Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - House of Horrors With Formal Dining and Used Brick

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Yeah, it says here there's another sighting of the Loch Ness monster.
Yeah? Do you believe that? There's even a picture of him.
Whoa! Looks kind of like President Reagan.
That is Reagan.
The other picture's the monster.
Oh, I see.
Wonder if they'll ever catch that thing, huh? Well, I, for one, hope they never do.
I mean, none of us really want to see that poor beast hauled out of the water and put on display in some sideshow.
Well, I sure would.
You know, we could all go together.
I don't mind driving.
Yeah, but, uh, you see, Woody, they You know, it'd be kind of fun.
We could pack a lunch.
No, Woody, they All right, who wants peanut butter and jelly and who wants bologna? Woody, they I'll have one of each, all right? (piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Carla, how's that house-hunting going, huh? Does that answer your question? Yes, very nicely.
Boy, I'll tell you, it's hopeless.
I've looked everywhere in the Boston area, and I just cannot find a house in my price range.
After scrimping and saving for years, I think I got finally enough set aside for a little place, and find out I ain't got squat.
Well, what's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.
No, it's not.
My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller.
I don't know what it's like to be alone in a bathroom anymore.
What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is? More.
Much, much more.
I knew it.
Hello, everyone.
Hi.
DIANE: Sam, I happen to be free tonight.
If a certain gentleman should come to knock on my door, say, about 7:30, I wouldn't be adverse to going out.
I sure hope you get lucky.
Because I did; I got myself a hot date tonight.
I see what you're doing.
Even though I eventually agreed to marry you, you're still smarting from the sting of my initial rejection and looking for ways to punish me.
No, I'm not going out with other women to punish you.
That's just one of the perks.
If you're trying to make me jealous, you can stop.
I want you to date these women.
While they may look better in leotards-- then again, they may not-- they can't compare to the total package you've experienced with me.
Oh, I see-- we're talking brains.
Listen, I'll have you know that Tiffany happens to be a very exceptional young woman.
Ah, yes, Tiffany-- the girl with the IQ of a lamp.
Let me describe her for you: spandex wardrobe.
Spends all of her time in a gym.
Breasts that would provide shade for a small boy.
You, you're not even close.
You, you're so far from being close.
She makes me crazy.
Did you hear that? Yup.
Hi, can I speak to Tiffany, please? I don't know; try the aerobics class.
Yeah, yeah, will you just tell her that Sam can't make it tonight.
Uh, something's upset his stomach.
Yeah, thank you.
Whew.
Boy.
Got to be somebody in here with a brain.
I mean, I don't even care if she's good-looking.
You got a sister, Frasier? No.
You have a dress? What's the occasion? Hey, tutti-frutti and a rooti.
Oh, boy, a good and gracious afternoon to every one of you wonderful people.
Oh, Cliffie, cheer up, bud.
Eh, Normie, I'm a happy man.
I started a new route today.
So, where is it? Uh, Meadowview Acres.
You know, just north of the airport? It's a real plum.
Yeah, best route in the city.
No one else wanted it, huh? (chuckling) Are you kidding? It's a nesting ground for stewardesses out there.
Yeah, there's a house full of them, you know, living all together.
And they're nuts about me.
Well, how do you know that, Mr.
Clavin? Woody, they stand behind the curtain, laughing and giggling the way women do when they're taken with a man.
Have a couple of drafts, Woody? Oh, hey, Carla, listen, if you're still, uh, searching out a new house, uh, I got a doozy out there on my route.
I wrote out the, uh, particulars.
Give me this.
"Meadowview Acres.
" I know where that is.
I couldn't afford Hey, this thing is in my price range which means it is either built on quicksand, or is currently on fire.
CLIFF: Look, Carla, I looked at it and it looked all right to me.
Come on, Carla, check it out.
What do you got to lose? You really think I should? Yeah, remember what your horoscope said today? "Take a chance, explore other avenues.
" That's right! And you know what? That jives with my other two horoscopes, my tarot cards, and Madame Livinda's latest palm reading.
SAM: Well, there you go.
I think I better go give this thing a look-see.
I'll be back later.
Yeah, bye-bye.
CARLA: Okay.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, I'm a Leo.
What's my horoscope say? Young bartender should refill mug of thirsty patron at corner of bar.
Those things are so vague, they could apply to anyone.
Sammy! Sammy! Listen, I went to see that house, and it was perfect.
I mean, listen to this.
Me and the older kids could have rooms of our own.
Oh-ho! And there's this big kitchen with Formica as far as the eye could see.
And there's grass, Sammy.
I mean, can you imagine having grass of your very own to water and mow and lie down in naked anytime you want.
