Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Dog Bites Cliff

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Don't work too hard there, Diane.
I don't mind.
Our wedding day draws ever nearer, and all this conditioning is simply preparation for that special moment.
When you and I exchange rings, my hands must be pristine, because everyone's eyes will be on my fingers.
And everyone's fingers'll be down their throats.
Oh, Carla.
Sweet, pathetic Carla.
Can't you see that I am in far too good a mood to let your petty asides bother me? I'm afraid you'll just have to find some other way of bugging me.
If you insist.
(screaming) (piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Yes! Thank you for telling me.
If you don't hear from me in an hour, I'll be there.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, Sam, uh, may I speak to you for a minute? Oh, it'd be a new record if you do.
Um, that was a Buddhist monastery called The Glade.
I've been hoping to go on retreat there, and guess what? They have a vacancy.
Oh, great! Yeah, I heard all the monks went to Fort Lauderdale this year.
No, Sam, it's not a resort.
It's a contemplative retreat where people go as a means of purifying their souls.
For two weeks, you're isolated from others to commune with yourself.
You are provided with a small room.
You're fed pure, toxin-free foods.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.
And they have the biggest Buddha east of the Mississippi.
Ooh! Man! Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he? Uh-huh.
Well, it's not exactly Vegas, but, uh, all right, I'll give it a try.
Wh-Wh-What should I bring? Oh No, Sam I'm going alone.
Only in my solitude can I discover who we are.
SAM: Oh, wait-wait a minute here.
This isn't one of those weird cults where they-they mess with your head and you end up handing out flowers at the airport.
You will be coming back, won't you? No, I won't be coming back, but I will.
(laughs) I guess I just made up a little Zen koan, didn't I? Let me explain.
A koan is a a paradox upon which one meditates in order to become more enlightened.
Uh, well, for example, what was your face before your parents were born? Easy.
A ten.
This is kind of fun.
You got any more? DIANE: Well, I'm off to The Glade.
It is all right, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, what the heck? Why not? Sure, go ahead.
Good-bye, my love.
SAM: Bye-bye.
Steal me an ashtray.
Hey, hey, hey, is Diane taking the day off again? No.
Good.
She's taking two weeks off.
(gasps) No, Sammy, that's not fair! Come on, she's always takin' off for one stupid reason or another.
Can't we just kill her? Sh-She's my fiancée, Carla.
Is that a yes? No, it's not.
Hey, hey, everybody.
SAM: Hey, Cliffie.
What's with your leg? Eh, I'd rather not talk about it.
Got bitten by a dog.
Ten stitches to close the wound.
I tell you, these unleashed animals are a menace to postal workers.
Well, you're going to sue, aren't you? Well Now, I may be wrong, Carla, but I don't think you can sue members of the animal kingdom.
I'm talking about the owners, Nellie Belle.
CLIFF: No, there-there's no need to sue.
I left a, uh, strongly worded note in their mailbox.
Well, that's too bad, Cliff.
I know a lawyer who would take it on a contingency basis.
It wouldn't cost you a dime, and you might end up with a sizable settlement.
All right, if it'll get you off my back.
All right.
(phone rings) (phone drops in the water) Cheers.
Yeah, oh, just a minute, please.
Mr.
Clavin, for you.
Uh, take a message.
I'll call 'em back, Wood.
Yeah, can he get back to you? Oh, yes, ma'am.
She wants to know how your leg is.
Eh? Eh? See? The mutt's owner tracked me down.
Well, tell her that she can deep-six that phony concern of hers.
It doesn't cut it with me.
You can deep-six your phony concern.
It doesn't cut it with him.
Tell her my leg and I will see her in court.
His leg and him will see you in court.
Oh, okay, I'll tell him.
Uh, your mom wants you to be home by 6:00 for dinner.
Woody, Woody, why didn't you tell me it was my mother? I just did.
No, I mean before.
Well, I didn't know it was her till I picked up the phone.
No, Woody When you were talkin' to her, why didn't you say it was her? She already knew that.
Uh, I'd leave it alone, Cliff.
I think it's one of those Zen koan things.
Eh, buono sera, mi amigos.
Hey, Cliffie, how's your leg? Oh, stiffening up there, Sammy.
Uh, the muscle's all cramped, and I think the, uh, wound's getting a little infected.
And the mental anguish that goes along with this You know, you just you just can't put a price on this.
Well, let me guess here.
You've seen an attorney.
Yep.
Yeah, yeah, the guy said that, uh, you know, decided in favor of the postman.
Well, good for you, Cliff.
You deserve to get a little satisfaction out of this.
Yeah, yeah, about, uh, Two hundred thousand?! Dinner is on Cliff, all right? Huh, what do you say, buddy? I'll go upstairs, snag us a table, check out the specials.
I'll be right back.
