Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Peterson Principle

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Mrs Tortelli? Oh, you must be Vito Ragonzoni.
That's right.
The young man who wants to take out my little Anne Marie.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Soda, Sam.
Thanks for coming by, Vito.
Anne Marie told me that you wanted to take her to the movies, and I just wanted to meet you, get to know you a little better, you know.
Okay.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Well You certainly are a fine-looking young gentleman.
- No doubt about that.
- Thank you, ma'am.
What movie you taking Anne Marie to see? - Oh, that's a Walt Disney, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
Oh, one of my favourites, as I recall.
It is not only entertaining-- Turn to the left, please.
--it has a nice message.
Now to the right.
Thank you.
Ms Tortelli, I'm getting the feeling that you don't trust me too much.
Oh, gee, Vito, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm being a little overprotective.
You know, it's my little baby's first date.
But now that I see you, I see you're a fine upstanding gentleman, so here, tell you what.
Go on, get out of here.
Have some popcorn on me.
Have a good time.
Thanks, Mrs Tortelli.
Sam keep it in a safe place till the boys from the lab get here.
A hearty heigh-ho, everyone.
Hey, Frasier.
- What's with the bird there? - Oh, do you like it? I was doing some spring-cleaning the other day, and I came across old Plato here.
He was my father's pet.
Couldn't bear to part with him, not even in death, so he had him stuffed.
He's really got a lot of sentimental value for me.
He's an excellent example of taxidermy.
Quite valuable, I'm sure.
And I'd like you to have him.
Frasier, I don't think so.
- Well, then toss it.
- All right.
Oh, and, Diane, I came across these slides of our trip to Europe.
I didn't want to throw them away and didn't want them.
I thought perhaps you'd like them.
Oh, that's very thoughtful, Frasier.
I'd love to look at them.
Well, hey, I got a projector and a screen in the backroom there.
You said that projector was broken when I wanted to show my slides of Colombian art.
Well, yes, it is broken when you wanna show your slides of Colombian art.
I don't see any reason why we should show these slides here.
Well, why not? I think those slides might benefit everyone.
It's a chance to see Europe's cultural and artistic highlights with an informed commentary by people who've been there.
Anyone who wants to see slides of Diane's and my trip to Europe, raise your hands.
You could make disgusting noises and shadow animals.
Fine.
I'll go set it up.
- Say, Cliff.
- Yeah? Slides of the European trip, poolroom, five minutes.
Be there.
Hey.
Hey, yeah, great.
Wouldn't miss it.
There's a major yawn.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman.
- Hey, what's happening, Norm? You know, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
Yeah.
Vera has been phoning every 15 minutes here.
So, what's this for? Well, I told her you'd call the second you got in.
- Well, you lied.
- All right.
Norman, maybe it's an emergency.
No, I know why she's calling.
You know the account-manager job I'm up for? Well, it's between me and this one other guy, and today's the day they're making their decision.
Pins and needles time, huh? Yeah.
Vera's really a mess, you know.
Except she's always had kind of a low threshold for excitement, you know.
Yeah.
You wouldn't believe the tizzy she went into the day she cracked open a double-yolked egg.
I made the mistake of telling Vera that if I get the promotion, we could buy a new house.
You know, so It's always been a dream of hers to have house with a bathroom so big, if you fall down, you won't hit your head on anything.
Well, now, that's smart.
That's smart.
Because, little-known fact, are caused by accidents in the home.
So were you.
Anyway, these guys, they're really giving us the full treatment.
- What? - Yesterday, the executive wives invited Vera to a luncheon at a fancy French restaurant.
- Hey, hey.
- Experience really changed her.
She now refers to the Velveeta as fromage, thank you.
Well, you must be getting pretty excited about this yourself.
- Yeah.
- Not really.
- Come on, man.
Come on.
Come on.
- All right, all right, I'm psyched.
All right.
Norman.
If diligence, dedication and the old-fashioned puritan work ethic have anything to do with it, I'm sure Good luck, Norman.
