Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - A House is Not a Home

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Guinness stout and a gin and tonic.
Something the matter, Carla? Yeah, something's the matter.
My life is the pits.
Seems like good things happen to everybody except me, you know? Norm has a new job.
Frasier actually seems happy since he met his creepy girlfriend.
And Sam has given up women and decided to marry Diane.
And what have I got? Zip.
Woody, I mean, how do you keep such a sunny disposition in this rotten, stink-infested world? You mean, what do I do when I see Mr.
Blues peeking around the corner? Oh, God, he even has a cute name for depression.
Well, I just close my eyes, and I think a happy thought.
Here, I-I'll show you.
What was your thought? I'm glad I'm not you.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson.
Yeah.
I'm working on this month's issue of the Cheers newsletter, and I wondered what's new with you? Nothing, really, Woody.
Well, you sure? Uh, I don't know.
Check last month.
What was I up to then? Let's see.
Norm Peterson.
Nothing.
Oh.
Well, I guess it's not new then, eh? How about you, Dr.
Crane? What's new in my life? Well, it's not easily put into words, Wood.
Perhaps it has something to do with my relationship with Lilith.
And perhaps it's just a maturity that comes with age.
All I know is that I feel I finally know who I am, and I'm happy with that person.
Does that answer your question? Sure does.
Dr.
Crane: Nothing.
Sam! Great news! I found a house.
Hey! Turn it in.
Maybe you'll get a reward.
No, you goose.
I found our house.
I was driving to work today and, as luck would have it, there was an eight-car smash-up.
Yeah, that didn't come out right.
What I meant was I was forced to take an alternate route, and it sent me right past the perfect house.
Oh, Sam, you should see it.
Three bedrooms, two and a half baths, a formal dining room, a huge fireplace in the living room.
Excuse me for interrupting, but we're not looking for a house.
I know.
I already found it.
No, I mean that we agreed to live in my apartment for a year first.
Well, yes, that was the original plan.
Yeah.
But that was before I saw hardwood floors, bay windows, crown moldings.
Yeah, well, so what's wrong with my apartment? Well, granted this house doesn't have your view of the Exotic Dancing Academy.
But I think you could learn to live in the shade of a stately elm.
Oh, uh, I, uh, hate to be a buttinsky here, but, uh, this is the absolute worst time to buy a house.
Why is that? Ah, seller's market.
Unless you run into that, uh, rare breed, you know, the motivated seller.
Now, you know, for a price, I could put you in a sweet little, uh, three-bed, two-bath number.
Uh, it's got, uh, fishnetting over the patio and a handmade, uh, uh, lava rock fire pit in the back.
Cliffie, uh, that sounds a little bit like your house.
It is my house, Norm.
NORM: Wait, wait, wait now.
You said your mother was going to live there till the day she died.
Well, uh, she's clean, and she doesn't eat much.
Sam, please.
Just come with me and take a look at it.
I'm not-I'm not ready to own a home.
It's a you-you got to work up to that.
Sammy's right.
It's a big responsibility.
You got uh, lawns to mow.
You got plumbing to fix.
You got gutters to clean.
Then, you know, every couple of years, you got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom.
Honestly, I don't know where Vera gets the energy sometimes.
Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? You know, thank God I'm not, huh? Well, Sam and I will split the chores at our house.
Would you just slow down? We're not buyin' a house.
I mean it.
Now, Sam, don't be so hasty.
This could be the house for you.
Does it have a basement? Yes, it does.
A large one.
Great.
You can convert it into a dungeon to keep Diane in.
Then, when you're done torturing her, you could bury the body under the cement floor, cover it with a Ping-Pong table.
Well, maybe.
I don't know.
Sam.
No, no, maybe you, not her.
Will you stop stalling and come with me, please? Just give me one good reason why I should.
Because we own it.
That's a pretty good reason, Sam.
You bought a house without asking me? Well, I-I didn't exactly buy it.
Uh-huh.
I put down the teeniest of refundable deposits.
You know, I don't believe this.
Oh, now, Sam, there was another couple there, and they were all ready to make a bid on it.
I had to move quickly.
Yeah, talking about moving quickly, you get into my office right now and you call them tell them that I want my deposit back.
