Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Woody Goes Belly Up

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong, Mr Peterson? It's my anniversary, I have nothing for Vera, and stores are closed.
Normie's in big trouble now.
Will Mrs Peterson give you the cold shoulder? It's not the cold shoulder I mind.
It's the hard knee.
Well, not to worry there, Norm.
I think with your wit and resourcefulness, you'll come up with a suitable gift.
You're absolutely right, Cliffie.
I tried.
I'm doomed.
I know where there's a gas station open.
Why don't you get her a can of 40-weight.
- Very funny.
- Hey, why not give her the best gift of all, Mr Peterson? A night of romance.
Carla, where's that gas station at? Come on.
Come on, Norm.
You can do better than that.
- What? - That ashtray's better than that.
Come on, man.
Ashtray, huh? It's a little shoddy, but You know, with a nice pack of cigarettes or something, a nice snappy new pack of matches, I think we got something here.
- Hey, hey, hey, Norm! - Does Vera even smoke? Oh, yeah, she's been known to smoke.
Occasionally after sex.
Usually during.
Well, not the best I've had, but it'll serve.
Refill, Sam.
Frasier, I'm not sure how to get into this, but your bar bill's up to 500 dollars.
My God.
Really? I'm shocked.
Well, I promised myself that if I reached 500 dollars, I'd quit.
So that does it.
I'll raise my limit to 1,000.
I hope you understand it's just business, but 500's a little out of my comfort zone there.
Oh, I understand, Sam.
Seems nobody wants to pay a man for sitting around and drinking all day.
Yeah, it's a world gone mad, huh, Fras? Sam, I've come to a very important decision.
I've just taken stock of myself.
It's not exactly AT&T, is it? I'm gonna pick up the pieces of my shattered life.
But in order to do that, you gotta hit rock bottom first.
For you, that's three flights up.
Carla, you wanna see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt? Spoilsport.
- Sam, you are my inspiration.
- Well, thank you.
You, too, were a worthless, drooling drunk.
Carla, hold it a second.
Sam, I'm sorry.
See, the point is that you pulled yourself together.
I have to rebuild my life, my career, my reputation, my self-esteem.
I'm no longer worthy to practice psychiatry, but I'm gonna make myself worthy.
I'll start at the lowest, most menial level.
- Sam, who sweeps the floors here? - Me and Woody.
Mostly Woody.
All right, Woody.
Well, let me do it for both of you.
- You can pay me whatever you'd like.
- Oh, gee, Frasier.
I don't know.
No, Sam, I know you think it's beneath me, but I really need this now.
No, no, I just don't know where Woody put the broom.
Maybe if you try in the back closet there.
I mean, it's okay with me, but you sure you want Diane to see this? Yes.
Let her confront her guilt for what she's wrought by her refusal to work out our relationship.
And if I have a scintilla of psychological acumen left, when she sees my humiliation, she'll eat her liver.
What's Frasier doing? Well, he's the new janitor.
Poor Frasier.
I had no idea he'd take it so hard.
This is my saddest romantic legacy.
But I refuse to hold myself responsible.
Do I beg men to fall in love with me? I certainly hope not.
I'd like to think I was special.
Have you made any friends since you moved to Boston? A few, if you count cats.
You're really cute.
I'd love to have a friend like you.
Look, Sam.
Could we be in on the inception of a budding romance? You talking about a foursome here? How can you make a sweet, innocent flirtation into something tawdry? I could tell you, but it'd be a lot more fun to show you.
So, Woody, maybe we could go out for coffee after you get off work.
Oh, gee, Lisa, I'd like to, but I gotta - I gotta do something else.
- What? I don't know, but I gotta start right now.
Excuse me.
My God.
I don't think I've ever seen a man Woody's age so painfully shy around women.
That young lady asked him out.
He refused her.
- Two beers, Sam.
- Well, maybe Maybe she came on too strong.
Some guys don't like that.
