Californication s05e06 Episode Script

Batesy.
Aah! Hank? Good God, man, you're giving me the fuckin' willies.
Thought it'd help my cause.
Who can turn their backs on a sad clown? Let me guess: My wife and your daughter.
Not even so much as a smile.
You still hittin' the sauce? Yeah, but, I mean, I got it under control.
Uh-huh.
Falling off the wagon is typically followed by a bit of a bender.
I mean, it usually works itself out in a week or three.
Ohh.
I'm not worried.
I'm glad to hear that.
I'm sorry, Hank.
Okay? They'll get over it.
- Eventually.
- Yeah.
Yeah, in a week or three, but that's the thing about this thing.
- Hmm.
- There's nothing to get over.
- Hey-- - I didn't actually do anything.
Uh, you--you're preaching to the choir, honey.
Okay? I wouldn't give two fucks if you had done it the way they think you've done it.
But I didn't done it.
Okay.
I get it.
Man, you know I'd never tell, right? That shit would be between you, me, and the wall.
I'd take a fuckin' blood oath.
- Nothing actually happened.
- Okay.
So there's nothing to tell you.
- I believe you.
- It's due today, so I'm sorry, baby.
Come in.
I'll make you some breakfast.
Ooh, yummy--that sounds good.
I could eat.
Can you tell him I'm not talking to him? - She's not talking to him.
- What? Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do-do.
You'll forgive him, but not me? I'll work on her for you.
One day at a time, Batesy.
Ah, hells to the no! Hank fuckin' Moody.
No more notes, Sam.
I can't take it.
Just find another writer.
I won't be offended.
I promise.
It ain't about that movie shit, man.
I need to see your ass now, though.
- What about? - Kali.
What about Kali? Not over the phone, nigga.
Just get your ass over to my studio right now.
- You hear me? - Yeah.
I'm coming.
Or else my boys come get you, nigga--your choice.
No, no, no, no.
No, that--that's okay.
Don't blow me off, Moody.
I'm serious, man.
I'm on my way.
All right, mo'fucker.
I can explain.
You better fuckin' explain yourself, motherfucker.
Well, it was a long flight.
You know, we got to talking.
One thing led to another.
What the fuck you talkin' about, man? I don't know, what the fuck am I talkin' about? What the fuck am I talk-- What the fuck are you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about the fact that you're always fuckin' late, man.
Oh, all right.
That's some real passive-aggressive shit, right? You think your time is more valuable than my time, don't you? - Actually-- - I sense that shit, man.
Actually, I don't.
I don't.
But--but in a larger sense, my time will always be my time.
So it will always mean more to me personally.
Ah, man, shut the fuck up and buy a watch, nigga.
A'ight.
In the meantime, nigga, I need your help, Moody.
How can I be of service, my liege? I got this piece of music here, right? That is mighty purty.
It's like vintage Elton John there.
Yeah, well, this bitch ain't no fuckin' Bernie Taupin.
That's why we can't work together, Calvin.
Because if I'm not sleeping with him, he's a total fucking asshole.
Yeah, well, you know She can't write not fuckin' lyrics, yo.
Just a pretty face and a fuckin' smile.
All right, all right, all right.
Well, how can I help? Help the girl write some fuckin' lyrics, man.
Oh, no, no.
I write books screenplays, emails, uh-- Nigga, writin' is writin', man.
- I don't.
- Help a brother out.
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
But we're gonna have to get good and drunk first.
See, now, that's the best fuckin' idea I've heard all day.
Let's go.
All right, so where are we starting? I don't know.
It's obviously a love song, right? So what rhymes with love? Dove, shove.
"Did you just shove a dove up my ass and call it love?" Done! Writing lyrics is easy.
Next! Okay, the "no fun" face.
What do you wanna write about? I just don't want it to be cheesy.
I didn't come all the way here to write cheesy love songs.
Sorry, that's my thing.
I specialize in cheese-- big, gooey globs of it.
You're out of luck.
Okay, I just want it to be bittersweet and dark.
Well, you are nothing if not a semisweet piece of Milk chocolate? You are cheesy.
Yeah.
Speaking of love and whatnot, um-- Oh, two whiskies, barkeep, please, and keep 'em coming.
I think the samurai is deep in it.
Wit' you.
God, please.
