Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Belles of St. Clete's

CLETES - Morning, Sammy.
- Norm.
What brings you in this time? - Same thing that always does.
- A little early for a beer.
So float a cornflake in it.
Beer it is.
Seriously, how come you're here this early? My supervisor had to go home early.
So he left me in charge of the office.
So I closed it.
Thought I'd stop by, have a few beers and figure out what to do with the day.
After all, I have 24 golden hours to spend on Norm Peterson.
- Any suggestions? - I'd be out there sailing.
Perfect weather, the waters won't be crowded.
I get seasick, though.
I don't know.
Well, you can always go to the driving range and work on your slice.
No, I don't have my clubs with me.
How about checking out that gym you've been putting off joining? I'm not in the mood for sweat.
- Set up that workshop in your garage.
- I'd have to clean it all out first.
You could sit here all day shooting down my ideas and drinking beer.
Wait a minute.
I think we're onto something.
Let's hear some more of those suggestions.
- Let's see, how about skydiving? - Nah, mess up my hair.
There's a lovely young thing.
Perhaps I should just go make my move.
Yeah, go ahead and faint.
Yeah, all right.
Some of you have gotten the impression that I'm inexperienced in the ways of love.
How many women do I have to conquer to lay to rest this misconception? One.
All right.
I wasn't going do this, but look what I got in the mail this morning.
- What does that say? - "Inflatable Surprises Catalogue.
" My mother sent away for it.
She likes to play tricks on the cat.
This is the one I was looking for.
What's the name on there? Lanette Cahill.
The Orange Blossom Motel.
Cliffy, who's this? Some damsel in Florida who I had a delightful affair with while visiting.
Poor thing.
She just keeps begging me to come back to her.
We're not falling for any of this.
Why don't you believe that Cliff had an affair in Florida? - What? - I believe him.
I mean she could have been drunk, blind, just out prison - Thank you.
- Carla, you got a customer.
Honey, what is it? Is it the baby? - Baby, hot water, Sam.
- What's going' on? - What? What happened? - It's her.
It's the Evil One.
- Where? What? - Over there at table five.
- The little old lady? - Drusilla Dimeglio.
She was the principal at St.
Clete's School for Wayward Girls.
We all hated her guts.
She used to do these mean, spiteful things to us.
I swore vengeance but she retired before I could do anything.
It's been 20 years.
Are you sure it's her? There's one way to make sure.
She has my teeth mark on her left ankle.
- Go check it out, Sam.
- OK, all right.
- What am I going for? - I can't do it.
She'll recognise me and then I'll lose her.
Come on, you got do this for me.
Why don't I just ask her name? That would arouse suspicion.
Crawl over there and look at her ankle.
Much better.
No, I am not going anywhere.
Go wait on her yourself.
All right, I will.
You all just watch and see what happens when she gets a look at me.
- What will you have? - I'll have gin and grapefruit juice.
She doesn't recognise me.
That means that I can take my time and work out my plan for revenge.
- She did have a mark on her ankle? - Mark, schmark.
It must have healed.
I'll think of something slow and hideous.
- I have a suggestion.
- What? - Do nothing.
- With the body? No, I'm telling you to turn the other cheek.
Mooning her isn't enough.
I want to hurt her.
We haven't had any heat for hours.
What can you recommend that's nice and hot? Speaking.
Must you inject sex into even the simplest of conversations? I didn't want you to go without it while you were in Europe.
- I want for nothing in Europe.
- I'm sure that's what you're getting.
You know what I mean.
In fact, I think I see my shushing hunk skiing down the mountain right now.
Yes, that's Frasier.
He's able to ski right down to the back door of our chalet.
Sam, I have to go.
I'll call you right back.
- Thank you, good people of the Alps.
- Bravo, bravo.
Thank you.
Give me a minute here.
That's quite a hill, isn't it? - You were magnificent.
- That was exhilarating.
It worries me.
These risks you're taking.
Some men live their lives avoiding danger.
Frasier W.
Crane seeks it.
Frasier, let me put these away for you so we can both get off our feet.
You just relax and make yourself comfortable.
Tonight is your night.
