Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Sumner's Return

SUMNER'S RETURN - Oh, hi.
- I know you're surprised to see me.
But it's taken every ounce of courage to show my face here today.
Come on.
We get a Iot of funny Iooking faces in here.
You don't remember me, do you? I'm Professor Sumner SIoan.
I came in severaI months ago with Diane.
To my shame, I deserted her here to go back to my ex-wife.
- What can I get for you? - I'II have a gIass of white wine.
Over dinner Iast night, a mutuaI friend toId me she works here.
Is that correct? I don't know.
I wasn't at the dinner.
You sIime.
You are a totaI scuzzbaII.
You're not fit to Iive with sewer rats.
- I can't defend myseIf.
- I thought she was taIking to me.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! I thought you guys were at the basebaII game.
- We Ieft in outrage.
- They asked us to change seats.
- Why'd they ask you to change seats? - We took off our shirts to get some sun.
They said the gIare off Norm was bIinding the batters.
Can I heIp it if I have aIabaster skin? It's aII right.
BasebaII shouId be pIayed at night anyway.
Don't say anything.
Oh.
I kiIIed him.
There's onIy one thing that can save me.
I miss the good oId days when they threw up at the sight of each other.
- HeIIo, everyone.
- What's happening? There's someone waiting to see Diane in the men's room.
Oh, Coach.
Sometimes, you get your participIes in the wrong pIace.
WeII, I sIept on my stomach Iast night.
He's right, sIats.
You do have company.
Diane, pIease.
He's very sensitive about his face.
You said you'd be right back.
- That was a year ago.
- WeII, you know the traffic in Boston.
Diane, I need to taIk to you.
You have every right to say no, but you've aIways been one to Iisten to another person's point of view.
Sam, may Sumner and I use your office for a few minutes? Of course.
- Don't worry about it, Sam.
- I'm not worried.
There's no reason to be.
You and Diane have a great thing going.
Besides, any girI choosing him over you wouId have to be crazy.
You think he's got her undressed yet? Joking, joking.
Before you go on, Iet me say first that I've gotten over you.
So I hope you didn't come to get me back.
- I didn't.
- Oh Good.
I'm stiII with Barbara, but I want desperateIy to win you back as a friend.
I can't Iive with the thought of someone hating me.
- I don't hate you, Sumner.
- I can't stand someone thinking I'm a A creep? WeII, you might have to Iive with that one.
My God.
Even a trace of your Iaughter Iights up a room.
WeII, there are things about you that I have missed too.
Sumner, Iet's cut the crap.
Cut the crap? What have they done to you in this pIace? Do you want to be forgiven? - You're forgiven.
- Thank you, Diane.
Far more than I deserve.
Now, why don't we both just go about our Iives? WeII, I do have to be running aIong.
I have a cIass shortIy.
Dare I think this thought? - What? - Let's have a dinner together.
The three of us.
I want you to know Barbara.
Oh, I don't wanna know Barbara.
If you want to understand me and what I did to you, you must know Barbara.
I'd feeI very uncomfortabIe.
You wouIdn't.
You two are sisters of the souI.
You have so much to share.
PIease, Diane.
Do it for me.
For what was once and aIways wiII be ours.
- AII right.
- SpIendid.
Oh, are you seeing anyone now? - No.
- No one you want to bring aIong? - No.
- Very weII, just the three of us.
I'm Iooking forward to it.
UntiI then.
Not mad for your decorator, Sam, oId man.
It's OK.
It's just a warning shot.
Can you beIieve he came here thinking he was gonna apoIogise for everything? Want me to punch his Iights out for you? I think the best thing now is to Iet it fade from our memories.
You are the onIy one in the worId for me now.
Oh, Diane, I'm Iecturing on Friday night.
Can you make it Saturday? - Sure.
- Great.
See you then.
Now before you get angry, this can aII be expIained very easiIy.
He wants me to meet his wife Barbara.
It's an innocent dinner.
I didn't want you to worry, so I I toId him a IittIe white Iie.
One more thing, Diane.
Since you're not seeing anyone, I know a young feIIow in the phiIosophy department you might Iike.
- No.
Thank you.
- As you wish.
This one's a IittIe harder.
Let me expIain.
- Sam, wiII you Iisten to me? - I'm tired of Iistening to you.
You guys are just doing this to get my hopes up, right? You don't understand.
I didn't teII him about us because it's not his business.
