Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Bet

BAR BET - Chekhov.
- No, Norm, it was Ibsen.
It was Chekhov It was "The Cherry Orchard.
" You're full of it.
It was Ibsen, "The Master Builder.
" - It was Chekhov.
- Ibsen, Ibsen, Ibsen.
- Chekhov, Chekhov - Ibsen! Excuse me.
I don't mean to stop you, but you are talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen? Of course we're talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen.
This is wonderful! Perhaps I might be of some assistance.
I would love to contribute to your literary enquiry.
- I suppose she can help? - Please, please.
- If anybody can, you can.
- I'd like to think so.
OK, what were you watching on TV that night when Norm gorged on cheese doodles and whistled "The Way We Were"? Ibsen.
And it was taco chips.
- Pay up.
Let's go.
- All right.
I guess it was Chekhov and cheese doodles the night Artie tried to comb his hair with his feet.
Yeah, you're on thin ice arguing the classics with me.
- Hey, Sammy, long time.
- How have you been? - About the same.
You? - I never change.
- What'll you have? - My usual.
You still drinking that stuff? - Who is that guy? - I don't know.
He's your friend.
I don't know him.
You guys? He's never been here before.
I'm very good at placing faces.
Yeah? Then place yours where we can't see it.
- I wish Coach were here, he'd know.
- Where is he? He went to get his driver's licence renewed, he'll be back next week.
- Why so long? - He went to Vermont.
He heard the test was easier there.
Why don't you just ask him his name? Better a minute of embarrassment than look a fool.
No, it'd be too easy.
I can handle this.
You know how good I am at thinking on my feet.
I've seen you add and subtract on them.
- Subtraction must kinda hurt? - Watch and learn.
Instead of your usual, I thought you might like a Manhattan.
- Manhattan is my usual.
- Gotcha! - How's work? - Fine.
You still work in the same place? It had a real funny name - My house.
- Right! I still get a kick out of that.
I'm still working the same crummy job, stuffing envelopes, but I'm glad you find that funny.
I didn't mean funny in the humorous sense.
I meant funny more in the Who the hell are you? - I'm Eddie Gordon.
- Eddie Eddie Gordon? I don't know who he is.
A year ago, you bet me your bar you could marry Jacqueline Bisset - by midnight tomorrow.
- Come on, who the hell would Oh, Eddie Gordon.
Jeez, how the hell are you, Eddie? - Is it coming back to you, Sam? - Yeah.
I'm a little hazy, I had a few too many that night.
- You had a lot too many that night.
- I was going through a rough period.
How are you and Jackie getting along? You didn't invite me to the wedding.
I must have been drinking tequila.
I always want Jacqueline Bisset when I drink tequila.
But I bet you don't always write it down, signing your name in front of witnesses.
- I did that, too? - Yeah.
Keep it, it's a copy.
Listen, this was obviously a joke, Eddie.
I'm no expert, but I know a little bit about the law and this sounds like a crock.
You'll never own this bar.
When I take over, I'm thinking of serving free chicken wings.
Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.
What do you say to those little meatballs, get a Sterno flame - Eddie, as a drinking partner, you stink! - I'm sorry you feel that way, Sam.
I'll see you tomorrow at midnight, when the bar becomes mine.
You've thought about serving crab puffs? Melvilles does them in mustard sauce.
If you're serious about this, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Most snakes don't.
We'll find out in court.
My attorney's looked it over, he says we've got a shot.
Don't get upset, you'll still have your job.
I'm going to need a bartender.
You actually went out drinking with that man? That's not the worst.
I picked up the bill.
- This has to be a joke, doesn't it? - Let an attorney take a look at that.
You know of one, or did you finally pass your bar exam using the pity clause? When I pass my bar exam, Cliff, you're going to eat your words.
Yeah, if I got any teeth left.
What do you think, Mr Witless for the prosecution? It seems you signed an agreement with Eddie which may or may not be binding.
Tom, knock off the legalese.
Talk to us in a language we can understand.
Trust me, Sam, this thing won't hold up.
You were drunk, right? It's not a contract, it's a wager.
You'll win this case easy.
Tom's right.
Let Eddie press his case.
We'll get a good lawyer and make a monkey out of him.
- Oh, boy, oh - What? What's wrong? If you don't trust Tom, get a second opinion.
No, it's not that.
I can't let Eddie take me to court.
Why? I'd have to testify that I was drunk and made an idiot out of myself.
You're worried about the publicity? The press wasn't exactly kind to me when I drank myself out of baseball.
I'd almost rather lose the bar than be humiliated again.
Oh, Sam.
Quit acting human, it confuses me.
I don't suppose you could marry her? Yeah.
Find, meet, woo Jacqueline Bisset in two days? It'd take at least a week.
- You kidding? Five working days, tops.
- Wait, I've got an idea.
You've actually conceived something besides a child? A bitter and unprovoked attack.
- I like it.
- What have you got? Sam, this doesn't say anything about having to marry Jacqueline Bisset, the movie actress.
There's got to be more than one Jacqueline Bisset.
Marry one, win the bet and get a quick divorce.