Okay, Sam, whatever you say.
But first I want to call the decorator about ordering drapes.
Yeah, well, make it quick.
Well, I guess it's time we started thinking about a housewarming gift.
Ah, it's pathetic.
Yeah, you'd never catch a woman of mine leading me around by the nose.
No, but you might catch her sunning herself on a rock.
It's ours.
It's finally ours.
I can't believe it.
Neither can I.
Wow, you know, every time I come here I like this place more and more.
Oh.
(chuckles) Thank God you talked me into this.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
You don't think we spent too much money on it? Oh, absolutely.
What the hell? It's a great house.
Yeah.
And it's ours.
Well, not quite yet.
You know, I never feel at home until I hang this little baby up.
Oh, God, Sam.
What? Oh, not where people can see it.
You know, I have never understood your attitude about this painting.
I mean, it's a classic.
"Dogs Playing Blackjack.
" (laughing) I never look at this without cracking up.
Ah.
Well, that's the purpose of great art.
You know something? I think you, you're missing the subtle humor here.
I mean, see this guy right here? He's cheating.
(laughs) Oh.
Oh, Sam, I can hardly wait till I'm in the kitchen, pot holders in hand, cooking a nice big roast, calling out to you, "Dinner's ready, honey.
" "I'll be right there.
I'm in the workshop.
" The workshop? Oh, yeah, yeah.
My dad always had one.
I used to go down there all the time.
I just loved the smell of sawdust.
Wonder where I can buy some of that.
(laughs) Oh, Sam, I have wonderful plans for every room in the entire house.
That's funny, so do I.
(laughs) Why don't we start right here in the living room? Yeah, these floors look like they could use a little polishing.
Oh, Sam.
Sam.
MAN: We really have to leave now, my dear.
WOMAN: Yes, I guess you're right.
Uh, hello? Hello? Oh.
You must be the new owner.
Yeah, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm Sam Malone.
How do you do? How are you? This is my, uh, fiancée, Diane Chambers.
Hi.
Bert and Lillian Miller.
Oh.
Hi, how are you? Pleased to meet you.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
The house is beautiful.
Mmm.
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, of course, we know we're supposed to be out of here by now, but, well, we forgot a few odds and ends, you know? And, uh, well, we just wanted to take a last look.
Well, you know, when you've lived in a house for 40 years, taking that last step out the door, well, it-it-it's pretty hard.
Of course.
I confess, I touched liquor this morning.
Oh, tha that's all right, my girl.
But you look like a fine couple.
I'm glad the house is going to you.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we plan to do great things in it-- with it, with it.
So many memories.
Like when Mikey climbed up the bookshelves and hit his head on the mantle.
You remember? Oh, we were all so worried.
And that's where little Janey rehearsed her dance for the school play.
Oh.
You know, I studied ballet as a child.
So I became quite experien Berty Junior took his first steps on this very spot right here.
And that's where we always put our Christmas tree.
LILLIAN: Every year.
Thirty-nine.
Hmm? Well, we didn't quite make it to Christmas this year.
Oh, sure.
BERT: You know, I think we'll miss the Christmases most of all.
I know, Bert.
The children and the grandchildren.
BERT: Ah, never mind.
There, there now.
Out with the old.
And in with the new.
Now, we're just going to get out of your way, so that you two can share your lives.
Well, good luck to you.
Thank you.
Can I help you with those boxes there? Oh no, they'll be fine.
No.
We're just going as far as the bus stop.
Okay, okay.
Have a nice day.
SAM: Yeah.
Glad to meet you.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
(weepy): Good-bye, house.
SAM: Bye-bye.
BERT: Bye-bye now.
Gee, what a sweet couple, huh? Let's see, where were we? Oh, yes, yes, yes, I think we were, uh, talking about polishing the floor.
Do want to wax or shall we buff? I cannot live a single day in this house.
Oh, God.
SAM: Come on, come on.
It's all right.
I mean it, Sam.
I could never live here.
No, don't say that.
Don't say that.
Listen, hey, I got a surprise for you.
Look, I took the picture down.
Sam, it has nothing to do with the picture.
I-I Although I do appreciate that.
This place belongs to Bert and Lillian.
It's alive with their memories.