Well, it's time I stopped avoiding the success that's been nipping at my heels all these years.
- My whole life stands before me.
- Right.
I'm poised here on the brink of destiny, guys.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Look out, world, get off my runway.
Ho! Look out! Hey, is everybody ready for the slide show? Yeah, what the hell.
I got nothing better to do.
All right, everybody.
Filter on in here.
There's plenty of seats for everybody.
Yup, come along, now.
Come along.
Now, if everybody's passports are in order, we begin our sojourn in merry old England.
Yes.
Here's Diane at the Tower of London.
Where's the tower? It's right there.
She's standing in front of it.
Yeah.
And here she is at the changing of the guard.
- Where are the guards? - Well, if you look very closely, you can see them in the reflection of her sunglasses.
Which hide her eyes.
Which hide her emotions.
And here she is in front of Big Ben.
That wall looks just like the other wall.
But imagine that at the top of this wall there's a clock.
Do you actually ever take pictures of things where you could see the things themselves? - Well, I'm sure I must have.
- Well Scenery at last.
Now, this is Diane boating on the Seine.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, I think that was my last carefree day on the Continent.
But I digress.
Yeah.
Here she is pretending to enjoy herself in front of Notre Dame.
I was enjoying myself.
Of course you were.
I didn't mean to imply anything else.
And on to sunny ltaly.
Boy, she doesn't look happy there, does she? - No.
- How could she? She was much too preoccupied with thoughts of desertion.
- Frasier.
- I'm sorry.
Ignore that.
Ah, yes, beautiful Florence.
She looks just like Miss Chambers.
It is Diane, Woody.
I think this is the night I proposed to her.
Yes.
You see, she's laughing at me.
I am not laughing at you.
I'm smiling for the camera.
Of course you were.
You're about to rip out my heart.
Yes.
Yes, here she is plotting her betrayal in front of the Ponte Vecchio.
How appropriate, in the country of Lucrezia Borgia.
- Frasier, you're incorrigible.
- Oh, Diane, wait.
No, wait.
Hey, let her-- Well, that was a thrill a minute, huh, Norm? I'd say your Florida slides were better than that, Cliffie.
Oh, I got them in the trunk of my car.
It's a good place for them.
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
I thought I was getting better.
Frasier, sit down.
You keep saying you're getting better, but I haven't seen any evidence of it.
Now, hard as it may be, you've got to stop being preoccupied with me.
- Get a hold of yourself.
- Enough said.
You don't have to hit Frasier Crane over the head.
Unless, of course, you'd like to.
Where is your sense of humour? Frasier, here.
Listen, been a long time since I went out and raised a little hell.
What do you say you and I go out and get crazy? You know, a couple of guys giving the women of Boston their best shot? - Well, this is a pity offer, isn't it? - Basically.
Okay.
Might be just what the doctor ordered.
Rattle my cage a little.
All right, that's the ticket.
Listen, I got a few things to do for a while, so why don't you just sit down here and be a good little boy, and Sammy Claus will take you out later and get your tree trimmed.
- Hey, Norm.
- Jeff.
What are you doing here? I just wanna have a beer with the new accounts manager.
- Did I get the job? - I haven't heard anything definite, but if I had an extra dollar to wager, I'd bet it on Norm Peterson.
Since I don't, could you buy me a beer? All right.
Woody, two beers.
- Come on.
Have a seat.
- Great, great.
I just wanted to come down and wish you good luck.
There's a lot of scuttlebutt around the water cooler that you and Morrison are neck and neck.
But there's a lot of us down in the trenches who are pulling for you.
Thanks.
That means a lot coming from your peers.
I just hope when you're up in the executive suite and I'm down in steerage we can still be friends.
Of course.
Were we before? "Were we before?" Oh, God, that's great.
Oh, I tell you, it's gonna be so great to have somebody up there with a sense of humour.
That's terrific.
And by the way, that was a brilliant job you did on the Stallings audit.
