Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Affairs of the Heart

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART Excuse me, cutie.
Cutie? Who do you think you're taIking to? - Her.
- Better be.
- As Iong as you're here.
- I ain't here.
What's the matter? Did we get up on the the wrong side of the web this morning? - I hate it when they caII me cutie.
- I know how you feeI.
EarIier, a customer had the effrontery to refer to me as ''honey''.
But that makes sense.
Honey is bee barf.
- Did that snort mean we were amused? - No, definiteIy not.
That was a snort of disapprovaI.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - How's Iife, Norm? - Ask a man who's got one.
- Here's mine now.
- About that, Norm.
- He raised the prices.
- I was going to say.
You wouId have found a way to cushion the bIow.
Sure, Sam.
Why not? It's Get Norm Year.
Join the fun.
- Come on.
It's onIy a quarter.
- OnIy a quarter? Easy for you to say.
- Maybe this wiII change your tune.
- He's going for his gun.
It's my caIcuIator, Coach.
I'II figure out how much I can drink and stiII stay within my suds aIIowance.
- What have you got? - I'm going to have to cut back 8.
7%.
Comes out to one beer every haIf hour.
I'm going to have to drink a IittIe more sIowIy.
SIowing down isn't so bad.
Sam, you've got one of the cutest waitresses I've ever seen.
Oh, stop.
I'm bIushing.
I meant you.
- So what? - Sorry.
You sure are.
Romance is in the air, Sam.
- WeII, I'm a IittIe busy, but I suppose - Oh, Sam! If you couId see past your codpiece you'd notice I was referring to that gentIeman there.
He's been watching CarIa aII week.
Haven't you seen him give her those Iooks? It's embarrassing.
If he were any more overcome with desire, there'd be drooI on his chin.
Excuse me.
What were you saying? For whatever reason, he's attracted to CarIa, but he can't get started.
- I shouId heIp him.
- You shouIdn't.
We'II compromise.
I'II heIp him.
I knew we couId work this out.
- Excuse me.
I'm Diane Chambers.
- HeIIo.
Henry ZenzoIa.
- Nice to meet you.
Mind if I sit down? - No, pIease.
Henry, I'II put it right on the Iine.
How do you feeI about CarIa? The waitress with the fouI mouth and nasty disposition? - That's her.
- She's the hottest thing waIking.
Do you want to get to know her? I can arrange it.
You think so? I've tried aII week.
She acts Iike I'm contagious.
Has she actuaIIy made any retching noises? You're in.
I'II be right back.
What a nice person.
Is she aIways Iike that? Yeah.
Coach, give me a beer.
You're ahead of your one-beer-a-haIf-hour scheduIe.
No, I'm on London time.
God save the Queen.
His name is Henry.
He's interested in you.
I think you shouId taIk to him.
I don't.
If he's interested in me, there's something wrong with him.
CarIa, I assure you he's charming.
I think he's attractive.
Don't you? As cue baIIs go, he's a Iooker.
For some reason, guys I'm interested in, or guys interested in me, aIways have something seriousIy wrong with them.
CarIa, I can see that, but stop feeIing you're undesirabIe.
Are you kidding? I'm too desirabIe.
I'm a vermin magnet.
Come on, CarIa.
This guy's not Iike that.
He's attractive, charming, inteIIigent and opposites attract, so go for him.
He's aIways taIking there about the Sox.
He knows Yaz personaIIy.
- Yaz? - Yaz.
- OK, I'II taIk to him.
- Oh, goody.
Just Iong enough to find out what's wrong with this Ioser.
I Iike a person with an open mind.
- You're Hank? - Yeah.
How do you do.
Shut up and answer a few questions.
Where'd you come from? We never saw you here before.
- I don't reaIIy get out that much.
- He's married.
No.
I'm singIe.
- Ever been married? - No.
Gay as a goose.
- What? - I Iike women.
Some women very much.
Hooker bait.
I don't mind being put through my paces.
I'm aIways one to enjoy a good game.
I hope this one gets better.
- This proves nothing.
- He is great and it's kiIIing you.
I admit he is tough, but I'II crack him.
We're going for a cup of coffee on you.
Sam, I'm taking a break.
You got a criminaI record? Any mentaI iIIness in the famiIy? OK, open your mouth.
Who's the worId's greatest matchmaker? - Say it.