That's the spirit.
The capper of all time was when we glued Sister Scholastica to the radiator.
Who could forget the Frying Nun? Those were the good old days.
Life was simple then.
You two started packing it away at lunch when I said I was paying.
Me and the kid was just trying to keep up with her quadruplets.
I've already got six more than I can handle.
- You have only five kids.
- I'm including my husband, Al.
Who, if he touches me again, is dead.
Four mugs and a pitcher for me and my pals from St.
You know something? I envy all of you.
Sure, I'm the one with the education, the money and the career, but I'd trade my electrolysis license in for a family.
Mine's available.
By the way, I can get rid of that little Fu Manchu you're starting there.
Man of my dreams.
- Sorry, I can't take them anywhere.
- It's all right.
Four beers for the lynch mob.
I didn't mean to ruin your wonderful surprise there.
Don't go away.
Casanova, any new letters from your Florida conquest? Well, as a matter of fact, I did receive one today.
Each one gets more heart-rendering than the last.
She tells me she'd give it all up just for my kiss.
She must mean her lunch.
- All right, wise guy.
- Come on, let's go shoot some pool.
Good idea, Normie.
You're lucky I used up my aggressive male hormones with frequent sex.
We're all here.
Now you can tell us what this is about.
I am glad you're sitting down because you are not going to believe this.
I didn't believe it myself.
I've found Dimeglio.
- Our principal from St.
Clete's? - I heard she passed away.
Hell wouldn't take her.
She comes in every night at seven, sits at this table and has a gin and grapefruit.
- And she will be here again tonight.
- So what? So what? This is our chance to pay her back for all those things she did to us.
Carla, that was 20 years ago.
We were just girls.
But we took an oath that we'd get her.
Don't you remember? She's coming.
Get behind the bar.
- Carla, come on.
- Get behind the bar.
Don't worry.
All the hate's going to come back as soon as you look at her.
- Hey, ladies.
- Get down.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Would you take this table? That one's taken.
- What are you going to have? - Gin and grapefruit juice.
- One gin and grapefruit.
- Coming up.
He liked your order and I'm going to get it.
What do you think? That's not her.
She was a lot taller.
We were shorter.
I don't think so either.
She was two times as big as that.
She lost weight.
She's wearing contacts instead of glasses.
That's her.
I swear it.
It's been a long time, but I don't think it's her either.
- So what if it is? Who cares? - Get down! I care.
If you don't want to help me, I'll get her without you.
- Fine.
'Cause I don't want any part of it.
- Desert me.
Just stay there because I don't want her to see you.
- What are we supposed to do here? - Find some way of amusing yourselves.
Carla's been moping around 'cause none of her chums will back her up on this.
She's got so much anger bottled up, I'm afraid she's going to hurt someone.
And without you here, I'm next in line.
Sam, it would never come to that.
Carla has a means of dealing with anger that's very effective.
She vents it in small doses to prevent a build-up that might erupt in violence.
It's a technique that many hot-tempered, uneducated people evolve instinctively and though it's primitive it is as effective as more sophisticated techniques cultivated by better-educated people with gentler tempers Stop that, damn it.
Please, just until I'm finished.
Certainly, dearest heart.
Thank you, love of my life.
I'm sorry.
What was I saying? You don't know either? We must have a rule.
When you speak at least one of us has to be listening.
- Give my best to Frasier.
- Bye.
Well, may I proceed with my labour or would my precious like to perform the task of getting heat in this place? No, please finish, my reason for living.
You spoiled little conniving treasure.
Two beers, please.
One for me and one for my buddy, Cliff.
Cliff, the fella who's in the john without this.
The latest letter from his Florida flame.
It fell out of his pocket.
What a shame.
We should get that back to him as soon as possible.
And indeed we will, Sammy.
Just as soon as he gets out here.
In the meantime, I think it's imperative that we hold the letter thusly.
Why? Because if you were to hold it the other way, it's an accident waiting to happen.
I think we got a problem here.
The trick is going to be to get that letter into this envelope without reading it.
- I'm game.
- Yeah, why don't you? - It no longer fits, Sam.
- No.
Going to have to read this.