I mean, who else would've figured out how to write off Mrs Stallings' - breast reduction as a depreciation? - Yeah.
You know, I hear that Stallings will be eligible for parole in our lifetime.
Does anyone have more fun than bookkeepers? Oh, face it, Norm, you deserve to win.
You're more experienced, you're a nicer guy, and you got some professional ethics, unlike Morrison.
What are you talking about? Are you kidding? You don't know about Morrison and the boss's wife? They've been making it every Tuesday night for the past five months.
- Jeffrey, I can't believe that.
- No, I'm serious.
Once a week? Well, I guess if you're young, you can handle that kind of schedule.
I better shove off.
- Mrs Reinhardt? - Mrs Reinhardt.
- Hey, Norm? - Yeah.
Would you promise me one thing? When you get the promotion and it's time to hire an assistant, you'll remember my name? - Sure.
Yeah.
What's that last name? - You big lug, you.
That's Warren, with two R's.
W-A-R-R-E-N.
Well Woody, a little champagne, please.
Sammy, some cigars for all my friends.
On the new accounts manager.
No kidding, Norm? You got the job? No, not yet, but just learned a little bit of information about my competition that ought to clinch it when I accidentally let it slip.
All right, Norm.
- Hey, Norm? - Yeah.
Norm, I might have spoken out of turn about Morrison and Mrs Reinhardt.
You wouldn't let it go any further, would you? Jeffrey, I'm insulted, man.
So as I was about to say, Jeff here lets it slip that my competition's making the sheets sing with the boss's wife.
Oh, yeah, that's pretty hot information there, isn't it? You're gonna rat on him? No, I'm gonna sing "Moon River" outside their motel room.
I know you want this job pretty bad.
You think that's the way to go about it? I have to agree, Norman.
This just isn't you talking.
You're not the ruthless, cutthroat, aggressive type.
I don't know where you guys got the idea that I'm just some passive, easygoing lump.
Norm, if your buns didn't fall asleep, you'd never get off the bar stool.
They're wide awake now, guys, and I want this promotion.
I want it for Vera.
She deserves it.
Norman, think for a moment what you're about to do.
This could even backfire on you.
You don't even know if this terrible rumour is true.
Well, I have a pretty good idea it might be.
Mrs Reinhardt came on to me at the Christmas party.
What did she say? "Move it.
You're standing in front of the cheese dip.
" But she said it with bedroom eyes.
I'm telling you, this is a mistake.
You guys all think that this is a bad idea for me to use this information? Of course we do.
Not everybody.
You know, Norm, this Morrison is an adulterer and shouldn't be allowed to prosper by it.
Now, if we let this type of un-American activity go unchecked, before you know it, our leaders will be in chains, our women will be learning how to shot put, and all we vital American males will be force-fed borscht along with generous helpings of Das Kapital.
That's not those fish eggs, is it? No, but it smells as bad.
Well, then you tell them Woody Boyd says nyet.
Attaboy, Woody.
Norman, a snitch is the lowest thing on this earth.
You know it.
Little kids know it.
Old ladies know it.
Dirty, rotten-toothed prisoners in dark, wet cells know it.
Norman, if you tell on this guy, and your friends find out about it, - they are gonna hate your guts.
- How are they gonna know? I'll squeal like a stuck pig.
Norm, come on.
You can't do this.
All right.
You're right, you're right.
Guys don't tell on other guys.
It's just not right.
I can't do it.
Hey, Frasier, I'm ready if you are.
Oh, wonderful.
Let's begin our evening of revelry.
All right.
Now, listen.
I wanna get one thing straight: Tonight, I don't wanna hear one word about Diane Chambers.
Okay? We're gonna get out there and get your mind on more pleasant things.
Agreed.
Where are we going? Well, I think the first thing we need is some female companionship.
I know a couple of the hot spots, so why don't we just mosey along here.
Let me tell you how this evening's gonna go here.
Now, we're gonna probably walk into some really nice little spot there.
You're gonna see a beautiful woman across the room.
