Californication s05e07 Episode Script

Previously onCalifornication My ex-wife is looking for a new nanny for our son.
Any interest? - You like that? - No, Charlie! Hey, we could watch a movie or something.
- Inappropriate, Charlie.
- Right, that.
How's Becca? Boyfriend.
I wanna kill him, Hank.
A young, good-looking guy, swoops in, starts sniffing around your one-and-only, and you question his motives.
But I really like your daughter.
- He's you.
- What are you talking about? The kid's a loathsome, fucking asshole.
I'd like to introduce you to Richard Bates.
Haven't touched the stuff since Slick Willie was in the White House.
- Richard.
- Baby.
Come on up, honey! Stop it.
Tyler switched drinks, thought it'd be funny to watch him get drunk.
Jesus, that kid really is a young me.
Want me to go after him? No, I don't.
Just let him run it off.
Hey, can I come in? It's Richard, you know, he won't stop drinking.
I think I made a terrible mistake, you know? Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, please tell me we didn't.
I can't tell you that.
- Oh, my God.
- I-I-I won't tell you that.
- Y-y-you don't remember? - No.
- Anything? - No.
Of course we did.
It was pretty epic stuff, too.
It was like a goddamn sex opera.
Your aria was beautiful, by the way.
Oh, my God, this is so fucked up.
Yeahand not even remotely true.
- Really? - Gimme a break, lady.
I didn't even lay a hand on you.
Do you really think I'd take advantage of a married woman in such a sorry state? That's not very nice.
Oh, God, all I remember is, like having a couple of drinks and then-- Which, for you, is like the equivalent of getting totally blotto.
I know-- - No-- - Come on.
Give me a little tongue for being good! Thank you, thank you for not taking advantage of me when I'm sure you totally could have.
Now you tell me.
Whoa.
Batesy? What the fuck, dude? Hank.
Talk to me, buddy.
Use your words.
Quietly.
Hank, I woke up in a strange woman's bed.
Oh.
I mean, she was naked, Hank.
Incredibly naked.
I got it.
I can't find my wedding ring.
I'm fucked! Shh! Inside voice.
I can't go home and face Karen like this.
Been there.
Why don't we do this? Hey, Batesy.
Batesy, stay.
Stay.
Hey, did I hear someone crying? Oh, yeah, that's just Charlie.
- Oh, my God-- - No, he's fine.
He cries a lot, wouldn't you? Let's go to see-- You wanna go grab some breakfast? Uh, no.
N-n-no.
Not hungry.
- No? - Tummy troubles, actually.
Too much booze and marital woe.
Yeah, it was like watching a very special episode of Real Housewives of somewhere lame.
- I-- - Yeah I think you should go, Karen.
I think you gotta go.
What? Wha-- No.
I-I just kind of figured you'd wanna hang out - for a while-- - Oh, all right, all right.
So I'm like some lovelorn puppy, you throw me a bone, I'm supposed to roll over, lick my balls, and fetch? Is that it? Well, maybe next time, Karen.
Peace be with you.
Off you go.
Batesy! Pretty grim, Batesy.
How the fuck did you end up here? Ah, I just remember drinking myself blind, getting into a cab.
Told the guy to take me to a fucking strip club, and after that, it's just a blur of titties and beer.
Oh, shit.
This way.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Hello? Oh, hey.
Hey! Bates! You snuck out on me, you tricky little dicky, you! She knows my name, Hank.
Yes, indeed, she does And she appears to have your wedding ring, too.
You know, I'm going to be, uh, sick.
Uh, may I-- Oh, you know where the bathroom is.
Down the hall and to the left.
That's where I shot you up last night! I'm just kidding.
- Hank.
- Oh, Holly.
Holly.
Okay.
So, uh What's it gonna take if the man needs his wedding ring back? Oh, well, I mean, I understand, and I'm totally sympathetic, but he did pay me with it.
The guy went to town in the VIP room.
Dance after dance after dance.
I shook my moneymaker to an entire album for him.
Guns n' Roses.
Appetite.
- Great album, great album.
- The best.
Lost my cherry to it.
Front and back.
Hmm.
How much Is it gonna-- Come on.
- These are 20s.
- I know.
Come on.
Okay.
That's it.
Not a dollar more.
That's what I'm owed.
Mm-hmm.
Can I ask you a question? Sure thing, Hank.
Did you guys, uh, you know-- - Fuck? - Yeah.
What do you think, I'm a slut? You think just because I dance naked for money, - that I'm an easy lay? - No.
Oh, really? Well, no, actually.
We came back here, we brewed some mint tea, curled up on the sofa, and watched some British television.
Return to Cranford.
