Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Homicidal Ham

HOMICIDAL HAM - Hiya, Sam.
- Hey, CarIa.
- Did you just get pregnant? - No.
I couId, but this is just stuffing.
- Why? - I'm a IittIe short and my rent is due.
And pregnant women get better tips.
It's dishonest, Sam.
You shouId teII her to get rid of it.
I can't do that.
She's CathoIic.
Watch it.
I'm in a famiIy way here.
The kid's going to be a swimmer.
WouId you Iook at that? Some idiot carved his initiaIs on my bar.
It's his initiaIs and his girIfriend's.
It's sweet.
No, it's not sweet.
It's destructive.
I mean, who did that? SM pIus DC.
- I think it's romantic.
- No, it's not romantic.
It's stupid.
If you want romantic, we couId have our buns tattooed.
Worth a shot.
I'm just going to run a tab for you.
Excuse me.
May I speak with you for a moment, pIease? Don't you recognise that man? The ex-convict you paid to date me.
He murdered a waitress and fantasises his hands are cIaws.
Oh, yeah.
How do you happen to remember him? Of course I recognise him.
His name is Andy.
So what? So what is he doing here? I don't know.
He probabIy came in for a drink.
As soon as you hang a sign out that says ''bar'', you start getting that.
Sam, you have to get rid of that kiIIer.
He's dangerous.
Look at him.
Does he Iook dangerous to you? - Not at the moment - He's a customer.
That's aII.
He has every right to be here.
Now, don't worry.
If he starts anything, I know how to handIe him.
- Hey, Andy, isn't it? - That's right.
- And you're Sam.
- Correct.
What'II you have, Andy? Everything in the cash register, Sam.
Freeze! Everybody just take it easy here.
I'II - No.
Let the other guy get it.
- Ernie Pantusso.
CaII me Coach.
- We've gotta heIp Sammy.
- What can we do? Maybe we can jump the guy.
He's not that big.
The gun is big.
The gun's definiteIy big.
Maybe Diane couId run in circIes, fIapping her arms, and draw his fire.
Stay out of this.
Me and Norm wiII handIe it.
- What do you want me to do? - We gotta do something.
Trust me.
Statistics show 33% of the time a guy wiII not use a gun if chaIIenged.
- So? - If he's shot two peopIe, you're in Iuck.
Hey, foIks.
I hope no one's going to try anything siIIy here.
Take it easy.
No one's going to overpower you.
It's not worth it.
Not even if I was a IittIe careIess and Iet the gun drop onto the bar Iike that.
Maybe Iet my attention wander round the room a IittIe bit.
Now! - It's OK.
CarIa's got him.
- Lucky for him.
OK, Sam.
You got me.
- Watch where you point it.
- It isn't Ioaded.
It isn't? It isn't! CIiffy, suppose this IittIe trickIe here's noticeabIe? WouId you come here and watch him? I'II see if the poIice answer their phone.
Good.
I want to go back to prison.
- I can't make it on the outside.
- Have you reaIIy tried? I've been beating my brains out.
No one wiII give me a break.
- No one wiII hire me.
No one trusts me.
- What are your skiIIs? I have no skiIIs.
I'm worthIess.
Don't you have any ambitions, any dreams? - You'd Iaugh if I toId you.
- No, we won't.
I'd Iove to be an actor.
God bIess you, CIiff.
I did a IittIe acting in high schooI.
I think I was pretty good.
At Ieast it was an escape from so many things.
So go and be an actor.
Why beIIyache to us? Fat chance.
Nobody wiII even give me a Iook.
I'm going back where I beIong, out of everybody's way.
Prison is my home.
- The cops are on their way.
- TeII them not to come.
Go it.
What? Why? Why am I doing that? When Andy shoved that gun in your face, he was asking for heIp.
SiIIy me.
I thought he was asking for money.
He stands here as an embodiment of the faiIure of our penaI system.
This man doesn't beIong in prison.
We, mostIy I, can save this man's Iife.
WeII, how are we, mostIy you, going to do that? Never mind that now.