"Dear Mr Clavin, this letter's the last one.
"If you don't respond, I will turn the matter over to my attorney.
"I will wait one week for you to pay for or return the motel towels, "ashtrays, light bulbs and shower curtain assembly, including rod, "missing from your room.
Lanette Cahill.
" - The poor guy.
- I was hoping he wasn't blowing hot air.
Interesting reading? - I'm sorry.
- I'm more sorry.
Guys, Norm has the letter.
Hey, Steve.
Larry, Norm has the letter.
- Just knock it off.
- Is it as hot as Cliff says? - Let's read it.
- We're not minors here.
My dearest Cliff Well, if you must.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
You are burning in my heart like - Like? - I can't make this out.
Can you, Sam? - It's volcano.
- Volcano.
I think of you at night when I go to bed and in the morning when I wake up.
And I dream about you in between when I'm sleeping.
Admittedly when most people dream.
You're quite a man, all right.
And that's for darned sure.
And you satisfy every hunger that I have as a woman.
Respectfully yours, Lanette Cahill.
Read them the P.
where she talks about my sexual prowess in detail.
- Can't make that part out.
- Read it.
I'll help you.
This word here is gargantuan.
All right, Cliff.
We've seen quite enough.
- Good night, you guys.
- Good night.
I don't know how to thank you.
I'm just sorry I opened it in the first place.
- I'll buy you a burger.
- Listen - Good night.
- Good night, Sammy.
- There's a way to make it up to me.
- What's that? Read me the letter again.
You know, the spicy part.
My dearest Cliffie, I want you You OK? I can't believe they didn't recognise her.
I didn't think anybody could forget her.
Face facts, Carla.
Nobody recognised her because that's not the woman.
- But - She didn't have scars on her ankles.
That doesn't mean anything.
Criminals have their ankles altered.
- Jeez - So they can wear shorts.
You're ranting.
You're sounding irrational.
You're beginning to scare me.
I think you have to take a serious look at yourself.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
What were you going to do if it had been her? I had this storybook fantasy when I was a little girl about someday coming up behind her and shaving her head.
I'm glad it turned out to be somebody else.
- I guess.
- Look at that, will you? - I'm late.
- You got a date? - Yeah.
- Go ahead.
I'll clean up.
Thank you, Carla.
I thank you and Debbie thanks you.
You're going out with Janet tonight, bean brain.
Well then Janet really thanks you.
I wanted her as much as you did.
- Good.
Someone's here.
- It's her.
- Can I help you? - I think I dropped my wallet here.
Well, let me find it for you.
Let me see.
I got it.
- Thank you.
- Not so fast.
I have to be absolutely sure about this, you know.
- What's your name? - Drusilla Dimeglio.
Thank you.
Do you believe in fate, Drusilla Dimeglio? Well, I never thought about it.
Well, why don't you sit down and we'll have a little talk about it? - I think you'll find it interesting.
- I'm kind of in a hurry.
One chair.
No waiting.
Who's back there? Sam, is that you? I was driving by and saw the lights still on.
- You won't believe this.
- What? After you left, I was sitting here all by myself and guess who should walk in? Drusie.
- Drusie? - Yeah, Drusilla Dimeglio.
- Carla, bring me another beer.
- Coming up, Drus.
- She's back there? - We've been playing pool all night.
- We're tight, Sam.
- So it is her? Yeah, it's her all right.
But you know something, Sam? After I told her I hated her, she explained to me why she was so tough on me.
She was just doing her job.
And maybe I'm a better person for it.
- Anyway, we're pals now.
- I can't believe this.
I'm so proud of you.
- This is a turning point.
- Yeah.
Maybe we've seen the last of that Tasmanian devil of a waitress.
- Bring some more pretzels, too.
- All right, right away.
That's the woman whose head you were about to shave.
I almost went through with it, too.
I came that close and I could have done it easy.
I mean, she's not as young as she used to be.
But I stopped.
God was testing me, Sam.
And I passed.
- Hello there.
Come on, it's your turn.
- Yeah, I'll be right with you.
I didn't say I got an "A", Sammy.
I just said I passed.
Rack them up.