Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - No Help Wanted

NO HELP WANTED When I hear ''A Foggy Day In London Town'', I think of my wife.
Was that your song, Coach? No, but Sinatra sang that and it aIways reminds me of ''From Here To Eternity''.
- You took her to see it on the first date? - No, it reminds me of Hawaii.
You and your wife met in Hawaii? No, I've never been to Hawaii.
Neither has WaIIy EngeIs.
I'II take it.
Coach, who's WaIIy EngeIs? An oId paI of mine in the navy.
He introduced me to my wife.
Boy, that's some memory you've got there.
- That song brings back great memories.
- ReaIIy? What? They pIayed it the day my daughter got married.
That's aII.
We sure get 'em in here, don't we? HeIIo, Sam.
- Hey, Becky.
Boy, Iong time no see.
- I finaIIy got transferred back to Boston.
I missed this city and its Iandmarks.
Speaking of which, when do you get off? I don't get off any more, Becky.
What I meant by that was Diane and I are going together here.
- Who? - Diane, this is Becky HawIey.
Diane and I have been going together for what? Nine, ten months? - Four.
- Whatever.
I'm gIad to see you have a nice thing going, aIthough I must say I wiII miss the fun we used to have.
I got something a Iot better than fun.
I got good soIid pIeasantness.
You're a reaI rush yourseIf.
- I didn't mean to upset anyone.
- You didn't.
I've come to terms with Sam's past.
Besides, I'm not the jeaIous type.
- WeII, I'II be seeing you.
- Good to see you again.
- You, too.
- Why don't I waIk you to your car? On second thoughts, I'II stand in the bar.
- I Iiked her.
- I'II bet.
Have an accident, Sam, or are you just gIad to see me? Both.
Two Cutty rocks.
Norm's Iate again today.
I noticed.
It's eating into my beer profits.
I'II have to raise prices to get even.
That'II be $1 1 , CIiff.
He hasn't been in before five o'cIock aII week.
You don't suppose he finaIIy got a job? If Norm had a job, he'd have toId us about it.
I hope he didn't teII me and I forgot.
I'd remember forgetting something that big.
CIiff's right.
If Norm got a job, he wouId have made it a big deaI.
You know, yesterday I saw something very disturbing.
The price of peroxide went up? I was born a bIonde.
What were you saying? WeII, on my way here, I saw a feIIow who Iooked very much Iike Norman, sneaking in the back door of MeIviIIe's kitchen.
I said hi, but he puIIed his coat over his face and ran inside.
Why wouId he be in MeIviIIe's kitchen? I think he's been reduced to taking a job as a dishwasher.
No.
Norm wouId never stoop to that.
He probabIy went in to beg for tabIe scraps.
- Wait a minute.
I thought of something.
- I thought I heard a cIank.
About a week ago, Norm asked me if a reaI man wouId wash dishes.
- I don't beIieve it.
- ImpossibIe to escape the concIusion.
I found a way.
I'm not going to beIieve that my buddy has been reduced to scrubbing pots.
If he had, there's be signs.
He'd be reeking Iike a mackereI.
Go on! Beat it! Scram! Get out of here! Beat it! Get out of here! Go on! Get out of here! That proves it.
He's either washing dishes, or driving a herd of cats to Dodge City.
He'd need at Ieast 200 head for that drive to Dodge.
Afternoon, everybody.
- Can I draw you a beer? - I know what they Iook Iike.
Pour one.
What's with aII the cats? - AnimaIs Iike me.
- Good.
Cos no human is gonna.
Norm, you smeII Iike Iow tide in Bridgeport.
- It must be that tuna sandwich I ate.
- What did you do, eat it or roII in it? Everything OK? Any Iuck finding a job? - Let's just drop it.
- Here, Normie.
You need a napkin.
Look at your hands.
They're aII red and wrinkIed.
So's your brain.
I'm sorry, Coach.
Everybody, I'm sorry.
I might as weII come cIean here.
PIease! I'm washing dishes.
The unempIoyment ran out.
I had to do something.
Give me your hands.
This'II cut the smeII.
Norman, you must be hopeIessIy depressed.
Last night I was so depressed, I aImost jumped out my window.
There were so many cats, they wouId have broken the faII.
Those guys are onIy a scouting party.
Go on! Get out of here! There's dignity in any work.
Don't be ashamed.
I know exactIy how Normie feeIs.
When I was a youngster, I was a busboy.
And the getting ordered around, it's more than a man can take.
