Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Strange Bedfellows (2)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, hey, I bet you can't guess who I met at Janet's house last night.
- Sam, please.
- What? This is really getting out of hand.
In the month that you've been dating the lovely Councillor Eldridge you've done nothing but drop names.
You'd think you'd never seen a celebrity before.
So spare me your stargazing.
Hey, hey, Gary Hart.
- Gary Hart, there he is.
- Oh, hey, senator.
Hi, Sam, you left your coat in my car last night.
That's sweet of you to bring it by.
Thank you.
Least I could do for a Trivial Pursuit partner.
By the way, thanks for your help with those sports questions.
Well, that's my strong point.
Thank you for helping me with everything else.
- That's my strong point.
- Yeah.
What say you park her down here, and I'll buy you a brewski, eh? Thanks.
I think I'll take a rain check.
Oh, well, in that case you can buy me one.
Just kidding, you know.
Sort of.
- Sam, I better run.
- Yeah.
- Good to see you again.
- Thank you.
Thanks for dropping by.
Oh, my God, it's Gary Hart.
Did you see Gary Hart? I saw Gary Hart.
Senator Gary Hart.
Could have been President Gary Hart.
Could still be President Gary Hart.
Gary Hart, that's Gary I was just showing you how silly it looks.
Please, don't do it again.
Frasier, it was awfully nice of you to invite me out for a drink.
Oh, well, it's my pleasure, Jim.
I just couldn't bear to see you so down in the dumps after you lost the election.
I thought this might cheer you up.
I'm sure it will.
Woody Iet me get a Scotch on the rocks.
- Oh, well, make that two.
- Coming right up.
Say, aren't you that guy that Janet Eldridge whipped in the election? - Woody.
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I guess you just look like him.
Did that Fleener guy take a shellacking or what? All right.
Jim, you have to look on the bright side of this.
Well, for example, what were the positive things about your campaign? Well Well, of course, there was Diane.
Diane? She was wonderful.
She was absolutely wonderful.
You know, a man could go far with a woman like that at his side.
In fact, now that the campaign is over, I thought I might ask her out.
Well, I think that's wonderfully open-minded of you, considering her operation.
What operation was that? Well, she had a sex-change operation.
Surely you knew.
Sex change? No, l, l-- Diane? Hi, Frasier.
- Jim, what are you doing here? - Diane, Diane, what a courageous person you are.
- What are you talking about? - What a wonderful job they did.
I, l-- Of course, now that I know, I can tell the difference.
Well, I think I'm gonna be going now.
Bye, Diane.
It's great to see old Jimbo again, isn't it? Frasier, have you been telling people I had a sex-change operation again? No.
He guessed.
Why, thank you, gentlemen.
Well, you look nice too, Miss Eldridge.
Sam, we didn't expect to see you here today.
Well, Janet wanted me to change my tie.
Why don't you sit here.
I think the black one's under the bar.
I just wore this as a kind of gag anyway.
Good one.
Do you? Do you want a white wine? - I'd love it.
- Fine.
Woody, would you do that? - And a club soda for myself.
- Sure, Sam.
- Hello, Sam.
- Oh, hi.
- My, going formal again.
- Yeah.
You've logged a lot of hours in the tuxedo lately.
Kind of getting used to the old monkey suit.
You know, I never realized until now just how appropriate that nickname is.
That's very funny.
My, aren't we a grumpy primate? She's jealous you're going to a party at the mayor's house, and she's not.
As a matter of fact, I have a wonderful evening planned.
My date Gregory and l are going to the theatre and then to a late-night supper and dancing.
Boy, does that bring back memories.
Oh, are you recalling a similar evening, Woody? No, I just remembered your date called and cancelled.
He said that he had to go on duty at the hospital, and that he was really very sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry too, sweetheart.
Well, it's okay.
It's not like I went out and spent $31 2 on a new dress.
Then you'd really feel dumb.
- Evening, everybody.
- Hey, Norm! What's going down, Mr Peterson? My cheeks on this barstool.
What's the problem there, Norm? Trouble, Cliffie, with a capital D.
Vera's younger sister, Donna, is coming to visit.
She insists on prancing around the house wearing next to nothing.
She's always exercising in front of me in skimpy little leotards and stuff.
She'll shower with the door half open, right in front of me.
I see your problem here.
Sounds like you got a case of the frustrated female over there.
I know just what to do.
We'll try a little Acu-Clavin on her.
- Let me go get the car.
- Thank you for changing, Sam.
I mean, it did say on the invitation, black tie.
Leash optional.
Well, Diane.
The election is long over and you must be tremendously relieved.
- About what? - Remember, you were so concerned I was going to abandon Sam after he'd served my political purposes.