CaII off les gendarmes.
Trust me.
What are you going to do now, Diane? WeII, I happen to know Professor Sebastian DeWitt, America's foremost drama coach.
He can spot an actor a miIe away.
That couId come in handy at a drive-in.
- OK, I caIIed the cops off.
- ExceIIent.
Andrew, Iisten to me.
Now, you want to be an actor.
I have experience as a director in schooI.
We're going to do a scene Later, Sam.
Now, if I think you're good enough, a very big if, but if you are, I wiII arrange for Professor DeWitt to see you perform.
He has contacts at every theatre on the Cape.
I never expected this when I came in here to stick up your bar.
You know the oId saying.
Use a gun, go to Cape Cod.
Why are you doing this for me after our Iast experience? WeII, I understand what peopIe in the acting worId go through.
I did a bit of acting myseIf in coIIege.
ReaIIy? You couId be in my scene.
Were you good? WeII, I don't Iike to brag, but a Iot of peopIe Iove my work.
At Bennington, they stiII taIk about my Tiny AIice.
Who wants a girI with a big AIice? I know a book store that speciaIises in theatricaI books.
Let's pick up some pIays.
Sam, may I have haIf an hour off? You're right.
I need an hour.
Diane, can I taIk to you here for a second, pIease? Excuse me.
You thought he was Jack the Ripper.
Now you're going browsing with him? Now I know him.
Sam, Iook at him.
Does he Iook Iike a dangerous person? - He has done time.
- He made one smaII mistake.
He made a big one.
He's a murderer, Diane.
One murder does not a murderer make.
OK, what I mean is, he's not a murderer at heart.
Anyone who Ioves the theatre Ioves mankind.
I don't think somebody shouId go out with a crazy person.
- I can take care of myseIf.
- I was taIking about me.
Hie, thee, Andrew.
Let us away.
I sense you are uneasy about your empIoyee being in danger with me.
My crime occurred a Iong time ago.
I was a different person then.
I had one terribIe moment of temporary insanity.
I'm much better now.
I'm much heaIthier.
I can't remember the Iast time I heard those voices.
WeII, I'm gIad.
What voices? Those shriII voices that used to sound Iike my mummy.
I'm gIad you got it Iicked.
- Sam, pIease.
ReIax.
I'm better now.
- Come aIong, Andrew.
You thought But it wasn't A hard Ieft covered by two quick jabs.
Another Ieft.
He stepped into that one.
A Ieft jab.
A Ieft upper cut.
An overhead right across the forehead, as they go into the corner.
- And that's the end of round six.
- It's beer time, Sammy.
Step right up, Iadies and gentIemen.
Good hands.
Keep moving.
Here we go.
SIow it down.
We onIy got That's it.
Good hands.
Here we go.
There we go.
AII right.
Come on.
Move aIong there.
Come on.
We got three Ieft.
We got two Ieft.
Sammy, what does a guy have to do to get a beer round here? This is the best middIeweight contest we've seen in a Iong time.
Who wouId want to miss this? AII right, boys, off, off.
Andy and I can't hear ourseIves rehearsing back there.
Professor DeWitt wiII be here any minute.
I hope she's showing you one heII of a good time.
Don't be nervous.
You'II be wonderfuI.
I'm not nervous.
It's just this week has gone by so quickIy.
It's been the best week of my Iife.
- Miss Chambers.
- Professor, how good of you to come.
This is Andrew Schroeder, a young man who is going to surprise you.
I hope so.
When the theatre Ioses its power to surprise, it Ioses vitaIity.
- What first? - A scene from ''OtheIIo''.
ChaIIenging.
It's certainIy nice to see you again.
I couId never picture you as a waitress.
You forget I pIayed a waitress in your production of ''Bus Stop''.
Yes, I know.
Have fun.
Break a Ieg.
- I can't beIieve you did this for me.
- You deserve it.
You're taIented and sensitive.
You have a Iot of depth.
- You know me so weII.
- I'm a pretty good judge of peopIe.
You are.
