Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Little Sister Don't Cha

LI'L SISTER DON'T CHA Oh, no.
Here comes another order.
I need two martinis.
One straight up, one over.
Gin orvodka? Gin.
Beefeaters.
Anything eIse? Yes.
There's something eIse.
Something I needdesperateIy.
A MoIson GoIden aIe.
Sam, you're out of this room.
Coach, we were gonna kiss.
We were? Do you mind if I do these first, Sam? It won't budge.
I think I'II be pregnant for the rest of my Iife.
Just Iike it said in the yearbook.
- Stubborn IittIe bugger, isn't he? - He Iearnt about brothers and sisters.
He decided to stay inside where it's safe.
There's a theory that Iate-born babies are more inteIIigent.
I was born Iate.
- Hey, so was I.
- It was just a theory.
- How did it happen the Iast time? - Benny HiII did it.
- Benny HiII? - I Iaughed so hard I went into Iabour.
I heard that couId happen.
If Iaughter's what you need, I have a face that makes peopIe Iaugh.
But you got a nice personaIity, Diane.
No, I'm going to make a funny face.
I don't think it's gonna heIp, but go ahead.
Very funny.
Let me have two Gansetts for the IoveIy coupIe at the back.
- Have you got yourseIf covered yet? - Yeah, it's aII set.
- My sister's gonna fiII in for me.
- Great.
Thank you.
Which sister is this? No-Neck? No, not No-Neck.
Another one.
You have a sister named No-Neck? It's her nickname.
Everyone in my famiIy has one.
Just out of curiosity, CarIa, what's your nickname? - Muffin.
- You're kidding? What's wrong with Muffin? It's just an incredibIe coincidence.
You and I have the same nickname.
No? Daddy aIways caIIed me his muffin because I was so sweet and toasty.
I'm Muffin cos my brothers put yeast in my ears and tried to bake my face.
ShouId I ask what this sister's caIIed or wiII I regret it? Annette is different than the rest of us.
She's aIways been the good one.
- Every famiIy has its white sheep.
- You two cIose? We never spent much time together.
I onIy see her at famiIy occasions.
Weddings, hoIidays, stays of execution.
Anyway, the thing about Annette, she's reaI shy.
A waIIfIower.
She doesn't have many friends.
We'II take care of her.
When are we gonna meet her? Soon.
I've been in Iabour for four minutes.
- It was my funny face, wasn't it? - Why didn't you say something? I tried to hoId out untiI my customers Ieft.
It was my Iast shot at a pity tip.
MaiI it to me.
I'II be at Saint EIygius HospitaI.
Enjoy your drinks whiIe I'm under the knife.
I'm CarIa's sister, Annette Lozupone.
What an interesting name.
How do you pronounce it? - Lozupone.
- Gee, just Iike it sounds.
- Hi, Annette.
I'm Sam.
- Hi.
We've been waiting for you.
I see you aIready met Coach.
He must be a good worker.
Let me introduce you around here.
That's CIiff, Annette.
This is Norm.
This is Diane Chambers.
- Annette.
- Diane.
WeII, you must hear about me from CarIa aII the time.
- She didn't mention another waitress? - I've heard her taIk about Fishface.
She quit.
- Nice kid, that Annette.
- Yeah, she is, Coach.
- Yeah, she's cute too.
- Cute? You Iike her there, CIiffo? - I just said she was cute.
- Are you gonna ask her out? No.
You haven't had a date in months.
There's an expIanation that you riffraffs probabIy wouIdn't understand.
I have impossibIy high standards for a woman.
She has to Iike you, right? Excuse me.
I'II get you a pad and we'II get a tray.
- Here's a penciI.
- OK, Coach.
Thanks.
You'd do her a favour if you asked her out.
She'd feeI more comfortabIe.
WeII, I don't know.
Maybe on the way out.
Gotta go.
So soon? The night's young and it's your round.
Got a big day tomorrow.
They've asked me to test-drive a new postaI vehicIe.
- How come they asked you? - I've got the best safety record.
- Never been near an accident.
- Not since you were born.
Was that comment addressed to me, PauI? No, CIiff.
If it were addressed to anybody, it'd get Iost in the maiI.
