Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Tan N' Wash

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Boy, did I have a crazy dream last night.
What was it? I was at this party with a bunch of strangers.
The food was great.
The music was loud.
All of a sudden, everybody in the place stopped and was lookin' at me, and I realized that I wasn't wearing any pants.
Oh, yes, yes.
I've had that dream a million times.
Yeah, me, too, and boy, is it ever embarrassing, huh? Why is that? Uh uh, Norm? Never embarrassed me.
Tell you the one I hate.
You know, you're back in college, right? And you haven't been to class the entire semester, and the teacher's about to give the final exam.
Oh, yeah, that one's the worst.
What're you talkin' about, Carla? You never went to college.
It's a dream, stupid.
Well, how about the one where you go to this fancy restaurant, and before they let you in, they make you leave your legs at the door? Then the girl gives you claim check number six.
So you go in, but instead of food, everyone's eatin' their silverware.
Only you can't really enjoy your fork because you're so worried that whoever got claim check number nine might finish first and pick up your legs by mistake.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go ♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪ ♪ And they're always glad you came ♪ You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Two vodka martinis and a Wallbanger.
Wallbanger! Sam, I need to ask a big favor.
All right, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Okay, then, I need to ask a huge favor.
Would it be possible two weeks from this coming Wednesday for me to leave work early about ten minutes? Sure, why not? Oh, thank you, Sam.
Thank you very much.
And thank you for not prying further into the matter.
Especially since, well, I've no valid excuse for my early departure.
Sam, I must be frank.
Sounds good.
I'll be Bob.
I mean, it's not as if I had a dental appointment or had to pick up some relative at the airport.
Okay, Diane, why do you have to leave early two weeks from this Wednesday? Well, if you must know I have a date.
Oh, yeah, I've heard of those.
Have fun.
Oh, sweet transparent bravado.
Could there be a soul dearer than the little boy lost, trembling on the edge of despair, yet struggling manfully to maintain his stiff upper lip? Thank you for noticing.
Oh, wait, Sam, wait.
One more thing.
What? After our five-star-dinner- and-season-premiere- of-the-ballet date, Chad-- Dr.
Stark, may desire a kiss.
Would you mind-- should he ask-- if I let his lips touch mine? Touch your what? Oh, Mr.
Peterson, I forgot.
Some guy dropped by earlier and asked me to give this to you.
Oh, thank you, Woody.
And thank you, God! Oh, well, what's that, Normie? A research grant from the National Beer Foundation? No, Cliffie, just a measly little pair of sky-view seats for the Sox-Yankee doubleheader tomorrow.
Whoa, you're kidding me! I pulled every string I had and I could only score standing room.
Come on.
How'd you get that? Sammy, it's not who you know, it's who I know, all right? Yeah.
A client friend of mine, Jerry Donahue, sent those babies over to thank me for being such a fantastic financial counselor.
No, seriously, how'd you get 'em? I'm tellin' you, I saved the guy a bundle on his taxes last year.
He asked me to invest his windfall, you know? And in the space of six short months, I kinda doubled his money.
We got lucky on a little convenience mart in Worcester.
What'd you do? Hold it up? (laughs) You guys are hilarious.
But Jerry's laughing all the way to the bank, all right? I diversified the guy.
We went into, uh, mutuals, and a very pretty little biotech company that just went public.
Boy, sounds like you got the Midas touch there.
You should hear some of the other great ideas we have cooked up.
Yeah? Like what? Mm no, no, sorry, guys.
My lips are sealed.
Buy you a beer.
It's called "Tan 'N Wash".
Tan and wash, guys.
The ultimate marriage of luxury and convenience.
A combination tanning salon and coin-operated laundry.
Get real.
Come on.
The timing's right on this.
Summer tans are fading.
Winter's coming.
It's always dirty clothes season.
It's gonna be the hottest place in town.
I'm glad you're already thinking about arson.
(laughs): Yeah, arson.
Don't listen to them, Norman.
And never be deterred by the mindless jibes of the ignorant masses.
Those ignorant masses are gonna be our customers.
Hey, I'll be there will bells on.