Eddie won't be able to say a thing.
All I have to do is find another Jacqueline Bisset and marry her? - It can't be that simple.
- Sam Hush, hush, I'm thinking.
Someone note the date and the time.
We've got to call information all over the country.
I think I can help you out there.
I have the phone books of every major city in the country.
- Why? - I just collect phone book cover art.
One of those.
This'll be fun.
We'll find anybody called Bisset, ask if they have a relative named Jacqueline and get them to come here.
- Are you with me? - Yeah! - So much for the Sun Belt.
- Norm! You Philistine, you just put a fold in "Sunrise Over Albuquerque".
Hey, boys I'd expect there'd be a few Jacqueline Bissets.
It can't be that uncommon.
I got a Jacqueline Bisset on the phone.
- Paydirt! - She sounds sweet, but there's a catch.
She's 93, she lives in a rest home in Maine.
- So is she married? - I didn't ask.
Are you married? Got a 94-year-old husband, been married 73 years.
Happy years? I just talked to a man in Green Bank, West Virginia, with a grand-daughter named Jacqueline Bisset, 25-years-old and unmarried.
- Let me talk to her.
- I already did.
Jackie will be here tomorrow morning.
- How did you do it? - A little ingenuity.
I told her she'd won a trip to Boston in a radio game show.
- Just convince her to marry you.
- I could kiss you.
Yeah, you can.
But I warn you, you're not going to get anywhere.
- I offered prizes to induce her to come.
- That's OK, like what? Free round-trip air fare, first class, suite at the Ritz, free historical tour, matched set of luggage.
- Why not offer her a car? - I did, but she took the cash instead.
Only kidding, Sammy.
The point is, she'll be here.
You're right, you're right.
My problems are over.
Aren't you forgetting one important step? You still have to get her to marry you.
It's no problem.
As soon as I get her face-to-face, she'll fall under my spell.
- You killer.
- Sam, your vanity knows no bounds.
I guess I ought to wear my best outfit.
Diane, when you dream of me, what am I wearing? An ant hill.
Congratulations, Coach.
All the weeks of cramming and drilling with your friends, it's all paid off.
We're proud of you.
All right.
Take care.
- Coach passed his driver's test? - No, he found Vermont.
- When's your ex-wife-to-be to be here? - She's supposed to be here now.
Cliff was meant to pick her up two hours ago.
- Are you ready? - I don't know.
What do you think? Yes! Any girl would jump at the chance to marry you.
Sam, there is one problem, however.
I believe I detect a hint of fresh air coming through your cologne.
You're kidding.
I must have missed a couple of important pulse points.
Thank you.
This is "Cheers", Miss Bisset.
That's Sam Malone.
Well, he is good-looking.
The bad news is he talks.
- Miss Bisset, Sam Malone.
- Oh, boy, thank you for coming.
Cliff, set those bags down here.
Come and sit down by the bar.
Listen, did Cliff explain why we need you? Yes, he did, and I'm not marrying anybody except in the usual way, where the groom isn't a total stranger.
I understand that, but this isn't like a real marriage.
It's just for a few hours, until I win a bet, then we'll get it annulled tomorrow.
Why not consider it a warm-up for the real thing? I'm sorry, I'm just not interested.
I almost didn't make this trip when I thought it was a legitimate contest.
But I said to myself, "Jackie Bisset, nothing like this will happen again.
" So I kissed my dog, Smiley, and waved goodbye to my pa, and here I am.
Knock it off! You don't talk like that.
Listen, I know this whole thing's been handled in a very stupid way.
But I really am in a jam here.
I tell you what, we promised you a guided tour, why don't I show you the sights, and I'll explain my whole story.
I know where to start, City Hall.
It's historic and we'll get a marriage licence.
- I really don't think so, no.
- Come on.
Why not? You have a chance to help one of the greatest guys in the world.
- I barely know him.
- Let me fill you in.
Anybody here would do anything for this guy.
Right? That's right.
Look, look.
Just hear him out, please, all right? I never have been to Boston.
I always wanted to see it.
I tell you what, you tell me your story and I'll think about it.
You got a deal.
You'll love this, the Sam Malone pre-nuptial tour.
We'll start of with the USS Constitution, then we'll go to the Old North Church, Paul Revere's house, and then we'll top it off with the traditional Boston blood test.
- All those places are in Boston? - Yes, Norman.
This town is a treasure-trove of historical monuments.
That's really something.
Thousands of people flock to Boston to see all those sights, and soak up a lot of American heritage, and I sit here in a bar, night after night, guzzling beer.
- It's sad, isn't it? - Yeah.
But, hey, no one's forcing them.
It's getting late.
Sammy must be having a hard time talking Jackie into it.
Yes, and if he doesn't get back in a year, his cologne will wear off.
I don't know why he's going to this trouble.
I discussed this case with my law professor.
Was that before he scratched himself and ate a banana? Are you calling him an ape? You know something, one of these days I'm going to I don't know what.
That man would be magnificent in front of a jury.
Sam, thank you so much.
That was the most fun day of my whole life.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Sit down, I'll make you a cup of tea.
