Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Diane Chambers Day

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, man, where's this relief waitress you hired? Oh, don't worry, Sam, she's a great waitress, a complete professional.
Well, how come she's not here? Well, she called and said she'd be about 20 minutes late.
She wants to get in all her breaks before she starts.
Oh, there she is.
Hey, Corinne, over here.
When you asked them for a waitress, did you tell them this was a bar, not a truck stop? Hi, honey.
Is this it? Yep, Corinne, this is my boss, Sam Malone.
Hi, honey.
Just give me some checks and we're all set.
Okay, Woody, why don't you show her where they are? It's right down here.
Would you look at the size of this place? My dogs'll be barking tonight.
Pardon me, am I mistaken, or did you used to work at the Hungry Heifer? - Sure, I worked there.
- Yeah? Say, I know you.
The girls there had a pet name for you.
- What was that? - That guy who comes back.
Hey, listen, thanks for helping out.
From now on let me pick the waitresses.
My customers are used to something with a little more sex appeal.
Sam.
Where'd you get the fox? - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - How's life in the fast lane, Normie? - Beats me.
I can't find the on-ramp.
Hey, hey, your brow is a little furrowed there, my friend.
What's the boney, Maroney? Well, Vera's getting the urge to go on vacation again.
Don't worry.
It'll pass.
Happens every year.
I think she's serious this time.
Maps have been unfolded.
- Where does she wanna go? - The tropics.
Says she wants to lay in the sand and bake in the sun.
I offered a compromise.
I said, just turn up the radiator and stick your feet in the cat box.
- And she didn't go for that? - No, no.
It's my own damn fault.
You know, I think I've spoiled that woman.
Mr Peterson, if you want the vacation of a lifetime, without spending a fortune, I have one word for you: - Yeah? - Hanover, lndiana.
All right.
Well, what would I do for excitement in, say, Hanover, lndiana? Well, if you leave right away, you can catch the Corn Parade.
Now, that's kind of like the Rose Parade.
But instead of using flowers for the floats-- - They use corn.
- You've heard of it.
Well, hold on a second.
- Carla, it's for you.
- Who is it? I don't know.
It's one of your daughters.
- Which one? - I couldn't tell.
- It sounded like, "Humanity.
" - Oh, it's Anne Marie.
She's wearing a retainer on her teeth, and she's feeling a little insecure.
Anne Marie? No, I didn't know it was you from your ugly voice.
Hon, no.
Anne Marie, people are not gonna make fun of you every time you open your mouth.
Honey, your family are not people.
Yeah, right, goodbye.
Poor kid.
I remember when I was at that awkward age.
Any little difference between me and the other children and I was embarrassed and humiliated in front of what felt like the world.
- Hi, Diane.
- And on it goes.
You left your sweater at my apartment.
Oh, thank you, Dennis.
And thanks for bringing it by in this all-too-brief visit.
- Why are you dressed like that? - I'm working the Renaissance Faire.
Don't they have dressing rooms there? I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
You said it was your favourite era.
Dennis, there's a time and place for everything.
And the time for this was the 14th century.
I'm sorry.
So are we still on for Saturday night? Next Saturday would be impossible.
You don't wanna go out with me again, do you? I didn't say that, Dennis.
You're putting words in my mouth.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
No, no, they're the right words.
I'll give you a call, Dennis.
All right.
I know what's coming.
Let's get on with it.
- What? What are you talking about? - You know.
Dennis.
He didn't, well - He didn't look very ordinary.
- Oh, nonsense.
I thought he looked great.
Especially if he was gonna spend the day in Sherwood Forest.
You're not being very fair.
Dennis is a really special guy.
Yeah, and I sensed that, Diane.
I said to myself-- As soon as he walked in, I said, now there's a sissy with a dream.
Dennis Kaufman is a brilliant puppeteer.
He does a wonderful Punch and Judy.
He'd better have a wonderful punch if he's gonna dress like Judy.
Oh, you really pick them, Diane.
Next to him, even Frasier looks like Rambo.
Look what I've stooped to.
Dennis is a fine human being, and I hustled him out of here like he had the plague.
All in an effort to avoid your childish gibes.
How will I ever make it up to him? Well, you could always offer to set his hair.
Fine, fine.
Thank you all.
Oh, come on.
You're overreacting.
We were simply indulging in a couple of yuks.
Were we not, guys? Well, I can understand why you act like this, and Sam stooping to such puerile behaviour.
You're jealous.
But I don't know why everyone else jumps in.
Now, Woody here was the only one of you mature enough to refrain from jumping on your mudslinging bandwagon.
Well, why should l, Miss Chambers? I liked Denise.
