Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Fortune and Men's Weight

FORTUNE AND MEN'S WEIGHT - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - How does a beer sound? - I finish 'em before they get a word in.
Aren't you a bit dressed up to come here and suck on taps? If you must know, I've other pIans for this evening.
I've a date.
- Who is it? - A bIind date.
- Dangerous.
- WaIking into a minefieId.
A friend set us up.
He assures me she's perfect for me.
That's what they aII say.
She had good tabIe manners, great personaIity and an exceIIent posture? They aIways make it sound good.
As a matter of fact, he said she was easy on the eye.
You're a dead man, Norm.
- Where do you want it? - Want what? I didn't order that.
- Cheers, right? - Yeah.
Coach, did you buy this? - Not me, Sam.
- Your name is on the invoice.
It's a mistake.
Why wouId I buy a crate? - It's an antique scaIe.
- I bought the scaIe.
Now that I Iook at it, I'm disappointed.
We're in a hurry.
Can you sign it? Why did you do this? Don't buy anything for the bar without checking with me.
I'm sorry, Sam.
That saIesman, I couIdn't resist him.
He had a way about him.
- One of those fast taIkers? - No.
Big taII skinny guy with a beard.
Reminded me of somebody in history.
The president who freed the sIaves.
- Abraham LincoIn? - OnIy this guy wasn't nice at aII.
As a matter of fact, he was kind of mean.
He reminded me of that IittIe guy in Germany with the moustache.
- AdoIf HitIer? - Don't pIay trivia with this guy.
A cross between Abraham LincoIn and HitIer? Normie, I don't know.
He was strange, Normie.
He was dressed in bIack, his eyes shined Iike coaIs and he had a deep voice and he said to me, ''This scaIe wiII not onIy teII you your weight, but it wiII teII you your destiny.
'' - He had an accent? - No.
Then why did you say it Iike your weight and your destiny? Just a IittIe coIour, CarIa.
- I'm caIIing him to say we don't want it.
- I'd Iike to see what it Iooks Iike.
And it teIIs your fortune.
- Go on.
Open it.
- Goody.
I'm stiII sending it back.
Coach, give Norman a screwdriver, pIease.
I've got a big date.
I don't want to get pits.
Come on.
It won't be that hard.
We'II stop you before your shoes get squishy.
Here's an opening hint from a guy who's opened a Iot of these rascaIs.
If you smack this baby here, it'II open up Iike a big waInut.
That's the epicentre of the fuIcrum.
Step back, Diane.
This thing'II shear your kneecaps off.
- Are you aII right? - I can't find my shoes, CIyde.
- I think the dog got them.
- Sit right here.
Here we go.
Let's get her out.
- Ain't that nice? - I Iike it.
Can we keep it? I'm afraid we're going to have to.
The number's been disconnected.
The guy's obviousIy a conman.
I knew he was a conman the minute I Iaid eyes on him.
As a coIIector of antiques, I think it might some day be worth what you paid for it.
Or a fraction thereof.
Sam, the saIesman aIso said, ''This scaIe is not being made any more.
'' ''This one was in a ceIIar for over 40 years.
'' Coach, you shouIdn't have bought it.
- This has been fun, but I gotta go.
- Normie, get on the scaIe.
See how you'II make out tonight.
Come on.
It doesn't have any fortunes Ieft after aII these years.
Do you get tired of being wrong? ''Your most troubIesome probIem wiII be soIved.
'' Sounds Iike you're going to get a trim on the oId antIers tonight.
Norm, what's your most troubIesome probIem? That's tough to say, Coach.
Let's see.
I'm overweight, unempIoyed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much.
I guess my biggest probIem is I've never been happier.
- I'm going next.
- Wait.
Men in uniform first, CarIa.
They Iove it.
It wiII be bigger than that amusement park in CaIifornia.
- The one with the mouse and the duck.
- DisneyIand.
You're tough, Sam, but I'm gonna get you.
- ''Sanderson, FIorist.
'' - What's the occasion, Sam? For Diane.
Did she die? - Of course not.
- Is she dying? Is she suffering? Throw me a bone.
No.
She'II be mad cos I didn't take her to some stupid art show.
FIowers are the way to caIm her down.
Hi.
Sanderson, FIorist? There's my guy.
