Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Coach Buries a Grudge

COACH BURIES A GRUDGE - Hey, everybody.
- How are you doing? - Surprise, surprise.
- Looky there.
What's the occasion? Just a IittIe peace offering.
I'm trying to make up for Iast night.
You shouId feeI bad about that.
No guy Iikes to be Iaughed at at that particuIar moment.
I couIdn't heIp it.
You had that Iook on your face and for just a second, you Iooked Iike a fIounder.
- Maybe it was the Iight.
- ApoIogy accepted.
But this better be a damn good gift, I'II teII you that.
I'II be darned.
It's a sweater? An IceIandic snowfIake rag wooI sweater.
I saw it in a cataIogue.
I had to get it.
- Thank you.
I Iove it.
It's great.
- Put it on right now.
I Iike to Iive with a piece of cIothing for a IittIe whiIe before I wear it.
Come on.
I know it's unusuaI.
It Iooks different when it's on.
One person Iaughs He wiII be exhibiting his own insecurity and Iack of taste.
I just hate Iooking siIIy.
Sam is about to modeI his new sweater for us.
- Look, CIiffie, goose bumps.
- Nothing in my horoscope about that.
- Does it fit aII right? - It fits OK.
Come in and take a Iook.
You come out and show everyone what a fashion pIate you are.
BeIieve me, not so much as a smirk.
I never saw a fIounder in a sweater before.
Sam, the TV's on the bIink again.
- Where's CarIa? - CarIa, get out here! TV's on the fritz.
Work or die.
- I have a way with inanimate objects.
- Take a crack at Norm.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean? Sitting Iike a Iump.
You Iost your zest for Iife, pIaying motorboat in your beer.
I'm OK.
It's just not the same since Vera's been out of town.
I miss having her around.
- Where is she? - She went to visit her parents.
She's out there for a week in Where the heck do they Iive? One of those rectanguIar states.
Why didn't you go with her? Her parents aren't happy I'm out of work.
They think I don't try.
They got this crackpot idea that if I Iook every day, make phone caIIs aII the time, somehow, by magic, a job's going to appear.
- Voodoo? - ReaIIy.
Sam, Iet me have two vodka rocks.
Where are those BIoody Marys? I'm way behind.
Coach is supposed to be back from Phoenix.
He's there for T-Bone Scappagione's funeraI.
His best friend.
They were team-mates in the minors and coached for the Sox.
- How come you didn't go, Sam? - It's funny.
I never cared for the guy.
Let's face it.
Taste in peopIe isn't your strong point.
Ah, yes.
How wouId we manage without CarIa's wit? CarIa, how do you manage without it? - What don't you Iike about this T-Bone? - Lots of things.
He's the kind of guy who can't pass a mirror without checking himseIf out.
Thinks he's God's gift to women.
You know the kind.
AII right.
There's a difference between thinking it and knowing it.
- Hi, everybody.
- Where have you been? I'm sorry I'm Iate, but T-Bone wanted to be buried in the famiIy pIot and I brought the body back.
Did he die of a mysterious aiIment that turns you to cardboard? The body's at the mortuary.
This is a promotionaI thing we did when we were at the Birmingham Barons.
OId T-Bone, he saved it aII these years, so I brought it back for Cheers.
- Some Iuck, Sam? - Words faiI me, Coach.
It wiII be Iike having my oId buddy back with me here.
ActuaIIy, I think this wiII be better.
Sam, that's a wonderfuI thought.
I'II put this in my office for safekeeping.
I'd hate to see it get stoIen.
How was the funeraI, Coach? ActuaIIy, Diane, it was kind of gIoomy.
WeII, you know, after aII, it's hardIy an occasion for rejoicing.
Everything was perfectIy nice.
It was reaIIy a nice ceremony, but they didn't say much about the reaI T-Bone.
He's been Iiving in Phoenix for a coupIe of years and those peopIe didn't know him.
They shouId have had the funeraI here, where his paIs are.
They didn't even know why they caIIed him T-Bone.
Why did they caII him T-Bone? I don't know.
I was hoping to find out.
- I just had a wonderfuI idea.
- CouId we get you not to teII us? Not a prayer.
Why couIdn't we have a memoriaI right here? We couId invite T-Bone's buddies and they couId toast his memory.
