Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Old Flames

OLD FLAMES - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - How's Iife? - It's not going to win any awards.
Put a brew in my face, pIease.
- Right up.
- What have you been up to? I went out for the first time since Vera and I spIit up.
Who was the Iucky damseI? ArIene HorsIey.
She's a typist at that firm I got fired from.
I gave her a sIice of my pizza one day.
Things took off from there.
We caught a movie this afternoon.
- What was pIaying? - ''Gandhi''.
Fine piece of cinematic art there.
- I'm out of here.
- Where you going? I gotta get back before ArIene misses me.
- Where is she? - Watching ''Gandhi''.
I'm just out for popcorn.
See you in an hour when I go out for jujubes.
We did.
Thank you for a wonderfuI afternoon.
My heart's stiII pounding.
If you have something to say, come right out and say it.
AII right.
- What is your probIem? - There is no bigger romantic than me.
But if you two are going to do stuff Iike that, do it out by the garbage.
Even you cannot ruin our mood.
We had a wonderfuI afternoon gaIIery haunting.
We saw the work of New EngIand's finest artists.
Did you Iose a bet, Sam? Mr MaIone is deveIoping an appreciation of non-representationaI art.
- That's right.
- Name any art you saw today.
There were so many.
Name any piece of art in the worId.
- A buck says he gets this one.
- You're on.
MicheIangeIo's ''Two MuscuIar Guys Touching Fingers''.
- Pay up.
- FooIed me.
Why? Diane, I wouIdn't try too hard to domesticate the guy.
You're going against eons of bioIogy.
What are you taIking about? EarIy cavemen went out and hunted for the food that graced their tabIe.
Women stayed in the cave and deveIoped art and cuIture.
Men, through the centuries, have aIways been hunters.
Cogito, it is not in man's nature to sit aIone and be dociIe.
- What's the matter? - My shorts are binding up on me.
Just straighten them out.
No, I'II give them five minutes.
Sometimes they seIf-correct.
The IeveI of conversation in this bar couId not sink Iower.
Hiya, wonder-buns.
- Going down - Dave Richards! Hi, sports fans.
What did you say at the end of your sports report Iast night? I said, ''Good night and remember ''the worId is fuII of winners and Iosers.
Here's hoping you're one of them.
'' I guess I did hear it right.
- Hey, big feIIa.
- How're you doing, Mayday? - Good.
How are you, Dave? - MiserabIe.
- Brenda and I spIit.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
This is from the heart.
This is the most devastating period of my Iife.
- You want to taIk about it? - No.
FaII off a horse, you get back on.
Sam, how about you and me giving the femaIes of Boston ten minutes head start, then round them up? We did have fun, didn't we? We were pretty good.
I was wondering.
What was the best night we ever had? That's tough.
I think I'd have to say JuIy 4th, Chicago.
Yankee DoodIe? - I was thinking about MinneapoIis.
- It was great.
But that was quantity.
I'm taIking quaIity.
Was there a night when there was both quantity and quaIity? Vegas! - What are we waiting for? - Nothing.
Don't wait up for us.
FemaIes of Boston, stop dreaming.
It's on its way.
See you Iater, sweetheart.
Take care, Dave.
Don't you be a stranger now.
Don't you be a stranger.
Did you get a chance to say hi to Dave? Good oId guy.
Where were you going with him? Where am I? Last thing I remember, I was standing behind the bar.
Coach, I'm having bIackouts.
Kind of a nice break in the day, isn't it? Sam, what gives? I'm not going to make it to the aquarium with you today.
I'm sorry.
I know where you were going.
You were going troIIop hunting.
That sounds fun.
Can you do that with women? Wait.
I was not thinking, Diane.
It was just an automatic reaction, that's aII.
You're not going to teII me that you and human brain have got something going? WeII, kind of, yeah.
I mean, totaIIy.
Very romantic phrasing.
You must be one hot honey.
Take it easy.
We've got a good thing going here and I'm very proud of it.
- Speaking of things going Dave? - I'II taIk to you Iater.
I'II come back when you've spIit up.
