Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - 'I' on Sports

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I hate this uniform.
It is ugly.
It makes me look like a beached whale.
And on top of everything I can't find any earrings to go with it.
Try some broccoli.
Ha-ha-ha! I mean it, Sam.
I really hate it.
I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it.
Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.
Listen, I'm not a big fan of them either but let's just give it our best here.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, Sam No, no, don't Can't you just talk to the Iron Maiden? Convince her to get rid of them.
Come on.
Oh Miss Howe, uh about the uniforms.
Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.
The dry cleaning plant is on strike.
Now, we may not have fresh uniforms for at least a week, so I want you to be extra careful with those.
Oops.
Oh, no.
Um you guys are going to get it.
Didn't you hear what Miss Howe just got through ( laughing ) I get it.
SAM: Yo ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Dave.
All right.
How are you? I know who you are.
I've seen you on the news.
I can't believe it.
Hey, everybody.
It's Dave Richards, Channel 10.
Channel 13.
Oh, sorry.
Never mind.
Sam, I got a proposition for you.
No, no, no if she's not good enough for you, I sure don't want her.
No, no, it's nothing like that.
You see, I have to give up my TV spot, I on Sports.
They're looking for a fill-in for the week and I thought you might be interested.
Boy, sports on TV I've never really considered that.
( with deep voice ): Think I'd be any good at it? Who knows? It may turn out to be a permanent gig for you.
That's how I got my start.
Whoo, boy, I don't know.
Oh, come on, Sam.
Come on.
Every time we watch Dave, you say, "I can do better than that stump.
" Thank you, Carla.
You're too kind.
Come on, Sam.
You'd be great.
You talk good like me and you're handsome.
NORM: Of course, Sam.
What do you say? Listen if I were you, okay-- and believe me, not a day goes by I don't wish I were-- I would take this job.
Sam, look It's a lot of fun.
You see, you get to sit behind this desk.
You don't have to wear pants.
It's my little joke on the audience.
I do know sports, and I'm articulate at that.
Hey, you know something? I'm going to do it.
All right! Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
You're on at 11:00.
Wait a minute.
Tonight? Without any preparation or anything? Sure, I do it all the time.
Look, I want you to get down to Wardrobe ASAP, huh? All right.
See ya.
Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, man.
Who do I talk to over there? A very good friend of mine, Phil somebody or another.
I forget.
Anyway, I got to get going, meet my lady.
She's terrific.
Huh? This time the Dave Machine is finally settling down.
Well, hey, congratulations, man.
Excuse me.
The alarm just went off.
I make an ungodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.
You must be a friend of Mr.
Malone's.
Well, you know what they say, "The good-looking ones travel in pairs.
" And, uh, that's certainly true in your case.
Do you have the time? Good, 'cause I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
( Sam laughs ) Tough woman, tough woman.
You got that right.
I wear a cup to work.
Well, the pulsating Dave Machine's history.
All right, man, take care.
Excuse me, Dave.
Dr.
Crane here.
If you're interested, I happen to conduct a little session for narcissists about once a month.
My policy: only show up if I get an award.
This is the Big Dave Machine saying good night and may the sports be with you.
You know, I bet if you held your ear up to his, you could hear the ocean.
I'll have to try it sometime.
It, uh, may not work for you.
Hey, guys, I'm off to the station.
Listen, do me a favor, will ya? Woody, Carla, close up for me.
You know Whoa, Sammy, you're forgetting something a little important here.
What? You don't own this joint anymore.
Oh, boy.
And even if you did, Field Marshal Howe wouldn't give you the night off.
Yeah, yeah.
Silly me.
What am I going to do about this, huh? Sam, may I suggest deception? Well Hold on your horses there, Frasier.
As a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to seek and uphold the truth? Oh, get real, Cliff.
You know, you got a good idea there, Frasier.
Yeah.
Lying.
I do lying.
Woody, come here.
