Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Groom Wore Clearasil

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, everybody, I got a letter from my dog.
Pretty spiffy handwriting for a dog.
Well, it's not actually from my dog.
My mom writes the letters as if they're from my dog, Truman.
Weird beyond imagination, Norm.
Listen to this:.
"Dear Woody, Boy, what a great day I had.
I pulled all the laundry off the line, chewed up your father's bowling shoes, and grabbed a Yankee pot roast off the table.
Yum, yum.
" Isn't that cute? The mutt eats better than I do.
"By the way, now that you're not here to keep me in line, your mother's thinking about putting me to sleep.
I certainly wouldn't blame her, and I don't want you to either after I'm gone.
" Sam, cover me.
I gotta make a phone call.
- Drinks are up.
- Right away.
I need a vodka Gibson, up, a bloody mary, a Johnnie Walker black, two Beck's, and change for a 20.
- Change for a 20, Sam.
- Damn! Carla's been on the phone for two hours here.
She probably got an obscene phone call and won't let him off.
Okay, five, ten, ten, 20.
Can you believe it, Sam? How far I've come? Right before your eyes, I've turned into a waitressing machine.
Even in this pandemonium, I have everything perfectly under control.
There you go.
And here's your change for the 20.
Thank you.
See what I mean? Always sit at her station.
Did you hear that, Sam? Still busy.
Sam, I've got to get home and start preparing for that interview for the part-time job.
What interview? You know, the teaching assistant at the college.
Oh, right.
All right, go on, take off.
Woody and l will take care of you here.
Listen, don't fall in that same trap you did with Sumner.
Sam, my intimate relationship with Sumner had nothing to do with the fact that I was his teaching assistant.
Sumner took advantage of a naive young coed.
I have learned since then, from bitter experience.
I am older, wiser, and I have a lot more units under my belt.
Hey, Woody, give me a refill, would you? Coming up.
You know, Mr.
Peterson, you're amazing.
How do you keep putting them away? Well, it's all done with mirrors, son.
I just never look in one.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
Buckle your seatbelts and get ready for a blast into the unknown.
I've got a phenomenon here which, well, I'm sure will inspire the legendary Jack Palance to utter the infamous words, "Believe it or not.
" Get a load of this.
- What's that? - Potato, right? It's no ordinary, common, garden-variety russet, Norm.
Though, I'm proud to say, I did grow it myself.
It's the spitting image of Richard Milhous Nixon.
Look.
What, you find this amusing? No.
No, I find it historically significant, Cliff.
Look, look at the eye.
Well, all right, forget about the third one there, but look at those eyes.
The ski-jump nose, the jowls, huh? He's even got a little bit of sweat there on the upper lip.
Come on, man.
All right, maybe this will help you out.
I am not a crook.
Sorry, it still doesn't look like Nixon.
Sure sounds like him though.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Carla, I got a potato here looks just like Richard Nixon.
Big deal.
Find one that doesn't, then get back to me.
We were really hopping around here a couple hours ago, you know.
So why didn't you call me sooner? I tried to, but your phone was busy.
Oh, sorry.
My oldest must have been talking to his girlfriend.
- Where's Diane anyway? - Oh, I gave her the night off.
She's trying to interview for a TA job down at the college.
She'll never get it.
She's a big A with no Ts.
So Anthony has got himself a girlfriend, huh? It's sickening, Sam.
Everyday it's, "Annie this.
Annie that.
" Walks around the apartment all moony-eyed.
I think my kid's turned into a weenie.
Well, don't be too hard on the lad, Carla.
You know, men will do some pretty strange things to have a woman by their side.
In your case, inflate one.
You know who I hold responsible for this? Nick.
- Who's Nick? - He's Anthony's father.
His biological father.
Wow, a scientist.
You know, what my boy needs now is just a little adult male companionship to snap him out of this.
How about it, Sam? Come on, find somebody else.
Call Nick.
Come on.
You know Nick's idea of fatherhood: When the egg splits, so does he.
- Come on.