Everyone'll be there, buddy, fluffing, folding, relaxing happily beneath the healthful rays of a federally approved UVA bronzing unit.
Well, Normie, I gotta say it's the silliest, most harebrained scheme I've ever heard of.
Well, I gotta go.
(quietly): Normie, walk me out.
I'm not leaving yet, Cliff.
Neither am I.
Ma and I want in.
In where? Don't be naive, Normie.
Put me up for five shares.
No, no, no.
Investments are risky, Cliff.
Look, I never do business with friends, all right? Besides, it's 200 bucks a share.
Put me down for five, too, will ya? Oh, great, Norm, now the cat's outta the bag! CARLA: I think you're all crazy.
But if Clavin makes big bucks and I don't, I won't be able to live with the shame.
Give me a share.
Oh, me, too! Me, too! You, Diane? Laying bets on a laundry? Well, in my case, it's not a gamble, but rather a show of faith in our great free enterprise system.
Yes, even Diane Chambers is not immune to the renaissance of American patriotism in the 1980s.
Although I hasten to remind you this does not imply any shifting of my support toward the current administration.
I hope nobody was looking for a silent partner.
CARLA: You know, Diane, you shouldn't be investin' in a tanning salon.
You oughta be usin' one.
You got skin the color of Elmer's glue.
I happen to have what Restoration poets refer to as "alabaster skin.
" Well, at least your hair looks nice.
Besides, with my rendezvous with Chad coming up, I dare not risk freckling.
Why not? If it got boring, you could always play connect-the-dots.
God, how this must torment you.
No, no, no, come on, Norm.
You gonna let us in or not? Let's just change the subject, all right? Hey, he's tryin' to sidetrack us.
This thing must be a gold mine.
Yeah, yeah, hey, Normie, uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but yesterday you had a letter you needed mailed.
I did it, and you can at least return the favor.
Cliffie, that's your job.
Well, all right.
Then, as one professional to another-- come on, Norm! (all pleading) I know what's gonna happen! I know what's gonna happen.
Somethin's gonna go wrong and you're all gonna blame me.
(all protesting) All right, well, well.
All right, yes! Whoo! Whoo! Hey, Wood, do you want in? I don't think so.
You know, when I left home, my father gave me some very sound advice.
"Never trust a man who can't look ya in the eye.
"Never talk when you can listen.
"And never spend venture capital on a limited partnership without a detailed, analytical fiduciary prospectus.
" Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, Norm, how's the world been treatin' ya? Like a baby treats a diaper.
So what's the deal with the, uh, "Tan 'N Wash"? For a new business, I'd say Tan 'N Wash is doing as well as could be expected.
Oh, yeah? I dropped by this morning and the only customer in the place was a lonely woman kicking the hell out of a jammed change machine.
Oh, come on.
By the way, you owe me a quarter and a new pair of shoes.
Patience, Carla, all right? Patience.
There are gray skies on the horizon.
Yeah, it's gonna get cold and damp and miserable.
We'll be wading in customers.
Yeah, I think we're wading in something right now.
I've worked out a great new promotional campaign.
Promotional campaign? Yeah.
Whew! Hey, hey! Check out Mr.
Tan there, huh? Say, Sammy, did you just fly to the tropics and spend a week and thousands of dollars under the blazing, unhealthy sun? (dismissive laugh) No, no, Norm.
No, I just spent my lunch hour under some healthful, federally approved UVA rays at the Tan 'N Wash.
Say, those clothes are really lookin' clean there, pal.
Well, thank you, Norm.
Now is it true that with these coupons anyone can get 25% off on their first five visits? Well, that's what I hear.
Well! Hey I tell ya, is that Cliff Clavin or is that Don Ho, huh? Uh Where ya been, buddy, some, uh, faraway island resort? Oh, easy mistake, Norm, but, no, I got this tan right here in Beantown.
Is that at the new Tan 'N Wash I've been hearing so danged much about? That's right, Normie.
And, by the way, did you realize that the tan first gained popularity in what is now known as the Bronze Age? Great, great.
Well, I'm sold.
Oh, and, by the way, look how white I used to be.
