Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Dinner at Eight-ish

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, what're you doing there, Norm? Oh, Vera signed me up to give a speech at her Women's Auxiliary Club.
(laughs) I hate public speaking.
Yeah, you're not alone there, pal.
Well, it's awful, you know.
You're standing there in front of a group of total strangers palms sweating, your throat dry, your mouth feels like it's full of cotton.
your knees practically buckling.
It can be a miserable experience.
I tell you.
So what's the topic? "Poise: The Key to Success.
" (piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll find somebody to sit for the kids.
Bye.
She can't do it? She's scared to.
Oh, yeah, I'll, uh, watch the kids for you, Carla.
It's not fair.
This always happens to me when I have a date on a weeknight.
Oh, who's the lucky guy? My butcher.
Oh, yeah? What happened to Eddie? Eddie's in Vancouver.
My butcher's three blocks down.
Life is short.
I wouldn't mind, uh, looking after your kids for you, Carla.
What am I gonna do now? Well, I'd do it, but I'm working on Wednesday.
Yeah.
Yeah, Vera and I would love to, but, uh, we have this thing Wednesday night.
Yeah, uh, Diane and I have a thing, too.
Yeah.
Maybe it's the same thing.
I don't think so.
Probably not.
CLIFF: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not busy Wednesday.
Well, guess I'm gonna have to cancel my date.
Well, is this a day to press in your memory books or what? Well, you guys sound pretty chipper.
Shall I tell them, Lilith? Out with it, or I'm liable to burst with anticipation.
(laughs) Doctors Sternin and Crane are proud to announce that they are now officially POSSLQ's.
(Frasier chuckles) It means "Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters.
" Yes.
Oh.
You see, it's a little, uh, lovers' in-joke we picked up from a Census Bureau acronym.
Oh, I love those.
Well, man, hey, that's great.
Congratulations.
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
But this is quite a surprise.
You've only known each other a few months, and you're moving in together? That's pretty impetuous.
Well, a week ago, we decided to take a chance on cohabitation, but we waited a week before announcing the news, so as to avoid putting any undue pressure on the success or failure of the endeavor.
And now we are pleased to announce the effort a limited success.
Yes, pretty darn impetuous.
Well, we thought that the two of you were responsible for Lilith and I finding each other in this cockeyed world, so, we, uh, we thought we'd like to have you over for dinner on Wednesday night as our very first guests.
Aw.
Why, we'd be honored.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Great.
We'll get away from the hurly-burly of this place and concentrate completely on the lost art of conversation.
Hmm.
I'll be there anyway.
All right, Wednesday night it is then.
Oh, uh, shall we say, oh, uh, what Wonderful.
You don't know how happy this makes me.
So, you and Diane have this thing Wednesday night, huh? Well, why don't you just come out and say it? You don't want to spend an evening alone with my kids.
BOTH: We don't want to spend an evening alone with your kids.
Neither do I.
But what choice do I have? Well Carla, I think Cliff might be interested in watching them.
Hey, hey, what are you doing Wednesday night? Pumping iron.
Okay, Cliff, you're up.
Be at my house Wednesday at 6:00.
But remember, you asked for it.
(chuckles) Here, come here.
Here obviously, she doesn't think that I can handle the kids, huh? Yeah, but my guess is that, uh, they'll settle down once they're confronted with a strong male authority figure.
Are you bringing your mom? I'm home, sweet potato.
Just a moment, cinnamon bear.
How was your day? Oh, I want to take you now, by the dip.
You impulsive man.
We have guests coming.
Yes, I know.
It'll be our little joke on them.
Every time they say the word "dip," we'll become giddy with remembrance.
The word itself will become a syllable filled with our overwhelming passion.
Dear, you're using sex to express your aggression toward the confines of polite society.
Dip.
I love that.
What is that heavenly aroma coming from the kitchen? Dinner.
Oh, yes, of course, dinner.
Well, I'm sorry I'm late, by the way.
I got No explanation is necessary.
I know you far too well to have expected you to be on time tonight.
Oh, right.
Why is that? Because I've learned that a certain self-centered insensitivity is a fundamental part of your psychological makeup.
And it only endears you to me.
I'm so glad you shared that with me.
Of course you can't know everything about me.
I mean, who would have thought that I'd enjoy living with you, but here we are.
You didn't expect to enjoy living with me? Well, you do have a uncompromising quality.
Mm.
A very attractive one it is, though.
Well, if you were hesitant, why do it? That's the way you arranged it, isn't it? It was your idea.
Ah, yes, well, you see, you're forgetting the, uh, passive-aggressive trick you have of leading someone else into doing something that you want to do, thereby absolving yourself of responsibility.
And very adorable it is, too, my little parsnip.
Why do you insist on displaying your magazines in that insipid accordion design? I'm sorry if this one little touch of theatrical flair is too much for your retentive nature.
We'll go into my retentive nature later.
For now, we have guests coming.
You know, I see what you're trying to do here.
You want me to begin the argument that you wish you could start yourself.
Well, I will not do it.
