Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Cliffie's Big Score

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Cheers.
Yes, ma'am, right away.
There's some lady screaming her head off.
What does she want? I don't know.
All I could make out was "two-timing.
" Sam, telephone.
Woody, listen up and learn something.
Sammy here.
Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers.
Yeah.
No, no, that sounds like my note.
"Thanks for a wonderful evening, Barbara.
I had a great time.
" Well, of course I know your name's Karen.
You know, hey, I see your mistake here.
You see, you didn't realise that, to me, Barbara means Karen.
Well, because.
Because Because "Barbara" reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people? Well, I am getting to it.
You know the line, "First be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person? Yeah, all right, but the first female person was Eve.
And who's the most famous Eve of all, but Christmas Eve, right? Yeah, well, what do you do on Christmas Eve, but you go carolling.
Right? No, I know, your name's not Carolyn.
But after you go carolling, what you do is, you Karen the gifts.
Karen.
Yeah.
Well, apology accepted, sweetheart.
I'll talk to you later.
Hello, everybody.
- Hey.
- Clifford.
Well, Cliff Clavin is here to bid you all glad tidings and buy drinks for all my friends.
All right.
What's the occasion, Cliffie? New air-cushion insoles or something? No, no, no.
Better than that, Normie.
My branch office voted me Postman of the Year.
It's a very prestigious award too.
Only 267 given out in the greater Boston area.
- We're very proud of you.
- Yeah.
Will there be a ceremony? Oh, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
As is traditional, to be held at the gala Postman's Ball.
Yeah, unfortunately it's not gonna be televised.
I hear it's blacked out in this area anyway, so But I understand the postmaster general is gonna make the toast.
Wow, a man of his position helping out in the kitchen.
Only in America.
Excuse me, Diane? Can I have a word with you? Of course.
"l, Cliff Clavin, would be ever so honoured if you, a lady of exquisite loveliness and taste, whom I hold in the highest respect and esteem, would accompany me with your presence at the gala Postman's Ball on the 1 8th of this month.
You would be doing this only as a friend.
There is no ulterior motive or strings attached.
Thank you for listening.
" - Cliff, I'd love to.
- You would? Yes, but I have something else planned that night.
It's all right.
You know, just asked on the spur of the moment.
I'm sorry, Cliff.
- No.
- I mean it.
I am.
- Oh, poor Cliff.
- Why? What happened? Well, he asked me to his Postman's Ball, and I had to tell him I already had plans for that evening.
What plans? My cheese club meets that night.
So you're gonna eat cheese instead of helping Cliff out on this? We don't only eat cheese.
We talk about eating cheese.
Come on.
Obviously, it means a lot to him.
All he wants to do is be seen with a classy-looking chick.
Oh, I don't know, Sam.
Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me, with only the slightest encouragement.
- You, Frasier - Yourself.
- Well, perhaps I was being selfish.
- There you go.
- I'll talk to Cliff the first chance I get.
- Thank you.
Diane was crushed when she found she couldn't go to the ball with me.
Well, what are you gonna do now, Mr Clavin? I'll just have to ask Carla.
Are you nuts? Carla won't go with you.
She despises you.
Well, just because she despises me, doesn't mean she can't spend an evening dining and dancing with me.
Carlacould I ask you a favour? What? - Can we talk in the poolroom? - No.
Carla, that wasn't the favour.
There's more? What I have to endure.
Now for the kill.
Carla, "l, Cliff Clavin, would be ever so honoured if you, a lady of-- A lady would accompany me with your presence at the gala Postman's Ball on the 18th of this month.
You would be doing this only as a friend.
There is no ulterior motive or strings attached.
Thank you for listening.
" Carla Carla Carla, this is really important to me.
I know.
But think of me.
All right, look, Carla, you don't have to dance with me and I'll buy you a dress.
- Nah.
- A corsage.
A hundred bucks.
- Nah.
- A VCR.
VCR? Nice touch, but I'll have to pass.
Good Lord.
Is that a tear? Look, I think my greed is overcoming your repulsiveness.
- I'll go.
