Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Home is the Sailor

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
FRASIER: Hello, Woody.
Set me up, will you? Coming right up.
Boy, you know, no matter how many times I come in here, I can't get over how silly you look in that ridiculous outfit.
Really? I kind of like it.
People treat me with a little more respect.
And there's another bonus.
Saves me that couple extra hours I used to spend every morning picking out a shirt.
Yes, that can be very time consuming.
Whatever happened to the good old days? Everything was better.
Sam still owned the bar.
He wasn't out circumnavigating the globe.
Yonder sat Diane with a book.
Norm and Cliff were permanent fixtures in this place.
God, how I miss those hail-fellows-well-met.
Where has it gone, Woody? Oh, hey, come on, Dr.
Crane.
It'll be all right.
( sniffling ): Will it? ( blowing nose ) "Oh, death in life, the days that are no more.
" Who said that? Who said what? "Oh, death in life, the days that are no more.
" You did.
No, no, you see, I mean who said it first? Y-You said it both times.
You know, you're right, Woody.
Some things never change.
Especially the simple ones.
And don't you forget it.
( pats counter ) ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
WOODY: Norm! Well, that was it, Woody.
Last chance; I'm out of here.
You caught them by surprise.
I'm telling you, they'll get it.
Woody, new crowd's a bunch of stiffs, okay? They're never going to get it.
Hey, Woody.
Hey, Eddie.
( chuckling ): How you doing? Good, how are you? Good.
You know, I passed Norm Peterson on the stairs.
He didn't give me the time of day.
Oh, it's 3:15.
Thanks.
Well, would you like a drink, or did you just drop in for the time? Now that you mentioned it.
Say, is, uh, Carla around? She said she wanted to talk to me.
Said it was real important, eh? She just went upstairs.
She'll be back down in a minute.
EDDIE: Good.
Well, we haven't seen you for a while, eh? Yeah, you know, Carla and I kind of drifted apart.
I don't know, I haven't seen her in months.
The usual? You bet, Woody.
Good memory.
Thanks.
What is your usual? Uh, just give me a beer.
Coming right up.
Sam around? Oh, didn't you hear? No.
Sam sold the bar to some big corporation.
Bought a boat.
He's sailing around the world with it.
Hey, well, good for Sam.
Thought he was supposed to get married.
Well, Miss Chambers went off to write her book, only that didn't work out, and last we heard, she was out in Hollywood trying to write for TV.
I'll bet whatever she comes up with, it'll be pretty darn good.
( chuckling ) I bet it will.
Oh, Eddie? Hey, Carla.
What did you want to talk to me about? Okay, see ya.
Yeah, see ya, Eddie.
FRASIER: So, Carla, what did Eddie say about his impending fatherhood? He wants to think about it.
Mmm.
Well, my guess is he'll do exactly what I or any normal, red-blooded men would do in this situation.
On the other hand, you might actually hear from him again.
No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
Come on, am I the only cut-up left in this morgue? FRASIER: Come on! Remember the old days when things were fun? Do you remember when the bar was brimming with scamps, and atop every barstool perched an irrepressible Merry-Andrew? You remember that, Sam? ( alarmed screech ) Oh, my God, Sam! Sam! Sam, you're back! Ah, yeah, you bet I'm back.
Oh, look at Woody! ( chuckling ): Hey, man, how are you?! Good.
Whoo! Look at this.
Hey, everybody.
Who are these people? Things just aren't the same anymore, Sam.
Boy, yeah, I'll say.
Can't believe the number of changes around here.
Thank God you're still pregnant, huh? ( laughing ): Yeah.
( chuckling ) Who's the lucky guy? Everybody but Eddie LeBec.
Eddie.
Yeah.
You thirsty? I'll get you a seltzer.
Yeah, get me something to drink here.
Sam, what happened to your around-the-world sail? Well, it kind of lost some of its appeal, Woody, after I sank.
ALL: Sank? Where? Somewhere in the Caribbean.
Well, you must feel terrible.
Well, no, not really.
You know, a lot of good came out of it.
I discovered a reef that nobody had ever heard of, and even named it after me.
"No Brains Atoll.
" ( laughter ) ( Woody joins in ) Maybe you two should start calling each other in the morning.
Sammy, it's part of the new regime.
They're running this joint like a military outfit.