If you want to have an altercation, you will have to How could you be late on a night like this?! Didn't you know I'd be nervous making my first dinner in your house while your stupid friends are looking at me and judging my every move? I'll never forgive you for this! Never, never, never, never! (doorbell chimes) Just a minute! Darling, I think that was a real breakthrough.
So come out of the bathroom, and after dinner, we'll build on it.
But, our-our guests are here now.
Dear heart? (doorbell chimes) Darling.
Coming! Coming! Hi! Come in, come in! I hope we're not early.
Oh, no, no, no, your timing is just perfect.
Oh.
Boy, am I hungry.
Sam.
Well, I am.
So, where's your lovely POSSLQ? Oh, she's around somewhere.
Peach blossom? Don't make yourself too beautiful.
I can hardly stand to look at you now.
(softly): Come on please come out, darling.
Please.
(louder): What was that? Oh, uh got something stuck in her contact lens.
Oh, I hate that.
Yeah.
Li-Listen, here, come sit down, relax.
Uh, pour yourself some wine, whatever.
Just, uh, make yourselves comfortable.
Oh, oh, Diane, could you hand me that cheese knife, please? Thank you.
Uh, enjoy.
I'll be right back.
(lock rattling) FRASIER: What do you think you're doing?! LILITH: Might I have a little privacy? FRASIER: We can resolve all this later, but for now, these people may be my friends, but they are not the greatest conversationalists in the world, and I could use your help.
Good chips.
Lilith.
Ah.
Welcome to our home.
I am so happy for the both of you.
Yeah, absolutely.
Congratulations.
Yeah, that's great.
(loud crunch) Love what you've done with this place, man.
DIANE: Oh, yes, I love the masculine touches.
Thank you.
Say, that, uh, that dip looks good.
DIANE: Mmm.
Dip? Yeah, the, uh, the dip.
Could you, uh, pass it, please? (chuckling): Yes, of course.
Be my guest.
Here you are.
Oh, thank you.
Oh Oh, yeah, that is great dip.
Mmm, here.
Yeah, try it.
DIANE: Mmm, delicious, Lilith.
Frasier, have you tried some of Lilith's dip? Yes, I-I have, yes.
Well, then I don't have to tell you how good it is.
DIANE: Mmm.
It's quite good.
Well, I don't mean to hog it here.
Uh, you guys look hungry.
He-Help yourself.
So, Frasier, was it good for you, too? What the hell's in this dip? Well may I propose a toast? Mmm! To your house.
Our house.
Hear, hear.
Yes.
(Frasier laughs) (playing piano) ? Our house ? Oh, I love that.
Is a very, very, very fine house With two cats in the yard Life used to be so hard Now everything is easy 'cause of you And our Our house (Diane singing along): ? Is a very, very, very fine house ? With two cats in the yard (singing alone): ? Life used to be so hard ? ? Now ? Et cetera, et cetera.
You know what I love about your relationship? No.
You never seem to have an unexpressed thought.
I've noticed that.
How do you maintain that level of honesty? Well, it's simple.
Frasier and I keep no secrets from each other.
Oh, come on.
You don't mean to tell me you tell each other everything.
Certainly.
Exactly.
We've bared our souls to each other.
Oh, now no guy's going to tell his brand-new girlfriend about all the women he You know.
Oh, but there must be no secrets in that area.
That's where honesty counts most.
Gee, you know, I-I'm afraid I don't think that's such a good idea.
You mean the two of you, planning marriage, haven't already had this discussion? Of course we have.
Well, Diane's told us about both of hers, and we're just about up to the Johnson Administration on mine.
Uh, seriously, though, um, I-I think that we're all entitled to our little secrets.
Why? They only lead to embarrassment when they're inevitably revealed.
Exactly.
I know I feel better knowing that Frasier has told you he and I were once engaged, so I don't have to worry about you discovering it at some inopportune moment.
Like now, for instance.
Dear dear, I thought I told you that Diane and I used to date.
LILITH: Date, yes.
That you had decided to marry and spend the rest of your life with her, no.
Semantics.
And why were you afraid to tell me that one detail? Because she still means something to you, doesn't she? She means absolutely nothing to me.
I mean, if I notice her at all, it's merely as an annoyance, like a bug flying around in a room.
FRASIER: Diane, Diane, be a dear.
Would you grab me the cheese knife, please? Frasier, I'm sorry this happened, but I think it would be best for everyone if you told her the truth.
Diane's right.
All right, all right.
Darling, I'm going to tell you the whole truth.
(latch rattling) Out with it.
All right, uh, Diane and I were engaged to be married and she left me at the altar.
The whole experience was so humiliating, I-I-I've just been trying to forget it ever since.
Your feelings for her were genuine? Yes.
And it's only on account of her action that you're not married to her at this very moment? Well, I-I never really looked at it that way.
And if Sam were out of the picture, you'd throw me over and run back to her, wouldn't you? I don't love her anymore.
You switch your passions on and off very quickly, Dr.
Crane.
I do not! Then you do still love her! Well, I never did! You were going to marry her! Well, maybe I just thought I loved her! How do I know you don't just think you love me? Well, I don't.
I mean, I-I didn't I-I never I will not be grilled like a common criminal! Cheese knife? All right, thank you very much.
