Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Simon Says

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Well, I'm out of here, I guess.
Going to stop over at the health club.
You belong to a health club? Yeah, yeah.
Vera gave me a membership for my birthday.
It's, uh, real subtle, huh? You-You actually go there and work out? Yeah.
I try to do, uh, about Laps? Cannonballs.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Uh, great, Miss Harville, thanks.
Hot dog! What's up? They just delivered my new mattress.
Finally, a decent night's rest.
Now all I got to do is figure out what to do with my old mattress.
Any suggestions? Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.
Oh, will they send a truck? SAM: Hey, Frasier! The usual? Oh, not just yet.
I'm meeting a friend for a drink.
Simon Finch-Royce.
Simon Finch-Royce, the n-noted marriage counselor? No, Dr.
Finch-Royce, the circus geek.
Yes, of course, the marriage counselor.
We were students together when I was a Rhodes Scholar.
Wow, you were a Rhodes Scholar? Tell me this: how come the stuff they fill in the potholes with is darker than the rest of the road? I don't know, Woody.
I missed that day.
And now it's come back to haunt you.
Sam Simon Finch-Royce is an eminent psychotherapist who specializes in marital relations.
Does "eminent" by any chance mean "rich and single"? Anyway, Sam, I think it's safe to say that he has saved hundreds, nay, thousands of troubled marriages.
It's even rumored that he had a hand in helping Chuck and Di.
Speaking of that, why don't you upchuck and die? Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well may be Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school.
Sam, you want me to call the police? FRASIER: Uh, no no cause for alarm, Woody.
Simon and I did the spring musical together at Oxford.
It was The Mikado.
Simon played Pitti-Sing, and I was Yum-Yum.
And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.
It's good to see you, Simon.
Uh, how was your flight? All right? Oh, relatively crash-free.
Can I buy you a drink? Yes, a pint of beer, but none of that weak-kneed American bile.
Give me, uh, a little something with hair on it.
Here I am.
So, uh, you married? Yes, quite happily.
Too bad.
Could've been my first Englishman.
No, no, no, wait, there was that one other guy, but he was so white, I kept losing him in the sheets.
Do we know her? Yes, that's Carla.
Have her scrubbed and sent to my tent.
Sam, a Guinness for my friend.
Guinness coming right up.
Oh, Simon, by the way: Sam Malone, Woody Boyd.
Simon Finch-Royce.
Oh, and, uh, this is Diane Chambers.
Oh, how do you do? Delighted to make your acquaintance.
You're so much taller than you looked on your book jacket.
Ah, yes, but you see, the book's only about that big.
That must be it.
So, what brings you here? Oh, I'm accepting an honorary degree.
It's nothing much-- just a small college-- but, uh, any excuse to pop over the pond.
NORM: Doc, uh, Hi.
I'm Norm Peterson.
I have to tell you that my wife is a big fan of yours, sir.
Yeah, she reads all those marriage improvement books.
Have they helped? Well, they've helped me.
It, uh, gives her something to do in bed.
I have a few questions Thank you, Norm.
Shall we just go over here, where it's a little quieter? Splendid idea.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Frasier, please join us.
Oh, Sam, may I have a seltzer, please? You know, I had a thought.
Sam and I are about to be married, and dare I ask it, could you be persuaded to possibly have a session or two with us? Oh, Diane I think it's a capital idea.
(Diane giggles) Ah, well, then, let it be my wedding gift to you.
I was considering the gravy boat, but I think our relationship transcends mere crockery.
Are you sure you don't mind? Oh, not at all.
I'm a terrible workaholic.
And also, it'll be refreshing to work with a couple who are not on the brink of disaster.
Thank you, Sam.
Will you excuse us for a minute here? Can I talk to you for a minute, please? Oh, excuse me.
Why do you want to do this? We're not in trouble.
We're not even married yet.
Sam, marriage counselors aren't just for people who are having troubles.
His expertise will help us lay a solid foundation for our married life.
(in British accent): Now, what say we give it a go? Hey, wh-what's with this English accent? Ever since he walked in here, you-you been talking like the queen was your Aunt Betty or something.
(with accent): Oh, tosh.
What twaddle.