- What exactly would I have to do? Just take him out and show him a great time, you know? A real night on the town.
Wild, crazy, borderline illegal.
I guess I could handle that.
Yeah, why not? It's about time the kid learned how much fun it was to play the field.
- Right.
- Hey, wait just a second here.
Let's not give marriage a bad rap, huh? It's a fine institution.
Matter of fact, go ahead and ask any single man here if he wouldn't gladly trade places with me for a night.
Anybody? Please.
One night.
Oh, come on, fellas.
I'm offering transportation and a hot meal.
No, no, this is second-term Nixon.
Yeah.
Yeah, this tater is definitely showing the strain of Watergate here.
Not--? Not newsworthy? Oh, well, excuse me for living there, buddy boy.
Yeah, I'll call you back when my potato marries a rock star! New York Times, my foot! If the news doesn't come out of Moscow, they're not interested.
Hey, what do you think? You like the game? Yeah, that was great.
Where's your phone, Sammo? Oh, come on, give her a break, will you? You called her four times tonight.
She's probably half asleep.
Cheers.
Just a minute.
Who you looking for? Some girl wants to talk to the outlaw of love.
She tracked me down.
Hey, hey, that's Annie.
That's Annie.
Let me have it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's fine, Annie, and he'll call you tomorrow.
Yes, he's still a hunk.
Okay, I will.
Good night.
I owe you one, Sam.
Anthony, consider yourself kissed good night.
Okay, you want that root beer, huh? Great.
That's me and Annie's favourite.
She loves it when I make it come out my nose.
Yeah, I know.
That always works for me too.
Listen, Anthony -I know you like Annie a lot-- - Oh, no.
I love her.
Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word: tennis, and when he's already paid for the room.
You know what I mean? My ma, she says the same thing.
She acts like we're kids or something.
I'll tell you, just between you and me-- I mean, you don't tell my ma.
Me and Annie, we're talking about getting married.
- What? You get her pregnant? - Oh, she ain't pregnant! We think that sex before marriage is a sin.
Afterwards, it's just one more damn thing to take your pants off for, you know? Anthony, you don't know what you're doing.
I mean, look at me, will you? I'm single.
I've got a great life going here.
Look, most guys go through their entire life with only one woman.
- Yeah.
- I got three under Q.
This whole book is women? This book and my life.
Tell you what pick a name, any name.
I'm gonna show you what a no-strings good time I got at my fingertips here.
Go ahead.
Any name.
- Beth Hollister.
- Beth Hollister.
All right.
Very good choice.
It's a toll call, but it's worth it.
Hey, Beth? Hi, it's Sam Malone.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I know it's been a long time.
That's why I'm calling.
I thought maybe we'd get together tonight.
Oh, no.
Well, is it something you can put off until later? No, no, no.
No, I wouldn't want you to miss your first Weight Watchers meeting.
Tomorrow? Me? Well God, Beth, I think my appendix just burst.
Will you excuse me? Being single means you gotta think fast on your feet.
Go ahead.
Pick another name.
Any name.
- Candy.
Candy Simpson.
- Candy Simpson.
Come to Papa.
All right.
You're good, kid.
Then again, so is Candy.
Hi, is Candy in? Candy.
Sam Malone.
Yeah, you remember me? Yeah, all right.
You still into hot fudge sundaes for breakfast? You're not? Oh, hell, I'm on the wrong page here.
Listen what I want-- What I want to say here, Candy is I want you.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
Will you excuse me for a minute? This is getting kind of hot.
I'm gonna take this in my office.
Woody, you wanna hang that up? Just make yourself comfortable there.
That guy's got a great life, doesn't he? Great? He's got no one to come home to, nobody to care about, and no reason to even get up in the morning.
And he drives a Corvette.
This looks excellent, Miss Chambers.
I'd have to say, on the basis of this résumé, that you're my leading candidate.
Oh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am.
I think you're the best in your department, and I'd love to work with you.
Well, good.
Now, I do have to interview a couple of people tomorrow, but I'll be letting you know anon.
Terribly good to hear the King's English.