I mean hot, sexy.
A woman you dream about.
All right, now, her friend is for you.
Got it? Good Lord.
That's my boss, Mr Reinhardt.
That's the poor sap, huh? Cliffie, quick, breath test.
What do you smell when I do this? Milwaukee.
Mr Reinhardt.
Hi, sir, how are you do--? Coincidence that you caught me in here.
I was just using the washroom.
- What do you say we? - At ease, Peterson.
We know you spend a lot of time here.
This is where we send your checks.
That's very good.
That's good, sir.
That's good.
Well, have a seat.
So to what do I owe this pleasure? Well, I wanted to come and tell you in person.
It's not the easiest thing I've ever had to say, but you didn't get the job.
I appreciate your coming here to tell me that, sir.
It was a tossup between you and Morrison right up to the end.
I have to tell you, in virtually every way, you match up perfectly.
You both exemplify the high standards we expect from our employees.
In fact, we can't find a black mark against either one of you.
Your behaviour and Morrison's, in and out of the office, is impeccable.
If there were-- If there were just one thing, one tiny thing to tip the scale in your favour, I'd go to bat for you.
Sir, I think I ought to tell you something.
This is terribly personal, and it could really be painful for you.
Probably gonna change your life in every way but before I get into it, would you like a cheese doodle? I have a craving for Could I have some cheese doodles, please? - No, Norman.
- Yeah, yes, Norm.
Yes, yes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, do it, do it.
Yes, yes, yes.
Who are those people, Peterson, and why doesn't one of them want you to have a cheese doodle? She's actually-- She's trying to help me watch my dairy intake, sir.
Well, what was the terribly personal thing you were gonna tell me - that's gonna change my life? - Oh, that.
It was-- That was nothing.
You had something in between your teeth.
Do you have a--? No, no, no.
It's-- I guess, you know, it's gone now.
That combination of syllables in your last sentence - must have just kicked it right out, sir.
- I see.
- Well, I'd best be going.
- Sir.
There's something you're not telling me here.
I mean, why didn't I get this job? Oh, I suppose I owe you the truth, Peterson.
Well, yeah, you do.
It's your wife.
What does my wife have to do with this? Well, she didn't fit in with the other company wives.
That's-- Vera's a wonderful woman.
What are you talking--? Well, yes, I'm sure in her own circle she is, but that lunch the other wives took her to yesterday was sort of a test.
A spouse has to be able to mix easily with other people in the company.
That's just great.
Well, that's great.
Sir, tell you what.
If my wife isn't good enough for this company, neither am l.
Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way, Peterson.
But I understand.
And I admire you for your loyalty to her.
Now, wait a minute.
Morrison's wife is somehow more acceptable than mine? No.
As a matter of fact, Morrison's never had a wife.
Oh, yeah, well, I wouldn't be too sure about that one, sir.
- Good luck.
- All right, fine.
I'm so sorry, Norman.
Thanks.
That was the easy part.
Now I have to break the news to Vera.
What are you gonna tell her? The truth, I guess.
When she went to lunch with the other wives, she didn't pass muster.
Well, maybe she couldn't reach it.
Hi, Vera.
Listen, honey, no point beating around the bush here.
I didn't get the promotion.
In fact, I just got so mad at the guy, I just went ahead and quit.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, they did, they gave me a reason, hon.
They said that well, what they said was, I'm just not the right man for the job, you know.
You just face it, honey, I'm a loser.
I don't know why you just don't go just pack up your bags and leave me.
Hello? That's very funny.
That's cute.
Listen, sweetie.
There's something I have to tell you.
Even on a terrible day like today, I feel like I'm the luckiest man in the world, because I married you.
I don't know.
I've had two, three, maybe.
I'll talk to you later.
Yeah.
- Norman? - Yeah.
That's one of the finest things I have ever seen a man do.
Yes.
How great, I'm unemployed.
Don't worry, Mr Peterson.
Something else will come along.
No, no, I mean, great, I'm unemployed.
Give me a beer here.