- I'm not going to say it.
Admit CarIa and Hank have been an item since they went out to dinner.
I hate to see that.
You think CarIa's making a mistake? No.
I just had my Iast beer of the 20th Century.
Hey, everybody.
We came from the game.
We kiIIed the OiIers 28 to 3.
Hank has great season seats.
Spitting distance from the visitors' bench.
Listen, Hank, thanks a Iot.
I had a great time.
I did, too.
Do you want to meet for a Iight supper? I'm sorry.
I forgot to teII you before.
We're through.
Beat it.
- What did you find wrong with him? - Nothing.
I do not want to taIk about it.
Sam, what do you need from your office? - Nothing.
- I'II see if you have any.
- What happened? - I don't know.
We got aIong so great.
Hank, sit down.
Coach, pour him a beer.
I'II see if CarIa needs heIp finding that nothing.
Hey, Hank, you know, when I'm reaIIy kind of depressed, I usuaIIy Iike to buy a beer for a friend who's a IittIe behind on his beer budget.
WeII, I'm not reaIIy feeIing aII that depressed.
You're not? You faII hard for a girI, you think you've got her where you want her and she cuts you off at the kneecaps in front - Set them up.
- Thank you.
This'II heIp.
- I want to be aIone.
- I'II onIy be a second.
I've got something important to do.
I have to fix theimmediateIy.
OK.
AII right.
- What are you doing here, Sam? - I wanted to see if you wanted to taIk.
I don't.
Sam, this guy is perfect in every other way.
The onIy thing Ieft is that he must be Iousy in bed.
Who needs it? You know, from over here, it seems Iike you're just afraid to go with this.
- Being vuInerabIe.
- VuInerabIe? It's just a word I picked up somewhere.
I'm scared he's going to be so crazed with desire, I'II never get rid of him.
That's not it.
You're afraid you're going to faII for him.
No, I'm not going to faII for him.
I've aIready faIIen for him.
You're afraid he'II turn into a jerk? - No, smart guy.
He's aIready a jerk.
- Why's he a jerk? - Because he's dishonest.
- Why is he dishonest? Because he's hiding the fact that he's a jerk.
Who's jerking who here? You aIways say you're tough.
You act tough.
You're not tough.
Tough guys take chances.
You're chicken.
- Don't ever caII me that.
- That's what you are.
You're chicken.
Hey! I want to go with you.
You have been cruising on your Iooks for too Iong.
- I'm not going to fight you.
- Let's go! Come on.
You're haIf my size.
That's dirty! Nobody caIIs me chicken.
I'm going to go out there and be vuInerabIe.
I'm going to go open myseIf to happiness Iike a banshee.
Can I have the night off? Thanks.
FeeI better now? Yeah, I thought so.
- Want to go to my pIace? - You bet.
We can't.
My kids are there.
Your pIace? I'm staying with a friend untiI my apartment's ready.
Diane, give me the keys to your pIace.
- I wiII not.
- You're the matchmaker.
You want this thing to work out or end up with a broken heart? And a broken Iip? Enjoy.
And, CarIa, when you're done, just burn the pIace.
Come on.
You made me the happiest man on earth.
Just wait.
- Are you aII right? - Don't worry.
She didn't hurt the good stuff.
Romance in this bar is kind of an inspiration.
You, Diane, CarIa, Hank there.
Seeing you makes me think somewhere out there there's somebody for me.
There are those that wouId disagree.
I'm sorry, CIiff.
Just a picture came to mind of you in the sack.
I see your maiIbag draped over a chair, next to your gabardines.
That's as far as I wanted to Iook.
Wait a minute.
I agree with CIiff.
Cheers is a romantic bar.
Take a poor guy Iike Hank with his terribIe probIem.
He can get a girI.
- Coach, what terribIe probIem? - I can't taIk about it.
Hank said not to.
Coach, this couId be important.
Can you give us a hint or something? A hint? OK, I got one.
Lefty Cramer.
The oId third baseman? Right.
Lefty has the same probIem that Hank has.
Hank can't hit a breaking pitch? - Oh, yeah, poor CarIa.
- She'II be crushed.
Come on.
Keep thinking.
Think.
What probIem did Lefty have? WeII, he was ugIy as a mud fence.
I remember that.
He was a bad dresser.
He used to spit tobacco juice aII over.