Give me a big smoocheroo.
- You're not mad? - Of course not.
I just missed you so, you big Iug.
Keep up the good work.
- Hey, everybody.
- What's up, Normie? - The corners of my mouth.
- Sounds Iike that bIind date paid off.
It turns out my buddy pIayed a trick on me.
Guess who the date turns out to be? My ex.
Vera.
Ready for the punch Iine? We're back together.
Norman, that's wonderfuI.
I feeI so good, I'd Iike to set up the entire bar.
But as that's financiaIIy impossibIe, I'II settIe for buying CIiff a drink.
Thank you, Norm.
Chivas on the rocks.
What, 1 2-year-oId Scotch? I was thinking more Iike a beer.
Come on.
This is great news.
You got Vera back.
Yeah, Vera.
Not Nastassja Kinsky.
Vera.
Beer, Coach.
What's it Iike to go out on a bIind date and then you find out it's your own wife? WeII, we were both kind of nervous at first.
Then we spIit some cIams casino and a IittIe Chateaubriand, her favourite wine.
Next thing, we went back to what used to be our pIace andwe kind of made Iove.
You can't kind of make Iove.
You don't know Vera.
- Oh, my God! - What? It's happening! She's Iosing what's Ieft of her grey matter and I don't mean her underwear.
- What's wrong? - It's his fortune.
The machine said his worst probIem wouId be soIved and Vera's back.
CarIa, that was entireIy fortuitous.
You're right, Diane.
My IittIe card said I wouId hear from a distant Ioved one.
Sure enough, a haIf hour Iater, my daughter in PennsyIvania caIIs me.
No.
That doesn't count.
She aIways caIIs you.
- PennsyIvania's not that distant.
- She caIIed me from CaIifornia.
She's on vacation there.
It had nothing to do with your fortune, or Norman's.
Yeah? How about this? My fortune said, ''Time waits for no one.
'' Last night, I get home Iate and my kids had started a fire cooking their dinner.
- ExpIain that.
- Easy.
You're an idiot.
Look, there are things you eggheads can't expIain away in this worId.
Listen, nothing and nobody controIs what happens to us.
You had a Iucky piece when you pitched.
A Iot of good it did me.
The onIy battIes I ever won in Iife, I won on my own.
- That was briIIiantIy put.
- You said that to me a few days ago.
But you remembered it and used it in the proper context.
Yeah, they shouId carve his face on a mountain.
You've been with Diane so Iong, you can't see the facts in front of your nose.
This machine has powers.
I guess I shouId get on and see what the future hoIds for me.
Don't joke about this.
What on earth are you doing? I'm warding off eviI spirits.
If you weren't stupid, you'd do the same.
Preposterous.
- What does the card say? - What difference does it make? ''Deception in romance proves costIy.
'' You see.
You know how she feeIs about honesty.
She Iikes it.
- Honest as the day is Iong.
- AbsoIuteIy.
Now, can we aII go back to work, pIease? Good idea.
Are you aII right? That's $20 postage due, sir, and how are we today? - CIiff, you're in Cheers.
- Cheers.
Yes, sir.
I know where that is.
- Are you aII right? - Yeah.
Just bruised my knee.
I hope I'II be abIe to do my postaI round tomorrow.
- Do you want to get an X-ray? - No.
I'II just check it out here.
I'm fine.
Wait a minute, CIiff.
You got a fortune from that machine.
What was it? What was it? Did it say anything about faIIing down stairs? I remember.
It was ''TaIk to bigwigs''.
- What ''ooh''? - I don't know yet.
But there must be a connection.
- You're not in the baIIpark on this one.
- Wait.
I got it.
Bigwig, right? - Who is the biggest bigwig of them aII? - Sinatra.
- No.
Even bigger.
- RonaId Reagan.
- No.
Bigger.
- Sinatra.
If you ask me who runs this country, it's big oiI companies.
Who runs Texaco? At my station, Dave and his son Herbie.
Machmoud does the windows.
You can't get much bigger than Herbie, Dave and Machmoud.
I am taIking about God.
God is the biggest wig of them aII.
CIiff, did you pray before you Ieft home this morning? There you go.
If you had prayed, none of this wouId have happened.
Come on.
If you stretch it this far, you can make anything out of those fortunes.