Well, I know how the lad feels.
I mean, in the mating ritual, I like to be the aggressor.
Of course, I don't mind a woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.
You mean like sticking a finger down her throat? Woody hasn't had a date since he came to work here.
Well, look, later on tonight, I'm gonna go cruising for chicks, a popular pastime among virile studs of today.
I'll take Woody along.
There's not a man yet that's come back from a Clavin love safari without some trophy to hang on his game-room wall.
Especially the horns, you know.
Hey, Woody.
Lookit, later on, I'm going out scouting for chickereenios.
- You wanna come? - Well, sure.
What is that, some kind of cereal? I'm not sure, but I think he means girls.
Yeah, that's right.
Come on, Wood.
Look, I got this great pickup line.
We pull up next to this cute-looking babe, right? I say, "Hey, my friend likes you.
" Yeah, and if that doesn't work, Cliff throws an egg at her.
It's great.
That sounds like swell times, but I'm not much in the mood for it.
Woody, would you mind if I stuck my big fat nose in your affairs? Stick your big fat nose wherever you like, Miss Chambers.
There's no need to hide your feelings.
You're afraid of ladies rejecting you, aren't you? No, it's not so much that.
It's just that Well, I got this problem.
What problem? We at Cheers always share our problems.
Besides, we kind of ran out of things to talk about, so we'd appreciate it.
All right.
There's this girl back home named Beth Curtis, and she is the most wonderful girl in the world.
We dated ever since we were kids, but last year we split up.
You know, I wanted to travel around and see the world.
She wanted to stay in lndiana.
At first I thought it would be okay but now I just can't seem to get her out of my mind.
Everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I see reminds me of her.
Poor kid, huh? Oh, wait a second.
Was that your meddling "hmm"? Oh, Sam, we have to get those two back together.
There's nothing sadder than a man who wants his maiden and is denied her.
It tears my heart out.
You're getting dirt on my new Joan & Davids.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! What do you say to a beer, Normie? Hi, sailor.
New in town? Where's Diane? Back from the airport yet? No, no, not yet.
What's Diane doing down at the airport? Well, we all got together and thought it'd be kind of fun to get Woody's girlfriend out here and surprise him.
She's still picking her up.
What do you mean, "we all got together"? I didn't all get together.
Did you, Norm? Yeah.
Yeah, it was a good meeting, actually.
Had some hors d'oeuvres.
It kind of turned into a little party, you know.
Well, you might have invited me.
Oh, we might have, but we wanted to enjoy ourselves.
- Hey, Fras, how's the job going, bud? - Oh, great.
Yeah, I hear you're really cleaning up in your new business.
At least I was invited to the party.
Great rumaki, Sam.
Everyone, this is Beth Curtis.
- Hi, Beth.
- Hi, everybody.
How you doing? Sam Malone.
I guess-- I guess Woody told you all about me.
I haven't spoken to Woody in ages.
That's all right.
What could he tell you that you can't see? Sam, please.
I'd really like to thank whoever all's responsible for bringing me out here.
- Yeah.
Cliff Clavin, do-gooder.
- Hi.
Gosh, I can't believe how big this city is.
Yeah, yeah, quite a place.
You know, Boston is the hub of Boston proper, which comprises some-- There's probably, what, two and three-quarter million people spread out in 83 cities and towns.
Get out of here.
You question my figures? No, I want you to get out of here.
So where's my butterball? - You mean Woody? - Yeah.
He doesn't mind me calling him that.
He's not very sensitive about his weight.
Woody's not fat, Beth.
He was the last time I saw him.
- Wow.
He lost weight too? - Too? Yeah.
I don't like to brag or anything, but I just lost 50 pounds.
I don't think Woody will even recognise me.
Beth, that's wonderful.
Norman, isn't that wonderful? Yeah, it's great.
You know, actually, I just lost a little weight recently myself.
No, I just found it.
Beth? You shrunk.