You wore your socks in the tanning booth? Well, I, I gotta be careful, Sammy.
The Clavin men have, uh, feet like a baby's bottom.
With faces to match.
Will you back off, Carla? I don't see you pitchin' in for the cause here.
Yeah, yeah? Well, all I know is I wouldn't stick a fork in a toaster, never mind my valuables.
Come on, guys.
Uh, whatta you say we snap up these flyers? They can't last forever.
Wouldn't be so sure, Norm.
You know, Peterson, you've got the guts of a burglar.
In here peddling a tanning salon on the sunniest day of the year.
Outside of someone with a financial interest in the place, who'd be stupid enough to spend a minute in your rip-off joint? You try to help out a few newly enterprising friends and what do you get for your trouble? Sit.
Keep it down, will ya? Keep it down here.
Keep it down? I've got the worst sunburn of my life, thanks to a faulty thermo-regulator on tanning machine number three, the Bahama Mama.
Frasier, you're supposed to start off slowly, all right? But I must say, you do have one heck of a fantastic base coat there, Fras.
Yeah, and your, uh, your shirt sure smells fresher.
Really? It's not too lemony? Not for you.
(humming "Isn't It Romantic") (humming) Sorry.
(humming) Well, it's just that it's such a lovely, sunny day out as your tanned faces will attest.
Well, I guess I'm feeling especially girlish.
How come, Miss Chambers? Nah, nah, nah, don't, don't.
You know, Woody-- the usual thing that puts a bounce in a girl's step.
Ah! Support hose.
You're adorable.
No, I'm referring to a very special evening.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Didn't you have a date or something last night? You know perfectly well I saw Chad, but-- it was no big deal.
(humming "Isn't It Romantic") Yeah.
I refuse to ask her about last night.
You ask her, Woody.
Well, looky here.
The paper predicts the same high for Boston as Honolulu.
That is Honolulu, Hawaii, the state where you can get a free tan all year round.
Carla, if you're trying to say something, why don't you just spit it out, all right? Tan 'N' Wash bites it.
Okay, I'll admit Indian summer's killing us temporarily, but this is Boston.
It's gonna get cold.
(humming "Isn't It Romantic") Hey, Sam.
I found out all about Miss Chambers' date.
I mean, uh beautiful night of magic.
Just spill it, will ya, Woody? Well, the ballet was exquisite, but it paled by comparison to the enchanting coach ride under the stars.
Chad held her porcelain - like hand lightly, tracing tiny circles on her alamander Alabaster.
alabaster skin, and then, fearing that the spell might be broken, she invited him up to her pied-de-teer for some quiet conversation and warm brandy, and then What? Miss Chambers said if you want to hear the rest, you gotta ask her yourself.
(laughing) Oh Forget it! Forget it, man! Oh, ask her, Sam.
Sounds like you won't be disappointed.
Forget it.
Frasier, a sunburn? No, I'm doing my impression of a blood blister.
CARLA: Hey, Frasier.
You know, there's something I've always been meaning to ask you.
What was your reaction the first time you saw Diane naked? (screams in pain) Normie, I can't hold out any longer.
Ma's getting antsy.
The last time she spent a thousand dollars was on a house.
Cliff, I'm sorry.
I-I really am, but you guys begged me to let ya in.
It's not like I didn't warn you.
CARLA: Oh, sure.
"Don't do this.
I pray to God you don't do this.
" You call that a warning? You know, I predicted this.
You guys are nervous Nellies and you're trying to blame it all on me.
I want out, Norm.
Yeah, me, too.
Who wants a tan in the winter anyway? Wait, wait.
This is not the smart move.
You gotta hang in there.
You gotta roll with the punches, all right? You're gonna roll with the punches if you don't get us outta this.
Nah, I just don't think that we're cut out for it.
Apparently not, all right? Yeah, geez, have it your way, guys, okay? Look, all right, I tell ya what.
Okay? I'll personally buy out your shares, all right? I'll have your checks in the mail within a week.
Stupid mistake.
Ooh, ooh, boy.
It's still snowing out there.