Have you seen it? - Oh, it's a real treat.
- Hmm.
Of course we fucked! The guy's an animal.
Come on.
Did he wear a rubber? Oh, no glove, no love.
That's my policy.
That's a solid policy.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, Lizzie.
Can I come in? Ooh, do you think it's appropriate? In this case, yes.
I just wanted to say good-bye.
Good-bye? What are you talking about? You just said hello.
Marcy let me go.
Really? As in, fired you? Why? Well, it's a long story, but Basically, she thinks I was trying - to seduce her husband.
- Were you? Stu's not exactly my type, Charlie.
He has a very big penis.
Seriously.
It's like a pile of snakes with an apple on top.
That's disgusting, Charlie.
Very.
So, what happened? Well, Stuart was taking a nap, and it was so hot in the hills.
I thought I'd go for a swim.
They're always encouraging me to use their pool.
I didn't have a bathing suit.
Continueplease.
But no one was home.
Mr.
Beggs, I am so sorry! Stuart's asleep, and I thought I was here alone.
No apologies, dear.
You have a magnificent body.
And call me Stu.
- So, you were naked.
- Completely.
And I think he must've said something to Marcy, and she thought it was inappropriate.
And then suddenly, she started screaming, and I was fired.
Charlie? You let me see what I can do.
I'll--I'll go talk to them.
Thank you, Charlie, you're a dream.
Now, just so I'm clear, you were totally naked? - Yes, Charlie.
- Okay.
Good.
Got it.
Yeah.
Um, do you mind terribly if I use your shower? It's just--I feel so dirty and disgusting after all this.
No problem at all! Be my guest.
- Um-- - Yes.
I'll be totally naked in your shower Charlie.
Excellent! Fuck it, I gotta know.
Did she say what happened? Who? - The stripper, goddamn it! - Ah, yeah.
Right, the stripper.
You really wanna know? No! But I gotta know what I'm dealing with here.
Like, if I cheated on this woman, this incredible fucking goddess of a woman, my queen-- I gotta come clean, Hank.
She's been through too much.
No offense.
Some taken.
All right, well this is what she told me.
She said she brought you home, and she was down for anything.
And you were tempted, but you fought her off.
Said you were in love with your wife.
You couldn't do it.
You couldn't even get it up! Jesus.
I'm relieved, but ashamed.
The drinking does that to a man.
Well, it happens to the best of us.
- Jesus.
- Not really.
I'm so relieved.
Thank you.
- Why? Why? - Ex-exactly! - Yeah, why? - Why? You tell me why.
Why must two men be confined to handshakes and hugs? What happens when that's not enough? You come out of the closet! What? For such a fine man, you're so damn limited.
It's a burden, but I cope.
How 'bout a breath mint, dude? You know, you been throwing up all morning.
Yeah, what's your excuse? So you just fire her just like that? No second chance, no-- Yeah, well, she's a dirty little slut! Hey! Lizzie is many things.
"Dirty little slut" certainly isn't one of them.
Who swims naked in a pool when the man of the house is home? She was hot! She thought she was alone! Why are you defending her so much? Because she's great with our son! Yo! I'm done.
Did my best.
You're up, Marcy.
I fucking hate not having a nanny! What about you, big-time movie producer? You have no say in this? Charlie, I've produced movies.
Big, small.
I've run two studios.
I have managed the egos of some of the greatest movie stars in the world, but I cannot boss this woman around.
She rules the roost.
Which is just a fancy way of saying you're fucking pussy-whipped.
Precisely.
Besides, there was something weird about it.
What? The thing with Lizzie.
What do you mean? I mean, there was a strange vibe.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Beggs.
Stuart's asleep.
I thought that no one was home.
No need to apologize, and call me Stu! You have a magnificent body! Thank you! Do you think I have what it takes to be an actress? Yes.
I don't see Lizzie as the kind of girl to just throw herself at some creepy old married guy.
Runkle I know I am not a handsome man, but I am a very successful man.
I know what it's like to be hit on by pretty young things who want something from me.
Must be nice.
Wish I did.
Whew! Do not go in there for at least 24 hours.
Okay.
Hey, look at that.
That's neat.
- Thank you.
- Can I play with it? No! Please don't touch-- - Do you have matchbox cars? - No! I have a pitch to a client tomorrow.
How's Batesy? He's asleep, you know, sleeping it off upstairs.
How are you? Well, what can I do? I mean, he's going through a crisis, you know? If I--if I throw him out, if I leave, then it's just gonna get worse, right? So that's it? You're just gonna stand by your man? That's what I do.
Thanks for bringing him home, by the way.
It's my pleasure, and I--and I wanna apologize for that weirdness this morning.