CouId we forget Lefty? What's wrong with Hank? Wait a minute.
I got it.
Coach, Lefty had a heart probIem.
Hank has the same thing.
The Ieast bit of excitement, it's curtains.
- Coach, how about sex? - Diane, I thought you were Sam's girI.
I'm taIking about Hank.
Hank is seeing CarIa.
Are you Iistening to this? Coach, she's trying to say, is Hank in any danger with CarIa tonight? Not at aII.
Not unIess he gets overexcited about something.
Sam, we've got to stop them.
Hank wouIdn't have gone with CarIa if he thought it was risky.
- We've got to stop them.
- We've got to warn CarIa.
What a shock if the guy drops dead in CarIa's own bed.
- Oh, God.
She's in my apartment.
- You're kidding.
That's the Iast time I Iet somebody have a great time in my bedroom.
CaII.
- Just caII.
- What am I supposed to say? TeII her to Iook on the next piIIow and count the dead peopIe.
Norman.
Just ask her if everything's aII right.
AII right.
The Iine's busy.
Then maybe she's caIIing an ambuIance.
Stop it.
We don't have to jump to concIusions.
A Iot of peopIe take the phone off the hook so it won't interrupt their intimacies.
- How come we never did that? - I might miss an important caII.
- Go and see what's happening.
- You're right.
Stay on the Iine.
- It's my fauIt.
I pushed them into this.
- I'm going, too.
- I'II go with you.
I know CPR.
- I'II go.
I'm a CPA.
Stay here.
I can handIe this.
If we need you, I'II caII you.
PIease, God, Iet Hank be aII right.
- Stop! - Oh, no - I wonder if we're too Iate.
- WeII, there's onIy one way to find out.
No, Sam.
We can't just burst in on them.
That's a gaucherie.
Besides, we might actuaIIy see them.
What were we pIanning to do? Let's make Ioud noises to draw their attention.
- Fire! - No, Sam.
You'II startIe him.
My God.
I hope I didn't bIow it.
Sam, that's so disgusting.
- Can you hear anything? - Not a thing.
I thought CarIa wouId be the type to make noises.
- HeIIo there.
- They're just starting.
What the heII's going on here? We thought you were in there.
Were you Iooking for pointers? - We saw wine gIasses - We had a drink and went out to eat.
- So you didn't actuaIIy - Let's pretend it's any of your business.
- No, we didn't.
- Why are you here? What's wrong? Hank, I'm sorry for intruding, but Coach said you had a heart condition.
- Did he? - Did he make a mistake? - He's right.
I have a serious probIem.
- You do? He aIso said that any exertion wouId be very dangerous for you.
We thought we'd catch you before you and CarIa Exerted.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to teII me you couId have died? Yeah.
It couId have happened.
Sex is OK for most peopIe with heart probIems.
For me, it's chancy.
- If we didn't get wiId - Are you kidding? I've aImost kiIIed off guys with good pumps.
WouId you butt out? I am not going to forget this.
Of aII the rotten things guys have done to me.
- I was right.
- I didn't want to spoiI it.
SpoiI it? I wouId have feIt great, waking up tomorrow next to a stiff.
You wouIdn't have had to feed him breakfast.
Hank, why wouId you take such a risk? How couId I not? CarIa, I've been so carefuI for so Iong.
Then I met you and I just didn't care.
The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to take the risk.
You're nuts.
I got so carried away, I didn't think what it might do to you.
I don't know what to think about aII this.
I guess I'd better Ieave.
CouIdn't you just be good friends, reaI good friends? No.
I don't want to be just friends with CarIa.
It wouId drive me crazy to not touch you.
Hear that, beanpoIe? CarIa, I'm sorry I disappointed you.
Wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
In a way, I think maybe you and I were perfect together.
See, we never had an argument, right? Not a harsh word.
No one Iooking in another direction.
Yes.
It's Iike an incredibIy deIicate fIower.
It doesn't matter how Iong it Iasts.
Hey, whitey, this is my moment here.
I'm sorry.
In a way, Hank, I'II aIways remember you as the best Iover I ever had.
Goodbye.
WeII, now I've seen past your IittIe masquerade and there's a bond between us that can never be broken.
I'm going to capture my feeIings whiIe they're fresh and put them in my diary.
Wait, Diane.
It's right here.
We were Iaughing about it at dinner.
EngIish ( en)