Eh, eh? Hey, maybe I could sue somebody about my broken thumb.
I mean, after all, I did slip on the ice.
Well, maybe so.
Where'd it happen? Right outside the bar here.
No, you don't have a case.
Hey, Cliff? Huh? Have you ever thought that you might be suing some poor, sweet, little old lady? Hey, listen, uh, sharpie, who she is is irrelevant.
It's the letter of the law that's been violated here, and I just can't wait to get her into court and tear her to pieces with my verbal gymnastics.
(chuckles) Um I'm looking for a Mr.
Cliff Clavin.
Yep.
You left this note in my mailbox.
I'm afraid it was my dog that bit you.
Uh Uh Excuse me.
Cliffie, wh-what are you trying to say? (speaking gibberish) Yes, sh-she is very attractive.
Mr.
Clavin, I'm terribly sorry about what happened.
Uh, how is your leg? (speaking gibberish) Cliffie, we're in luck.
The special is filet of filet filet filet Great.
Stereo.
SAM: Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Sit down, sit down.
Come on, come on, come on.
Can I, uh can I can I offer you a-a drink, Miss? Keith.
Madeline Keith.
A white wine would be lovely, thank you.
Coming right up.
Look, um I don't have very much money, but I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
That's good.
That's good.
Anything to ease the burden on you and your family.
You're not married.
You're not married.
Oh, oh, I mean, I'm not married.
But I could be if I wanted to, right, Sam? Sure, Cliff.
Well I can't imagine a man like you living alone.
Uh, uh, I don't live alone.
I live with my mother.
Oh? Yeah, well, it's, you know, not that I have to.
It's we're related.
Uh, well, you know, don't get me wrong.
I mean, I like her.
Uh No, I think it's wonderful that you're taking care of your mother in her old age.
Oh, uh couldn't throw her out in the street, I guess, huh? Hey, I mean, who-who'd make my lunch? (laughs) Oh, Mr.
Clavin You know it's too bad we didn't meet under different circumstances.
We could've been friends.
Yeah I guess that is too bad, huh? Look here is my number.
If you need anything call me.
WOODY: Maybe it's just me, but I think that woman's kind of pretty.
Really? I, uh hadn't noticed.
Too busy thinking about the lawsuit, huh? Lawsuit? TV ANNOUNCER: Jake the Snake is body-slammed to the mat.
He's pinned by Hulk Hogan.
One, two, three! The Hulk wins it! Oh, man, that Hulk Hogan is amazing, isn't he? Woody, the thing is fixed.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hulk Hogan can't have children.
It's evolution's loss.
Hey, everybody.
Cliffie, who died? The old Cliff Clavin, that's who, Normie.
Nice threads.
CLIFF: Ah, thank you, Sammy.
Can I have a little drink there, uh, Woody? We have, uh, enough time before Madeline and I go out to dinner this evening.
Wait a minute, are you still seeing each other? Every day this week, buddy.
Oh, things are getting pretty hot, huh? Sammy, our relationship is not based merely on the physical, huh? He isn't getting any.
Well, I, uh, better go check up on our reservations.
Uh, Cliff, I hate to bring up an ugly subject, but, uh Oh, that's okay, Sam.
We're already in the area.
Are-Are you still planning to go through with the lawsuit? Well, you, uh, you know how slowly the wheels of justice grind there, Samuel.
Uh-oh.
(whistles) Guess what sap is being suckered into dropping a lawsuit? Well, now, not necessarily now, all right? Let's just take a look at all these facts, as complicated as they may be, and see if we can come to a conclusion about this.
Okay, let's start where this gorgeous woman is interested in Cliff, all right? Now, I don't think we have to go any further than that.
No, now, just a second.
I mean, I don't think we're really being fair.
Now, let's say if an ugly woman were interested in Cliff, would any of us be suspicious? If a living woman were interested in Cliff, I'd be suspicious.
You know, I got to go along with Dr.
Crane on this one.
I can't believe that someone would actually lie just to save a lot of money.
Woody, don't help me, okay? Listen, somebody's got to tell Cliff the truth.
I guarantee that he'll never talk to the person who does.
Okay, you talked me into it.
Hey, Hopalong! Come here.
I want to talk to you.
CLIFF: Huh? (clears throat) I don't know how to tell you this.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I do.
You're an idiot! Everybody in the bar thinks that babe is playing you for a fool and the second you drop your lawsuit, you're history.
You are a sap.
I know but I'm having the time of my life.
You know, uh, how often am I a sap with a beautiful woman? I mean, I usually am a sap with the bowsers, but, uh when Madeline and I walk into a restaurant, all the guys' heads, they turn.
And they're not saying, "Hey there's a beautiful woman over there with a sap.
" Yes, they are.
Look, all I know is that as long as we're together, there's a good chance she may grant me the, uh, ultimate favor.