See, th Hey, yeah, but, you know, so, if you Brits ever find yourself in trouble against, uh, another major military power like Argentina, you know, one thing is, uh, well, we Yanks'll be there to bail you out just like we were during the last two big ones, huh? NORM: Cliffie, Cliff! There's a gentleman over here that thinks you know absolutely nothing about photosynthesis.
Oh, yeah, who? Why Why, I'll straighten him out.
The first paper that was done So, Doctor, when shall we begin? Why not right now? Sure.
Is-is there anywhere with a little privacy? Well, there's Sam's office.
You don't mind, do you, Sam? Of course you don't.
Oh, Simon, Simon, this is strictly professional.
I want you to bill me for this.
Oh, right.
And I do want you to completely disregard our years and years of friendship when determining your fee.
Oh, well, whatever you say.
Look, I mean it, now.
I-I'll hear nothing of that 40% psychiatrist's courtesy discount that's customary here in the States.
I wouldn't dream of insulting you.
Well, I'm glad we worked that out.
Well, now, uh, where to begin.
Well, usually, at this point, you would tell me what a loathsome, contemptible swine he is, and, uh, you would describe in some detail what a wanton, libidinous trollop she is but as you're only engaged, we'll just have to look forward to that.
When I was on the staff of the London Psychiatric Hospital just after my divorce, we had a couple that Excuse me.
Hmm? You've been divorced? Yes, I have.
(chuckling): That's great.
Now, Sam, Sam, I can say to you with pride, "Yes, I have been divorced," because it is only from our failures that we gain knowledge.
Consequently, I was able to make a much better choice of a second wife.
Perhaps my vision was clearer for the tears that I had shed.
You are the wisest man I know.
High praise, indeed.
Well, now, uh I need to begin to get to know you two, so, Diane, why don't, why don't you start? Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct in-utero recollection of a Fourth of July concert my mother attended.
There was at least one Souza march And then he proposed to me in, of all places, a court of law.
This time I acquiesced and agreed to become Mrs.
Malone (snoring quietly) which brings us here today.
You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing.
(laughs) Sam a little of your history, please.
Oh, right, all right.
Okay, uh Let's see, uh, it was, uh, August 5, 1973.
I, uh, got my first major league save.
It was in Baltimore.
Sam, you don't have to go into all of that.
If you can go back to the womb, I can go back to the damn Oriole doubleheader.
Anyway, uh sweltering day.
Frank Robinson had been killing me all season, but this day, I'm telling you it happened every single time.
Which means that, no matter what town you were in, these women would just hang around outside your locker room, I mean, complete strangers, and-and throw themselves at you? Yeah.
(whispering): It was great.
Well, uh, moving on.
Now, um, what-what are the keys to a successful marriage? Well, there are numerous schools of thought.
Uh, many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is Quickly now.
Love? Sex.
Honesty because from honesty springs Fidelity.
Yes, trust.
Oh, I was going to say that.
Well, those people are wrong.
Now, during the, uh, course of my counseling, I have come up with a number of scenarios, the responses to which give very useful pointers to a couple's compatibility.
So, Sam, we'll start with you.
You're on your honeymoon.
With Diane? With Diane.
Now, the two of you are on a tropical beach wearing nothing but your swimming togs.
Uh, Doctor, I do have a tendency to freckle.
Diane is wearing a big hat.
Now, Sam, you see a woman walk by.
Her flesh is tawny from the tropic sun.
Her proud yet supple bosoms heave mightily against the constraints of her tiny bikini.
You think she is the most beautiful creature that you have ever seen.
At this moment, Diane turns to you and says, "A penny for your thoughts.
" Do you share them with her? Uh, gee, that's, uh, that's hard to say.
Wh-When you say "bikini", is it that French cut? Sam! I'm just trying to clarify things here.
All right, all right, do I tell her? Um No, of course not.
You wouldn't trust me to handle that? Well, yes, of course I would.
Did I say no? I meant yes.
All right.
Diane, it's your wedding night.
You and Sam have just made love, and Sam has not performed to your satisfaction.
(laughing) He asks you how it was.
Do you tell him? I never have before.
(chuckling): I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I tell you I'm kidding.
Of course I wouldn't tell him.
It would hurt his feelings.
Well, I just have to express my appreciation that you've been so open with me.
I've heard enough.