That's the American dream, all right.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh-- there's a fireplace.
Finally the kids are going to have a place where they're supposed to start a fire.
I'm so excited, I don't know what to do.
Carla, you're talking like you've already bought the place.
I did.
You what? I bought it! I did! (everyone exclaiming) They took my first offer.
Went through without a hitch.
Your very first offer? Yeah, yeah, they could see I'd be a tough negotiator and buckled under.
Well, when do you move in? In a few weeks.
I got to wait for the loan to clear, but the guy at the bank said not to worry, so I'm not going to.
Life is too wonderful to worry.
Thank you.
SAM: Carla, Carla, don't you think there's somebody else you ought to say something to? Oh.
Cliff.
Stop.
Don't move.
Don't turn around.
Don't say anything.
Just look at the floor.
Huh? Just do as I said.
Cliff, I want to thank you for telling me about the house.
You're welcome.
Oh, puke.
I knew you'd get mushy.
I see the search for intelligent forms of life continues.
Do you mind? You're in my light.
I am your light.
Happy hunting.
Uh-huh.
Evening, everybody.
EVERYONE: Norm! What's shakin', Mr.
Peterson? What isn't? Hey, there, Norm.
Carla bought that house I told her about.
And she knew its history? What, what do you mean? Well, the asking price just seemed a little low for that area, so I did a little checking on my own.
Oh, no.
I don't think I want to hear this.
Yeah, apparently, the house is built directly over the graveyard of a 17th-century prison.
Oh, my God! It wasn't exactly a white-collar prison, either.
The worst murderers and cutthroats of their time.
They executed hundreds of them.
(groans) Local legend has it that they're going to rise from the grave and seek revenge on whoever dares to live there.
(groaning) NORM: Well, we all know how superstitious Carla is.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! What's with him? He, uh, forgot his dry cleaning.
Let me have a scotch and an Irish coffee.
I guess she doesn't know about it, huh? Of course she doesn't know.
Would you buy a house that had that kind of history? Houses have karmas.
SAM: Look at her; she's so happy.
But she has a right to know.
Well, I don't know.
It's always dangerous to mess with Carla, but especially when she's happy.
It's like when, uh, Frankenstein was playing with the little girl, you know? It was a bad time to go up to him with a torch.
CLIFF: Yes, it's a terrible time; a terrible, terrible time.
I don't know; I think Diane's right.
I think we should tell her.
Maybe it's not too late to do something about it.
Hey, Carla? Yeah, Sam? I got something to tell you about the house.
Something not great.
I knew it.
Carla Tortelli, when will you ever learn? After all these years of heartbreak, you still get your hopes up.
Okay, get it over with.
What's wrong with it? Diane? Carla, your house is built over a 17th-century prison graveyard.
That's it? Mm-hmm.
Thank God! I thought you were gonna say it had dry rot.
Dry? Oh, no problem.
So, how's the new homeowner, huh? Fine.
Just great.
Well, are you still living out of those cardboard boxes? Yeah, you know how it is.
DIANE: You know, Carla, I really admire you.
It took such courage to overlook the unhallowed ground on which your house is built.
I know I would've had my last earthly moment of rest in that house the moment I moved in.
Why, I could no more close my eyes in that cauldron of blood than sever my own arm.
SAM: Hey, Diane Oh, yes, well Angels on your pillow.
You know, I get this feeling in my gut that something's bothering Carla.
I'm going to find out what it is.
Hey, uh, so, Carla, how's the house? It's a great house! It's a wonderful house! It's the best house in the world! (angrily): Ooh! What's the matter? Nothing.
Did you find a problem after you moved in? No 'cause I haven't actually moved in yet.
So you are bothered by the house's history? Of course I'm bothered by it.
I saw Poltergeist.
Do you think I want to end up in the TV? I just didn't say anything before 'cause I didn't want anyone to know I was scared.
Sammy, there's something evil in that house, something cold and clammy and horrible.
It doesn't want me there.
Carla, I've had phobias before, and I've found that the first essential step in overcoming one is to confront it.
I'll bet if you spent one night, God help you, in that house your fears would be licked.
Hey.
You're not going to let anything stand in the way of your dreams, are you? No, I'm not.
I've never been a quitter.
I'm going to spend tonight in that house.
Good for you, Carla.
Damn right! I'm going to conquer this thing.
I'm not going to let any demons from the other world deny me my house.
Last chance to stop me.
(dog growling faintly) (keys rattling) (lock clicks) (door creaking) (switch clicks twice) (clicking repeatedly) (sighs) Only ten more hours to go.
(doorbell rings) (gasps, shrieks) What are you two ding-a-lings doing here? Well, uh, we, uh, come to spend the night.