- Thank you for coming.
- Oh, my pleasure.
Oh, by the way, I got an excellent recommendation for you.
- Recommendation? - From Sumner Sloane.
He's a colleague of mine.
You used to work for him, right? That's right.
How nice of him.
Lovely man, Sumner.
He gave you very high marks.
- Well, goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
High marks? What exactly did you mean by that? Well, among other things, that you have an unbridled enthusiasm.
I see.
Goodbye.
I'm a little unclear on "enthusiasm.
" Well, enthusiasm: That you don't mind taking on extra duties and working overtime, if necessary.
Of course that's what he meant.
What else could he mean? Goodbye.
I will not sleep with you! What? Oh, my God, I can't believe I said that.
I think that concludes our interview.
Dr Moffat, I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't for a moment mean to imply that you want to have sex with me.
I'm sure that's the farthest thing from your mind.
Not that you don't have a healthy interest in sex.
I'm sure you think about it all the time.
Well, not all the time.
You're not obsessed.
But when it comes to sex, I'm sure you could hold your own with a man half your age.
That's not to say that you like young men.
Or any men.
Not that any man wouldn't be happy to have you.
As would any woman.
Except me.
Although, I could be.
But I'm not.
But that's not saying that I couldn't be.
This just isn't the time or the place or the circumstance.
But by that, I'm certainly not saying that you're flabby.
Why did I say that? This isn't going well, is it? Okay.
All right, everybody.
Open your eyes.
What's--? What's so funny? A blue suit with a brown tie? Well, hey, I did the best I could, you know.
It's not easy coming up with a Ken doll on short notice.
I wonder if you guys realize how limited his wardrobe is.
Now, Barbie's is much more extensive.
She's got her own car, little high heels.
Cliff.
Listen to me, Cliff.
You're my best friend, okay? If the situation were reversed, I'd want you to say this to me.
You've gone completely off the deep end.
You've always been kind of a weird guy, but this is just a little bit too much.
I want you to look what you've done and think about this, Cliff.
You've knocked the head off a doll and put a potato in its place.
And you actually want people to, like, come and know this.
Well, yeah, I guess you're right, Normie.
Yeah.
Been taking it a little bit too seriously.
I've been under some strain lately and It's okay, it's okay.
Thanks.
You know, thanks for pulling in those reins and saying, "Whoa, Paint, you're working up a froth.
" Hey, how's Anthony doing, Carla? I hope he didn't break little Annie's heart.
But then again, he did see life in the Sammy lane.
Oh, how do you do that? How do you make your eyes shake like that? Anthony's talking about getting married! I don't know what happened after he left here, but up until that point, Annie had "Destination Dump City" written all over her.
Yeah, well, he said he'd only been thinking about getting married until last night when you changed his mind.
No way did he want to end up, and I quote, "A lonely old skirt-chaser like Sam.
" Blasphemy.
What did you tell my kid, huh? Well, basically, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well, I'll tell you why.
Companionship, warmth on a cold night, someone to share your old age with.
You think he should marry her? I thought we were talking about a cow.
- Hey, Ma! - Hello, Mrs Tortelli.
Vixen.
- Nice to see you too.
- What are you doing here? Look, Ma, I don't like us being all mad at each other.
You know I love you.
So let's be buds.
What do you want? I don't want nothing.
Except for you to sign this consent form, Ma.
Consent? You want me to sign a consent form? Yeah.
Annie's parents already agreed to sign it, Ma.
Sure, no problem.
I'll sign a consent form.
This is my new way of signing my name.
- Ma! - No! You're only 16.
You were pregnant when you were 16.
Yeah, but I wasn't stupid enough to be married.
Come on, Anthony.
Let's just take the bus to Jersey to see your old man.
You only need one parent's permission.
Oh, forget him.
My father's a bum.
Hey, don't you talk about your father that way.
- Okay, he's a sleazy bum.
- That's better.
But I'll tell you this, Ma: If I don't get your consent, I'll get his, because one way or another, I am marrying Annie.