I shrunk? Look at you.
Wow, my hands can touch.
This is a dream come true.
What are you doing here? - Well, your friends brought me out.
- They did? Thanks, guys.
You've been so good to me.
In fact, next to the Twilley brothers back home, you're the closest friends I have.
Woody, after you left, both Twilley brothers made improper advances to me.
Hey, that makes you my closest friends.
Woody, why don't you take the rest of the day off.
Oh, really? Thanks, Sam.
- Look at you.
I can't believe it.
- I can't believe it either.
You know, in high school, we were voted the couple most likely to explode.
Hey, I'll show you the sights.
What do you wanna see first? I'd kind of like to get a bite.
Didn't you eat on the plane? Yeah, but not enough, I guess, because I'm kind of hungry again.
Yeah, I'm famished.
See you later.
Do you find that strange? The first thing they wanted to do was eat? Yeah, yeah, Woody just got back from lunch too.
Yeah, I'll say it's strange.
If I hadn't seen my girl in that long, I know what the first thing on her mind would be.
"How did he find me in Tibet?" Sam, I finally did it.
It took three days, but I removed every trace of Carla's number from the men's room.
Would you mind your own business? Frasier, for God's sake, hasn't this gone on long enough? If you're trying to make me feel guilty, you succeeded.
Don't flatter yourself, Your Highness.
I'm working here because I enjoy it.
The Crane family is no stranger to hard work.
When my ancestors first came to this country, they had nothing but strong backs, a dream of freedom and a small personal fortune.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a life to live.
Sam, where do you keep the Jonny Mop? Sam, stop him.
Don't let him put on this stupid display.
Well, sweetheart, I'm helping him regain his self-respect.
Besides, people come here specifically to see the sweeping psychiatrist.
Sorry I'm late.
Beth and I had to go to Baskin-Robbins for the changing of the flavours.
Woody, how are you and Beth getting along? Oh, great.
We had this wonderful breakfast this morning.
Pancakes and sausages and hash browns.
And then we discovered this great little treat.
You know how when you get to the end of a meal and you find something to kind of top it off? - You mean like a sorbet? - No, like eggs Benedict.
It really hit the spot.
Woody, that's kind of like topping off a steak dinner with pork chops.
- Great idea.
- Well, it's not original.
It's the Hungry Heifer Carnivore Platter.
Woody, it's none of my business, but aren't you and Beth worried that you might put back on some of the weight you worked so hard to take off? No, we're very careful.
We always stop eating before we get lightheaded.
Oh, who am I kidding? It's happening all over again.
I swore after I took that 1 00 pounds off that I'd never tub out again.
Now I'm gonna have to send home for my fat clothes.
I don't know what comes over us when we get together.
You know, Woody, I thought of something.
I have old drinking buddies I can't be around without wanting a drink.
Automatic thing.
I think that maybe Beth is-- Well, she's like your old eating buddy.
- Very good, Sam.
- Well, thank you.
And just when we were about to hang a "for rent" sign on Sam's forehead.
He's right, Woody.
Friends with whom we share a common vice sometimes reinforce our behaviour.
I'm sure that's what's happening in your case.
Thank you, amateur psychologists for your simple-minded diagnostic attempts.
Now, Woody, tell me, do you come from a strict moral upbringing? - What do you mean by that? - Well, do you and Beth feel that premarital relations are wrong? Well, I don't wanna talk about it.
Beth and I feel there's some things you just don't talk about.
- Like what? - I don't know.
We never talk about it.
Now listen to me, Woody.
As healthy but moral human beings, you and Beth sublimated your lust into the sensual pleasure of eating.
As your fondness grew, so did your appetites.
Well, in short, food became your substitute for sex.
Vera became mine.
You really think that's what it is, Dr Crane? Yes, it's quite common.
Well, for example, when Diane left Sam, and he started drinking again, he was filling the void that Diane left.