Oh, poor Mikey.
Now, that must have smarted.
Come on, come on, we love this house.
Now, I know how you feel right now, but but wait till we make some changes here.
Look, we can we can we can knock out this wall right here and make the whole room different.
I mean, yeah, what the hell? Look at that.
They got writing all over this wall.
Oh, look.
"Mikey at one year, 30 inches.
" "Bert Jr.
at two years, 36 inches.
" How can you possibly think of tearing this down? Can't you see this is a record of their lives? Well, all I can see is that little Janey here was a moose.
How'd you like to have that coming at you in a tutu, huh? You have the sensitivity of a dung beetle.
I'm just trying to lighten the mood up here.
Well, I'm not in the mood for fun and games.
Well ALL: Happy housewarming! Hey, hey No, don't.
This isn't our house.
We don't belong in it.
I'll never live here.
Not one day, not one minute.
Please, leave, please.
You know, Sammy, a couple of years ago, this might've taken me by surprise, but now I just kind of roll with it.
This is great! I got the one where they're on the train.
Yeah.
Not now, Woody.
(laughs) Look at that.
I never noticed that.
The bloodhound's doubling down.
Look at that.
(horn honks) Uh, I'm sorry about this, you guys.
It's a it's a bad time.
CARLA: Wait till the honeymoon! We're trespassers here, Sam.
The love and warmth that fill these walls didn't come from us.
We can change the wallpaper, we can paint, we can put up new curtains, but the soul of this house will still be those two sweet, old people.
I'd be afraid to wash the dishes for fear I'd turn the faucet on, and instead of water coming out, it would be Lillian's tears.
Oh, brother.
I-I-I'll put a purifier in.
All houses have ghosts.
You know, memories of people who lived there before.
Now, the only way you can get rid of them is to-to start making your own memories, and the only way we can do that is if we move in here and start living here.
Mm maybe you're right.
Yeah.
I guess I've been overreacting.
Oh, that's okay.
(sighs) What do you say we carry on this conversation naked? Do you think I could ever make love in this house? Afternoon, everybody.
EVERYONE: Norm! Hey, Mr.
Peterson, how's life? Oh, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end.
Where's Sammy and Diane? They're in the office trying to unload The Nightmare on Diane Street.
Well they'll just have to miss my big news.
Woody, I want you to stop the presses on that, uh, newsletter.
You'll never guess who I saw in front of my office today.
Robert Urich.
(gasps) Okay? I want to tell you he's just as nice a guy driving past at 50 miles an hour as he looks on that TV screen.
Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody.
Another round.
Quick, too.
Hey, how's it going in there? Oh, great.
The couple in there are crazier about the house than we were.
You know, I have to admit, I was a little ticked off when Diane said she wanted to sell the house, but as it turns out, I think we're going to make a-- that's good, Woody-- make a nice little profit here.
Are you sure I can't change your mind? I'm sorry.
That's my final decision.
You know, I-I-I'm getting on in years, and my hearing may not be what it used to be, but did you just queer this whole deal? I had to turn them down.
Why? Sam, those people were bereft of soul.
They had no intention of embracing that house.
Their only desire was to live there.
They wanted to live in the house they just bought? My God, they must've been raised by wolves.
They weren't the right kind of people to live in Bert and Lillian's house.
Oh, you know That's it, that's it.
You know, I we have always done things your way.
I have bent over backwards to make you happy.
I bought the ring you wanted, the china you wanted, the-the crystal you wanted.
I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed, and I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover.
When are we going to do something that I want to do? May I remind you that we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon? Big deal.
Who isn't? Sam, every time I look at that place, I can't help but think about that poor, old couple, shambling away from their house, wishing they could spend one last Christmas there with their family.
Well, then why not just give them one last Christmas there, if that's what they want? But rid yourself of the guilt you feel by robbing them of the last few happy memories left them.
Oh, you know, that-that's the screwiest idea I've ever heard.
No, Sam, he's right.
We-we'll-we'll call the Millers and all their children, and we'll plan a Christmas party.
Oh, Sam, it'll make the transition easier for them and for me.
Well, what are we supposed to do until December? Bunk out with Ma Clavin? No, I mean, we'll do it now.
This year, Christmas comes next week.