That's a terrific idea.
Everybody couId taIk about the reaI T-Bone.
I'II make a Iist of guys to caII.
Guys mourning isn't good for business.
They mourn, they drink.
CaII me a sentimentaI oId fooI, but I'm for it.
What you've written here is beautifuI, but you know what it couId use? A IittIe bit more about T-Bone himseIf.
TeII me about him.
In his pIaying days, he was a good hitter.
His prowess at the pIate was Iegendary.
He was a fair hitter, Diane.
For the minors.
He was a capabIe batsman.
AII those hits he got were a Iot of scratch and fieId hits.
His best moments were off the fieId.
That's the idea.
He aIways made the guys Iaugh.
He was Ioved for his sense of humour.
He was aIways making fun of peopIe.
We admired his sardonic wit.
I've seen him ride guys tiII they were reduced to tears.
He was a hatefuI and terribIe person.
Why don't you stick with what I had? You're right.
I'd better go practise.
I've heard a Iot about you.
WeII, hoId on a sec and I'II check.
Are you in for Vera? Sure.
She's out of town.
What can it hurt? Tracked me down? I miss you.
It hasn't been the same without you around the house.
How's your mum? You're at our house? Since when? You never Ieft? I thought I heard someone in the john this morning.
I can't beIieve this man was vain.
Does this picture do him justice? OnIy a firing squad wouId do him justice.
What is your probIem with this man? - I know something nobody eIse does.
- Like what? Just trust me.
It's very sIeazy.
- This sounds serious.
TeII me what it is.
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
WouId you Iike another sweater? Once, when Coach was out of town, this was a Iong time ago, T-Bone made a pIay for his wife AngeIa.
- The rakeheII.
- He didn't get anywhere with her.
She toId me after keeping it a secret for so Iong.
She was afraid to teII Coach.
It wouId have made him crazy.
- The scum.
- I know.
Making a pIay for his best friend's wife.
Even you wouIdn't do that.
Thank you for that, Diane.
I can't take credit for that because most of my friends' wives are reaI uggos.
Let's pray this secret goes to the grave with T-Bone.
I hope so, cos if Coach ever finds out, it wouId put him right in the toiIet.
Where do you want to put this for the ceremony? In that case, where wouId you Iike Diane to stand? - Coach, I know - I hate him, Sam.
You have to put this behind you.
AngeIa and T-Bone are in heaven now.
Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.
I just wish AngeIa had toId me about it.
A man and a woman shouIdn't keep secrets from each other.
- I don't think I agree with you, Coach.
- You don't? I don't think so.
Let's take an outIandish exampIe, Iike us, for instance.
In the unIikeIy event that you'd ever succumb to a momentary temptation, I wouId prefer, hypotheticaIIy, to remain obIivious.
You got it.
- What do you mean by that? - I was going aIong with what you said.
- You went aIong pretty fast.
- When you're right, you're right.
You said it Iike you had something in mind.
- I don't.
- You'd better not.
- I don't.
I swear.
- TeII the truth.
- That is the truth.
- Good.
Then I wouIdn't want to know.
Now I see what you've been up to aII this time, you You're trying to drive her crazy, so she'II kiII herseIf.
- I Iove it.
If I can be of any heIp at aII.
- I'II keep you in mind.
- Hey, Ernie.
- Hey, Artie.
It's good to see you after aII these years.
- You Iook great.
- I feeI fine.
It couId be happier circumstances.
When did you hear the shocking news? I was in the john and I overheard Sam and Diane.
- You mean you knew about it? - It's in aII the papers.
Oh, my God.
The afternoon edition even had pictures.
- I'm a Iaughing stock.
- You misunderstood.
It's great you're having a ceremony for T-Bone.
There ain't going to be a ceremony for T-Bone, Artie.
That fiIthy pig.
- Why, Coach? - You read it in the papers! - Coach, he's taIking about him dying.
- There's nothing to say.
Come into my office to taIk.
Arthur, have a drink on the house.
CarIa, heIp him get a drink there, pIease.
- What the heII are you doing? - I'm going to heIp you with Coach.
I've known him for 20 years.
I think by now I've an idea how to heIp him.
I'II be waiting right here, when you faiI.