Do me a favor.
When Miss Howe comes out of the office here, go down the hall and call the bar.
I'll answer.
What do I say? Nothing.
Just stand there and hold the phone.
Okay, I'll give it a try.
Um, Miss Howe, we're running low on napkins.
So order more.
I don't know how many more.
I don't run the bar anymore.
Thank you.
I appreciate this very much.
( phone rings ) I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Cheers.
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
What? You say my apartment's been robbed? Oh, Sammy! You say I've been cleaned out? Well, damn.
Yeah, I guess I could get over there right away and maybe expect not to be back here for a few hours, huh? Well, thank you very much.
Thank you.
That was my landlord.
Do you believe this? I've been robbed.
What's happening to this city? Go on, Sammy.
ALL ( chanting ): Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy, go! We're a, uh, victim support group.
I see.
Well, I better hire a relief bartender.
Hello? Is there somebody on this phone? Oh, uh, hi, Miss Howe.
It's-it's me, Woody.
Woody, are you using this phone? No, no, not really.
What are you doing, Woody? Oh, I'm just standing here holding it.
Woody, hang up the phone, please.
I have to hire another bartender now.
Oh, no, Miss Howe, I'm really sorry.
I swear I'll never do it again.
REPORTER: And Keller is scheduled to be executed on Friday.
I guess he won't be around then for the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday.
For that and all the sports, a new member to the Channel 13 team, here's former Red Sox pitcher Sam Malone.
( cheering ) Nice to have you with us, Sam.
Thank you, Joanne.
I'd just like to say that you look better live than you do in person.
Thank you.
Oh, very slick.
Very slick indeed.
Yes.
Five bucks says Sammy has Joanne at 11:00.
Red Sox pitcher Paul Willis went on the 15-day disabled list today.
Willis has floating cartilage in his knee and tomorrow will undergo arthroscopic surgery.
All right! I can't bel On his first night! Club soda, Woody, please.
Sure, Miss Howe.
MAN: Today on This Old House, we're going to be grouting counter tile, so I'm sure you'll want to stick around for that.
But first, let's go in the kitchen.
Don't you guys usually watch sports? Yeah, well, yeah, usually, but, uh, they're going to be putting up drywall in a minute.
MAN: The subflooring is just being laid.
And now for the I on Sports commentary.
You know, the world is full of negative people.
Okay, so the Sox aren't having such a great season, but that's no reason to boo and say bad things about them.
You know, I don't know where I heard it, but I thought you were supposed to root, root, root for the home team.
So the next time you're in Fenway, you can't yell something nice, don't yell anything at all.
This has been just one guy's opinion.
Joanne? Thank you, Sam.
You've given us all a lot to think about.
We'll be right back with the weather after this message.
And we're clear.
That was quite a commentary, Sam.
Well, I hope I didn't offend anyone, you know? I just feel like it had to be said.
Mm.
Would you mind a little friendly critique? No, no.
Go ahead.
I know this is the first time you've done this, but I think you might want your commentaries to be a little more Oh, what's the word I'm searching for? Interesting.
Interesting.
Right.
You know, that gives me something to shoot for there.
Say, uh, there's a late-breaking story over at my place around 12:00-ish.
Care to cover it? Sorry, I don't do fluff pieces.
And in five, four, three, two Well, it was a little chilly coming into work today.
Dr.
Buzz, what does our weather look like? MAN: Not to waste any of the grout.
Remember, it's nine cents a ton This looks really fascinating.
Oh, I'll say.
Gee, you should've seen this guy put the flasher on the roof.
I'm so sorry I missed that.
I was watching Sam do the sports on Channel 13.
Sammy! Our I on Sports! ( applause ) How was I? You were great, Sam.
Hey, I never found the scores so fascinating.
Yeah, it was pure Musburger, Sammy.
Sammy, it was the single greatest exhibition of sportscasting I've ever seen in my life.