(happy gasp) That's it? Of course, Sam, that's all he has to hear.
The good doctor is a brilliant man.
I'm sure he has a complete handle on our relationship.
Yes, I have.
You two should not only not get married, you should never see each other again.
What?! Well, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes a surgeon has to cut in order to cure.
Whoa what's the problem? Well, would that there were only one, but there are so many.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean.
SIMON: I mean first of all, and most obviously, you have absolutely nothing in common.
Then, on top of that, you have an appalling lack of communication.
What about the idea that opposites attract? Ah, the song of the truly desperate.
Well, take it from take it from one who has observed dozens of failed marriages-- the only thing that opposites attract is divorce.
Well, don't, wait a minute, don't go.
What shall we do? Well, think yourselves lucky.
I mean, you found out now.
Saved yourself years, perhaps decades, of pain and heartache.
FRASIER: Ah, Simon! Simon, I've signed a blank check.
Now, remember, no favors.
I want you to fill in your regular fee.
Oh, as you wish.
Say, excuse me, I must dash back to the hotel.
Oh, listen, just for my ledger, uh, what amount should I fill in? $1,500.
Pretentious limey bastard.
Well, what am I saying? It was your wedding gift and he is the best.
The man's a quack.
Imagine he had the nerve to say that Sam and I shouldn't get married.
(in British accent): That we have absolutely nothing in common.
Excuse me, Diane.
What exactly do you two have in common? Well, we Wait a minute.
Somebody suggesting Sam and Diane aren't right for each other.
Now, where have I heard that be Of course.
My prayers.
What are we gone do? We're going to get married, of course.
We're not going to listen to that sack of fish 'n' chips.
Wait a minute.
(laughs) Why, that wily old bird.
He's brilliant.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
First, he's brilliant, then he's a quack, and now he's brilliant again?! DIANE: Don't you see? It was a test.
He was testing our resolve in the face of his pronouncement.
Come on, let's go to his hotel.
No, I don't want to do that.
Come on.
Sam, we have to prove to him that we are indivisible.
Oh, I can't believe that I almost fell for the oldest trick in the book.
(Sam groans) Come on.
Why, I thought the oldest trick in the book was the one where the guy tells you you got a spot on your shirt and then when you look down, bud-oom-- flicks you in the nose.
Well, uh, Woody, you do have a spot on your shirt there.
Ah, no, no, no, no, no, Mr.
I'm not falling for that.
I'm much too smart for you.
Wait, no, no, Woody, Woody.
You, you got a spot right there.
Yeah, yeah, right.
You're not gone make me look like a dope.
No, darling, I've settled in for the evening.
I'm desperate for a bit of peace and quiet, so I'll just have a bite to eat and a bath and pop into bed.
Oh, that pompous twit Frasier Crane says hello.
Yes, bad as usual, if not worse.
Still, you may be amused to know I stuck him for $1,500.
(knocking at door) Oh, uh, excuse me, darling.
There's someone at the door.
Shall we say Yes, all right.
Yes, I love you, too.
Oh! Hello, Doctor.
Ah, this is a surprise.
Uh, sorry about this.
We didn't catch you on the hopper, did we? Uh No, but thanks for asking.
Come in.
This will only take a moment.
You know, you're a very clever man.
It wasn't until after you'd left that we realized you were merely testing our resolve.
So we stand before you now as proof we are steadfast in our devotion to one another.
Well, that's very lovely, but it wasn't a test.
Oh, listen to him, Sam.
It's yet another test.
I'm afraid I haven't made myself sufficiently clear.
Um you two are an accident waiting to marry.
Well, you couldn't be more wrong.
If you only knew the enormous obstacles we've overcome, you would know that we are destined to die in each other's arms.
Because, although we are very different people, our parts mesh together perfectly.
We have achieved symbiosis.
Well, not every time, but it's close.
(speaking quietly) Sorry about this.
Aren't we all? All I'm saying is maybe he's right.
Maybe we should give it some thought.
Maybe we should wait.
Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.
Maybe you'll do me the honor of sticking a sock in it.
I take it it didn't go so well.
He claims it wasn't a test.
If you ask me, his methods are highly suspect.
How can he say that we are mismatched on the basis of two silly questions.