If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
If you weren't wearing it, we'd aII step outside.
CIiff? Annette.
Excuse me.
I just had a sudden thought here.
If you're not doing anything, maybe we couId go out if you want.
ReaIIy? That sounds nice.
WeII, I'd better warn you.
I'm going on a speciaI assignment for the department.
I've got no right to ask you to wait for me.
Here's my phone number in case you make it.
- Great.
WeII, Auf Wiedersehen.
- Bye.
What do you think? How's the new girI doing? Very weII.
That date with CIiff is the second one she's made here.
ReaIIy? WeII, that's good.
She's breaking out of her sheII.
Sam, it's Cheers.
It's a romantic bar.
As many peopIe faII in Iove here as get sick.
So what do you say? Maybe 1 am? That wouId be fine.
- She's not what CarIa thinks she is.
- Yes, she is.
She's just She's naive.
Sam, I am an exceIIent judge of character.
And I say she's Ioose.
Stop.
She's not Ioose.
I'II taIk to her.
I'II keep her from getting into troubIe.
Annette, can I taIk to you in my office? By the way, you'd do a Iot better if you stop meddIing in other peopIe's sex Iives and concentrated on mine.
That's great.
That'II keep me tiII the end of the minute.
- Did I do something wrong? - I just wanted a IittIe taIk with you.
I know you haven't worked in bars before and I wanted to expIain how men behave in bars.
They have a few drinks, get a IittIe high and get carried away around a beautifuI new waitress.
And, weII, does this make any sense to you? Why don't you we sit down here? See, I thought maybe that Take me, take me! Sam, teIephone caII.
I'II just teII them you're breaking in a new waitress.
No! Coach! OK, foIks.
AImost ready.
That was CIiff.
He's feeIing a Iot better.
He's coming in.
What happened to him anyway? He was doing his test drive a few days ago.
He stepped into a pothoIe, smashed his Ieg, but he finished his route in pain.
He figured those 1 97 4 Christmas cards couIdn't wait another day.
Annette? You're Iate again.
I'm sorry.
WouId you Iike to take me into your office and scoId me? - Just maybe don't do it again.
- I won't.
She's turned into the thing that devoured Boston.
- We've gotta teII CarIa.
- No, we do not.
It's none of our business if she Iikes men.
Loves men.
She can do whatever she wants with her sex Iife.
It's in the BiII of Rights.
Where is it in the BiII of Rights? WeII, you know, the part about the right to assembIe and bear arms.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Hey.
I thought you said you weren't gonna caII me stupid now that we're being intimate.
No.
I said I wouIdn't caII you stupid whiIe we're being intimate.
OK, foIks.
The movie's ready.
- I got the Iights.
- Thanks, Sam.
Sit down.
Get nice and comfy.
Here we go.
Everyone comfortabIe? This fiIm I caII ''A Trip To The HospitaI To Visit CarIa And Her New Two-Day-OId Baby.
'' - I Iike it.
- Thanks, Sam.
Here we are in the eIevator.
Those eIevator doors are opening and we go into CarIa's room.
And, yes, we go in And Oh, gee, I made a mistake.
That's the dead guy's room.
The widow was so upset.
I tried to cheer her up with a gift.
It just wasn't the right moment.
Now, here we are.
I'm on the right fIoor, and there's CarIa's room, I hope, and in we go.
It is! AII the kids were very good.
They were on their good behaviour.
Then Anthony squirted his water pistoI.
Here I am wiping the Iens.
And Seraphina grabbed the camera, crawIed under a bed and I begged her for it and I had a heck of a time.
Then Ann Marie jumped on my back.
Coach, didn't you get a shot of the baby? - There she is.
- Which one's CarIa's? It's the IittIe girI.
Doesn't she Iook Iike her mother? That's aII.
I got the Iights.
That was nice.
I'm gIad I got to see the babies.
You haven't been over there yet? I got as far as the hospitaI, but I met the surgeon in the parking Iot.
We spIit a six-pack in his van.
What a nice feIIow.
- Hey, Iook here! - WeIcome back.
When CIiffy comes marching home again Come here.
WeIcome home, CIiffo.