And, uh I brought you a little pizza with anchovies.
I hate anchovies.
Yeah, me, too.
Then let's eat, huh? Hey, you know, this is a, uh, nice place, Carla.
NORM: Yeah.
Oh, yeah, hey, look.
Great fireplace here, Normie.
Yeah.
Super living room.
Hey, you know, with a, uh, little fresh paint and some new wallpaper you'll have some, uh fresh paint and new wallpaper.
Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but it's not necessary.
I'm fine.
Oh, sure, you're fine.
It's a terrific place, Carla.
It's got a really nice feeling in here.
It's, uh, warm and cozy.
Have you checked out the rest of the place yet? No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.
Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to just about everything.
(dogs howling outside) What was that? Hound from hell.
No, no, no, no.
That's, a that was a Dalmatian.
I'd say probably six, seven years old.
Definitely neutered.
Yep I've, uh, never been bitten by that breed, but, uh (phone rings) What was that? It was the telephone.
Keep an eye on Indiana Jones here, huh? I do not have a good feeling about this place, Cliff.
All right, Normie, look, I said we're going to stick it out, and that's exactly what we're going to do, eh? All right, if the going gets tough, you can count on Norm Peterson.
Well, that was Sam.
Vera called.
She wants you to come home.
Yep.
I'm out of here.
Norm, Norm, come on! I mean, since when are you in such a rush to get home to Vera? Since you moved in over a graveyard, Carla.
Guys, look, I-I'm sorry.
I just I don't know.
Scary stuff just scares me.
Hey, hey, Normie, you're driving! (sighs) Well, guess it's, uh just the two of us, huh? Yep.
("A Summer Place" playing) You can take off, too, you know.
There's nothing keeping you here.
Yeah, no, I know.
Oh I love that song.
Gee, I went to a lot of dances in high school.
You were a dancer? No, no, I was on the, uh, decorating committee.
I still have crepe paper stains on my fingers.
Yeah, I remember, you know, watching all those kids out there having one hell of a time, and I thought, "Boy, I'd love to be out there with them," but I could never find a partner to practice with.
Fascinating.
Hey, hey, hey, keep your grubby fingers off my piece there.
Hey, Carla, you know something? This is the, uh, first time we've ever been alone together.
Please, I'm eating.
Can I ask you a question? Who's stopping you? How come you're always getting on me? Is it my fault you're such a yutz? And as long as we're asking questions, what are you doing here tonight? Well, having a little beer and a little pizza, and, uh helping a friend through a scary night.
You think I'm scared? I'm not scared.
No, Carla it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Remember what, uh, Ernest Hemingway said Would you shut up? No, I think that was Jack London.
Look, Carla, I feel a little responsible for getting you into this, and I just thought you needed, uh, somebody to be here with you.
I don't need anybody, least of all you.
All right.
Fine.
(door creaks open) Cliff? ("Blue on Blue" playing) You know, uh I taught a couple of guys to dance in my day.
So? So nothing.
First rule: no stepping on the teacher's feet.
(chuckles) Well, yes, ma'am.
Give me your hands.
Loosen up, would ya? I don't bite.
Well, not you.
All right, rock, walk.
Rock don't bounce.
BOTH: Rock, walk, rock, walk CARLA: There you go.
Hey! Hey! What was your leg doing underneath my head? I don't know.
Hey, I was asleep.
I, I, I didn't even enjoy it.
You better not have.
What, uh, what time is it? It's 4:30 in the morning.
Whoo It's gonna be dawn soon.
Hey! I did it! I stayed here all night! The spell is broken.
Thank you, Cliff.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I wonder how long she's been wanting to do that.
It's gonna be okay.
My luck is finally changing.
Hey, can you feel it? Uh, feel what? The house, it's different now.
It likes me.
It wants me.
You know what? I think I'm gonna put the couch right over here.
And the oil painting of me and Elvis on that wall.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And the easy chair (rumbling) What's that? I don't know.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! They're coming to get us.
They're gonna drag us back down to the grave with them! (gasps) (screaming) (jet engines roaring) (screaming) No, wait, no, Carla, know what that is? It it's-it's not the dead coming out of the grave to feast on human flesh.
It's an L-1011 wide-body.
You know, the sounds are very similar.
Yeah.
And I understand that during foggy weather, they have to reroute those babies to runway two-niner.
It must be near here.
Do you mean that this house, my house, is at the end of a runway? (whimpering): Uh-huh.
And that was a wide-body jet landing ten feet from my backyard? (whimpers): Yeah.
And this house is not cheap because it's haunted, but because it is right next to the airport? Yeah.
I'm home! Yay!