I didn't even answer mine accurately.
I said what I thought he wanted to hear.
Sam, did you answer the way you wanted to answer or the way you thought he wanted you to answer? Or the way you thought I wanted you to answer? I don't know, I got confused after the babe in the bikini walked by.
Well, Diane, did you tell Simon all this? No, I didn't.
But I'm going to now.
Come on, Sam.
We just came back from that hotel.
I'm not going back there again.
Sam, this is a crucial point in our relationship.
Oh, I am starved.
I haven't eaten all day.
Come on.
Uh, both of you, go to Finch-Royce.
Tell him the truth.
Let him make an accurate assessment of your relationship.
You owe it to me.
You owe it to him.
And most of all, you owe it to yourselves.
Now don't come back until you're fully satisfied.
I don't care how long it takes.
All right, all right.
Thank you.
Frasier Crane can play hardball, too.
If you need anything else, just let me know.
Oh, thank you.
Now, are you sure the soup is piping hot this time? Oh, yes, sir.
I burned myself on the bowl.
(knocking at door) (sighs) Ah, how lovely to see you again.
What's it been, 30 minutes? I'm sorry to barge in.
I hope we're not disturbing you.
Well, actually, I was just about to have my dinner.
Dinner? Yes, I mean, uh, I don't want to sound rude, but I actually would like to eat it while it's hot.
I'm sorry, but this is simply too important to put it off.
It's been preying on our minds.
We really can't think of anything else.
Isn't that right, Sam? Yeah, right.
Are you gone eat those crackers? Yes, I am.
Now, could you please just say whatever it is you've come to say? Very well.
From the moment of your pronouncement, we felt that you were wrong, and now we realize why.
We gave you the wrong answers to your questions about the honeymoon.
We've thought it over and now we want to give you our real answers.
Yes, well, it doesn't matter what you say now.
You see, I mean, what matters is your first response, your gut reaction.
I mean, you've had two hours to think about it now.
Yes, well, sometimes, it takes Sam two hours to come up with his first thought.
I don't, I don't appreciate that.
You know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place.
All of a sudden, he says something you don't like and now you, you don't believe him anymore? DIANE: Well, he's wrong.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake? That's highly unlikely-- although I did let the two of you in.
Excuse me, um Come on, let's get out of here, will you? I'm starved, I'm gone go have some dinner.
You want to join me? Please say yes.
(knocking) Oh, I wondered what was keeping you.
I was beginning to get worried.
Did we get you out of the shower? No, no, no, no, the, uh, the soup was so hot it set off the sprinkler system.
Sam and I have been to the library and we've done extensive research.
We're here to tell you that you are full of rubbish.
How thoughtful.
Most people would only have phoned.
Now, if you'll just examine the parts that I have marked I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough of this.
Now, I've said that you're not compatible and you have done nothing to show me otherwise.
Look, I don't know what we're supposed to do or what we're supposed to say, but we're here, fighting for our lives together.
Now doesn't that count for something? No.
Why not? Well, let me answer you this way: Sam, do you really want to be here? No.
Oh, what do you mean "no"? I mean no.
I don't want to be here.
I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea.
What do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? Nobody we know thinks we should get married.
We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we? All right, what do you suggest we do? Nothing.
Oh! That's your solution to everything: nothing! Is that what you're going to do for the rest of your life: nothing? I haven't decided yet.
I've grown to hate them.
(knocking at door) That's it.
I've died and gone to hell.
Doctor, there's one thing you haven't considered.
All right.
Um, Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together.
I'm sorry I made a mistake, but I now see that you are the most perfectly matched couple on the face of the earth.
But, why, why am I telling you this? Let's, let's share it with the rest of the world, shall we? Hear this, world, the rest of you can stop getting married now! It's been done to perfection! Envy them, sofa.
Envy them, chair.
For you shall never be as cozy as they.
For I guarantee that their marriage will be a total epoch-shattering success.
And I stake my life on it! Wait, let, let me put that on record.
I, Dr.
Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind, declare that Sam and Diane shall be together throughout all eternity, and if I am wrong, I hereby promise that I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible! Here, take the tape.
No, no, no, no, no! Take the whole machine.
It's my wedding gift to you-- to you, the most perfect couple since the dawn of time! See?