You know I love spending any amount of time with you, however chaste.
Could you get it? It's probably just Tyler.
Oh, fabulous.
Stop it.
C-could you say sorry? - I did! - No, again, like you mean it.
- Oh! - What the fuck, stripper? I found this on the bedroom floor, and I thought that maybe he'd want it back! Have you no shame? He's a married man! Oh, so what? I didn't come here to tell his wife that he bangs strippers on the side.
He doesn't bang strippers on the side.
He's got a drinking problem is all--a little one.
Oh, I'll say.
Guy's a fuckin' lunatic.
He wanted me to shove a dildo up his ass and jerk him off at the same time.
Oh! Come on! - What is that called again? - Painful? - No, the digging to China? - Against God? The fi--th-th-the fire hose.
- N-n-n-no.
The bazooka.
- Wow.
No, no, no, the shotgun.
That's what-- Okay.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I got so much crazy shit goin' on up here.
I'll say.
Well, so, I'm here with his wallet.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Hand it over, stripper.
Be on your way.
No finder's fee? What, is everything tip-based with you people? There you go.
Not much room there.
Mm-hmm.
It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Hank.
How do I know you didn't take anything out of his wallet? Well, I'm not a fuckin' thief, you asshole.
Jesus.
You know, no good deed goes unpunished in this town.
Yes, that's right.
You're a regular girl scout, aren't ya? - What's your part in all this? - What do you mean? Well, he's married.
He lives in the big house behind the white picket fence, so who the fuck are you? His gay lover? If you must know, his wife is my baby mama.
Come here.
Who's that? My girlfriend.
- Holly.
- Holly.
- Holly! - Yeah.
- Karen.
- Karen.
It's so nice to meet you, Holly.
Um, well, you guys wanna come in, or-- No, no, she's just meeting me here.
We're going hiking.
You hike? Oh, yeah! Of course I do.
I love it.
Love it.
Where? Um, gonna go up, uh, ManderHoff Canyon.
- I haven't heard of that.
- Me neither! Well, th-that's why I like it! It's less crowded.
Road less traveled and whatnot.
You gotta watch out for the snakes, though.
You know what, Karen? I would love to come inside.
- No, no.
- You have a beautiful home.
Thank you, Holly.
Please come in.
Welcome.
Is she a stripper? No, she's just workin' her way through school.
Don't be so fuckin' judgmental, Karen.
God.
- Jesus! - Charlie! That was a long fucking shower! I'm so sorry.
I dozed off.
I was upset, and I sat on the couch for a second, and before I knew it, two hours had gone by.
It's okay.
I just-- I-I got scared.
Now, I'm delighted.
I'm just really out of sorts.
I've just lost another job, and I spent all this money on acting classes.
Acting classes? What happened to writing children's books? Wh-wh-what happened to going to cooking school? I told you.
I change my mind all the time.
I haven't found myself yet.
Besides, Stu said he thinks I might have what it takes to be an actress.
Well, you certainly got the beauty part down pat.
You're so sweet to me, Charlie.
What can I say, you, uh, summon the sweetness in me.
As well as some other stuff.
Yes, I can tell.
Well, guess what.
What? I don't work for Stu and Marcy anymore.
I know.
You told me.
So, this whole thing isn't quite as inappropriate as it once was.
I guess it's not.
So I guess it wouldn't be inappropriate to do this.
Not at all.
Just like it's not inappropriate to do this.
- So, Holly, y-you're a dancer.
- Yeah.
Oh, actually, Karen, no.
I am a stripper.
And I'm a realist.
It's like, do you go to the cinema, or do you go to the movies? I don't know about you, but I go to the fuckin' movies.
- Right.
- How 'bout you, handsome? Huh? You like strippers? Or dancers? Oh, strip-- dancers.
You're fuckin' hot, dude.
You in a band? Kind of a boyfriend-girlfriend thing goin' on-- No, I'm not in a band, but I do play some guitar.
Ooh, guitarists are the best! So good with their fuckin' hands! Right? They know how to find the spot.
Right, baby? And then that guitar, up on stage, it's like this pulsing member, and they're just workin' it, and workin' it, and workin' it.
I mean, you know what I'm talking about.
Right, honey? I don't wanna know if she knows what you're talking about.
Am I gonna have to get used to this one, dad? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not very domesticated.
Yeah, just don't pee on the rug.
Oh, I did that once! At Vince Neil's house, I was so drunk, I just squatted on the floor, and I peed everywhere.
He thought it was hot.
That's nice.
So, where'd you guys meet? Oh, backstage at a Motley show.
I had to wrap my lips around the tour manager.
- It was totally worth it.