- No, that's Dennis.
- I know.
Hey, Normie? You feel like doing something adventurous tonight? I'm already doing that, Cliffie.
Vera's trying on a new facial mask this evening, and I kind of wanna rush home and watch it crack.
- All right.
- Why? What did you have in mind? Well, I heard from one of the guys down in the junk-mail room that there's a new act down at the old Wham Bam Room.
Oh, hot dog.
Presenting the finest in nudie entertainment.
Come on, Fras, what do you say? Let's go.
Oh, you're inviting me along to this evening of devilment? - You got a credit card, don't you? - There you go.
You know, I'm not so sure if it really fits in with my image, you know? A desperately lonely character on the make? - Well, I guess I'm in.
- All right.
Oh, sure.
Just when I'm about to have fun.
- That's Mrs Benedict.
- How did you know that? Because she's the person I'd least like to hear from.
Even her beep is whiny.
Excuse me, just two seconds.
Guys, Carla, get your coats.
You're coming over to my place.
Tonight, on the tube, The Magnificent Seven.
Cliffie, the Wham Bam Room will always be there, but only tonight will the Seven ride.
Say no more.
Bronson, McQueen, Coburn.
- Don't think I ever saw that one.
- You're kidding.
Then tonight you become a man.
- Well, I'm off.
- Hey, change of plans, Frasier.
The Magnificent Seven, Sammy's TV, tonight.
The Seven? Great.
I never miss a Horst Buchholz film.
Listen, l-- Tell you what.
I'll catch up to you just as soon as I talk Mrs Benedict out of her hamper.
You guys do this a lot? Well, yeah, every time one of the classics is on TV, we all head over to Sammy's, make some popcorn, and glue our eyeballs to the set.
You know, I'm not ordinarily a fan of American Westerns, but because The Magnificent Seven is a remake of the far superior and more complex Japanese film, The Seven Samurai, a comparison will be interesting.
We'll be sure to do that.
Now you don't mind locking up, do you, sweetheart? Oh, of course not.
We didn't hear anything.
No, no, I'm gonna check this out.
I'm sorry.
You wanna come with us, sweetheart? No.
I don't wanna ruin your fun.
When I first walked into this place, I felt like an alien, and four years later, I still feel like an alien.
Well, if the antenna fits.
Diane, wait a second.
- I just wanna go home, Sam.
- Well, maybe if you I don't know, guys.
I don't feel good about the movie tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
Oh, hi, Diane.
Why aren't you here? Are you sick or something? Oh, well, you sound all stuffed up.
Well, I hope you feel better.
Bye-bye.
- What's the matter with her? - She said she's got this allergy where you weep uncontrollably.
What do you think? Do you think we hurt her feelings a little bit too much last night? Hey, maybe we ought to do something to make it up to her.
- Like send her a bouquet of flowers.
- Oh, cliché city, huh? You know, whenever I break the heart of a member of the gentler sex, I always send her a nice box of dried figs.
Figs won't do it.
Let me see if I can explain this.
Diane has always tried to take part in your activities.
Why don't you return the favour by joining her in something she finds entertaining? Oh, boy.
All right, what egghead torture do we have to endure now? Well, how about the opera? - Oh, man, come on.
- Oh, gross.
It's not like we threw her down a flight of stairs.
Come on.
Tell you what.
Leave it to me.
I'll make all the arrangements, right down to her favourite flowers.
All you guys have to do is just show up.
All right, what do you say, guys? I mean, it's the least we could do.
- Well? - All right, all right, all right.
Do me a favour, just pick an opera where it doesn't sound like somebody backing over a cat.
Please.
We do happen to be in luck.
You see, they're playing Diane's favourite tomorrow night.
Lucia di Lammermoor by Donizetti.
Yeah? Well, count me out.
You know, every time we had a family gathering, they always tried to get me interested in opera.
I just couldn't stand it.
It's just a bunch of fat, homely people screeching and trying to stab each other.
Well, Carla, you know, not all operas are like that.
I was talking about the family gathering.
Check it out, boys.
Better than the skyview seats at Fenway.
Look at these chairs.
They're not even bolted down.
Oh, hey, that's class for you.
Boy, you gotta really hand it to Frasier, don't you? He really knows what melts Diane's butter.
Look at this.
All right, all right, now if we stick together tonight, I think we won't have any casualties.
Hey, hey, just as long as you remember your job there, Woody.
Anybody starts falling asleep, give them a nudge.
Hey, don't worry, Mr Clavin.
There's no way I'm gonna fall asleep.
I had a four-hour nap this afternoon, drank 12 cups of coffee, and I'm wearing extra-tight shoes.
- So where's Diane? - Oh, she's powdering her nose.