And I was hoping that I could have Annie as my lovely wife and still keep my mother.
Ma, don't make me make a choice.
Come on, Anthony, you don't mean that.
He's a proud man, Mrs Tortelli.
I guess that's why I love him more than any man I've ever known.
Isn't she great, Ma? Yeah.
I'm not losing a son, I'm gaining your face.
You're not making any points here, Ma.
- What am I supposed to do, Sam? - Just calm down.
I gotta stop this.
I can't believe they're serious.
I can't believe that any son of Nick Tortelli would even think about getting married without a bun in some oven.
Sam, Sammy! That is the answer! Listen, listen.
Anthony is a Tortelli man, right? Now, all Tortelli men are scum.
Ergo, given time, his eye will wander, and the rest of his slimy body will follow.
Come on, Mrs Tortelli, we haven't got all day.
I have to clean my room before dinner.
I just don't see what your hurry is.
I mean, why don't you two have a little engagement period, huh? I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal with you.
Give me two weeks.
What do you mean? You two stay totally apart.
Don't see each other, don't talk to each other, don't send messages for two weeks.
Then, at that time, if you still want to get married, I'll give you my blessing.
- That's all we have to do? - That's all? I'll die.
Our burning love will keep you alive, Anthony.
I don't know.
What's the matter, Anthony? You afraid? Listen, if you don't think your love is strong enough-- Oh, no, no.
We ain't afraid of nothing.
Okay, you got it.
But we come back here in two weeks and we're even more sure.
And after that we'll be together, forever and ever.
You mean like through eternity? No, like through the weekend, momar.
I'm gonna be heartsick missing you.
That is the most childish, unsanitary thing I've ever seen in my life.
Boy, I'll say.
Don't they realize that gum is a breeding ground for cooties? Anthony, would you get away from the window? You're fogging up the glass with your lovesick breath.
Don't be such a grump, Ma.
I warned you my feelings wouldn't change.
Not in two weeks, not in two years.
You blew it.
I'm dead meat, Sam.
I thought you had this figured out, logically.
Yeah, well, he never went out of the damn house.
How's he supposed to have his head turned by another woman if he never saw one? He just locked himself in a room, and he never came out except for hot meals and cold showers.
So you gonna sign the consent? What else can I do? They kept their end of the bargain.
- Anthony! - Annie! Sinuses, Carla.
Well, Mrs Tortelli, it's been two weeks.
I think it's still clear that Anthony and l are very much in love and wanna get married.
Right, Anthony? That's right.
Here's the form, Ma.
You said you would sign it.
You're too damn young, Anthony.
Please, this is the worst mistake anybody could make.
Believe me, I made it.
You gave your word.
Yeah, I did, didn't l? Hey, hurry it up, Annie.
I'm double-parked.
We'll be right there.
Won't this be great, Anthony? You and me together for all time.
Yeah, that's great.
Who is that? Oh, that's my cousin, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, my fiancé.
Will you hurry it up and sign? We haven't got all day.
Hey, Gabrielle, it's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
You're even cuter than Annie said.
How come I haven't met you before? I've been at cheerleading school.
Hey, when are we having your cousin over for dinner? Let's say we get married first.
Then we'll discuss the dinner guests.
Yeah, well, my word is my word.
I guess I'd better be signing this document so you two can be alone together forever.
What's your hurry, Ma? Why don't you buds have a root beer? I'm gonna help Gabrielle find a parking space.
- I'm worried about her.
- Anthony! Hey, just get off my back.
This will take two minutes.
Nag, nag, nag.
Gabrielle, you ever have a hot fudge sundae for breakfast? - They're not coming back, are they? - Nope.
Gee, and I got 50 boy cousins who can drive.
It was bound to happen.
Pretty smart, Mrs Tortelli.
Let me fill you in on something, Annie.
There are three things that you can say about Tortelli men: One, they draw women like flies.
Two, they treat women like flies.
Three, their brains are in their flies.
Yeah, one more thing: They throw away the best women.
You know, for a loser, you're not bad.
Ditto, Mrs T.