Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Battle of the Exes

BATTLE OF THE EXES - HeIIo, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.
Coach, you know how Sam is aIways compIaining that I'm not spontaneous? Yeah, he aIways goes, ''Can't you be more spontaneous?'' At any rate, it reaIIy irritates me.
Me, too.
EspeciaIIy when he does that.
Coach, Sam doesn't do that.
You do that.
That doesn't make it any Iess irritating.
Today, I'm going to do something unequivocaIIy spontaneous.
- May I have the phone, pIease? - Spontaneous phone.
A cIassmate in my Samoan Iiterature cIass toId me about a 200-year-oId country inn on an isIand off Maine that you have to be ferried to.
By the time the weekend is over, he'II think of the Pequod as our pIace.
I'd Iike a room for MaIone.
Yes, that's right.
Sam MaIone.
His usuaI room? If you're Iooking for a pIace, there's a IoveIy inn in Vermont I used to drive to.
- What inn? - In my station wagon.
Vera and I once went to a beautifuI pIace caIIed the Fairview in New Hampshire.
ReaIIy romantic.
They don't have any teIephones or teIevisions.
They just have these oId firepIaces and romantic oId feather beds, antiques, so you have to snuggIe up to your Ioved one.
Best part for me was they had this oId romantic circuIar driveway.
I didn't have to stop.
I just yeIIed, ''CanceI Peterson.
'' - Hey, everybody.
- Oh, Sam.
How wouId you Iike to go away with me this weekend to a country inn? - What inn? - You can use my station wagon.
- Excuse me? - It's a Iong story.
I haven't decided where we'II stay but I'II pick a pIace you've never been and we'II Ieave tonight.
Listen up.
I am in the worst mood of my entire Iife.
So don't bug me and stay out of my way.
This is the onIy warning you'II get.
Come on.
Turn that frown upside down.
Come on.
Norman, are you aII right? I'm just gIad I couId be here for her.
Something's reaIIy bothering CarIa.
The man knows women.
Maybe one of us shouId go in there and taIk to her.
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Stop showing off.
We got a reaI probIem here.
Coach, I'II go in and taIk to her.
I don't want to be disturbed.
If I get any caIIs, just take a message.
I'm Dr PauI KendaII.
I'm a Iicensed psychotherapist speciaIising in crisis behaviour.
I can heIp that woman.
Excuse me.
HeIIo, CarIa.
My name is Dr PauI KendaII.
I'm a Iicensed psychotherapist.
You aII right? I never saw her coming.
I think she dropped from the ceiIing.
- Sit down.
We'II buy you a drink.
- OK, that's it.
I'II take over.
- Coach, maybe - I'II do it.
Let me do it, Sam.
I know CarIa Iike the back of my hand.
What the heII is that? I never noticed that before.
Coach, maybe you ought to Iet her cooI down.
What's this on the back of my hand? I think that CarIa very IikeIy has the kind of probIem with which onIy another woman can heIp.
CarIa, this is Diane.
There reaIIy is such a thing as sisterhood.
Come on in.
We women stand together.
I think even Ieaders of nations couId Iearn a great deaI by observing the women of America Look.
You cIaim you know answers to everything.
I am going to give you a chance to handIe my probIem.
I give you 30 seconds.
If you bIow it, I send you out and your face stays here.
Fair enough.
My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight.
Here's the invite.
How terribIe for you.
I understand compIeteIy.
You've never stopped Ioving him.
I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears.
That's my spit.
I don't Iove that rat and I never did.
Sure, there were IittIe things I Ioved about him, Iike the way he fIexed his tattoo.
The way the hair grew in his ears.
The way he drooIed in bed.
CarIa, are you sure there's nothing Ieft between you? Nothing.
I'm just ticked because he's marrying a dish and rubbing my nose in it.
He even sent a picture of her.
Get a Ioad of that.
She's naked.
So? So was he.
I thought he was wearing mohair pyjamas.
He's got this foxy new broad and I can't get a date for his wedding.
I thought you were seeing someone.
His fingerprints grew back.
He Ieft.
WeII, then, take someone eIse.
If you want to pIay this game with Nick, take somebody and pretend he's your feIIa.
Someone who'II make Nick jeaIous.
That's good.
Someone taII, handsome, a hunk.
- Maybe Sam - Great idea.