She started to cry again.
I mean, what a woman, huh? Do you believe that? She started to cry when we told her we're gonna take her to the opera, she cried when she saw us in our tuxes.
And she cried when she saw the limo.
She's got it under control, though.
She said she won't do it anymore.
No, thank you.
I'll seat myself.
Oh, this is the best box.
- Now, you promised-- - I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
Madame, your seat.
No, no.
Come on, yeah, that's good.
Gentlemen.
What a glorious night.
Somebody pinch me.
That's just an expression, Cliff.
On second thought, don't pinch me.
If this is a dream, I do not want to awaken.
Listen, I know that you're all novices to the opera, so I'd like to give you a little background.
Tonight's performance is in ltalian.
I'm sure that you will find it both enlightening and entertaining.
Oh, by the way, does anyone need opera glasses? Oh, no, no.
I brought a pair of my own there, Diane.
Cliffie, think those are powerful enough, pal? You better believe it, Norm.
Get a load of the warheads on that cellist.
No, hey, hey, hey.
Don't, don't, don't.
So this charming piece is in three acts.
It begins with Edgardo leaving for France to renew his vow of love for Lucia.
Though both houses have maintained a feud for years.
Enrico, Lucia's brother, arranges a marriage between his friend Arturo and Lucia by tricking her into believing that Edgardo has been untrue.
But let's watch.
The maestro.
Wasn't that lovely? Good night.
Good night.
So how'd it go? Well, I had a problem with one of the customers.
- Oh, yeah, what? - He refused to keep his hands on me.
- Go home.
I'll finish up here.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Diane, you probably noticed I wasn't there tonight.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, Carla.
- It was a really sweet gesture.
- You're welcome.
- May I offer you a cognac? - Yes, that would be lovely.
Thank you again, Sam, for your thoughtfulness.
It may not seem like much to you, but it really meant a lot to me.
No, no, it seemed like quite a bit to us too.
This evening was so special, so wonderful to me.
And it was all your doing.
Well, there were some other people involved.
Oh, no, you're their leader.
They do nothing without you.
- Well - But so gallant.
Well, thank you.
I can't help helping, I guess.
Every detail was so well-thought-out, right down to your choice of opera.
Oh, well, I knew that Lucywas your favourite.
It was perfect.
You hit all the right chords.
Well, I think I know you pretty well by now.
Sam, I confess, I underestimated you.
I had no idea you thought so much about me in ways other than sexual.
Unfortunately, I can't possibly do that at the moment.
Oh, Sam.
You moved me very deeply tonight.
Well, it moves me deeply to move you deeply.
Speaking of depths, would I be sinking to one if I were to suggest that we carry this conversation back to my place? - Sam, my God.
- Oh, dear, what? I wasn't expecting this.
I'm experiencing emotions I haven't felt for so long.
My heart's saying yes, my mind's saying no.
Well, why don't you let some other part of your body break the tie for you? I think I'd better go.
My purse.
Oh, boy.
Oh, Sam, I can't fight it.
Everything tonight has been leading me right into your arms.
Let me get this clear here.
You're saying that we-- We always get into so much trouble when we talk.
Let's not.
Let's just do.
From now on, no words.
I can't believe this.
This is like a dream I had once.
- This was good back here.
- Yeah, it was.
This is becoming the most perfect evening we've ever had together.
Oh, boy.
Sam? - What is it? - Oh, l-- I can't believe I'm about to say this.
I gotta be honest with you.
Frasier planned the whole evening.
I had nothing to do with it.
What do you think about that? Now Your saying this to me now is one of the most wonderful things you have ever done.
Oh, boy.
I'm even more attracted to you now than before.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's great.
Let's go.
- Sam, wait.
- No, no, don't say wait.
Don't say wait.
- We can't possibly have sex tonight.
- Sure we can.
Sure we can.
No, don't you realize what you did? You insisted on being honest to me.
Respecting me as a person.
Even though it meant risking the loss of a night of passion.
Yeah, well, that kind of stuff should be rewarded, you know? Sam, you know, for a change, tonight you had the cooler head, and you were right to stop me.
We are developing a very special relationship, and it would be wrong to jeopardize it by having sex.
No.
I want to jeopardize it with sex.
- It would be a test.
- Sam.
Sam, we're regressing.
You're backsliding.
We're not ready yet.
Well, do you have an estimate on when we might be ready? I mean, is it minutes here? Come on.
Sam, this was a real breakthrough for us.
I think it's very important for each of us to be alone.
No, I agree.
As soon as we're done, I'll leave.
I promise.
- Good night, Sam.
- No, no, wait.
Here.
Oh, no.
No.