And Diane filled her emptiness by toying with and destroying a man who's her cultural and intellectual superior in every way! You see the point I'm trying to make, Woody.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- I rest my case.
Go rest your mouth.
You mean to tell me you've never slept with Beth? Well, it's simple, then.
You sleep with her, you stop eating.
What a great reason too.
I mean, as if you needed one.
Sam, I can't do that.
I can't ask a nice girl like Beth to sleep with me out of wedlock.
The younger generation.
I just don't know what to say to them.
Why don't you just marry her? I don't think we're ready for marriage yet.
Forget Frasier's Freudian rantings.
As anyone will tell you, I am a Skinnerian behaviourist.
I say we must address your symptoms.
You and Beth must learn to retrain your eating habits together.
We've thought about diets before.
All it does is make us hungrier.
Well, then I'll help.
I'll take you out to dinner and show you how to eat a light but satisfying meal.
Oh, well, I'll try anything.
Hey, Sam, you wanna join us? Well, Sam could join us if he so desires.
We'll have a sparse but nutritious meal and a lot of delightful conversation.
Thanks, Diane, but I got something a little more fun planned for myself.
I'm gonna go home, shave my head with a cheese grater while chewing on tinfoil.
How about tomorrow night? - Wasn't it good? - Yeah.
Sam, can I tempt you with the last piece of broccoli? Depends on what you're gonna do with it.
Aren't we just the trendsetters? It's not everyone that could walk into an elite French restaurant and order nothing but vegetables.
Yeah, I gotta admit, I don't feel as full as if I had eaten food or something.
Really, Diane, we appreciate what you're trying to do, but what do you say we cleanse our palate with some ├ęclairs? Yo, waiter! Yes, a sense of humour's very important when dieting.
But remember, this one meal isn't going to change your lives.
You're going to have to continue this way on your own.
You think we can, Woody? Oh, sure.
Yeah, this was kind of nice.
You know, I usually feel so full I can't really do anything.
- But now l - I know.
I feel a lot more energetic.
You know, I've been thinking about what the janitor at Cheers said about sublimation.
About what? Well, he said that, for us, eating took the place of Woody, maybe you should go over to that table over there so you can be heard above Sam's termite impression.
Yeah, that might be better.
I'm sorry.
Eating took the place of what? Well, you know, that subject that you don't like to talk about.
What subject don't I like to talk about? You know, that subject that you never talk about.
The reason we never talk about that is because you don't wanna talk about it.
I don't mind talking about it.
In fact, I think about it all the time.
Well, I don't mind talking about it either.
- In fact, I think about it too.
- You think about it too? Then maybe we should talk about it.
Yeah, I think we should talk about it.
You don't suppose there's a chance we're not talking about the same thing.
- No.
- No.
Well, I think we've talked about it enough.
Me too.
Well, I think we're gonna be shoving off.
Where are you going? We don't wanna talk about it.
- I think I understand.
- Yeah.
Understand what? Oh, yeah, right.
Probably gonna get something to eat, right? Don't be silly.
- lsn't it beautiful? - What's that? Two people in love.
Yeah, you said it, all right.
- What? - I just had the funniest stray thought.
Remember the first tryst you and I shared? Yeah, I think I had Cheez Whiz on my half.
I'm talking about making love.
I know.
Yeah, of course I remember.
It was It was great, wasn't it? It was wonderful.
Yeah, I think we gave new meaning to the word "cooking.
" Sometimes I thought it would go on forever.
Hey, I came pretty darn close a couple of times, didn't l? That's not what I meant.
You were wonderful.
Yeah, you were pretty wonderful yourself.
- It can be so wonderful, can't it, Sam? - You bet.
Thank God there's no danger of all of that starting up again.
We know what kind of hell that would lead to.
Will there be anything else? - I want two of these.
Keep it coming.
- Make it three.
I think the word is "chocolate.
" I want more chocolate.
That's it.
Go away.
Go away.
We must come back.