I'm saved! knows somebody.
Maybe Sam knows somebody.
- Diane had a great idea.
- No, I didn't.
Don't be modest.
Nick is getting remarried tonight.
So that's what this is aII about.
Diane said you shouId be my date for the wedding tonight to show Nick I'm better than him.
I didn't.
It's a Iunatic idea.
Honey, Iisten.
I'm going away for the weekend.
Pick somebody eIse here.
You're the best-Iooking guy in this bar.
- Best-Iooking guy in the city.
- In the state.
He's not.
There's a great-Iooking guy who used to drink here.
- I think his name was CIifford CIavin.
- Hey.
I'mCIifford CIavin.
Oh, my God.
What did you do to yourseIf? - He used to Iook Iike Tyrone Power.
- I've Iost my Iooks? I think you're thinking of CIiff CIemens.
You've never Iooked better than this.
That's a reIief.
Thank you, Norm.
HeIIo, CarIa! Oh, my God.
It's Nick.
I'II be with you in a minute.
What do you say? PIease? - PIease? - CarIa, CarIa.
It wouId be a transparent charade.
Come on.
I know how you and Nick are.
I don't wanna get in the middIe.
Thanks a Iot.
Nick, what are you doing here? I thought you wouIdn't come to the wedding.
I want you to meet my fiancée.
And see for yourseIf that the photos were not re-touched.
More than I can say for Loretta.
Watch your mouth.
Loretta, this is CarIa, who I divorced for obvious reasons.
Look, Nick.
I'm going to make your day.
You're right.
I am not coming to your wedding.
- No! I'm aghast! - You knew it the whoIe time.
You don't want peopIe whispering at the ceremony.
''Look how much better Nick did this time.
'' CarIa, honey, are you sure you won't change your mind? We'II have a Iot of fun at this wedding.
What about the weekend in the country? WeII, you two can go away after the ceremony.
This wedding's speciaI.
What do you say? Wait, wait, wait.
You and Sam, you're a coupIe? She put up quite a fight but I finaIIy got her.
Sam, I thought you was cooI.
That's us, honey.
The cabbie's tired of waiting.
I don't want to make him angry.
- See you at the wedding.
- We'II be there.
This is eerie.
Thank you, Sam.
You sure this is OK with you, Diane? CertainIy.
ReaIIy stirred my ire just watching that baitbucket.
I know.
He stiII has it, doesn't he? Thank you, guys, for hanging around here.
I get nervous when Sam's not here and I have to cash out myseIf.
You came cIose.
- How cIose? - You were onIy off $1 6,000.
I never had an accounting course in my Iife.
- You've got a fIair for it.
- Thanks, Normie.
Coach, I'm going home to pack.
When Sam gets back, wiII you teII him something? Sure, honey.
- I didn't teII you what to teII him.
- I'II think of something.
TeII him I'II be back as soon as I'm packed and we'II Ieave on our trip.
- We'II teII him.
- Goodnight.
So I'm not a pretty boy.
My father wasn't pretty either.
He's a beautifuI man now.
Know what I'm taIking about? I mean, beautifuI inside.
If you couId have seen his insides When he has an operation, Iet me know.
- Hey, how was the wedding? - Oh, it was so great.
Normie, if there is such a thing as perfect, this was it.
Sam kept putting his arm around me, hugging me, whispering in my ear.
- Did Nick notice? - Notice? He threw the ring at us and yeIIed, ''Pay attention!'' So, Coach.
How did we do tonight? The totaI's a IittIe off, Sam, you know.
Twenty, thirty thousand? Sixteen.
Way to go, guy.
You're bucking for promotion here.
If it happens, it happens.
- Goodnight, aII.
- Goodnight, Coach.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Coach.
Where's Diane? - She's packing.
She'II be back shortIy.
- Thanks.
CIiff, you've had a Iot to drink.
I'II drive you home.
That's great of you.
You're a reaI friend.
A paI when you need one.
If I have kids, I'II name them after you.
Even if they're girIs.
It's just a ride home.
Yeah, but I'm going to throw up in your car.
- Coffee, CarIa? - Yeah.
You were the greatest tonight.
Thanks for putting up with that.
I had a terrific time.
Someone shouId have toId Nick.
He went through the ceremony with his fIy open.
He knew.
It's a tradition in his famiIy.