What the fuck does that guy know about love? He's a spoiled man-child.
He gets whatever he wants, and he can't have me.
He just wants to control his product.
I don't think that's it.
I-I think everybody's got that special someone that gets under their skin and doesn't go away.
I think maybe you have that particular fungal property for him.
All right, so if somebody was asking me about a short story, I'd ask them, "What are you trying to say?" I don't know.
Um I'd love to talk about coming to L.
A.
for the first time.
And the fact that you tend to leave something or someone behind.
All right.
Now we're getting somewhere.
I can relate to that.
I can remember that shit as if it were fuckin' yesterday.
So what do you think? I don't know, you know.
I think we should keep looking.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, I got a good feeling about this place.
- Really? - Especially the bedroom.
I think we could get up to some trouble in there-- You've said that about every place we've seen.
Well, that's just a tribute to how warm I am for your form, woman.
You know what? I'm still chafing from this morning, so I'm sorry.
Hotels make me horny.
What doesn't make you horny, baby? Um cockroaches.
Dead babies.
Poop.
Shut up.
Look how close we'd be to the beach.
- And the homeless.
- Which would surely alleviate any homesickness for New York that might develop.
Oh, God.
You so don't wanna do this, huh? You know what? I just think of Becca.
- Yeah? - And I-I-- and it-- it feels all wrong.
But she's so little and adaptable.
Not to mention totally dependent on us.
If she complained at all, we could easily threaten to abandon her.
I'm pretty sure that would shut her up immediately.
You really sure about this? I'm not, no.
Not--not at all.
- Jesus.
- Charlie thought it would be a good idea for me to spend some time out here so people could put this beautiful visage to the name.
And I'm trying to do what my agent says for once rather than just telling him to fuck off and get me paid.
You know what? Huh? We were doing just fine.
- No, we weren't.
- Yes, we were, we were.
We couldn't even afford cable, Karen.
That was a choice.
- Really? - Yes.
Whatever.
You're not being a very supportive baby mama.
I thought I was your muse.
You are.
And right now, you're inspiring me to point out that, compared to what we paid for in New York for a broom closet, that place is a steal.
Plus, you'd get that.
Just like home.
So next we have We need to go to, um - What is it, "Sepul-Veda"? - Sepul-Veda? Look alive.
Ah, sorry.
Where'd you just go? Nowhere.
Just digging deep.
Okay What rhymes with "vagina"? I'm not gonna sing "vagina.
" Your loss-- that could be some seriously groundbreaking shit.
Yeah, some songwriter you are.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I got something here.
- You ready? - Yep.
People think it's funny.
But it's really hot and runny diarrhea diarrhea People think it's gross.
But it's really good on toast.
Diarrhea, diarrhea Here comes the chorus.
- Diarrhea, cha cha cha - Okay, asshole.
Come on, come on, come on.
This is my career.
You don't wanna have any fun? No fun.
Okay, no fun, no fun.
All right, what do you want to write about? I don't know.
I just Well, tell me about the guy you left behind.
You know, that guy.
That one.
Um He was jealous.
Well, you seem to attract the jealous type.
You bad girl, you.
I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
A hip-hop Jessica Rabbit, huh? He didn't like the attention I was getting from our friend Samurai.
Well, who could blame him? And that I got the offer to come here and to make a record.
So I have an offer for you! Why are you yelling? It's my style.
My thing.
It's--it's bombastic.
My clients love it.
Not this client.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
What's the offer? There is a script.
It's at Universal.
They're about to start production.
They need a polish.
Oh! I can polish things.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
You have never polished anything - Karen - In your entire life, ever.
Do I not polish your beautiful lady parts on a semi-nightly basis? Nailed it! How much? grand.
- Look at his face.
- I love L.
A.
I love it! I love it.
I said it, I meant it.
I'm here to represent it.
- You know that.
- Who are you right now? I don't know.
I don't know.
Whoo! You're gonna love it here too, Karenina.
They kissed.
I'm telling you-- ooh, ooh.
I don't think that a decision has yet been made.
- Why? - Well, because, you know, we're still looking at places.
Uh, "we" means "she.
" - I sensed that.
- Yeah.
You know what? This motherfucker had to drag me kicking and screaming here.
At first, I hated it.
Now I fucking love it.