Yeah, and every flake means another buck in Norm's pocket.
You, you guys still moaning because Norm hit the jackpot and you didn't? Hey, come on, Paul, give us some credit for being adults, huh? Hey, what do you say we toilet paper his house? Nah, it'd only make it look better.
Sam, excuse me.
May I have your ear for a moment? Sure.
Just don't leave any bite marks.
Sam, I've decided to break off my relationship with Chad.
Who? What an actor you are.
You know, if you hadn't chosen bartending, you could well have had a career in the theater.
Or as a model.
Anyway, you needn't continue this charade of nonchalance.
I'm ending my affaire de coeur because I can sense how it's secretly gnawing away at you.
all right.
I'm glad.
All I've been able to think about is you and Chad.
In your apartment.
In his car, on the stairs.
Doing things even we never did.
I mean, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Oh, Sam.
Really? Gee, maybe I could have been an actor.
Oh! Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norman.
How're you feeling today, Norm? Rich and thirsty.
Pour me a beer.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Boy, you sure have gotten successful, huh? Well, Woody, you know what they say about success.
It's one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.
So is your shirt.
Yeah, and you know what else they say about success there, Mr.
Rockeflounder? It's lonely at the top.
Yeah, but the food's better, Cliff.
Hey, you don't have to rub our noses in it, man.
I mean, we're your friends, after all.
Friends? You call yourselves friends? The last four or five times I've walked in here, you treat me as if I've done something wrong.
You know, not one of you guys has bothered to congratulate me for my success.
Which, I might add, you all had a chance to share in.
Maybe I should just take my refreshment business elsewhere.
When I think of all the hours I wasted in here when I could have been wasting them somewhere else.
DIANE: Norman, Norman.
Please don't leave.
We're taking it out on you, but we're really mad at ourselves.
The hostility you're feeling is for our own stupidity at bailing out of this project.
Right, everyone? You guys are beautiful.
Oh, well, come on, wait a second.
Come on back here.
Yeah, we've been actin' like creeps, Normie.
CARLA: I'll fluff up your favorite stool.
Yeah, I'll open a fresh bag of pretzels.
And I'll pour you a beer just the way you like it-- within reach.
What we're trying to say here is, we're sorry.
CLIFF: Yeah.
You had the guts to stick it out, and we didn't, and you deserve all the success now.
Thank you, Sam.
I'm really glad to hear that because, uh, I have a little surprise for you guys.
I never took you out of Tan 'N' Wash at all.
And here are your first dividend checks right here, huh? Oh, Norman! You're kidding me.
(all talking excitedly) ALL: ? For he's a jolly good fellow ? For he's a jolly good fellow, ? For he's a jolly good fellow, ? (phone rings) WOODY: Cheers.
It's for you.
Put 'em on hold.
Which nobody can deny.
All right.
This is great.
Hey, look at that! It's snowing even harder out now.
Oh, it's a harbinger of good fortune! You said it, bone butt! Snow today means dough tomorrow.
Hey, let's carry Mr.
Peterson around the bar on our shoulders and then go play in the snow.
Let's go play in the snow.
Hold it! Hold it! Last one out's a Clavin.
No, you're not.
You're not gonna get me this time.
Oh, I'm always the Clavin.
Ah, Woody.
Woody, Woody, Woody.
Look at them, huh? Isn't that great? They're singin' and dancin'.
It gives me a great feeling all over to do something good for those people.
Oh, speaking of people, you got one on hold here.
Yeah, hi.
Oh, no.
No, get out.
No! What're you? No, man, no! No Well, at least we No?! We, no, but wait a, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Bad news, Mr.
Peterson? Wrong number, Woody.
Aren't those annoying? (all yelling, laughing) Uh Huh! Guys! Good friends! Listen, people, uh, excuse me! Listen, I know things have been going just beautifully, but, uh, hey, would you stop jumping up and down for a second?! Thank you.
Now let's just take a hypothetical situation.
Just for fun, let's just say that the roof collapsed over at Tan 'N' Wash from the weight of all this snow and by some little quirk we didn't have any insurance.
How would you guys feel about that, huh? Just checking.