Bye.
Ordering another round for the corner table, honey.
All right, Corinne.
Now listen, uh, thanks a lot for subbin' on such short notice.
Hey, this is my life.
It shouldn't, uh, it shouldn't be so bad.
You know, it's not really very crowded tonight.
That's what you said the last time.
When I got home, my can was dragging this far off the ground.
Thanks for sharing that with us, Corinne.
Well, that was Carla's daughter.
She said that, uh, the kids are going to drop off Mr.
Clavin.
All right.
All right.
I don't think her kids are old enough to drive.
(tires screeching) What was that? (pained grunting) (tires screeching, car speeding away) Cliff! Cliff! Cliff, Cliff buddy, are you all right? (Cliff mumbling) Wait, there's a note.
(muffled shouting) "Don't open until Christmas.
" Aw, shoot.
(muffled shouting) DIANE: Now look here, Lilith, you needn't worry about Frasier carrying a torch for me.
I assure you he feels nothing but resentment toward me.
He knows I was using him to forget the real love I felt, and feel, for Sam here.
Is there any more Chex Mix? You see, Sam is my real love.
I'm ashamed to say that Frasier was a convenient dalliance on my part, at a time when I needed someone, anyone.
I'm sorry it was him.
So, essentially, Frasier was a toy you played with briefly and then threw away.
Well, it wasn't that bad.
A fellow human being, whose emotions you twisted for your own satisfaction, with no consideration for his feelings.
Frasier had some fun.
We would speak nothing but French on Sundays.
I heard it all.
How could I have been so blind? Don't blame yourself.
That's right.
You can't blame anyone in these situations.
He can blame you.
Now look here.
Our relationship was a two-way street.
Yes, and I was run over in both directions.
Oh, Frasier, you had fun.
Diane, I never had a whit of fun, especially on Sundays.
And the only thing more egregious than your French pronunciation is your syntax.
(door closes) (bell rings) Dinner, everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Come on, this whole thing has gone on too far here.
Hey, listen up.
This is what happens when you open old wounds.
I mean, I don't know what happened between Frasier and Diane, but it seems to me they had a little fun, but they just weren't right for each other.
But now that they've found somebody that, uh, is right for them, I-I think you both should be happy for each other.
And leave it at that.
(door opens) Oh.
Je regrette, mes amis.
I'm sorry, too, Diane.
I don't know what came over me.
Diane, can you forgive me? Oh, I'm the one who's sorry.
And happy for both of you.
Thank you.
And thank you, Sam.
Yes.
Mmm, well, I just thought it went on long enough.
Besides, I-I have to use the bathroom here.
Would anyone like some more lasagna? DIANE: No, thank you.
I think we've had our fill.
Fine, then I'll just get the coffee.
Lasagna? I wasn't even thinking Italian.
Well, I was closest.
I said something with meat.
LILITH: That will be all then, Jill.
You can come by and clean up in the morning.
JILL: Thank you, Dr.
Sternin.
You mean you had someone back there helping you with this? With the side dishes, yes.
But at the risk of sounding immodest, I have to take credit for the lasagna myself.
Oh, well.
DIANE: Well, bravo.
Well, shall we adjourn to the living room for some coffee? DIANE: Nice.
Oh, may I propose another toast? Why stop at seven? Hah.
Well, we have all learned a valuable lesson this evening.
We shouldn't be frightened of the past, or of any affairs our lovers have had.
Indeed, we should be grateful for those past experiences because they've made him or her the person we love today.
Hear, hear.
Well said.
Oh, hey, let me, uh, fill some of these wine glasses here.
Good night, Dr.
Sternin.
LILITH: Good night.
Oh, Sam Malone! Oh, you beautiful man! JILL: Where have you been keeping yourself? Hey, Jill, how the hell you been, huh? Great, just great.
Well, you still doing massage? Just the way you like 'em.
Who is this, Sam? Uh, you know, it's gettin' kinda late.
Maybe you oughta take off.
Bye-bye.
Huh! Why is it that we cannot go to one, single, solitary place in the entire city of Boston without running into some woman that you've had a fling with? Oh, come on, you're exaggerating here.
Mm-hmm.
At the market, at the movies, when we got our blood test, for heaven's sake.
Well, what're we supposed to do, move? I mean, come on.
Excuse me.
Oh, now, don't, no, don't-don't go What-what're you so upset about? I wasn't even dating you when I went out with Jill.
That's when you were living with Frasier.
She lived with you? Well, only briefly.
Uh You said you'd never lived with anyone but me! Yeah, open that's right.
What are you doing? I should have thought of this earlier.
(chuckling) Yeah.
(chuckles) LILITH: What was that? Frasier, what are you doing? (door rattling) Frasier, the door seems to be jammed.
(knocking on door) Frasier? DIANE: Sam, open the door.
Macanudo? Oh! Frasier! Don't mind if I do.
Thank you.
Open the door.
You know, I don't think I can stand this caterwauling in here.
Why don't we go upstairs.
(knocking on door) I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.
Great.
Man, I love gladiator flicks.
(pounding on door) LILITH: Frasier, we are not amused!