I've got about an hour to kiII.
- Listen, this is going to work out.
- Who are you taIking to here? You were a worse hound than me.
The worst hound ever.
David, that has aII changed now.
Some things never change.
You cannot give an oId Ieopard new stripes.
Why are we taIking to him? I have nothing against you.
I just want my buddy back.
I say I can break you two up.
Tomorrow, we wiII be out scouting those el feminitos.
You're wrong.
There's no way.
You're out of Iine.
Do you beIieve that? That's ridicuIous.
Sam, he can give us 24 hours, We have transcended time.
Right now the important thing is the next 24 hours.
Just to be on the safe side, Iet's not even get into a heated discussion today.
- Sure.
That's easy.
- Good.
I hope so.
The truth is, we've never gone 24 hours without a fight.
- We most certainIy have.
- We haven't.
- Sam MaIone - You're right.
The important thing is no arguing, no fighting, no break-up.
I couIdn't agree more.
Seeing as you're going to be out of commission, or so you say, couId you give me the number of that Lydia chick? You're impossibIe.
CIiff! The book! This stiII her number? Come on.
You're smudging Judy WiIson's number.
Thanks, buddy.
See you, gang.
Oh, and, moonbeam Seeing as you'II be spIit up tomorrow, maybe you and I I'd rather be staked out on an ant hiII, naked.
See how they aIways get the word ''naked'' in? Go on.
What a sIeazy, egotisticaI, greasy, rotten sewer rat.
- You're right.
- I think I'm in Iove.
Diane, I'm gIad that jerk came by today.
Moments Iike that make me reaIise what a good thing we got going.
- Why do you stiII have that thing? - What's that, babe? The book.
Why are you keeping it? Sweetheart, this is my address book.
I've got emergency numbers in this.
What emergency service does Wanda MendeIsohn render? She's an aII-night pIumber.
The onIy pIumber in Boston you have to go to her house.
Why are you hoIding onto phone numbers of other women? I just haven't gotten around to getting rid of it.
Then you won't mind if I heIp you with that.
CIiff, you touched it! I can see! - Normie, I can waIk! - He's waIking! - HaIIeIujah! - CIiff's waIking! He's waIking! I'm just saying it wouId be a wonderfuI gesture to me if you destroyed the book.
Are you nuts? It took me years to meet aII these peopIe! - And even Ionger to aIphabetise them.
- AII right! I knew you'd bring up stupid.
Arguing with you begins and ends with it.
You can put up with this if I can put up with paint spIatters.
Paint spIatters? If brains were money, you'd need a Ioan for a cup of coffee.
I got that one! You're making marveIIous progress.
What's not making progress is you and me.
- We can change that.
- Whatever.
I'm keeping that book.
And you know where you can keep it? Right straight under the piIIow you dream on, big guy.
Sam, got a minute? I just wanted to congratuIate you on your faIIing-out with miss chicken-parts.
Take this opportunity to make it permanent.
Whenever we fight, you just Iove to gIoat.
No, Sam.
In fact, I feeI a IittIe sad about this one.
- Why? - I wasn't the cause of it.
I don't know.
Maybe me and Diane being together doesn't make any sense.
Love, Sam.
Who can expIain it? FooIs have tried.
- You're right.
- I've got this theory.
- Coach, wouId you take me home? - OK.
Every night you forget your keys.
Have you got them? It's OK.
I got it aII figured out.
I Ieft them in the car.
- You're not afraid it wiII get stoIen? - I Iocked it.
- How wiII you get in without keys? - I made a dupIicate set.
- Where are they? - HoIy mackereI! CarIa, we've got to make a scrambIe.
Looks Iike rain.
Come on.
I Ieft the windows open.
Are you deep in thought about how much you Iove me or are you not taIking to me? I hate you with the white-hot intensity of 1 ,000 suns.
Somebody's cranky.
TeII you what.
As a gesture, to put aII this behind us, I'II take this book I see.
You're going to patch it up so you don't Iose face with Dave.
No, forget about Dave.
I'm concerned about us right now.
I'm going to take this book, which represents my past, and I'm gonna rip up X through Z and aII but one of Q.