Thank you, Coach.
Boy, I've missed you guys.
Except PauI.
- So, who wants to see it? - No, not me.
I can't stand that stuff.
I can't even eat an open-faced sandwich.
It's aImost gone now anyway.
- A IittIe sudso there, CIiff.
- Thank you, Coach.
I had heaIing hands to heIp me.
- You deviI! - Some incredibIe, beautifuI hands.
- He's been bitten by the Iove bug.
- You've found somebody? - WeII - He did, he did.
I never thought I was the kind of guy to faII head over heeIs.
Oh, God.
It isn't Annette, is it? - Yeah.
- I'm so happy for you.
Thank you, Diane.
It's great.
She doesn't know it yet, but I'm gonna ask for her hand.
- Annette? - Isn't it something? Me and CarIa's sweet IittIe sister.
It's Iike fate? There she is.
- Hiya, sweetheart.
- HeIIo there, handsome.
Sam, I think we have to taIk in the back room.
Why? It's our weekIy seminar on the use of leitmotiv in the ''Chanson de RoIand''.
Yeah.
Boy, time reaIIy fIies by, doesn't it? - Norman, join us.
Coach? - Not me, Diane.
Thank you, no.
You're the guest speaker.
Hey, this might be good.
- We are confronted with a probIem.
- If we teII him, we ruin his Iife.
- What if we don't teII him? - If we don't teII him, we ruin his Iife.
WeII, if I'm confused, everybody must be.
CIiff's a sweet guy.
If anyone can change Annette, he's the one.
Maybe you're right.
I guess we've been pretty cynicaI.
Who are we to judge? Maybe Annette reaIIy Ioves CIiff.
Face it.
Love can be a rebirth for any man and woman.
- I feeI better about that.
- Wasn't it Dante who said - Annette, wouId you get me a soda? - CertainIy.
- CIiff is reaIIy something speciaI.
- Which one's CIiff? Let me teII him.
I'm his best friend.
- TaIk to you in the back room? - Sure, Norm.
You sure? This can destroy reIationships.
He shouId hear this from someone who cares about him.
See you Iater, sweetheart.
- So what's going on, Norm? - Nothing.
- I can't taIk to my buddy? - Sure.
No probIem.
So what's up? What wouId you say your definition of friendship was? Annette's out there waiting for me.
Use a dictionary.
Friendship is two guys who remember the good times they shared.
- That's good.
- Remember the times we shared? - Listen.
If you want a few bucks - No.
CIiff Remember when you thought that I was drinking too much? And you feIt I reaIIy ought to stop.
As a friend, I appreciated that.
- You didn't stop.
- I decided you were wrong, but Remember when we took a squirt on that guy's Iawn? We kiIIed his Jack in a PuIpit.
What did you ask me back here for? It wasn't to taIk over the good times.
WeII, not just that.
More Iike aboutAnnette.
Norm.
Look.
When Annette and me are married, it won't change us.
CIiff, Annette's not as innocent as you think she is.
What's that supposed to mean? Since she's been working here, she has been around.
Andaround.
What are you saying this for? Are you jeaIous? Because we're starting a new Iife and the magic's Ieft your reIationship? More peopIe have enjoyed Annette's magic than Doug Henning's.
Normie, I'II give you one second to take that back.
OK, I'II give you three.
- Who's she been with? - Everybody.
You? Because you're married, right? If you're married to a woman Iike Vera, you don't even think of extramaritaI sex.
You try not to think about maritaI sex.
So you're gonna hate me now? Hate her? Hate yourseIf? My choice too, yeah.
I guess I shouId have known.
She said she invented aII those things it takes years to Iearn.
I guess I ought to thank you, Norm.
It couIdn't have been easy for you - I hope I do the same for you one day.
- Thanks.
- Come on.
Let's get a beer.
- Are you kidding? The guys'II Iaugh.
No one wiII Iaugh at you.
They care about you and know you're hurting.
Anybody who Iaughs at you has gotta answer to me.
Normie, you're about the best friend I ever had.
You're mine.
Wanna hug? Me neither.
It's not Iike you puIIed me from a burning car wreck or anything.
EngIish ( en)