Well, that's too bad.
Oh, no, look at that.
What happened to my photograph? Never mind; now you're back, you can buy back the bar, things can be the way they were.
I don't have enough money to buy back an ice cube.
But anyway, you know, hey, I just want to work here.
If I can't be the boss, I can at least be the highest-paid employee.
Yeah, well, I don't know.
We got two bartenders already, Sam.
You're kidding.
Who? Well, hold onto your sides.
I'm going to introduce you to Mr.
Chucklepuss.
Hey, Wayne.
Sam this is Wayne; Wayne, Sam Malone.
How do you do? Hello.
Sorry, Wayne, but Sam is going to take over your job.
Yeah, well, there's no reason why you can't hang around and be a relief bartender.
I'm hardly a relief bartender.
Yeah, that's right.
You know, uh, Wayne has bored the hell out of people in some of the finest bars and restaurants in Boston.
And as he'd be the first one to tell you, he can make any drink known to man.
Oh, is that right? Try me.
Okay.
Um, a moonbeam.
With or without curaƧao? Serendipity, neat.
That only comes with ice.
Saddleback.
Onion or olive? Both.
Stick 'em in your nostrils.
( chuckles ) Well, that's all right.
What the hell, I'll just come at this from another angle.
Uh, who's, uh, who's running the show now? Oh, no, no, I-I wouldn't approach it that way.
No, this new manager eats live sharks for breakfast.
Ah, but don't go by me.
I've hated every boss I've ever had.
How can you say that? I was your boss.
Yeah, right.
Oh, I was; come on.
Anyway, I really hate her.
"Her"? Whoa-- a woman? Oh, is she married? Who'd marry her? An unmarried woman.
Might take me all of five minutes to get my job back.
Ha-ha-ha.
Why? What? Oh, no, what, is she one of those pasty-faced little business school graduates with thick glasses and her hair pulled back so tight she hears through her eyes-- one of those? She's coming right now.
Why don't you be the judge of that? Watch this.
I came up with a few new grabbers while I was out at sea.
Mm-boo-ah.
Miss Rebecca Howe, Sam Malone.
Sam, Rebecca Howe.
How do you do? Ah-voo-ah.
And to you.
If you'll excuse me.
Boy, you know, she's almost as great-looking as I am.
CARLA: Almost.
Gee, I wonder what she'll make me for breakfast? Miss Tortelli, you have a couple of customers in the corner that look like they're on the verge of a good time.
You better hurry over there and put your usual stop to it.
Yes, ma'am.
Good afternoon, Miss Howe.
Hello, Woody.
I mean Wayne.
Did you lose your name tag again? Yeah.
But I found my pants.
Keep up the good work, Woody.
Uh, excuse me.
Um, I want to apologize for my behavior back there.
I was led astray.
Somebody told me that you were kind of a schnauzer.
Uh-- Sam Malone.
Yes.
Yes.
You're the gentleman that used to own this bar.
Well, I heard you were sailing around the world.
Well, I was going to do that, but, uh, something kept pulling me back here, and I just couldn't figure out what it was, till now.
Which reminds me of the other thing I heard about you.
( chuckling ): Oh, no Wait, let me set the record straight here.
There have been a lot of ridiculous, unbelievable rumors about my sexual prowess.
I just want to tell you that most of them are right on the money.
You know, Mr.
Malone, we've known each other only seconds, and I'm already tired of you.
Uh, w-w-wait a minute, wait a minute.
I know you think you've had just about enough excitement for one day, but there's more.
I'm back and I'm ready to jump behind the bar.
We're fully staffed, Mr.
Malone.
Jump somewhere else.
Uh, well, hold on a second.
Can't we, uh, can't we discuss this? We just did.
No, no, no, I meant someplace private where we could slip out of our things and say howdy.
REBECCA: I don't know if I find your come-ons disgusting or merely pathetic.
I do know you're giving me a headache behind the eyes.
It feels like a little insect boring into my brain.
Oh! You didn't knock.
Habit.
Oh, my God.
Boy, this place doesn't even look like my office anymore.
Thank you; it wasn't easy.
How could you do this? I mean, you-you took away all the all the charm, all the warmth.
Where's Dave? "Dave"? My moose head.
I set him free.
If he really loves you, he'll come back.