- I think she means us.
Oh, right.
Right.
Um-- - Trader Joe's.
- Yeah.
He was handling the melons! No.
So, you two used to be a couple, right? And this is your little girl.
So now, when does Bates enter the picture? How do you know Richard? She doesn't.
I just told her about him.
Why? 'Cause he's such a fuckin' character, Karen.
That's why.
Totally.
- I mean, from what I've heard.
- Yeah.
So, um, anyone want another drink? I do! - I'll give you a hand, mom.
- Thanks, sweetie.
I'm gonna come with you guys.
I need to use the ladies' room.
I gotta pee like a fuckin' racehorse.
Way to go, Hank.
Really nice girl you got yourself there.
Class up the wazoo.
Shut up.
Yeah, whatever, look.
What I wanna know is Did Bates fuck that chick or something? What? You're talking about my girlfriend.
Oh, bullshit.
That chick is not your type.
What the fuck do you know about my type? I know your type, and she's inside.
And she's not the one pissing "like a fuckin' racehorse.
" My question is, why are you working so very hard to protect her from the truth? Well, maybe she's been through enough, all right? Okay, yeah, but maybe she and Bates don't make it, and then you've got yourself another shot at the good life.
Mind your business, son.
And don't think I haven't entertained that very notion.
But my strict moral code prohibits me - Fair enough.
- Acting on it.
Mm-hmm.
I've been meaning to ask you Would you do a favor for me? No.
No? That quick? Really? What? Will you read my screenplay? Fuck you.
Okay.
Well, just so you know I don't have the same strict moral code that you do, Hank.
- I give it ten pages.
- Thank you.
Thatwas exquisite! Best sex of my life! Did you see how long I lasted? Huh? Oh, no.
No, n You're crying.
Of course you're crying.
I dirtied you.
I'm so sorry.
I just don't know what I'm going to do now.
F-- Hello? Have you talked to Lizzie? No.
Well, I left her a bunch of messages, and she's not calling me back.
Why should she? You fired her for no fucking reason.
Okay, so I'm hiring her back, because Stuart's a little fuckin' nightmare, and she's got the magic touch.
She certainly does.
Well, if I see her, I will let her know.
Thanks.
Hey, you wouldn't wanna come over here and see if you could put Stuart down, would you-- Hello? - Guess what.
- What? Looks like someone got you your job back.
Thank you, Charlie.
I guess this isn't quite so appropriate anymore? Well, I haven't officially accepted the position yet.
- Ah.
- Uh-huh.
Well, she loves my cock loves my cock Come on, girls, unleash your inner whores.
I know they're in there.
Come on.
Like this.
Come on, roll your hips.
You know-- Did you put something in my drink? Well, if I did, I got some in mine, too.
That's for sure.
The pole, right.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Come on, tall boy.
UhOh! Yes.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- All right, all right.
- Hey! Hey.
Hey! What are you doing? What the fuck? Hey! Hey, hey! Ow! - Get out! Get out! - Hey! You come to my home? You lay hands on my woman? How fucking dare you? You psycho slut from hell! Batesy, Batesy! She's with me! This is my girlfriend.
Holly.
It's nice to meet you, Holly.
I'll be upstairs.
How can I help? You can take your tramp, and you can get the fuck out of my house! Oh! Who's she calling a tramp, huh? Pretty sure she means you.
This is all your fault.
Everything you fucking touch turns to shit! I know this is probably none of my business, but I don't think this is Hank's fault.
- Shut up! - Shut up! Shutting up.
Oh, no, no.
It is my fault.
It's always my fault.
How can I be of service? All right.
Let's go, tramp.
I'll get you that screenplay, Hank.
Yeah, can't wait.
Becca, let this be a lesson to you.
Stay off the pole.
You think this is funny? Do you see anyone laughing? I'm so sick and tired of you showing up out of nowhere and fucking with our lives.
Like somehow you know better.
You make a mess, and then you waltz off, like you've done something noble.
But we have to clean up after you! Let this be a lesson to you, dad.
Stay the fuck away.
I like you much better when you're in New York.
Whoo! Chick's got fuckin' balls, huh? Thanks for the hospitality, bitches! Mm-hmm.
You all right? Wanna get a drink? Sure, why not? Cool, let's hit the 'bow.
- The rainbow? - Mm-hmm.
I went there once with a guy named Lew Ashby.
You ever heard of him? Hear of him? Sucked his dick more times than I can count.
Ooh! You have a Porsche, huh? Very, very hot.
That makes mama wet.
Holy shit, this is my favorite song! Check it out.
Watch this.
And here I go again on my own going down the only road I've ever known like a drifter I was born to walk alone and I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time