And I am not just saying that in order to get a free beer.
If the spirit does move you, Sammy, I take a size 12 sudsy.
Hey, thank you, guys.
You know, coming from you, it means a lot.
So, Carla how was I really? It was like watching old people eat.
You delivered the sports fine, but you got to jazz up the commentary.
Yeah, yeah, boy, they said that same thing down at the station.
You know, you got to talk about something a little more interesting than rooting for the home team.
That's like saying, "let's all drive safely.
" There goes tomorrow's commentary.
You know, I want to do so great at this job, but it's kind of tough, you know? I got to come up with five opinions a week.
Well, they couldn't pay me enough.
You know, I'll worry about this later.
Right now I got to get Rebecca to give me the rest of my nights off.
No problem there, Sammy.
I don't think you work here anymore.
What are you talking about? Vampira knows.
She was watching TV in her office.
She has a TV in there? Yeah, one of those little tiny ones, like her heart.
Great.
Uh, Ms.
Howe? I have a confession to make.
You know that story about my apartment being robbed? I made that all up.
No! Yeah, yeah.
Actually, I was down at Channel 13 doing the sportscast.
Hope you're not mad.
Well, you used to be the boss.
How did you feel when people lied to you? Ah, well, I had a rule.
When anyone ever lied to me, they had to go to bed with me.
Well, that's one way to make sure it won't happen again.
You know, Mr.
Malone, you haven't been dealing fairly with me.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just that this this means a lot to me.
And now I suppose you're going to ask me for the rest of the week off.
Yeah, I know, it's a lot to ask.
No, it isn't.
You're on.
Oh, great.
What, am I fired or something? Not at all.
Look, I figure one of two things will happen: either you'll do well, they'll offer you a job and I'll never see you again; or you'll screw up, humiliate yourself and come back here a crushed and broken man.
Either way, I win.
Son of a gun, you do have heart.
Of course I do.
Tell me though.
What'd you think? How'd I look out there? I've never seen you look better.
Really? You should always be this size.
Let me give you some advice here: never do this to a guy.
Guys, guys, he's about to do the commentary here.
Anybody know what the topic's going to be? Well, no, no, he said he was going to crank it up by taking a firm stand.
Hey, Woody, wasn't he rehearsing with you? Yeah, but he made me promise not to tell you guys.
It's too exciting.
And I don't remember.
Tonight I'm going to tackle the issue that's tearing professional sports apart-- natural grass or artificial turf? Now this reporter's not afraid to say that he's firmly in favor of natural grass.
It's softer, causes fewer injuries, and let's face it, folks: it looks prettier on TV.
That's just one guy's opinion.
Joanne? Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere that in an indoor stadium it's impossible to grow real grass.
Well, yes, yes, uh in indoor stadiums, you have to use the fake stuff.
And I've heard that some of the more recent synthetic blends actually do help reduce injuries.
Oh.
Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc.
That's pretty amazing.
So what are you saying here, Sam? Well, I guess I'm saying that I could go either way on it.
So you have no opinion on this? No, I have two opinions.
And that's one guy's opinions.
SAM ( on TV ): The Graf-Everett final may be a good match-up, but if you ask this I on Sports, the fact that Martina Navratilova decided to sit this one out Ooh, to say "Martina Navra- whoever" without even You know, I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that old squares like me shouldn't be doing the sports.
Well, Corky, tonight's commentary is directed right at you.
( hip-hop music plays ) Time to rap about a controversy Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy A lot of folks say jocks shouldn't be Doing the sports news on TV I don't want to hear the latest scores From a bunch of old broadcasting school bores So get your scores from a guy like me Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury G-G-Groin, g-g-groin G-G-Groin injury.
( music stops ) Joanne.
Dr.
Buzz, there must be some weather.
Ah, poor Sammy.
Bet you they fired him after that display, huh? Yeah, I guess he won't be showing his face around here tonight.