- I hope this is nothing.
Mine was bad.
- What was it? It said, ''Your vaIuabIes are in jeopardy.
'' I'II show it to you.
It's in my waIIet.
Somebody Iifted my waIIet.
CarIa, wiII you take it easy? He'II owe you the tip.
How do you expIain that, Sammy? - I found it.
- What do you say about that, CarIa? It makes no difference.
The machine has been right up untiI now.
I say it's eviI.
It heard me.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
Stop it.
Everybody's Iooking.
Come on.
I don't want to hear any more about it.
It is not magic.
You can't take it seriousIy.
It's a sad worId we Iive in when Sam MaIone becomes the voice of reason.
What am I taIking for? Diane taIks good.
TeII them how dumb they're being.
You're being dumb.
Had enough? WeII, I guess I'd better get one more just to make sure it's safe to go home.
I can't Iook.
Sam, wouId you read it for me? Don't read it if it's terribIe.
It's OK.
''You wiII grow Iips on your forehead.
'' Very funny.
- It's OK.
See you tomorrow.
- Good night, CarIa.
See you, kid.
- Keep it up.
You'II pay.
- Thank you, CarIa.
Bye-bye.
- Night, Sam.
- Good night, Coach.
- What are you doing? - Seeing if I gained weight.
- You didn't.
Get off.
- What's wrong? You're acting strange.
- I'm acting fine.
- Let me get my weight here.
- Sam, don't.
- WiII you teII me what's going on? You're coming ungIued here.
I feeI Iike I'm Iosing my mind.
- That scaIe has me spooked.
- You're kidding me? You're the Iast person I expect to faII for that voodoo stuff.
- Do you remember that fortune I got? - No.
- ''Deception in romance proves costIy.
'' - So? I took another man to that show Iast night.
You mean, Iike a guy? At Ieast pay attention.
He's a cIassmate of mine.
A maIe cIassmate.
So you took some pimpIy wimp from schooI.
Big deaI.
His compIexion is as cIear as mine and we had a wonderfuI time.
At the performance? Of course he took me home.
And? I invited him in.
We had coffee.
He Ieft.
That was it.
Instant coffee or did you grind the beans? It wasn't the same as it is with you.
I didn't grind them fine.
You did grind the beans? AII we did was taIk.
- You didn't kiss him? - I kissed him good night.
It was nothing.
It was bareIy on the Iips.
On the side.
Very dry.
I have to be honest.
It was so good to taIk to someone.
I miss taIking about the things I can't taIk about with you.
I didn't teII you because you'd be angry.
- I'm not angry.
- Of course you are.
No, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, I'm kind of gratefuI.
I think I see our reIationship in a new Iight.
The truth is I don't fuIfiI aII your needs and you don't fuIfiI aII mine.
So maybe we shouId caII it quits.
What are you doing? I have one innocent evening with a guy.
I come to you to make a cIean breast of it and this is the reaction I get.
You're even Iess understanding than I feared.
Fine.
I want out of this.
Out of what? I aIready broke it off.
You said, ''Maybe we shouId caII it quits.
'' I'm saying it's definiteIy over.
Hey, I don't care what I said.
In my mind, it was definite.
That ship has saiIed.
Our reIationship is through.
No, we're not through, unIess I say we're through.
We're through.
Now we're through.
I'm not having an argument about who broke up with who first.
With somebody I broke up with.
I'm not going to acknowIedge your presence.
Is anybody here? Somebody I used to go with? No.
It's just Diane.
SiIIy me.
- Don't do this.
- It's aIready done.
Sam, pIease.
PIease don't joke about this.
I'm scared.
We can't break up because a piIe of metaI springs said we were going to.
There's too much at stake.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
- TeII me you didn't break up with me.
- Of course I didn't.
Then I'm first.
- You are history.
- That was a rotten Now I know why I broke up with you Iong before you broke up with me.
Who's taIking? It's just my empIoyer.
Sam, we got a fortune.
- So? - Aren't you going to read it? No.
What's the point? Our destiny may be in that card.
I know it.
I can feeI it.
- You're crackers.
You know that? - Then read it.
OK.
Fine.
You sure we shouId do this? We've got to.
There might be no other way.
AII right.
''Machine empty.
Order more fortunes today.
'' EngIish ( en)