- You'll go? - Oh, Carla-- - First rule: No physical contact of any kind.
But, Carla, I'm so happy, I gotta hug something.
Okay, you can hug me for 5 bucks.
That's it.
My pleasure.
Well, got a date with Carla.
- Seriously? - Are you kidding? She fell for me like a sack of cannolis.
Yeah, you gotta love them, the little wenches.
Oh, Clifford, may I speak with you for a moment? Yeah, certainly, Diane.
I've been thinking about it, and I've decided to break my engagement and join you in your evening of triumph.
- You'll go with me? - I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Normie, Normie, did you hear that? Diane will go to the ball with me.
- I'm taking Diane to the ball! - Cliff, Cliff.
Think just a minute, now.
What's wrong with this picture? Sam, change for a 20? What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Well, I'll just have to have a huddle here with the man who knows almost as much about women as I do.
- Sammy? - Yeah? - A word, if you will.
- What's up? Well, I seem to have one of those situations again.
You know, two dollies lined up for the same evening.
Oh, well, does this have to do with Diane, Carla and that postman thing? - Yeah.
- Well, fair's fair.
Who said yes first? Carla.
Well, you just have to tell Diane you can't go with her.
Make up some excuse.
Tell her that your girl cousin from Michigan is in town just for the day and that you gotta take her.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
No, she's already heard that one.
Clifford, I've been thinking.
Oh, yeah, you can't go, huh, Diane? Hey, I understand.
Honestly, you're so insecure.
I was going to say that I thought of the perfect dress to wear.
Sassy little strapless number, very graceful for dancing.
With my hair up and a hint of jewellery to catch the eye.
I'm going to make you very proud.
Now what, Sammy? Yeah, this is a tough one.
Yeah, if Carla finds out you asked Diane first, you're gonna be dead before you hit the ground.
Hey, hold on a minute.
All you gotta do is, you gotta find Carla another date.
Someone better than you.
Hey, Sammy, Sammy, you are a genius.
Well, thank you.
Oh, yeah, listen.
When you talk to her about the guy, be vague.
Be general.
Don't get locked into anybody specific.
All right.
Vague.
General.
Carla? How'd you like to go to the Postman's Ball with a guy who looks like Robert Redford and drives a Porsche? Why aren't I going with you? Well, see, there's this buddy of mine down at the P.
O.
You might have seen him in here.
He's been in a couple of times.
Well, son of a gun if he didn't say he's got a big crush on you, and, well, he wanted me to see if you'd go to the ball with him.
Now-- This isn't just some way of getting out of giving me the VCR, is it? No! No, no, no.
You'll get everything I promised.
Plus the bonus of not having to go out with you, which leads me to believe that this guy is a bigger loser than you are.
Just forget it, Clavin! What kind of girl do you think I am? One who would like a big-screen TV? That's the kind.
Hello, everyone.
Good heavens.
- Miss Chambers, you look beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Woody.
- Doesn't she? Boy, you know, that just opens up the floodgates to a lot of memories.
Why, thank you, Sam, but I don't remember us ever going to a formal occasion while we were dating.
No, I was thinking about the girl I took to my high school prom.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
Miss Chambers, can I tell you something? Sure, Woody.
You look like a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Woody.
Oh, what am I saying? Two hundred.
Woody, you're turning my head.
Okay, a hundred.
Oh, look out.
Here comes your boyfriend.
Everybody, I'd like you to meet Lucas.
Lucas, the gang.
Right.
He said hello.
You see, Lucas is sort of used to talking to himself.
Lucas, you wanna step on down to the bar and have something to drink? - Oh, Diane, you look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Oh, this is for you.
Just a little token of my affection.
Thank you, Clifford.
If you don't mind my asking, who is this Lucas fellow, and why is he here? Oh, well, we're gonna double with him and his date Carla.
Carla? Well, I guess they're a match.
Although he does look like he's been around a mushroom or two.
Oh, Cliff.
Gee, this is big.
Big and beautiful.
Yeah, why don't you try it on.
Oh, no, no, something this big and beautiful should be preserved.
Oh, don't worry about that, Diane.