Yeah, right, Clavin.
You're threatening to sue her, not kill her.
Oh, uh, Madeline.
You You look ravishing as ever.
Thank you, Cliff.
I thought you would like it.
(laughs) Like it?! If I had better legs, I'd get one for myself.
(giggles) Oh, Cliff, you're adorable.
(chuckling) Uh, we better get going.
Uh, late for the reservations, huh? Um, before we go, I think we need to sit down and have a talk.
Is, there, uh, something wrong? Actually, yes.
What, uh what is it, Madeline? MADELINE: Well this lawsuit has been preying on my mind, and well, my attorney gave me this.
It's a waiver form.
It releases me from all liability for the dog bite.
And, uh, I guess you want me to sign it, huh? I want you to tear it up.
Well, I don't understand Please, just tear it up.
When this first began, I thought I could get you to drop the lawsuit, if I was nice to you.
But then, the funniest thing happened.
I grew to like you a lot.
But I'll understand if you hate me for what I was going to do.
I was playing with your emotions when you've been so honest with me.
Uh, well, I-I forgive you, Madeline, uh No, you're a decent guy, Cliff.
Maybe I just better go.
No, uh, Madeline, wait.
Uh, look, I-I-I Anything you did, it doesn't make a difference to me.
You're not just saying that to make me feel better? No, I swear it.
Scout's honor.
Oh, Cliff, oh! Oh! Doesn't it feel good to clear the air? Oh, yeah, it does.
Look, why don't we forget about the dinner and rent a room somewhere and just celebrate our socks off? Really? Well, uh well, the, uh, Ritz is just around the corner.
Why, Cliff, I think that's a wonderful idea.
Carla, would, uh, you be a dear and, uh, cancel dinner reservations for the, uh, Sap party? We're, uh we're going to have, uh, Ritz service at the room.
(chuckles) I, uh, I meant Ritz service at the room.
Can you believe I said "Ritz service at the room"? What I meant was, uh, Ritz service at the room.
(phone rings) Cheers.
Oh, hey, Mr.
Clavin, what's new? Sure thing.
Hold on.
Sam, it's for you.
Yeah, Cliff? Oh, hey, Sammy Sammy? It's, uh, it's about to happen.
And y-you stopped to call me? She's, uh, she's in the john putting on her best bib and tucker.
Hey, uh, Sam, can I make a small confession? Sure.
I'm scared.
Well, Cliff, if it's any consolation, I've seen her, and I'm scared for you.
Oh, my God Oh, Sam Slide over, Cliff.
(laughing) No, I meant this way, Cliff.
Oh.
Yes, ma'am.
Now isn't this wonderful? Yeah I wish the guys in the bar could see us.
Really? (laughing): Oh, I mean, you know, it's just a figure of speech.
Uh uh, they just think that we're together because you-you want me to drop the lawsuit and Well, they couldn't be more wrong.
Oh, no, I know, uh I know.
It's just, uh I wish I could, uh convince them of that.
(giggles) I know.
If only that silly lawsuit were out of the way, I could focus my total attention on you, taking you to a height of ecstasy you never dreamed possible.
Yeah, I could go for that but, uh, well, I, uh I ripped up that release form in the bar.
Well, there No Unless Unless what? Unless No No, what? No, tell me.
Well, I happen to have another copy of that release form in my purse.
Oh, what a break! I'm a lucky guy! Uh, you got a pen? Oh! Oh, I feel a terrible burden lifted off my shoulders.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
W-W-W-W-What now? Well, you just lie back Yeah? And close your eyes Oh, yeah! And I'll check my phone messages.
Uh, excuse me? Well, I get very distracted when I haven't checked my messages.
And you don't want me to be distracted, do you? (beeping) Oh, my God! Uh-oh.
And, uh, she hung up the phone and said, "Cliff, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but, uh, my husband's come back.
" Wait a minute now.
She's married all this time and never told you? Yeah.
Seems that her husband, a true and gallant soldier of these United States, was, uh, lost and presumed dead during some, uh, secret mission out there in the Far East.
Oh, as it turns out, he was only wounded, and although he suffered, uh, years of torture, see, uh, uh, somehow, he managed to, uh, dig a tunnel with a pair of chopsticks and make his way to a, uh, pay phone and, uh, give her a call.
Cliff, this is an unbelievable story.
Oh, yeah, Sammy.
It's unbelievable to me, and I was there.
But, uh, she barely had time to blow me a kiss and wish me a happy life, and, uh then she was gone like a dream in the night.
What a maroon.
I I guess we were like a pair of lovers that were never meant to be.
Like Romeo and Juliet Rhett, Scarlett Heathcliff, Kathy Heath, Cliff and Kathy? Isn't that three people, Mr.
Clavin?