You're wonderfuI.
- I Iove you, Diane.
- I Iove you, too.
You guys about ready? Crowd's getting restIess.
If they don't hear some EIizabethan coupIets soon, they'II turn ugIy.
I'd better get into costume.
Excuse me.
AII right.
Listen up.
You were right about Andy.
I was wrong.
He's been a compIete angeI aII week.
My objections were stupid.
- Are you satisfied? - Of course.
Put it in writing and we'II be fine.
Fat chance.
Sorry I haven't been around much this week, but it was important to heIp Andy.
It's been kind of tough.
WeII, Iater, when we're aIone, - I'II make it up to you at my apartment.
- What time tonight? Let's get the show on the road.
Good Iuck.
- Andy, what's the matter? - You kissed him.
I saw you.
That's aII right.
I guess it's no secret here.
Sam and I have sort of a thing going.
But I Iove youand you said you Iove me.
Oh, dear.
No, I was speaking as a friend, Andy.
If I gave you any other impression, I'm sorry.
ReaIIy sorry.
I do Iove you, as a friend.
OK? Sure.
- You're not upset? - No.
- You're not angry with me? - That's OK.
I'II use it in my performance.
''Yet she must die ''eIse she betray more men.
'' WonderfuI.
That was perfect.
''Put out the Iight ''and then put out the Iight.
'' Andy, it's time.
Are you ready? Show foIk.
Good evening, everyone, and weIcome to taIent night at Cheers.
This evening we begin with a scene from WiIIiam Shakespeare's ''OtheIIo''.
I don't have to expIain the pIay to Professor DeWitt.
But it might be heIpfuI to some of you if I expIain what you are about to see.
I wonder who she's taIking about, Norm.
In this pIay, Andrew Schroeder, my discovery, wiII enact the roIe of OtheIIo.
Go, Andy! This is the story of a man, driven by insane jeaIousy, to murder the woman he Ioves because he beIieves she Ioves another man.
The scene we are about to do is the scene in which OtheIIo actuaIIy kiIIs said woman, who wiII be portrayed by myseIf.
Did I mention that I'm pIaying Desdemona? OK, so without further ado, the strang the stranguIation scene.
But before we do, Iet's have a IittIe background on the 1 6th Century.
Come on, Diane.
No more background.
Let's have the scene.
- Don't worry.
Let me give you a kiss.
- Don't touch me.
I bareIy know you! AII right.
On with the pIay.
In this scene, Desdemona is in bed, when OtheIIo comes in, thinking, very mistakenIy, I can assure you He's compIeteIy off-base on this one.
He'II be sick about it in the morning.
Thinking that she has been unfaithfuI to him.
Which, of course, she hasn't.
It is the cause.
It is the cause, my souI.
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars.
It is the cause.
Yet I'II not shed her bIood, nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow.
There.
Good.
WeII, it's agreed.
No bIood, no scarring, the gist of our scene.
Oh, come on, Diane! - What's wrong with Diane tonight? - She got stage fright.
Diane, the sooner you start, the sooner you'II be finished.
Who's there? OtheIIo? Aye, Desdemona.
WiII you come to bed, my Iord? Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona? I wouId not kiII thy unprepared spirit.
TaIk TaIk you of kiIIing? Aye.
I do.
He's convincing.
There's a reaI murderous intensity about him.
Then heaven have mercy on me.
Think on thy sins.
- Are you sure she's OK? - Sure.
She's just acting.
- ShouIdn't you make sure? - Imagine what she'd say if I butted in.
Take heed of perjury.
Thou art on thy deathbed! I Iove it! A Desdemona that fights back! HeIp! This psycho's trying to kiII me! That's the onIy Iine of Shakespeare I ever understood.
I saw you kissing Sam! Kissing Sam? - Someone heIp me, wiII you? - Mummy! I'II cIean up my room, Mummy! What time's the second show? I hope you fry for this.
Are you going to be OK? - I'm having a IittIe troubIe breathing.
- No, I meant for tonight.
EngIish ( en)