That's guaranteed to last through a 20-knot wind.
Sorry I'm late.
The baby spit up on my dress.
I had to buy a brooch big enough to cover it.
Real diamond chips.
Seventy-five bucks.
What is whitey doing here dressed like that? Diane's the only date I could scrape up at the last minute.
Oh, yeah? What are you paying her? - Transistor radio.
- A cheap date.
I knew it.
Carla, don't you wanna meet your date? I thought he was supposed to look like Robert Redford.
Well, he does from a distance.
Yeah, Mars.
And I think you'll soon find out just why a planet came to mind.
Carla, I'd like you to meet Lucas.
Lucas, your date, Carla.
What did he say? I can't believe it matters.
Well, I can see this is gonna be a laugh a minute.
An evening with the stick, the nerd and door number three.
You kids have a great time.
Good night.
Jimmy! Yo! Well, you two seem to be getting on pretty well.
Yeah, well, I sure hate to have to admit this, Clavin, but tall, dark and gruesome here turned out to be a real groove.
Not a great dancer, though.
He mashed in the toes of my shoes.
I'll bill you for a new pair.
I don't believe this.
You should be buying me a VCR.
Just wait a minute.
You're not gonna welsh on our deal, are you? Carla, come on, will you? You're making out like a bandit here.
At least you're getting some loving tonight.
Boy, I made the wrong choice between you and Diane.
What did you say? I said you and Diane look really choice tonight.
I see.
So where is the stick anyway? She's just going to freshen up.
She'll be out in a couple of minutes.
You know, I never would have thought it.
You two.
What are you talking about? Look, I shouldn't be telling you this, but when you two guys went to get some punch, Diane told me that she wished you'd come on a little stronger.
In fact, she said that she wished that you would do the one thing to her that no man has ever done.
I mean, not even Sammy.
- The one thing that makes her crazy.
- What? What? Just out of curiosity.
Run your fingers up and down her arm, Iook into her eyes and sing "Misty.
" Sorry to hold you up.
Well, let's be on our way, Clifford.
Clifford, I want you to know that I liked your speech best.
Out of all 267.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Listen, Diane, I want to thank you for keeping up the act tonight.
You know, staying by my side.
It wasn't entirely an act, Cliff.
I think tonight was the first time I saw you with your guard down.
You were yourself, not some mutation of Sam Malone, trying to impress people with tales of sexual exploits.
Women don't really like that, Cliff.
They want men to be sweet and vulnerable.
Then how come Sammy always scores? Because he's gorgeous.
I mean, he has low standards.
He'll go out with any floozy who comes down the pike.
Speaking of pike, how come we're not on it? Well, I wanted to take the long way home.
Yeah I just had the time of my life tonight, and I don't want it to end.
I just want to feel the night wind in my hair and share the company of you good people.
I think it's wonderful, Cliff.
Yeah, I think tonight was a real breakthrough for you.
Perhaps we've seen the end of the old insecure, arrested adolescent and we're seeing the emergence of the real Cliff Clavin.
- What? - Darn.
- What? What's wrong? - We ran out of gas.
Well, the gauge reads half full.
Yeah, yeah, it always reads half full.
It's stuck there.
I guess in the excitement of the night, I just forgot to fill the tank.
Well, what are we going to do? We're miles from a gas station.
Look at me I'm as helpless as a kitten in a tree And I'm clinging to a cloud I can't understand I get misty Just holding your hand Walk my way Get out.
- And a thousand vio-- - Now.
Yes, ma'am.
Diane, look, I'm sorry.
You don't understand.
I don't know what happened to me tonight.
The wine must have gone to my head, Diane.
Look, you know I hold you in the highest respect and esteem, and I would never, ever do anything to upset you.
Well, running out of gas? Really! - Well, we did run out of gas, Diane.
- Clifford.
Well, look, would a sign from God convince you? Maybe.
All right.
Almighty God please, if I'm telling the truth about this car running out of gas tonight, Iet it start now, even on an empty tank.
Diane, hallelujah! Oh, hallelujah! Diane! Oh, hey!