Would you come into a place where everyone thought you were a complete idiot? Never mind.
Well, I suppose he's out wandering the streets, rapping incoherently.
Yeah, yeah, but what if he comes in? What are we going to say to him? Well, just tell him he was brave.
Yeah, like a kamikaze pilot.
Wow, I always wanted to meet one of those guys.
The stories they must tell, huh? Well, I guess as per usual, it's up to me as his best friend to tell him the truth.
You? I'm sure he'll understand if I tell him.
Hey, nobody is tighter with Sammy than me.
I'm the one who should tell him he stinks.
So what'd you think of my commentary tonight? I thought you were wonderful.
It just felt great up there.
I tell you, ever since I sold the bar I've been floundering.
It's like I'm standing in quicksand.
You know, I've been trying to get my feet planted on the ground and all of a sudden, it's all come together.
It's like everything I've ever done in my life has been leading up to this moment.
My knowledge of sports, my good looks, my ability to rhyme.
You know, I tell you, I think I found my niche in life.
They liked you down at the station? Are you kidding, liked me? Man, they were speechless.
Oh, hey, yeah, Rebecca.
Listen, uh, did you catch my act tonight? Yes, I did.
So what'd you think? Now you can be honest with me.
Honest? Mm-hmm.
Let's see as news rappers go, I thought you were fine.
But maybe rapping has just been kind of done to death.
Oh, no, you think so? I mean, I'd hate to think I looked stupid out there.
No, no, not at all.
No, no, no, it's just that it's not unique anymore, Sam.
I mean, uh, you know, it'd be one thing if you were the first guy to rap, but they're rapping on stations all over town.
You don't want to be the last on a long train of rappers.
Yeah, Norm is right there, Sammy.
I mean, you got to do something different.
Do something revolutionary, something that no sportscaster does anymore.
You know, like, uh read the sports.
You know, I have been working on something, but I was afraid it was too much.
But if you guys think that rapping's old hat you know, I just may give it a shot.
I'm going to work on it right now, as a matter of fact.
Suppose we ought to stop him? Oh, no, wait a minute.
How do we know it's going to be another bad idea? I mean, it couldn't be as bad as tonight, could it? ( high-pitched voice ): Hi, everybody.
( normal voice ): Hi, Little Sam.
Are you ready for tonight's Oh, my God.
LITTLE SAM: I sure am.
I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two.
Don't you agree, Little Sam? No, I think you're full of hooey.
If I paid five bucks to get in the ballpark, I want to see them win now.
What do you know? Your head's wooden.
Well, your lips are moving.
If either of them mentions the bar, I'm suing.
Stop it.
Well, that's two guys' opinions.
Joanne? Oh, boy.
It seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Boy, I wanted that job so bad.
I wanted to make it work.
I guess I just went over the edge, huh? Hey, make him talk, Sam.
Make him say my name.
Maybe later, Woody.
My lips are kind of tired right now.
I know things seem a little bleak right now, but, um, I think there's two important things to look at here.
One: at least you took a chance.
And two-- and this is the important one-- you know when to quit.
Yeah, boy, that's true.
You know, I came real close to losing my dignity tonight.
I've been thinking about it, you know, I'm going to hang up the old Channel 13 blazer.
You know, if that phone were to ring right now and they were to beg me to come back, I wouldn't do it.
I think it's just time that I grew up and accepted what I am: a bartender.
And a damned good one at that, too.
( phone rings ) Cheers.
It's the station.
Well, you're kidding me.
The switchboard's lighting up? Well, look, hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, I don't care if they loved me.
I happen to have a job already and I have friends and I have my dignity.
Yeah.
Well, thanks anyway.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Very admirable, Mr.
Malone.
Well, I still have a little nobility left.
All right.
Okay, Sam.
Oh, I have to cancel that relief bartender.
Oh, maybe you ought to, uh Hello?