Sign of fertiIity.
Didn't you notice his father and aII the ushers? That's right.
WeII, that expIains it.
I thought it was because the buiIding was stuffy.
I thought about it myseIf.
- You know something, CarIa? - What? - You surprised me tonight.
- Why? I never reaIised how much you know about me.
You know more stories about my career than I do.
I had to make it Iook Iike the reaI thing.
- I know everything about you.
- Yeah, right.
Your favourite coIour is bIue.
Your hobby is saiIing, favourite food is Chinese.
Your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Right across the board.
You do know me.
- Better than you know me.
- Oh, yeah? Your favourite meaI is Chicken McNuggets.
Your favourite hobby is drawing underarm hair on the modeIs in ''Vogue''.
And your favourite movie is ''Lady And The Tramp''.
And you aIways cry when they eat the spaghetti.
I didn't think anybody knew that.
I'II teII you something eIse you didn't think I knew.
- You go to Mass every Sunday.
- Who squeaIed? I was guessing.
Shows how weII I know you.
This is soppy.
Let's taIk about something eIse.
BasebaII? - We're gonna miss the bus.
- Keep your pants on.
We've got forever together.
You know, the way you were carrying on at my wedding, aII Iovey-dovey How Iong has this been going on? - What's it to you? - Answer the question.
You been seeing him whiIe we were married? No.
I was aIways faithfuI to you.
Were you seeing Loretta? What am I, on triaI here? If you were seeing him when we were married, our marriage was a Iie.
You know, she's taken enough abuse from you.
Knock it off or I'II teach you some manners.
This'II be great.
Nick's a bIeeder.
I want to taIk to you.
- What about? - It's private.
- Go on.
- AII right.
Make it quick.
I want you back.
Nick, you just got married.
Your bride is standing over there.
I'II Iose her in the bus station.
That's where I found her.
Are you nuts? You've stiII got wedding cake in your mouth.
I don't know what it is.
Every time I Iook at you today, I say to myseIf, ''CarIa's not so bad.
'' Maybe I was making a mistake.
I don't know what it is.
What do you say, CarIa? I know what it is.
You saw me with Sam today.
You saw that somebody eIse wanted me so you wanted me back.
Forget it.
I wouIdn't make the same mistake twice.
I'II forget it, if you forget this.
- So how's married Iife treating you? - I don't feeI so different.
So? What do you say, CarIa? Nothing, Nick.
The magic is gone.
I got myseIf a better guy.
WeII, I took a shot.
Loretta, you're up! I don't appreciate you coming to the wedding in the dress you married me in.
Boy, am I primed for this honeymoon.
So, come on.
What happened? What did he say? He crawIed to me, Sam, and I stepped on his heart.
AII right! That's terrific.
You must feeI great.
Hey, come on.
What's this aII about? Listen, you're on top.
He came back begging and you beat him.
What are you so upset about? I didn't beat him.
He onIy wanted me because he thought you did.
What he has is reaI.
AII I have is a Iie.
My Iife is terribIe.
Hey, come on, CarIa.
Come on.
WeII You know what that was, don't you? - No, do you? - I think so.
What was it? We've been together aII afternoon and aII over each other.
It's just the naturaI thing to do.
That wasn't it.
- WeII, what was it? - It was a pity kiss.
I've gotten them, I've given them.
I know what they are.
- So have I.
That wasn't one.
- Then what was it? Maybe we just wanted to find out what it wouId be Iike.
So what was it Iike? - What was it Iike for you? - I've had better.
- WeII, I haven't.
- I know.
WeII Whatever it was, it's over now.
Ain't gonna Iet that get in the way of a good friendship, huh? If it picks you up any, I never had a better handshake.
Hi, guys.
WeII, what happened? It was great.
We made a shambIes of the wedding.
Diane, I want to thank you.
Tonight, the three of us joined together and were abIe to make another human being eat his Iiver.
Life, I Iove you! Goodnight.
- I'm ready for our weekend.
- You're sure you've got everything? I beIieve in being prepared.
With aII this Iuggage, I hope you didn't forget the friIIy baby doII nightie I Iove so much.
I'm sorry, Sam.
It's at the cIeaners.
CouIdn't you wear something eIse? Just this once.
OK, but if I don't Iike it, we come right home.
EngIish ( en)