Okay, what do you love about it? Everything is fucking fake! Okay? The houses are like sets, and the people are indistinguishable from actors.
It's awesome.
Hank's career is about to explode, Karen.
He needs to be here.
Charlie Runkle.
Ah, Ali, so nice to see you.
You too, mwah.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Is this him? Hank Moody, Ali Andrews, your executive on God Hates Us All.
Ah, nice to meet you.
You didn't tell me he was gorgeous.
Well, for you to discover.
It's great to finally meet you, Hank.
- I'm a huge fan.
- No, you're not.
Oh, I'm not, huh? I am a huge fan, Hank.
I swear.
I love you.
I cannot wait to get started.
Wow, people are very excitable here.
You notice that, Karen? - Ali, is it? - Uh-huh.
- This is Karen.
- Hi.
Karen is mybest friend, my lover Don't tell her-- And my baby mama.
- Did I cover it? - Yeah.
- Pretty much? - Nice to meet you, Ali.
Nice to meet you too.
Hey, could I pull you aside and buy you a drink? I know we've got a meeting on the books for tomorrow, but I would love to hit the ground running and get you up to speed.
Go.
Hit the ground running.
- Get up to speed.
- Okay.
You know how I love jargon.
There's something you're not telling me.
You're holding out on me, lady.
Because what if I think the truth makes me a bad person? Maybe the truth is what you need to finish this song.
The night I left for L.
A.
, the night that I met you on the plane Mm-hmm.
Me and my ex had one last dinner.
And we'd been arguing a lot, you know.
And, to be honest, I was happy to leave town.
But that night, he was so sweet.
He was actually the guy that I had been in love with for as long as I can remember.
And I wanted to stay.
I wanted to be with him.
But then he asked me if I slept with Samurai.
And I lied.
I told him what he wanted to hear.
And then he pulled a ring out and asked me to marry him.
Ohh What'd you say? Nothing.
I was speechless.
I got up, I went to the bathroom.
I splashed some water on my face.
I slipped out the back, jumped in a cab, and went straight to the airport.
Didn't look back.
I knew, if I went back to the table, I would have said yes.
But Then my dreams would never come true.
Hey, lady.
Come on back to bed.
I found this in your pocket.
- Ali Andrews.
- Ah.
"Please call me anytime.
" Come on.
Give me a break, Karen.
- I didn't even look at it.
- Oh, she's a-- Shows you how much I care.
You looked like you cared last night.
Well, she was full of kind words and flattery.
Who doesn't like that sort of thing? - She's a huge fan.
- What's not to like? She would totally fuck you.
Yes, and I only want to fuck you.
- So what? - Yeah, right now.
But that could change, you know.
- L.
A.
changes people.
- No, no, no.
Cities don't change people.
People don't even change people.
We are who we are.
Do you really think we're gonna beat the odds? Fuck the odds.
You know, we make our own odds.
You're incredibly naive.
And you're incredibly incredible.
Not to mention beautiful.
And, after all these years, you still get me wetter than a west African slut during monsoon season.
Huh? Oh, my God, I'm so not charmed by that.
- That's repulsive.
- No, you are charmed.
Because you know I love you long time.
And no trampy D-girl this side of the Mississippi is ever gonna change any of that.
Really? Now, come on.
Come on back to bed.
Let's californicate.
Really? Is it different here? - A little bit.
- Okay.
Let's get wet.
This is cheesy, Hank.
Fuck you.
I'm just kidding.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, you think you can work with it? I hope so.
I mean, they're beautiful words.
Yeah, but they're just words.
You gotta make the music.
Well, I definitely think I can make them work.
They're like a time machine.
Take me back to New York.
I remember exactly how excited I was, and how sad and scared.
Do you think you'll ever make it back to your guy? I don't know.
I spend a lot of time going back and forth in my head about what might have been and, uh, "just as well.
" I know the feeling.
I think that there are people in your life who--they inspire art.
You know, and you blow them up into these mythical characters and you give them all those magical qualities.
Or maybe they're just stepping stones for something bigger and better.
That's a pretty cynical way to look at things.
Yeah, well, look at you.
I mean, shit, I got a fuckin' song out of you.
Andthat's fuckin' cool.
God, I feel so exploited.
What do I get in exchange for digging deep and baring your soul? Anything you want.
No, I I don't think it's right to capitalize on all this heartbreak and champagne.