This is, uh, a lot of changes to absorb in such a short time here.
Would you just get out of here? ( chuckling ): Oh, hey, come on.
Lighten up.
Running a bar should be fun, you know? No, visiting a bar should be fun.
Running a bar is hard work.
Mr.
Malone, I have had a great deal of training and education to get to this point, and it's important to me that I succeed; that it succeed.
Well, in that case, you're missing a great opportunity here.
You see, having a sports celebrity in the bar is great for business.
I mean, you take a look at your, uh You take a look at your, uh, at your major places in Atlantic City.
They got your Willie Mays, your Mickey Mantle It seems a critical difference here is that I've heard of those people.
Oh, now Wait a second here.
You know, a lot of people may not know this, but I happen to be quite famous.
Well, I don't care if you're famous or not-- I don't need a bartender.
But you're perfectly welcome to come here as a patron anytime.
And I personally guarantee you'll be treated with every courtesy.
Unless you're waited on by Miss Tortelli.
Now, if you don't mind Wait-wait a second here.
Um I sold this bar because it had a lot of, uh, bad memories for me.
But once I got away from it, I realized that it had a lot of good memories, too.
Mr.
Malone, I really Please, please listen.
I'm not enjoying this, either.
There was, uh, one memory in particular that I have been trying to shake.
( clears throat ) See, I was, uh, I was afraid that I was gonna walk in here today, and, uh see her face everywhere I looked, but instead, what I saw was all these silly changes you made in here.
I happen to think it's No, no, I mean, it was good.
It helped me.
Look, what I'm trying to say is, uh, this place is the closest thing I have to a real home.
I want to come back.
Please.
I'm very sorry, Mr.
Malone.
I wish that I could help.
I see.
Wait a minute.
I guess we could use another relief bartender a couple of nights a week.
Well, it's a start.
I appreciate that.
Don't mention it.
You've had some tough breaks.
Oh, not so bad really.
You lost the bar.
And now you tell me that's your home.
You lost your girlfriend.
And I guess you were some sort of an athlete who's having a lot of trouble getting over it.
Anyway, I just hope working here can help fill a little of the emptiness.
Yeah, well, I'm sure it will.
Thanks again.
You're not doing this out of pity, are you? Pity? Well, yeah.
I I can't take this job if it's just pity.
It's not just pity.
There are other things.
Oh.
Well, good.
Like what? Like It's pity.
Just pity? Just pity.
No respect? No.
No personal value? Do you like my shirt? Actually, that's a great shirt.
Well, you know what they say.
Uh, pity and a nice shirt, and the world's your oyster, huh? Well, uh, I got the job.
All right.
Wow! Great.
Well, it's-it's only part time, you know.
I mean, you do have two bartenders.
Yeah, well, maybe not for long.
I've already launched "Operation Wayne Down the Dwain.
" Our boys are in the air.
( phone rings ) What do you mean? Wha Cheers.
Mr.
Malone, will you fill out this W-4 form and return it to me? You bet.
Mr.
Drake for you.
Give it to me.
No, wait a minute.
I'll get it in my office.
I locked myself out.
No, I didn't.
Well, so much for her dress shield.
( chuckles ) Why? Who-who's this, uh who's this Drake guy? He's vice president of the corporation you sold out to, and she's got a third-degree case of the hots for him, and he doesn't know she's alive.
Yeah, I have my doubts myself.
Mm.
Hey, Carla, you used to, uh, listen in on my phone conversations.
Never.
I'm insulted.
Show me how to do it, will you? Just press that third button, pick up the receiver.
Well, no, I have not sent that statement over yet, but I'll send it right away.
No, it's no problem, I love you.
I mean, I'd love to.
I'd love to.
Oh, by the way, I hired a new relief bartender.
Kind of a sad case, really.
Sam Malone.
Used to play for the Red Yes, that's him.
Well, of course I tried to get him full time.
Wonderful drawing card.
Yes, sir.
I'll sweeten the offer.
Of course.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Rats.
Mr.
Malone? May I speak with you a moment? Sure, what's up, Becky? I've just been in there thinking.
Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe I'm cutting off the bar's association with sports too quickly.
Oh, I don't know, Becks, I think you were right in the first place.
Besides, I, uh, I don't think I could live on a relief bartender's salary.