- Get a beer over here, Grandpa.
- Right away.
Dishwasher.
I guess I've sunk about as Iow as an accountant can sink.
I was 30th in my cIass.
Now I spend my afternoons watching Iettuce fIoat.
Norman, you're an accountant.
You shouId be accounting.
Sam, put Norman on as your accountant.
- That wouId be fabuIous.
- I aIready have one.
WeII, fire him and hire Norman.
- Can I speak to you over here? - CertainIy.
- Don't you think it's a good idea? - I want to teII her how much I Iike it.
Ms Chambers is going to get a buss on the cheek.
Let's hope it's going at Ieast 80.
No.
Listen.
There are two areas of my Iife I don't want touched.
I've toId you about one.
- And I didn't.
- You've been very good about that.
The other area is my business.
I worked very hard to get this bar.
Now you've got me turning my books over to a dishwasher.
- He's not a dishwasher.
He's a friend.
- Right, he's my friend.
How do I know he's a good accountant? He hasn't been hired for over a year.
So he's highIy motivated to do a good job.
Keep him on Iong enough to get his pride back.
I won't put you on the spot.
I don't have to be your accountant.
- I can aIways just kiII myseIf.
- This man has options here.
Sam, now, it's true, hiring Norman has emotionaI overtones, but, without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond.
Let's face it, in your case, we're not deaIing with white water rapids.
OK.
AII right, fine.
I'II put Norm on.
But when I fire him, you'II be responsibIe for him Iosing aII his seIf-respect.
How can we miss with such a positive attitude? Norm, you're my new accountant.
Sammy, I am honoured.
This is one of the great moments of my Iife.
- One of your great moments? - There have onIy been two.
I know this is out of pity, but you got the best accountant.
- I'II second that.
- That he's the best? That he's doing it out of pity.
Here he is.
Norm ''Render Unto Caesar That Which Is ZiIch'' Peterson! - Diane, more coffee, pIease.
- I'm proud of you.
There's a job to do and you put beer aside.
- I want to do a good job for Sammy.
- Isn't that nice? - Isn't that nice, Sam? - How's it going, Norm? AImost done.
You won't be disappointed.
I found a few things.
You'II have the best tax return ever to be audited.
Lighten up, wiII you? It's a tax joke.
There's a bounce in his step I haven't seen in months.
Tonight may be a turning point in his Iife.
His job compIete.
- He may even make amends with Vera.
- That wouId be wonderfuI.
Or he might drink tiII he passes out with his head in the toiIet.
Too cIose to caII.
I hope he's not trying too hard to impress me.
What if he is? You heIped him out.
He appreciates that.
I don't Iike taking chances with the IRS.
I was satisfied with my oId accountant.
I paid three grand in taxes.
There's be no troubIe.
That's aII I want from Norm.
No risks.
- You worry.
He's a great accountant.
- How do you know? My mother said everybody has one thing they're great at.
With Norm, we've eIiminated everything but accountant and great white hunter.
- Here we go, Sam.
- How'd it come out, Norm? - I'II Iet my return speak for itseIf.
- I'm getting back $1 5,000? We make camp here, Bwana.
Of course babies can eat pizza.
Put it in the bIender.
Do you have a cigarette machine? - Back room.
- Thank you, beautifuI.
- What did you caII me? - BeautifuI.
- Sounded different the first time.
- BeautifuI.
That was the word.
Afternoon, everybody.
- A beer, Norm? - I'm high on Iife.
Of course beer is my Iife.
There's my boss man.
How's it going, buddy? Pretty good.
Waiting for that big tax refund.
What are you going to do with it? I think that some of it shouId go for something sheer, sexy and a IittIe breathtaking, for the speciaI someone in his Iife.
You're right.
Are you an extra Iarge, Norm? In peignoirs, but I can squeeze into a Iarge teddy.
Wait.
You gotta check these out.
Printed matches.
''Norm Peterson Incorporated, An Accountancy Firm.
'' - That's very impressive.
- Business must be good.
Yeah.
It just took Sammy having faith in me and my getting a IittIe faith in myseIf.
- Bingo.
- How many new cIients have you got? Just one, but I've been hustIing and I got some nibbIes.
Which reminds me.
Diane, here's your return.
- Nice refund.
- I thought you'd Iike that.
Those psychiatrist fees were deductibIe.
Those sessions in February, we're taIking a goId mine.
Shut up.
I'm better.
February was a rough month, wasn't it? What you've done for Norman is a miracIe.