It's more than that, and I think you know that.
- I do? - Mm-hmm.
Because, no matter how messy or wrong or how much of a shitload of trouble we can get into, we just keep coming back.
True dat.
Or maybe that's what makes it so hot.
Can I get you another water? Mm.
No, I'm fine.
Yeah, you don't look fine.
How do I look? - Thunderstruck.
- Mm.
That's a good word.
Look, I know it's a lot to take in.
Maybe I should call Charlie.
Why? What would you say? I don't think I'd say anything.
I'd just scream.
I understand.
- You do? - I do.
Your book is brilliant.
And now we're gonna make it into a movie.
- Mm-hmm.
- But you gotta trust me.
But it's not a romantic comedy.
- I know what I'm doing.
- It's not a romantic comedy.
Your book is deeply romantic and very funny.
But it's also very dark and bittersweet.
Mm-hmm, totally.
Mm.
Is this really happening? - Yes.
- Hmm.
And you're not exactly responding in the appropriate manner-- what's that about? Uh, it's about the fact that my better half would cut off my dick if she knew what was going on.
Well, then you probably shouldn't mention it.
Well, I'm not going to.
She already thinks you're a woman of ill-repute.
She's right.
I wish I could tell her, though.
She'd be thrilled.
I'm usually telling her how wrong she is about shit.
How long have you guys been together? - Do you really care? - You don't cheat on her? No.
Am I supposed to? - None of my business.
- Hmm.
Guess I just misjudged you.
- What does that mean? - Nothin'.
First draft, 12 weeks.
Is that doable? I don't see why not.
Great.
Good luck with the writing.
Get me Todd Carr! How was your meeting? Kind of a nightmare, actually.
- Did she try to fuck you? - Of course.
I'm just that irresistible.
I'm like Spanish fly to these Hollywood types.
Ah.
But it did get me thinkin'.
About Let's not and say we did.
What do you mean? Fuck it.
Fuck this place.
Why mess with a good thing? You know, "Leave well enough alone" and other cliches.
Let's stay in New York.
Charlie'll understand.
And if he doesn't, fuck him and his bald head.
We do have a great life.
We do.
We're so lucky.
Totally.
Which is exactly why we should do it.
Yeah.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
You're in a really exciting place right now.
I mean, most people don't even get to where you are.
It's likethe American dream or some shit.
We should just ride the wave and see where it takes us.
- Are you sure? - I mean Yeah, because as long as we're together, who gives a fuck where we live, right? So There it is.
We're movin' to L.
A.
Shit, fuck.
Now that I said it out loud, I can't take it back.
Mmm.
You're pretty amazing, you know that? - No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
Pretty much the best baby mama a guy could ever hope for.
Really? And don't forget it.
Never.
Ever.
Moody, buddy.
Yo, come on.
Get in on some of this shit.
There you go, buddy.
I take it you likey? It's beautiful, man.
It's the missing piece of the puzzle.
This album had a lot of color on it.
But what y'all did, that's the home run, man.
You both outdid yourselves.
Glad to be of service.
Yo, you two fucked? Come on, does it seem like we had time to do that? We been writin' a frickin' song.
Heh, I'm fuckin' trippin'.
- Hey, yo.
- Yeah? Play that shit.
All right.
Grab some tissue, Moody.
It's just gonna break your fuckin' heart.
Turn the shit up, motherfucker.
She promised you stars like you read on her pages all of the tinsel and the company of strangers the fear that you came with you thought you'd escaped it but even while breaking you could still be persuaded looking out across the lights until the morning oh, but didn't they shine like the night sky and didn't they shine like the hazy daybreak like champagne and heartbreak oh yeah-eah eh eh oh, but didn't they shine oh, didn't they shine like the night sky hey eh eh didn't they shine Oh, didn't they shine Hey.
Can I come in? Sure.
Everything all right? - Is it Becca? - No, no, no.
She's--she's good.
She's fine, actually.
What's up? It's Richard.
He's, um He you know, he won't stop drinking.
It'sI don't think he can.
So And I just I-I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can, um I don't think I can live like this.
I-I'm sure.
I'm sure he's gonna be-- I'm sure he'll get it under control.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe he will.
I just don't know if I can wait, you know? And the truth is that I think I made a terrible mistake, you know?