Oh Huh? Oh, it'll be fun.
Oh, gee, I hate it when they change holidays around just to make a three-day weekend.
Who's ready for some delicious hot apple cider? Can I have mine with ice? It's 80 degrees outside.
Where's your Christmas spirit, Naomi? It melted.
There's another present for you there, Naomi.
Isn't that right, Santa? I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking.
All right, here it is, here it is.
There you go, kid.
There you are.
Oh, boy! What do you say, Naomi? Thank you, Santa.
SAM: Ah And what do you say, Santa? Yeah, Mrs.
Claus is going to pay for this.
Come here.
Look, look, how much longer do we have to do this? Oh, the children are loving it.
Yeah, well, can I at least take this beard off? No, no, no, no.
Now, we don't want to spoil their illusions.
Don't you think the fact that Santa's here in mid-May sweating bullets is making 'em a little suspicious already? Uh, yes, Santa, what a great idea.
Why don't you lead us all in some Christmas carols? Uh, m-m-maybe somebody else ought to do that.
Uh, Santa's got a little summer cold going here.
Oh, well, David is the musician of the family.
Well "Let it Snow" in "E" flat.
(plays note) Oh, the weather outside is frightful But the fire is so delightful And since there's no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow All right, all right, look, we-we did it, we did it.
They're singing their carols.
We passed out the presents.
Now can we put out the stupid fire and-and get the Millers out of here, please? Oh, but, Sam, we haven't roasted the chestnuts yet.
Oh, guess again, sweetheart.
Well, you know, that was great, kids, but I think perhaps we-we ought to thank the kind and generous friends who've let us make this Yuletide possible.
Oh, no.
No, no.
You really don't have to.
No, no, not at all.
Now, Sam and Diane have opened their home-- it is their home now-- so that we can enjoy one last Christmas here together.
Well, of course, we've known a lot of Christmases around this hearth, but for you kids, this will be the last one.
And all they'll have is pictures, home movies and memories to fill the gap through their lives.
Oh, I hope the memories survive.
Say you'll remember, children.
CHILDREN: We'll all remember, Grandma.
BERT: Yes, and-and what about Easter? Will you remember the Easters, too? I don't remember, Grandpa.
Oh, honey Please don't make Grandma and Grandpa leave, lady.
No, go Oh, oh, th-th-they don't have to.
Listen, why don't you come over next week, and we'll have a big Easter egg hunt right here.
And I will make it an annual occasion.
CHILDREN: Yay! No, no, no, no! No, no, I am not putting on a bunny suit for anybody! Now, now, listen, we've done everything-- more than everything-- anybody could possibly expect.
We got to draw the line somewhere here.
I mean, we can't arrange our lives just for you people.
I mean, this is our house now.
Y-Y-You can't have it anymore.
Please, I mean, w-we-we need a chance to start our own lives here.
I mean, for God's sake, we haven't even had a chance to be intimate in our own home yet.
What does Santa mean, Mommy? Mommy will explain it later, dear.
Yeah, and somewhere else, Mommy.
Uh, c-come on, everybody, please, out.
(children whining) LILLIAN: Oh, no, no, no.
Now, don't grumble.
Santa is right.
He may have been a little rude about it but it is true.
We have been imposing.
So let's all go over to Grandma and Grandpa's new condo and have Christmas there.
CHILDREN: Yay! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul Bye-bye, happy holidays.
? With a corncob pipe and button nose ? Yeah, bye-bye, bye-bye.
? And two eyes made out of coal ? There we go.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
There we go.
What about our presents? Uh, we'll ship 'em to you.
I can't believe what you just did, Sam.
I am not going to apologize, Diane.
Suddenly, the house is ours.
You mean that? You claimed it for me.
Oh.
Just stood up and claimed it for me like some animal out of the wild.
Oh, Sam you're so sexy when you're territorial.
So, uh anything special you want from Santa this year, little girl? Oh, Santa Well, I think that can be arranged.
There you go Where is that? It's in there someplace.
You know, Santa? Hmm? I think it's time to take you up on that offer to polish the floor.
Oh, well, uh what room would you like to start in here? Hmm how about the dining room? Oh, good, good, good, good, good.
(Sam laughing)