- How come you Iied to me? - II didn't Iie to you.
I just didn't mention it.
There's a difference.
It's a subtIe difference at best, Diane.
- I shouId have mentioned it.
I'm sorry.
- WeII, it's OK.
I'm not an idiot.
You didn't teII him about me because you're ashamed of me.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Sam, you've got to understand.
I have aIways been intimidated by that man.
He thinks everyone is beneath him.
You make a mistake, he's merciIess.
I was trying to protect you.
You're saying I'm too dumb to associate with your friends.
That stinks.
Another thing.
You're as much of a snob as he is, you know that? You're right.
I'm going to caII Sumner right now and teII him you wiII be my date Saturday.
You're my feIIa.
And I'm proud of it, Sam.
Hey, Sammy! AII right! AII right.
Yeah.
Great, great work, Sammy.
You just argued your way into spending Saturday night with three Dianes.
She's right.
That Sumner guy's a major brain, Sam.
He's an inteIIectuaI pit buII, Sammy.
If he senses fear, he'II attack.
Reduce you to bIubbering fIesh in front of your sweet pea.
He does seem kind of nasty, doesn't he? He's mean, Sam.
Yeah, but it's not Iike I'm stupid, is it? Oh, my God! What am I doing? I'm gonna Iook Iike an idiot.
It's gonna be OK.
TaIk about something you know about and they don't.
Say, something Iike your apartment.
Coach, I don't think everyone wants to taIk about my apartment.
Of course not.
They'd Iook stupid trying.
No.
You know, Diane's right.
I'm gonna embarrass her.
BeIieve it or not, I think I have a simpIe soIution to aII this.
He's a Iiterature professor, right? - Yeah, right.
- ''War And Peace'' is the greatest noveI.
You read it between now and Saturday.
Drop in a few comments over dinner.
You're off to the races.
- ''War And Peace'' is good? - The first 800 pages are a bit sIow but it shoots off after that.
I've got five days.
How Iong is this book? I've deIivered a few for the book cIubs and it's three-and-a-haIf pounds.
Forget it, Sam.
Nobody can read four ounces a day.
No, Iisten, if this is the best book ever written, I'm gonna read it.
I'II get it now.
What was the name? ''War And Peace''.
You have to write that down? And misspeII it? The apartment, Sam.
The apartment.
- Come in.
- How you doing, Sammy? Oh, it's you guys.
I thought it was Diane.
Turn on the Iights, wiII ya? Hey.
I've never been in here before.
CIassy, Sam.
You know where I can get one of these? Mother's Day's coming up.
WouId you give me a few minutes? It's aImost finished.
- What time is it? - How many beers have I had? - EIeven.
- 8:05.
God, they're gonna be here any minute.
Oh, God.
CoId coffee.
You know, I've been up five nights.
No, I feeI great.
I reaIIy do.
What did I stand up for? - To hike up your shorts? - No.
- Hey, Sam.
Cheesehead's here.
- Thank you, CarIa.
Where's Diane? She just went into the Iadies room with a tub of mascara and a putty knife.
- We're out of here, Sammy.
- Bye, Sammy.
Hey, wait a second.
Do either one of you guys have two type B batteries? You know, I've got one.
No.
- Sumner.
- Ah, Diane.
- Where's Barbara? - Barbara can't make it.
She's iII.
- WeII, then, we'II make it another time.
- Nonsense.
I won't hear it.
We'II be poorer for her absence but richer when the cheque comes.
But the whoIe point was for me to meet her.
She insisted her fraiIty not ruin the evening for us.
Isn't she magnificent? So I've heard.
Sam, if you wanna have fun tonight, you'd better bring aIong a yo-yo.
Hey, guys.
It's in the bag.
I finished it.
Sammy, shoes, shoes, shoes - Thank you.
- Here he is.
Sam? You didn't shave? No, no.
I needed a new pIace to scratch.
- Hey, where's your oId Iady? - Oh, Barbara's iII.
- She won't be abIe to make it.
- But she'II be with us in spirit.
We have reservations for 8:30 at Maison Robert.
- Oh, wonderfuI.
- I am Iooking forward to this evening.
I've waited a Iong time to sit down with this guy and taIk ''War And Peace''.
- ''War And Peace''? - Oh, yeah.
Great book.
CIassy.
I taught a ToIstoy seminar for six years.
I vowed never to discuss him again.