Well, what if I made you full time? I don't think I could survive on a full-time bartender's paycheck, either.
Does that, uh, include all the usual perks-- medical, dental, horizontal? Mr.
Malone, we can discuss the terms later.
The important thing is that you come back to work here.
Oh, I don't know.
( lackluster ): Please.
Since you're practically begging-- Ha!-- yeah, I guess I could take the job.
Uh, you know, I'm gonna hate the see Wayne hit the streets.
Yes, I agree.
Woody, may I see you in my office, please? You bet, Miss Howe.
SAM: No, no, wait, uh, no, not Woody.
Uh, what about Wayne? I happen to think Wayne is a very talented bartender.
I don't think he's so great.
No, Ms.
Tortelli? CARLA: No.
I bet there are a lot of drinks he doesn't know how to make.
Impossible.
I know every drink there is.
Oh, yeah? I say that a customer is gonna come into this bar tonight and order a drink you've never heard of.
No way, never happen.
Well, if it does, will you take a hike? All right.
And if I win? Then you get Sam's sailboat.
Deal, Sam? It's a deal.
You're on.
I love sailing.
Oh.
This looks like a nice, friendly tavern.
Heck, I'll give it a chance.
Norm! Not now, you idiot.
Yes, sir.
Let's see.
What do I feel like today? What am I in the mood for? I guess a, uh, Screaming Viking'd do it.
Don't you, uh mean a Laughing Swede? No.
What's the matter, Wayne? You heard the man.
That drink does not exist.
There's been many a morning I wished to God it hadn't.
I've never heard of that drink, and no one else has, either.
This gentleman made it up.
Do I have to take my business else No, please, sir.
Excuse me, Miss Howe, I can make that.
You want the cucumber bruised? Slightly.
Shall I get your coat, Wayne? There is no such thing as a Screaming Viking.
I assure you, Miss Howe.
Screaming Viking over here, please.
I don't know what's going on here, but I've been a barten Bartender, make it two.
Coming right up.
WAYNE: Wait a minute! There is no such drink as a Screaming Uh, I think I'll have a Screaming Viking.
Although, the, uh the name itself is a misnomer, since the Vikings were not actually the murderous plunder Would you shut up! And welcome, stranger.
You know what I'm in the mood for? Screaming Viking.
PATRONS: Screaming Viking! Screaming Viking! Yeah, Screaming Viking.
Screaming Viking! Screaming Viking! Miss Howe! I'm sorry.
I gave it a shot.
But obviously, I am not liked by the customers or the employees.
Screaming Viking! I haven't been called that since my honeymoon.
Mr.
Malone? May I see you in my office? Yes, ma'am.
Whoo-hoo.
Here's to the best Screaming Viking in town.
( chuckles ) ( all grumbling ) Here you go.
What's this? A severance check.
Please be a stranger.
Why? Wha What did I do? In baseball-ese, Mr.
Malone, you showed me up.
You and the rest of the katzenjammer kids.
Good-bye.
Now, wait a minute.
What about that conversation you had with your, uh My what? Your-your heart.
Your heart.
Y-You pity me.
You've spent your pity, Mr.
Malone.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, you know, I don't want your pity, anyway.
You know, I can live without this job.
I'll find another way of supporting myself.
And my mother.
I mean, now that the doctor's only giving me six months to live.
Come on! Please listen.
I swear to you, nothing like this'll ever happen again.
Come on, a decent boss would give me a second chance.
And I'll tell you something, I Don't say, "A guy would.
" I wasn't gonna say, "A guy would.
" But he would.
All right.
I'll give you another chance.
All right, thank you.
Thank you.
But I want to make something very clear.
Okay.
You've just got one chance left.
Mm-hmm.
And as far as I'm concerned-- again, in baseball-ese-- it's the bottom of the ninth, you've got two outs, two strikes, and no balls.
Okay, all right.
I'm still at the plate, though, right? Right.
All right.
Now, I think Woody would probably appreciate a little help out there.
Yes, ma'am.
Can Can I ask you just one small favor? What? Can I see you smile? Why? You know, it'd just be a friendly gesture, to prove there are no hard feelings.
Oh, come on, I bet you're the kind of girl that lights up a room when she smiles.
That's stupid.
I'll give you a little help.
Watch this, watch this.
Hmm.
Gee, I was wrong.