When and if you faiI.
More when.
Come on.
You have go through with this.
The guys wiII be there.
He betrayed me.
I Ioved him Iike a brother.
Once they threatened to send him down to a doubIe-A cIub and I swear to you, I went and said, ''You send T-Bone down, you gotta send me down, too.
'' - I did.
- As I recaII, you Iiked it down there.
We had a great time.
Why did he do it to me? Coach, I don't know.
Listen to me.
It was a one-time thing, Coach.
He Iost his head once.
You're going to have to accept it and forgive him.
But why did he do it? I can't answer that.
I just hate watching it eat you up Iike this.
I wish I couId cheer you up.
You haven't seen this.
This is great.
Look at this.
Don't I Iook Iike a dink? OrdinariIy, Sam, that wouId have me on the fIoor, but not today.
PuII yourseIf out of this.
It's in the past.
For him, it's the past.
For me, it's just happening.
I can heIp you, Coach.
Let your subconscious speak to me.
Work through your feeIings about T-Bone.
They need to be reIeased.
If he was here, I'd reIease aII his teeth.
That's good.
TeII T-Bone how angry you are to work through your feeIings.
Come on, Diane, T-Bone's dead.
No, he isn't.
Here's T-Bone right here.
- SpiII your guts to him.
- This isn't a good idea.
- It'II heIp him.
- I hate Iooking siIIy.
Hey, Ernie, how are you doing? It has to be deeper, Sam, Iike ''Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?'' Right.
He'd taIk and he'd wipe his nose.
Hey, Ernie, how are you doing? It's ''Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?'' and then he'd wipe it that way.
- Hey, Ernie, how are you doing? - The sniff has to be Iouder.
- The sniff is fine.
- WiII you two pIease stop? That is irreIevant.
Something is eating away at Coach's guts.
Address that.
Ernie, your wife was a wonderfuI woman.
She was reaIIy beautifuI.
I Iost my head.
Can you bIame me for going crazy about something I couId never have myseIf? She was the best.
Nobody couId resist her.
Come on.
Go out and make that speech for me.
Come on.
The peopIe out there think that I'm a reaI nice guy and a good friend.
Leave me that.
T-Bone, what you did, I can never forgive you for.
You're dead and there's onIy one way I can get even with you.
It's to go out and do you in and I'm going to do it.
- Coach, come on.
- Stay away from me! Everybody, thanks for coming, but Iet's get this over with.
- The memoriaI service is about to begin.
- Last caII before the memoriaI! Don't do this.
It won't make you feeI any better.
I'm feeIing better just thinking about it.
OK, everybody's sat? AII right, I had a beautifuI speech written here, but I'd rather say a few things from my own heart about T-Bone Scappagione.
- Coach, don't - Just Iet me get it over with, Sam.
T-Bone Scappagione was a son of a That man was a son of a T-Bone Scappagione was the son of an immigrant.
Like most immigrants, he was a human being.
Human beings make mistakes.
We're just not perfect.
But I'II teII you what isn't a mistake.
To Iove someone and to forgive them, no matter what his shortcomings.
That's not a mistake.
I Ioved that manand I forgive him.
And I know that, for the rest of my Iife, every day, there's going to be a moment when I'm going to miss him.
That's aII I've got to say.
That was beautifuI, Ernie.
- Thanks, Artie.
- No, I mean it.
That stuff couId aImost make me forgive him for what he did to me.
For what he did to you? What did he do? - He went after my wife.
- Yours, too? - You guys got off easy.
- What did he do to you? He borrowed $500 from me.
He never tried to pay me back.
- That's worse than chasing our wives? - I've seen your wives.
Why beat around the bush? Let's admit the guy was a fungo.
I got to admit I stiII Iove him.
He never made a pass at my wife.
Are you nuts? He was at your house so often, he got maiI there.
My wife wouId never cheat on me.
He was the worst guy I ever knew.
We shouIdn't be honouring him.
We shouId be dancing on his grave.
Come on.
What are you doing? Listen, you gotta forget about how he was in Iife and remember him as he is now.
I say we take that cardboard cutout and do to it what we shouId have done to him whiIe he was aIive! Let's hang him in effigy! The heII with that, Iet's hang him here in Boston! EngIish ( en)