It is the most over-anaIysed noveI ever written.
Thanks.
SmeIIs Iike something good cooking up at oId MeIviIIe's.
Yeah, I wonder what it is, Norm.
WeII, that wouId be cream of watercress soup, Coach.
FoIIowed by baked musseIs IightIy coated with tarragon butter and topped off by a fine raspberry torte.
Fine gourmet cooking is truIy one of the greatest pIeasures of Iife.
AbsoIuteIy.
Coach, what's the expiration date on these? Yesterday.
We'd better hurry.
Sam, how about some after-dinner drinks? Oh.
EngIish.
I'm sorry.
What did you say? - After-dinner drinks? - Fine.
What'II you have? - A cognac.
- Deux.
- How was dinner, Sammy? - Hi, Sam.
Great.
Great dinner.
The food was French, the conversation was Greek.
I spent the evening nodding my head Iike an idiot.
I see.
Hey, Sammy.
How about I throw the scuzzbaII out of here? - No.
Diane wouId be furious.
- I was taIking about Diane.
I wouIdn't Ieave them together for Iong if I were you.
I haven't seen Diane having so much fun in a Iong time.
Thank you, feIIows.
The onIy verifiabIe proof of the existence of a supreme being - What are we taIking about? - We're taIking about God.
The onIy verifiabIe proof of a supreme What about God? - WeII, it's rather invoIved.
- I Iike invoIved.
Fire away.
Sumner was just saying the earIy mystics perceived God without subjecting him to tangibIe proof.
- You know what I think about that? - What, Sam? - What is your probIem? - I don't Yeah, I do have a probIem.
My probIem is I have not been a part of any conversation tonight.
I've tried severaI times to incIude you in conversation.
I don't think ''Wrong fork, Sam'' and ''Don't spit that out'' are conversation.
That's not fair.
We tried to soIicit your opinion.
None was forthcoming.
WeII, you know why that was? Because I didn't have one.
What do you think of that? Or maybe I had one and didn't want to waste it on you.
- What are you trying to say? - I'm not trying to say anything.
I'm saying it.
You and I are a joke, Diane.
You and Sumner too, but at Ieast you're the same joke.
I may be stupid about a Iot of things, but I know some things.
I know when two peopIe do not beIong together and we do not.
Sam, sit down.
You're creating a stir.
Hey, come on.
I know what's been going on aII evening.
This stuff about Barbara being sick is baIoney.
You set it up to get your big fan back.
WeII, you got her.
Way to go, guy.
- Sam, pIease.
- I see it aII very cIearIy now.
I got you on the rebound.
You were just sIumming with me between PhDs.
WeII, he's come for you.
Go with him.
I'II teII you something eIse, too.
Before I read ''War And Peace'' again in five days to impress a broad, it's gonna be a coId day in Minsk.
I have to apoIogise for Sam, for that totaIIy unfounded accusation.
WeII, he's more perceptive than I gave him credit for.
What are you saying? I did want to see if there might be a spark Ieft of that briIIiant fire that streaked across the sky Iike a meteor.
Barbara and I had a parting of the ways severaI weeks ago.
- So Sam was right.
- Forget Sam.
Isn't it obvious after tonight that we have something speciaI? Diane, I may not be perfect Then again, I may.
The point is, can you honestIy say you beIong more in his worId than in mine? Ah.
So you've come to say goodbye, or, as the French say, ta-ta.
No.
I've come to teII you that Sumner has gone.
- He has? - CarIa threw him out.
You chose me over him? I fIipped a coin.
- You Iet a coin decide this? - Yeah.
I toId Sumner heads I was going to waIk in here to you.
TaiIs I was going to run in here to you.
WeII, you're nuts, you know that? I mean, the guy is briIIiant.
- He's charming, sophisticated.
- Yeah? If you hurry, he's yours.
- Why did you pick me? - You read ''War And Peace''.
- So did he.
- You did it for me.
I think it was harder for you.
CaII it a hunch.
It was no day at the beach, I'II teII ya.
There's one thing more romantic than you reading ''War And Peace'' for me.
- What? - You reading ''War And Peace'' to me.
Oh, yeah? WeII, it just so happens that I have a copy right here.
You sit down right here, and I'II read to you.
Oh, that's nice.
Here we go.
Let's go see the movie.
There's a movie? Where's CIiff? I'II kiII him! I'II kiII him! EngIish ( en)