Boom So, my mom asked me "So who's your favorite comedian?" And I said, "God.
" And she said Honey, don't.
Don't heckle God, I'm trying to win a sweepstakes.
WOMAN: Oh, here we go.
At the bus stop, what do you think? WOMAN 2: Mmm, I don't know.
Hard to say.
I bet Three fingers.
Solid, solid.
Okay.
What about that one? Mmm, hell yeah.
I know what you'd want to get up him.
[ Sing-song voice ] 88 pencils! I knew you would say that.
Do you know who he looks like? Howard.
[ Laughs ] Oh, remember when we went fishing? Ohh.
We put every fish we caught up Howard.
Ohh.
There's a tighty-whitey.
Nope, he's a loose goose.
You have to look at the way he walks, his attitude, the way he dresses, et cetera.
And look at the bites he's taking.
I bet I could wine-bottle that hunk! Yeah.
You're right.
Look at that stride.
Like the Colossus of Rhodes.
Like a swing set with a hole in it.
Girls, what are you doing? I told you if you're gonna work at my Kinkos, I get to pick the guys and you tell me what goes up their asses, okay? Yeah, there are rules here.
[ Shrieking ] I'm a man And I do ma-a-a-an things Yes, I know Wait, please shut up I know how I so-o-o-ound Three, four I drink it all up Hell, I even go down I piss on a bush I unzip the gowns You gotta come see me Be a man or else I'm nothing at all [ Coughs ] We're a man And we're doing ma-a-a-an things Yes, we know Hey, please shut up We know how we so-o-o-ound We're a man And we're doing ma-a-a-a-an things Yes, we know Hey, please shut up We know how it so-o-o-ounds We're a ma-a-a-an ALL: Shrimp juice! MAN: I know you don't want to, but pulverize it! I know you don't want to, but juice it! I know you don't want to, but chug it! Lose weight kind of.
It's shrimp juice! Uh, that's great and all, but that's not how we did it when I was a girl.
When I was a girl, we were all phantoms of the opera, you know what I mean? No one was the girl.
Back then, it was just a little different.
We all had, like, super burned up faces, but we had nice, fit bodies, clean suits and capes, you know what I mean? It was just a different time.
We all had masks.
Sure, I mean, don't get me wrong.
That was the same as now.
But even so, back then you could tell, we all had, like, super masculine jaw lines and nice hair.
I mean, it's not like now when everyone has super gross facial scars.
Back then, we just had, like, you know, a little scrunched up cheek, and we took it really seriously.
And and and And hid in stuff.
But the girl knew we were hot because of our voices.
Everyone's voice back then was killer, not like now.
[ Gulping ] MAN: Grape! Pizza! Busy.
Mole.
Ready.
Biblical.
Vibrating.
Ugly! Son, I know you didn't come up in here without no crackers for me! Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
My [bleep] too big for this [bleep] My [bleep] too big for this [bleep] My [bleep] too big for this [bleep] My [bleep] too big for this [bleep] I can't [bleep] believe this is taking this long! I mean, all I [bleep] need is a minor fifth from you and whatever the [bleep] you're trying to do over there, grabbing your nuts like you're [bleep] praying to God! What have you been doing?! Sucking each other dry all night? Oh, you need some honey and some lemon and some hot water? Or are you gonna man the [bleep] up on this next take?! Why can't you take a page from Nerf Dad's book, huh? God damn Nerf Dad's so pro, he's gonna up and leave me, I bet, get a solo career.
Don't you do it, boy.
Now, all right, on the count of one Don't you look at me like that, you [bleep] sucker! On the count of one That's right, I don't go to three, I'm a [bleep] pro! All right, y'all ready in there?! One! Amazon prime People don't really realize why turtles are so God damn slow.
It's because we jazzy.
[ Scatting ] I'm a turtle with a penis neck.
[ Mellow music plays ] First you get the haircut Then you get the titties First you get the haircut And then you get them titties First you get the haircut Then you get the titties First you get the haircut And then you get them titties I need a haircut First you get the haircut Then you get the titties I need some titties First you get the haircut And then you get them titties First you get the haircut Then you get the titties And I need titties First you get the haircut And then you get them titties I need a hair cut First you get the haircut Then you get the titties Ooh, I need the titties First you get the haircut And then you get them titties Thank you.
We are Fruit Blood.
We are juic-c-c-e.
[ Hip hop playing ] Bye-bye.
Chirp.