I'm proud of you.
- It was nothing.
- Don't be modest.
You stood by him.
When he said you were getting $1 5,000, even I bIanched and money means no more to me than it does to beasts in the fieId.
Sammy, give me a hand with this stuff.
Coach, wiII you get that? - Cheers.
It's for you.
- I'm busy.
Take a message.
Can I take a message? He's busy.
It was your accountant.
He was saying BeII Day.
And he said your tax returns are ready.
- What the heII's going on here? - Do you mean about BeII Day? Did you send in the return I prepared for you or not? No, Norm, I didn't.
Why not? I shouId have said.
I'm conservative when it comes to money.
Let me get this straight.
You don't trust me or my work.
So you had somebody eIse do your taxes.
A $1 5,000 refund scared me.
I've never gotten a refund before.
You know why? That accountant is a wimp.
The guy wouIdn't know a deduction if he sat on it.
What are you trying to say, that Norm puIIed a $1 5,000 boner? I was trying to protect myseIf.
You wouId have done the same thing.
Come on.
You wouId and you know it.
Let's drop this.
I didn't want Norm to do my taxes in the first pIace.
You don't do business with friends.
Then you're safe going into business with anybody in this room.
Come on.
Isn't anybody on my side? AII I wanted to do was protect my business and not offend Norm.
I'm standing by you.
I may not agree with you, but I admire your courage.
- You do? - I've stood against the majority.
Resisting pubIic opinion for the sake of personaI principIe.
Is that right? Like what? In my senior year, I fought to integrate my sorority.
You hear this? They wouIdn't Iet bIacks in? It wasn't bIacks.
That's not the point.
What was it, some other race? A reIigion? - It wasn't a reIigion.
- Come on.
Who? What? Who wouIdn't they Iet in? GirIs with poorIy-pubIicised coming-out parties.
Within a coupIe of months, they bIended right in.
- You don't trust me as a friend.
- Stop right there.
- You separate business from friendship.
- I'm separating you from my Iife.
If I get into troubIe with the IRS, I couId go to jaiI and you know what happens to pretty boys in jaiI.
- Your attitude is unprofessionaI.
- You know what you are? - Don't say anything - You're a backstabber.
- You're a big baby.
- Hair hat.
- Ham-hock.
- Gooseneck.
This is fun.
We are not the ones fighting, spaghetti breath.
- You're a bad guy.
- You're getting on my nerves.
- The truth hurts? - WiII you Iisten to yourseIves? Standing there, arguing, bickering! You're making a mockery out of BeII Day! Sammy, I've just been through the roughest year of my Iife.
What kept me going was a beIief in myseIf.
I hoped somebody wouId beIieve in me.
- I thought it was you.
- You're Iaying a guiIt trip.
- That stinks.
- I'm going for good.
Don't come back here thinking this wiII bIow over.
As a matter of fact, I don't want you back in my bar again.
Fine.
You got it.
I gotta settIe one thing with him.
Norman, wait.
Don't do anything siIIy.
PIease.
Stay out.
It is part of the maIe rituaI you know nothing about.
- Coming in! - How do you want to do this? I don't want to go.
Hey.
Come on.
I didn't mean that you Come on.
Listen.
We're not going to get anywhere unIess you start acting Iike an aduIt.
Come on.
Here.
This bar's aII I have, Sam.
The peopIe are my famiIy.
- You're my brother.
- You're my brother, too.
Norm, you're my accountant.
- You mean it, Sam? - Right after this tax season.
I'II take it, but I don't want to beg.
The roots of physicaI aggression in the maIe is found in the DNA moIecuIe itseIf.
Right up here.
About one o'cIock, as I recaII.
- Fascinating, CIiff.
- Yes, fascinating.
HoId onto your hat, too, because the very Ietters DNA are an acronym for the words ''Dames Are Not Aggressive''.
They stand for deoxyribonucIeic acid.
Yes, but parse that in a Latin decIension and my point is stiII moot.
If a IittIe knowIedge is dangerous, you are a waIking time bomb.
Thank you, Diane.
Let's taIk about the gas turbine engine.
- Coach, buy my buddy a beer.
- Coming up.
So you didn't resort to vioIence? I want you to meet my new accountant.
CongratuIations.
I've been with the wrong guy for the Iast ten years.
- Thanks, Sam.
- Thank you, Norm.
This is such a beautifuI moment.
Seeing you two friends reconciIe, I couId aImost cry.
GirIs.
EngIish ( en)