You just don't understand.
There's nothing more to say.
- WeII, there he is.
Isn't he pretty? - What do you want, Dave? Was that Diane I saw Ieaving? Yeah, she had to go home earIy.
She has pictures of me she wants to hang.
- I'm in a bind.
- You don't Iook too bad off.
The one on the Ieft is VaIerie.
The other's Didi.
- Can you take one off my hands? - What is this? Part of your pIan? Come on.
I'm asking a favour from a buddy.
OrdinariIy I wouIdn't ask, but VaIerie thinks I'm compIex.
Need I say more? Just see that she gets home.
- Give me a break.
- Just see that she gets home.
OK? Thanks.
VaIerie? What do you say you and I jump in that Dave-mobiIe? So Didi, where do you Iive? Chicago.
- Excuse me? - Chicago.
It's in IIIinois.
- I know where Chicago is, but - I'm just here overnight.
I'm a stewardess.
I'm at the Stafford HoteI.
- Why don't you Iet me caII you a cab? - WeII, OK.
Dave said you were a fun guy.
I used to be a fun guy before I met Before I met you.
Now I'm a reaIIy fun guy.
- AII right! - Stafford HoteI? AII right.
How come you're not out with ArIene tonight? Oh, gee, I am.
- Where are you gonna be? - I think the circus.
No, that's tomorrow.
We're on a baIcony somewhere.
- I thought it was your turn to drive.
- Did I forget to pick you up, CarIa? - I'm sorry.
I'II make it up to you.
- It's OK.
Tomorrow, you forget to pick me up.
- Coach, is Sam in yet? - No, he's not.
FeeI a case of the nags coming on? I deserve that.
ActuaIIy, I wanted to apoIogise to him.
I made too big a deaI of that address book.
But he was being insensitive.
I guess I shouId Iearn to controI myseIf.
I stiII think Sam was wrong.
- Cheers.
- Coach, that ringing is in your head.
I'm sorry.
Coach, I don't bIame you for being confused.
My reIationship with Sam is making me crazy.
And you used to be so together.
- Diane, I got something to teII you.
- I'm sorry the way I reacted yesterday.
- I had a miserabIe night.
- It's aII right.
You're gonna Iove this.
It's so good.
Great! I can't wait either! - Coach, your phone's ringing.
- No, it's in my head.
The big guy's chair.
TeII me.
Diane, Iast night, I took a beautifuI woman back to my pIace.
She was ready, wiIIing and abIe and so was I.
We were right in the sack, then aII of a sudden I stopped, I thought about how much you mean to me, and I said, ''I can't do this.
I got a chick.
'' What do you think about that? WeII, I was expecting a hug or a kiss, but this is more personaI, I guess.
- How couId you? - Diane, this is good news! You go to bed with another woman and this is good news? You're not getting the big picture.
This is the first time I said no.
And she was gorgeous.
Not a man in the worId wouId say no to her.
Not many women either, I'II teII you that.
Besides, you and I were as good as broken up.
The onIy thing as good as broken up is being broken up.
And we are.
Come on.
Don't you see what this means? Damn it! Your 24 hours is about up.
Do I sense tension in this room? That was a crumby thing you did, pushing Didi on me Iike that.
If Diane and I didn't have such a good thing going here that might have spIit us up.
Come on.
You two? Good thing going? I get aIong better with my wife and we've exchanged gunfire.
- You'II be happy to hear that Sam and - Wait! Whatever Dave hears, he'II hear from me.
I made a mistake Iast night.
I aImost made a mistake.
I've admitted this to Diane and now I'm teIIing her that I'm finaIIy convinced.
I'm crazy about this woman.
She is the best thing going and I care about no one eIse.
I'm not going to Iet anything come between us.
Find someone eIse to waste your evenings with cos I'm gonna be wasting mine with this IittIe fiIIy.
WeII, I know when I'm beat.
I want you to watch me kiss my woman here.
You might Iearn something.
That's great, Sam.
- Didi said you're the best kisser.
- ReaIIy? EngIish ( en)