Obviously you were wrong about Sam and l.
- Wrong about Sam and me.
- That too.
Excuse me.
Sam's waiting.
I'd love to belt you.
Welcome to the losers' club, baby.
Now that you've paid your dues, here's your membership card.
Yeah, we're a pair, aren't we? A couple of chumps that life just kicked in the teeth, and why am l talking like Broderick Crawford? Frasier, I know you think I'm jealous of Janet and Sam's relationship, but I'm not.
I just don't want to see him get hurt.
That's really all there is to it.
I think you're kidding yourself, Diane.
We both know the reason you've been down in the dumps.
But believe me, there's no need to be.
Sam is not really happy with that woman.
Imagine the mental strain it must be trying to use the right fork all the time.
Don't give up hope.
I haven't.
You're a lovely man.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I wish there was some way I could make you forgive me.
Well, marry me.
Bear my children.
Let me die in your arms.
I was thinking more along the lines of making fudge.
Well, I like your fudge.
- Hey, Diane, I'm leaving.
- Okay.
I'm gonna shut off the light and lock you in.
- Okay.
- Don't forget to cover the pool table.
- Okay.
- Make sure you pull your arms off - and stuff them down your throat.
- Okay.
What did? I'm sorry, honey.
Let me just check and make sure Woody remembered.
Go ahead.
I know it's had you preoccupied.
You hardly slept a wink during the mayor's entire speech.
Oh, darn it, Woody.
I knew he'd forget.
He forgot to leave the check for the beer man.
Or did I forget to tell him? No, no, no, he forgot to remind me to tell him.
- That's what it was.
- Did you have a good time tonight? I had a great time.
- That was nice.
- Yeah, nice in a great sort of way.
By the way, wasn't it funny running into one of your old girlfriends - working for the caterer tonight? - Was that weird? - What are the odds on that? - Pretty good, I'd say.
We run into your girlfriends all over town.
I'd like to point out that we didn't see one in the limo on the way home.
What's the longest relationship you've ever had, Sam? Oh, let's see.
I went out with one person there for a whole year.
- Mind if I ask who she was? - No, not at all.
Any time.
Oh, right, you're asking now.
Well, all right.
You're not gonna believe this.
Nobody did.
I mean, I even have trouble believing it.
It was Diane.
Unbelievable, huh? No, actually it explains quite a few things.
Well, that's That's Diane for you.
Unbelievable and explaining things.
But anyway, that's all over now.
Since things are over between you and Diane, - I wonder why she still works here.
- Why, she's gotta work someplace.
Does she owe you money she's trying to work off? No.
Would you lose customers if she leaves? No.
As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.
Sam, nobody said anything about letting her go, but, as a matter of fact, you might be doing her a favour.
Unless, of course, there are still feelings left between you two that I should know about.
Don't be silly.
Of course not.
I'm glad to hear that.
You know how much I care for you.
What are we doing here? Let's go home.
Listen, don't worry about that.
Diane is probably staying here because she thinks that I can't do without her.
- Sam? - Yeah? Do you really think that talented, bright, lovely woman belongs in a bar serving drinks? I guess not.
I mean, no, of course not.
Maybe she just needs a friendly shove out of the nest.
I hadn't thought about that before, in that way.
The sooner you do it, the sooner she'll be out of this dead-end job and on to something a lot more meaningful in her life.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Oh, Sam, what am I doing? I'm not being honest.
The truth is I'm just not comfortable with Diane working here.
I mean, you've had a past with her.
And I'm as insecure as anybody.
Are you saying that you think I should fire her? Sam, it's not my business.
And I'm not trying to interfere.
But if I were you, I'd do it right away.
- Tomorrow? - Yes.
Why not? Yeah, why not? I mean, tomorrow is as good as any time, I guess.
Hey, Carla? Carla, is Diane here yet? No, Diane is not here yet.
That is the third time you've asked me that.
Why would you, or anyone for that matter, want to see her? Well Just curious.
No reason.
Well, when she gets here, I'll make an announcement, okay? What's your problem? Carla has it ever occurred to you that Diane doesn't really belong here? You mean this bar or this planet? Either way, it's yes.
Sometimes I think this place just isn't good enough for somebody like her, you know? I mean, she's a cocktail waitress.
That's a dead-end job.
There's no future, no reward.
She, she's-- She's a junior cocktail waitress.
You are a senior cocktail waitress.
There's a big difference.
Listen, Sam, I know what this is all about.
You're not really that serious about this Eldridge babe, are you? To tell you the truth, I don't know how serious I am.
But I do know that I'm having the best time of my life.
And as you know, my life has been wall-to-wall fun.
She's smart, but at the same time she doesn't make me feel not smart.
I feel important when I'm around her.