Boston is such a lovely city.
When we were on the Constitution, somebody recognised Sam.
I didn't know he was a celebrity.
Cut the chit chat.
Is Mammy Yokum going to marry you or not? Well, she hasn't decided.
- What do you say, Jackie? - I don't know.
Sam, I always thought my wedding day would be beautiful and special.
It will be.
We'll get a minister and have it right here.
You think that's beautiful and special? Maybe you're asking the wrong guy.
It's quarter to twelve, I don't have much time.
Either you say yes now or I'll have to think of something else.
And he's already thought once today.
- This is all happening so fast.
- Fast? It's been eight hours.
By the time I knew my ex-husband that long, he'd already cheated on me.
Well I was always raised to believe you should help people when you can.
I'm getting married! Do you mind if I call home first? I'd like to tell my pa about it.
Sure, come into my office here.
And don't forget to tell Billy-Joe-Bob-Jim.
Don't take too long, we don't have much time.
Oh, boy.
- Sam, I have dire news.
- Good or bad? That was Justice Fiedler's secretary.
He's running a little late.
- What has he got to do? - Well, his wife is having a baby.
So? His work was finished a long time ago.
I'm sorry, but what do I do now? We don't have time to call someone else.
It's not as though we have Justices of the Peace and ministers in here.
Don't be too sure, my son.
- You, Norman? - Yeah.
In the '50s I sent a dollar to a church advertising in "Rolling Stone".
I'm an official minister of the Church of the Living Desert.
- Did you want to get out of the draft? - No, we were just goofing around.
We were at the accounting club, getting high smelling adding machine ribbons.
It seemed funny, I don't know.
In that mindless state even this business used to seem funny.
- It reminded me of something else.
- Hello.
Oh, Justice Fiedler! - Thank you so much for coming.
- Sorry I'm late, I just became a father.
We're all thrilled now get your buns over here.
We only have a few minutes.
- Carla, stay out of this.
- Here's your pulpit.
We are in a hurry.
Could you do this quickly? Yes, I see there's a certain urgency.
By the way, it's a boy.
Nine pounds! Just what the world needed.
- Hello, everybody.
- You're just in time, Eddie, for my wedding to Jacqueline Bisset.
- Don't make me laugh.
- Come here.
- See her, the girl on the phone? - Wow, Jacqueline Bisset.
What happened to her? It's not the movie star, Eddie.
The bet was Jacqueline Bisset and that's her name.
She's got ID to prove it.
- What is this, a trick? - No, he's winning the bet.
Why don't you call Sam the winner and forget the whole thing? - You're going to marry her? - You bet.
- This is JP Fiedler.
- Yes, and father of the miracle baby.
Give it a rest, will you? I don't know if it's necessary for you to go to all this trouble.
- Are you calling the bet off? - No, he has an arrangement in mind.
That's right.
Maybe we can work out a settlement.
- That's what you've been after all along.
- Quiet, blondie! Yeah.
This is between us men of the world.
I'll consider dropping the whole matter for maybe five grand.
- You'll get nothing from me, Eddie.
- All right, Sam.
I'll consider it square if you give me and a date free drinks for life.
- No.
- Do it, Sam.
I'd like to see what would go out with him.
Besides me, I mean.
Well, he kinda grows on you.
- Free drinks for the rest of the year? - No.
One on the house? - Not a chance.
- Gee, come on, Sam.
How about one of those olives with the pimento in? You think about this the next time you shoot your mouth off in some bar.
Drinks on the house! You see, I always land on my feet.
Sometimes on somebody else's.
You've thought about what you've done to that girl? - Which one? - Jackie.
That's right, she still thinks we're getting married.
- She didn't want to do it anyway.
- Did you see the look on her face? She's a simple girl from a rural environment who finds herself in the city being entertained by a slightly attractive semi-celebrity.
How could her head not be turned? Yeah, maybe you're right.
You think I laid on the charm too thick? Yes, but she's a farm girl, she's used to stepping around such things.
Sam, guess what? I told my pa all about this, and he's a baseball fan and he remembers you, sort of.
That was the kind of player I was.
- Isn't that great? - Yeah.
- Yeah! Boy, this will be sticky.
- What are we waiting for? You know Will you do this? You're a little smarter than me.
I'm a lot smarter than you are.
This paper napkin is a little smarter.
- Jackie, there'll be no wedding today.
- What about the bet? The bet was called off.
Sam gets to keep his bar.
- Oh Well, that's good.
- Yes.
Let's be honest.
Weren't you falling for Sam just a little? - Sam? No! - Come on, he's a very attractive man.
Almost as attractive as he thinks he is.
He only stopped complementing himself once, to ask if I wanted to.
- I like you.
- I like you, too, Diane.
Say, you must see the girls Sam goes out with.
What sort of girl would fall for Sam? Pathetic wretches.
It would have to be someone lacking in self-respect, as shallow as he is and as empty-headed.
Is Diane making you feel a little bit better about what happened? - Yes, she is.
- Good.
She'd be the one to understand.
You know, this little filly and I - More tea? - Thank you.