I like that.
- Oh, puke.
- What? Will you cut it out? I mean, that is the sappiest junk I've ever heard.
Look, you've proven your point.
You can go out with classy dames like her.
You can go out with anybody.
Now, you've had your fun.
I want you to just quit fooling around, march right out there, and find yourself an airhead with big casabas.
What the heck has gotten into you, Carla? Sammy, it's just not right.
You are not a one-woman guy.
I mean, it's like the time of your great sickness.
- When I went out with Diane.
- That's right.
You're starting to get me worried.
No, no, no, you're nuts.
You're nuts, Carla.
When Diane gets here, say something.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! Hey, Mr Peterson.
Can I pour you a beer? Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one.
Make that 1 :30.
So, Normie, did Vera's sister, Donna, show? Yeah, she showed all right, Cliff.
She showed plenty.
Well, don't tell me she's still prancing around in her Skivvies, eh.
All right, listen to this.
I have to go to the room to get something, right? So I knock.
Once, twice, no answer.
So in I go, right? There she is, sitting on the bed, doing her nails, buck-naked.
Buck? Totally buck.
She tried to cover herself up, but believe me, an emery board doesn't hide much.
My nerves are just frazzled.
I don't know what I should do, Cliffie.
Well, I've got you covered here, Normie.
You need to relax.
Yeah, that's it.
- Right.
- Yeah, see, why don't you and l go over to your house and watch some tube, eh? Cheers.
Oh, just a minute.
It's for you, Mr Peterson.
Oh, hey, Miss Chambers.
Hello, Woody.
- Where's Sam? - He's in his office.
- He's dying to see you.
- Do you have an envelope behind the bar, Woody? Oh, Normie, you're as white as a sheet.
What's cooking? Oh, that was Vera.
Her aunt's taken sick.
She has to go to Springfield for a few days.
That leaves me at home alone with Donna.
Just you and the siren.
Hey, Mr Peterson, maybe you can use that siren thing to scare off your sister-in-law.
- Hi, Diane.
- Hello, Frasier.
Oh, say, what--? What's the matter with you? Sam thinks he's going to fire me.
But I have a little surprise for him.
- I'm resigning.
- You're leaving Cheers? - That's right.
- Well, great.
You can work for me.
I need a new receptionist.
Frasier, you have a wonderful receptionist.
Mrs McGrady has worked for you and your family for 20 years.
Well, yes, but I caught her in a typo the other day, so she's history.
- Thank you, Frasier.
I don't think so.
- Okay, but one word from you and that blue-haired head rolls.
Is she here yet? Oh, good, good.
You're just the person I wanna see.
Sweetheart, you are far too bright, talented and lovely to waste your-- Before you go any further, read this.
All right.
Well, does this--? Does this mean you're quitting? Isn't that what it clearly states on page five? But why? I mean, I don't understand why.
My reasons are enumerated here above the graph.
Oh, well, this-- This is great.
I mean, it's not great.
It's awful.
But I mean it's, well, it's great for you.
Don't you think? I mean, it's probably best for everybody in the long run.
Personally, I feel awful about this.
I know what you were going to do.
You were going to fire me.
What makes you say that? Let's just say a woman knows.
You were going to fire me.
And what have I done? I've made it easier for you.
People have always made things easier for you.
Well, I'm not going to let you off the hook.
I withdraw my resignation.
Fire me, if you can.
But I don't think you have the guts.
After all we've gone through, the good times and the bad, I say you don't have the courage to fire me to my face.
- You're fired.
- Too late.
I resign.
No, you can't do that.
No, you took back your resignation and you dared me to fire you.
No, you can't do that.
You're fired.
I did it.
The last time we had an official parting of the ways there was some question as to who left whom.
That is why this time I've gone to the trouble of tendering my resignation in the written form.
Legal precedent states that the written document always supersedes the spoken word, especially when it's spoken by a goof.
Oh, fine.
Who cares? See you in the funny papers.
Oh, that's perfect.
The funny papers.
Don't say another word.
Let that be the last utterance I remember.
And now I'm off to begin a new life.
- I shall forget you in a trice.
- Oh, a trice? Please, let that be the last word I hear from you.
You troglodyte.
That's even better! Attention, everyone.
May I have your attention, please? I have resigned.
I know this comes as a shock, but I've decided that I no longer fit into the scheme of things around here.
I go willingly with a gladful heart, for it has been my pleasure to serve you, and my privilege to know you, lo, these many years.
I shall miss you all.
But weep no tears for Diane Chambers.
She's tougher than you think.
She's going to be okay.
You bet she is.
So this is goodbye.
For there's one thing I know: You will never, ever see me again.
Hey, look, everyone.
It's Diane.